The Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in
a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to
give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes
and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the
angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their
faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
"Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down! and I'll crap on its head."
Top 10 Places to have sex:
1. In your bed
2. In your parents bed
3. In his car
4. On a washing machine, while running 5. In a hot tub
6. On a beach, down in the sand
7. On a comfy couch with the TV on
8. On a waterbed
9. A plane bathroom
**10.In the rain**
Top 10 Places NOT to have sex 1. In the movies
2. In a car... WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING!
3. In front of all of your friends
4. In a phonebooth
5. In your best friend's bed
6. At Grandma's house
7. At school
8. In your dirty basement
9.In the street
**10.ON-LINE**
~
Top three things to say before having sex:
1. I love you (but only if you mean it)
2. Rock my world
3. Let's get ready to RUMBLE...
~
Top three things NOT to say before having sex:
1. Is this gunna hurt?
2. Sure....I've done this thousands of times...
3. Are you sure it's on there?
Top 3 things to say after sex:
1. Are you sure this was you're first time?
2. Gotta cigarette?
3. Wanna do it again?
Top 3 things NOT to say after sex:
1. That was IT??
2. I think I hear my mom calling me ---- see ya
3. OOPS, the condom broke! My bad!
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" "Touchdown. I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7." Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says Touchdown, tie score." The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can't fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man shits the bed. The wife asks, "What in the hell was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time . . . switch sides.
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it
was okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that during the
first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester
they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were
limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
Moving to Vegas
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
For all the men who like to send blonde jokes.....the
paybacks are here!
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take
to do the dishes? Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road? He heard the
chicken was a slut.
3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one
egg? They won't
stop and ask for directions.
4. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future? He buys
two cases of beer.
5. What is the difference between men and government
bonds? The bonds
eventually will mature.
6. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember
them.
7. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper? We
don't know. It has never happened.
8. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good
looking? They all already have boyfriends.
9. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every
night? A widow.
10. When do you care for a man's company? When he owns
it.
11. Why are married women usually heavier than single
women? Single
women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed, married
women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the
fridge.
12. How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Tape the
remote control
between his toes.
13. What did God say after creating man? "I must be
able to do better
than THAT!".
14. What did God say after creating Eve? "Practice
makes perfect".
15. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in
common? They're all married.
16. Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful? "God
says, "So you would love her." "But God," the man
says, "why did you
make her so dumb? "God says, "So she would love you!".
This aint a Joke its a poemRemember the five simple rules to be happy.
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
No one can go back and make a brand new start.
Anyone can start from now and make a brandnew ending.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter with sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Disappointments are like road bumps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the bumps too long. Move on!
When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God has thought of something better to give you.
When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.
You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.
We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.
Never abandon an old friend. You will never find one who can take their place. Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.
~~Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly~~
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry",
said the first one. "Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly
down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat
no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the
tree," said the first one. "Me neither, let's just lay here and
bask in the warm sun", said the second. "OK" said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
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