Article: B.S. Magazine, October 23, 2002
Welcome to yet another edition of "Wallace Grimly's
generic, unisex, teenager's guide to etiquette at social
functions." In this month's column we look at Part One of
"Preparing For And Attending A High School Dance."
Your preparations for such an event should commence at
least one month in advance to allow enough time to complete
the following.
Your face: It is important when attending such an event to
put your very best face forward and we all know that the best
face is a blemishless face. As such you should follow this
simple procedure twice a week for a minimum of five weeks.
For this you will need:
* one cast iron cauldron (40L) full of water
* 6kg of potassium
* an edged dagger (optional)
* 6 yams of medium size (diced into a fine paste)
* one copy of the Necronomicon
* 80g of croutons
* your choice of citrus fruit
* one brick weighing no less than 12kg composed
completely of lead or gold
*a fine specimen of a goat
Position yourself in the nearest wooded area between the
dawn hours of two and three. Start a good, large inferno of a
cooking fire; Simply gather one chord of wood and place your
previously obtained 6kg of potassium within and on top. Add
water Note: it would be best to stand a good six furlongs
down wind from you fire for about 20 minutes.
Now that you have a great roaring cooking fire, place your
iron cauldron above it with any means available.
At this point it is time to ask yourself, "Did I bring the
optional dagger?" If so, insert dagger (A) into goat (B) and
proceed to make a vertical incision and empty contents into
cauldron (C). If you did not bring the optional dagger,
follow above instructions substituting the word "dagger" with
"your front incisors". Now add prepared yams and croutons to
the concoction.
Now here's the tricky bit; Wrap citrus fruit of choice (D)
around brick (E) and add to mixture.
Read aloud Pg. 468, paragraph 4, glyphs 12-67 of your
Necronomicon. Un-confirmed ravings of a derelict, hermit-hag
in the desolate woods of Lakefield claim that completing this
ritual will summon a lessor fiend which will grant you a
clear complexion (for the mere price of your soul).
Completing this ritual will also make you look about as sane
as a rubber band on heroine and may produce the following
side effects:
Death, mild gingivitis, nausea, assorted neurosis,
your own reflection jumping out of a mirror and killing
you, hip displasia, slight weaselish qualities in eating
habits, rickets and spontaneous loss of bladder and artery control.
That's all for this month's edition of "Wallace Grimly's
generic, unisex, teenager's guide to etiquette at social
functions." Next issue: part II of "Preparing For And
Attending A High School Dance." - "What Shall I Wear?" and
"Should It Be Crafted Of Human Skin?"
