Scott's Quotes

  • "Riding the U.S.S. Gay..."
  • "They put cheese on EVERYTHING here!"
  • "I think I'm coming down with the flu..."
  • "This kid's gay."
  • "Hey baby, wanna be the first the join the Mile-Low Club?"
  • "Why are only the important buildings being destroyed?"
  • "Let's play Hangman."
  • "I'm not Scott. This is his father. I never wear pants."
  • "You got shellshocked."
  • "I'm big ballin'."
  • "I dreamt I was living on Antarctica. Maybe that's because I had ice cream before I went to bed."
  • "I want to put some meat powder in that water of hers."
  • "Just dickshit around..."
  • "Now we can get Kristy some food so she doesn't starve herself to death, we can get Sally a personality transplant and Matt a brain transplant for liking Kristy."
  • "I can feel it."
  • "Techies are BADass."
  • "Stop it. I'm gonna get jealous of the pancake syrup."
  • "My dad is an asshole, end of story."
  • "Just call me Quasimodo."
  • "A deep stomach, shallow personality."
  • "I'm just extremely drowsy and I don't know why...not because I got high."
  • "You can't take two of your fingers to prom."
  • "Watch out for those venus flytraps that shoot fireballs."
  • "You sing nice, but please don't sing 'Like a Virgin'."
  • "Jake, your God is James Berdenelli."
  • "You wanna talk about me not having an ass, look at him."
  • “Good morning, Sunshine.”
  • "I cry every time I hear the song 'Butterfly Kisses', even though I'm not a father or a daughter."
  • "Tree dreams."
  • "How can hot girls not make me 'stand up' and cheer?"
  • "I feel like Boo Radley, a prisoner in my own home."
  • "Your mom thought I was Jake again when I called."
  • "I would give the cats a card too, but they wouldn't appreciate it."
  • "I'm Chris Klein."
  • "We've talked about more stuff in 6 months then most people do in 6 years."
  • "Well, never fear. You're tuned into the Scott Channel."
  • "Sex with me is a non-stop rollercoaster adventure of thrills, chills, spills, and maybe even kills."
  • "Just giving you a hard time, no pun intended."
  • "I'd even bet my life on it, because if I'm wrong I'll be dead anyway."
  • "Being a Hufflepuff makes me sound like I'm a smoker."
  • "Blabbing secrets was so two and a half weeks ago."
  • "Did everyone get a memo to buy me a movie?"
  • "Valerie and I part of the Gemini, Non-Junior Club. You're not invited."
  • "My equipment is so big, it's been featured on A & E's 'Biography'."
  • "Mary smells like stale vinegar."
  • "If he keeps relying on others, he'll be the type of guy who is 35 who fills vending machines at a vending machine company."
  • "It's like walking with an anchor in your pants."
  • "Jake, try the broomstick."
  • "Pobody is nerfect."
  • "Russians are weird. Especially Jeremy."
  • "Get some tongue action going."
  • "The new Thanksgiving taco, with turkey, stuffing and yams."
  • "You hug me harder then Lee Schweitzer tackles."
  • "He's flaming more then that world-famous buffalo sauce."
  • "Toaster Strudels think they are so good because they have do-it-yourself icing. 'Whoo, I'm special! I did it myself!'"
  • "Kind of like Pokemon. 'Bingamon...I choose you!'"
  • "Ughh, Mambo #5 was just on the radio and the guy says, 'A little bit of Mary all night long...' There's no 'little bit' of Mary. It's all grande."
  • "I think I'm going to bed soon. I'm beat."
  • "Finding her treasure through all those thighs is like digging for oil."
  • "According to April, I have the best eyes...that's why she's always staring at them and telling me to keep them open."
  • "Disco just screams 'I'm gay' with every falsetto note a guy sings and with every pair of ostrich skin tight-ass bell-bottom pants with 6 inch stiletto shoes he wears."
  • "Basketball players are just kinky. Why do you think I played b-ball?"
  • "No sweat, unless you're me at 11 at night."
  • "I refuse to go into another relationship with the absence of sex talk."
  • "It shouldn't be called Friends anymore. They're not friends anymore. They should call the show Lovers."
  • "I'm careful about getting Chinese food. You know that Chinese people carry rats in the back of restaurants to control insect populations? I always check for droppings before I dive into my egg drop soup."
  • "Let me assure you that my sock drawer looks like an explosion at a sock factory."
  • "Let's cut to the chase."
  • "If it was guaranteed to me that I'd make Top 5 spirit king, I'd make out with Mary if that's what it took."
  • "No youth group? What am I going to do then, homework?"
  • "Because the name Sarah has one syllabus."
  • "Oh yeah, that turned me on like a broken light bulb."
  • "Do yourselves a favor and just go out already so we can move on with our lives!"
  • "THS should stand for Thug High School."
  • "That went by the wayside."
  • "Ruth, you were yelling obscenties in front of my little cousin!"
  • "You know, there's plenty of space for you to fold your book cover OVER THERE."
  • "I'm sorry, but if a holiday is invented in my lifetime, then it's NOT a holiday."
  • "Strawberries make anything more exciting...cereal, sex, you name it."
  • "The stupid unruly sophomores pissed me off. I felt like using my non-existent brass knuckles on some of them."
  • “My name is a toilet paper, a saint, and a type of weird music.”
  • "Let this be a lesson to you: assume nothing."
  • "He looked like vintage Matt House, not spiky haired freak Matt House."
  • "It'll be ok, just as long as I get to see you more then zero seconds tomorrow."
  • "I have to get rest for all the standing I'm going to do tomorrow night."
  • "I don't type dirty until after 10."
  • "My dad has been calling him Jakester since the dawn of time."
  • "They are just as cool as the other side of the pillow."
  • "I had a dream about it, and it was like having sex with a sewer with the cover off.
  • "I've yet to see Mary wear her hair in a way where I can keep myself from gagging."
  • "Oh, just for the record, I have my own condom now, so I don't need to borrow your's."
  • "God has a choice of picking a bunch of Catholic boys to win, or some scrubs from Redford with a handful of Catholics. Hmm, tough decision."
  • "When I went to church today, I prayed for world peace and that everyone I care about has a great week and that this week we beat the crap out of Mt. Pleasant Shepherd."
  • “I’m number eleven, because what's better than one number one? Two number ones!”
  • “How about a hand for team commitment?”
  • “I'm taking an afternoon nap tomorrow. I'm already looking forward to it.”
  • "I'm going to turn on the TV to the discovery channel during Hyena Week and ask Sara which one she is."

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