So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in South Carolina), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The South Carolinian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from South Carolina.

This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, "1, 2, 3, 4, .. ..", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK? ANSWER: "WATER" IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER-TAXED! YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST KID'S WORLD? >IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3 (Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF? ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!! >IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4 Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE. BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, ..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS: EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"? ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" . IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!! IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5 . Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR? ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION? IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION . 6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON IN ARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT..... WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER? ANSWER: "YOUR NAME" (Read the first sentence of the question again). SOOOOOOOOO, how did YOU do???

Actual newspaper ads! Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ---------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES /center> 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ----------------------------- FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG ------------------------------ GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. ------------------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. ----------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer ---------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ------------------------------- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. ----------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ------------------------------------- HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" ---------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. ------------------------------------------ NICE PARACHUTE NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ------------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY $7 -- $9 PER HOUR. ------------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. ------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. ------------------------------------------ ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ------------------------------------------- OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS --------------------------------------- (AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything

THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long, So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd. Whizzed, that is. Straight stream. Even seam. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now , ya hear?????

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"


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