SCENE: Mr. Steinmetz announcing 2gether on outdoor stage. The boys are wearing blue "janitor" outfits
 

 
MR STEINMETZ: Thank you all for coming out today to the grand opening of our 10,000th Steinmetz copy center.
 
JERRY: Check it out, dude.
 
QT: Big deal. Look.
 
[Signs say, "QT, Take My Liver!" and "QT, You Complete Me"]
 
CHAD: Mickey's gotten more than any of us. [Guys holding signs that say 'Westside gym salutes Mickey Parke' and 'Mickey P Up in This']
 
MR STEINMETZ: So here they are to kick us off, the pride of What-Ev Records, the only known obsiduary of Steinmetz conglomerates, 2gether!
 
[The boys perform "Right Where It Counts". The boys stare as Mickey gets a little prevocative in front of the guys holding signs.]
 
 
 
[Themesong]
 
 
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Backstage, the boys are getting back into their normal clothes.
 

 
QT: Where'd Chad go?
 
DOUG: Uh, the kid's got a thing for copying machines.
 
MICKEY: Yo, you guys see the Mickey Parke fan club? Man, those dudes were ripped! They must be, like, pro wrestlers or sumthin'!
 
JERRY: Yeah, I'm guessing 'or something'.
 
MICKEY: Yeah, maybe me and the boys could go out. Cruise for some chicks. Yeah! Yeah!
 
[Leaves the room]
 
DOUG: [Laughs with QT] He had no idea those guys were gay!
 
JERRY: Wait a minute. Why does he get all the gay fans? I mean I do ab crunches, I take care of my hair.
 
QT: Hey. If I were gay, I'd get any guy, anytime.
 
DOUG: You guys get all the chicks! Alteast leave me some dudes.
 
 
 
SCENE: Chad in the Steinmetz copy center
 
CHAD: [to guy at counter] 20 copies please. [Puts folded dollar bills on counter.]
 
GARY: Of what?
 
CHAD: Anything!
 
GARY: Maybe you should fill out a job application.
 
CHAD: I don't need a job, I'm-I'm in 2gether.
 
GARY: Oh, and I'm a loser because I do need a job? 8 months from now, you'll be back begging.
 
CHAD: 8 months?
 
GARY: That's how long a boyband lasts. Remember LFO?
 
CHAD: Who?
 
GARY: Exactly. And just like them, you'll have no job skills when it all comes crashing down on you. You'll die poor and miserable.
 
 
 
SCENE: Chad and Doug's bedroom at night. The boys are in their bunkbeds.
 
CHAD: [Lying awake, then poking Doug with hockey stick] Doug! Doug are you awake?
 
DOUG: [Talking in his sleep] Alana please, please. Oh for God sakes, I'm a man. I've got needs!
 
CHAD: Doug, it's your brother Chad. [Doug Awakens] I have an imortant question to ask you.
 
DOUG: Chad? What is it?
 
CHAD: Who is LFO?
 
DOUG: Oh, some '90s boyband. They went the way of our folks, dead and dead.
 
CHAD: Is 2gether gonna end up like them?
 
DOUG: Heck no! We're gonna go on forever, makin' hits and gettin' chicks, just like Elvis!
 
CHAD: Awesome! [Sits back relieved.] Doug?
 
DOUG: Yeah?
 
CHAD: Who's Elvis?
 
DOUG: Oh, some fat rockstar who collapsed on his toilet seat and died.
 
[Chad looks frightened]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Mickey laying outside in a white towel, mouthing a song, while Violet, the chest-waxer, gets ready to wax his chest.
 
MICKEY: Ow! Damn!
 
VIOLET: Oh, sorry, is that too hot for you?
 
MICKEY: It's always too hot wit'chyou around, girl! Heh heh.
 
VIOLET: Ha ha. You know, none of you 2gether boys really needs a chest-wax.
 
MICKEY: Well the label makes us. Besides, I wanna look like my man Stone Cold Steve Austin. Ah heh. Super tough and all waxed up!
 
VIOLET: You're gonna have to do a few more push-ups before you look like Stone Cold.
 
MICKEY: Well, maybe I'll push up onto you! [Violet rips wax strip from his chest]
 
MICKEY: Ow, damn, woman!
 
 
 
SCENE: Chad and the guy from Steinmetz (GARY) sitting at kid's table of the copy center, Chad doing a job interview with fake facial hair.
 
GARY: So, tell me, Mr. Sidious, why are you the right person for our company?
 
CHAD: Because I don't wanna die on a toilet!
 
GARY: I see...It says here you once worked as secretary of agriculture.
 
CHAD: Well, that was more of an after-school job. But what I really wanna do, is make copies!
 
GARY: Good, good. So tell me, Darth. Do you have any skills that would qualify you as copier slash collator?
 
CHAD: Uh, I can make kick-ass laser noises! Like this: [makes noises]
 
GARY: Are you sure you have what it takes to do this job?
 
CHAD: I could work for nothing!
 
GARY: Well, that's what it takes. Congratulations!
 
[They shake hands]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Mickey and Doug are sitting at the kitchen island, watching Violet outside.
 
MICKEY: I can't believe wax girl's in front of me like this. I'm the joint, she's the bomb. Why can't we just get it on?
 
DOUG: Mick, I'm gonna tell you about Doug's rules of romantical knowledge. I know how to woo the ladies!
 
MICKEY: [laughs] Man, you couldn't even woo your own wife!
 
DOUG: I wooed her, I just couldn't keep her.
 
MICKEY: So, how do you get 'em?
 
DOUG: Well, first, you hafta say, "I'm sorry".
 
MICKEY: For what?!
 
DOUG: Doesn't matter! A woman loves a man who's sorry. And if you don't now what for, she'll tell you.
 
MICKEY: That is wack, man!
 
DOUG: Do you want to get Violet or not?
 
[Now out on the patio]
 

 
MICKEY: I just wanted to say I'm sorry for, you know...heh heh...
 
VIOLET: Being such a jerk before?
 
MICKEY: Exactly! Let me make it up to you. A movie, or somethin'.
 
VIOLET: Um, I guess.
 
MICKEY: [Towards Doug] Yeah, Dou-I mean, yeah.
 
[Mickey walks back inside, Jerry comes out and hops onto the table to get waxed]
 

 
VIOLET: Man, gay guys can be so moody.
 
JERRY: How so?
 
VIOLET: Look, you don't have to cover for your pal. I do surf the internet.
 
JERRY: What are you talking about?
 
VIOLET: Everybody knows Mickey's gay. Nobody would act that macho unless they were covering.
 
[Jerry laughs, you see through the window that Mickey is on his way out, alarmed that Jerry's laughter might be flirting]
 

 
JERRY: Let me tell you something about Mickey. Mickey is-
 
[Mickey arrives]
 

 
MICKEY: Excuse me, Madam, but uh, I need to speak to my boy Jerold here for just a second. Come on.
 
[Mickey takes Jerry inside to talk]
 

 
MICKEY: Quit hittin' on my lady.
 
JERRY: Mickey, I was just explain to this girl-
 
MICKEY: Uh uh!!! I am not interested in girls, Mr. Jealous O'Keefe.
 
JERRY: [laughing] But Mick, she...
 
MICKEY: No! Alright? A girl is someone who makes tapes for him. A girl someone who follows a highschool sweetheart out to L.A. What I'm interested in is that fine piece of chicken out there. Mmm...mmm mmm.
 
JERRY: Whatever you say.
 
MICKEY: You damn right. [Jerry goes back outside with Violet, and jumps back onto the table]
 
VIOLET: So what were you going to tell me about Mickey? He is gay, right?
 
JERRY: Mickey says it himself, he is not interested in girls.
 
VIOLET: That's what I thought.
 
[Jerry gives a thumbs up to Mickey through the window, Mickey gives a thumbs up and makes an 'OK' sign and laughs]
 
[COMMERCIAL]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: In 2G's living room area, it's dark, and Doug is lighting candles, Mickey standing nearby. They're getting ready for Mickey's date with Violet.
 
MICKEY: Doug! You think these funky-ass candles are gonna win her over?
 
DOUG: Trust me. It says I'm spiritual, yet I'd like to hump.
 
[Doorbell rings]
 

 
MICKEY: Oh, that's her. I can't go through with this, man!
 
DOUG: Just remember my rules.
 
MICKEY: Right. Candles, chick flick, pretend to listen.
 
DOUG: And?
 
MICKEY: [smiles] I love those shoes.
 
DOUG: Ha ha! You da man!
 
MICKEY: Yeah!
 
DOUG: Now, if you have any trouble, I'll be right in the next room masterbating.
 
[Mickey laughs, and heads towards the door. Once he gets there, he gets ready and clears his throat. He opens the door.]
 

 
MICKEY: Hey, girl! Heh heh.
 
VIOLET: Hey, Mickey.
 
[They hug]
 

 
MICKEY: Come on. Heh heh. [He pulls away to look at her shoes] I love those shoes!
 
VIOLET: Well, if I take 'em off, promise me you won't wear 'em?
 
MICKEY: Ooh, I ain't promisin' nothin' tonight. Heh heh.
 
[Violet laughs, and walks off before Mickey]
 

 
MICKEY: [To self, as he's checking her out] Damn!
 
 
 
SCENE: In the copy center, Garyis showing Chad the copying machine.
 
CHAD: Oh!
 
GARY: Steinmetz 800 i. Gotta treat it like a fine woman. Like a kick ass trans-am, you know? I want you to read this manual, by the end of the weekend, I want you to know all of her secrets.
 
CHAD: I won't let you down!
 
[Gary leaves the room, Chad looks at the manual for a second, then puts it down]
 
[Chad plays with the machine, pressing his face against it while making weird expressions, making copies]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Back in 2G's living room with Mickey and Violet. They're on the couch watching a movie.
 
MICKEY: So, you enjoyin' My Best Friend's Weddin'?
 
VIOLET: I love it. You?
 
MICKEY: Oh, it's one of my favorites.
 
VIOLET: Do you think Rupert Everett's hot?
 
MICKEY: Uh?
 
VIOLET: Word is, he gets tons of action.
 
MICKEY: Well, any dude who gets tons of action is a man after my own.
 
VIOLET: Did you see that movie he did with Madonna?
 
MICKEY: No I didn't. But I will tell you one thing, Madonna is one fine lookin' lady!
 
VIOLET: You're so predictable.
 
MICKEY: Ah heh.
 
VIOLET: Such a relief. Most guys I meet just see me as a screw target. MICEKY: [Gasps] That's terrible!
 
VIOLET: But you and I, we never have to worry about sex, 'cause you're my bud. I have to go to the washroom.
 
[Mickey grunts as he turns off the TV and rushes to Doug's bedroom window. He knocks.]
 

 
MICKEY: Doug, getcha ass out here. [Doug opens the window. He's all sweaty and his hair is messy.]
 
DOUG: Yeah?
 
MICKEY: What the hell are you doin' in there, man?
 
DOUG: I was...reading.
 
MICKEY: Get this. I'm hangin' out with her, right? And she's all into me, and I'm just about to do my thing, and then she says she just wants to be my bud.
 
DOUG: Okay, stay calm. Maybe I wen-I went a little too far with the candles and the chick-flicks.
 
MICKEY: [Nods] Yeah.
 
DOUG: But you gotta let her know you mean sex.
 
MICKEY: Sex. Oh, she's coming, she's coming, she's com...
 
[He runs back to the couch]
 

 
DOUG: [Yells] Make your move!
 
[Violet walks back over and sits on the couch with Mickey, who's trying to be hot]
 

 
VIOLET: Wanna finish the movie?
 
MICKEY: I was thinking that maybe we could just [jumps behind the couch], you know, hang out a little bit. [He starts rubbing Violet's shoulders]
 
VIOLET: Mmm. That's feels good.
 
[Mickey continues rubbing her shoulders, and smiles]
 

 
VIOLET: Mmm, so good. Mmm.
 
MICKEY: [In a soft voice] You wanna go up to my room and mess around a little bit? Violet? [Softer] You wanna get busy? Violet? [Louder] Violet?
 
[Mickey sees that Violet has fallen asleep]
 

 
MICKEY: Damn.
 
[Mickey comes back in front of the couch, gently lays her head down on a pillow, covers her up with a blanket, and kisses her on the cheek.]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Copy center. QT is running an erand, and Chad is still working in disquise.
 
[QT walks up to the counter]
 

 
QT: Hi! Do you do enlargements? Chad? Is that you? [laughing]
 
CHAD: Chad is not me. He's in 2gether, right?
 
QT: What are you doing here?
 
CHAD: I work here at night now, QT! Check this out!
 
[In another room, showing QT his book of copies of his face]
 

 
QT: Cool. I guess.
 
CHAD: It's a job skill. I've learned a whole bunch of cool new job skills.
 
[Turns around and shoots 3 staples out of a staple gun]
 

 
QT: Lemme try.
 
[QT shoots a staple at a company poster of a smiley-face. The staple lands where a nose would be. They laugh.]
 

 
CHAD: Funny!
 
[The boys go over to the colored paper and throw it up in the air]
 

 
QT: This job rocks!
 
[QT throws the staple gun, it lands on the copier. Glass breaks, blue light flashes. The boys stare in awe.]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Kitchen. Jerry and Doug are eating breakfast at the table, Mickey is near the fridge.
 
[Mickey grabs a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi from the fridge]
 
JERRY: What's up lady killer?
 
DOUG: You get any action last night?
 
MICKEY: [sits down at table] She fell asleep. I said good-bye to her this morning.
 
JERRY: She didn't put out for Mickey P? I am shocked!
 
MICKEY: Mickey P didn't strike out! I mean, look, don't tell anybody this, but I ended up havin' a good time last night, just me and her chillin' on the couch talkin'. We're goin' out again, too. And we're gonna have a movie together.
 
JERRY: Mick, there's something I gotta tell ya...Violet, she um...she thinks you're gay.
 
DOUG: [spits out cereal] Are you serious?! [Laughing]
 
MICKEY: I'm straiter than all a'ya'll put together!
 
JERRY: I'm not makin' this up, she told me. Apparently there's this big rumor on the internet.
 
MICKEY: But you told her different, right? Right? Thanks, cracker. Punk! [Gets up]
 
[Mickey leaves]
 

 
JERRY: What a jerk.
 
DOUG: Ah, hey man, he's just mad, that's all.
 
JERRY: No, I meant me.
 
 
 
SCENE: QT and Chad are over at the copying machine.
 
CHAD: I suck at my job.
 
QT: Dude, this isn't your job. Your job is singing. And dancing. And making girls cry!
 
CHAD: But what if no one wants me to sing and dance anymore?
 
QT: You should do whatcha love.
 
CHAD: You're right! I like office supplies, but I don't love 'em! Let's get outta here! [The boys leave, and the camera shows the copier all taped up with rubber bands and clips on it]
 
 
 
SCENE: Nighttime in 2g's house. Mickey is running down the bedroom hallway and past the kitchen to the computer.
 
[Mickey goes on Yahoo! and searches MICKEY PARKE GAY. There are 647,450 results. He opens the first one, mickeycancan.com]
 

 
MICKEY: No. [The website loads. It shows him with cartoon sailor guys doing the can-can. ] Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Damn! [Doug opens his bedroom window. He has lotion in his hands.]
 
MICKEY: [Typing rapidly on keys] Damn!
 
DOUG: Mickey! What's goin' on?
 
MICKEY: Doug! I'm gay!
 
[Doug looks blown away. Mickey whimpers, disappointed. He rests his head in his hand.]
 
 
COMMERCIAL
 
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Doug, QT, Chad, and Jerry are hanging out in the living room. Doug is just catching a ball when Liz, the senior VP of What-Ev Records walks in.
 
LIZ: Howdy, guys! Did you hear the news? N2N has a new meber. And get this. He's Blapanese
 
CHAD: What's Blapanese?
 
LIZ: African Asian American. Which means, N2N has covered that demographic. It'-It's so new Milennium, so Tiger Woods!
 
DOUG: Well, we could give QT a pigment transplant.
 
[Chad pokes QT, QT looks annoyed]
 

 
LIZ: [Lauging] No, silly billies! But it would be great if someone in 2gether would, oh I donno, become crippled, or declare themselves Muslim, or...
 
[Mickey walks down hallway from his room into the livingroom wearing a leather vest and short jean shorts]
 

 
LIZ: Come out of the closet! Mickey, I am so proud of you!
 
MICKEY: Proud of me for what?!
 
DOUG: For that outfit! Gay leather really matches your eyes!
 
MICKEY: Whatch'you mean gay?!
 
JERRY: Leave him alone, Doug.
 
MICKEY: This is a top vest. Stone Cold Steve Austin wears this vest. You gonna call him gay?
 
CHAD: Not to his face.
 
MICKEY: That's right. Mickey P's strait as hell! Maybe I need like a hat or somethin'. Damn.
 
[Mickey goes back to his room]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Mickey arriving for his date with Violet at the movie theater.
 
MICKEY: [Getting past people in their seats] Get outta my damn way, move that soda pop, Gay Bait. [Hits guy's knee with his rolled up magazine]
 
VIOLET: Hey Mickey. Love the outfit. You practically got both feet out of the closet.
 
MICKEY: I never was in the closet, woman. I'm strait!
 
VIOLET: What is with you tonight?
 
MICKEY: [Opens his magazine] Nothin'. Just bein' a man. Strait man.
 
VIOLET: Strait, huh? I liked you a lot better when you were gay!
 
MICKEY: Oh yeah? Well, how's this for gay? Those shoes you got on: they suck ass!
 
VIOLET: Yeah, well, no need be bitchy!
 
MICKEY: [Yells] I'm not gay!
 
['Shh!' from crowd]
 

 
VIOLET: Work out your issues on your own time. Goodbye Mickey, it's been weird! [Gets up and leaves]
 
MICKEY: [Gets up and yells towards Violet] Mickey Parke, heterosexual!
 
['Shh!' from crowd. 'Hey!']
 
[Mickey sits down and puts his head in his hands, looking down]
 
 
 
 
SCENE: Mickey in his livingroom, still with his head in his hands, looking down.
 
[Liz enters]
 

 
LIZ: Yoohoo, Mickey! The publicity train keeps a'rollin'!
 
MICKEY: Leave my ass alone.
 
LIZ: Guess who I have here?! A reporter from E! News Daily. They wanna do a piece on you!
 
MICKEY: Why?
 
LIZ: Because, you came out of the closet! Here, read this speech, and 2gether will conquer another market nitch!
 
MICKEY: Ah heh. Yeah, whatever...
 
[E! News theme song plays, a reporter is on-screen as well as a picture of Mickey.]
 

 
REPORTER: Many of you have heard whispers that Mickey Parke of the boyband 2gether is a homosexual just waiting to emerge from the closet. We sent our E! News Daily staff over to his house to find out what's up.
 
[Mickey is on camera, he begins to read paper Liz handed him]
 

 
MICKEY: Hi. I'm Mickey Parke of 2gether. As a gay man, and a gay art-yo, I can't read this! Here's the dilly. A few nights ago, I found out I was a gay man. At first, it made me wanna puke, but as I look back on it, I realize something. That I was a better man gay then I ever was strait. You see, when Mickey Parke starts acting all strait and hard, he let's people down. And, uh, I'm sorry for that. That's all I gots to say. Oh. [Laughs] Except, I want you all to know I still like chicks! I am gay, but I'm gay for women.
 
 
 
SCENE: 2gether's entryway, doorbell rings. Mickey answers it, it's Violet
 

 
VIOLET: So here's what I know. I know you're not gay. I know you said some really sweet things on TV. And I know you're trying to be less of a jerk.
 
MICKEY: Yeah, that's all true.
 
VIOLET: But what I don't know is more important than any of that.
 
MICKEY: And what's that?
 
VIOLET: Do you really think my shoes suck?
 
MICKEY: [Laughs] Well, they-they did kinda look ugly with your blouse.
 
VIOLET: Talk about ugly shoes, those things are as white as you are!
 
MICKEY: What?! Yo, these kicks rock!
 
VIOLET: Well, there's only one thing to do about that.
 
MICKEY: And what's that?
 
VIOLET: Let's go shoe shopping.
 
MICKEY: [Laughs] After you.
 
 
 
SCENE: E! News Daily news brief featuring the 2G guys, etc
 
[E! theme song]
 

 
DOUG: [Onscreen, caption says 'Doug Linus, 2ge+her Lard'] I wanna support Mickey's right to be strait. After all, isn't that what this country's all about? The right to be part of an overwhelming majority?
 
JERRY: [Onscreen, caption says 'Jerry O'Keefe, 2ge+her Throb'] So, Mickey isn't gay, but if you're gay and a fan of Mickey's, please continue to buy our tapes and CDs, and rip our songs off the web.
 
CHAD: [Onscreen, caption says 'Chad Linus, Former Copier/Collator'] I don't know much about gay people, but I do know about singing and dancing and making girls cry!
 
GARY: [Onscreen, caption says 'Gary Lorg, Copier/Collator'] I know for a fact that you can fool around with eleven guys and not be gay. [Guilty look on his face]
 
QT: [Onscreen, caption says 'Jason "QT" McKnight, Cutie Pie'] I've got a secret. Everyone in 2gether is gay. Except for me ladies. And I got time for all of you! [Flirts]
 
[TV music plays, episode ends]