22 December 2001 Saturday 7a.m Dear Eric, I think you are probably surprised to get this letter from me. I'm very anxious now.. I don't know how I'm going to phrase my sentences.. but I'll try to keep a clear head over what I'm going to say. Actually, throughout these 19 months, I've been keeping something to myself. I guess it's time to say things out because...I dunno why.. but I just want to tell you. Maybe its because I feel that suddenly, I have no other choice... suddenly I'm at the end of a long road...and I can't walk any further.. I can't take it anymore. I have something serious to say. I hope you will understand that I'm NOT joking. I know that I always tok nonsense and joke with you but now, I'm in a serious mood. Hmmm.. actually.. I.. I wish to tell you that I love someone. This has something to do with 14052000. Remember you always ask me what is the meaning of 14052000?? Hmmm,...yeah I love someone... ANd...that someone is YOU. 14052000==> 14th May 2001. I have been loving you for 1 year and 7 months do u know that?.. I know that I can't define how long I've loved someone by using dates and numbers... but I chose this date: 14/5/2001 for many reasons. One of the reasons are.. I was afraid that you would not believe me when I say that I love you one day. You might think that my story about waiting for you and loving you for years are all craps. So.. I purposely put this date .. and even use as irc nick.. as evidence... to prove that I had really loved you for years and I'm not kidding and cooking up stories... So now you know what 14052000 stands for?.. And.. I also set up #Sweet_MemoryZ_Lane for you. I knew that very soon in yr 2000, you would be graduating from Deyi and I was scared of losing contact with you. So I set up the channel.. and I also set it up in May 2000... all in relation to 14052000. I gave you the higest access for these past years... It was actually to hint you that I LOVE YOU.. to hint that you are only one who could have something to do with my channel. .... Right now, I have SO MANY THINGS to tell you.. but I don't think I will ever have enough time in the world to tell you everything. For these past years, I did many things because of you.. you are not aware but its ok. Maybe whatever I did are no big deals.. but to me, it showed how much I cared for you. I dunno how to phrase my sentences now.. I'm confused. but one thing's for sure. I mean every word I say. I love you. This homepage was also made for you. I wanted to tell you very much about my feelings.. but I was scared. I can't probably say it face to face or wad... In fact.. I know.. I realize that u and me dun really noe each other in the sense that we don't go out or tok on fone etc. I don't care about all this but my feelings for you are true. I remember so much about you... The very first time I got acquainted with you was over the Internet Relay Chat somewhere in late August 1999. I remember clearly how we met (on Irc I mean). You were quarrelling with your friends on #deyi chatroom main. Then, they said things about wanting to fight with you and etc. Being a newbie, I did not know that such "empty" quarrels were common on irc. I thought that you people were really gonne have it out and out of concern, I private messaged you as I somehow felt that you were ,.. hmm.. somesort of a innocent person. The first thing I said to you was to advice you not to fight. Then you told me that you weren't serious about fighting with them at all and did not mean it. Then, we continued to chat.... and we chatted... Well, after saying all this, I don't know if you remember all this at all or not. However, just to let you know, I still remember how I met you. Next, I challenged you that I would find out who you are in just a matter of one week and I really did. The first time I met you was when you had to receive a prize on the stage for WITS (if i'm not wrong). My first impression on you was that you looked innocent and I felt that you were a nice person. Although I'd seen you, you had not seen me yet. By the time a month had passed by, we'd already known the identity of each other. Oh yes, you might be wondering why the hell did I fall for you. Everytime I chatted with you, I would notice a good point in you. I could sense so many things in you. I felt that you were a good friend to me or rather, i considered you as one of my closest friends. I could get along very well with you , communicate with you and I could just tell you everything about myself and my problems without hesitating. This was something that I never was able to do with my other (guy) good friends. After a few months, I began to realize the good points in you. I saw truth, kindness and cheerfulness in you. I could feel it whenever I chatted with you. Our conversations showed me the real you. (Yeah you might think that chatting on IRC isn't serious and therefore think that I'm kinda childish to judge you from IRC only. However, I didn't judge you that way. I just could feel it whenever both of us talked. There was this something.. that I could feel from you. ) I decided to wait for you for 2 yrs after much thought.. On May 7 2000, I thought.. I felt I had fallen in love.. but.. However at that time, I was not sure of my feelings. Maybe it was just a crush. So I chided myself and thought about it for a week before I finally could analyse my feelings and come to a decision. Yes. I love you. Although I loved you, I did not want to tell you so. I have many reasons for doing so. First, I am scared of rejection. 2nd, I have no confidence in myself. 3rd, I did not want short term relationships. I got reminded of my past. 4th, I felt that you were still an immature guy. You were playful and I know that you might not be able to feel what is real love. So...After giving much thought, I came to a decision. Call me stupid, silly or anything you want, but I don't care. I decided to wait for you for 2 years. I strongly felt that 2 years would be enough time to wake you up. I believed that you would be more matured, be able to think clearly and know what you want. I thought I would be able to somehome influence you to change. It would also give me time to think and decide if my feeling for you is true. Sad to say, till now, I still ask myself if the decision I made 19 months ago was wrong or right. Sometimes I feel stupid and foolish. For the past 1 year+, you've hurt me a lot but I never could say anything to you. I had to keep all my feelings buried deep in my heart. I love you so much but you never knew it. You will never understand the pain I went through all this years.......... Do you know what it feels like to love someone without letting the person know? Do you know what it feels like to love someone but he only treats you as his friend? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and still having to listen to him when he talk about other girls? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and suddenly that person tells you that he has got a girlfriend? Do you know what it feels like to love someone and still to encourage you to go after another girl ...and even help him to pursue the girl he likes? .....This list can carry on and on but I won't list all because I bet you will not understand the hurt I went through for these past year or so. Anyway.. I'm finally confessing all this to you. I haf confessed and I'm asking for nothing.. I just want to tell you I love you.. and I will always love you.. I'm not asking you to love me back(since you probably nv liked me b4) I'm not asking anything from you. I'll love you always. I won't make things awkward for you even after today.. coz u won't be seeing me anymore... as in.. there won't be TwEeTy^-^ in #sweet_memoryz_lane anymore.. You can stay in my channel and I hope you do. Dun worry, I won't step into my channel anymore, I won't msg you anymore. I won't disturb you anymore. I won't sms u anymore. At least for these few months, I'll try to disappear from ur life. BUT it doesn't mean that I will stop loving you. I wish you all the best in your future endearvourse.. and I hope you graduate from jc next yr with flying colours. Goodbye. Oh yes, although I will avoid you, you can still email me if you have anything to say but I can't promise that I'll reply but I'll definitely read. I hope I will succeed in hiding from you. bye~
