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Blowjob Etiquette

(by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?


After having their 11th child, a South Carolina couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide).

So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in South Carolina), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The South Carolinian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from South Carolina.

This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count on his fingers, "1, 2, 3, 4, .. ..", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....


Heartwarming.........
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."


Angels
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When she returned, she told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not." He thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion," So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned she went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them. . ..give them a little something to help them keep going.

** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
** Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
** Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
** Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
** Why is a boxing ring square?
** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
** Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
** Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
** Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
** Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
** Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
** Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
And of course, my all-time favorite: Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Bathing the cat...
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so he cannot escape). CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANY SURFACE THEY CAN FIND. NOTE: THE CAT WILL SELF AGITATE AND MAKE AMPLE SUDS. NEVER MIND THE NOISES THAT COME FROM THE TOILET, THE CAT IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING THIS.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can. Quickly lift both lids.
8. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
THE DOG


WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
ANSWER: BREAD.... IF YOU SAID "TOAST" THEN GIVE UP NOW AND GO FIND YOURSELF A SHOE BOX TO LIVE IN, AS YOU CAN'T HANDLE LIFE....IF YOU SAID "BREAD" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ON TO QUESTION 2.
(Q2) SAY "SILK" 5 TIMES, NOW SPELL "SILK".....WHAT DO COWS DRINK?
ANSWER: "WATER" IF YOU SAID "MILK," THEN MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU DO NOT TRY THE NEXT QUESTION, AS IT MAY SEEM THAT YOUR BRAIN CELL IS OVER-TAXED! YOU NEED A HOLIDAY...MAY I SUGGEST KID'S WORLD? >IF YOU SAID "WATER" THEN YOU MAY GO ONTO QUESTION 3
(Q3) IF A RED HOUSE IS MADE FROM RED BRICKS, A BLUE HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLUE BRICKS, A PINK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF PINK BRICKS, A BLACK HOUSE IS MADE OUT OF BLACK BRICKS.... WHAT IS A GREEN HOUSE MADE OUT OF?
ANSWER: "GLASS" IF YOU SAID "GREEN BRICKS" THEN WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE READING THESE QUESTIONS!!! >IF YOU SAID "GLASS" THEN PLEASE PROGRESS ONTO QUESTION 4
Q4) 20 YEARS AGO A PLANE IS FLYING AT 20,000 FT, OVER THE OLD COUNTRY GERMANY WHEN 2 OF THE ENGINES FAIL, THE PILOT REALIZING THAT THE LAST REMAINING ENGINE WAS FAILING, HE DECIDES A CRASH LANDING PROCEDURE. BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THE ENGINE FAILS BEFORE TIME AND THE PLANE CRASHES SMACK BANG IN THE MIDDLE OF "NO MANS LAND" THE LAND BETWEEN EAST GERMANY AND WEST GERMANY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BERLIN WALL, ..... WHERE WOULD YOU BURY THE SURVIVORS: EAST GERMANY, WEST GERMANY OR IN "NO MANS LAND"?
ANSWER: YOU DON'T BURY "SURVIVORS" . IF YOU SAID ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN PLEASE NEVER FLY, YOU MAY CAUSE MORE DAMAGE SHOULD THE PLANE CRASH!!! IF YOU SAID THE SENTENCE ABOVE THEN CARRY ON TO QUESTION 5 .
Q5) IF ON A CLOCK THE HOUR HAND MOVES 1/60th OF A DEGREE EVERY MINUTE THEN HOW MANY DEGREES WILL THE HOUR HAND TRAVEL IN 1 HOUR?
ANSWER: "1 DEGREE" IF YOU SAID "360 DEGREES", OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE ANSWER, MAY I CONGRATULATE YOU ON GETTING THIS FAR...BUT BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE LAST AND FINAL QUESTION? IF YOU SAID "1 DEGREE" THEN PLEASE GO ON TO THE LAST QUESTION .
6) **WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR** YOU ARE DRIVING A BUS FROM LONDON TO MILFORD HAVEN (WALES) IN LONDON 17 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS, IN READING 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 9 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWINDON 2 PEOPLE GET OFF, 4 PEOPLE GET ON, IN CARDIFF 11 PEOPLE GET OFF, 16 PEOPLE GET ON, IN SWANSEA 3 PEOPLE GET OFF, 5 PEOPLE GET ON IN ARMARTHEN, 6 PEOPLE GET OFF, 3 PEOPLE GET ON THE BUS THEN PULLS INTO MILFORD HAVEN BUS DEPOT..... WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUS DRIVER?
ANSWER: "YOUR NAME" (Read the first sentence of the question again).
SOOOOOOOOO, how did YOU do???


Actual newspaper ads!
Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES
/center> 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER -
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING
AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY
$7 -- $9 PER HOUR.
-------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
-------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
-------------------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
---------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything


THE BEVERLY HILLS BOBBITS
Come listen to a story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with his little wanker gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend, Tossed him out the window as she went around a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, They called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart for long, So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny pee'd. Whizzed, that is. Straight stream. Even seam. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now , ya hear?????

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then, apologizing for my rudeness , I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"


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