Resolution.
Someday, I think, I won’t be so naïve. I won’t believe every blessed rumor or scrutinize
every photograph or allow myself to be sucked in by the relentless tide of the
tabloids. I will learn to stand with my
head tall, not cowering under the covers, away from the pointed lenses of
hungry photographers.
I’ll be able to look reporters in the eye when they ask me questions, and
answer them truthfully and without hesitation. I won’t have to spend hours in front of a
mirror, practicing those perfect statements that reveal absolutely nothing but
speak volumes.
Maybe I won’t have to be embarrassed walking down the street in clothes that
are very fashion-forward but nothing like me. I won’t feel ashamed when I throw on my
favorite pair of comfy jeans and a ratty old sweater, because I won’t give a
damn what people think.
I’ll learn not to hold my breath when my name is announced at major award
ceremonies, and learn to accept defeat gracefully instead of cursing loud and
long at my own follies. The words “it’s
all my fault” or “damn judges” or “it’s not fair” will be all but banned from
my vocabulary, because I won’t have that bitter drive to win everything, want
everything, need everything.
I’ll learn to appreciate my girlfriend for who she is, not what she does. And I’ll learn to listen when she tells me
about her day, instead of brushing her off just so I can babble about mine. Maybe I’ll take her advice seriously instead
of just using her as a sounding board, and I won’t get uptight when she takes
someone else’s side instead of mine. I’ll
learn that maybe I’m not always right, and that the
opinions of others, though different from mine, are not automatically wrong.
I won’t be afraid to let people get close to me, nor will I refuse to
acknowledge that closeness. Phrases like
“I love you” and “I need you” and “I’m really glad we’re friends” will become
regular parts of my vernacular, instead of fleeting statements made in an
alcohol-induced stupor.
I’ll learn to ask for help…to go to those who love me when I’m tired or scared
or lonely or down, instead of holing myself up in my expensive house with the
sophisticated architecture and modern furnishings. I won’t feel weak or vulnerable when that help
comes willingly, nor will I feel a need to “settle the score,” to repay a debt
of kindness that was given altruistically. I will thank sincerely the generous friend or
lover or member of my family and earnestly remind them that if they need
anything, ANYTHING…they can come to me. And I will live up to that promise.
Maybe, someday…not too far from now…I’ll learn to relax. I won’t feel quite so bad about going outside
in my bathrobe or taking a weekend off, because it won’t matter to me if a
picture with bad lighting or a funny expression shows up in the Star.
When I’m
sitting at my piano, frustration clearly evident, the words elusive and the
music nonexistent, I’ll learn to snap down that black lacquered cover and just
let it go. I won’t force the issue and
make myself write, when I am not feeling the music. I will learn to write for me.
I will smile more, not fearing the awkward nature of my teeth or the way my
eyes crinkle up or the fact that I emphatically believe I look like a chipmunk
when I’m laughing for real. Maybe I’ll
learn to take teasing a little better, instead of taking the jokes to heart. Maybe I’ll learn to joke in return, and not spew
cheesy one-liners that I heard on some comedy show or other. I’ll learn to make people laugh…and not
because I’ve screwed up yet again.
…And about screwing up? I want to think
I won’t mind it so much. I want to think
that it won’t bother me when I can’t do something perfectly, or when somebody
doesn’t do something the way I want it to be done, or doesn’t bother doing it
at all. I won’t grind my teeth and purse
my lips when someone messes up things in my kitchen, or borrows my stuff
without asking, or doesn’t take me seriously. I’ll just roll my eyes and count to ten and
take some deep breaths…and let it go.
This year will be better. This year will
be perfect. This year will be the one
when I finally come into my own, loving myself and
learning to love those around me…and letting the work come second, because life
is about relationships, not about what you do for a living.
Someday, I think, I won’t be so naïve.
© 2002 ~A