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Pop2Dow

 

My thoughts..

You can now view what I think at this link:  Dow's Xanga

02/07/02 10:12pm

Heh. I only write when something is wrong with me.  I guess it's the only time I feel I can vent, or the only time when something REALLY is on my mind.  My head hurts so badly.  All this shit is due at the same time, I don't have time to think.  Always out doing something.  And I'm always in a rush to do things.  I want to relax.. go on a vacation of some sort.  Too bad I'll have to come back to this life after the vacation is over.  I don't know how other people deal with this.  I'm breaking down and I can't seem to get myself together.  I feel like I did about 2 years ago.   I need a break from school.  It puts too much stress on a person.  Now is the time I want to curl up in a ball and die.  Really..  I can't take this shit anymore.  All I have to say to you people is, "HOW DO YOU DO IT???".. really.. let me know.. Maybe I can learn something.  I only have 2 semesters left.   I don't think I can make it.. I need help..  =\  ...  If I seem like a total bitch these next few weeks, you'll have to excuse me...  I'm just not myself right now.  I love you guys.

12/22/01 11:59pm

Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts... random, random, random...  I hate my brain.  I think I think too much.  Nothing is the same for me anymore.  I find that I wish for things that I could've had.. but I messed up on.  When you're young.. you don't think about the bad things that can happen.  Who knew that I would do sooooo poorly that I had to leave U of I?  Not me.  I thought I was going to go to a University (Northwestern.. even though I never applied.. I thought I was going to be a doctor... what a joke), I'd find the right guy in college.. then get married.. have kids.. and live happily ever after.   The "American Dream".  I guess that's why they call it a "dream" I suppose..  There are a lot of obstacles in actually achieving it.   Even if you do achieve that dream..  The person you're with or the kids that you have.. can affect you (Maybe even Jerry Springer style).  Aaarghhh.. I remember.. seeing this comedian on tv. many years ago.  I don't remember who they were.. but I remember the context of the words that they used.  "What if this isn't real?   What if.. I'm sitting in a mall somewhere in a huge water fountain with my pants down taking a leak.. and what if I should happen to wake up and find myself there...?"  I know.. fucked up, right?.. but.. it sort of.. well.. leads to the idea that maybe a "matrix" exists.  It may sound stupid.. but I find that to be deep.  What if..?  What if.. i'm not really here.. and this is all some..   virtual reality dream.. and today isn't Saturday December 21, 2001?  Someone grab me a spoon so I can concentrate.... "This spoon is not real..."  Yeah I'm fucked up, so what?  I don't have to get high to think like this.  hehe.. I just.. always think like this..  I bet it makes me look like some loser.. but "eh".  When I think more and more.. other dreams surface... but I can't do anything about them.. They're just gone.  I want too much, and I think too much.   How many times have I said that?  You know.. the holidays are so hard.   Everytime I see a charity.. I want to donate.. so I pitch in a dollar here and there.  Seriously.. make a box and slit a hole through the top. Tell me you're raising money for "blah blah blah';.. and i'm sure i'd hook you up. heheh.  It does make me feel better to know I am helping someone else.  I hope it's not late for Toys for Tots.  

12/15/01  6:00pm

Only.. a couple of days later.. and things are already looking better.  Maybe I shouldn't be so optimistic about things.  I might get disappointed in the end.  Christmas is coming.. and all I have to say to that is "eh".  I'm not quite sure if I really ever looked forward to it.  I was watching "Just Shoot Me" on Thursday.. and I was thinking.. "Arrrgh.. Christmas sucks". hehe.. Ray Liotta loving Christmas.. and living for that day.. freaked me out some.  It was funny I had to admit, I just.. hate the holiday season.  Except for the New Year.  I feel like I can start over next year.  You know.. the "resolution" bit.  I never keep any of them anyway.  I just feels better to tell myself that I'll work at changing things.   hehe.. Like.. I cared enough to think about changing things.  It's hard to make change when you're comfortable with what you do.  I'm sure everyone's the same way.  Except when people try to be like others.. well... fickle minds produce fickle people.. I'm on a tangent.. I think I'll just continue.... You know.. Thanksgiving.. has to be my favorite holiday.  I was so happy that I had it off this year.  This was the first year I had spent it with my friends and my boyfriend at the same time.   It felt good to share it with the people I love, you know?  hehe I had a good time. Everyone was fucking crazy that day.  1895 and the stove issue.  hehe hilarious..  Anyway..  maybe I don't need the Zoloft as much as I thought I did.. just give me some Valium.. that should work fine. :P

12/11/01

It's 12:43... and i can't go to bed..  I don't know what's wrong with me this semester.  I just.. don't care anymore.  I wish I did, but I really don't..  You know how that gets to be.. when you're almost done... and you're so sick of it.. that you begin not to care.   It's just another stressor I have in my life.  Not to say that all stress is bad.  What I have to look forward to here is graduation.. and independence.  You ever wish you could just be free of everything around you.. for just a couple of hours.. so you can breathe in and out..and feel that you have nothing to worry about?  Heh..   It's unattainable, isn't it?  They say bad things come in 3's.  I hope... with my purse being stolen, that was the end of it.  I can't take anymore of this bad luck.  I'm sick of school, I'm sick of work, I'm sick of myself.  arrgghh.. maybe I should go see a counselor or something... All this bad news.. hitting all at once.   Just when you think, nothing else could go wrong.. it does.  I sound depressed.. anyone have some Zoloft to share? hehe.  At this point.. I've never felt so much pain in my life... everything is going wrong.. and I feel like I'm the cause of it.  It's like I never do anything right.. or whatever I do isn't good enough.. even if it is done right.  I can't win anymore.. or maybe I never have. 

 

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