Dream a little dream
Disclaimers: I own nothing. This is purely for fun and I make no profit off this work of fan fiction.
A/N Congrats, Nutter and Happy Hatch Day to the Limpet!
It’s too soon to feel you moving inside me but I know you’re there. I know you’re forming and soon you’ll flutter and I’ll know. I can breathe easy then. Now it all seems so strange and I can’t say that it isn’t but when I close my eyes, when I pretend you’re here already, it’s all fine and there’s not a trace of the darkness and violence that led me here. I imagine you all the time. I imagine your eyes will be blue and your hair will be dark, I imagine that you will be smart and witty like my brothers and father, athletic like them too. I imagine you will have my mother’s hands, so nimble and quick. I can see you in my mind’s eye, growing into a fine person, doing more with your life than I ever could. When I dream of you, you are whole. You don’t have to hide like your mother. You are pure and perfect and I’ve done one thing right with my life.
At night, when I can’t sleep, I dream of you with my eyes open. I see myself reflected in windows and mirrors and feel dread that you will see me like this. I can’t hold a falsehood forever and one day you will have to see me as I am. What will you think of my eyes, I wonder, of my hair and my skin? What will I do if you’re born like me? Marked apart from the rest of the world not by ability or gift but by skin alone? I can’t let myself dwell on that. I was told by someone who might know that there is a chance you will be born without this stigma and can live a normal life. Almost normal. You will be a mutant like me, almost like me. You will be special, my baby, special and so important.
I spread my fingers over my abdomen and try to feel the butterfly wing flutter of your life within me but it’s too soon yet. I’ve named you a thousand times over in my mind, called to you, prayed for you, dreamed of you… I will not say carrying you has been a pleasure from the start but I know you’re within me and I worry that you can feel my fears and worries. I worry that something will happen that I can’t fix or control. What if you’re taken from me because I’m different? What if you get sick or hurt? My life is not made for a baby to share. My life is not made for anyone to share, not really. When I dream of you, you are surrounded by siblings and maybe a dog, playing and laughing, running across green grass to a mother who will pick you up in her arms, lift you high and kiss you until you giggle for her to stop. When I dream of you, you are healthy and happy. You never worry about where your next meal will come from or where your mother is. When I dream of you, your life is never in danger because of who you are or who I am or who we know. My dreams show me a life for you where you will always have love and the good kind of adventure, where you will have friends and a family and holidays and one day, a little girlfriend to slip notes to in class and follow around on the playground. I dream of you as a man, without the doubts and fears that I have, living and loving as I cannot. When I dream of you, you understand why I have to do this and you don’t hate me. You don’t think I abandoned you out of spite or because I don’t love you. I do. I love you so much my heart can burst with it, I think, if I let it. I love you so much that I can’t stand the thought of you sharing my life. I love you so much that I have to let you go. I’ll keep you in my dreams, my beautiful baby, my own, my love. I’ll hold you there and watch you grow. I’ll hope for you there and one day, if we ever get to meet after your birth, I will share my dreams with you so you know just how much your mother loves you.
