The Funny Side of Emergencies

We all know how hard our jobs in the emergency medical field are. Without humor, they would be downright undoable. So, for a few minutes, relax prop up your feet, and enjoy the lighter side of EMS and Fire/Rescue.

EMS Rules to Live By...

RULES OF EMS

1. Cover your ass! (CYA)

2. Sometimes people will die despite our best efforts!

3. In the event of Rule 2 refer to Rule 1!

4. Just remember it's their emergency, not yours!

5. ASYSTOLE is a very stable rhythm!

6. Dead people very seldom get any better, but they never get worse!

7. If it felt good saying it, you probably shouldn't have!

8. A patients weight is in direct proportion to their altitude in a building!

9. Can you walk?...Have you tried?...Are you sure you can't walk? (see Rule 8).

10. If EMS workers never eat, sleep,or go to the bathroom... nobody would ever get sick or injured!

11. The amount of whining an injured patient does is in inverse proportion to the severity of their injuries!

12. Be scared of the child that isn't crying!

13. If you go on an MVA after midnight and don't find a drunk...keep looking... someone is missing!

14. All bleeding stops eventually!

15. Equipment will fail only at the time you really need it!

16. Expect to get screwed and you won't be disappointed!

17. If you have to ask, seek a refresher course!

18. Never ASSUME (because if there was ever a profession that it could bite you in the ass, this is it).

19. Never take a previous call with you to the next.

20. There is no I in the word TEAM.

21. Be able to turn it on and off like a bulb or it will catch up with you and burn you out!

22. If you drop a baby, fake a seizure!

23. The RULE of 3's-If it's 3am and there is 3 flights of stairs they will be 300+lbs.

24. Skinny people don't need ambulances!

25. The patient will always be in the most difficult part of the house there is to get them out of, ( up steep stairs, in the basement, or in the back bedroom of a house with a very narrow hallway) and the patient usually is 300+lbs.

26. The size of the car is in inverse proportion to the patient (it's always the 300+ people that wrecked their YUGO)!

27. "Air goes in, Air goes out, and Blood goes around and around" Anything other than that is a bad thing!

28. I go home at the end of the shift.

29. My partner goes home at the end of the shift.

30. Any variation of Rules 1 or 2 are NOT allowed!

31. If you don't recognize the rhythm, SHOCK it until you do!

32. An oxygen mask is NOT a source of entertainment!

Medic 37's EMS Website

Most, if not all, of these rules were from the above site. I apologize for stepping on any toes. Please if you see something I have not given credit for, inform me immediately!

Killer Breath

Being in EMS, I keep the scanner on for alterative entertainment. I heard the following: Ambulance: "Dispatch I have a patient on board with ETOH who was the driver when the MVA occurred. We are enroute to the hospital at this time. Request the State Police to meet us there." Dispatch: "Uh.. how much ETOH?" Ambulance: "Well, there were a couple of flies buzzing over his head. When he exhaled, his breath killed them." Pregnant pause.... "Uh... OK, we have State Police enroute."

Author Unknown

You Know You've Been in EMS too Long When...

• When SOB now means Shortness Of Breath, and not necessarily how you feel about a person.
• When your spouse has his or her hands on you, and the reason is practicing Patient Assessment, and not passion.
• When you're doing Ambulance duty, and go home, your own dog won't let you into the family house, because it no longer recognizes you.
• When members of the opposite sex are on the same vehicle in various states of half-dress, and nobody notices enough to mention it, or be embarrassed.
• When "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear.
• When family pets clear a path when they hear the tones go off, so they won't get mowed over, then greet you when you come home, forgiving you for doing just that.
• When caffeine becomes a SEDATIVE.
• When you shake a person's hand, and your first thought is "Great veins."
• When a motionless and silent child is no longer a desired sight.
• When you notice that your worst "Pre-EMS bad hair day" isn't even close to your very best "EMS hair day"...and neither you nor your partner mentions it or are embarrassed by it anymore.
• You know the patient's medical history better than they do.
• When starting your personal vehicle, you reach for the "Battery On" switch.

Author Unknown

You Know You Are the Significant Other of Someone in EMS or Fire When...

• You wake up to your alarm clock and shout "will you shut that f$#&*@g pager off already!"
  
• Your idea of a massage is having your S.O. practice secondary survey on you.
  
• Your idea of forplay is a priapism sweep or a check for wetness.
  
• You have many EMS or fire shirts and never bought one.
  
• Your idea of a turn on is wearing their sweaty gear.
  
• You have ever been stood up for a call.
  
• You see Backdraft and want to imitate the hosebed scene.
  
• You have ever waited 6 hours while they went on a "quick" call.
  
• You are more familar with their station that your parents' home.
  
• You can discuss dismemberment at the dinnertable without vomiting.
  
• You belong to one of the following clubs: Ferno, code 3, Hosebed, Hotride (did I cover them all?).
  
• You have memorised all their radio codes.
  
• You have a scanner and all of their frequiences programmed in.
  
• You read webpages like this one :-)

Author Unknown

This is such a laugh. I know you will love it!!!
Cheapest Way to Certify for Medic
Courtesy of Jeff Summers

Q: What is the generic form of Viagra for dummies?
A: A popsicle stick and duct tape!

Redneck Medical Info
Benign..........................What you be, after you be eight.
Artery..........................The study of paintings.
Asthma...................What you do when Pa says no.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What doctors do when patients die.
Bowel.......................A, E, I, O, U.
Bruise.................Six pack of beer.
Cesarean Section................A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic...........................A sheep dog.
Coma............................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..........................To live long.
Enema...........................Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail........................What you hang your coat on.
Humerus.....................Funny
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain......................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid..........................A higher offer.
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................I knew it.
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.......................A fatherhood test.
Paramedics.....................Two EMTs.
Pasteurize................Too far to see.
Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Phlebitis................Why dogs scratch.
Post Operative..................A letter carrier.
Posture....................Where the cows graze.
Protein.....................In favor of young people.
Recovery Room...................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.......................Hiding something.
Seizure.........................Roman emperor.
Sphincter.................An egyptian statue.
Tablet..........................A small table.
Terminal Illness................Getting sick at the airport.
Testicles............Books in the Bible.
Tumor...........................One plus one more.
Urine...........................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose........................Near by/close by.
Vein.......................Conceited.
Wound....................Will not.

Author Unknown

While on my paramedic internship, we responded to a call for general illness. We were met at the door by a topless woman, proudly displaying nipple rings. I was impressed by her height, size, and blonde hair. ( Perhaps she was Scandinavian? I had heard they looked like this.)
As we went inside, I was thinking to myself, "Girl, cover yourself. There are two men here. Where is your dignity?!" I was then able to talk her into getting a shirt on.
During the assessment and transport she kept weeping and commenting on how she loved her breasts and did not want to lose them, and she felt better when she took her hormones. Noting how young she was, I thought perhaps she had hormonal imbalance. There was also something not quite right with this call, but I was mystified.
Eventually I noticed my preceptor frantically trying to get my attention. He kept silently "mouthing" some words, but I could not for the life of me understand what he was trying to relay. Finally, in desperation, he grabbed an alcohol pad and scribbled on it. He handed it to me and I read the message, "It's a boy."

Mac McNamara

A fire fighter is working on the fire truck outside the station house when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says, "Hey, Little Partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is myfire truck." The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks, Mister," the boy says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little Partner," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The boy says, "You're probably right, Mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Unknown

So You Want to Work In EMS

Questions to Ask Yourself

1. Do you mind rats and roaches assisting on the scene?

2. Do you mind when people bleed, barf, or blow snot all over your freshly pressed uniform?

3. Does the thought of supressing your bodily functions for 24 hours at a time bother you?

4. Do you expect patients to answer your questions intelligently or truthfully?

5. Do you believe that the heart monitor makes a noise when someone's heart stops?

6. Do you expect to be well paid, thought of as a hero, and thanked for your presence?

7. Do you watch Rescue 911?

*If you answered YES to any of these questions, please seek another profession.*

Author unknown

One day my company had an emergent transfer from one hospital to another 25 miles away. On the truck was a driver and a paramedic. The patient they were transporting was in serious condition, but stable enough to make the trip. Halfway through the transport, the medic told the driver to divert to another hospital and to go code #3. The driver complied. Since the driver could not see in the back, he did not know the situation. When the crew got the patient into the ER, there were stony stares all directed at the medic. The doctor asked quite shrply, "Do you have urinals on your truck?" Confused, the driver asked why. The doctor replied, "Your medic diverted to a trauma center because the patient had to PEE."

M.F.

A nurse in the ER was taking care of a toddler that had fallen from a swingset and had broken his arm. As she was getting the vital signs, she was quite flustered by the young, handsome, and very eligible father. When she picked up the stethescope to check the child's lungs, it got tangled in the cords to the BP monitor, fell, and broke into seperate pieces. The father bent over and helped to pick up the parts. She started to put it back together. At her worried frown, the father asked what was wrong. Her reply was heard throughout the quiet ER and fits of laughter followed. "I've lost my diaphragm!"

Me, Myself, and I

Please e-mail me if you have a funny story. If I use it I will let you know, so leave me your email address. I will be adding stories and continually updating my site, so please visit often!