Retineo Amoris


(“On and on the mysteries unwind themselves…

Eternities still unsaid…till you love me…” –Sting)



The floors still creak when I walk in the room.  They are old, slightly dusty, covered with the detritus of age and time’s slow advances, but just as an ancient piano will sing when prompted, even after years of neglect, the tired old slats of expensive blonde wood speak softly as I enter the house.


I have been gone for far too long this time, swept away by a media storm and public expectations, off on a quest whose goal is still elusive, even after years of searching.  The house is quiet and pensive…almost as though the rich furniture and glistening mirrors are watching me, reminding me of a life I thought I had given up.


I asked her to come here…begged her from thousands of miles away, listening to angry static and poignant silences as she considered my offer.  Inexplicably, thankfully, the fates have been kind once again…and for whatever reason, she has agreed to see me, tonight, at the house we once called home.


“I’ll always be there for you, Joshua,” She sighed wistfully, her voice distant through the crackle of the phone.  “Don’t you know that by now?”


That, it seems, is my greatest problem.  Doubt.  Indecision.  Insecurity of the grandest degree.  She promised herself to me and, like a fool, I viewed it in terms of a contract, filled with loopholes and clauses and exceptions and jargon, instead of taking it for what it truly was:


An unconditional statement of fidelity.


I curse myself for my stupidity and long desperately for the single chance to turn back the clock, to pepper every day with statements of affection, with gestures of devotion.  Instead, I have been given this one chance to make it right, to validate all her suffering and anguish…and allow myself, finally, a chance at true happiness.


Why she is still with me after all of the trials and gleeful declarations of misconduct from an ever-watchful press, I’ll never know.  And yet, she’s here.  In this house.  Waiting for me.


I steady my nerves and race up the stairs, slowing my gait for just a second before approaching our old bedroom.  With a shuddering sigh, I press open the door, and lose my breath at the vision before me.


She is seated at the window, her head pillowed by slender arms, legs crossed daintily at the ankle, thin satin nightgown merely hinting at the body I know hides beneath the expensive fabric.  She still takes my breath away, and I feel more acutely the tug of regret, of guilt, at the pain I’ve caused her over the years.  She has sacrificed so much, never demanding anything in return…and for her generosity I have shown fits of rage, months of neglect, bouts with apathy and denial of her very existence.


I hang my head and can barely get my feet to shuffle forward, when I hear her voice, music in the silence.


“Are you just going to stand there, or do you intend to say hello?…”  Her voice is teasing, playful, a smile hidden beneath her words.  I am speechless, still nervous, still worried that at the last minute she will send me away, as I rightfully deserve.


“You worry too much, Joshua…”


Guilty, your honor.  As always, she is right, and meekly I make my way to where she waits for me with outstretched arms.


“Baby, I…” I begin to whisper softly, but she gently presses her fingers to my lips.  I close my eyes at the tender touch, leaning into a palm that gently cups my cheek.


“Shhhhhhh…it’s okay…” She whispers, her voice a soothing caress.  My heart aches with helpless adoration.


I stare into eyes so kind and caring, wondering what sort of favor, what magnificent act of generosity I’ve performed in another life to earn me the right to call this creature mine.  I do not deserve such luxury, cannot conceive of even entertaining the notion that she and I belong together.  She is far too good for someone like me.  I can offer her nothing but money and a heart stained with foolish indiscretions and selfish pleasures.


“I…I’ve been gone too long this time, angel…I’ve missed you…need you…”


My words are halted by the sweet, sweet taste of her lips on mine.  It is but a kiss, and yet that simple gesture renders me helpless, a slave to my own desire, desperate to do whatever I can to bring a smile to her face.  She moans softly as my fingers wind into her thick black hair, pressing her body closer to mine.  A shiver of desire races up my spine, my cock hardening inside my pants.


“I want to make love to you…” I murmur quietly, eagerly tracing her skin, fingers carefully slipping to the straps of her gown.  I have waited forever to feel her body’s heat again…waited through months of touring, of brutal press, of doubts and denouncements from our so-called “faithful.”  It has been a year riddled with uncertainty, with the heavy burden of The Unknown, and my only solace has been the memory of her body in my arms.  Adrift on my own sea of bleak emotion, I barely notice when she carefully threads her fingers through my scalp, tugging gently and then not-so-gently at my curls.


“Come back to me, Joshua,” She chides without malice, and I rest my forehead against her chest. She knows…always knows when my demons come to call…allowing me to visit the darkness but never to linger, enticing me back with the gleam of love in her eyes.  Her kindness overwhelms me, and my eyes begin to burn.


“What’s this?” She whispers, and I feel her fingers across my face.  I hide in her neck, refusing to allow her to see my tears, my lip trembling when she turns to meet my watery gaze.


“I love you,” She says simply, sincerely, and my tenuous grip on my emotions falters.  I crush her mouth to mine, tracing the seam of her lips roughly, plundering her mouth with sweeping caresses, eager to show her that her sacrifices, her heartbreaks, her setbacks have not been in vain.


“Love you,” I groan, nibbling her earlobe, the heady scent of her perfume clouding my senses.  I whisper the words again, kissing gently but urgently along her neck, licking and sucking as my mouth moves indiscriminately.  My fingers roam as freely as my lips, skating downwards to test the fullness of one satin breast in my palm, sighing as I become reacquainted with the woman I have so sorely missed.  “God…I love you…”


She does not answer with words, but instead removes her gown, exposing her body to my hungry eyes.  She is perfect, and I nearly collapse at the sight of her naked form…from the smooth lines of her shoulders…to the twin high curves of supple breasts, full with arousal.  I imagine them pressed against my chest, feeling the delicate nubs of flesh crowning each mound against the rough surface of my tongue…suckling them desperately until her keening cries make me nearly dizzy with desire.  I moan as my eyes fall upon the sparse thatch of hair protecting her most private parts, and I lick my lips hungrily, craving her taste.


“Joshua, please…” She begs urgently, and my eyes roll back in my head as she takes my hand within hers and guides it to her center.


Sweet Christ…hot and wet and soft and silky…I can barely cage my lust enough to begin a delicate exploration with careful, anxious fingers.


“Touch me, Joshua…” She whispers, her voice so filled with need I can practically taste it on my tongue.  “Please…touch me…”


I swallow hard, my throat clicking in the thick silence of the room.  I hold her lust-filled gaze with my own, trying to convey without words every thought, every naughty fantasy playing out in Technicolor in the hidden recesses of my mind.


“Show me how…” I breathe, voice husky, sliding the very tip of my finger over the tiny knot of desire hidden in her folds.  Her lips are trembling, her eyes fluttering half-open/half-closed.  It fills me with power to know that I’m the cause of that look…I’m the one who has made her tremble and writhe and moan.


She sighs, her grip on my biceps tightening, and I can see the faintest of blushes coloring her cheeks.  She is shy…and my more primitive self can’t contain a sharp stab of carnal desire at her youthful innocence.


“It’s okay, baby…” I whisper, slowly continuing to stroke her intimately.  “Just show me…it’s just me and you…that’s all…”  I make my voice soothing, seductive, smiling slowly while teasingly brushing my lips across her mouth.


She takes my hand in hers, and together we lead it to the apex of her thighs, fondling and stroking and playing with the hidden moist folds of skin.  It is sexy and intimate and tender and so fucking erotic I want to die…


“Baby please…” I groan, dropping my head to her shoulder, breath escaping in heaving gasps.  Her skin is so hot against my forehead, and I grind my hips against the gentle curve of her belly, aching for some kind of contact.  “I need…I have to…”


“I know,” She soothes, and I feel her capable fingers at the closure of my pants.  I am radiating heat, dripping pre-cum, anxious to feel her body wrapped around me.  She smiles, a sexy, slow smirk stretching those pouting lips…an angel in devil’s shoes, salvation in the heart of a sinner.  God…


A moment later all the available air in the room is sucked from my lungs as her hand closes around my aching cock.  Sweet, rough friction engulfs me and a ragged moan escapes my throat as my head falls back and my hips lurch forward.  I cannot control the gentle thrusting motion of my hips, and I groan helplessly as her grip tightens, stroking my straining sex with a strong, rough heat.  I am so fucking hard, and so hot, and so desperate to be inside her that I can barely breathe.


“I need you, honey…” I choke, body shivering, pleasure licking over every exposed surface of skin.  “Now…”  Her breath is hot, damp against my neck, and I grasp eagerly at her ass, tugging her body to mine, grinding sensuously against the wet heat of her body.  Our lips tangle as our bodies collide, flesh upon flesh, heat ratcheting ever-higher as we moan and pant and strain against each other.


“Take me,” She whispers, and I abandon restraint.


Our coupling is rough, hot and sweet…sliding into her slick smooth softness…feeling her thighs wrap around my waist…mouth closing over puckered pink nipples…lips skating over an expanse of throat, plush lips and flushed cheeks…hearing her wild cries…feeling her body tighten almost painfully around my throbbing cock…and then…








Body pliant, at the mercy of the pleasure that crashes down like a thousand angry tidal waves…hearing the ocean of heated, boiling blood rushing through my ears and down to my groin and behind eyes blind with sensation.


I can’t move…I can’t think…I can’t breathe…save for thoughts of her.


Slowly, lazily…I return to myself…to the blissful reality of lying in the arms of the woman who loves me, cradled close to her sweaty body...tasting her skin on my tongue, hearing her heart pulse below the supple lush smoothness of perfect soft skin...her fingers tracing mindless patterns along my spine….  I feel hot tears escape onto my cheeks, and I remain so weak with orgasm that I can’t muster the effort to brush them away.


“Shhhh…don’t cry, baby…” She whispers again, and I duck my head in shame.  Embarrassed.  Ashamed at losing control.  Horrified at the very picture of idiocy I must have painted for her in clear, bright colors…


“I love you, Joshua…I love you…”


And with those simple words, my demons are vanquished.  All of my colors turn to the blue in her eyes and the red in her lips and the endless black of her gorgeous hair.  I blink, close my eyes, and kiss her sweetly.


“Love you, angel…” I murmur, before sleep’s tide drags me under.  “Love you…”


Finally, there is peace in the silence.



© 2002 ~A.