SCENE:
Mr. Steinmetz announcing 2gether on outdoor stage. The boys are wearing
blue "janitor" outfits
MR STEINMETZ: Thank you all for coming out
today to the grand opening of our 10,000th Steinmetz copy center.
JERRY: Check it out, dude.
QT: Big deal. Look.
[Signs say, "QT, Take My Liver!" and "QT, You Complete Me"]
CHAD: Mickey's gotten more than any of us.
[Guys holding signs that say 'Westside gym salutes Mickey Parke' and
'Mickey P Up in This']
MR STEINMETZ: So here they are to kick us
off,
the pride of What-Ev Records,
the only known obsiduary of Steinmetz conglomerates, 2gether!
[The boys perform "Right Where It Counts". The boys stare as Mickey
gets a little prevocative in front of the guys holding signs.]
[Themesong]
SCENE:
Backstage, the boys are getting back into their normal clothes.
QT: Where'd Chad go?
DOUG: Uh, the kid's got a thing for copying
machines.
MICKEY: Yo, you guys see the Mickey Parke
fan
club? Man, those dudes were ripped! They must be, like, pro wrestlers
or
sumthin'!
JERRY: Yeah, I'm guessing 'or something'.
MICKEY: Yeah, maybe me and the boys could go
out. Cruise for some chicks. Yeah! Yeah!
[Leaves the room]
DOUG: [Laughs with QT] He had no idea
those guys were gay!
JERRY: Wait a minute. Why does he get all
the
gay fans? I mean I do ab crunches, I take care of my hair.
QT: Hey. If I were gay, I'd get any guy,
anytime.
DOUG: You guys get all the chicks! Alteast
leave me some dudes.
SCENE:
Chad in the Steinmetz copy center
CHAD: [to guy at counter] 20 copies
please. [Puts folded dollar bills on counter.]
GARY: Of what?
CHAD: Anything!
GARY: Maybe you should fill out a job
application.
CHAD: I don't need a job, I'm-I'm in
2gether.
GARY: Oh, and I'm a loser because I do need
a
job? 8 months from now, you'll be back begging.
CHAD: 8 months?
GARY: That's how long a boyband lasts.
Remember
LFO?
CHAD: Who?
GARY: Exactly. And just like them, you'll
have
no job skills when it all comes crashing down on you. You'll die poor
and
miserable.
SCENE:
Chad and Doug's bedroom at night. The boys are in their bunkbeds.
CHAD: [Lying awake, then poking Doug with
hockey stick] Doug! Doug are you awake?
DOUG: [Talking in his sleep] Alana
please, please. Oh for God sakes, I'm a man. I've got needs!
CHAD: Doug, it's your brother Chad.
[Doug
Awakens] I have an imortant question to ask you.
DOUG: Chad? What is it?
CHAD: Who is LFO?
DOUG: Oh, some '90s boyband. They went the
way
of our folks, dead and dead.
CHAD: Is 2gether gonna end up like them?
DOUG: Heck no! We're gonna go on forever,
makin' hits and gettin' chicks, just like Elvis!
CHAD: Awesome! [Sits back relieved.]
Doug?
DOUG: Yeah?
CHAD: Who's Elvis?
DOUG: Oh, some fat rockstar who collapsed on
his toilet seat and died.
[Chad looks frightened]
SCENE:
Mickey laying outside in a white towel, mouthing a song, while Violet,
the chest-waxer, gets ready to wax his chest.
MICKEY: Ow! Damn!
VIOLET: Oh, sorry, is that too hot for you?
MICKEY: It's always too hot wit'chyou
around,
girl! Heh heh.
VIOLET: Ha ha. You know, none of you 2gether
boys really needs a chest-wax.
MICKEY: Well the label makes us. Besides, I
wanna look like my man Stone Cold Steve Austin. Ah heh. Super tough and
all waxed up!
VIOLET: You're gonna have to do a few more
push-ups before you look like Stone Cold.
MICKEY: Well, maybe I'll push up onto you!
[Violet rips wax strip from his chest]
MICKEY: Ow, damn, woman!
SCENE:
Chad and the guy from Steinmetz (GARY) sitting at kid's table of the
copy
center, Chad doing a job interview with fake facial hair.
GARY: So, tell me, Mr. Sidious, why are you
the
right person for our company?
CHAD: Because I don't wanna die on a toilet!
GARY: I see...It says here you once worked
as
secretary of agriculture.
CHAD: Well, that was more of an after-school
job. But what I really wanna do, is make copies!
GARY: Good, good. So tell me, Darth. Do you
have any skills that would qualify you as copier slash collator?
CHAD: Uh, I can make kick-ass laser noises!
Like this: [makes noises]
GARY: Are you sure you have what it takes to
do
this job?
CHAD: I could work for nothing!
GARY: Well, that's what it takes.
Congratulations!
[They shake hands]
SCENE:
Mickey and Doug are sitting at the kitchen island, watching Violet
outside.
MICKEY: I can't believe wax girl's in front
of
me like this.
I'm the joint, she's the bomb. Why can't we just get it on?
DOUG: Mick, I'm gonna tell you about Doug's
rules of romantical knowledge. I know how to woo the ladies!
MICKEY: [laughs] Man, you couldn't
even
woo your own wife!
DOUG: I wooed her, I just couldn't keep her.
MICKEY: So, how do you get 'em?
DOUG: Well, first, you hafta say, "I'm
sorry".
MICKEY: For what?!
DOUG: Doesn't matter! A woman loves a man
who's
sorry. And if you don't now what for, she'll tell you.
MICKEY: That is wack, man!
DOUG: Do you want to get Violet or not?
[Now out on the patio]
MICKEY: I just wanted to say I'm sorry for,
you
know...heh heh...
VIOLET: Being such a jerk before?
MICKEY: Exactly! Let me make it up to you. A
movie, or somethin'.
VIOLET: Um, I guess.
MICKEY: [Towards Doug] Yeah, Dou-I
mean,
yeah.
[Mickey walks back inside, Jerry comes out and hops onto the table
to
get waxed]
VIOLET: Man, gay guys can be so moody.
JERRY: How so?
VIOLET: Look, you don't have to cover for
your
pal. I do surf the internet.
JERRY: What are you talking about?
VIOLET: Everybody knows Mickey's gay. Nobody
would act that macho unless they were covering.
[Jerry laughs, you see through the window that Mickey is on his way
out, alarmed that Jerry's laughter might be
flirting]
JERRY: Let me tell you something about
Mickey.
Mickey is-
[Mickey arrives]
MICKEY: Excuse me, Madam, but uh, I need to
speak to my boy Jerold here for just a second. Come on.
[Mickey takes Jerry inside to talk]
MICKEY: Quit hittin' on my lady.
JERRY: Mickey, I was just explain to this
girl-
MICKEY: Uh uh!!! I am not interested in
girls,
Mr. Jealous O'Keefe.
JERRY: [laughing] But Mick, she...
MICKEY: No! Alright? A girl is someone who
makes tapes for him. A girl someone who follows a highschool sweetheart
out to L.A. What I'm interested in is that fine piece of chicken out
there. Mmm...mmm mmm.
JERRY: Whatever you say.
MICKEY: You damn right.
[Jerry goes back outside with Violet, and jumps back onto the
table]
VIOLET: So what were you going to tell me
about
Mickey? He is gay, right?
JERRY: Mickey says it himself, he is not
interested in girls.
VIOLET: That's what I thought.
[Jerry gives a thumbs up to Mickey through the window, Mickey gives
a
thumbs up and makes an 'OK' sign and laughs]
[COMMERCIAL]
SCENE:
In 2G's living room area, it's dark, and Doug is lighting candles,
Mickey
standing nearby. They're getting ready for Mickey's date with
Violet.
MICKEY: Doug! You think these funky-ass
candles
are gonna win her over?
DOUG: Trust me. It says I'm spiritual, yet
I'd
like to hump.
[Doorbell rings]
MICKEY: Oh, that's her. I can't go through
with
this, man!
DOUG: Just remember my rules.
MICKEY: Right. Candles, chick flick, pretend
to
listen.
DOUG: And?
MICKEY: [smiles] I love those shoes.
DOUG: Ha ha! You da man!
MICKEY: Yeah!
DOUG: Now, if you have any trouble, I'll be
right in the next room masterbating.
[Mickey laughs, and heads towards the door. Once he gets there, he
gets
ready and clears his throat. He opens the
door.]
MICKEY: Hey, girl! Heh heh.
VIOLET: Hey, Mickey.
[They hug]
MICKEY: Come on. Heh heh. [He pulls away
to
look at her shoes] I love those shoes!
VIOLET: Well, if I take 'em off, promise me
you
won't wear 'em?
MICKEY: Ooh, I ain't promisin' nothin'
tonight.
Heh heh.
[Violet laughs, and walks off before Mickey]
MICKEY: [To self, as he's checking her
out] Damn!
SCENE:
In the copy center, Garyis showing Chad the copying machine.
CHAD: Oh!
GARY: Steinmetz 800 i. Gotta treat it like a
fine woman. Like a kick ass trans-am, you know? I want you to read
this
manual, by the end of the weekend, I want you to know all of her
secrets.
CHAD: I won't let you
down!
[Gary leaves the room, Chad looks at the manual for a second, then
puts
it down]
[Chad plays with the machine, pressing his face against it while
making
weird expressions, making copies]
SCENE:
Back in 2G's living room with Mickey and Violet. They're on the couch
watching a movie.
MICKEY: So, you enjoyin' My Best Friend's
Weddin'?
VIOLET: I love it. You?
MICKEY: Oh, it's one of my favorites.
VIOLET: Do you think Rupert Everett's hot?
MICKEY: Uh?
VIOLET: Word is, he gets tons of action.
MICKEY: Well, any dude who gets tons of
action
is a man after my own.
VIOLET: Did you see that movie he did with
Madonna?
MICKEY: No I didn't. But I will tell you one
thing, Madonna is one fine lookin' lady!
VIOLET: You're so predictable.
MICKEY: Ah heh.
VIOLET: Such a relief. Most guys I meet just
see me as a screw target.
MICEKY: [Gasps] That's terrible!
VIOLET: But you and I, we never have to
worry
about sex, 'cause you're my bud. I have to go to the
washroom.
[Mickey grunts as he turns off the TV and rushes to Doug's bedroom
window. He knocks.]
MICKEY: Doug, getcha ass out here.
[Doug opens the window. He's all sweaty and his hair is messy.]
DOUG: Yeah?
MICKEY: What the hell are you doin' in
there,
man?
DOUG: I was...reading.
MICKEY: Get this. I'm hangin' out with her,
right? And she's all into me, and I'm just about to do my thing, and
then
she says she just wants to be my bud.
DOUG: Okay, stay calm. Maybe I wen-I went a
little too far with the candles and the chick-flicks.
MICKEY: [Nods] Yeah.
DOUG: But you gotta let her know you mean
sex.
MICKEY: Sex. Oh, she's coming, she's coming,
she's com...
[He runs back to the couch]
DOUG: [Yells] Make your
move!
[Violet walks back over and sits on the couch with Mickey, who's
trying
to be hot]
VIOLET: Wanna finish the movie?
MICKEY: I was thinking that maybe we could
just
[jumps behind the couch], you know, hang out a little bit.
[He
starts rubbing Violet's shoulders]
VIOLET: Mmm. That's feels good.
[Mickey continues rubbing her shoulders, and
smiles]
VIOLET: Mmm, so good. Mmm.
MICKEY: [In a soft voice] You wanna
go
up to my room and mess around a little bit? Violet? [Softer]
You
wanna get busy? Violet? [Louder] Violet?
[Mickey sees that Violet has fallen asleep]
MICKEY: Damn.
[Mickey comes back in front of the couch, gently lays her head down
on
a pillow, covers her up with a blanket, and kisses her on the
cheek.]
SCENE:
Copy center. QT is running an erand, and Chad is still working in
disquise.
[QT walks up to the counter]
QT: Hi! Do you do enlargements? Chad? Is
that
you? [laughing]
CHAD: Chad is not me. He's in 2gether,
right?
QT: What are you doing here?
CHAD: I work here at night now, QT! Check
this
out!
[In another room, showing QT his book of copies of his face]
QT: Cool. I guess.
CHAD: It's a job skill. I've learned a whole
bunch of cool new job skills.
[Turns around and shoots 3 staples out of a staple
gun]
QT: Lemme try.
[QT shoots a staple at a company poster of a smiley-face. The staple
lands where a nose would be. They laugh.]
CHAD: Funny!
[The boys go over to the colored paper and throw it up in the
air]
QT: This job rocks!
[QT throws the staple gun, it lands on the copier. Glass breaks,
blue
light flashes. The boys stare in awe.]
SCENE:
Kitchen. Jerry and Doug are eating breakfast at the table, Mickey is
near
the fridge.
[Mickey grabs a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi from the fridge]
JERRY: What's up lady killer?
DOUG: You get any action last night?
MICKEY: [sits down at table] She fell
asleep. I said good-bye to her this morning.
JERRY: She didn't put out for Mickey P? I am
shocked!
MICKEY: Mickey P didn't strike out! I mean,
look, don't tell anybody this, but I ended up havin' a good time last
night, just me and her chillin' on the couch talkin'. We're goin' out
again, too. And we're gonna have a movie together.
JERRY: Mick, there's something I gotta tell
ya...Violet, she um...she thinks you're gay.
DOUG: [spits out cereal] Are you
serious?! [Laughing]
MICKEY: I'm straiter than all a'ya'll put
together!
JERRY: I'm not makin' this up, she told me.
Apparently there's this big rumor on the internet.
MICKEY: But you told her different, right?
Right? Thanks, cracker. Punk! [Gets up]
[Mickey leaves]
JERRY: What a jerk.
DOUG: Ah, hey man, he's just mad, that's
all.
JERRY: No, I meant me.
SCENE:
QT and Chad are over at the copying machine.
CHAD: I suck at my job.
QT: Dude, this isn't your job. Your job is
singing. And dancing. And making girls cry!
CHAD: But what if no one wants me to sing
and
dance anymore?
QT: You should do whatcha love.
CHAD: You're right! I like office supplies,
but
I don't love 'em! Let's get outta here!
[The boys leave, and the camera shows the copier all taped up with
rubber bands and clips on it]
SCENE:
Nighttime in 2g's house. Mickey is running down the bedroom hallway
and
past the kitchen to the computer.
[Mickey goes on Yahoo! and searches MICKEY
PARKE
GAY. There are 647,450 results. He opens the first one,
mickeycancan.com]
MICKEY: No. [The website loads. It shows
him
with cartoon sailor guys doing the can-can. ] Uh-uh! Uh-uh! Damn!
[Doug opens his bedroom window. He has lotion in his hands.]
MICKEY: [Typing rapidly on keys]
Damn!
DOUG: Mickey! What's goin' on?
MICKEY: Doug! I'm
gay!
[Doug looks blown away. Mickey whimpers, disappointed. He rests his
head in his hand.]
COMMERCIAL
SCENE:
Doug, QT, Chad, and Jerry are hanging out in the living room. Doug is
just catching a ball when Liz, the senior VP of What-Ev Records walks
in.
LIZ: Howdy, guys! Did you hear the news? N2N
has a new meber. And get this. He's Blapanese
CHAD: What's Blapanese?
LIZ: African Asian American. Which means,
N2N
has covered that demographic. It'-It's so new Milennium, so Tiger
Woods!
DOUG: Well, we could give QT a pigment
transplant.
[Chad pokes QT, QT looks annoyed]
LIZ: [Lauging] No, silly billies! But
it
would be great if someone in 2gether would, oh I donno, become
crippled,
or declare themselves Muslim, or...
[Mickey walks down hallway from his room into the livingroom wearing
a
leather vest and short jean shorts]
LIZ: Come out of the closet! Mickey, I am so
proud of you!
MICKEY: Proud of me for what?!
DOUG: For that outfit! Gay leather really
matches your eyes!
MICKEY: Whatch'you mean gay?!
JERRY: Leave him alone, Doug.
MICKEY: This is a top vest. Stone Cold Steve
Austin wears this vest. You gonna call him gay?
CHAD: Not to his face.
MICKEY: That's right. Mickey P's strait as
hell! Maybe I need like a hat or somethin'.
Damn.
[Mickey goes back to his room]
SCENE:
Mickey arriving for his date with Violet at the movie theater.
MICKEY: [Getting past people in their
seats] Get outta my damn way, move that soda pop, Gay Bait.
[Hits
guy's knee with his rolled up magazine]
VIOLET: Hey Mickey. Love the outfit. You
practically got both feet out of the closet.
MICKEY: I never was in the closet, woman.
I'm
strait!
VIOLET: What is with you tonight?
MICKEY: [Opens his magazine] Nothin'.
Just bein' a man. Strait man.
VIOLET: Strait, huh? I liked you a lot
better
when you were gay!
MICKEY: Oh yeah? Well, how's this for gay?
Those shoes you got on: they suck ass!
VIOLET: Yeah, well, no need be bitchy!
MICKEY: [Yells] I'm not gay!
['Shh!' from crowd]
VIOLET: Work out your issues on your own
time.
Goodbye Mickey, it's been weird! [Gets up and leaves]
MICKEY: [Gets up and yells towards
Violet] Mickey Parke, heterosexual!
['Shh!' from crowd. 'Hey!']
[Mickey sits down and puts his head in his hands, looking
down]
SCENE:
Mickey in his livingroom, still with his head in his hands, looking
down.
[Liz enters]
LIZ: Yoohoo, Mickey! The publicity train
keeps
a'rollin'!
MICKEY: Leave my ass alone.
LIZ: Guess who I have here?! A reporter from
E!
News Daily. They wanna do a piece on you!
MICKEY: Why?
LIZ: Because, you came out of the closet!
Here,
read this speech, and 2gether will conquer another market nitch!
MICKEY: Ah heh. Yeah,
whatever...
[E! News theme song plays, a reporter is on-screen as well as a
picture
of Mickey.]
REPORTER: Many of you have heard whispers
that
Mickey Parke of the boyband 2gether is a homosexual just waiting to
emerge
from the closet. We sent our E! News Daily staff over to his house to
find
out what's up.
[Mickey is on camera, he begins to read paper Liz handed him]
MICKEY: Hi. I'm Mickey Parke of 2gether. As
a
gay man, and a gay art-yo, I can't read this! Here's the dilly. A few
nights ago, I found out I was a gay man. At first, it made me wanna
puke,
but as I look back on it, I realize something. That I was a better man
gay
then I ever was strait. You see, when Mickey Parke starts acting all
strait and hard, he let's people down. And, uh, I'm sorry for that.
That's
all I gots to say. Oh. [Laughs] Except, I want you all to know I
still like chicks! I am gay, but I'm gay for women.
SCENE:
2gether's entryway, doorbell rings. Mickey answers it, it's
Violet
VIOLET: So here's what I know. I know you're
not gay. I know you said some really sweet things on TV. And I know
you're trying to be less of a jerk.
MICKEY: Yeah, that's all true.
VIOLET: But what I don't know is more
important
than any of that.
MICKEY: And what's that?
VIOLET: Do you really think my shoes suck?
MICKEY: [Laughs] Well, they-they did
kinda look ugly with your blouse.
VIOLET: Talk about ugly shoes, those things
are
as white as you are!
MICKEY: What?! Yo, these kicks rock!
VIOLET: Well, there's only one thing to do
about that.
MICKEY: And what's that?
VIOLET: Let's go shoe shopping.
MICKEY: [Laughs] After you.
SCENE:
E! News Daily news brief featuring the 2G guys,
etc
[E! theme song]
DOUG: [Onscreen, caption says 'Doug
Linus,
2ge+her Lard'] I wanna support Mickey's right to be strait. After
all,
isn't that what this country's all about? The right to be part of an
overwhelming majority?
JERRY: [Onscreen, caption says 'Jerry
O'Keefe, 2ge+her Throb'] So, Mickey isn't gay, but if you're gay
and a
fan of Mickey's, please continue to buy our tapes and CDs, and rip our
songs off the web.
CHAD: [Onscreen, caption says 'Chad
Linus,
Former Copier/Collator'] I don't know much about gay people, but I
do
know about singing and dancing and making girls cry!
GARY: [Onscreen, caption says 'Gary Lorg,
Copier/Collator'] I know for a fact that you can fool around with
eleven guys and not be gay. [Guilty look on his face]
QT: [Onscreen, caption says 'Jason "QT"
McKnight, Cutie Pie'] I've got a secret. Everyone in 2gether is
gay.
Except for me ladies. And I got time for all of you! [Flirts]
[TV music plays, episode ends]