An Unlikely End to the Universe Involving
God and a Hot Dog
By Evan McBride
1: Hello, Iíd like a hot dog, please.
2: Cominí right up.
2: Say, you look kinda familiar.
1: Makes sense.
2: Itíll just be a sec.
1: I can wait.
1: I mean, you look really, really familiar. Do I know you? Whatís your
1: Oh, Iím God, actually.
1: Iím God.
2: And You want a hot dog?
1: Yes. They smell very good.
2: God doesnít eat hot dogs!
1: Iím here ordering one, arenít I?
2: And even if He did eat hot dogs, He wouldnít buy them from me! Heíd
generate one, say ĎLet there be a hot dogí and just... or... something.
1: Well, whatever the case, Iím here buying a hot dog from you. Hereís my
2: Why the hell would God want a hot dog?!
1: For the novelty of the thing. I thought Iíd buy a hot dog, find a nice
2: God doesnít care about novelty!
1: Actually, I do care about it quite a bit at the moment.
2: But youíre God! You just canít PAY for a hot dog!
1: Why not? I believe I have exact change.
2: Youíre GOD! I canít charge You for a hot dog. I would get smoten or
1: I wonít smite you. I want to pay for it. You know, just for the hell of
2: I canít CHARGE GOD for a hot dog!! I have to give it too you.
1: Fine, the hot dogís on you. Can I have it now?
2: But youíre God! God doesnít eat hot dogs!
1: Look, buddy. Are you going to give me a hot dog or not?
2: Hell no! It just doesnít make any sense.
1: Fine, then. Look, can we talk?
1: Can we talk? I have some stuff I need to deal with.
2: YOU wants to discuss things with ME?!
1: Well, Iím kinda sick of this.
1: Yes, sick of this.
2: You mean Ďthisí as in buying a hot dog Ďthisí?
1: No, (gestures broadly) THIS.
2: What do you mean?
1: Well, sometimes I wonder. Whatís the point to it all? Perhaps it would be
best if I were to just put an end to the whole thing.
2: The whole thing?
1: The whole thing.
2: The whole thing...
1: Yes, just put an end to it.
1: Well, Iíve been thinking lately, and Iíve been getting this creeping
suspicion that it wasnít... you know... what I intended. But I didnít want
to be too hasty. So I thought Iíd come down here and just buy a hot dog, eat
it in a park someplace, you know, (sings) ďWhat if God was one of us?Ē Just
wanted to reaffirm my connection to it all. But youíre right. Youíve made up
my mind. Best to put an end to it all.
2: Just like that?
1: Actually, Iíve been thinking about it for a while.
1: Maybe itís for the best.
2: But You canít just PUT AN END TO IT!!
1: Yes I can. Not as if itís all that real, anyway.
2: But You created it!
1: And Iím starting to wonder if it was such a bright idea in the first
2: Um... here! Have the hot dog.
1: I donít really want it anymore.
2: No, seriously. You can have it! Iím not kidding!
1: Donít you see? This us about bigger things than hot dogs! Itís about...
2: Come on! Iíll even put on extra ketchup for You!
1: Look, Iíve changed my mind about the hot dog.
2: You canít just change Your mind about the hot dog and the... the fate of
1: Iím God. I can do whatever the hell I want.
2: Whatever the hell You want, eh? Is that it? Well, then, Mr. Godly pants,
Iíll tell You what You canít do! You canít have this hot dog.
1: Fine. Goodbye.
2: Wait! You didnít eat Your hot dog.
1: I thought you just said I couldnít have it.
2: Well, I was being rash, a tad irrational maybe. Iím human, Iím allowed to
be irrational every now and then.
1: Yes, thatís another mistake Iíll have to correct the next time around.
2: The next time around?
2: What are You saying?
1: I suppose what Iím saying is... goodbye.
2: Youíre saying goodbye?
1: Goodbye (snap).