HOW OLD IS TOO OLD?
Charlie had a beautiful body; he lifted weights and jogged six miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body, he noticed that he was sun-tanned all over his body, with the exception of his penis, which he decided to do something about. He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it with her cane, remarking to the other lady, “There is no justice in the would”. What do you mean by that?” asked the second lady. The first old lady said, “Look at that…
When I was 20 – I was curious about it.When I was 30 – I enjoyed it.When I was 40 – I asked for it.When I was 50 – I paid for it.When I was 60 – I prayed for it.When I was 70 – I forgot about it.And no that I’m 80 – The damn things are growing wild and I am too old to squat!!!!!”
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!" When they were close enough,the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet
revenge." And the female agreed to this. So they each took a deep breath of air,swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship
flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still
alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!" That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no...I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."
Subject: Re: Woman Gets The Job Done
CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 Revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat
him to death with the chair."
The HORSE and the CHICKEN
One day a horse and a chicken were playing in the meadow. In the middle of the meadow there was a mud hole. While wildly running around, the horse fell into the mud hole and became stuck. He spied the chicken nearby and called for help. "Hey, chicken, I'm stuck in the mud hole. Go to the farmers house for help!!" yelled the horse. The chicken took off and ran to the farm house, but the farmer was not home. The chicken saw the farmer's Mercedes in the driveway and decided
to drive it out to the meadow to save the horse. The chicken grabbed a coil of rope, hopped into the Mercedes and drove out to the meadow. Once there, he tied one end of the rope to the Mercedes and tossed the other end to the horse. The chicken hopped back in the Mercedes and pulled the horse from the mud. The horse was very grateful. He said, "Thanks chicken, if you ever need anything you can count on me." The chicken replied, "No problem, horse", and both went their separate ways. A few weeks later, the horse and the chicken were once again playing in the meadow. This time the chicken fell into the mud hole and became stuck. "Hey, horse!!", called the chicken "I'm stuck, go to the farmers house for help!!" The horse came over to the mud hole and looked things over.
"I think I can get you out without any help" said the horse. He carefully straddled the mud hole and said to the chicken, "You know what to grab for." The chicken looked up and saw what was hanging below the horse, he thought "What the heck?" and grabbed hold and pulled himself free of the mud.
The moral of this story is: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!!!!
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight! What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends... What's "68"? You do me and I owe you one. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged! What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything! How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out! What's the definition of a vagina? The box a penis comes in. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? Nice Dick!" What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for Twats. Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop? What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in...definitely! Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary! What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both used as a meat substitute. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts. What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Two Mennonite How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire. Why is sex like a game of bridge? You don't need a partner if you've got a good hand. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? Gladiator! Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? Sperm is handmade. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a
single
roll
of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely
nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and
hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!
Subject: another blonde joke
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend for a bowling tournament in Atlantic City.The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top,she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.The brunette says, "What's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't
born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said
"Come on over, there's nobody home,"
I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she called
me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ...
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...
"Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early,"
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ...
put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up
my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid........When I played
in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never
breast fed me. She told me that she only liked
me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...My father carries around the
picture...of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the
waiting room and said to my father........ I'm
very sorry.......We did everything we could......But
he pulled through.
! I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....
...AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said
he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, and asked him
to help me
find
my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find
them? He
said.
"I don't know kid..there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people
kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel
like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said
"I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have
a few drinks and get some rest.
A Guy and girl meet at the bar and are instantly attracted to
each other. They Party all night, and at the end decide to go
back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate
and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds
the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers, waiting
for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his
shorts on. He reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out a magic
marker and hands it to her.
She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for? Are you
some kinda pervert?"
He looks at her, drops his shorts and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief
at his johnson which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
He breaks her spell by saying, "Your gonna have to draw a line
somewhere, baby."
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