Welcome to my Webpage.
Here, you will find more quotes than you can shake a stick at.
And now, the quotes...
TV Shows
"Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" --Dr. David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk" TV series
"Look, Gonzo, I'm not posing naked for anybody, even if it is artistic." --Janis, "The Muppet Show"
"My dog's name was Kitty... He had an ingrown tail... We had to have him X-rayed to find out if he was happy." --Buddy, "Charles in Charge"
"But, I took them away from all that. And now, they work for me. My name is Charlie." --Charlie, "Charlie's Angels"
"What does a yellow light mean?" --Reverend Jim, "Taxi"
"If a man hands a gun to a chimp, and the chimp shoots someone, you don't blame the chimp!" --Marcy Rhodes, "Married... With Children"
"Hey, Alex--You know the really great thing about television? If something important happens, anywhere in the world, night or day... you can always change the channel." --Reverend Jim, "Taxi"
"Of course it's a female cheese! You want me to dance with a male cheese? That would be weird!" --Gonzo, "The Muppet Show"
"If you pour a gallon of knowledge into a shotglass of a brain, you're gonna spill some." --Bud Bundy, "Married... With Children"
"I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign!" --Number 6, "The Prisoner"
"This is your brain. This is drugs. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?" --Johnny Depp, 80's public service announcement
"Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're running out of you." --George Castanza, "Seinfeld"
"A-O. O-A." --Tony Macelli, "Who's the Boss?"
"You are all weirdos!" --Sam the Eagle, "The Muppet Show"
"Cheer up, Buckaroo." --Horshack, to Mr. Kotter, "Welcome Back, Kotter"
"Helllloooo, ball." --Ed Norton, addressing the ball during golf, "The Honeymooners"
"The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader, you've seen Star Wars 47 times. You do the math." --Neil Schweiber, "Freaks and Geeks"
"Questions are a burden to others; answers a prison for oneself." --a sign in the village, "The Prisoner"
"Ain't nothin' to it, but to do it." --Zoot, "The Muppet Show"
"I fell on my penis!" --Drew, "The Drew Carey Show"
"C is for cookie, it's good enough for me; Oh cookie cookie cookie starts with C." --Cookie Monster, "Sesame Street"
"Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturday afternoons?" --Jerry, "Seinfeld"
"A wife, no matter how beauteous or affectionate, would severely impair my crime-fighting." --Batman, to Catwoman, "Batman" TV Series
"Wasn't known on Melmac as the whiz kid for my scholastic ability" --Alf, "Alf"
"There's this kid at my school... He can't have blood transfusions, so they game him apple juice instead. In the Fall, he turned different colors, fell out of a tree, and died." --Gavin, "Kids in the Hall"
"Questions don't hurt, ignorance does." --Geri, "The Facts of Life"
"Good Heavens!" --The Professor, after accidently viewing government documents, "Gilligan's Island"
"You know, you shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy, you may be one yourself someday." --Carol Brady, "The Brady Bunch"
"Where are those 3 new men we hired?" --one of the two phrases said in every "Three Stooges" classic short
"Are you sure you guys know what you're doing?" --the other of 2 phrases said in every "Three Stooges" classic short
"A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man." --Jebadiah Springfield, "The Simpsons"
"I want Wolf gone." --Recruit Whitlow, "Boot Camp"
"When I wanted to talk to you, I couldn't. Now that I can, I don't want to." --Lisa, after discovering her favorite actor smokes pot, "Saved By The Bell"
"When women smile at me I don't know what it means. Sometimes I interpret it like they're psychotic or something. And I don't know if I'm supposed to smile back. I don't know what to do." --George, "Seinfeld"
"I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt." --Lisa, to Bart, "The Simpsons"
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." --Charlie Brown, "Peanuts"
"Before you trip over your cape, Batman, riddle me this: There are 3 men in a boat, with 4 cigarettes and no matches. How do they manage to smoke?" --The Riddler, "Batman"
"So what are you going to do? Release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you?" --Homer, "The Simpsons"
"What's the cube root of Pi, Robin?" --Batman, from the "Batman" TV series
"Kiss my grits!" --Flo, "Alice"
"Stow it, Dingy!" --Mel, "Alice"
"...And knowing is half the battle." --the last 6 words of any "G.I. Joe" cartoon
"Bruce Wayne will do as a substitute. I'm beginning to dislike him as much as Batman." --Joker, from the "Batman" TV series
"Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others! You will remain here for eternity listening to... whiny protest songs from the 60's!" --Satan, "Animaniacs"
"Ginger isn't Ginger anymore, she's Mary Ann. And Mary Ann isn't Mary Ann anymore because she's Ginger." --Mr. Howell, "Gilligan's Island"
"Me Tarzan! You Jane?" --Gilligan, to the Professor, "Gilligan's Island"
"...You're part of a time-travel experiment that went... a little ca-ca." -- Al, "Quantum Leap"
"Things like that only happen in comic books, Robin. This is real life." --Batman, from the "Batman" TV series
"If there's one thing I love to tell, it's a secret." --Mrs. Howell, "Gilligan's Island"
"No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from." --Linus, "Peanuts"
"No banging your head against the display case, please. It contains a rare copy of Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide." --The Comic Book Store Guy, "The Simpsons"
"Gentlemen, synchronize Swatches!" --Parker Lewis, "Parker Lewis Can't Lose"
"Theorizing that one could time travel within his own life time, Dr. Sam Beckett stepped into the quantum leap accelerator and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Al, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. And so Dr. Beckett finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home." --Narrator, "Quantum Leap"
"Holy Haberdashery, Batman!" --Robin's first "holy" expression, from the "Batman" TV series
"Nothing, Mom. Just thinking of a joke I heard on 'Herman's Head'." --Lisa Simpson, "The Simpsons"
"Hi Dad, we're having pork chops and applesauce for dinner." --Peter Brady, imitating Humphrey Bogart, "The Brady Bunch"
"Wowzee, wowzee, woo-woo." --Shleprock, "The Flintstone Kids" cartoon
"Like the old saying goes, the grass is always greener in someone else's lawn." --Mike Brady, "The Brady Bunch"
"The world is a dirty ditch, where cigarette ends of humanity swim in the toxical departures of life." --Adam, from "Charles in Charge"
"I'm Herman's Intellect. Without me, he couldn't hold his job, pay his rent, or tie his shoes." --Herman's Intellect, "Herman's Head"
"I'm Herman's Anxiety, and I keep Herman out of trouble. And believe me, there's trouble everywhere." --Herman's Anxiety, "Herman's Head"
"Smoke 'em if you've got 'em." --Judge Harry Stone, "Night Court"
"Alright, Bucko!" --Richie, "Happy Days"
"I may vo-de-oh, but I don't vo-de-oh-do-do." --Laverne, "Laverne & Shirley"
"Did your brain come preassembled or did you glue it together yourself?" --Charles, to Buddy, "Charles in Charge"
"Inside a cow's head, there's a brain the size of a walnut. Inside your head, there's a walnut the size of a brain." --Charles, to Buddy, "Charles in Charge"
"Kids are growing up too fast. Half the teenagers in America are sexually active today. I mean, what's going on with these kids today? Wait a minute! Do I sound like Alex?" --Steven, "Family Ties"
"Oh, that's too bad, Charles. Makes me wonder who's really blind." --Buddy, to Charles, after Charles breaks up with a girl because she is blind, "Charles in Charge"
"That means if people in my hometown can see me, then my family can see me. And if my family can see me, that means my brother can see me. And if my brother can see me, he'll punch me, because I'm wearing his shirt." --Gilligan, "Gilligan's Island"
"Jan, if boys don't find you attractive, don't blame me." --Marcia, to Jan, "The Brady Bunch"
"Jinkies!" --Daphne, "Scooby-Doo"
"I think this mystery is pretty close to being solved." --Velma, "Scooby-Doo"
"If I'd had a normal life, I'd quite cheerfully go mad and fall over right now. But as I've lead an utterly ridiculous life, I'd have to say that we're apparently surrounded by alternate timeline versions of ourselves." --Nightcrawler, Excalibur #103
"I am neither participant nor judge, I simply observe." --The Watcher, What If? #??
"Never apologize for being who you are. It doesn't become a gentleman." --Excalibur #36
"Bucky! Look out!" --Captain America's first words after coming out of suspended animation, in Avengers #4
"I dare not intrude. I am forbidden to act!" --The Watcher, Tales of Suspense #53
"It was I who chose the dark paths I now tread, as it is I who must walk them alone." --Dr. Strange, Dr. Strange #169
"Heads up, citizens! Mind my flying feet!" --Nightcrawler, Excalibur #2
"Imperius Rex!" --Namor, Tales to Astonish #76
"We have to be as cold, as cruel, as utterly heartless as they are... if humankind has any hope of surviving." --Bishop, Uncanny X-Men #284
"This land is mine!!" --Dr.Doom, Fantastic Four #247
"I cannot answer that query." --Adam Warlock, The Infinity War #2
"I'm killing you 'cause I can." --Carnage, Amazing Spider-Man #361
"That's what this is all about? That formula was destroyed years ago! If it wasn't, don't you think I would have used it? Against you? Hobgoblin... you are an idiot." --Green Goblin (Harry Osborn), to Hobgoblin, in Amazing Spider-Man #312
"Yeah, well once I said Vanilla Ice was hardcore... sometimes, I'm just a poor judge of character." --Deadpool, Deadpool #31
"Goodbye, life. You were pretty good to me. Life is good and then you die. I can accept that. Spirit realm, huh? Things I've never seen before? Like what?" --(The original) Spider-Woman's last words, Spider-Woman #50
"Well, Doom? Start talking! I want to hear your voice while I'm separating your head from your neck!" --Beyonder, Fantastic Four #319
"Y'know... Just once I'd like to have a happy ending." --Peter Parker, Web of Spider-Man #5
"Sweet Jumping Christmas!" --Luke Cage, Power Man #29
"Life? You talk to me of life? What worth is there in the paltry existence of one useless female?" --Green Goblin, Amazing Spider-Man #122
"I could take the Avengers on, one-on-one, and maybe, with my reflexes... I could defeat them all! But then again, maybe I couldn't. There ain't no bucks in feedin' an ego, and it'd be awful hard runnin' business from a jail cell." --Taskmaster, Avengers #196
"With great power must also come great responsibility." --Spider-Man, Amazing Fantasy #15
"He was the only one alive who knew that Peter Parker is Spider-Man! That means he's the only one I can never hide from! No matter where I go... what I do..." --Peter Parker, about the Green Goblin, Spectacular Spider-Man Magazine #2
"You look nice when you smile." --Last words of the Chameleon, to Spider-Man, in Webspinners #11
"Face it, Tiger. You just hit the jackpot." -Mary Jane, Amazing Spider-Man #40
"Stop trying to dilute my fury!" -- Veronica, to Betty, Betty & Veronica Double Digest #89
"A pinch of faith, a smidgen of belief, a dash of trust... ingredients in a recipe of unimaginable delight." -- a dream salesman, to Archie, Betty & Veronica Double Digest #89
"No one can sell dreams! Dreams just happen! You can't control them." --Archie, to the dream salesman, Betty & Veronica Double Digest #89
Movies
"Well, I'm not used to supposin'. I'm just a workin' man. My boss does all the supposin' -- but I'll try one. Supposin' you talk us all out of this and, uh, the kid really did knife his father?" --Juror #6, "12 Angry Men"
"KISS HIM!!" --Sara, last line (before credits), "Adventures in Babysitting"
"I ain't fartin' on no snare drum." --Pip, "Airheads"
"The airplane's getting closer, and Leon's getting LAARRGGEERRRRRR!" --Johnny Hinshaw, "Airplane"
"Nadia, I am a band geek. I was just never in band." --Jim, "American Pie 2"
"This is so fun, it's freaky." --Rockhound, "Armageddon"
"Get off... the nuclear... warhead!" --Col. Willie Sharp, "Armageddon"
"Ok guys, we're heroes now. So, that incident with me on the rocket, let's try to keep that under wraps." --Rockhound, "Armageddon"
"You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town." --Ash, "Army of Darkness"
"I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!" --Melvin Udall, "As Good As It Gets"
"Football is, after all, a cryptic, fascist symbol for nuclear war." --Derek Lutz, "Back To School"
"Why don't you make like a tree and get out of here?" --Biff, "Back to the Future part II"
"Oh, that's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship." --Biff, "Back to the Future part II"
"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" --Joker, "Batman"
"Because, you know, it seems to me that, aside from being a little mentally ill, she's pretty normal." --Sam, "Benny & Joon"
"Gee, I'm sorry your mom blew up, Ricky." --Lane Myer, "Better Off Dead"
"You would need three promotions to be an asshole." --Toomey, "Biloxi Blues"
"He's got a client who shot his wife in the head six times. Six times, can you imagine it? I mean, even twice would be overdoing it, don't you think?" --Cathy Brenner, "The Birds"
"Put on your Sunday best, kids. We're going to Sears." --Mr. Brady, "The Brady Bunch Movie"
"A good friend is one who stabs you in the front." --Denise Fleming, "Can't Hardly Wait"
"If hate were people, I'd be China!" --Phil, "City Slickers"
"I told you I didn't do it!" --Mr.Green, "Clue"
"I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife." --Mr.Green, last line, "Clue"
"Define irony. Irony is a bunch of idiots singing a song on a plane made famous by a band that died in a plane crash." --Garland 'The Marietta Mangler' Greene, "Con Air"
"For as long as I can remember, I've been searching for something, some reason why we're here. What are we doing here? Who are we? If this is a chance to find out even just a little part of that answer... I don't know, I think it's worth a human life. Don't you?" --Ellie, "Contact"
"Hey! Listen to what I'm saying. We haven't been moving in circles, the rooms have." --Worth, "Cube"
"There is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder operating under the illusion of a master plan." --Worth, "Cube"
"You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato." --Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, "Death Race 2000"
"Yippee Kiy Yay, Motherfucker!" --John McClane, "Die Hard"
"I don't believe in voodoo.... but, I do believe in this!" --Loki, just before shooting a board room of people, "Dogma"
"Consequences schmonsequences!" --Loki, "Dogma"
"Ah, it's great to be young and insane!" --Billy, "Dream Team"
"How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?" --Elliot, "E.T."
"Did they teach you how to apologize at lawyer school? 'Cause you suck at it." --Erin Brockovich, "Erin Brockovich"
"Do they teach beauty queens how to apologize? Because you suck at it." --Ed Masry, "Erin Brockovich"
"Fuck you, titbags!" --Stokely, "The Faculty"
"Pardon my french, but Cameron is so tight, if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks, you have a diamond." --Ferris, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
"Only the meek get pinched, the bold survive." --Ferris, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." --Ferris, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
"You're still here?? It's over. Go home... Go." --Ferris, last line, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"
"I do not know love. I was trained to protect, not to love." --Leeloo, "Fifth Element"
"So, who's next?" --Carter, last line, "Final Destination"
"Jason belongs in Hell, and I'm going to see that he gets there." --Tommy Jarvis, "Friday the 13th part VI: Jason Lives"
"They fuck you, they fuck you, they fuck you! And just when you think it's over, that's when the real fucking begins!!" --Conrad Van Orton, "The Game"
"I just stole 50 cars for you in one night. I'm a little tired, I'm a little wired, and I think I deserve just a little appreciation." --Randall Raines, "Gone in 60 Seconds"
"Yeah? Well, you see this one? This one was my dream, my wish. And it didn't come true. So, I'm taking it back. I'm taking them all back." --Mouth, "The Goonies
"L.A., we love it! We love it! We love it!!" -- the punk rockers, "Gotcha!"
"Like mother, it's my life, ok? So, if I want to live on the beach and walk around naked... oh!" --Janis, "The Great Muppet Caper"
"Pool on the roof must have a leak!" --Dade Murphy, "Hackers"
"Mess with the best, die like the rest." --Dade Murphy, "Hackers"
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man, I put away childish things. What? It's Corinthians one, chapter thirteen verse eleven." --Cereal Killer, "Hackers"
"That is universally stupid, man!" --Cereal Killer, "Hackers"
"That's it, no more Mr. Nice Duck." --Howard the Duck, "Howard the Duck"
"I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR ASS TO THE WALL!!!" --Michael Corbin, "If Looks Could Kill"
"Mrs. Grober, I have no time to explain right now, but... you *ARE* the French Teacher." --Michael Corbin, "If Looks Could Kill"
"Now look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and each time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!" --Benjy Benjamin, "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World"
"Man who catch fly with chopsticks can accomplish anything." --Mr. Miagi, "Karate Kid"
"All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off." --Harris, "L.A. Story"
"Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?" --Harris, "L.A. Story"
"If I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it." --Mrs. Bickerman, "Lake Placid"
"That's the thing about secrets... we all know stuff about each other, we just don't know the same stuff." --Alice, "The Last of Sheila"
"Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave." --Jareth, the Goblin King, "Labyrinth"
"Everybody! Come quick! Alex is gonna bust the record!" --Otis, "The Last Starfighter"
"Well, what do you wanna hear, man?! Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eatin' a bullet?! Huh? Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion with a hollow point, look! Make sure it blows the back of my goddamned head out and do the job right! Every single day I wake up and I think of a reason not to do it! Every single day! You know why I don't do it?! This is gonna make you laugh! You know why I don't do it?! The job! Doin' the job! Now that's the reason!" --Martin Riggs, "Lethal Weapon"
"All it took was a fat, chronic blunt." --Jay, "Mallrats"
"Since you all like scenarios so much, I've got one for you. It's called a little game of chance. I'll bet you that I can turn this key and blow us all to hell, even after you shoot me! And you're gonna have to shoot me, okay? Everybody's problems solved in one millionth of a second. Now, who wants to play?" --Dr. John Mathewson, "The Manhattan Project"
"True love is like the Loch Ness monster; everybody's heard about it, but no one's really seen it." --Hollywood, "Mannequin 2: On the Move"
"There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path." --Morpheus, "The Matrix"
"The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes, does it?" --Leonard Shelby, "Memento"
"Memory can change the shape of a room; it can change the color of a car. And memories can be distorted. They're just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts." --Leonard Shelby, "Memento"
"Now... where was I?" --Leonard Shelby, last line, "Memento"
"It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation without actually changing the course of history. It also stings like a bitch." --Carl, talking about what shooting a guy in the ass with a pellet gun will accomplish, "Men At Work"
"You will swing for this, James! I shit you NOT!!!" --Mike, the bike cop, "Men At Work"
"Allow me to explain why I've gathered you all here. The five of you are invited... more accurately, challenged to participate in my latest creation, the ultimate game, which I call The Great All-Nighter." --Leon, "Midnight Madness"
"The sea is reversed.
S.S. Itari is mixed-up and blind.
38-22-23/56-10-11"
-the first clue in "Midnight Madness"
"Mr. Carson's obese male child?? What kind of clue is that???" --Flynch, "Midnight Madness"
"Look
At
Xylophones
Initially
5*30AM"
-another clue in "Midnight Madness"
"Alright! I think it's time we all started acting like adults. Let's all sit down and discuss this calmly, rationally, and intelligently... Ok?" --Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman) cameo as a video arcade attendant, in "Midnight Madness"
"You know, there's just one thing that bothers me! Of all the other teams, Harold's team's going to win." --Marvin, "Midnight Madness"
"Back off, Adam! There's no way in the world I'm going to let you win this game." --Harold, "Midnight Madness"
"Kitridge, you've never seen me very upset!" --Ethan Hunt, "Mission: Impossible"
"Light the lamp, not the rat!" --Rizzo the Rat, "A Muppet's Christmas Carol"
"Find me a bear and a frog in a brown studebaker." --Doc Hopper, "The Muppet Movie"
"We am is are and be they whom as are known as the Electric Mayhem!" --Floyd Pepper, "The Muppet Movie"
"I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines!" --Mr. Furious, "Mystery Men"
"Like a midget in a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." --Frank Drebin, "Naked Gun 33 1/3"
"Did you just grab my ass?" --Mr. Kazir, "A Night at the Roxbury"
"Have you ever been hit with Dots, Mel? Milk Duds? Those things hurt!" --Regina, "Night of the Comet"
"Where are the kids? It's Saturday morning, where are all the goddamn kids?!?!" --Regina, "Night of the Comet"
"Daddy would have gotten us Uzis." --Samantha, "Night of the Comet"
"He's going to ask me to work on Sunday and I'm going to do it, because I'm a pussy, which is why I work at Initech in the first place." --Peter Gibbons, "Office Space"
"It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care." --Peter Gibbons, "Office Space"
"Why don't you like me? You're a prick and I like you." --Patch Adams, "Patch Adams"
"I guess there's just two kinds of people, Ms. Sandstone; my kindof people and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into. Have a nice day." --Connie Marble, "Pink Flamingos"
"Somewhere in the universe, there must be something better than man." --Dr. Zaius, "Planet of the Apes"
"Where do you think I was? Flying around on my ass!" --Mike Rogo, "The Poseidon Adventure"
"Come on! Let's plow." --Duckie, "Pretty in Pink"
"Welp, I'm off like a dirty shirt." --Duckie, "Pretty in Pink"
"Blaine? His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, that's not a name!" --Duckie, "Pretty in Pink"
"I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, cause I live to like you, and I can't like you anymore. So, when you get your heart splattered all over Hell, and you're feeling really low and dirty, don't look to me to help pump you back up, cause... cause... cause maybe for the first time in your life, I just won't be there!" --Duckie, "Pretty in Pink"
"He came here alone. Okay, you were right. He's not like the others. If you don't go to him now, I'm never going to take you to another prom ever again, you hear me? I mean, this is an incredibly romantic moment, and you're ruining it for me." --Duckie, "Pretty in Pink"
"That's it, Stef. You buy everything. But, you couldn't buy her, because she thinks you're shit. And deep down, you know she's right." --Blaine, "Pretty in Pink"
"You said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. Well, I believed in you. I always believed in you. I just didn't believe in me. I love you. Always." --Blaine, "Pretty in Pink"
"If you want justice, go to a whorehouse; if you want to get fucked, go to court." --Marty Vail, "Primal Fear"
"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something." --Westley, "The Princess Bride"
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." --Inigo, "The Princess Bride"
"I know you. Not your name, but your game." --Nora, "Pump Up the Volume"
"15 minutes to Wapner." --Raymond Babbitt, "Rain Man"
"GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!" --Tom Mullen, "Ransom"
"Don't eat that! Don't you know eating that causes big breasts? Oh my god, I'm too late!" --Chris, "Real Genius"
"This? This is ice. This is what happens to water when it gets too cold. This? This is Kent. This is what happens to a guy when he gets too sexually frustrated." --Chris, "Real Genius"
"But first, we have to get even with Kent. It's a moral imperative." --Chris, "Real Genius"
"I never sleep, I don't know why. I had a roommate and I drove her nuts, I mean really nuts, they had to take her away in an ambulance and everything. But, she's okay now, but she had to transfer to an easier school, but I don't know if that had anything to do with being my fault. But listen, if you ever need to talk or you need help studying just let me know, cause I'm just a couple doors down from you guys and I never sleep, okay?" --Jordan, "Real Genius"
"Oh, it's not inhuman. Only humans can be inhuman." --Gilbert, to Judy, about computers, "Revenge of the Nerds"
"Wait... Would you rather live during the ascendency of a civilization or during its decline?" --Poindexter, "Revenge of the Nerds"
"Their action tonite demands an immediate retaliation. And, if we don't, we're nothing but the nerds they say we are." --Gilbert, "Revenge of the Nerds"
"What if C-A-T really spelled dog?" Ogre, "Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise"
"Honey, do you want to know who killed JFK?" --Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, last line, "The Rock"
"What did Mom tell you, huh? When I wear this badge, you treat me like a man of the law." --Dewey, "Scream"
"There are certain rules one must follow in order to survive a horror movie... #1- You can never have sex. Big no-no. Big no-no. Sex equals death. Ok? #2- No drinking or doing drugs. It's the sin factor. It's a sin. It's an extension of #1. And #3- Never ever say 'I'll be right back', because you won't be back." --Randy, giving the rules, "Scream"
"There's always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend. That's what makes it so great: Simplicity. Besides, if the storyline gets too complicated, you lose your target audience." --Randy, "Scream"
"Don't you blame the movies, Syd! Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!" --Billy Loomis, "Scream"
"I never thought I'd be so happy to be a virgin." --Randy, "Scream"
"There are certain rules you must follow in order to make a successful sequel. #1- The body count is always bigger. #2- The death scenes are always much more elaborate. Carnage Candy!! Your core audience just expects it. And #3- If you want your sequel to become a franchise, never, ever assume that the killer is dead." --Randy, giving the rules, "Scream 2" (Note: The last rule is completed in the teaser trailer for the movie)
"How do you know that my dim-witted inexperience isn't merely a subtle form of manipulation used to lower people's expectations thereby enhancing my ability to effectively manuever within any given situation?" --Dewey, "Scream 2"
"He's just the kind of boy you'd like to take home to mom... if you had a mom!" --Mickey, "Scream 2"
"Meet me at the waterfront after the social." --Angela, to Paul, in "Sleepaway Camp"
"Oh, I'm a happy camper,
I love the summer sun.
I love the trees and forests,
I'm always having fun.
Oh, I'm a happy camper,
I love the clear, blue sky.
And with the grace of God,
I'll camp until I die."
--The Happy Camper Song, "Sleepaway Camp" Part 2
"I don't like being the Wicked Witch of the West, but I know what happens when things get out of control." --Angela, "Sleepaway Camp" Part 2
"Party all night! TEENAGE WASTELAND!!" --Snowboy, "Sleepaway Camp" Part 3
"What the hell. At least I got to be on TV." --Richard "Rick" Santoro, last line, "Snake Eyes"
"I can't afford to have you hate me, Keith. The only things I care about in this goddamn life are me, and my drums, and you." --Watts, "Some Kind of Wonderful"
"Keith, she doesn't love you. I bet my hands on it." --Watts, "Some Kind of Wonderful"
"I'm not giving into them anymore. Not for another year, not for another minute!" --Keith, "Some Kind of Wonderful"
"You look good wearing my future." --Keith, last line, "Some Kind of Wonderful"
"So, the combination is: one, two, three, four, five. That's the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life! That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage." --Dark Helmet, "Spaceballs"
"It's not that we're afraid, far from it, it's just that death, it just isn't us." --Barf, "Spaceballs"
"You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now." --Colonel Sandurz, "Spaceballs"
"Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1!" --C3PO, "Star Wars V: Empire Strikes Back"
"Never tell me the odds." --Han Solo, "Star Wars V: Empire Strikes Back""
"Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journies by it, but the joke was on them...there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge." --Billy, "St. Elmo's Fire"
"Used to be sex was the only free thing, No longer. Alimony... palimony... it's all financial. Love is an illusion." --Kevin, "St. Elmo's Fire"
"Love, love, you want to know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer-types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage, which creates a reality to divorce the illusionary need for divorce lawyers." --Kevin, "St. Elmo's Fire"
"Don't go confusing kindness with weakness." --Gabriel Shear, "Swordfish"
"Come with me if you want to live!" --Kyle Reese, "The Terminator"
"Come with me if you want to live!" --The Terminator, "Terminator 2: Judgement Day"
"My name is Nick. My father thought of it shaving." --Nick, "Top Secret"
"No one ever put anything over on Fred C. Dobbs." --Fred C. Dobbs, "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"
"One cannot be betrayed if one has no people." --Kobayashi, "The Usual Suspects"
"The greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." --Verbal Kint, "The Usual Suspects"
"You think you can catch Keyser Soze? You think a guy like that comes this close to getting caught, and sticks his head out? If he comes up for anything it'll be to get rid of me. After that... my guess is you'll never hear from him again." --Verbal Kint, "The Usual Suspects"
"Match in the gas tank, boom-boom." --Gilbert, "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"
"A few surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous." --Willy Wonka, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"
"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it." --Willy Wonka, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"
"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of our dreams." --Willy Wonka, "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory"
"Listen, I don't need driving advice from you." --Wolverine, in a very Australian accent, "X-Men"
"Sabretooth? Storm. What do they call you? Wheels? This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." --Wolverine, "X-Men"
"Do you know what happens to a toad when it gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else." --Storm's worst line, "X-Men"
Song Lyrics
"Son I am able she said, though you scare me, watch said I, beloved I said, watch me scare you though, said she able am I son" --They Might Be Giants, "I Palindrome I"
"Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age." --They Might Be Giants, "I Palindrome I"
John, I think, I think we're losing them
This part of the show never works, never works
I wish we had a glockenspiel to save the show
A little glockenspiel to save the show
G-L-O......"ckenspiel"
G-L-O......"ckenspiel"
sing with me now
G-L-O......"ckenspiel"
G-L-O......"ckenspiel"
But who THE FUCK'S gonna to play the glockenspiel now?
Nobody we know knows how to play the glockenspiel.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
This show's fucked
WAIT! [pause]
Dan Hickey knows how to play the glockenspiel
The glockenspiel
G-L-O......"ckenspiel"
--They Might Be Giants,
"The Glockenspiel Song"
@ their 09-23-01 show
@ The Cajun House
in Scottsdale, Az.
"They Might Be Giants wanted to include a verse about the suffering people of the world, but couldn't figure out where to put it into this song." --Backwards message in They Might Be Giants' "Which Describes How You're Feeling" (1985 Demo Tape version)
"But, don't make any noise, cry out loud, or stamp your feet. You'll wake the girls and boys who are walking in their sleep." --They Might Be Giants, "Sleepwalker"
"Everybody needs a dream,
Not many get to live one.
Dreams are seldom what they seem,
So, how much creedence should you give one?
--Peter Stampfel, "Laura the Horse"
"Do you sing like Olive Oyl on purpose? You guys must be into the Eurythmics." --They Might Be Giants, "Rhythm Section Want Ad"
"It's laissez-faire, I don't even give a care. Let's make Friday part of the weekend and give every new baby a chocolate eclair." --Moxy Fruvous, "King of Spain"
"XTC versus Adam Ant, I can't tell you why. Even the singer from Bow Wow Wow can't make up her mind." --They Might Be Giants, "XTC vs. Adam Ant"
"Some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world. I wanna be the one to walk in the sun. Oh, girls! They wanna have fu-un." --Cyndi Lauper, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
"Love people are there. The smell of love is everywhere." --They Might Be Giants, "I've Got A Match"
"If you wanna find all the cops, they're hanging out in the donut shops." --The Bangles, "Walk Like An Egyptian"
"The blond waitresses take their trays, they spin around and they cross the floor. They've got the moves. You drop your drink then they bring you more." --The Bangles, "Walk Like An Egyptian"
"Once upon a time, I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart. Nothing I can say, Total Eclipse of the Heart." --Pat Benetar, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
"Don't want to end up a cartoon, in a cartoon graveyard." --Paul Simon "You Can Call Me Al"
"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?" --Culture Club, "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me"
"In the mirror it reflects a tiny dancing skeleton, surrounded by a fleshy overcoat and swaddled in." -- They Might Be Giants, "Rhythm Section Want Ad"
"Sad, sad, sad, sad, why must I be sad? The rows of dandelions growing all around me, why must I be sad?" --They Might Be Giants, "Why Must I Be Sad?"
"Wake me when it's over, touch my face, tell me every word has been erased." --They Might Be Giants, "Everything Right Is Wrong Again"
"You sure weren't rich, didn't drive through the city, never whispered sweet nothings, never dressed up too pretty. You sure weren't perfect, what's perfect these days? You left me, now I'm distraught." --John Flansburgh's (of TMBG) version of "Don't I Have The Right (To Be Loved)?"
"I loved the way you laughed at my failure of a life. I loved your misinterpretations of the things I said." --They Might Be Giants, "What Is Everyone Staring At?"
"They don't need me here and I know you're there, where the world goes by like the humid air." --They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"
"The wisdom of a fool won't set you free." --New Order, "Bizarre Love Triangle"
"And it sticks like a broken record, everything sticks like a broken record, everything sticks until it goes away. And the truth is we don't know anything." --They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"
"Was it something you would do for anybody? Was it what you'd only do for me? Or was it something where you acted when you saw the need? I need to know, cause you see, I want to thank you for putting me back in my snail shell." --They Might Be Giants, "Snail Shell"
"So, take the hand of Mr. Me and, mister, make him glad to swim the mister misty sea and cease the mister mystery that mister made him sad." --They Might Be Giants, "Mr. Me"
"Marshall, Will, and Holly, on a routine expedition, met the greatest earthquake ever known. High on the rapids, it struck there tiny raft, and plunged them down a thousand feet below, to the Land of the Lost!! The Land of the Lost! The Land of the Lost!" --Theme song to "The Last of the Lost" TV series
"I know it's all a masquerade, I know I'm not afraid. You're just what I've been looking for. No other boy could love you more. You're the girl the I adore." --"Angela's Theme", ending song to horror movie "Sleepaway Camp"
"We'd like to now sing this song in dedication. We'd like to dedicate it to all those who have given their lives and who are giving their lives so that all of us may walk this god's Earth, free and equal." --Introduction to Peter, Paul, and Mary's "If I Had A Hammer"
"So, I bought myself some denim pants and a silver guitar. But, I politely told the ladies you'll still have to call me sir. I have to keep my self-respect or I'll never be a star." --They Might Be Giants, "Number Three"
"She looks like a little volcano, with the red head and brown dress." --Dead Milkmen, "Born To Love Volcanos"
"I was born in a lighthouse. My mother was the sea. I crawled to school each morning, when it occurred to me, that life's just a mood ring we're not allowed to see. And this is what it said to me." --They Might Be Giants, "Absolutely Bill's Mood"
"We can go where we want to, we can leave your friends behind. 'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine." --Men Without Hats, "The Safety Dance"
"Every jumbled pile of person has a thinking part that wonders what the part that isn't thinking, isn't thinking of." --They Might Be Giants, "Where Your Eyes Don't Go"
"Travelling in a fried-out combie, on a hippie trail head full of zombie, I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me breakfast. And she said -Do you come from a land down under?-" --Men At Work, "Land Down Under"
"Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams: red, gold, and green. Red, gold, and greeeen." --Culture Club, "Karma Chameleon"
"If you're lost, you can look, you will find me, time after time. If you fall, I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time." --Cyndi Lauper, "Time After Time"
"Chinese people were fighting in the park. We tried to help them fight, no one appreciated that." --They Might Be Giants, "Purple Toupee"
"Somebody put there fingers in the president's ears, and it wasn't too much later they came out with Johnson's Wax." --They Might Be Giants, "Purple Toupee"
"I don't want the world, I just want your half." --They Might Be Giants, "Ana Ng"
"I'm stranded all alone, in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pumps." --Weird Al Yankovic, "One More Minute"
"If money can't buy happiness, I guess I'll have to rent it." --Weird Al Yankovic, "This Is The Life"
Literature
"Start at the beginning, go through to the end, then stop." -King of Hearts, to Alice, "Alice in Wonderland"
"Instead of the world being divided up into Catholics and Protestants or Republicans and Democrats or white men and black men or even men and women, I saw the world divided into people who had slept with somebody and people who hadn't, and this seemed the only really significant difference between one person and another." --Sylvia Plath, "The Bell Jar"
"There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room." --Sylvia Plath, "The Bell Jar"
"...We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem." --Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"With a rubber duck, one's never alone." --Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Computer Games
"Hello, sailor" --an important phrase used in the computer games series "Zork"
"You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door. There is a small mailbox here." --Opening lines from "Zork I"
"Who are you? Don't matter. Want some rye?" --introductory greeting by Boos Myller in the computer game "Return to Zork"
"What's the password? You can't get in without the password. And don't try 'Swordfish', I know it's not that. I tried it myself, I couldn't get in, so I know it's not that." -The Lighthouse Keeper, in "Return to Zork"
"More bugs. Bugs make game fun." --Floyd the robot, "Planetfall"
Famous People / Philosophers
"We have new songs and we don't know how to play them yet. So, we're going to learn to play them and get you to pay us for doing so. Because we're cynical, cynical bastards. (Insert crowd cheer here). And damn you for supporting that. You're all going to hell with us." --They Might Be Giants @ their 9-23-99 concert in Scottsdale, AZ.
"Flatter me, and I may not believe you.
Criticize me, and I may not like you.
Ignore me, and I may not forgive you.
Encourage me, and I may not forget you."
--William Arthur Ward
"Weird people are like chocolate cake... some people can't handle the richness." --Kiki Bernat
"It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me." --Ashleigh Brilliant
"I get dumped a lot. It's one of the hazards of being me." --Anonymous
"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich." --Something I read on a Yahoo! club
"Music self-played is happiness self-made." --They Might Be Giants, on one of their T-shirts
"Be very, very careful what you put into that head, because you will never, ever get it out." --Thomas Cardinal Wolsey
"Artists can color the sky red because they know it is blue. Those of us who aren't artists must color things the way they really are or people might think we're stupid." --Jules Feiffer
"Knowledge is the eye of desire and can become the pilot of the soul." --Will Durant
"I don't make mistakes; I experiment and occasionally get unusual results." --Robert H. Schuller
"A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top." --Anonymous
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal." --Hannah More
"Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality." --Jules De Gaultier
"When God rolls the dice, the dice are loaded." --Russian proverb
"Life is like the mail, sometimes you just don't get it." --Anonymous
"For my heart could not flee away from my heart, nor could I escape from myself since wherever I ran, I should be following." --St. Augustine
"The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails." --William Arthur Ward
"Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600's by a translator." -Useless Fact
"Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection." --Anonymous
"Censorship is about stopping people reading or seeing what we do not want to read or see ourselves." --Lord Diplock
"Oh, I get it. It's simple. PG means the hero gets the girl, 15 means that the villain gets the girl, and 18 means everybody gets the girl." --Michael Douglas (on UK censor ratings)
"If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?" --Marvin Kitman
"Clue: what the police find when they fail to arrest a criminal." --J.B. Morton
"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth." --Lillian Hellman
"Red sky at night, sailor's delight. Red sky in the morning, sailor's take warning." --old wives tale
"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." --F. Scott Fitzgerald
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin." --H.L. Mencken
"As soon as a man is born, he begins to die." --Anonymous
"Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'."--Anonymous
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth." -- Janeane Garofalo
"Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it till last." --Anonymous
"Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat." --Bill Musselman
"Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't." --Peter Seeger
"History is something that never happened, written by a man who wasn't there." --Anonymous
"Reporters are like puppets. They simply respond to the pull of the most powerful strings." --Lyndon B. Johnson
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us." --Alexander Graham Bell
"Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?" --Anonymous
"Patience is a quality you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead." --God's Little Instruction Book
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." --Tallulah Bankhead
"I'm an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of." --Clarence Darrow
"War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace." --Thomas Mann
"Give me a museum and I'll fill it." --Pablo Picasso
"It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper." --Errol Flynn
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together." --Carl Zwanig
"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." --Antoine De Saint-Exupery
"A lover forsaken a new love may get, but the neck when once broken can never be set." --Anonymous
"There's a sucker born every minute." --Phineas T. Barnum
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." --Ashleigh Brilliant
"An apology for the Devil- it must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books. --Samuel Butler
"He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed." --Saki
"Happiness is not a horse; you can't harness it." --Russian proverb
"What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magick in the stick." --Anonymous
"Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible." --Doug Larson
"When you go in search of honey, you must expect to be stung by bees." --Kenneth Kaunda
"Some men see things as they are and say 'why?'. I dream things that never were and say 'why not?'"--Robert F. Kennedy
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." --Sigmund Freud
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die." --Mel Brooks
"A lady is a woman who makes a man behave like a gentleman." --Russell Lynes
"It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees." --Emiliano Zapata
"The person who knows how will always have a job. The person who knows why will always be his boss." --Diane Ravitch
"If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you." --Nietzsche
"You been here 4 hour!! You go now!!" --stand-up comedian John Pinnette
"Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live."
--Dorothy Parker
"There are no such things as strangers, only friends that we haven't met yet." --Anonymous
"Why me?" --Nancy Kerrigan
"Today's mighty oak is yesterday's little nut that held it's ground." --Anonymous
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" --Jean Cocteau
"Ugliness is, in a way, superior to beauty because it lasts." --Serge Gainsbourg
"An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support." --John Buchan
"I don't agree with a word you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." --Voltaire
"Get the facts first. You can distort them later." --Mark Twain
"Never try to reason the prejudice out of a man. It wasn't reasoned into him, and can not be reasoned out." --Sydney Smith
"There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last." --Jules Renard
"The Earth has a skin and that skin has diseases. One of those diseases is man." --Fredrich Nietzsche
"There are two perfectly good men. One dead, and the other unborn." --Chinese Proverb
"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone." --Henrik Ibsen
"He who has been bitten by a snake fears a piece of string." --Persian Proverb
"Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful." --Anonymous
"I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo... in morse code." --Emo Phillips
"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes
"All rivers and people are crooked because they follow the path of least resistance." --Anonymous
"If you find a path with no obstacles, it's probably a path that doesn't lead anywhere." --Anonymous
"If you suck on a tit, the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe, it will be PG." --Jack Nicholson
"Give me a lever long enough, and I shall move the world." --Archimedes
"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work." --Gallagher
"Enjoy what you can, endure what you must." --Goethe
"A fool will learn nothing from a wise man, but a wise man will learn much from a fool." --Confuscious
"Man who put rooster in freezer overnight, wake up with stiff cock." --Confuscious
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot." --Confuscious
"Man who throw watch in toilet have shitty time." --Confuscious
"Man who stick dick in peanut butter is fucking nuts." --Confuscious
"When confronted with a Goliath-sized problem, which way do you respond: 'He's too big to hit?' Or, like David, 'He's too big to miss'?" --God's Little Instruction Book
"God gave men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to work one at a time." --Anonymous
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." --Anonymous
"Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So, I had to buy them again." --Steven Wright
"Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time." --Steven Wright
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? --Steven Wright
"As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." --Anonymous
"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." --Elbert Hubbard
"It sucks when you try your best, and your best sucks." --Andrea Lipman
"The two rules of success: #1- Don't tell everything you know." --Anonymous
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." --Alfred Hitchcock
"I never said all actors were cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle." --Alfred Hitchcock
"What is the difference between apathy and ignorance? I don't know and I don't care." --World Entertainment War
"A cynic is a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset." --James Gould Cozzens
"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding, sings." --Ed Gardner
"Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it." --Unknown
"Be like a duck, calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath." --Michael Caine
"Motivation alone is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot." --Jim Rohn
"A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother." --Unknown
"Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?" --Anonymous
"If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost. You can still call him vile names." --Elbert Hubbard
"Don't complain. The wheel that squeaks the loudest often gets replaced." --Anonymous
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." --Albert Einstein
"Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake." --Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
"Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important." --Lisa Hoffman
"If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction." --Useless Fact
"If a statue in a park of a person on a horse has both legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes." --Useless Fact
"A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes." --Useless Fact
"'101 Dalmations' and 'Peter Pan' are the only 2 Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie." --Useless Fact
"Is it the fourth?" --Last words of Thomas Jefferson, died July 3, 1826
"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." --Last words of Humphrey Bogart
"I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God Damn it - died in a hotel room." --Last words of Eugene O'Neill
"Let's cool it, brothers..." --Last words of Malcolm X
"Go away. I'm all right." --Last words of H.G. Wells
"I have a terrific headache." --Last words of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a cerebral hemorrhage
"I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this." --Last words of Thomas J. Grasso, before he was executed
"And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first - an attempted suicide." --Last words of Chris Hubbock, newscaster who shot herself live on the air
Things I Have Said
"How can you determine your place of birth when you come from an alternate plane of existence?" --Me
"I carve nothing in stone!" --Me
"You can't walk through a bed of roses without stepping on some thorns." --Me, analogizing life
"I beat the million!" --Me, upon getting a score over 1,000,000 on the video game "Smashing Drive"
"Well, he's no Frank Gorshin, that's for sure." --Me, speaking of Jim Carrey portraying the Riddler
"No, I'm not into that." --My answer when asked about cybersex, smoking, drinking, drugs, sports, making out, glamour rock, mainstream music, Martin Lawrence movies, or discussions about religion
"Boy, that girl from the Pepsi commercials is annoying, isn't she??" --after seeing that girl for the 10,000,000,000,000th time
"Hey, it's the 'What do you want on your Tombstone?' guy!! --Me, after seeing an episode of Unhappily Ever After
"Greetings, my fellow bi-peds (and select quadra-peds)." --One of my occasional greetings
"These comic book character bandannas are rare and hard to find." --Me, speaking of my trademark bandannas
"I rent the obscure stuff. Stuff that no one in their right minds would rent. I mean, who else would rent a movie called 'Oh Dad, Poor Dad, Momma's Hung You in the Closet and I'm Feeling So Sad' and actually want to watch it?" --, Me, at the video store
"God, it must be over 300 degrees outside, but luckily, it's on the Kelvin scale." --Me, showing my profound knowledge of configuring temperature scales
"That movie sucked eggs!!!" --The worst possible rating I can give a movie
"Am I the only guy in the world that finds her unattractive?" --Me, commenting on the female singer of the group No Doubt
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