"It's just not what I thought it would be," Justin couldn't meet Joey's eyes. Not after everything they'd done together.

Joey nodded, his Adam's apple bobbing dangerously in his throat. "I understand."

Justin wondered if he really did, or if Joey was just trying to make it easier on him. He'd put his money on the latter.

They stood in awkward silence, neither knowing what exactly was procedure in the current situation. Justin reached out, his fingertips brushing Joey's cheek. It was smooth under his touch. Justin remembered watching him shave that morning, the glide of the razor against lightly tanned skin, the strong smell of Old Spice when he returned to bed.

Then Joey grabbed his hips, thumbs brushing the soft skin, pulling him close. "Don't go." His mouth demanding, forceful. Pleading... "Please, stay."

Justin let himself go, let Joey's velvet tongue flick against his bottom lip. Let it enter his mouth, twining with his own. And then, after one last taste, he twisted away. Joey's arms fell to his sides, a slight frown on his bruised lips.

"I'm sorry...for everything." Justin choked out over the lump in his throat. This was so much harder than he'd anticipated. It shouldn't have surprised either of them. They should have seen it coming from the day it all began. Still, it hurt.

He really was sorry. It wasn't like he wanted to leave, he just had to. All good things come to an end, even things like this.

Joey cuffed him on the shoulder. "It's okay kiddo, I had fun." And then he grinned, tight around the edges of his mouth, not reaching his eyes. Justin knew it was fake.

"Good bye"

He left while he still had the strength to walk out the door.

It started one night toward the beginning of the Celebrity tour. They were on the West Coast, somewhere in California. Or maybe it was Washington. Location wasn't important.

Justin had stumbled into his hotel room after another night of partying. Exhausted, as usual, but too buzzed to go to sleep...

Music still pounded in his ears. Some techno song that he was too drunk to remember the name of and just drunk enough to like. He'd hated it at the club, sat down at the bar instead of dancing to it. Besides, the girl in the skimpy black leather skirt had wanted to talk to him.

"Bitch." Justin cursed aloud. Fucking cocktease had flirted with him the entire time, ground against him on the dance floor, then left before it could go any further. Before she could help him forget.

The song still blared in his head, a steady, nonstop rhythm that made his brain pulsate. Justin tapped the beat out on the floor with his foot. All of a sudden he felt the urge to dance.

But he needed a partner. And in his alcohol clouded mind, he knew exactly whom he wanted to dance with.

Smirking, Justin stumbled to the door. He swung it open, letting the doorknob bang against the wall. The door swung back, hitting him in the ass. Justin cried out in pain. A door across the hall opened, a head popped out.

"You okay J?" Joey questioned, brown eyes filled with concern. Justin met his gaze head on, looking like a deer in the headlights. The song flew out of his head, replaced by the thoughts he only allowed himself to think when drunk.

His eyes began to water. "No." He slurred.

Joey stepped out of his room, forehead wrinkled in confusion. Justin slid against the wall until his butt hit the floor, his head falling between his knees. The world was spinning, and he couldn't make it stop.

"What's wrong?" He could hear Joey's knee pop as he sat down next to him on. Joey's arm slid across his shoulders, pulling him into a hug. He nudged Justin's chin with his hand. "What's the matter Justin?"

Justin looked up, into Joey's eyes. Felt Joey's arm around his shoulders, his hand now rubbing up and down Justin's arm. Big, warm, so comforting. And burst into tears.

Joey's arm tightened around him and - before Justin could protest, not that he would have - buried Justin's face in his shoulder. His tears seeped through Joey's white t-shirt, leaving wet spots right next to his neck. His breath came in short gasps between sobs, every gasp bringing in more of Joey's scent. He cried harder each time.

All Joey could do was hold him, confused as Hell but not letting go. Justin didn't want him to let go.

After awhile, Justin's sobs dissolved into soft hiccups. The tears gradually began to subside, leaving trails of wetness on blotchy cheeks. Not that he was finished crying, there were just no more tears to cry.

Joey lifted his shoulder slightly, nudging Justin's head up. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Justin hiccuped. It was a bad lie, but better than the truth. "I'm just tired. And drunk."

"Bullshit." Joey rubbed the wetness on Justin's cheeks with his thumb. "You're not that drunk."

"Yes I am." Justin purposefully slurred, sounding phony even to his own ears.

Joey raised an eyebrow at him, his eyebrow ring glinting in the light. "Tell me."

Justin opened his mouth to say it, to finally say it. "I can't." His teeth clamped together with a chomp.

The warmth of Joey's arm disappeared as Joey rose to his feet. Joey looked down at him, his eyes narrowing. Joey was mad. Joey never got mad, at anyone. Even when Chris accidentally set his favorite Superman jersey on fire after downing a fifth of Jack Daniels, Joey only patted Chris on the back and listened to his drunken ranting about Dani.

"Fine then. Don't fucking tell me why you're crying in the hall at 3 o' clock in the morning. Screw you too, Justin."

Joey turned away from him abruptly, heading back to his room. Justin felt like crying again.

"Wait!" Justin cried out, scrambling to his feet. He grabbed at Joey's arm, desperate.

Joey let Justin whirl him around. "What?"

It's now or never, Justin thought. What did he have to lose, anyway? Without another word, he pressed his lips against the other man's. Joey stiffened, his body becoming rigid. Justin drew back, a sudden wave a fear hitting him like a brick. More like a Mack truck.

"Oh God." Justin could feel the bile rising in the back of his throat. Joey didn't want this. Want him. He was stupid for even trying. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. "Oh God."

If only the fans could see him now. Justin Timberlake, his eyes wide with terror and beginning to water. Drunk off his ass, trying to kiss the bandmate he'd crushed on for ages. If the fact that he was gay didn't get them, the fact that he was a fucking chickenshit would. That he could be certain of.

Justin backed away, trembling hands in the air. His back slammed into the wall. He turned into it, pressing his forehead against the cool surface. Listening for Joey's footsteps, the soft click of his door closing. Then he would be completely alone. Completely, utterly, alone. He finally heard the footsteps.

Joey's hand on his shoulder. "Justin."

He didn't want to turn around. He didn't want to see the pity. It would kill him.

"Justin, please." Joey persisted. His hand tugged, not hard enough to turn him around, but hard enough to jar him out of the terrified zone he'd put himself in.

Hesitantly, Justin turned around. His eyes stayed on the floor, too afraid to look up. This carpet is fucking ugly. "What?"

"Look at me." Joey's index finger hooked under his chin, forcing his head up. His eyes were dark, unrecognizable.

Justin took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I swear it'll never happen again, I-"

Suddenly, Joey's lips crushed against his, swallowing the rest of his sentence. Justin sank into the kiss, bringing his hands up against Joey's chest. Curling into his shirt. Joey pulled back, mouth hovering over Justin's. "Justin. Shut up."

Justin wrapped his arms around Joey's neck, forcing him back into the kiss. "Okay."

Chris came out of his room for ice twenty minutes later. He saw Joey first. Hands he normally associated with noogies or punches under Justin's shirt, caressing. Justin whimpering happily. His two friends' mouths working together, making loud, lewd noises. Nearing the pair cautiously, he reached over and tapped Joey's shoulder.

"What?" Joey turned his head slightly, his hands still kneading Justin's hard stomach. His eyes widened when he saw Chris, ice bucket in hand. Justin's heart lurched into his throat. "Oh. Shit."

Justin fully expected Joey to push him away, swear up and down that he was drunk and Justin took advantage of him. But that never happened. Joey's hands settled on Justin's hips, the side of his head pressed against Justin's forehead.

"Don't worry, not saying a word." Chris and Joey shared a look, Justin's eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Chris smirked. "Get your asses inside or something though. Don't need this shit on the cover of People."

"Will do." Joey chuckled, Justin could feel the vibrations through his entire body. He liked the feeling.

Chris nodded silently, shooting Justin a congratulatory glance. Justin blushed and bowed his head, feeling like a girl but not caring one bit. He gave them both a thumbs up before disappearing into his room. "Screw the ice. Good night guys."

"'Night." Justin mumbled, regaining the ability to speak.

Joey's lips were on his, tender and demanding at the same time. Then he pulled away. "So..."

"So..." Justin's mind started screaming at him, pulling him in two different directions. Leave now! Say good night, walk away! Part of him said. But then, there was the other part. Kiss him again! Ask him to screw you. He'd like that. You'd like that. "That was...um...nice."

Smooth Timberlake, so smooth. Sometimes he wondered how he'd become the heartthrob of the group.

Joey smirked at him, Justin fought the urge to kiss him again. The man was hot, damnit. He didn't care what BOP said. Joey was the hottest member of the group, not Justin. Not that he paid attention to what BOP said or anything...

Then Joey leaned over for a quick peck on the lips. "Good night Justin."

Justin's fingers flew up to his lips, pressing against the soft, bruised flesh. Joey winked at him before turning around and swaggering to his room. Justin watched him leave, blushing like a teenage girl. I'm a fucking teenybopper.

Weak kneed, he stumbled back to his room. As he let the door close behind him, he wondered if it actually happened. Or if this was just an extremely vivid, drunken dream.

It had actually happened, Justin found out the morning when they met in Lance's room for breakfast.

Justin had been picking at his bagel, taking tiny bites of it then setting it down. Chris watched him intently, Justin could tell he was dying to hit him with questions. But JC and Lance were around, and Chris was a man of his word.

Joey had arrived ten minutes late, just as Justin was about to take another bite.

His hand started shaking, so he let the bagel fall to the plate. Joey hadn't seemed to notice.

"Morning." He said cheerily, and slid into the chair right next to Justin. Justin stared down at his bagel, feeling a nauseous. Joey's arm brushed against his as he reached for a bagel of his own. Justin jumped back, startled. JC paused from listening to Lance talk about contracts to ask Justin if he was okay.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Justin gulped for air, nodding vigorously.

Joey turned to look at him, his eyebrows knitted together. Justin jabbed at his bagel with his finger. Joey moved closer, his thumb tracing Justin's bottom lip. Justin stopped that he was doing. Then Joey leaned over and kissed him.

JC made a happy sound, like he'd known it all along and was right. Lance started choking on a piece of sausage, coughing until Chris decided it was time to try the Heimlich Maneuver. Lance nearly killed him, trying to pry his arms off his middle.

Things finally settled down after Joey handed Lance a glass of water and told him to drink it. Lance nodded and wolfed down the water quickly, exhaling loudly when he was done. He turned serious eyes onto Justin and Joey. Justin squirmed in his seat, his mind still reeling from the kiss.

Justin jumped again when he felt Joey's hand cover the back of his neck. His fingers sliding into the curls, settling into a gentle massage. Justin closed his eyes for a second, sighing. He liked this, he liked it a lot.

JC was watching them, his face exploding into one giant smile. Just like the night before with Chris, he and Joey shared a silent conversation. Justin, like before, was left in the dark.

He thought he saw Joey beaming, but quickly dismissed the thought.

"Naw, Jayce, don't come over." Justin sat cross-legged on one of his favorite chairs in his bedroom, clad only in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. He held his phone in one hand and a pencil in the other. His notebook sat unopened on one of the chair's big arms. Fucking writer's block.

He called JC in a last-ditch attempt to be creative. It turned out to be one of the worst mistakes he could have made. Well, other than the one obvious mistake blaring at him.

"Justin, I know you." JC said, and Justin could hear him grabbing his car keys. "You're hurting."

"I'm the one that fucked up, the one that broke up with him." Justin replied pointedly. He balanced the pencil on his index finger, his eyes glued to it. "I don't get the right to be hurt, remember?"

"I still don't understand why." JC asked, his voice soft. JC was in a tough spot, torn between the two best friends he'd known forever. He'd known Joey longer, and probably knew him better in some ways. But their MMC bond gave Justin a slight advantage, sometimes. Regardless, Justin was lucky he was still talking to him. "You loved him, J."

The pencil fell to the ground. Justin watched it, feeling tears prick the insides of his eyelids. "I just...had to."

"Why?" JC was on the edge of hanging up on him, he knew. The man was fiercely protective of all his friends. Justin had hurt Joey, and now he wouldn't give a reason for it. "He deserves answers, you know."

"It was just time, okay?" Justin pinched the bridge of his nose to keep from crying. "And he deserves a lot more than that. A lot more than me."

"Oh Justin." JC sighed heavily. Justin thought maybe he was crying too. JC was just like that sometimes. Too sensitive for his own good. But who was he to talk? "I'm sorry."

"Me too." Justin forced a strained laugh, just to break the somber mood. It didn't work at all. "Hey man, I gotta go okay? Brit's supposed to call. And you know, with the tour and all, she'll be pissed if the line's busy."

There was silence for a moment, and Justin prayed his friend would comply. It was a lie, Britney rarely called anymore, and JC knew it. "All right. Bye J."

"Don't worry, I'll be fine. Bye Jayce." Justin clicked off the phone with shaking fingers, then let it drop out of his hands. It hit his lap and bounced to the ground.

His legs numb, he stood up and staggered to his bed. He collapsed onto it, burying his face in his sheets. If he breathed in deeply enough, he could still smell Joey on them.

Crawling up until he reached his pillows, he flipped onto his back. He stared at the ceiling. So impossibly white, just as he had wanted when he moved in. He remembered when Joey first saw it. He'd hated it at first, said that it was too clean. Then later, when they were together, he was afraid he'd mess it up and Justin would hate him. Like that would happen.

But Joey fit right in. Into the motif and its too-white for anything other than aesthetic pleasure. Because it was what Justin wanted. He was what Justin wanted.

Justin rolled onto his side, arm curling around a pillow. Joey's pillow. He stared at the space beside him, almost seeing the indent in the mattress, the soft brown hair on the pillow, the stolen sheets in a ball at the foot of the bed. Where Joey would have been, had it not been for him. Where Joey should have been, even.

His hand sprawled out on the empty space, rubbing idle circles into it. Like he would have done to Joey's back, his neck, his face.

He wouldn't admit it to anyone aloud, but he really missed Joey. Not that it was a big secret.

Justin closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears. All he seemed to do lately was cry. It was a bad idea though. Once closed his eyelids provided a movie screen for memories. His mind flashed into the nights he and Joey had spent together in this bed, doing nasty things that were oh so much fun. Then it started flashing into other times, bits and pieces of images from hotel rooms. The kinky places, like in a janitor's closet twenty minutes before an interview or in Joey's pool where any photographer could have seen, had they been in Joey's yard.

When memories of his first time hit him, the tears began to fall.

Justin and Joey slept together two weeks after their first kiss, give or take a couple days.

They were in Las Vegas with two days off between shows, and Justin couldn't have been happier. He loved Vegas, especially now that he was legal. For the first time, Justin could legally gamble. He finally fit in with the rest of the guys, no longer having to wait for them outside the red velvet ropes and stare forlornly at the craps table. Or the blackjack table, even a game of roulette would have suited him just fine.

He'd shaved his curls off a few days before, it was just as liberating, in a way. No longer having to sit for an hour while the makeup people fussed over his hair. Wearing hats just because he felt like it, not because his hair looked like crap and there were going to be cameras. Plus, every so often Joey would rub the top of his head, mumbling about liking the new feeling.

And he loved being in Vegas with Joey. Joey never gambled much because he always lost his ass, but he sat next to Justin at the blackjack table anyway. Justin didn't want to gamble alone, so he appreciated it. When Joey brushed up against him every so often as he shifted in his seat, he appreciated it even more.

The past two weeks had been weird, if not more that a little bit confusing. They'd made out, on quite a few occasions, getting hot and heavy but Joey stopped it before things could go too far. Something Justin had never expected, not from Joey. The images he'd formed during the past 6 years of what Joey would be like in a relationship were proven wrong every day. And he wasn't even sure if what they had was a relationship.

The dealer-a guy that looked only a little older than Justin himself, and definitely less attractive-wanted Joey. Justin could tell. It was starting to piss Justin off. He couldn't even say it was a drunk reaction, he'd only had one glass of whiskey in two hours. His second sat nearly full on the edge of the table. He was jealous, plain and simple.

Joey wasn't helping matters any. Every so often he would complain about having to give up more of his money, shooting the dealer a friendly grin to show that he wasn't getting belligerent. Which, in Justin's semi-buzzed mind, translated to serious flirtation.

Justin tossed down the rest of his drink then slammed the glass down on the table, turning to glare at Joey. "We're leaving."

"What?" Joey didn't budge, just glanced from the empty glass to Justin's angry face. "I thought you were going to gamble 'til dawn?"

"It's boring." Justin said, shoving the rest of his chips into his pockets. If he wanted to, he could come back tomorrow before they left. But if he had to watch Joey and the fucking dealer flirt anymore, he was going to hurl. He turned on his heel and walked out of the casino, leaving Joey gaping behind him.

Joey caught up with him before he reached the elevators, out of breath from having to run. He looked angry, but so was Justin. "What the Hell was that about?"

"Nothing." Justin hit the up arrow twice, for good measure. And then he had to wait. Damnit.

"That was not nothing." Joey hissed, but couldn't touch him. They were in public. For once Justin was thrilled about the throng of fans lurking around every corner.

The elevator doors opened and Justin ducked inside, pounding on the button that closed the door. Joey stuck his arm out before they closed completely and stepped into the elevator. Justin stared straight ahead at the numbers as they ticked by. Aware of the man beside him, but choosing to ignore him.

Joey latched onto his tricep, tugging him around. "What's the matter with you?"

Justin pinned him to the wall so quickly that it left the normally stronger man too stunned to react. Joey's eyes widened, startled. Justin grinned devilishly, eyes filled with lust. He pressed his body flush up against Joey's, pinning him in place. His lips captured the other man's in a brutal kiss.

Joey struggled against him, freeing an arm. Only to have it wrap around Justin's back a second later, holding him tightly. Justin backed off only slightly, running his hands up Joey's chest. His tongue darted out, licking at Joey's bottom lip until it parted. Their tongues met, and Justin could taste the Peppermint Schnapps Joey had been drinking. He hated the drink, but loved the after taste in Joey's mouth. Eyes closed, he pulled back to lick his lips.

Seizing the opportunity, Joey flipped them around. He pinned Justin to the wall, holding the younger man's arms above his head. Justin struggled, but Joey held fast to his wrists. A knee rubbed between Justin's legs. He let out a strangled moan when the knee rubbed against the bulge in his jeans.

"Now." He kissed the corner of Justin's mouth until it opened. Then he pulled his mouth away. "Tell me what's wrong."

Justin twisted in Joey's grip, trying to free himself, but it was useless. Joey was stronger and they both knew it. He strained his neck trying to get Joey to kiss him again. "Tell me first."

His head banged against the elevator wall. It was the one time he missed his curls, they would've cushioned the blow. "The dealer wanted you."

"So?" Joey's knee rubbed up against the bulge again, tracing a light circle.

Justin bit his lip, whispering hoarsely. "I want you."

Joey's mouth was on his again. Thank God. Justin stopped struggling, wanting it too much to pretend he didn't. Joey mumbled against his lips, "I want you too."

Then the doors opened on their floor. And it was a good thing they'd rented out the entire floor, or else things could have gotten real ugly, real fast. As it was, they were lucky no one else needed to use the elevator. Damn lucky.

Joey looped an arm around Justin's hips lazily, leading him down the hall. He stopped at his own room, pausing to look Justin in the eye. "Do you..."

"Yes." Justin could hear his heart beating wildly in his ears, sounding like a room full of drums. He suddenly felt very, very sober.

And then they were inside, the door slamming behind them. Joey pressed against him, leading him to the bed by his belt loops, pausing only to flip on the light. Mumbling things Justin couldn't fully make out, but they sounded a lot like "Want you so much", which was good enough for him.

He kicked off his shoes and fell back on the bed, landing in the soft comforter. One Joey brought with him to every hotel on the tour. It smelled like the laundry detergent and fabric softener Joey always used, it smelled like Joey. Justin breathed in as much as he could.

"It is okay if we leave the lights on?" Joey asked, his voice deepening as he continued. "I want to see all of you." Justin shivered and nodded.

He stood between Justin's legs, hands snaking under his shirt. He pulled it up slowly, leaning down to plant soft, hot kisses on each strip of skin he uncovered. Justin trembled and moaned, feeling Joey's grin against his skin.

He stretched out his arms, allowing the shirt to slide over his head. Joey sucked on the base of his neck, where it met his shoulder. There would be a mark in the morning, but he suspected that was what Joey wanted. Before he could think about it anymore, he felt Joey's fingers tugging at his belt buckle.

Joey tugged off his pants and socks, tossing them on the floor. Leaving Justin only in a pair of boxers. He paused, looking down at himself, then grinned devilishly at Justin. Justin grinned back, hoping that was enough. Joey's shirt raised, revealing a patch of pale skin. Joey's stomach wasn't as defined as Justin's, but Justin liked his more. It was normal, hot as Hell. The patch grew, revealing more and more of Joey's torso, then his chest, before Joey dropped it on the ground.

Justin held his arms out, wanting to have some part in this. He fumbled with the button on Joey's pants, fingers feeling big and useless. But finally, finally, they fell to the ground. Adding to the growing pool of clothing around Joey's feet.

Justin's breathing hitched in his throat as Joey's fingers brushed against his knee. He'd never gone this far, never been this exposed before with anyone. He was a virgin, in every sense of the word. He'd always believed in waiting for the right person. Joey turned to look at him, brown eyes dark with desire. This was the right person, right here. He looked up at Joey with huge, innocent eyes. "I-I've...I've never..."

"Shh." Joey shook his head, pressing a finger to Justin's lips. With the other hand he rubbed the top of Justin's head. "I know."

"Wait. But." Justin stammered as Joey moved him up the bed. His head landed on a pillow with a soft thud. "How?"

"Not like it's some big secret." Joey whispered into his ear, nipping at his earlobe. "Do you want this?"

Justin nodded, turning his head slightly to look Joey in the eye. He wanted this. So much that it hurt to even think about it.

Joey propped his head up on one hand, his other resting on Justin's heaving chest. He felt Justin's rapid heartbeat and smiled. His eyes never left Justin's as his hand slowly slid down, tracing over his abs, then stopped at the trail of dark hair just under his belly button. His fingers traced the elastic band of Justin's boxers, eyes searching for assurance. Justin knew that after he had it, there would be no turning back. He nodded again, breathing deeply, trying to calm himself down.

The boxers landed across the room. Joey tossed them away behind him and they landed on his TV. Justin shivered, blushing, uncertain. Joey mumbled an approval, his lips already grazing Justin's abs, then his hip. On their way down.

They grazed the inside of his thigh, Joey's hair brushing against the underside of his erection, and Justin gasped. His eyelids fluttered closed as Joey's beard scratched sensitive skin. Joey mumbled unrecognizable words against Justin's skin, kissing and caressing his thighs before moving on.

Justin fisted the comforter when Joey's mouth covered the head of his cock, his tongue flicking over the slit. Exquisite heat engulfing him, tasting him, torturing him. He arched his back, trying to get deeper. Joey chuckled, and it reverberated throughout his entire body. His hips bucked. His breathing became erratic, he was nearing the edge already. Joey knew it too and increased the suction, the heat.

He came hard and fast, choking out Joey's name. Joey took all of him, holding his thrusting hips down with his hands. He crawled back up the bed, snaking his arm around Justin's neck, kissing his temple as Justin's breathing slowly began to even out.

"That was...wow." Justin opened his eyes, bright and slightly glazed over from release. "I didn't want to...yet. Wanted to wait for you."

Joey kissed his cheek, laughing softly. "We have time, no rush. Are you complaining?"

"No!" Justin shook his head. Coherent sentences seemed to find him again. "That was...damn." Okay, maybe not.

"Glad you liked it." Joey smiled, idly scratching his stomach. Justin hesitated, then took the opportunity to tug his boxers down. Joey froze.

Never in his life had Justin expected Joey, Joey Fatone, to be self conscious. But he was, his face suddenly clouding over in worry, his eyes filling with anxiety. He was nervous, afraid Justin wouldn't find him attractive. Like that would happen. Justin kissed him, open mouthed, murmuring the words "sexy" and "so hot", until Joey relaxed.

He tasted the skin on Joey neck- it tasted like salt and sweat and Joey - still murmuring words. More for himself than for Joey anymore. He licked under Joey's navel, smiling triumphantly when Joey shuddered. Score one for the novice. He moved downward, tentatively licking the head of Joey's cock. Deciding that it wasn't half as bad as he expected, he took the whole head into his mouth.

Joey put a shaking hand on his shoulder, reluctantly pushing him away. "No, Justin."

Justin felt like a young child that had been reprimanded. His face fell. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Joey pulled him up, kissing his forehead. He picked up one of Justin's hands, linking their fingers together. "But you're not ready for that yet."

He suddenly felt indignant, a faint effect of the alcohol. "How the Hell do you know?"

"I just do. Soon, I promise. Just not now." Joey quieted him with a look, squeezing his hand.. He snuffled into the pillow instead. "I don't want to come yet."

"Why not?" Then Justin understood. "Oh."

Uncertain Joey returned. "I mean...if you want to. If this is as far as you want to go, that's okay too. I just...assumed."

"I want more." Justin hated uncertain Joey, vehemently. He brought their intertwined hands up to his lips, kissing each of Joey's fingers. "I want you in me."

Joey took his time, working his way down like before. Giving each spot on Justin's body attention until Justin was hard as a rock again and desperate for the touch. His touch. Joey's touch. Joey.

He reached an arm over Justin's head, grabbing a tube of lube. Justin watched in silence as Joey drizzled an immense amount onto his finger tips. It was time.

Justin's eyes squeezed shut when the tip of Joey's finger breached him, he hissed in pain. Joey stopped, murmuring encouraging words and waiting until Justin relaxed until pushing in a little more. He paused again, letting Justin get used to it, then pushed in farther. After awhile, Joey added another finger, following the same pattern. It didn't necessarily hurt as much as sting. His tattoos had hurt a hundred times more than this. But this, this was different.

When Joey hit his sweet spot, Justin cried out and arched his back. "Oh My God"

"It gets better J, trust me." And Joey hit it again. And again. Until Justin was a quivering mass of nerves beneath him, panting his name.

Justin pried his eyelids open and looked down at Joey, nestled between his thighs. His eyes were bright, shining, desperate. "Please. Now. Please."

Joey reached over him again, fumbling for a condom. Justin's head fell back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling. His fingers disappeared, replaced a second later with something much blunter. Joey positioned himself above Justin, arms on either side of Justin's head.

Justin's lips parted slightly, whimpering as the head of Joey's cock slid inside him. His eyes clamped shut, tears threatening to spill. Joey grunted, loving the tight, hot feeling. Justin felt like he was being ripped in two.

Joey stopped, leaning down to kiss Justin's open lips. His tongue slid inside, licking at Justin's teeth. "Open your eyes."

Justin obeyed, slowly opening his eyes. Joey stared down at him – Justin’s breath hitched - lovingly. Brown burning into blue, questioning. "Do you want to stop?"

"No." He managed to croak out. Joey’s thumb brushed against his temple. The pain was beginning to subside, finally. He relaxed.

Joey slid in all the way, stopping again to wait for Justin to adjust. It still hurt, but definitely not as much. Justin reached up to caress Joey's cheek, damp with sweat. Then he ran his hands down Joey's arms, shaking as Joey kept control of himself. Joey was trying, so hard, for him.

The pain began to disappear, replaced with pleasure. When Justin nodded, Joey pulled out of him, then slowly pushed back in.

"Holy shit." Justin wrapped his legs around Joey's back, pulling him in deeper. "That felt good."

Joey smiled, nodding, continuing his pace until he found a rhythm. Justin arched again as Joey hit the spot over and over. His hands gripped Joey's shoulders for support.

He could feel Joey in him. All over him, becoming a part of him. Deeper and deeper, so impossibly deep. It was the most intense thing he'd ever experienced. Ever.

He raked his fingers across Joey's back, crying out his name before release hit him hard for the second time that night.

When he didn't think it could get any better, it did. Joey's pace quickened, his breathing becoming labored, sweat beading on his brow. And then, he collapsed, burying his head in Justin's neck as he came. He lay on top of Justin, trying to catch his breath. Justin wrapped his arms around Joey's sweaty back, not minding the extra weight on him at all, just wanting to feel Joey.

"I love you." Justin breathed as he spiraled down from his climax, his heart still racing. He meant it, had meant it for years.

And, in the back of his mind, he thought he heard Joey's hush voice against his neck. "I love you too."

Justin thought that, for his first time, he'd gotten really lucky. No pun intended.

That had been the first of many, many great nights together. They had their own buses now, no more sharing, so it was quite common for Justin to sneak onto Joey's bus and spend the night, or vice versa. They could be as loud as they wanted, and nobody cared. Except the bus drivers, but they got used to it rather quickly. By the time the tour was over, they'd gotten used to driving with the radio turned up.

Justin dragged himself out of bed, cheeks wet. Wet spots dotted his pillows, he stripped the pillow cases and tossed them into the hamper. Then, as an after thought, he stripped the entire bed. Joey's smell couldn't last through that many washings.

He carried the hamper down to the first floor, plopping it down next to the washing machine. Screw every damn person who thought that Justin Timberlake didn't know how to do his own laundry. Not like he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He tossed the pillowcases and sheets into the washer, pouring in a scoop full of detergent and slamming the top back down. He set the washer for 12 minutes, then made his way into the kitchen.

The refrigerator was empty, he'd invited people over the night before to help him clear it out. He was leaving soon, and didn't want his refrigerator to smell like spoiled food when he got back. Now it was bare, except for a case of Budweiser and a jar of pickles. Good enough. He popped open a beer, reaching in to grab the pickles. The jar was a pain in the ass, someone had closed it too tightly. Then it hit him, Joey must have closed it last. He'd always underestimated his own strength, accidentally breaking fragile things....closing jars too tight for anyone but him to open.

The jar slipped out of his hands, shattering on the floor. Glass and pickle juice splattered everywhere, dousing his shirt. Great, now he smelled like pickles.

"Fuck." He swore, cautiously stepping over the glass shards and pickles to get the broom.

His phone - on the other side of the glass and pickles, where he'd just come from - chose that exact moment to ring. Justin growled, slamming the broom into the wall. Shaking his head, he decided to use the one in the laundry room.

He grabbed the cordless and walked back into the kitchen. Picking up the broom, he propped the phone up on his shoulder and hit talk. "Hello?"

"Hey!" Lance greeted him. He was in Russia, training to go into space. Justin missed him terribly, though he'd never admit it. Regardless of their differences, he and Lance were close, and he missed one of his best friends. "What's up?"

"Hey man!" Justin swept up the shards of glass, leaning down to catch them in the dust pan. "I'm just cleaning up a spill. You?"

"Oh, you know. Did zero gravity for the first time today," Lance tried to be nonchalant, but his voice gave away his excitement. "Same old, same old."

"That is so awesome." Justin grinned, tossing the glass and pickles into the garbage. "How was it?"

"Amazing." Lance was happy, Justin could tell. It made him kind of happy too. "This all feels like a dream."

"Dude, you're going to space." Justin grabbed the mop, sopping up some of the pickle juice. The mop started turning green. "That is so nasty."

"What?" Lance asked, confused.

"Sorry, mopping up pickle juice." He crouched under the sink, grabbing a bucket. He set it under the faucet, filling it with water then pouring in some Pledge.

He could just see Lance quirking an eyebrow. "Dare I ask why?"

"Dropped the jar, it broke." Justin explained, plunging the mop into the soapy water. "My kitchen smells like pickles."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Lance chuckled deeply, and Justin found himself laughing as well.

When the floor was clean and the kitchen smelled like pine instead of pickles, Justin put the mop down. He took a sip on his beer, jumping up to sit on the counter. Lance told him about his space training. Justin gave as much feedback as possible without sounding like he was just humoring him. Lance had a tendency to jump to that conclusion.

"So, you're going on that trip, right?" Lance changed the subject suddenly. "To L.A?"

Justin nodded, before realizing that the other man couldn't see him. "Yeah, I leave tomorrow."

"Wow, that's soon." Lance paused, saying something in Russian that was not directed at Justin. "Sorry, had to say bye to one of my friends."

"It's all good." Justin kicked his heel against his cabinets.

"I talked to Joey." Lance said randomly. That was Lance's away of approaching difficult subjects, right out of left field. "He told me what happened."

"Oh." His legs stopped kicking. "Yeah. That."

"Yes, that." Lance's voice turned sharp. JC was one thing, Lance was an entirely different situation. Lance and Justin were friends, but Lance and Joey were the very best of friends. It amazed Justin that Lance was talking to him. "I can't believe you, Justin...Justin?"

Yeah, he was in for it now. Lance had small talked, gotten to this point, and now he was going to let Justin have it. "I'm sorry."

"Joey's torn up about this." Lance said fiercely. "All of it. Still, he doesn't understand why you broke it off. Nobody does, actually."

"I had to!" Justin snapped, jumping down from the counter. "It was time for it to end."

"No, it wasn't." Angry Lance surfaced, and if Justin wasn't pissed, he'd be afraid. "You're just a scared little spoiled fucking brat."

"Shut up." Justin whispered dangerously. "Fuck you, Bass."

Lance was silent, but Justin could hear him breathing. Counting to ten. "Justin, I'm sorry. It's just...he's really hurt right now. He misses you."

"He misses the sex." It was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Lance made a startled sound. His response came out in a ferocious whisper. "You're a bastard. Joey's an idiot for ever loving you."

Then the phone went dead.

The cordless shattered when it hit the wall, leaving a mark in the wallpaper. Another mess he'd have to clean up.

He sank to the ground, gripping his head in his hands. His heart hurt, felt like it was being ripped from his chest. He wondered, briefly, if this was how Joey felt.

Lance was right.

Justin had been in love with Joey from the beginning. They were in Germany, practicing to be future pop stars. Back when they were all blind and too damn trusting for their own good, but everyone picked on Justin for being the youngest. In reality, all of them were too young to know what would happen to them in a few years.

Except Joey. Joey never made fun of his age. Maybe because, at times, he could be immature and act the 14 that Justin was. In return, Justin never made fun of Joey. At least, not too much. Their jokes were for the reporters, they stopped when the camera stopped rolling. It was an unspoken pact the two had made from the beginning.

When the others inadvertently hurt him, he could always go to Joey for comfort. He would crawl into Joey's bunk, press his head against Joey's stomach, and Joey would hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right. Then the next morning Joey would corner Chris, or JC, or even Lance in the hall, and tell them to lay off.

He thought at first that he fell in love with Joey because he was just there. Because they were all stranded together in a new place, and he was homesick. Joey reminded him of home, and thus, he loved Joey.

But when they returned to the states, returned home to family and friends and concerts full of people who spoke his language, he was still in love. So he'd thought that if he gave it time, the feeling would go away.

But it remained, even intensified. As Justin grew older and their careers took off. During the lawsuit, when they'd needed so badly to support each other that there was no room for playing favorites. After, when they formed their own tight-knit circle that no one else could break in to. When No Strings Attached broke the record books, the lawsuits after, the circle being tested but never breaking.

By the time they released Celebrity, Justin had come to terms with the fact that this feeling wasn't going away. He was in love with Joey, and Joey was completely oblivious. And it would stay that way, if his brain had anything to do with it.

Justin liked to think that he was just that good of an actor. He'd never been caught looking at Joey, and never let it slip to anybody. He told his mother, because he told her everything and she deserved to know. But no one else. Well, he told Britney. As his girlfriend, she deserved to know that he was in love with his bandmate. All things considered, she'd taken it beautifully. Even supported him, agreeing to keep up appearances afterward. They went right on being the star couple they always were, while Justin pined away for Joey.

It really was pining, sadly. He spent entire rehearsals watching Joey dance. Noting the way his body moved with so much fluidity that Justin had to bite his lip. He threw in constructive criticism, making everyone else believe that he was just trying to help.

Justin loved everything about Joey. His smile, his laugh, even his stupid jokes. The man was walking hotness, in Justin's eyes. Of course, in Justin's eyes, Joey could do no wrong.

And he still felt the same way.

But he had to end it, before it went too far. Before things got out of hand. While he still had a shred of independence in him. Before he lost his heart too much.

His reasoning had one major flaw. Joey already owned his heart, so he had nothing to lose.

Justin officially came out of 'the closet' the morning after his first time. He sat in Joey's lap during breakfast, too sore from the previous night to sit on his own chair. He'd protested at first, swearing up and down that he was too big for sitting in anyone's lap. But Joey just shook his head and pulled Justin down, rubbing the top of his head. He threaded his arms around Justin's torso, pressing kisses into the back of Justin's neck. Justin occasionally passed food back to him, reveling in the way Joey would kiss his fingers.

"So, guys." He munched on a piece of toast. "I'm gay." Joey tensed behind him.

Chris looked up from his paper long enough to roll his eyes at the pair, then returned to the sports section. "No shit."

"You know, we heard you last night." Lance sipped on a cup of coffee, desperately trying to stay awake. "I hate both of you."

"Sorry Scoop." There wasn't even a hint of remorse in Joey's voice. "I just...couldn't keep my hands off of him."

Justin blushed into his coffee. This was not what he'd expected at all. He'd fully expected to wake up alone that morning, hurting on the inside and out. But he hadn't. He awoke with Joey wrapped around him, snoring softly and holding onto him. He hoped, hoped, that it meant something.

"What about you Joe? Gay? Straight? " JC asked, and Justin seriously considered hitting him. How dare he ruin Justin's moment of perfection?

"You know I hate labels, man." Joey picked up Justin's cup and took a sip. He made a face and set it back down. "I'm bi, happy now?"

"Yeah." JC smiled at him, reaching across the table to pat his hand. "Me too." Justin dropped his toast.

"Well, Lance, " Chris closed his paper. Nothing seemed to shake him. "It looks like me and you are the only totally straight boys left."

Lance quirked an eyebrow at him. Chris's jaw dropped. Well, that worked.

"Nevermind." He muttered, gulping down the rest of his orange juice and standing up. "I'm going back to bed now."

Joey let out a roar of laughter right in Justin's ear. He flinched, then stared at Lance until he spoke. "Straight, really. Just felt like making Chris have an identity crisis."

"You're evil." JC dissolved into his quiet laughter, hair flopping into his eyes. Justin succumbed, pressing against Joey as he laughed. "And you two are so cute."

"Thanks." Joey grinned, squeezing Justin's sides lightly.

Justin turned his head, kissing the tip of Joey's nose.

Lance pretended to gag on his bagel. "You guys sicken me, really. Too damn sweet." He stood up, putting the bagel in his pocket. He took one last sip of coffee, then smiled to show that his last comment was a joke. "I have to go over the schedule with Johnny. Later."

"Bye." JC called over his shoulder. He leaned forward, putting his chin on his hands, staring at Justin and Joey. "Are you two like, boyfriends now?"

What was it with JC and bad question's this morning? Justin felt a knot of fear forming in his stomach. He opened his mouth to reply, then closed it.

"Yeah." Joey nodded against his shoulder. "We are."

"Good." JC grinned at them and popped a piece of sausage into his mouth. "I'm gonna go knock on Chris's door for awhile, just to wake him up."

"You do that." Joey pressed his lips to the sensitive spot right behind Justin's earlobe. Justin shuddered, closing his eyes.

"Bye Jayce." He managed to squeak out. He could hear JC laughing at him as he walked out.

"So..." Joey mumbled into his ear. "What's wrong J?"

"What? Nothing." Justin replied, shifting a little. He cringed, the pain shooting throughout his body. "Hurt."

Joey rubbed Justin's stomach and pressed a kiss into his neck. "I'm sorry, baby."

Justin's eyes flew open. Did Joey just call him baby? No way. He bit his lip. "Joe, are we dating now?"

Joey looked startled. His brow furrowed. He pushed the chair away from the table with his feet, standing up and pulling Justin with him. "I thought we were."

"You did?" This just was not making any sense at all. He was supposed to be the one who was all happy, beamy, lovey-dovey. Not Joey. Joey was supposed to be his usual happy-go-lucky, indifferent Joey self. "You did?"

Joey's face darkened. He breathed in sharply. "I thought, you know, last night..."

"It was really...good." Justin forced out the last word. Good didn't even begin to describe it. Incredible, awesome, amazing maybe. But not Good.

"It was." Joey nodded, his eyes downcast. Justin could sense the return of Uncertain Joey. "Listen, I just thought you should know. I've had this, well, crush. On you. For awhile."

"Really?" Justin was floored. No way. No fucking way. He'd spent the last 6 years pining after a guy that had a crush on him? That just did not happen. Only in really, really bad movies.

"Really." Joey kicked the leg of the table with his toe. "So, last night, it was...wow. I mean, I know I'm not the hottest guy in the world, but you made me feel like it..."

"You are!" Justin blurted out. Joey looked up at him, eyes wavering. Complete role reversal. "I don't believe this."

"Listen, I'm sorry." Joey sighed, plopping back down in his chair.

"I don't fucking believe this." Justin ran a hand over his face, then up over the soft hairs still left on his head. "I told you last night, I love you."

"You were drunk. I shouldn't have let it go that far. I just...really wanted it-you." Joey buried his head in his hands. "I thought maybe...but I guess I was wrong."

"Would you shut the fuck up and listen to me?" He attempted to sit down across from Joey, hissing in pain when his behind touched the seat. He stood instead, placing a hand on Joey's shoulder. "I wasn't drunk. Dude. I love you. Have for like, ever."

Joey shook his head from behind his hands. "Don't Justin, just don't."

Justin's grip tightened. "I think you're hot. I want your body, I want you. Bad. Please Joey, let me write a song about you. You know, like what JC does. I'm thinkin' Digital Getdown 2. Or how about Fatone Against The Wall ? Cuz you know, last night, I had you up against the wall. Damn, we shoulda had a disco ball. "

Joey's shoulders started quaking. Justin continued. "I mean, just think. You can tell everybody that that hottie Justin Timberlake had a crush on you for years. I'm fairly certain that a mass amount of pre-teen girls would be jealous."

Justin waited, hearing Joey's soft laugh. "And you know what else? I may even put out. If you're lucky. I'm experienced now. This hot guy that I'm in love with, he was just incredible in bed. No pressure though, cuz that can cause impotency. And we don't want that."

Laughing loudly now, Joey pulled Justin into his lap, lowering him down gently. Justin flinched on contact. "You're too much J. I love you. A lot."

"It's about damn time you said that, Joey." Justin kissed him, hard and deep. "I've only been waiting for years."

"Yeah well, same here." Joey countered. "We're really fucking blind."

"I like to think of it as us being really good actors." Justin smiled into their kiss.

Joey's hands came up, running across Justin's head. He made an odd sound, his fingers massaging Justin's scalp.

"What's up with you and my head, man?" Justin had to ask.

"It feels really cool." Joey admitted, pulling his hands away. "I've been waiting to do that -like this- since you shaved it last time."

"Well then," Justin grabbed his wrists, placing the hands back on his head. "Rub away, rub away."

And that was how they became a couple.

It was only a matter of time before Chris would put his two cents in about the break up. Justin had expected him to be the first to say something. Whenever something happened within the group, Chris was always the first to know. He never lacked a comment on the subject either.

But Chris had waited, which meant that he was taking the time to choose his words. Justin was scared shitless. Chris was a force to be reckoned with, especially when his friends - no, brothers - were hurting. Part of Justin thought that maybe he should fear for his life.

Justin was in L.A. In the studio and writing by day, taking in the NBA finals and partying by night. There was always a party to go to, somewhere. When there wasn't, he threw his own, or went clubbing. Or he just drove around town, not wanting to go home. Anything to pass the time. The less time he had to spend alone in bed, the better.

Chris appeared in the studio one day, cracking jokes with The Neptunes and fiddling with the production board. Justin pulled his baseball cap lower. His sunglasses covered bloodshot eyes, left over from another night of partying and crying.

"Look who it is, Justin has decided to grace us with his presence." Chad gave him away. The man sat back in his chair, casting a glance at Chris. "Are you up for singing today? We've got to finish up this track. "

"I'm fine." Justin growled, his voice gravelly. He walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. "Just need a pick me up."

He could feel Chris's eyes on him, watching his every move. It was rather unsettling. "Hey J."

"Hey man, how are you?" Justin did he best to be cheerful. He scratched his chin, desperately in need of a shave. "When did you get in town?"

"I'm good." But you're not, he could almost hear Chris thinking. "Last night. Have to get some stuff done for Fuman, thought I'd stop by and see what you're up to."

"You know me, I'm just chillin'." Justin forced a grin. He sat down in the chair next to Chris. "I think C is in town too, you should go see him."

"I will, later. We made plans for dinner." Chris replied. "You can come too, if you want."

"Nah man, I'm busy." Justin lied. He knew what would happen if he went out with the two of them right now. "Sorry."

"It's all good." Chris shifted toward him, his eyes serious. "You and I are going out to lunch later."

"I can't." Justin glanced over at Chad and Pharrell. "I have to get this track done."

"It can wait." Chris said, and Justin knew he meant business. "They gave me permission to kidnap you."

He glared at the other two men. Chad shrugged, turning to Pharrell and whispering something. "Fine."

Chris pushed himself out of the seat. "Pick you up at 1."

Justin tipped his head back, groaning. "See you then."

They spent their one month anniversary in Chicago. It had been one month since that night in Washington, since their first kiss. Two weeks after their first time. Justin found himself wondering beforehand if Joey would ever remember. Or care. Justin could be such a girl sometimes, hanging onto little dates, but Joey didn't seem like the type of boyfriend who did that.

He still couldn't fully believe Joey loved him. It was a hard concept to grasp. Only in his wildest dreams had he ever imagined Joey loving him back. Joey Fatone didn't fall in love, especially not with another man. Especially not with Justin Timberlake. They were just too...different. It was unheard of.

Joey proved him right that morning. Like always, Justin had woken up first, a sleep-heavy arm slung around his waist, his head resting on Joey's chest. He unwrapped himself from the embrace, yawning and stretching his arms. Joey made a pitiful noise before burrowing into the covers. "Go back to sleep."

Justin ruffled his hair and smiled. "We can't Joe, wake up."

"No." Joey kept his eyes closed, pouting. He reached out and pulled Justin close. "Back to sleep."

"It's time to get up." Justin's lips smacked against Joey's cheek. "Wake up, baby."

Joey grunted, but his eyes slowly began opening. He yawned and it turned into a sigh. "Okay, okay, I'm up."

"Good." Justin rolled away, off the bed. He started for the bathroom, feeling Joey watching his every move. He was naked, but he was used to that by now. There was no room for embarrassment, not when Joey had seen every part of him. "I'm taking a shower."

"Okay." He heard Joey murmur. The man would be asleep before Justin even turned on the shower. "Baby?"

Justin turned around, his heart beating faster. He's going to say it, he's going to say it. Happy Anniversary.

"What time's breakfast?" Justin's heart fell. He tried not to let the disappointment show.

"Ten." He disappeared into the bathroom without another word.

The rest of the day went by in a sad blur. Justin was upset that Joey had forgotten, angry with himself for caring about an insignificant date so much. No one else seemed to be any better. They were all still grieving the loss of Busta, and Chris, understandably, still walked around looking like he'd just lost his best friend. Joey did his best to comfort his friend, spending the entire day by his side. Justin found himself feeling a little jealous of Chris.

Justin pulled it together for the show, not letting his affect his performance. It wasn't the end of the world, and he wasn't going to treat it like it was. Joey had forgotten their one month anniversary, not their one year anniversary. With all the other dates Joey had to remember, a stupid little one month anniversary could easily slip by.

That didn't make it hurt any less, though, Justin thought as he trudged up the stairs of his bus. They were driving to New York tonight, and Justin welcomed the time alone. Without Joey. It gave him time to think. He could write, if he wanted, because there'd be no pesky boyfriend to distract him. It gave him time to be alone. In his big, empty bus. Without Joey. This was going to be a long night. Maybe if he went to bed early, it wouldn't seem so bad.

The bus jumped to a start, lurching Justin down the hall. He staggered the rest of the way to his bedroom at the back of the bus. That was one of the good things about not having to share a bus. Instead of bunks, he got a big, comfy king size bed to sleep. Alone.

"I don't remember closing the door." He muttered. But it had been a day since he'd slept in it, so he might have. Or Joey had, before they got off. He pushed the door open.

Justin's jaw dropped. Atop his white bedspread sat a bouquet of roses, arranged into a heart. A card in the middle.

Happy Anniversary. Scrawled in Joey's bad handwriting. Love, Joey.

He didn't forget!!! The words echoed through Justin's brain like a mantra.

A light tap on his shoulder, Justin turned. Joey stood in front of him, leaning against the door frame, eyes soft and warm. "Surprised?"

Justin wrapped his arms around Joey's neck, pulling him into a kiss. "You're amazing. I love you"

"Why, thank you." Joey chuckled, kissing Justin back. "What, did you think I forgot?"

"Yes." Justin said quietly, his cheeks flushing.

Joey shook his head, lips pressing against Justin's earlobe. "I've been planning this for a week."

"Planning what? Flowers?" Justin leered at him. "Joe, 1-800-Flowers could do that in 24 hours."

"There's more..." Joey trailed off, and Justin swore he started blushing.

"What is it?" Justin asked, bringing a hand up to Joey's cheek.

"I want you in me." Joey's voice was barely above a whisper.

Justin blinked. He hadn't heard right. Joey had always been the one on top, the one in control. Justin hadn't minded, not really. It felt good. At first, he'd wondered, but now, two weeks into it, he figured that Joey just liked being on top and he could handle that.

Joey stroked Justin's side. He said it again, just to make sure Justin had heard. "I want you in me, J."

Later, when Joey's head was pressed against the headboard while Justin went down on him - something he'd only done twice before, but the way Joey's hips bucked was enough to know he was doing it right - he dropped a bombshell. Justin could feel him edging closer to climax, heard the short wispy breaths.

And then Joey's big hands were on his shoulders, gently pushing him away. "Wait, wait."

Not releasing Joey's cock, Justin looked up. Clear blue meeting chocolate brown as usual, but something was a bit off. Instead of the usual dark desire Justin craved, Joey's eyes were wide and glazed. Afraid, petrified even. He drew back quickly, worried. "What is it?"

"I just..." Joey's breath hitched, and Justin slithered back up his body, laying down next to him. "I've never done this before."

Woah. Quite possibly the last thing he'd expected Joey to say. Justin resisted the urge to gape. "You-you haven't?"

"I've never." Joey shook his head, cheeks pink with embarrassment. "Always topped. I'm...a virgin at this."

Something in Justin's heart swelled, and he broke into a gentle grin. "And you're letting me...?"

"Yeah." Joey admitted, his eyes sparking. "I am."

"Thank you." Justin kissed him, lips dragging across Joey's bottom lip. "For telling me, letting me."

Joey kissed him back, running a hand down the expanse of Justin's spine. "I love you, J."

"I love you too, Joe." Justin cupped Joey's cheek in his palm, looking him in the eye. "I'll make it good, I promise."

And later, after Joey cried out with release, Justin collapsed onto him, knowing that he'd done just that.

Justin sat poised behind the production board, listening to his own voice in the speakers. When he hit a rough spot in the song, he cringed and began fiddling with buttons. He sounded horrible, and he knew it. Not even modern technology could help him.

"Hey, why don't you call it quits for now. " Pharrell gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. Justin considered punching him. "It's one, Chris will be here any minute."

"Oh well." Justin stayed focused on his voice. "I'll just cancel."

"You will not." The sound of Chris's voice in the doorway made Justin jump. "It's time to go."

"Dude, I'm busy." Justin leaned forward in his chair, trying to look busy.. "Maybe some other time."

"Or maybe now." Chris wasn't going to take no for an answer. Justin shook his head, then wound up with a face full of his jacket. "Let's go J."

Justin slid his arms into the sleeves. He tried to protest again. "But..."

"Shut the fuck up." Chris snapped, and Justin could see the shock on the faces of the other two men in the room. "I said, let's go."

"Alright." Justin sighed in defeat. He nodded a good by at Chad and Pharrell, then followed Chris out the door.

They had Taco Bell for lunch. It was crazy, Justin thought, to eat lousy imitation Mexican food instead of going to one of L.A.'s many fine restaurants. But Chris insisted, calling Justin a "spoiled fucking popstar" and pointing out that he, the driver, would decide where they ate. Justin, too offended by the popstar comment to put up a fight, complied instantaneously.

Eating in the restaurant was too public for them without security, so they went through the drive-thru. Chris shoved his change into his pocket and handed the food bag over to Justin. "Lemme find a place to park."

He parked next to a nearby park, underneath a batch of trees. The shade made it almost impossible for anyone to see them from a distance. Justin dug through the bag, handing Chris his food and setting his own down in his lap. He silently braced himself for the worst.

Chris was silent as he unwrapped his Taco Supreme. Justin took the opportunity to shove as much of his Chalupa into his mouth as possible.

"So," Chris said, his mouth full. It was disgusting, but definitely not unusual of him at all. "Talk."

Justin shook his head, motioning toward his full mouth. Someone had to have manners around here, and it might as well be him. It came in handy.

"Then finish first," Chris said as Justin took another big bite. "I've got all day."

Justin swallowed. "I gotta be back soon."

"No, you don't." Chris replied, taking a drink of his soda. "It can wait."

"Dude, I can't do that." Justin scoffed. "I've got obligations."

"You've got obligations here too." Chris balled up his wrapper and tossed it into the bag. "To the group. To your best friends. To Joey."

Justin paused, his Chalupa stopped in mid air. He set it back down on his lap. "Chris, man, please."

"I'm not here to preach." Chris swished the ice around in his cup. "I just want to see how you're doing."

"I'm fine." Justin forced a smile. "Great, even."

"Right." Chris didn't believe him for a second. Hell, he didn't believe himself. "How are you doing, really?" No use bullshitting Chris.

"I miss him, a lot." He threw the rest of his food back in the bag, his appetite gone. "But I had to do it."

Chris nodded solemnly. Justin looked at him, waiting for a response. Nothing. "You understand?"

"I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do." Chris said, and that was that.

Justin remembered why he and Chris were close in the first place. Chris wasn't going to call him a bastard. He wasn't going to hang up on him. He wasn't going to tear up. Chris didn't do sympathy, he did the facts. Justin appreciated it.

For the first time, he suddenly felt like talking. "It was time, you know?"

He knew Chris would understand that part of it. He'd broken up with Dani for the same reason. He loved her, but it had to end. Just like he loved Joey. Three months and three years were different, he knew that. Chris didn't say anything, so Justin continued.

"Just seemed like things were starting to go bad," Justin said, looking down at his lap. "Like maybe he didn't want me anymore."

"How so?" The question wasn't meant to be prodding, Chris just wanted a little clarification.

"He started treating me like I was a chore, not anything special." Justin cleared his throat. "I know that sounds shitty, but seriously. But I really didn't feel like he loved me anymore."

"That doesn't sound shitty." Chris said, and Justin didn't really believe him. Didn't really believe himself.

He gave him a small, grateful smile anyway. "The relationship wasn't turning out like I thought it would. It just wasn't what I thought it would be."

"Things rarely ever turn out the way you expect." Chris said when Justin didn't know what else to say.

That was true, but still. "I got scared. Started thinking maybe we shouldn't be together. It would hurt less in the long run. So I fucked everything up."

"Does it?"

"Does it what?" Justin asked, confused.

"Does it hurt less?" Chris questioned.

Justin shook his head. "No." He whispered.

"You know, J." Chris said slowly, bemused. "I shouldn't say this, it's not my place, but he won't tell you, so oh well. Joey loved you, hard, for a long time. Before you two did anything. Back before it was legal, even. He felt like a dirty bastard, but he loved you."

"Is this supposed to make me feel any better?" Justin choked out. "'Cause it really doesn't."

"I just think you need to be informed, just in case you didn't know. Did you?" Justin shook his head again. "Then shut up and listen."

Chris shifted in his seat so that he was facing Justin. "Joey, man, I've never seen him happier than when you two were together. Maybe when Bri was born, but that's it. Not even when we won the lawsuit and he bought his parents that house."

Justin laughed softly, lost in the memory. That was one of his best Joey memories.

"Joe was just as afraid as you were though, " Chris continued. "Afraid you would change your mind, turn him away one day. Decide you didn't love him anymore and just leave, or worse."

"Which I did." Chris didn't need to say it, Justin knew it was implied.

"I told him he was being an idiot." Chris went on like he hadn't heard. "That his worrying would fuck him over one day. I think it did."

Justin was confused. "If he was so afraid, why'd he get distant?"

"Can't tell you why, kid." Chris sounded sorry. "I can just tell you what I know. You know, he would have stuck it out. Even after you...he would have tried to move past it. Make it work out. He loved you that much."

Justin sighed in frustration, wishing his curls were thick enough to tug at. He curled his fingers into fists instead. "This doesn't make sense."

"Love never does, J. Love never does."

The relationship grew strained as the tour ended. Kisses and caresses that were new and exciting in the beginning gradually became routine. It was nothing out of the ordinary for Justin to sidle up beside Joey backstage, lips brushing his shoulder. Joey would acknowledge him, then go back to whatever he was doing at the time. And Justin would act like it didn't hurt half as much as it did.

By the time the tour finished, they'd fallen into a slump. They didn't fight, hadn't had a major fight at all in fact, and Justin found himself wondering if maybe they needed one. They needed something, that was for sure. And if a fight lit the fire beneath them again, he'd do it.

He thought he'd give it a try one night, while watching Training Day on Justin's couch. His head in Joey's lap, Joey's fingers were playing with the little curls growing back on his head. Other than that, Joey's attention was completely on the movie.

It was almost over, and Justin had already seen it a million times before. He loved the movie, that was why Joey suggested they watch it. Justin turned his head, looking up at his boyfriend. "Joey."

"Shh." Joey's finger slipped over Justin's lips. "Denzel's going apeshit. It's a good part."

"Dude, you've seen it before." Justin reached over and grabbed the remote off the table. He hit stop on the DVD player.

"Hey!" Joey wrenched it out of Justin's hands, hitting play. "Just let it finish."

Justin sat up quickly, scooting to the other end of the couch. "Fine."

Joey looked down at the remote and sighed. He clicked it off. "What?"

"Nothing." Justin crossed his arms over his chest. "Nothing at all."

"Will you stop acting like a girl?" Joey said, irritated. "Just tell me what's the problem this time?"

"Excuse me?" Justin glared at him. "Is that all I am to you, a problem?"

"I didn't say that." Joey replied, shaking his head. "Don't put words in my mouth."

"You didn't have to say it." Justin knew he was being pissy, but if it worked... "You were thinking it."

"Oh, I was not." Joey rolled his eyes. "Stop it."

"Stop what?" Justin shrugged.

"Okay, we'll play it your way." Joey sank back into the couch. "Whatever." He hit play.

Justin looked over at him, hoping to see some kind of reaction. Instead, Joey was engrossed in the movie again, not showing any signs of anger. Or anything else for that matter. Time to kick it up a notch. "This movie's stupid."

"It's your favorite movie." Joey said, not taking his eyes away from the screen. "Stop it."

"Well, feelings change. You should know all about that." He emphasized the last sentence.

"What?" Joey shot him a confused look.

Finally, some sort of reaction. "You heard me."

"That's it." Joey slammed the remote down on the table. "What the fuck's wrong Justin?"

"You tell me." Justin responded, raising his voice.

"If I knew, we wouldn't be having this conversation, would we? " Joey said pointedly. "Why don't you just tell me."

Justin decided to start with a sensitive spot. "Well, maybe if you had half a brain, you could figure it out."

"So now I'm stupid?" Joey's face turned red. Justin almost wished he hadn't said it. "At least I'm not a prissy brat."

Things were getting out of hand now. "No, just a fat idiot." Oh shit.

A wave of hurt flashed over Joey's face, he breathed in sharply. Justin had crossed a line, and wished he could take it back.

Joey stood up silently, walking past Justin. Over to his coat. Justin grabbed onto his wrist. Joey shook him off. He slid his arms into his coat, eyes down cast. Then he headed for the door. Justin had attacked an issue he knew Joey still battled with. Had done so viciously, trying to hurt. And succeeded.

Justin scrambled to his feet, arriving at the door seconds before Joey. Chest heaving, he stood in front of it, blocking the way. "Joe, I'm sorry."

Joey blinked up at him, then back down at his hands. "S'okay."

"No, it's not." Justin slid his arms around Joey's body, pulling him close. "It was mean, and so not true."

"Yeah. Right." Joey stood stiffly in his arms, so Justin hugged tighter. "Just...let me go, okay?"

"No." Justin put his chin on the other man's shoulder. "Please, don't. I love you, and you're beautiful. And smart, and funny. And....and...I'm just a prick who thought starting a fight would be good for us."

Joey pulled back, but only to give him a confused look. "What?"

"I thought, you know, we haven't had a big fight." Justin stammered, suddenly feeling extremely stupid. "So, if we had one, we'd be okay."

"You." Joey raised his eyebrows. "You're an idiot."

"That's what I just said." Justin tapped him on the shoulder playfully. "But does it make sense?"

"Sorta." Joey nodded slowly. "In a really, really warped way that makes me think you need therapy."

Justin had to laugh at that. "Forgive me?"

"If you promise never to start a fight for the sake of fighting again. Ever." Joey smiled. "Got it?"

"Got it." Justin replied. "But, since we did fight..."

Joey groaned. "What?"

"Can we go have really amazing make up sex?" Justin grinned mischievously. "Please?"

Joey paused, like he really was debating the idea. "Well, you know me, always happy to oblige."

And that was how their first and only big fight ended.

The group, minus Lance, reconvened in Orlando a week before Challenge for the Children. They needed the week to get back into the swing of things, to run the press gauntlet, to reconnect. It was the first time all four of them had been in the same room since the night before Lance left for Russia.

For Justin, it was the first time he'd seen Joey since the break up.

Chris had flown all the way from California to New York, just so he and Justin could fly back to Orlando together. Probably so Justin wouldn't chicken out and cancel on them. Even with Chris beside him, he almost canceled twice.

"You can't, J." Chris said simply. They were halfway there, and Justin was still freaking out. "Can't do that, we need you."

"I-I can't do this Chris." Justin hunched over in his seat. "I think I'm going to throw up."

"No. You're not." Chris pushed him back until he was sitting upright again. "Just breathe."

Justin took a deep breath. "What am I gonna do? I'm not over him. It's been over a month. Almost two. Thought I would, by now."

"Oh, man." Chris patted his knee. "God, I'm sorry." He had no idea what else to say. They spent the rest of the flight in silence.

They'd decided that the meeting would be held at the Wright Compound, neutral territory. As Chris's PT Cruiser maneuvered the long, winding driveway, Justin considered jumping out and making a run for it. Once he got past the security gates, he might be able to make it home before anyone caught up with him.

But Chris was already parking, Johnny's mansion sprawled out in front of them, and Justin was trapped.

No one else was there yet. A relief and a stressor. Sure, he didn't have to deal with Joey right away, but he would eventually. And now all he could do was wait.

He busied himself by putting Johnny's bowling alley to use, challenging Chris to a game before the others arrived. Always the competitor, and wanting to help Justin anyway he could, Chris agreed.

They were four frames into the game, Justin stepping up to take his fifth, when Joey and JC arrived. He hadn't noticed at first, his concentration devoted to the game. Fingers in the ball, he glided down the alley. One slide, two slide, three slide. He was just about to release the ball when he caught sight of them.

The ball slipped from his fingers, pounding down the alley before falling straight into the gutter. Chris jumped up, crowing "Good one man!" and throwing his arms around Justin's neck. Justin shook so badly his teeth chattered. Chris whispered in his ear. "Didn't see until it was too late. I swear, I would've warned you. So sorry."

Justin just nodded, his eyes on the ground. Oh God, he couldn't look up. Not at Joey, not now. Maybe in a month. A year. A decade. A lifetime. But not now.

Chris let go of him with a sad look, turning to Joey. "Dude! I missed you."

"Ditto man, ditto." Joey said, taking Chris up into a hug. "Been too long."

He laughed, and Justin's heart skipped a beat. JC tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey J."

"C!" Justin exclaimed, like he hadn't known JC was there for the past five minutes. He wrapped an arm around the smaller man's shoulders and squeezed. "How've you been?"

"Good." JC said, then leaned in close. "You?"

"Great!" Justin said loudly, but he gave JC a miserable look. JC was just about to respond when Chris pounced on him.

"JC!!" Chris screeched, knocking JC to the ground. He perched on top of the other man's stomach. "Thought I forgot about ya huh?"

JC got the wind knocked out of him. "No." He whooshed. "I wish you would have."

Chris said something in return, but Justin tuned it out. Every nerve in his body was focused on one person, and one person only.

"Hey Justin." Joey said softly, and Justin's head snapped up. Their eyes met, briefly, then Joey looked away.

"Hey." Justin strangled the emotions running through his mind. His gaze shifted, taking in the sight before him. Joey

Joey looked great. Unlike Justin, Joey didn't have bags under his eyes without makeup, like he hadn't slept more than 9 hours in two months. He didn't look like he desperately needed a shave, or that he hadn't seen the sun in weeks. His skin tanned, hair gelled into spikes, chin covered with dark hair. He looked like the Joey that had been Justin's friend for the past seven years. The same Joey he'd spent three months with. Nothing was different. It shouldn't have surprised him.

At second glance, Justin noticed there was something about him that changed. Something...and then it was clear. The fire - the warm embers that always in Joey's eyes that Justin had always loved the most - was gone. Had died into a thinly veiled shadow of hurt that only those close to him could see. And Justin had created it. Whatever was left of his heart shattered in that instant.

"It's been awhile." Then Joey opened his arms, inviting. Slowly, Justin stepped into them. His brain went haywire, Joey's scent so close, his breath on Justin's skin. Hands running up and down his back. I love you, his mind whimpered pitifully, please, please take me back. It ended a second later, Joey taking a step back.

"Yeah" Was all he said aloud. His whole body shook, and he couldn't do a thing to stop it. "Yeah, it has."

An awkward silence hit them. Justin could hear Joey's breath, the soft wheeze he remembered waking up to every morning. His mind flashed back to those mornings. Wrapped up in Joey's strong arms, warm and welcoming. Some of the few times Justin had truly felt safe. And loved. He closed his eyes, lowering his head.

"So..." Joey cleared his throat. "What have you been up to?"

"Oh you know." Missing you. "Just working on the album. Finished it up. You?"

"That's awesome." Joey sounded honestly excited for him. "Did some filming. Spent a lot of time with Bri...you should come by and see her sometime."

"Maybe I will." Justin forced a smile. "I miss her."

"She misses you too." Joey replied, a sad smile gracing his lips. "You really should come by."

Silence.

Then Justin spoke. "Tomorrow, okay?"

Joey nodded. "Sounds good."

"So, guys." JC slung an arm over Joey's shoulders. He flicked Joey's ear. "Let's get to work."

"Yes Sir." Joey turned, scooping JC up and over his shoulder. JC pounded his back with his fists, laughing and protesting.

Justin watched as Joey staggered down the hall, disappearing as they turned a corner. Minutes he heard a splash, then JC howling. "JOEY!!!"

Chris's eyes were on Justin. "How-"

"Miserable." Justin interjected, knowing what he was going to ask. "Fucking dying."

Joey's laughter echoed throughout the building, getting closer. Justin felt tears welling up in his eyes.

"I'm gonna...go to the bathroom." Justin said, as Joey and a sopping wet JC rounded the corner. "I'll be back in a few."

The bathroom door slammed behind him. His legs gave out beneath him, he slid to the floor. Justin hugged his knees, his brain hurling a flurry of emotions at him. The memories, they never stopped. They'd constantly flashed through his thoughts from the beginning, but now they made his brain hurt in addition to his heart.

Justin broke up with Joey a few days before their three month anniversary. He'd been away for two weeks beforehand, writing and recording for his album in Philly. The trip had given him time to think, to reflect, to fuck up.

They'd talked on the phone every night he was gone. At first their conversations were filled with "I love you" and "I miss you". They always hung up with a smile though, knowing that the other person was happy and healthy and still in love. But then, about a week into it, the calls took a turn for the worse. Every conversation ended in cold silence, followed by a dial tone.

Just when he thought it couldn't get worse, it did.

After another conversation gone wrong, Justin decided that he needed to get out. He'd spent the last three days holed up in the studio, pulling 20 hour days. He really needed to be sleeping, but sleep could wait. Anything to get Joey off his mind.

The last conversation had been uncharacteristically horrible. Justin was tired, Joey was tired. They argued. Words were said. Joey hung up on him.

The club turned out to be fairly lousy. Too small, too crowded, and the bartender couldn't make a drink to save his life. The DJ played mostly hip hop though, so at least the music was tolerable.

He was in the process of down his third Corona - the only decent drink in the place, which said a lot - when someone brushed up against him.

"Sorry." The girl smiled apologetically at him, batting a pair of big, brown eyes.

"It's okay." He flashed one of his 1000 watt grins at her. Eyes roaming down a leather-clad body. Nice. "Can I buy you a drink?"

"Sure." She tossed her curly blonde hair in his face. "Gin and tonic."

The bartender returned with her drink a second later, crappy but quick. Justin handed it to her. "Hi, I'm Justin."

"Cindy." She said, taking the drink from him. "You look familiar."

"Really?" Justin quirked an eyebrow. Maybe not so nice.

"You look like my cousin." She giggled. Justin smiled.

A song that Justin liked started. "Wanna dance?" He held out his hand.

"Yeah." Her hand slid into his, small and soft. Not big and warm.

Bodies pressing against each other, moving to the rhythm. Justin's hand settled in the curve of her spine, grinding his body against her in synch with the beat. Her arms fell around Justin's neck, her body responding to his. Dancing. The song ended, another started. They kept moving.

Five songs later, they stumbled back to the bar. Sweat beading on his brow, Justin gulped down his drink, then ordered another.

"That was fun." Cindy said from beside him. "You're pretty good at dancing."

"Thanks." He nodded. "Hey, wanna get out of here?"

She took a drink, then nodded. "Yes."

It wasn't until he had her pressed against the brick wall outside the club, clawing at his shoulders as he kissed down her neck, that it hit him. The arms around his neck weren't big and strong, but small and weak. The scent filling his nostrils wasn't sweat and cologne, but hairspray and perfume. The body beneath him was soft and curvy, not broad and comfortable. He looked down at her, into eyes that did not belong to Joey, and his mind came back to him. This isn't right.

He pushed away from her. "I-I'm sorry."

"What?" She stood there, hair disheveled, lipstick smeared. "What's wrong?"

"I have...I'm.." Justin stammered. What am I doing here? "I'm seeing someone."

"Oh." She paused. "Oh. Fuck."

"I'm sorry." He said again, but she was already walking away from him.

Justin's knees hit the pavement hard. Shit. What the Hell had he done? He hunched over, vomiting on the pavement.

"Fuck." He muttered as he wiped his lips. "Fuck. Fuck. FUCK."

He knew that he'd fucked up, big time.

Justin told Joey about it two days later, while sitting in his living room. Joey took it well, hurt flashing in his eyes for only a second. Part of him had hoped for me. Hoped to see anger, betrayal, something. Some form of passion. A reaction. Instead, Joey just looked sad but understanding.

It brought things into perspective for him. Made Justin certain of things he'd been feeling for the past month, arguments he'd had with himself. Yes, he'd fucked up, but it wasn't entirely his fault.

"She made me feel wanted." Justin said, as it dawned on him. Joey wasn't looking at him. "You-You don't."

"I don't?" Joey raised his head. Their eyes met. "But-"

"It's okay." Justin interrupted, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. "I mean, it wasn't before, but now it is."

Joey stared at him, dumbstruck. "What?"

Justin sighed. "What happened, it made me think."

"It did?"

"Yeah." Justin looked down at his hands. Okay, so it wasn't that easy. "I love you, really I do. But I can't do this."

Joey frowned. "You can't?"

"It's just not what I thought it would be".....

And the rest, as they say, was history.

Chris drove him over to Joey's the day after their meeting at Johnny's. Justin didn't need a ride, had ample enough vehicles in his driveway. But Chris insisted, not allowing him the chance to chicken out. He waited until Justin stood on Joey's doorstep before speeding away, stranding him there. Justin watched the car disappear in the distance, wondering what had possessed him to tell Chris about the offer. To even agree to it in the first place. Sighing, he turned and knocked on the door.

Just when he thought that no one was home, the door swung open. Joey appeared, out of breath. He saw Justin and froze. "Hey."

"Hi." Justin looked down at the ground. Maybe this was a mistake, he shouldn't be there. "I'm here to see Bri."

"Yeah." Joey opened the door wider, extending his arm out into the hall. "Come on in."

Justin stepped in hesitantly, eyes darting around. Everything looked the same, it only a little bit messier. He laughed. Didn't think that was possible.

"What?" Joey asked, and Justin snapped out of his thoughts.

"Nothin'." He flushed.

"Right." Joey said tersely. "Bri's in her room. I'll be in the living room. You know the way."

"Okay." Justin said, but Joey was already gone. He crept through the hall, pausing near the living room. Joey was sprawled out on his couch, flipping channels. Justin watched him for a moment before turning and heading off to his destination.

Brianna's room was huge, only slightly smaller than Joey's own room next door. It was packed with toys too, everything a child could dream of. Joey might not have been a man of excess, but he believed in giving his daughter everything she'd ever want or need. Her uncles played a big part in her presents too. They could all vouch for at least 50% of the toys in the room, if not more. But no, they didn't spoil her. Not at all.

Justin entered the room silently, wanting to surprise her. Brianna had her back to him, throwing toys at the wall of her playpen and giggling madly, her curly hair bouncing.

"Bri" Justin cooed in a sing-song voice, crouching down behind her. She turned blue eyes, huge and bright, on him. "Brianna."

"Jussin!!" Brianna clapped chubby hands together. She pressed her face into the mesh, eyes getting bigger.

"Hey baby girl." He pressed back, their noses squishing together. "Eskimo kisses!"

"Up." She demanded, raising her hands in the air. "Up."

Justin leaned down into the playpen. He pulled her to his chest, hugging her tightly to him. She drooled on his shirt, the wetness seeping through to his skin as he straightened back up.

His hands under her arms, he held her away from him. "Ew. Bri!"

Brianna smiled at him, revealing three tiny teeth. Justin's eyes widened in surprise, his mouth opening into a big O. "Wow. You've got teeth." She nodded.

He held her close again, her curly head resting on his shoulder. She drooled all over his neck, but it didn't really bother him.

"I've missed you so much babygirl." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. She gurgled something back at him, then giggled. "You're getting so big."

"Play!" Brianna shrieked. Who was he to argue?

They played with her toys on the floor for awhile before Justin's legs started to cramp. Then he picked her up and carried her around the room, letting her grab things down from the shelves to play with, as he told her the story of the Three Bears - named JC, Chris, and Lance- and Goldilocks - Justin. It was a thrilling story, really.

"Justinlocks wanted to stay, but Lance bear was being anal." Justin said, making a face. "So they kicked out poor Justinlocks, kicked him to the curb! But it was okay, Justinlocks went out and got himself a record contract. And after he was rich and famous, he went and bought his own mansion, with plenty of beds and chairs and porridge. He found himself another boy bear that was perfect for him, Joeybear, but that’s another story. Anyway, then he had Lancebear stuffed. But he let Chrisbear and JCbear live happily ever after as his backup singers. "

Brianna yawned, lips smacking together. "Are you tired babygirl?"

He sat down the rocking chair Joey had set up in the corner of her room, facing the window. Her eyelids fluttered closed.

Justin rocked her, back and forth, kissing her forehead, until she became heavy in his arms. She snuggled into his neck, tiny hands curled up in his shirt. He stood up to set her down in her crib, but she whimpered softly and hung on to him. Instead he sat back down, giving in.

The bedrooms faced the backyard, so Justin watched Nikita run around the pool for a little while. Eventually she disappeared into her dog house, probably taking a nap too. He leaned his head back in the chair, closing his eyes.

A tap on the shoulder made him jump. Justin opened his eyes. Brianna stirred in his arms, slowly waking up.

"You were asleep." Joey stood above him, staring down at them. Brianna smiled at him, waving. "Hey honey."

"Sorry." Justin mumbled, standing up. Brianna wiggled in his arms, reaching for her father. "Dada"

Justin handed her over to Joey, careful to make sure they didn't touch. Joey grinned at her as she tugged on his beard. "Ow, honey, that hurts daddy."

"So'." Justin arched an eyebrow.

"She means sorry." Joey explained, rubbing her back. "She's talking so well."

"Yeah, she is." Justin took a step closer, holding Brianna's hand between his index finger and thumb. "Called me Jussin."

"You did?" Joey looked down at her. "You're so smart."

"Like her father." It was a slip, honestly.

Joey stiffened, eyes turning to Justin. "Yeah. Right."

"I meant that." Justin looked at Brianna. "Isn't it true babygirl?" She nodded, drooling. "See, two against one."

"Drool machine!" Joey dabbed at her chin with a cloth. He sniffed, nose wrinkling. "Oh wow. That's not all huh?"

"Need a diaper?" Justin knew where they were. He opened up the drawer and handed Joey one. "Wipes?"

"Please." Joey set his daughter down on her changing table. He struggled to take off her sleeper, her little legs kicking wildly. "Stop that."

Justin set the wipes down next to Brianna's head. Joey shot him a grateful look. The smell wafted through the room, and Justin wrinkled his nose. "Can I, um, use your bathroom?"

"Yeah, sure." Joey looked up, fingers expertly unlatching the tape from the dirty diaper. "You know where it is."

Brianna was giggling again, kicking her legs. He heard Joey groan as he walked out, "You're never gonna give daddy a break, huh?"

Justin locked the bathroom door behind him. He glanced around the familiar room, then walked over to the sink. Flipping on the cold water, he cupped some in his hands, splashing it in his face. He looked at his reflection in the mirror. Haggard, on the verge of tears. He covered his face with a towel.

He made the mistake of inhaling. Joey's scent hit him hard, throwing him off balance. He backed against the wall, dropping the towel on the floor. The smell was all over him now, all over this house, all over everything. It would never go away, he suspected, just like the ache in his chest.

Joey kept aspirin in his medicine cabinet. Justin fumbled with the handle, his hands numb. He saw the bottle and reached for it, knocking some of the cabinet's contents into the sink. He downed the pills dry, in too much pain for water. They weren't going to help, but at least he tried.

He started putting back what he'd knocked over. A razor, bottle of Old Spice, pair of scissors, sleeping pills. He paused. Sleeping pills? Since when did Joey need sleeping pills? Maybe they were Kelly's. She still kept things here, even though she and Joey broke up since before Brianna was born. He turned the bottle over.

Joseph Fatone, take 2 before bed. They were his.

Justin slipped the bottle into his pocket. Closing the cabinet, he unlocked the door and walked out.

Joey was just finishing up the diaper change. He was just slipping Brianna back into her sleeper when Justin walked in. "All done."

"You smell so much better" Justin wrapped his hands around Brianna's middle, lifting her into the air. "Like daisies, babygirl."

Joey watched them for a moment, eyes crinkling into a smile. He cleared his throat. "I'll just leave you two alone."

"Hey Joe." Justin said when Joey hit the doorway, setting Brianna down on the changing table. He tossed the bottle of sleeping pills at him. Joey caught them with one hand, looking down at his palm. "Why?"

"I couldn't sleep." The smile disappeared. He looked up at Justin, eyes sorrowful. "Not without you."

Justin stared at the empty doorway long after Joey left. Then Brianna tugged on his sleeve. "What babygirl?"

"Up." Brianna lifted her arms. Justin obliged, bringing her up until they were eye to blue eye.

"I love you babygirl." Justin whispered, their noses touching. "I love your daddy too. More than anything in the whole, wide world."

Lance arrived in Orlando two days before the challenge. That night Joey threw a party at his house in honor of Lance's return.

As usual, Joey went all out. Fake moons hung all over his walls. An astronauts suit filled with paper and a picture of Lance's face pasted on the helmet stood next to the door. Apollo 13 and 2001: A Space Odyssey played in his theater. In case it might have slipped by, the party had a space theme.

Justin walked right into the fake astronaut as soon as he walked through the door. "What the fuck?"

"It's Lance." JC explained as Justin poked at the creature. "Joe and I were up ‘til midnight last night stuffing that sucker with paper."

"That's freaky man." Justin shook his head. "It looks just like him, though."

They made their way through the crowd of people, stopping to exchange words with those they recognized and those that recognized them. "A few close friends" seemed to have turned into the whole neighborhood.

"Hey guys!" Chris called out to them, the voice coming from the living room. "We're in here."

Lance was in the middle of the room, fitting since the entire night revolved around him, talking animatedly with Chris. His hands swung around his head, then down to his knees. Justin could only imagine what he might be talking about.

JC tugged on his elbow, dragging him forward. Apprehension welled up inside him. He hadn't spoken to Lance in two months, since the day Lance hung up on him. He'd wanted to call, so many times, but it never seemed to pan out. Lance hadn't made any attempts either. He was probably still pissed.

As they drew closer, Justin's attention snapped away from Lance. Joey sat on the couch across from Lance, listening attentively. Brianna on his lap, bouncing up and down on his knee as she chewed on the hair of one of her dolls. The dull ache in Justin's chest intensified.

Their eyes met, and Justin stopped breathing. Then he realized the look in Joey's eyes wasn't some deep feeling, but a question. Lance stood in front of him, a hand extended. "Hey Justin."

"Hey." Justin took a step back, away. Anxiously, he shook Lance's hand. It was awkward, something they rarely did. In fact, the last time he remembered giving Lance this awkward of a handshake was back when they first met. Lance turned away the second it was over. To hug JC. Yeah, Lance was definitely still mad at him.

When he looked back at Joey, he wasn't looking at him anymore. Instead he was looking down at Brianna, his hands pulling doll hair out of her mouth. "Bri! Don't do that. Doll hair is yucky."

"I'm gonna go get something to drink." Justin mumbled, walking away without waiting for a response.

He bypassed the kitchen and headed straight for the hall. Air. He needed air. Or something. Anything. He just couldn't be in the same room as Joey. Not right now, not yet. How the Hell was he going to get through this?

The hall was crowded with people, friends. He maneuvered through them slowly, stopping every so often for a short conversation with those he recognized. The crowd tapered off midway through the hall, toward the bedrooms.

He breathed a sigh of relief, then looked at the two doors. Should he seek refuge in Joey's bedroom, or Brianna's?

Yeah, Joey's room. Great idea. That wouldn't bring pain, not at all. He quickly ducked into Brianna's room.

It was dark and Justin liked it that way. He knew the room well enough to make it to the other end without hurting himself too badly. His knee bumped into something hard. The crib. That meant he was close. Luckily, he found the rocking chair without another injury.

He rocked back and forth, head tilted back into the soft padding. The motion calmed him, gave him some sense of peace. As much as could be expected sitting in Joey's house. Not enough to make the pain go away, but enough to keep him from crying his eyes out in front of everyone.

The light flicked on, and he froze. Lance stood in the doorway, Brianna against his chest, her little arms hanging limply.

"Sorry. Didn't know you were in here." Lance looked startled. He stepped inside regardless, moving toward the crib. "Bri fell asleep, Joe asked me to put her to bed."

"Oh." Justin stood up as Lance set Brianna down. "I can leave."

"No, no." Lance pulled a blanket down over Brianna's body. "I wanted to talk to you."

Justin kept his eyes on the crib, on Brianna. He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, fingers brushing a chubby cheek gently. "Okay."

"I'm sorry Jus, for everything." Lance said in a hushed voice. Justin looked up, catching the regret etched into Lance's normally stoic features. "I shouldn't have-"

"Nah man." Justin interjected quietly. "You had every right. I deserve it."

Lance shook his head. "No, you didn't. And you don't."

"What I did to him," A lump formed in his throat. He swallowed past it. "I was such a bast-." He looked down at Brianna. "a jerk."

"But still, it wasn't my place to ignore you because of it." Lance sighed. "You're one of my best friends Justin, my brother. And I'm supposed to stick with you, regardless of how much of a bas-jerk you are."

"Joey's your best best friend." Justin countered, grimacing. "Your loyalties to him beat mine. I know that, don't hold it against you."

"Yeah, well." Lance cleared his throat. "Joey wasn't too happy with me when he heard about it. He bitched at me for a week about it."

The dull ache in Justin's chest intensified. "He shouldn't have."

"Tell him that." Lance said dryly. "He still loves you."

"I know." Justin assented. "I still love him too."

"What?" An eyebrow arched, Lance gave him a disbelieving look. "You do?"

"So much." Came Justin’s soft reply.

"Then why..." Lance trailed off, confused.

Justin turned away, walking over to the window. He closed his eyes, trying to stop the inevitable tears. His voice was weak, strangled. "You were right, you know. I was a spoiled little brat, too scared, too chicken, too selfish to believe that Joe really loved me."

 "Jus." Lance started to say, but Justin cut him off.

"Just let me talk okay? I need to make you understand. Maybe it’ll help me figure it out too."

"Okay." Lance conceded reluctantly.

"I-I thought that this was for the best, you know?" Justin waited for Lance to nod before continuing. "That it needed to end before it got the chance to go bad. I couldn’t… handle it."

"Handle what?" Lance asked.

"Finally having Joey." He said quietly. "I wanted it-him for seven years. And then I had him. I couldn’t handle it if one day he decided he didn’t love me anymore. But it wasn’t what I expected. He, he was so…unemotional. Sometimes I wondered if he really loved me. I got scared, freaked out."

They were silent for a minute, then Lance dared a question. "And so you cheated on him?"

"I didn’t know what I was doing until we were kissing." Justin knew the defense was weak. "It didn’t go any further than that, I swear. I couldn’t…wouldn’t. She wasn’t Joe."

Justin waited for Lance to say something, ask another of the countless questions he must have had. "After that I started wondering if what we had was so strong, why did I kiss her? So I talked myself into breaking up with him."

"Which accomplished nil." Lance said, tone edging toward anger. "Except to hurt him."

"It hurt me too." Justin responded. He wasn’t defending himself, just stating a fact. "I think I’m dying man, it hurts that much."

"I don’t understand you at all." Lance sighed again, a deep rumble that echoed through the quiet room. But his voice wasn’t angry anymore, just sad. "But I guess it’s not me that needs to understand. You need to tell him this."

"I-I can’t." Justin stammered. "He thinks I’m over him. I can’t tell him that I’m still in love with him."

"Why the Hell not?" Lance said, a little too loudly. They heard the mattress squeak, then Brianna’s strangled cries. "Crap."

Justin hurried over to the crib. Brianna looked up at him, eyes red rimmed and filled with tears. He swept her into his arms, her head against his shoulder.

"It’s okay, baby girl. Uncle Lance didn’t mean to yell." Justin murmured, glaring at Lance. "He’s just cranky."

"I’m sorry Bri Bri." Lance held his arms out to her. Justin kissed her forehead, then handed her to him. He leaned down into the crib to grab her blanket.

That’s when he saw it. The blue plate, tiny holes in it. The flash of blinking red light, signaling that it was on. He picked the device up, holding it in a shaking hand. "What’s this?"

"The baby monitor." Lance said. His hand stopped rubbing Brianna’s back.

Justin looked down at it. "Where’s the other one?"

"Joe has it." 

 Justin stumbled blindly through the crowd in the hall, heading for the door. He passed by the living room and heard voices, people laughing. Probably laughing at me. He fumbled with the doorknob, taking three tries before the door finally swung open. It slammed shut behind him.

Joey knows. He thought as he staggered down the steps. The baby monitor was on, Joey had to have heard them. Had heard his rant, everything Justin felt. Everything he did not want Joey to know about.

His car was parked on the street, where he could get out easily. JC would be stranded, but he wasn’t thinking about that at the moment. Someone would give him a ride home.

He had to get out of there, fast. Before he broke down in the middle of the party. Better do that at home instead, where he didn’t have to see Joey’s face as he crumbled. See the pity, the sadness. Everything he’d fucked up, right in front of him. At least at home he could be miserable alone.

"Justin!" A familiar voice called out from the steps. His hand froze on the ignition. "Justin, wait!"

He couldn’t move, no matter how many curses he muttered under his breath. His body betrayed him, refusing to move, to drive away and leave this place. His heart had taken control, for once.

"Justin." Joey huffed, out of breath from running to catch up with him. Justin gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles starting to turn white. He stared forward, feeling Joey’s eyes through the window. "Don’t go."

"Did-did you hear?" Justin asked, his voice hoarse with emotion. Joey nodded, holding up the baby monitor still in his hand. Justin closed his eyes, sucking in a deep breath. "I have to go."

Joey curled his fingers around the device, hand forming a fist. "Why?"

"Because," Justin swallowed harshly. "I have to leave, we can’t do this."

His door flung open, hinges creaking under the pressure. He reached out to close it, but Joey blocked the way. "No. Justin."

"Please, Joe." Justin pleaded, tears welling in his eyes. He looked up, begging. "Please."

"Get out of the car." Joey demanded, ignoring the pleas. He was angry, hurt, sad, and he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. "You wanted emotion J? Well, this is it. Get the fuck out of the car."

Justin slipped out of the car silently, letting Joey slam the door shut. He backed away slowly, putting space between them. "Happy now?"

"No." Joey’s voice faltered. "Not at all."

"How much did you hear?" Justin essayed the question he dreaded.

Joey moved closer to him. "Everything."

"Oh." Justin took a step back. "So. Yeah."

"I heard you talking to Bri the other day too." Joey’s hand was on his arm.

Justin felt sick to his stomach. He tried to wrench his arm away, but Joey held fast. After a second of struggling, he gave in, slumping against his car.

Fingers lightly grazed Justin’s cheek. He turned his head, trying desperately not to cry. "I’ve missed you J."

"I’ve missed you too." A tear escaped him, trickling down his face before pulling on Joey’s finger. "But we can’t."

Before he could pull away, Joey’s arms were around him. Holding him close. All at once he felt secure, warm, loved. His defenses crumbled. He buried his head in the nape of Joey’s neck, breathing in the scent he craved as tears flooded down his face. He couldn’t stop it, didn’t want to. "I love you." He sobbed, clutching Joey’s shirt in his hand. "It hurts."

"I love you too, Justin." Joey’s hands were on him, soothing, comforting… healing. "Never stopped."

Justin pulled back slightly until they were eye to teary eye. Brown eyes filled with sadness, need, want, but most of all…love. And then he kissed him. Lips still wet with tears, he grazed Joey’s bottom lip tentatively, waiting to be pushed away.

But he wasn’t. Instead Joey leaned into him, lips roaming over his. He took control, kissing the corners of Justin’s mouth before deepening the contact. Justin let himself go, let go of everything and just let his heart do the thinking for once.

His mind made one last appeal. "Wait." He gasped.

"What?" Joey’s lips hovered over his.

"We-we can’t do this." Justin forced the words out. He wanted this, wanted it so badly that it made his heart hurt. But he could not have it. He’d already convinced himself of that. "We can’t."

"Do you love me?" Joey’s question threw him offguard.

"Yes." Justin couldn’t lie to him. He knew the truth anyway.

Joey’s palm cupped his cheek. His eyes shone bright with love, hope, need. "And I love you. So yes, we can."

"But all good things, they come to an end." Justin countered weakly, pressing his face into Joey’s hand. "And we were a good thing."

"No, J." The corners of Joey’s mouth twitched into a grin. "We were a great thing."

"But-"

Joey cut him off with another kiss, swallowing the words -the lie- before Justin could say it. Justin brought his hands up to push him away, but they wound up curling around Joey’s neck. Joey pulled back for a second, breath hot on Justin’s face. "Justin, shut up."

Maybe all great things don’t come to an end.

Back To Slash Main