Howie opened the door just in time to see A.J. angrily walking past, his head bent low and his undoubtedly angry eyes hidden behind sunglasses. Howie frowned and quickly shut his hotel door before hurrying after his best friend.
"J, hold up."
A.J. stopped in front of the elevator and angrily darted his finger against a button before shifting his gaze above the door. He tapped his foot impatiently, his tatooed arms folding and unfolding.
Howie stepped beside A.J. and studied his face with a frown. He didn't know what A.J.'s problem was of late. The goodhearted, goofy A.J. he once knew had recently turned into a stubborn, barely enjoyable A.J. "A.J., where are you going? What's wrong?" he asked, desperately trying to get an answer or even a slight reaction. A slight reaction would be more than any of them had gotten.
A.J. let out an exasperated groan and turned his sheilded eyes on Howie. "What is it with the fucking third degree all the God damned time? Damn. Kevin was on my ass earlier and now you're on my ass. Just leave me the hell alone and go back to primping your hair or whatever the fuck you do on your days off."
Howie was taken aback by the rude comments and his face showed it. His crossed arms fell to his sides as he stared at the stranger in front of him. He knew A.J. for the better part of his life and while A.J. oftentimes joked with him, he never meant what he said. Now, it seemed as if he did. He couldn't help but realize that A.J. was acting the same way he had before he went into rehab.
Finally, the elevator doors opened and A.J. disappeared inside. He faced Howie, his expression grim as he pushed at another button.
Howie acted quickly, the shock worn off. He knew what he had to do. He was going to be the best friend he always prided himself on being. He was going to follow A.J.'s every move. He wasn't going to let A.J. fall back into the bottomless pit he had been in months ago. He stepped inside of the elevator just as the doors closed behind him.
"What the fuck are you doing?" A.J. asked, his voice loud and angrily in the small space that was exaggerated do to the mirrored walls surrounding them.
"A.J., I want to help you. I'm not letting you leave this hotel without supervision." Howie knew the statement sounded bizarre due to A.J.'s age but he knew the consequences if he let A.J. leave without supervision. Though A.J. had been sober for nearly ten months, the threat was still there and Howie wasn't about to be careless, no matter how much it hurt him to see his friend this angry.
"Man, Fuck you, Howie. I don't need no fucking permission. Fuck Kevin and his assinine rules and fuck you, too." He placed his hands on Howie's chest and pushed the smaller man backwards.
Howie crashed against one of the mirrored walls and felt all of his breath leave him in a harsh 'whoosh' leaving him breathless. Just as he was about to retaliate against his own thinking will, the elevator stopped with a sharp jolt, causing A.J. to fall backwards against the opposite wall.
A.J. stared up at the ceiling with a look of sheer confusion written across his features. His eyes then turned to the door which was still unopened. He numbly took off his sunglasses and looked at Howie who was just as confused looking. "What the fuck did you do?" He asked, panic coating his voice.
Howie frowned and straightened himself up. "What did I do? You're the one who pushed me!" Howie couldn't believe that A.J. was actually blaming the situation on him. Typical.
A.J. ignored him and walked over to a compartment and opened up the latching door. "Isn't there supposed to be a fucking phone or some shit?"
Howie watched A.J. and sighed, seeing that the elevator was indeed emergency-phonless.
"Fuck!" A.J. yelled. "This is just what I need!"
"Calm down, A.J. They'll see that the elevator isn't moving and they'll send someone up. You don't have to yell."
"Fuck you."
"A.J., I'm just-"
"Fuck you."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Howie began, his voice filled with his once hidden anger. He stepped closer and challenged A.J. "All I'm trying to do is help you, A.J."
"That's all everyone tries to do, isn't it, Howie? All everyone wants to do is help! But no one can help me! Don't you get it? No one can help me." He screamed, his face inches from Howie's. "And don't tell me anything about caring about me. A lot of people tell me they care about me. They even stick around making me think that hey.. maybe this will actually work. And then what happens? They fucking leave me and once again I'm left with nothing!"
Howie watched as A.J. pulled away from him and began pacing the small pace. He swallowed the lump in his throat and listened to everything A.J. had to say.
A.J. stopped pacing and turned his attention to Howie. "Look at me, Howie. I'm not worth it." He said, his voice dropping and his eyes showing his inner turmoil. "I'm not worth all of the extra time. Even when I think that maybe I am worth it, people show me time and time again that I'm just kidding myself." He turned his back to Howie and sighed, burying his face in his hands. "You know what's always there for me when I need it? Something that always takes my pain away without lies? Something that doesn't care who I am?"
Howie acted quickly. He grabbed A.J. by the arm and turned the younger man toward him. His eyes were hard and his face was stern. He knew exactly what A.J. was talking about and this angered him to no end. "No, A.J. Don't think that way." Howie said flatly, both of his arms gripping A.J.'s forearms. "You don't need alcohol." His voice began to quiver as he realized A.J.'s pain was his also. How long had his friend been thinking about drinking again? Had he began to drink again? His eyes clouded with tears as he stared into A.J.'s eyes. "You don't need alcohol, A.J. And whatever happened.. whatever happened.. you just have to overlook it. You're strong, A.J. Don't do this. There are people who care about you and love you very much." His hands moved to cup A.J.'s crumbling face. "So much." He whispered, not realizing he said the last two words until they had already fallen from his tongue.
A.J. shook his head against Howie's hand and quickly stepped away, breaking all contact from his best friend. "No." He whispered. "No." He said again, his voice quivering and his eyes tearing over.
Howie watched as A.J. backed into the mirrored wall and slowly slide down to the floor. A.J. bent his knees to his chest and hugged them tightly as he cried against his knees. Howie almost reluctantly, not knowing A.J.'s reaction, walked over to his best friend and sat down beside him. He gently touched A.J.'s shoulder before snaking his arm around his shoulders. He pulled A.J. against him gently and kissed the top of his head. He couldn't help but remember when A.J. was younger and homesick how he had curled up against Howie in the exact same way. Something he hadn't done in a long time. "Sh." He said softly, cradling A.J. back and forth gently.
A.J. opened his eyes and gripped Howie's arm that was wrapped around his chest. Any other time, with anyone else, he would have shrugged away from the hug. But something about the moment made it feel right. He suddenly found the comfort he had been searching for.
Howie rested his cheek against the top of A.J.'s head and listened to his friend's steady breathing. After a few minutes, he spoke, wanting to know what A.J. was thinking about. "J?"
"Hm?"
"What happened?"
A.J. remained silent for a long time, contemplating on whether or not to tell Howie what happened. "Sarah left me about a week ago."
Howie froze at A.J.'s confession and immediately shut his eyes with a painful sigh. Suddenly, everything seemed so clear. Why A.J. had been distant and angry the last couple of days. "A.J., I'm so-"
"Don't say you're sorry, D, or I'm going to fucking scream."
Howie couldn't help but to smile softly. A.J. never wanted pity no matter what the situation. "Sorry."
"There you go saying sorry again."
"A.J., Don't joke." Howie said, catching on to his friend's joking manner.
A.J. sighed and pulled away from Howie. He stood up using the support of the banister. "I don't want to talk about this, Okay, Howie? Sarah left me. I should have known. My relationships never last anyways. I don't know why I thought this one would have."
Howie watched A.J. before standing up himself. After a long pause, he spoke. "A.J., Be honest with me."
A.J. turned his eyes to Howie and nodded a couple of seconds later.
"Since Sarah broke up with you.. have you.."
"No." A.J. admitted, already knowing what Howie was going to ask. "I mean, I was tempted to. God fucking knows I was. I was to the point where I could fucking taste it in my sleep."
Howie thought for a moment, his eyes fixated on A.J.'s. "Where were you going before I stopped you?",he asked softly, afraid of the answer.
A.J. looked down at the ground before finally lifting only his eyes. Eyes that showed the truth about what he was about to do.
Howie looked at A.J., his eyes rimming with tears once again. He was suddenly overcome with anger and sadness, though he wasn't sure which emotion was stronger. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you stupid?" He moved forward and cupped A.J.'s face strongly between his hands. "How can you do this? You were about to drink again, weren't you? You were about to just throw away everything you worked for for the past three hundred and fifty-six days!" He was crying now, crying for almost losing his best friend once again to alcohol. "Forget Sarah, A.J. Forget her. If she left you, it's her loss, not yours." He lightly traced his thumbs along A.J.'s cheekbones. "Not yours. You're better than this. I should know more than anyone."
A.J. angrily tore himself from Howie's grip. "Don't tell me what I'm better than and who deserves me and who doesn't!"
"I know what you deserve, A.J. You deserve someone who will love you despite your flaws. Someone who looks at your flaws as perfection. I know who you are, A.J. On the inside. I know your insecurities and your fears. I know your likes and dislikes..."
"No." A.J. said, shaking his head. "No, Howie. You don't get it."
"No, You don't get it!" Howie yelled, his cheeks streaked with tears. "Look at yourself, A.J. Stop putting yourself down! You're the most amazing person I've ever known and I'm sorry, A.J., I know you hate that word but I hate hearing you say how much you hate yourself, because if Sarah knew you even one tenth of how much I know you, she'd know just how amazing you are!"
A.J. stared at Howie as if he had just grown two heads. He opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it, not able to find any words. No one had ever told him he was amazing. Besides his mom and fans but somehow, that had never been enough. "Sarah didn't know." He finally spat out, his eyes rimming with tears.
Howie frowned, his hands still cupping A.J.'s face. "What?"
"Sarah didn't know how many days I was sober. You do."
Howie gently massaged A.J.'s cheeks with his thumbs, his body aching to be closer.
"Has it really been three hundred and fifty-six days?" A.J. asked, bringing his own hands up and cupping them over Howie's.
Howie smiled softly and nodded. "Nine more days to go."
A.J. fell into Howie's embrace with a deep, shaky sigh. He held on for dear life and squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his whole body shaking. "I was going to drink again. I was.." He couldn't finish his sentence and only elicited a sob.
Howie held A.J. tightly and took in his scent and closeness. "I love you, A.J." He whispered, not sure if he had really said it outloud or if it were his mind again.
A.J. stiffly pulled away and stared deep into Howie's eyes, a frown written across his face.
Unable to stand much any longer, Howie placed his hands around those cheeks again and went in for the kill, not caring anymore. He knew if A.J. was mad at him afterwards, it wouldn't be even close to being as excruciating as not being able to taste those lips. He sucked A.J.'s bottom lip into his mouth and let out a soft sigh. He held A.J.'s face, afraid the younger man would break the moment too soon.
The initial shock wore off and finally, A.J. began to respond, sliding his tongue past Howie's lips. As wrong as he thought this was, nothing in his life had ever felt so right. Something inside of him clicked and the turmoil he had been feeling earlier had diminished. Alcohol was now the furthest thing from his mind.
Howie wrapped his arms around A.J.'s neck as the kiss deepened. He couldn't believe that after many years of wanting, part of his dreams had finally become a reality. Warning signals began to signal in his head and he pulled away, intent on apologizing for taking advantage of A.J.'s weak state. He only had time to open his mouth before A.J.'s lips were back on his in a passionate kiss. He moaned and slowly traced his fingers down A.J.'s sides when he felt himself being pressed against the elevator wall. He slid his fingers underneath the cotton of A.J.'s shirt and lightly tickled the skin of his belly beneath it. It was both as hard and soft as he'd imagined.
A.J. groaned against the kiss as his hands worked through Howie's hair and his tongue explored the one thing that had been once forbidden. The one thing he had always fantasized about through the years, only recently pushing those fantasizies to the back of his mind.
Howie broke from the kiss and bent his hungry tongue to the tempting vein on the side of A.J.'s neck. He sucked the skin there as A.J.'s hands gripped in his hair and soft murmurs fell from his lips.
"Howie.." A.J. moaned, trying to gain some control over the situation. "Don't do this, Howie." He whispered, his voice quivering. "Whenever I fall in love, everything turns to shit."
Howie pulled away from his work and stared into matching brown eyes, eyes filled with passion, confusion, and love. He cupped A.J.'s face once more, his fingers playing softing against silky skin. "No." He whispered. "A.J., I'll never hurt you. Never." He could still see the uncertainty in his best friend's eyes. "This is all up to you." He added, his fingers tracing A.J.'s features. "You're in control here."
A.J. leaned into Howie's touch and sighed, thinking about everything he and Howie would have to go through to be together. He didn't know if he was ready for it. He opened his eyes when the elevator began moving again.
Howie continued staring at A.J. even as the elevator doors open and a voice began speaking.
"Are you two okay? We tried to get this fixed as fast as possible!" The technician said nervously, knowing the two victims were very rich and powerful.
A.J. tore his eyes from Howie's and looked at the man. "It's alright. We won't sue, if that's what you're worried about. In fact, here's a twenty. I think my friend and I needed this." He said, his eyes focused on Howie as he said his last sentence and handed the eager technician the money.
Howie turned around, his heart sinking for some reason as he made his way to the elevator next to the injured one. He didn't look up as A.J. entered it with him.
"We both going up?"
Howie lifted his eyes and looked at A.J., a small smile written across his face. "I thought you were going down."
"Someone changed my mind."
"Oh really?"
"Yes." A.J. said in a low whisper as he moved closer and nuzzled his nose against Howie's neck. "Maybe I can come over.. I can go down in other places ..."
Howie closed his eyes and relished in the sensations rushing through his body. "Yes. That would be good."
The elevator doors opened and both men hurried out, making their way to Howie's room ... Sarah, alcohol, longing and pain the furthest things from their minds.
