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An Unlikely End to the Universe Involving
God and a Hot Dog
By Evan McBride



1: Hello, I’d like a hot dog, please.
2: Comin’ right up.
1: Thanks.
2: Say, you look kinda familiar.
1: Makes sense.
2: It’ll just be a sec.
1: I can wait.
1: I mean, you look really, really familiar. Do I know you? What’s your name
1: Oh, I’m God, actually.
2: What?
1: I’m God.
2: And You want a hot dog?
1: Yes. They smell very good.
2: God doesn’t eat hot dogs!
1: I’m here ordering one, aren’t I?
2: And even if He did eat hot dogs, He wouldn’t buy them from me! He’d generate one, say ‘Let there be a hot dog’ and just... or... something.
1: Well, whatever the case, I’m here buying a hot dog from you. Here’s my money.
2: Why the hell would God want a hot dog?!
1: For the novelty of the thing. I thought I’d buy a hot dog, find a nice park bench...
2: God doesn’t care about novelty!
1: Actually, I do care about it quite a bit at the moment.
2: But you’re God! You just can’t PAY for a hot dog!
1: Why not? I believe I have exact change.
2: You’re GOD! I can’t charge You for a hot dog. I would get smoten or something.
1: I won’t smite you. I want to pay for it. You know, just for the hell of it.
2: I can’t CHARGE GOD for a hot dog!! I have to give it too you.
1: Fine, the hot dog’s on you. Can I have it now?
2: But you’re God! God doesn’t eat hot dogs!
1: Look, buddy. Are you going to give me a hot dog or not?
2: Hell no! It just doesn’t make any sense.
1: Fine, then. Look, can we talk?
2: What?!
1: Can we talk? I have some stuff I need to deal with.
2: YOU wants to discuss things with ME?!
1: Well, I’m kinda sick of this.
2: This?
1: Yes, sick of this.
2: You mean ‘this’ as in buying a hot dog ‘this’?
1: No, (gestures broadly) THIS.
2: What do you mean?
1: Well, sometimes I wonder. What’s the point to it all? Perhaps it would be best if I were to just put an end to the whole thing.
2: The whole thing?
1: The whole thing.
2: The whole thing...
1: Yes, just put an end to it.
2: WHAT?!!
1: Well, I’ve been thinking lately, and I’ve been getting this creeping suspicion that it wasn’t... you know... what I intended. But I didn’t want to be too hasty. So I thought I’d come down here and just buy a hot dog, eat it in a park someplace, you know, (sings) “What if God was one of us?” Just wanted to reaffirm my connection to it all. But you’re right. You’ve made up my mind. Best to put an end to it all.
2: Just like that?
1: Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for a while.
2: Why?
1: Maybe it’s for the best.
2: But You can’t just PUT AN END TO IT!!
1: Yes I can. Not as if it’s all that real, anyway.
2: But You created it!
1: And I’m starting to wonder if it was such a bright idea in the first place.
2: Um... here! Have the hot dog.
1: I don’t really want it anymore.
2: No, seriously. You can have it! I’m not kidding!
1: Don’t you see? This us about bigger things than hot dogs! It’s about...
2: Come on! I’ll even put on extra ketchup for You!
1: Look, I’ve changed my mind about the hot dog.
2: You can’t just change Your mind about the hot dog and the... the fate of the universe!!
1: I’m God. I can do whatever the hell I want.
2: Whatever the hell You want, eh? Is that it? Well, then, Mr. Godly pants, I’ll tell You what You can’t do! You can’t have this hot dog.
1: Fine. Goodbye.
2: Wait! You didn’t eat Your hot dog.
1: I thought you just said I couldn’t have it. 2: Well, I was being rash, a tad irrational maybe. I’m human, I’m allowed to be irrational every now and then.
1: Yes, that’s another mistake I’ll have to correct the next time around.
2: The next time around?
1: Yes.
2: What are You saying?
1: I suppose what I’m saying is... goodbye.
2: Goodbye?!
1: Yes.
2: You’re saying goodbye?
1: Goodbye (snap).

THE END.