Mood:
So a lot of thinking and soul searching was done last night.
Career
I'm afraid I really don't know what my calling is in life. I wish I was one of those people that was sure of themselves and knew what they wanted. I just can't do that.
Growing up, I wanted to be in the medical profession, but the thought of blood and bodily functions turned me off to that. I studied business.. because I didn't know where else to go. My parents would always say, "Why business...? What are you going to sell??"..... and at the time I said, "I don't know.... why do I have to sell anything?" I can see where they were going with their question now.
In business, you have to be sharp.. know the business world, and have a lot of ambition. I can't say I exude those qualities, but I can't say that I'm lacking in them either.
I work very hard. I try to complete every task. I tackle as many issues I can that come my way. I ask for help when I don't know the answer. I always want to be more than what I am, and I hope one day to achieve it. (This includes going back to school for an MBA.)
I too, want to be successful. How do you measure success? I have learned people view success in many ways. Unfortunately for me, I view it superficially as being financially sound, having an incredible job, and the posession of material goods.
In addition to that... I hadn't thought about what else in my life would make me a success. It was pointed out to me that there are people who stay home and raise a family rather than have a career, and they may consider themselves successful for having a great home life.
That is something to consider.
Relationships
I just want to start this off by saying.. I don't feel old. I feel like I just turned 21 most days. I'm not sure how that's a precursor to what I have to say about relationships... but it's a statement I wanted to make.
I have been in 3 relationships in my lifetime. 2 of which were serious, and 1 in which was based off of lies. Most times I do not consider the latter of being of any significance, and it is embarrassing to speak of at times because I was fooled.
To that person, if you have found me and read my blog. I want you to know I forgive you, and I think of you and your family and hope everything is well. We were young at the time, and I hope in life, you've found what you were looking for.
In the first relationship I learned how to love. I also in the end, learned how to hurt someone and kill their spirit. But it wasn't just his spirit I killed, it was mine. We were young at this time, too. I didn't know how to handle the situation properly, and I was scared of what was to come. I was impatient for future scenarios, and couldn't stand not having him around. What I did was wrong, and I don't believe I have forgiven myself for that. It is, it seems, ancient history, but I still feel terrible for all that happened. I knew I loved with all my heart. I thought it would be forever. Forever cannot stand betrayal.
3 relationships... does that seem like a small number? It's funny because... in this current relationship, I have been in it since I was 18.
18 is young. How could our relationship sustain such a long period of time? Especially starting off at such a young age...? I have no idea. In this relationship, I did not take the same approach as the first. I had already learned my lesson.
In this, we work things through. We talk about how we feel. At times, it's like pulling teeth. One does not want to hurt the other by being truthful, but we know it must be done. We are open towards each other. We have grown together, inspired each other, supported one another. It's been 7 1/2 years. Time flies.
I remember when I met him. How I felt about him. How I thought I'd never see him again. I wanted to be able to date more people. Life does not play out as imagined. Maybe it's better that way....
Dreaming
Did I mention I'm a dreamer? I dream to hit the Lotto. :) I also feel I will win one day. :) I know that sounds crazy. I am a bit on the crazy side.
I dream of getting married most times, too. What am I going to dream about after I do...???
The Lotto. :D
Feeling Philosophical
I'm a romantic deep down. I set myself up for failure.
I expect the worse to fall upon me. If I am optimistic about events, and it ends up going south, I end up feeling devastated. Devastated is a pretty strong word, but it's true.
If I feel that the event could go either direction, I am calm and can accept a win or lose. I like the middle road.
If I feel I am going to fail, and I end up succeeding. Surprise!!!! That's a score for me. It rarely happens, but when it does, there is a feeling of complete satisfaction. In this situation, if I do fail.. the disappointment isn't as great.. and the hurt I feel is far less, than if I had expectations.
Now I feel silly explaining the ins and outs of my actions. =/
Life is what you make of it. Only you can decide what's right for you. The decisions you make and the actions you take are what drives you to be the person you are.
Goals are easy to set. The difficulty lies in achieving them.
Nothing is perfect. Once you feel you've reached perfection, you find another flaw... or someone else finds it for you.
And.. advice given to me when I was younger... "You'll be ok. I know you feel bad that it's over, but you have to remember you made the decision. It hurts, and you will probably cry, but ultimately.. you decided to end it, and in time you'll accept that it was for the best."
Updated: Saturday, 3 March 2007 11:04 AM CST
Post Comment | View Comments (1) | Permalink | Share This Post




































