Conversation Quotes, Page Two
Ruth: Last night I had a dream that I cleaned my room. It looked really nice and I don't know...I feel compelled to clean it now. .Jake: I know what you mean. I once had a dream I was thin and ripped, and then had the ambition to work out.
Ruth: I just bought my basketball warm-ups. Scott: How much? Ruth: Forty bucks. Scott: Isn't that a little expensive? What if you don't make the team? Scott: Well, then I guess I have a new outfit to wear for cross country practice.
Jake: Ruth! Stop asking Scott about the Modern World test! Ruth: Jake! Pass a class! Jake: Ruth! Get elected as Class Recorder!
Jake: Independence Day...Isn't that the movie where your mom stood up and clapped? Ruth: We don't talk about that. Jake: Was that embarrassing? Ruth: We don't talk about that. Jake: Did the whole theater look at you? Ruth: Anyway... Jake: Didn't your brother cry when the first lady died? Ruth: Jake! I KNOW! It was a horrible experience!
Jake: I'm on a roll. Ruth: A few, actually. (pokes Jake's stomach)
Jake: Hey, if you could have one of the 'X-Men' powers, which would you choose? Scott: I dunno, you? Jake: Ummm...probably Storm. It would be sweet to control the weather. Scott: Yeah, you would have it 'raining men' 24/7.
Scott: I'm going to turn on my Bryan Adams CD. Ruth: Bryan Adams?! Scott: Fine, H2O. And I don't mean the liquid. Jake: This sounds just like every other poppy punk band. Ruth: Oh, and what's Simple Plan? Scott: Garbage!
Ruth: Jake, if you're gay, it's okay. You can tell me. You'll still be my friend. Jake: Ruth, you are AWFUL. I hate you.
Ruth: Sig. Jake: Fig.
Jake: Slept till noon. Thatched the front yard...Ruth: Thatched? Jake: Yes, AP Raking.
Jake: 'Grow Up' doesn't kick in till 7 seconds into the track. Ruth: I wish it didn't kick in until five minutes in so you could skip over the whole song.
Jake: I know this is a new concept for you, but it's called curtesy. Ruth: I know it's a new word for you but it's spelled courtesy. Jake: Hey, Ruth...what does 'rapture' mean?
Ruth: Jaaaaake. I don't want to do this. Jake: What? Ruth: Math. Jake: Then don't. Ruth: you know, this conversation sound familiar. Roles switched, six months ago.
Ruth: If you're wearing those sandals...Jake: I am going to go try on those sandals. Ruth: OHHHHHHHH JAKE! COME ON! NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOO. Jake: They are cute. Ruth: Jake, just SAYING that they're 'cute' is a problem.
Jake: They aren't girl's sandals or thong. They are seriously, men's sandals. Ruth: But CERTAIN men's sandals.
Ruth: Girls LOVE uniforms on guys. You have NO IDEA. Scott: Why do girls love uniforms on guys? Ruth: I have no idea.
Ruth: Jake you are seriously not painting your toenails clear are you? Jake: Maybe...Ruth: What's next, a little bit of mascara because your eyelashes aren't long enough? Jake, are you for real painting your toenails?! Jake: No. Ruth: Okay, but if they look shiny tomorrow... Jake: Tomorrow, all my body energy will be coming from light absorbed from my toes like mini-solar panels.
Ruth: How was Flushing? Jake: I got fourth place. Ruth: Nice job! Jake: Out of 4 schools.
Ruth: Ewww, you know what I hate about Kristy's journal? She uses a separate paragraph to say that her and Matt 'chilled in her room'. They're having sex. Kristy's fucking. KRISTY IS FUCKING. Jake: Please don't ever mention "Kristy" and "fucking" in the same sentence.
Jake: Ok! Let's go see Gods and Generals up at the Civic! Ruth: Can you say bomb?
Ruth: Last night, I couldn't get to sleep until 2AM. I swear, I heard voices downstairs. Scott: Yeah, remember, Jake? We were over at around 2AM. Jake: No we weren't.
Scott: Ewwwww, Dyke Fest 2K3!! I can just see Sally shoving a dildo up April and having her moan ox-like in ectasy. Ruth: God, can I reminisce about my old friends without you making such references! Scott: This is gross. I keep getting these awful images. Ruth: Well, don't think about it. Scott: Like April and Valerie covering their "slots" with cottage cheese and taking turns eating each other out, forming their own cottage cheese. Ruth: And here's an even better question: Why would anyone use cottage cheese for that? Scott: What else are they supposed to use? Apple sauce? Buffalo sauce? Blended-up asapagus? Refried beans? Ruth: Nothing. Scott: Pudding. Peaches.
Ruth: Jake, do you plan on marrying? Jake: I don't know. Ruth: You don't KNOW? Jake: I can see myself marrying, but I don't know about kids. Ruth: Hmm...I could see you going either way. Living the bachelor life or living the married life. Jake: I am too cosmopolitan for kids. Ruth: So you're hoping the woman you met has her tubed tied? Jake: Yes, because I plan on marrying a Tabby cat.
Jake: Look at that short guy! He's so fat! Scott: And what are you?
Ruth: Now we can focus more on J-Lo and Ben Affleck! Good God. If I see another picture of them in a BMW or kissing on a street corner, I'm gonna hurt people. Jake: I give them 2 years after marrying, tops. Ruth: Yeah...but they could shock us all and go for the big time, like five or something and have a kid. Jake: Yeah right. Ew, imagine your mom is J-Lo. Gross. Ruth: I think Ben and J-Lo would have pretty babies. Jake: "Hey, Ben Junior, I have a picture of your mom's ass on my bedroom wall!"
Ruth: Want me to e-mail you my list of rejection? Jake: Pass. I don't feel like reading Santa's list.
Ruth: I'd rather spend the night with a close friend who I know and we can reminisce about it later than spending it with some 'nice' guy who wants to fuck me at the end of the night. Jake: But that is what prom is all about. Ruth: Jake, are you expecting your date to put out? If so, I'll tell Eric before he commits.
Ruth: House of 1000 Corpses got a C+ in EW, Scott. A C+. Scott: I think the C stands for, 'Causes severe mental retardation in all viewers of this movie'.
Jake: I rarely laugh out loud when I am reading or during IM conversation, but I can tell when I would had we be talking in person. Ruth: You don't laugh much at what I say regardless.
Ruth: 'In case of rapture, this car is unmanned.' Jake: I don't get it. Is rapture some kind of religious thing?
Scott: I need a hug. Ruth: I do too. I tried giving my mom one and she was like 'Ew, God, you smell.'
Jake: Its a good sog. Ruth: Now that's Jake pronunciation for you!
Ruth: Can I have my Something Corporate CD back? Jake: Mmm...no.
Ruth: And those XXX stories, no wonder you're out of breath. Jake: Scott, do you forward EVERYTHING to her?!
Ruth: It was weird waking up this morning and saying, 'No one's going to be in this house until Saturday morning.' Jake: Ruth...Michael Myers, Hannibal Lector, Doctor Satan, and a black man in a ski mask are all upstairs right now, deciding how to torture and kill you... Ruth: Dr. Satan, oh I'm scared now. Jake: Yeah, but when I said, "black man in a ski mask", you almost wet yourself.
Jake: Holy shit! James Berardinelli gave Identity 3.5 stars! Ruth: Oh my GOD! If only I knew what movie that was!
Brater: I'd hit a woman back if she hit me. Scott: Only if it's your sister, right? Brater: No, forget that. Any woman.
Ruth: What did you think of my glasses? Jake: I thought you were lost on your way to Vegas to enter the Kristy Look-Alikes contest. Ruth: There's a difference. I eat. Jake: Must...hold...in...joke...for...sake...of...friendship.
Ruth: What's up? Scott: The snow accumulation for tonight...
Ruth: (wipes poop out of pants) Jake: (unsuccessfully attempts to wipe image of Ruth wiping poop out of her pants out of my head)
Ruth: While no one believes you, everybody takes me too seriously. Scott: Great, we're both screwed.
Ruth: The rest is just poop. Jake: You mean pop? Ruth: That too. It's poop pop.
Scott: I never had a swingset. Ruth: Really?! Scott: I never had any sort of playscape or swingset. Ruth: Man, I had a swingset until I was 13, then we took it out and had the pool for a year. Scott: I had grass and a tree. I still do.
Jake: Is Unwritten Law more punk or more Something Corporate? Ruth: It's neither. It's more rock-your-ass-off.
Ruth: What a brown-noser. Scott: Don't be racist.
Scott: My dad had to use the phone. Then he proceeded to yell at me when I asked him who he was calling. Apparently, it's "none of your god damn business". Ruth: I wonder if he's listed.
Ruth: Just don't be an ass and your moviegoing experience will be fine Jake: Ok, but let me remind you about the domino effect of my movie going experience being tampered with...Ruth: It starts with you being an ass. You're an ass to me, I get bitchy. I get bitchy, I ruin your movie going experience. When I ruin it, you can't write a competent review. When you can't write a competent review, you have to face reality that you won't be a movie critic for a living. And when you face reality, you'll be working a normal white-collar job just like everyone else.
Ruth: What's your favorite part of your body? Jake: My cute single dimple. Ruth: Mine would have to be my legs. If they could talk, they'd say 'Thank you for taking such good care of me.' Jake: If your gums could talk, they'd say 'Why do you keep flashing me so much?'
Ruth: How are you gonna rub out Brad Pitt? Jake: I am going to blundgen him to death with my Oscar.
Ruth: Why are you telling me you're mad at Scott? Jake: Who am I going to tell? My Oscar? Ruth: Sure. You've told him your acceptance speech. He listened pretty well, right?
Jake: Wow...Nia Vardolas got to bring 9 family members to the Oscars! This time last year, she couldn't even get a table for ten at TGI Friday's. Ruth: That seemed a bit forced. Jake: It wasn't my joke, thats why. Ruth: Joke plaguirizer. Jake: Kathy Bates looked nice at the Oscars. Ruth: Well, considering she's not slim-pickings. Jake: No, Ruth. That was a joke gone wrong. Ruth: At least it was mine and not a stolen joke. Jake: "Bad Jokes at Mardi Gras expose everything in the new 'Jokes Gone Wrong'..."
Jake: Super de duper. Ruth: Wow, Barney.
Jake: Popcorn sucks. Ruth: It's even worse when it's coming out of your nose.
Ruth: Damn, my feet smell BAD. I'm sitting here and it's just funkifying my oxygen. Scott: I take offense to that. Don't use my name in vain.
Jake: What's the url? Ruth: www.hoedstamp.com
: I'm tired of school. I want to go to college. Ruth: Because that isn't school?
Ruth: Mom, look at my new shoes. Ruth's Mom: Oh, those are so nice! Ruth's Dad: Eh. It's the woman way. Ruth: What? Ruth's Dad: Women way. All they want is beauty. Wear sexy shoes and sexy dresses and sexy everything. Well, you know what? I've had the same pair of shoes for 25 years! YOU WOMEN AND YOUR SEXY SHOES!
Ruth's Mom: Where did you get that? Ruth: Oh, I asked April to pick up my check for me and drop it in the mailbox. Ruth's Mom: Well, isn't that nice? Ruth: Yeah, too bad she's still a bitch though.
Ruth: I was imagining sex during the quiz in sixth hour. Scott: You were imagining sex during that Plague quiz? Ruth: Yeah. Imagine me writing off topic: Economics were affected by the plague because the property value of land went down right after I took off his shirt, we fell on top of each other, kissing passionately. Scott: What if you really did and you just remembered right now? Ruth: Well, I'm going to have some explaining to do. Scott: Yeah, but if you were explaining to me, I'd ask you to elaborate. Ruth: But Brater would just be like 'What was on YOUR mind?' Or 'Ruth, the Black Plague is not meant to be erotic.'
Ruth: Hee, hee. Pianist. Jake: Oh my God...
Ruth: Oh man, that was so KRSS. Scott: You make it sound like a radio station. 'This is KRSS...all rap, all the time.'
Ruth: Hey, I need a motivational song. Can you sing 'I Gotta Get Thru This'? Jake: YES! Hold on! Let me pop in the CD! Ruth: And we'll dedicate it to my math homework.
Jake: Do you ever have those moments when, for example, you are brushing your teeth, and you spit and you firmly believe that when you bend back up and look into the mirror, Hannibal Lector/Michael Myers/a giant mosquito, etc. will be standing right behind you? Ruth: It's not one of those characters, usually a black man wearing all black with a mean look on his face. Jake: Seriously? Ruth: I'm scared of them. Jake: You loser. That isn't scary. That happens to me every day. Come live over on the East Side for a day. Ruth: No, no. We're talking in my bathroom. You have black guys in your bathroom? Jake: Yes, don't you?
Ruth: Scott made me a homemade book that was SO cute. Jake: A homemade book? Ruth: Yeah, he made a little booklet about my good qualities. Jake: So then the book was blank?
Scott: Sex and the City or is it Sex In the City? Ruth: Sex and something to do with the damn city.
Ruth: I'm playing Mario 3. Ah, who needs those new systems with their new games when you got the classics? Scott: Mario 2 is better. Ruth: I prefer Mario 3. Mario 2 is cool but it's like SO out of the norm. Scott: That's what makes Mario 2 the best one. It's different. Ruth: Mario 1 & 3 are the same with different graphics. Mario 2 was all about chucking veggies at everyone.
Ruth: A lot of shirts I try on don't look right. Scott: Why do you say that? Ruth: Because I try them on & they don't look right.
Jake: And I listened to 'Hot Stuff' while in the bathroom this afternoon. Ruth: Jake, that's a GIRL's song. Next thing you're gonna be singing 'Man, I feel like a woman.' And I'm gonna say 'Man, you ARE a woman!'
Scott: She's a moron. Ruth: SHE IS?!?! Scott: Don't get snippy.
Jake: He puts your lover boy Billy Crystal to shame. Ruth: JAKE, HE'S NOT MY LOVER BOY. Jake: Oh, then you probably want me to stop sending him obessesive fan mail with your name and address all over them?
Scott: I could have been April. I mean 'It'. That typo was BAD. Me being April? Ruth: NO THANKS. Scott: I second that.
Jake: Scott and I watched the scariest movie EVER created. 'Mosquito'. Ruth: Jake, bugs aren't that bad. Jake: When six foot mosquitos suck ALL the blood from the body of a helpless fisherman, they are pretty damn bad.
Jake: I crack myself up. Ruth: Too bad you're the only one cracking up about that.
Ruth: Northville is OUR city. Scott: Damn right. Mrs. Morante better watch out.
Ruth: And I'm guessing for Valentine's day, we're not going anywhere? Jake: No, I don't think so. Ruth: Damn it. I was looking forward to a nice dinner and the DIA...Damn it, Jake! Why couldn't you wait a week?!
Ruth: You're a brother. How can you hate Detroit? Jake: You're a pig. How can you hate lots of meat?
Ruth: I had a funny thought as to why your mother was barfing. Maybe you'll finally have that little brother. Jake: I think it's about 9 years too late for that. I haven't seen a tampon in the house since the early Bush administration...the first Bush. Ruth: Yeah, she may be a little past her child-bearing years. I still don't understand how that works...I mean, when we were little kids, we didn't want sex. And then we started to grow and then we did. But what about after your system goes into a coma? Wouldn't you stop wanting sex then too? Then you watch movies like 'Grumpy Old Men' when Jack Lemmon and Ann-Margret, both people well into their 60's and 70's, having sex. It doesn't make sense! Jake: You lost me when you mentioned Jack Lemmon and sex in the same sentence. Ruth: In the movie, they have sex. You don't see it, but they talk about it. It's like 'You guys are OLD! Your sex drive shut down!' But then people are like 'No, no, people have sex when they get old!' Jake: It doesn't shut down. It's just not feasable for them to have sex. If they do, one party or both parties will break a hip. Long ago, seniors probably just agreed to stop engaging in sex for fear of bone breakage. And thank God. Otherwise, doctors would have to write "Senior Sex" as cause for many broken hips/fractured pelvises...etc. Not to mention the serious lack of vaginal secretion. (shudder)
Ruth: How do people do that? They decide they want to have kids. How do you go about that? Scott: You have sex. Ruth: Well, obviously. No, I mean, just one day out of the blue at dinner. "I think we're ready to have a baby.' 'All right, let's clear off the table and go to the bedroom right now.' Scott: Man, clearing off the table can wait!
Scott: Someone feelin' 'randy' over there? Ruth: Who's Randy and why am I feeling him?
Scott: I'm rolling my eyes at the sarcasm that is just oozing out your ears. Ruth: Then I'll wipe my ears. Scott: The next time I'm done with a girl, she'll be wiping more then just her ears.
Scott: Was this one of those days where you needed to come home and just have sex? That was me on Monday. Ruth: This was me today. Scott: You know me, always willing to help when you have a problem. Ruth: Too bad we didn't mean halfway and need sex yesterday.
Ruth: You know you'd like my cold hands on your hot sexy chest. Massaging you. Scott: Yeah, it would feel good...I like cold things on my chest, it makes my chest firm up and get bigger. Ruth: Just your chest?
Scott: Not today. It's Sunday. Ruth: You don't masterbate on Sunday? Scott: Nope. Ruth: Wow. That's holy of you.
Ruth: Is your tongue a gun? Scott: No, but I am beginning to consider it a secret weapon...no pun intended.
Jake: I hate Debra Winger. She needs a good fuck. Ruth: She gets one in this movie. There's one like 20 second shot of her and Billy Crystal getting it on. Jake: No, she needs like a 13 inch phallus shoved up her ultra tight twat.
Scott: Everything's freakin' sexual. Ruth: Can you find Pizza Hut to be sexual in anyway? Scott: Yeah, it's fun to pull American Pies with raw Big New Yorker dough. Now THAT's American Pie for you. Only, I call it Scott Pie.
Scott: It feels good to talk dirty again...now me and my bed sheets have something in common. Ruth: Your bed sheets talk dirty? Sweet! Where did you get talking bed sheets? Scott: They say 'Change me'. Ruth: Or 'These white stains aren't coming off any more.'
Ruth: Seriously, Jake...if we ever did it, we'd be just like Harry and Sally. Jake: Only I would want to watch a movie.
Ruth: Pizza Hut's breadstick garlic shit they put on it. I have to shave off the inch-thick layer before I eat them. Scott: You're really into shaving, aren't you? Ruth: Brazilian, baby!
Scott: I'm getting this weird residue on the wall now. Ruth: Scott, you're not supposed to let the hose go willy nilly. Scott: Well, it's a two person job to handle and I'm only one guy. Granted, I'm the chief, but even HE needs backup once in a while. Ruth: And you have a lot of hose to handle
Ruth: So when guys go to bed, they wear either underwear or bottoms? Jake: It all depends on the guy. Some wear boxers, some wear briefs, some wear PJ bottoms, some nude. Ruth: And you? Jake: Usually nude. Ruth: No wonder you're always cold. Jake: Why does that sadden you? Ruth: I don't think ANY guy should be naked. At any time that they're not having sex or showering, guys should be clothed. Jake: Oh God. Here she goes on her anti-penis rant.
Ruth: For future reference, guys should NEVER ask for sex during PMS or periods. Scott: Damn, that means I'm restricted to two weeks a month for sex? That's false advertising when when girls look hot during PMS then. Ruth: They look HOT during PMS? How is that possible? Scott: I don't know. But in third grade, this girl looked hot every day for a month. She had to have had her period SOMETIME! Ruth: It was third grade. You don't get your period til middle school, goof.
Ruth: At least you got some male bonding time. Jake: Why do you call it that? You make it sound like steamy gay coitus.
Ruth: Scott, lift up your shirt. Scott: It's cold. Ruth: I want April to see.
(Scott lifts up shirt) April: Wow, Scott! You're hot. You have a GREAT body! Ruth: I told you. So can I put chocolate sauce all over your body and lick it off? Scott: Is that what you want? Ruth: Yeah. Scott: It has to be hot. Because I'm cold!
Jake: If a girl was giving me head, I would feel weird. I would be like, "...Ok, what I am supposed to do? Just sit here?" Ruth: I know, and what are we supposed to do? 'Up, down, lick, lick?' That's not FUN. If I wanted to do that, I'd buy a lollipop.
Jake: Where is this going to go down? Ruth: Nice choice of words.
Ruth: Just in case, should I bring a bag? Jake: I don't get it. Ruth: A bag, Jake, a PLASTIC bag. Jake: Why? Ruth: Just think about it. You'll get it. Jake: Are you talking about a condom? Ruth: Good job. Jake: Condoms are rubber, you goof.
Jake: I am reading the titles of various pornos playing on the Spice Network tonight...quite hilarious. Wow, porno companies have really lost their creativity, like Unprotected Sex. Gets right to the point. Ruth: Yeah, well, it's porn. People really could give a damn about the title. They just want naked people having sex. Jake: I like a little bit of plot. I want to care about the characters before I see them engage in wet coitus.
Ruth: The Roosable hug, as Kristy says, consists of me hugging you into my boobs. Scott: Yeah...too bad I'm not taller so that we wouldn't have that problem. Ruth: Since when would it be a problem?
Jake: Ruth and Scott...sitting in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G. Ruth: You wish. You'd be on your porch with binoculars.
Jake: We can go out on one condition. Ruth: What's that? Jake: If the situation should arise, we're allowed to have sex with one person of your choice. Ruth: Um...all right. Scott.
(pause Jake: But that's not fair! You probably will do him!
Ruth: How about we talk about sex? That's always good conversation. Scott: It makes better action then conversation.
Jake: You don't seem like someone who's into oral sex. Ruth: No way. I can't have that thing in my mouth! And I don't want your tongue in those lips either! Jake: Okay, we're settled.
Ruth: How are we supposed to have sex if you can't even take off your shirt? Jake: With my shirt on. Ruth: Then I get to wear socks. Jake: I will be wearing socks and shoes, shirt, sweater, hat, glasses...everything but pants. Ruth: That's not sex! That's pantless humping!
Ruth: I have my basketball picture to give you tomorrow. It turned out REALLY nice. I swear, I look so damn sexy in that picture...damn. Scott: Are you turned on by yourself? Because I like when girls like girls, it's hot. Ruth: Oh...my...God... Scott: Just not Rosie and Anne Heche. Ruth: You're one of THOSE types. You like the chick-on-chick action, I see? Scott: Well, I'd prefer guy (me)-on-girl action, but if I can't have that and I'm watching something, I like that a lot.
Ruth: It'd be really interesting to have sex with you. I mean, the experience on the couch...you were shorter and it was sure as hell noticeable. Scott: I'm only short in one aspect.
Ruth: Oh yeah by the way, after that rousing convo we had last night, I dreamt about you. Scott: Oh yeah? Scott would like to hear about this. Ruth: Heh, wild! Scott: Are you playing with me or is that how it really was? Ruth: It was. I was shocked but I liked it a lot. Scott: Brings a whole new meaning to the question, "Was it good for you?" Ruth: Oh my God...YES. Scott: It must have been a vivid dream. Ruth: Yeah, it was pretty normal. You know, nothing involving animals or more than just you and I, no whips, no chains. Just plain old, feel good sex with strawberries.
Ruth: You guys are gonna win the Mega Blue title. You guys are gonna do it so hard, they're gonna be moaning for more. Scott: You're thinking about the girls in the locker room party after the win.
Ruth: Jake doesn't wanna stay at the dance the whole time. So we're probably gonna leave and go do something. Ruth's Mom: (awful look) You know, Ruth...sex is a very big step in a relationship.
Ruth: God, Jake, can't get enough of me? Jake: Well, I have nothing to do and hanging out with you is better than hanging out by myself. Ruth: Well, at least I'm better than your hand. Jake: NOTHING is better than my hand. Ruth: Someone else's hand would be.
Ruth: My mom suggested I go with you and Jake. Scott: How about a hell no? I'm not going with a guy and a girl. Ruth: Hey, major threesomes. Scott: I won't do a threesome where my sex is the majority. Sorry. Ruth: Oh, come on! You'd rather you, me, April than you, me, Jake? Scott: YES. Ruth: Hey, man, you and Jake on me...whoo. That'd be one helluva experience. Scott: Yeah, for you. I wouldn't feel like sharing. Ruth: You want your woman all to yourself? Scott: Yeah, or have an orgy with an equal amount of males and females. Ruth: So it'd have to be you, me, Jake and April? Four-way traffic?
Ruth: Top or bottom? Jake: I would have to say top. Ruth: Damn...can't have sex with you. I want top. Jake: You would.
Scott: You and Jake doing the horizontal mambo? That's funny. Ruth: Jake and his nasaly voice, "Oh, yes! Yes! Do it to me!" Scott: Yeah, and I can just here Jake complaining about how you'd sound with a man voice. "Keep going, I wanna take you all in." Ruth: I couldn't have sex with Jake if I tried because I'd just laugh so hard, I'd have an asthma attack and pass out.
Ruth: I don't want to wake the neighbors so when I have sex, I plan to keep my mouth shut. Scott: Maybe your mouth just needs to be kept busy.
Ruth: So no sex? Scott: Probably was. Otherwise, it'd be a boring dream. Ruth: Man, how could you not remember sex?
Ruth: Would you have sex with me instead of her? Scott: Yeah. At least when you scream my name, it wouldn't sound lispy. "Sthcott!" I'll just have a man-voice in my ears. Ruth: And I'll have your monotone. 'Do it to me. Oh. God. This is great.' Scott: No, when it comes to pleasure of that magnitude, I'll actually enunciate my words.
Scott: You know, guys and girls can be friends. The sex thing is always there but it can make people better friends. Ruth: Until they actually do it and that's when the shit hits the fan, a la When Harry Met Sally.
Ruth: Yeah, I can't have sex with a non-virgin until I am one I want to lose it to a virgin. A group effort on losing it. Scott: But it will be like "Where does THIS go?" "I don't know." Ruth: "Um there?" "OW!" "What was that?" "My eye!"
Ruth: Hopefully tonight you dream of an all-out orgy with Ruth Sable. Scott: Only if you do the same with Scott Funke.
(The following evening) Scott: Did you dream about me? Ruth: It was weird. I kept folding like paper because I was so tall. Scott: I remember we had a nice king size bed and our own refridgerators.
Scott: Do you know how far I would go to prove I'm not gay? Ruth: How far? Scott: We're talking full body lather-up and a massage afterwards, minus the towel. Ruth: Would you have sex with me to prove you're not gay? Scott: Yeah. Ruth: Would you have sex with April? Scott: Yeah. Ruth: Would you have sex with me AND April? Think about it. Two tall girls on a short dude. Would that be a fantasy or what? Scott: Heck yeah it would. Stop it or else I'll have to bring out the shampoo bottle.
Scott: I need to get him to start using baby shampoo for that. Ruth: It bothers me cuz I know you wash your hair with the same stuff that you... Scott: It's not like I do my thing then rub it into my hair. Ruth: So that's why your hair looks so oily.
Ruth: So what flavor's yours? Scott: It's unflavored. Ruth: Lubricated? Scott: It's an original Trojan. Ruth: Damn, at least I was classy enough to get the lubricated ones.
Ruth: Yeah, you don't really discuss sex. In front of me, at least. Scott: Well, we see each other a total of 3 minutes a day in person, usually with your friends there too. That isn't exactly the best environment to discuss orgasms, positions and best condom flavors.
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