Conversation Quotes
Ruth: Scotttttttttttt...Scott: Whattttttttt?
Ruth: You're taking a hands-off approach to this making out thing. Jake: No, I believe you're the one that's hands-off.
Scott: Why do you own so many pens? Ruth: I don't know. I just like to go willy-nilly with them. Scott: Well, add an 'I' to pens and I'll get willy-nilly too.
Ruth: Did you know that insects outnumber humans 100 million to one? Jake: No, I didn't. However, that really, REALLY scares me. Ruth: 100 million insects all over you. Someone dumping buckets of maggots all over you. I can hear you shrieking. Jake: A dozen wild pitbulls running toward you, their mouths gapping open, their tongues hanging out, foam covering their snout... Ruth: I'd be crying. I'd assume the fetal position and scream. Jake: You would be dead. If you were smart, you would run for a tree as fast as possible. One pitbull could kill you. Ruth: I can't climb trees worth shit. Jake: You would learn how really, really fast.
Ruth: I'm horrible at chess. Scott kills me at chess. Jake: And I kill Scott. Ruth: Geez, you'd SPANK me. Jake: Mmmmm...don't I already? Ruth: Not anymore.
Jake: Linkin Park rules! Ruth: Linkin Park sucks donkey! Jake: Wasn't Hybrid Theory the top selling album of 2000? Ruth: Probably but they still SUCK, SUCK AND SUCK AGAIN.
Ruth: My brother asked the inevitable question today when he came over. 'Is Jake...gay?' Jake: Your family blows. Ruth: At least not literally.
Ruth: Colin Farrell is HOT. Jake: So you are a fan of the "lusty leprechaun"? Ruth: (long sigh) Yeeeeeeeeeees. I mean, as an actor, I could care less. He's just sexy. Jake: Well, you are right. I can see how girls would be attracted to him. He seems like the new foreign import. What ISN'T he in this year? Ruth: Lord of the Rings. he should be. Fuck that Orlando Bloom!
Scott: We were hangin'. Ruth: Hopefully not in the way like after the Thanksgiving dinner.
Ruth: If I don't know who people are, I put their screen names on my buddy list until I find out who they are and then I decide whether or not they stay. Scott: I made the cut. Whew. Ruth: Yes, you did. I'm not Mrs. Henderson, you know.
Jake: Damn! Jennifer Aniston just keeps going up! Ruth: And so do you.
Scott: I am SO over basketball. Ruth: Yeah, and that's the reason you play it in your basement every time I'm over. You miss it. Admit it. Scott: I miss it like I lost a friend. Ruth: If only you made the team in tenth grade. Scott: I don't want to talk about it.
Jake: I am really beginning to not like Ms. Sinclair. Ruth: Why? Jake: She is so damn nervous and jittery. Ruth: (cough) Hypocrite. Jake: I am not a nervous person. Ruth: (imitating Jake) Ruth, I'm so sweaty right now!
Jake: I don't take advice from someone who has a cell phone with minutes you manually install. Ruth: I don't take advice from someone who stays home from school once a week because he 'didn't feel like going'.
Jake: How stupid everything is. Scott: Like the kind of stupid known as sleeping in on a school day?
Jake: I FUCKING HATE COMPUTERS! Ruth: Then can I take yours out of your room?
Ruth: All right, I'm done with this show. Jake: (cough) Common interest. Ruth: We already have a common interest. We like to argue with each other.
Scott: By the way, where did you end up eating? Ruth: Do you need to ask? Scott: Don't tell me you ran for the border. Ruth: More like drove to it.
Jake: That's all right, that's okay. You're gonna pump my gas someday. Ruth: I already did.
Jake: Once this shirt is washed, it's going to fit like a glove. Ruth: But not like OJ's glove, I hope.
Ruth: I'm trying to make a new wallpaper for my computer desktop. Jake: That can wait. I have been working on my site all night. A little priority would be nice. Ruth: Well, a little priority woulda been nice at work today when I called you and you were watching a movie...Do you need some ointment for that BURN?
Ruth: At least I don't comment on your chick ass. Jake: I don't have a woman ass. Ruth: Too much junk in the trunk, Jake. Jake: Yeah, but in a good way. Like J-Lo. Ruth: In an entirely bad way because you're a guy. Jake: I have a nice butt. Leave me alone.
Ruth: If I'm go to the bathroom in first hour, half of the time Ms. Spurlin's in there with me. And she's always SMILING at me. It's like 'Uh, hey...' Jake: Ew! You share a stall?! Ruth: (sarcastically) Yeah, Jake. Me and Ms. Spurlin. All the time. Jake: I forgot that girls pee sitting down at first. And I had this image of you and her standing in front of adjacent urinals.
Ruth: If I were you, we would get tickets EARLY. Jake: Yes, well, that is a lot of gas and a significant chunk out of my time. Ruth: Gas, that's understandable, but, seriously, Jake, I'm sure your movie reviews can wait to be alphabetized.
Jake: I think I am going to start calling you Annie. A combination of "Ann" and the last part of "Ruthie" It’s so cute. Ruth: If you must. But now I have the sudden urge to dye my hair red and sing 'Tomorrow'.
Scott: Next time that happens though, I might seriously call Brie Anne up. Ruth: You friends with her or something? Scott: No, but there's nothing wrong with making new friends. Ruth: Note to self: do not cancel on Scott again.
Ruth: You need a bra. Jake: You need a pair of tweezers.
Scott: How far are you on your Comp Comp final? Ruth: Ummm…Scott: Get started right now.Ruth: Four sentences. Scott: Put the game on mute. Ruth: But we have closed caption!
Jake: STOP. Ruth: In the name of love...
Ruth: And that woman from 'Solaris' scared the shiz out of me. Scott: The woman was hot. The only positive of the movie. Ruth: No she wasn't! She was like a BUG. Scott: That woman, whoever she was, was hot. She can seduce me anytime she wants. Ruth: God...it was like 'ALIEN!' Scott: So? she's a hot alien. Ruth: Jake's over here 'They all deserve Oscar nominations.' I'm like 'No.' Scott: The only Oscar any of them deserve is the woman. Hottest Alien.
Scott: I would have probably woken up that late, but the game started at 11. Ruth: What game? Scott: "What game?" Ruth: Oh yeah, that one. Scott: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Ruth: Sorry, geez. I don't have a penis. Therefore, I really don't care.
Ruth: Jake's parents still haven't taken the computer out of Jake's room. You and I should go over there and rip it out. Scott: I already threatened Jake that I hired a nig to steal it completely and never give it back.
Ruth: I'm hungry. Jake: You know, after 8, food turns directly into fat. Ruth: I don't care. Jake: (looks at Ruth up and down) Mmhmm.
Jake: Awwww....Frankie is sitting by my feet. What a sweetie! He slept on my bed last night, the angel. Ruth: You need a cat. Then you'll know what a sweetie is.
Jake: Oh God...Pat Sajak is trying comedy! Ruth: No one wants to hear his 'vowel' mouth.
Scott: Often times, we will be playing at the same time, right next to each other. Ruth: I know. I hated that. I remember once the entire away team (I think it was Dearborn or Annapolis) was hitting on me while I was setting up the flags. They were like 'Yeah, 24. You got a nice ass.' The coach was like 'Come on, guys.' Scott: Yeah, but you liked it. Ruth: Would you like it if the ENTIRE girls soccer team was like 'Ooh yeah number seven. Nice ass.' Scott: Yeah! Ruth: But, Scott...YOU DON'T HAVE AN ASS!
Jake: I am in a chat room with no one over 12. I feel so adult. Ruth: Too bad that: A) their parents are watching, or B) They ARE parents. Jake: Some nine year old just yelled out, "I'M A NYMPHOMANIAC!" Ruth: Told you. He took the 3 off in front of his age in hopes that he can get some 'young snatch'.
Ruth: Your manhood probably swelled with pride. Scott: Yeah, my manhood wasn't the only thing that was swelling.
Leigh: Physics? I'm dumb. Ruth: No, seriously, I beat you on the dumb factor.I'm adding 33 and 44 and saying it equals 27.
Jake: I am arguing with Ruth about the Christmas Party. Scott: Why? Jake: Do you think I want to go to a Christmas party the last day of school? I am going to be tired as hell. Scott: What are you doing on Friday that is going to be so strenuous? Jake: School. Scott: Jake, no offense, but until you actually start doing something at school, you have no right to be tired.
Ruth: How did you do last year? Scott: I was 17. Ruth: Okay, let me try that again.
Jake: Hey, can I ask a really, really big favor? Ruth: Oh no...Jake: Oh yes...Jake: I'm telling my dad you think he's hot. Ruth: Oh, yeah, I really dig those 50 year old guys who drive trucks, wear plaid shirts, smoke and talk about how horribly comfortable suspenders are.
Ruth: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to help you. Jake: Yeah, I got that point last night.
Jake: Now this is 'I Gotta Get Thru This'. Ruth: Not like that song's good fast or slow. Jake: Shut your face! Ruth: Jake, if it even gets NOMINATED for any kind of music award, I'll shoot myself.
Scott: No, I know you're sweating right now. Ruth: Yeah I am...I'm right under a heater.
Jake: Are you aware there is a "Hot Topic Energy Drink"? I'm serious. It is in a black and red can. Ruth: Man, that's pretty Hot Topic.
Scott: Leftover Wendy's. That was good, a double cheeseburger. Ruth: Ew! Scott: You'll never learn. Wendy's is brain candy. Ruth: Wendy's is good, just not their spam burgers. Scott: Their chicken is made from 'assorted parts' molded together. Ruth: It's better than that shit-on-the-grill. Scott: I happen to like that shit!
Ruth: I run circles around your mind? Jake: Do I not run circles around yours?
Jake: You know what movie is going to probably end up on my year-end top 10 list? Ruth: Eight Legged Freaks?
Ruth: I'm making you a mixtape. Jake: I don't have a tape player. Ruth: Wow, are you so technologically advanced that you don't have a tape player? Let me guess, you have an electrical can opener too, right?
Ruth: You're my critic. Jake: Awwww. You have no idea how much that comment just turned me on.
Ruth: Jake, I hate you. Get over here and get your cake before I get uglier. Jake: I don't know if that's possible.
Ruth: Jake, go to Hell. Jake: I'm taking you with me. Ruth: We'd end up getting kicked out of Hell in ten minutes. 'Would you guys stop arguing?!''
Jake: Nobody's more manly than Ruth. Ruth: I have to put up with this every day. I'm getting physical abuse. Mental abuse. Jake: It's verbal abuse. Get it right. Ruth: Shut the hell up, Jake!
Jake: This is you. (stuffs balloons up shirt) Hello, Jake. Shut up, you guys. Ruth: This is you. (stuffs single balloon up shirt) TACO BELLLLL!
Jake: Had 9/11 happened like now, Bush would have won re election in a land slide. And even that it did happen to early in his term, we will still be re elected. Ruth: We...like you're Barbara Bush or something.
Jake: I don't think we're in Redford anymore, Toto. Scott: Yeah, we are. I just saw some trash on the ground. Jake: White trash, literally.
Ruth: Looks like you're about as fucked as...(pause) Scott: Falon.
Jake: Your jokes seemed really forced yesterday. Ruth: Really? Well, the next time you're in town with your comedy show, let me know so I'll buy tickets. Scott: Heh, what comedy show?
Scott: I'm wearing a new shirt tomorrow. My mom said, "Try it on" and it fits. Ruth: Where does she get these shirts? Scott: She got them from one of my uncles. They look nice and they fit so I just wear them. Ruth: Maybe these are women's shirts. Tomorrow, 'Scott, I want you to try on this pink lacey top.' Scott: 'It's so soft...where does this strap go?'
Jake: You floss? What a loser! Ruth: At least I can floss and not have to worry about metal chunks getting in the way!
Ruth: You always said the best things come in small packages. Scott: Not all of the best things come in small packages. What about the Statute of Liberty and dicks?
Jake: Good God! Ozzy, Sharon, and Kelly Osbourne are on The Tonight Show. It looks like a frickin' funeral percession! They are talking about sex already. Wow, it took them all of 5 seconds to get onto that topic! Ruth: Yeah, that HOT topic, just like them, right, Jake?
Scott: Someone called, asking for a taco pizza. Ruth: That was Jake.
Jake: I am having a weird conversation with Beth Drittler. Ruth: Oh, really? Jake: No! I am having cyber sex with Pope John Paul II...YES! (pause) Wow, that was very sarcastic. Ruth: That was at Ruth Sable Sarcastic Force Level 5. Jake: No, that's a level not even Janeane Garafalo dares to go...
Ruth: When I say it in person, it sounds like Jay-cup. I can't get the B going. Jake: Ironic, considering I throw a B on the back of every word I say.
Jake: You know what we should do? Ruth: What? Jake: We should take ball room dancing lessons. That would be so much fun. Maybe it's the Shakira tango song playing that put me in the mood to dance, but it would be fun. Ruth: Jake...that is the greatest idea ever. I'm serious. Girls always want guys to dance. Jake: Wouldn't that be so much fun? Ruth: YES! Jake: We would show up EVERYONE at HC. Ruth: We would be so kick ass. Dude, seriously, I need to learn how to dance and when Daniel Bettingfield comes on, so do you. Jake: No, you should have seen me last night. I was tearing up the bedroom. My stuffed animals were cheering.
Scott: I'm sick of work. I have to work again tomorrow, that will make 4 days in a row. Ruth: Yeah, working every day, what is that about?
Jake: The only reason why 'Forget Paris' doesn't make my top 5 rom-coms is because Debra Winger is such a fridgid bitch. Ruth: I relate well with her. Jake: Yeah, I see the connection.
Ruth: Swear, it's like Ruth and Jake, roles switched, different guy. Jake: You are like one of those rare African frogs that have been known to switch sexual orientation...only you switch roles in a relationship.
Matt: You're not Superman, you know. Ruth: I'm not a man but I sure am SUPER!
Scott: That's what style of Old Spice I use, "Spring Rain". Ruth: Okay, then don't use that anymore. Scott: I'll switch to "Pure Sport". You liked Spring Rain, though. Ruth: Yeah, well, not when you marinade in it. What are you trying to be, an Old Spice rotisserie chicken? Scott: But I'm so tender and juicy that way...
Ruth: Mmm, authentic Polish food. Jake: Gross. Ruth: Pierogies are good but kielbasa's horrible. Jake: I am sorry, but I would rather eat nig food than Polish food. Ruth: So are you into collard greens and chitlins or are you a chicken and waffles kind of guy?
Sarah: Ruth, can I make one of those pizza things for lunch? Ruth: As long as you don't blow up the house. Sarah: Okay.
Jake: Yeah, you need to do something with your hair. It wasn't working today. It was just this fro... Ruth: You need to do something with your hair. The gray sheen isn't working.
Jake: Oh, my God, what if I started wearing blazers to school?! Ruth: Oh, my God, Jake, I'd disown you! You want to wear blazers? Go to CC!
(Ruth and her mom driving) Ruth: Oh, look, there goes another squirrel across the street. Ruth's Mom: It's Attack of the Squirrels! (screams)
Jake: I have never been to Kristy's quote page. Ruth: You must really not like her. Jake: I have no interest in clever anicdotes of Kristy's. Ruth: Why not? I thought you loved her. Jake: Kristy?! Parrish the thought! Ruth: You know, the hate you have for her is unnatural. It almost makes me think you love her.
Jake: What the fuck keeps beeping?! Ruth: The bomb. Jake: It's like the Tell-Tale Heart up in here! It's the dead blender...and its pissed!
(a few minutes later) Jake: Found it. Ruth: What was it? Jake: My cell phone was out of juice. I was hoping for something a little more exciting. Ruth: Like a bomb? Jake: Like my remote control had 10 seconds before self destruction.
Jake: Like Miranda said on Sex and the City, "I know how to please a man, just give up all your power." Ruth: Too bad, Jake. I like them pants just fine.
Ruth: I have NEVER been tardy to class in high school. Jake: I am going to change that. I am going to make you tardy for Bingamon tomorrow. Ruth: Jake, if you make me tardy, I will cry. Jake: Bring your tissues. Ruth: I'm serious. what are you going to do, hold me down? Jake: Force myself on your and thrust my tongue down your throat. A little tonsil tennis. Ruth: Lest we forget I'm a soccer player? SWIFT kick. Jake: A swift, hard and effective pinch to the nipples. Ruth: I'd file harassment. Jake: So would I for touching my "private space", touche. Ruth: I'd have a one up because you would force yourself upon me and I would say it was in self-defense. Jake: Oh shut up, you would like it. Ruth: Not in SCHOOL and especially considering we're not a couple, so THERE. Jake is tongue tied now and we haven't even made out yet.
Jake: Channel 4 right now! Jerry Springer, "Freaky Fetishes II". This chick has sex with her appliances. She's humping the vacuum. This is nasty. Now she's doing it with a dust-buster. Ruth: Maybe she needs to get out all the dust or something...Jake: Uh oh...here comes the boyfriend! Ruth: Man, how awful would that be to walk in and see your woman pleasuring the dust buster? Jake: She just said the appliances were better than him. How embarrasing would that be...a blender is more sexually satisfying than yourself?
Jake: It's funny cause it's true. Remember that? Ruth: It sounds familiar but I don't know from what? Jake: I used to say it ALL the time in like December last year. Ms. Chechak once yelled at me about it. Ruth: FYI, Chechak yelled at you about breathing too loud.
Jake: I expect to see this conversation on the quotes page! Ruth: You expect to see every conversation we have on the quote page. You worry more about the page than I do.
Scott: Do you think Mary plumps when she sits by a fire like Ballpark franks? Ruth: She doesn't need a fire. She's already plump.
Ruth: I think after basketball I'm going to get my hair cut Jake: Pretty please don't cut it short. Maybe like 1/2 inch. Ruth: What say do you have in it? Are you my: a) mother, b) father, c) boyfriend? Jake: I am your "significant other". Ruth: Since when? We never established this. Jake: Am I not an other? Am I not significant?
Ruth: I remember the first conversation we ever had, I asked you if you knew what I looked like. You said 'Tall, brown hair in a bun and you wear your soccer uniform to school a lot.' Scott: Yeah, but compare that to now. Ruth: Tall, brown hair in a fro, wears basketball parphanelia to school a lot.
Jake: I hate these pictures on college and college information websites of people holding a pencil looking intrigued, likely by the lecture. It is so false. Ruth: I know. You need the picture of Jake, fifth hour.
Jake: He's a rival diva. Ruth: Shouldn't he be a divo?
Scott: That's Jake, rather be watching TV then being with friends. Ruth: Well, actually, he will be with Friends. It's Thursday.
Jake: Why are you pissed? Ruth: Because of Must-See TV.
Ruth: Yeah, well, I'm going to be able to see rated R movies an entire three months before you will. 'Jake, want to go see this movie? Oh, I forgot! You can't!' (laughs hysterically) Jake: I hate you.
Jake: Why am I an ass? Ruth: You have to ask?
Ruth: So, Jake, are you sure you don't want to make out? Jake: I don't want to make out just to make out. Ruth: (jokingly) Come on, I'm ready to go! Jake: Go where?
Ruth: You guys should wear pants. Scott: We already do wear pants. Ruth: Snowpants, I mean. Now that would be fun football. It'd be an entire team of Peplinskis.
Ruth: I'll give you three guesses what movie I'm watching. Scott: WWF Wrestlemania 1987 Highlights, Escape From L.A. and When Harry Met Sally are my guesses.
Jake: Sorry, I am having a melt-down, or should I say sweat-down. Ruth: Jake, you really need to stop sweating the small stuff, pun intended.
Scott: By the way, I have hand lotion now. Ruth: Praise the Lord.
Ruth: Sara heard Kristy, though. She made this awful face at her. Scott: Are you sure it was because of that, or was Sara casually glancing in the area and just happened to look awful at the moment?
Ruth: Maybe you should actually go to sleep at night. Jake: I guess I don't sleep... Ruth: Well, you know, at a decent hour. Jake: I always do. 11:45.
Ruth: I love this song! Jake: What is this? It's so Hot Topic. Ruth: It's 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' by Good Charlotte. Jake: Wasn't that a TV show? (bad Australian accent) 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'. Ruth: (proper Australian accent) 'With Robin Leach!' Jake: (laughs hysterically) THAT'S GOING ON THE QUOTE PAGE! Ruth: I don't know you.
Ruth: But I love you, Jake. Yous my bitch. Jake: No, YOUS my bitch. Get it straight.
Ruth: Douglas 'Muttonchops' Davis was in Physics today for no reason. Scott: He needs to shave his 'burns badly. He's starting to look like John Wilkes Booth with glasses.
Ruth: If you hadn't noticed, I get crankier as the week goes on. Monday mornings, I'm so damn chipper. By Friday I'm like 'BITCH, GO!' Jake: I get less cranky as the week progresses. Monday, I am like "Don't talk to me!", but Friday I am like "Let's go to the movies! LIFESTYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS....WITH ROBIN LEACH! HAHAHAHAHA!" Ruth: Then Wednesday's probably a good day for us to communicate. Jake: Yes, Wednesday is our crankiness equilibrium.
Jake: How about: Bistro Film Reviews: Combining Jake Sproul's favorite things, that of food and movies. Ruth: Food?! You're gonna add food to your site? Jake: It was a joke. Not to be taken literally. Ruth: But it could double up as a recipe/movie review site. Jake: Good Girl Garlic Toast. Possession Pancakes. Road to Perdition Trail Mix. Ruth: Four Feathers Cornish Hen. Jake: Divine Secrets of the Peanut Butter Cookie Sisterhood.
Jake: My mom just told me the library is open! Ruth: Well, see? I didn't just say that 15 minutes ago. That'll teach you to listen to the women of your life.
Jake: I will pick you up at 1:40. Ruth: Yeah, right. You'll be here at 2:30.
Jake: Oh yeah, you don't like body hair. This coming from a chick with a love trail. Ruth: It's not a love trail, Jake! It's a simple hair that's confused. Jake: It's the Anne Heche of hair.
Ruth: Okay, fyi, Scott, April is gonna be very bitchy this week. Just a fair warning because she nearly bit my head off today. Scott: Why? Ruth: Cycles. Scott: Why did I have to ask? Jeez. Ruth: Jake told me to notify him of mine. I figured I'd notify you as well, a guy friend. You know, just so you'll understand. Scott: I'll never understand. I have a penis.
Ruth: It was a self-realization that I need to make like a cow and moooove. Jake: Or make like a tree and leave. Or make like Ludacris and "move bitch, get out 'da way" Or make like a 747 and jet. Or make like a super ball and bounce. Ruth: Or make like a Jake and beat it.
Jake: Why did they have to put the Hot Topic right across from the Build-a-Bear Workshop? WHY?! Ruth: So the little kids can say 'Mommy! Can I get a safety pin through my nose when I grow up?' Jake: Or, 'Mommy, when I get older, can I worship Satan?'
Jake: This vomit stuff is getting pretty risque. Ruth: Yeah, have you gotten into the exposed, half-eaten carrots yet? It's a DOOZY!
Scott: #11 in your program, #1 in your heart. Ruth: Well, #2 in my heart, to get technical.
Ruth: Even though you guys are my friends, you infiltrate into my subconscious very often. Scott: How so? Ruth: I have a reoccuring dream about Jake dying. And then there was the one where I had twins but Jake was the father of one and you were the father of the other (that can actually happen, I heard). And tell me you've never dreamt about me. Scott: Oh, I have. I won't deny it. Ruth: What do you remember? Scott: I know I've dreamt about you, I just don't remember details. Ruth: Come on, Scott, don't be shy. Scott: I swear I don't remember, except this one where you, Sally, and Kristy, and me Jake, and some random guy I've never seen before living together in a flat a la Friends. Jake's with Kristy, I'm with you, and the random guy is with Sally. Ruth: JAKE AND KRISTY, now that would be something to see. Scott: The only details are that Jake and Kristy had a son, you and I owned a mom and pop business and the random guy looked like a young Drew carey.
Ruth: I have no idea how the homecoming dinner's gonna turn out. It's gonna be funny. You, me, Scott and...Sally? Jake: Oh jeez. Ruth: Well, like I said to Sally, 'Scott'll make you feel welcome, even if Jake hates you.' Jake: I don't hate Sally!
Jake: Who is this quote unquote, "Big Boy"? Ruth: Big Boy's. You know, the restaurant. Our restaurant...Jake: They are going to Big Boy's for Homecoming? That so goes in my 10 list of "You know you are ghetto when..."
Ruth: OKAY SCOTT OKAY. Scott: WOW RUTH WOW.
Jake: I AM SO HOT! Ruth: True dat. Jake: It's like 90 degrees in my house. Excuse me, I got to get out of these pants. Try not to drool too much.
Ruth: Everyone likes you, Jake. Jake: 75% of the school thinks I'm gay.
Scott: If it came down to a you being gay or sex with me, what would you do? Ruth: Sex with you. Come on now...no pun intended.
Ruth: I saw Mary at church. Listen to this outfit: Red and black STRIPED sweater, khaki pants, black Spice-Girl-era boots and a single ponytail bun. Scott: That's obsecene. Who wears stripes anymore? Ruth: Sara and Mary wear stripes. Enough said
Ruth: Scott, what would you like me to get you for Christmas? Scott: Christmas? Well, it's early. Christmas gifts. Ruth: Wow, can I ask someone that and not get a stupid answer. I asked Jake, he said, "A car or a laptop." Scott: Wow, I guess that question didn't come out of left field. What's next, "Scott, did you make sure you washed behind your ears on August 19, 1997?" Ruth: Scott, do you read while you're on the can?
Ruth: White trash at its prime fashion! Scott: How come there's no such thing as black trash or Hispanic trash or Asian trash? Ruth: Because we'd be racist if we said that. Scott: Yeah. I guess only white people are racist. That's why black comedians can make fun of white people, but they pull out their AK 47's if we say the word 'nigga' once.
Jake: Jennifer Aniston won the Emmy! Ruth: I'm sure you're crying now. Jake: It's sad to say, but I am a little misty.
Scott: Pizza Hut doesn't hire just anyone. Ruth:I see. Very elite group of pizza makers?
Ruth: I had the worst dream about you last night! Jake: Why do you keep dreaming these bad things about me?! Ruth: I have no idea, but last night, you got me pregnant.
(tells same story to Scott) Scott: Why are you telling me? Ruth: Because I thought it was absolutely hilarious. But..I'm guessing you don't find it funny. You probably had to be there.
Jake: Ew! What did I just step in? Ruth: Looks to me like a big pile of nothing.
(Jake removes shoe) Jake: It's gum. Ruth: It's wet gum. Scott: No, it's spit from someone's sucker.
Jake: All my muscles hurt so much! Ruth: Why? Were you actually moving or something?
Ruth: Problems in computer land? Scott: Indeed. I need to take a visit to New Modem Land.
Scott: I think Jake's mad at me again. Ruth: What did you do now?
Ruth: When was the last time you barfed? Scott: November 6, 1995. 5th grade. I remember, just like in Seinfeld. Ruth: April 21, 2002 was the last time for me. I was sick for a week after spring break, fine for a week and then got sick again. Scott: That's a significant day, sort of. Ruth: So you're not a chronic barfer? I noticed guys don't barf much. Scott: Nope. I've barfed maybe 3 or 4 times since kindergarten. Ruth: I usually barf every year on December 2nd and a week before my birthday. Never fails. Scott: December 2nd is the day after my half-birthday. It's also Britney Spears' birthday. Ruth: Well, the last time you barfed was ten days before Sally's ninth birthday. Scott: Damn, she was only 8 the last time I barfed. That makes me feel old.
Scott: Chill out. Ruth: I'm chilled, man. I'm so chilly we have to shoo the penguins away.
Scott: Mr. Muse needs a shave. I'm about to loan him my Schick blade. Ruth: He needs more than that. He needs a pair of bush trimmers.
Ruth: Jake yesterday said that he doesn't want us to consider each other a couple. He said that I was coming on too strong. You know, because saying I was his girlfriend...damn, that was coming on strong. Scott: So what does he want to call you? Ruth: His friend. Scott: Friend with benefits. Ruth: For real. Who does he think he is, Ruth and Scott?
Jake: Wow, Ruth, you are THIN. Wait...what is that? Is that a hair? A hair? On your stomach? Ruth: Maybe. Jake: It's a single hair! Can I just pluck it? Ruth: NO!
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