Jake's Quotes

  • "I'd like to gra her, if you know what I mean."
  • "Jakey scurred."
  • "Don't call me your brother. Its too creepy to imagine that I once felt-up my 'sister'."
  • "Ruth, the size difference between you and Scott is already too great. The last thing you need is to bulk up."
  • "'Little Timmy woke up on a bright Saturday morning. He went outside to play with his trucks, when a group of black gang-bangers walked by. Timmy didn't understand the words they were saying, but when he told his mother to 'Get off your fat bitch ass and role him a joint' when all he wanted was the mashed potatoes at dinner, she got very upset. Timmy learned a valuable lesson about culture that day.' The End."
  • "'Is Tupac Shakur really dead?' More importantly, who cares? The last generation gets Elvis, and we get...Tupac? [shuddering at the thought that our generation is going to be remembered for our love of niggers, and worship of morons: see, Adam Sandler, Eminem, J-Lo & Ben...etc.]
  • "Wow...I can't find my GD GC CD."
  • "Ruth, put in Saturday Night Fever!"
  • "I'm chafing like a mo."
  • "I have gum in my mouth."
  • "Everything got wet but the part I needed. Ruth, I need the lotion"
  • "It's STIFLING!"
  • "No more cap guns!"
  • "Was that Aurora Borealis?!"
  • "Don't get your panties in a twist. That's Scott's job."
  • "What is this 'spawn' under my arm?"
  • "I didn't know Johnny Rocket's was so exclusive."
  • "Gra!"
  • "Which shot glass do you guys like?"
  • "You are NOT getting that pony. It has no insignia on it!"
  • "Valerie is my new best friend."
  • "Easy, April. No offense."
  • "It had me on the edge of the toliet seat!"
  • "I understand, you were pulling a Rizzo from Grease and "getting your kicks, while [your] still young enough to get them'."
  • "Watching Scott drive doesn't look right. It's like watching a senior citizen ride a BMX."
  • "Did you make a boom-boom? A little one?"
  • "Ratting out the males in her life to her mother...oh yeah, it's you."
  • "We should go to Baltimore and find out where they are, and then ruin their trip. I am thinking...tire slashing."
  • "I think my dog has Monkey Pox."
  • "I tryed to watch The Godfather, but it was God-awful!"
  • "Land Before Time 12: Little Foot Applies for Social Security."
  • "I was working on the SC scrapbook the other day, and some people were talking about movies. I overheard Chris Powers say 'I can't wait till Dumb and Dumberer comes out.' I almost lost my breakfast (as I do not eat lunch)."
  • "You know I don't feel like analyzing our friendship. I'm not Billy Crystal, you're not Robert DeNiro and I don't feel like analyzing this or that."
  • "Got Jake? He does a student body good."
  • "Hmmm...am I interested in 'stunning new breasts in a jiffy'? Pass."
  • "Boo ya! Boom shakalaka!"
  • "Its like 'Friday After the One a Decade Ago.'"
  • "Song 11 by The Used is pretty. But there is still 50 seconds to ruin it with loud barffing/screaming/screeching yells...and there it is.
  • "The damn cat thinks I am playing hard to get, when I am really playing get away."
  • "Whoo! I LOVE this toilet paper! It's like wiping my ass with a cloud!"
  • "Freaky deaky!"
  • "Ruth, don't con me!"
  • "Shame on you, Rob Zombie. You truly are a sick fuck."
  • "You two are going to fuck!"
  • "Scott's got my soup held hostage."
  • "Please tell me why there is a sticker that says, 'Be kind, please rewind', on the Moulin Rouge DVD case."
  • "It's so bad, it's bad!"
  • "I am getting agree and many a piece of technology today."
  • "I feel like doing some Oscar accepting."
  • "Scott, she's gonna key me!"
  • "I needed to take a wicked piss. I mean, it was WICKED."
  • "You get three pinky raises a week."
  • "Besides the black 'We gonna steal yo foo', fo' McDonalds kids, you are the root of all evil in my life."
  • "There was a pre-pre-show countdown add for a diamond place, and the tagline said, 'Brace Yourself,' and all I could think was 'FROST YOURSELF!'"
  • "Bob Dole is gorgeous!"
  • "You have bling-bling?"
  • "There must be more honking going on in your house right now than on I-96 at rush hour."
  • "Dangerous Liaisons!"
  • "Wow Ruth...still showering. I have heard of washing your hair all night, but this is ridiculous."
  • "I would have chosen Stuart Little, but they already made it into a kid's movie. I would have mad it a dark comedy...rated R for drug use, mouse sexuality, and language."
  • "When I turn 18, do you want to go to LA with me and audition for Super Market Sweep? Come on, you would look so cute in a brightly colored sweater. AND you would be on PAX! Hundreds of people would see you on national TV!"
  • "It's a car bomb. This is so Pelican Brief."
  • "Oh, random person, where is Scott Funke?"
  • "I am so indifferent!"
  • "Hold on, let me call Vegas."
  • "When I walked out of Chicago, I was giddy...and for some reason, I was mildly horny. But thats another story."
  • "Whoa, whoa. The Movielife? I already like that band."
  • "Is this the brand new song by Brand New?"
  • "Yeah, so, Maid in Manhattan was like a Norah Jones promo. Every two seconds it's, 'I don't know why...' or, 'Come away with me...' Oh, and of course, 'I'm coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show...'."
  • "Diabolical!"
  • "You fucking whore. I just want to take your head and squeeze it like a pimple."
  • "Is there anyone I could hate more than you?"
  • "I give a lot of credit to an anorexic. They have a lot of self discipline."
  • "I love sneezing. I find it to be almost erotic."
  • "Beating around the bush."
  • "You're like a car wreck. So horrible and devestating, yet I cannot look away."
  • "Middle finger tanks."
  • "I have a serious craving for some pork rinds."
  • "I just quoted myself. That makes me so hot. Talk about mental masturbation!"
  • "In my heart, I cannot place you. Sometimes you do mean more, sometimes not. It's like you are a Plinko chip, and sometimes you fall into the $10,000 slot, and other times, the $50 dollar slot."
  • “I must say, you looked very attractive when you were asking for that barbecue sauce.”
  • “My computer farted.”
  • “Another advantage to the male way of peeing. We can pee without having to take off our backpacks.”
  • “The People's Choice Award is so insignificant that the award itself is made out of plastic, and available in the Martha Stewart Collection at K-Mart.”
  • “Just want to SMACK that ass!”
  • “Are you PMS-ing?”
  • "A climax is just as important in film as it is in bed."
  • "Thanks A LOT for making me tell my parents we were going out. In the car on the way home, we had "Remember to use contraceptives" talk. My dad actually used the words "semen," "cum," and "rubber". Thank God it was just my dad and me. Had my mom been there, it would have been like an awkward bomb the size of a nuclear warhead went off, right there in the car."
  • "I just want to smash your head in and eat it!"
  • "You can stroke my ego before I go to bed."
  • "Call me if you need ANYTHING or want to talk. I love you. And you don't need those fucksticks."
  • "Have you ever just wanted to scream at the top of your lungs, 'SHAZAAM!'?"
  • "What you and pneumonia-boy do? Sit on his sofa in the basement and watch Scott slide on the floor in his work pants?
  • "Ooh, someone's being a naughty girl..."
  • “You are the loud-and-funny-wit. I am the funny-is-my-thing one.”
  • "There, there."
  • "Quote page!"
  • "Here is the song that describes Erica Buchin's life. 'Blown it again'."
  • "I was in hysterics watching the TRAILER for Eight Legged Freaks. No way I would watch the movie. Not even for 100 bucks."
  • "You have an uncanny way of taking the fun out of flirting."
  • "I wonder if this is the song they play in Heaven's waiting room. This is God's elevator music."
  • "Put that hair up!"
  • "Scott and I think we saw Sara at Target. No two people could have that bad of a fashion sense."
  • "Jeez! I am finding lip balms at an alarming rate. Forget Pop-Can Island, I am starting Land of Eternal Moist Lips!"
  • "Oh, what the hell do you care? You're going to sleep with both of us in your lifetime anyway!"
  • "Damn. The one time I think I am mis-quoted, and you have it on tape. How Linda Tripp."
  • "What the fuck is a 'conch'?"
  • "Ruth, you're the only girl here. You're in hot commodity."
  • "Five o'clock shadow!"
  • "No comment."
  • "Who IS this CUNTessa?! What's going ON?!"
  • "You have an enormous ridge on your tongue."
  • "NOOOOOOO! I'M WEARING THE SAME SOCKS AS APRIL!"
  • "Your paper arrangement is all wrong. You're supposed to have the balloon cluster in the middle!"
  • "Well, thanks, Sally's Mom. 'Did you say thank you to Scott?'"
  • "I'm surprised that you made that video. I'm used to your character deformation music videos."
  • "Anchors Aweigh was the song written for when she takes off her bra."
  • "I am an Aries and she is a whore."
  • "I was at Big Lots, and they had several boxes of condoms located with the other impulse items. I would NEVER by condoms from a store that sells 'slightly imperfect or damaged goods'."
  • "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Rated R. Profanity, nudity, sexuality, drug use, extreme violence. I just can't see that. Harry getting it on with Hermoine, and they both light up a joint afterwards. Harry snorting crack while Hermoine shooting up with heroine and Ron masturbating in the corner."
  • "I am leaning back in my chair, and I swear, if I fall back one more time, this chair will be headed to Grandpa Wood Chipper and Grandma Compost Heap."
  • "Are Hootie and the Blowfish hot topic?"
  • "You really are Cinderella."
  • "It bothers me about Donutown on the corner of 5 Mile. It's either Donut Own or Dono Town."
  • "Ruth and her extrodinarily big, Julia-Roberts gums when she smiles."
  • "Your coach is hot! I want to jump her bones."
  • "Wow...white kids in a neighborhood. Something you don't see every day."
  • "Ew, don't touch me with that cheesy glove."
  • "Take that, Olivia!"
  • "Wow, our much hyped relationship lasted a grand total of 30 hours."
  • "What a cuntessa!"
  • "Ruth, you're an ass."
  • "I just stepped on a packet of duck sauce in my room and it exploded all over my face and glasses! Now my room smells like a Chinese restaurant."
  • "What now, Fatass?"
  • "Marinate my balls."
  • "I think I would be good in bed. I am not the thrusting type, I am more the 'take my time and probe around a bit and make more swirls, then thrust'."
  • "It's real uncomfortable to get hard in underwear and pants. Briefs keep in down, but when you do get hard, it hurts and scrunches everything. Then boxers and its rubbing against denim...(shudder) Perhaps that's why I wear briefs, better to keep it wear it is than have it rubbing against material. Plus I can't stand the feeling of my balls flapping all around."
  • "Sexually, we are so made for each other."
  • "If a girl was to touch my man-tits, I would be like, 'What the fuck are you doing?!'"
  • "Sally Luoto like Pluto minus the P."
  • "If you say that one more time, I'm going to vomit."
  • "Just promise me you won't have sex with Scott. I will shoot myself if he loses his virginity before me."
  • "Look at the freckles on my face. Shit through a screen."
  • "I swear, I am aging more rapid than anyone. My barber keeps finding gray hairs, and now, my forhead is creasing. In 10 years, my forhead will look like the ocean bottom.
  • "Purple elephant monkey!"
  • "Your theta's and 7's are so cute!"
  • "My least favorite member of the D3 is Kristy."
  • "Good God!"
  • "I would trade anything for Scott's laugh."
  • "I have to pee like a madman."
  • "According to sources, debuting on Nov. 21st, 2003, Havana Nights: Dirty Dancing 2! I guess these people just didn't learn from Grease 2."
  • "Matt House could make millions from the celebrity impersonation biz. I swear, he looks like Hayden Christiansen in his Yearbook photo, and I was about ready to say, 'Hey! Its Jake Gyllenhaal! Can I have your autograph?' last night at Homecoming."
  • "February 10th is the date I have set. Either these braces come off by then, or I pick them off, one by one."
  • "It is imperative that Scott go, because we need at least two guys to off-set the estrogen vibe."
  • "I seriously wish they made a movie that was just trailers for an hour and a half."
  • "My dream girl would be with Amanda's hair, your eyes & chest and Sally's lips."
  • "Ruth, stop sniffing your hands."
  • "I have more quotes than Scott and April combined!"
  • "Man, this place is JUMPIN'."
  • "If I'm on the announcements, I will sue your ass for slander."
  • "Oh come on! That one takes the cake! Hey...cake..."
  • "I don't like to be sweaty."
  • "It's OSAMA'S ANTHEM!"
  • "I don't necessarily like bigger ones. I like them because of tenderness than size."
  • "Why do all the feminine hygiene products have such bad names? Sanitary napkin, for explain. Everytime someone says that, I think of a girl shoving Taco-Bell napkins down her pants."
  • "I have an idea, how about: The Surly Critic Present: Drunken Reviews...Where Its Happy Hour Every Hour! All my reviews will be one long slurred sentence. Example: Yeah I saw this movie and it was pretty good but it lasted a long time and the girl was really hot and some hooch kicked the back of my seat...SHARON....and then the movie ended and I dumped my popcorn onto some dork's car and I sped away....what movie was I reviewing? BARKEEP...another tequila shot!"
  • "HOW CAN YOU BE A DEMOCRAT?!
  • "I don't know how many more times I can write a sympathetic sentence about nigs before I crack."
  • "I have always wondered why they call female oral sex eating out, eating in seems like a more logical slang."
  • "I could sure use Bedard's lectures when I can't get to sleep at night."
  • "One thing is certain though, I won't have to see Morante in those sleveless shirts that show off her wobbly arm fat...[shudder].
  • "I'd take a high-class nig over white trash any day."
  • "Ballistic is rated R!"
  • "I have to find my yearbook, I must uncover who the hell this "Matt House" is...that's him? He looks like a deformed Hayden Christensen who robbed a Hot Topic."
  • "I believe that was Mr. Bedard."
  • “A few minutes ago, I was having conversations about McDonalds, Disco, Hot Topic, and Ass Augmentations all at the same time.”
  • “On October 4th, my choices are between the R rated Red Dragon and Veggie Tales: The Movie, which will probably be rated PG-13 for scary images of live food and use of the word God.”
  • “I will be there at 1 o’clock sharp. By sharp I mean 1:05ish.”
  • "Compared to all the pot-smokers, losers, computer geeks and mediocre personalities at Thurston, I am a great guy."

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