I haven't talked to you in a good, long while. I think I'm ready to give up now. I'm tired of being alone. I'm not talking about female companionship. I'm talking about knowing that there is someone else out there. I think I'm ready to quit being a kid, and accept you.
I've been avoiding everything based on my pride. I've always believed in a higher power, I just haven't acknowledged that human beings are capable of defining you after seeing all the things carried out in your name. My pride has kept me from believing that there is someone whose hands I can put all my troubles into.
Churchgoers would come into Kinko's and give me the nastiest attitude when I would try to help them with their church projects. Black pastors would look at me like I'm the racist. Black church ladies would assume that I'm trying to pull one over on them because I'm white. People who claim they are "saved" would go on forever about how everyone else, including me, is going to hell because we don't believe as they do.
I'm tired of hating. I'm not a racist. You know my black roomate Howard. Thanks for sending him to me, by the way, I really would be a racist without him. During the years I was a white store manager in a predominantly black mall really tested my patience. There were so many times I would be screaming the word "nigger" in my mind because of the intolerance I would see. I would hate black people and I would hate black imitators. I would get bent out of shape seeing someone praising a modern rap song that stole its beat from a great soul song of the 70's. I get bent out of shape over many, many things that have nothing to do with race. I'm tired of it.
I see people like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, and due to the ignorance, prejudice and intolerance they exhibit, I automatically group all religion in with their type. I am guilty of the same ignorance that I accuse them of. I say that all religion is a crutch for the weak. Someone will say how they are able to do all things with Jesus Christ or you as their guide, and immediately I shut them out and call them morons. I don't want to hear what they have to say. Why was I mad at them when they were able to find comfort and strength in something? Because I could not. I was too proud to try and accept it.
I admit that I am weak. I have been avoiding talking to you about anything because I don't want you to think that I am weak, that I am coming to you without being sincere. I am afraid that if I come to you, you'll turn me away because I am not being honest with you. I try to shoulder too much. I try to carry all my burdens myself because I feel it's my responsibility, that there is no one but myself who can help with them.
I'm coming to you now, knowing that I am responsible for everything in my life. I don't blame anyone. I ask forgiveness from every person that I have wronged, for every slight I have made out of anger and hatred - not humor. It's a hard thing to admit that I want to accept your love, and your forgiveness, and your help. I will make the attempt to try to be a better person, without straying from the man I am that you allow me to be.
I hope this sounds sincere. I promise to think of you every day. Please take care of my father, my sister, and my mother who is now in your house. Try to keep me in mind too, and help me from hating so much, and comfort me when I am lost. That's all I ask. I hope I can make myself be a better man, while remaining true to myself.
One more thing...The Duckbill Platypuss? What were you thinking? :)
Back to the Table of Contents