SHIT!

If you were a lion, and there was a mouse, and the mouse was a cute mouse, and the mouse bent over, what would you do?
stick your lion dick in his mouse ass
you could take your lion tounge and lick his mouse ass
you could turn him around and stick your lion dick in his mouse mouth
you could take your lion ass and shit on the mouse
you could jack off and drown the tiny mouse in cum

JACK HANDEY'S DEEP THOUGHTS

1. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

2. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

3. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

4. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

5. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

6. Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

7. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

8. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

9. Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.

10. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch For Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch For _Pretty_ Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter ! And I thought I was lazy !

11. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasureable -- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

12. Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then, the story was over and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long though

13. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we _build_ to that.

14. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

15. I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

16. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what _is_ that thing ?!

17. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.

18. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

19. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

20. The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some tree there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

21. Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.

22. I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

23. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven - with a gun."

24. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."

25. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

26. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

27. I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he's spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner !" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

28. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

29. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

30. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula _and_ Superman away.

31. Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.

32. I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I ?" "Well," said the Coach, "you never were really _on_ the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He see something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

33. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most ? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you ? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.

34. When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.

35. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

36. If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch you lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

37. It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

38. Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

39. The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.

40. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

41. Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he punched me again.

42. If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

43. Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common screws, can make a child look like a deer.

44. The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.

45. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

46. When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

47. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was _that_?!"

48. I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.

49. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

50. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing.

51. Too bad there's not such thing as a _golden_ skunk, because you'd probably be _proud_ to be sprayed by one.

52. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

53. To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big "thing." This is truth, to me.

54. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

55. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

56. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

57. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

58. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

59. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.

60. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.

61. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

62. As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

63. If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, don't stop an start thinking of what other words have "under" in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.

64. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

65. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

66. I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watch dogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.

67. I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

68. I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.

69. I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy -- something like that.

70. It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.

71. If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

72. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

73. It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.

74. If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.

75. People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.

76. If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

77. When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes.

78. I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick "Americans" as their mascot.

79. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

80. If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.

81. I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.

82. If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in you act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

83. Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

84. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

85. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.

86. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

87. I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

88. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

89. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?

91. Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because _where_does_he_think_he's_going_?!

92. Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

102. Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.

186. You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)

191. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

192. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

312. When I think of some of the things that have been done in the name of science, I have to cringe. No, wait, not science, vandalism. And not cringe, laugh.

383. Mom used to make the most beautiful Easter eggs. Then she'd hide them in the backyard. But they were so beautiful, when we found one, we weren't allowed to pick it up. We had to point at it, and then Mom would come pick it up with her white gloves and put it back in its case. Somebody ended up smashing all those eggs with a hammer. I think it was our dog.

420. Remember when the teacher would forget to give the class homework and you'd raise your hand and tell her she forgot, there would always be people who would moan and complain. Didn't you hate those people?

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience"

"It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway"

"It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow"

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life"

"Who's more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows him?"
- Obi Wan Kenobi

"If you ever drop your keys in a pool of molten lava, just let them go, 'cuz man, they're gone"

"If you ever drop your keys in a pool of molten lava, just let them go, 'cuz man, they're gone"

"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying"

"Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science; it's brain surgery!"
- Mr. Burns

"Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking nerfherder!"
- Leia Organa

"Who's scruffy looking?"
- Han Solo

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"
- Obi-Wan Kenobi

"Try not. Do or do not. There is no try"
- Yoda

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on"
- Robert Frost

"I've got a bad feeling about this"
- lots of people in Star Wars

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'"

"Never tell me the odds"
- Han Solo

"Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances, sometimes it's now or never..."

"If it weren't for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn't get done"
- Michael Traylor

"Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europe vincendarum ( Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe )"

"Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*****!"
- John McClane

"Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has...how embarrassing. How embarrassing"
- Master Yoda

"Your mama is so fat, when she sings, it's over"

"It’s hard to look in the mirror these days, when everyone else is what I’d rather be"
- Chris Conley

"Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter"
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

"He thought that as long as you could laugh, especially at yourself, you’d always heal from any trauma"

"What we do in life echoes in eternity"
- Maximus

"If you cannot recognize the man in the mirror, it is time to step back and see when you stopped being yourself"

"Good-bye's make you think. They make you realize what you've had, what you've lost and what you've taken for granted"

"Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon everything's different"
- Calvin & Hobbes

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on, or you will learn to fly"

"We got hosed, Timmy. We got hosed"

"Now this is going to pinch a little...in the sense that World War II was just a little skirmish"

I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a "surprise vacation." We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there. We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning. We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop.
I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?

"Life is like a box of condoms, no matter which one you pick you are still going to get screwed."

"Penalties against possession of a drug should not be more damaging to an individual that the use of the drug itself." - President Jimmy Carter, 2-August-1977

"In their mad excitement the men tear the garments from their bodies, throw away their weapons, fling the turbans from their heads and, naked to the waist, with dishevelled hair and eyes ablaze and extended arms, they continue their mad antics, until foaming at the mouth and bleeding from the nostrils, they sink to the earth and lie huddled in heaps, hopelessly and helplessly intoxicated with the hemp." - New York Herald: Orgies of the Hemp Eaters, 1895

"Oh, I got hallucinated, went around the world a few times... I refused to do it again. " - Dr James Munsch, medical consultant to the Bureau of Narcotics from 1930-62, on smoking pot

"The Canadian charter of rights and freedoms is probably the worst piece of legislation ever introduced into Canada. In pre charter days the police could sneak onto your property at night, smell pot and arrest you" -- Constable Lyle Simpson, June 2000 Interview

"If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

"Why anybody would want to do drugs when there are computers available is a mystery to me" - Bob Bickford

"I tell them I don't need drugs to get high or be cool: I can do it with alcohol, my anti-drug." - The Onion

"They used to burn witches. Today we laugh at them. Today we jail people for marijuana. Tomorrow they'll laugh at us." - Robert "Rosie" Rowbotham

* Michael Bloomfield - New York City Mayor

Mr. Bloomberg is the mayor of the most populated city in the United Sates. He new the media would pick it up and run with it. Its just his suttle way of saying - its time. A journalist asked Mr Bloomberg if he had ever smoked marijuana.
He Said:

"You bet i did and i enjoyed it"

"Congress Should definitely consider decriminalizing possession of marijuana. We should concentrate on prosecuting the rapist and burglars who are a menace to society."

* Louis Armstrong - Music Legend

"It really puzzles me to see marijuana connected with narcotics dope and all of that stuff. It is a thousand times better than whiskey. It is an assistant and a friend."

* Dog8mybag - regular guy

"When you leave home with one lighter and come home with three the road trip to your friends was a good one."

* Willie Nelson - Country Musician

"The biggest killer on the planet is stress and I still think the best medicine is and always has been cannabis."

* Stephen King - Author

" I think that marijuana should not only be legal, I think it should be a cottage industry. It would be wonderful for the state of Maine. There's some pretty good homegrown dope. I'm sure it would be even better if you could grow it with fertilizers and have greenhouses. "

* DEA Judge Francis Young

"...marijuana is one of the safest, therapeutically active substances known to man."

* Biblical - Genesis 1:29

"And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat."

* Bill Clinton - Former U.S. President

"When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale."
I understand Bill, I dont inhale either

* Harry S. Truman - Former U.S. President

"When even one American who has done nothing wrong is forced by fear to shut his mind and close his mouth, then all Americans are in peril."

* Spliff Jenkins - Stoner

"If it itches...... scratch it."

Drugs:Marijuana
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

- Bill Hicks

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?

- Bill Hicks

I have never seen people on pot get in a fight, because it's fucking impossible.

- Bill Hicks

And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said "There is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create republicans."

- Bill Hicks

You would think that pot had some kind of power; I mean come on, it’s a plant, not a reason for living. Controlled by a plant, how hilarious. A plant! A fucking plant!

-Henry Rollins

"Be Glad You Got What You Got When You Get What You Get Because Besides
What You Got You Ain't Gettin' SHIT"

"The Luck is Gone, The Brain is Shot, But the Liquor we still got!!!"

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed, A friend without weed is a friend in
need."

"Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly"

"He who stands on toilet, is high on pot"

"Mary had a little bud, It was tight and green, And everywhere that Mary went
They had to clean the screen"

"God made grass, man made booze, who do you trust???????

"Eat, drink and smoke Mary...for tommorow you may die."

"Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life so let's get wasted and have the
time of our life!"

"When I'm dead & in my grave, No more pot & whiskey will I crave, On my
tombstone it shall be seen. Here lie the bones of a smoking machine."

"An empty bowl needs to be filled and a full bowl needs to be emptied."

"If you are not wasted, then the day is."

"Marijuana creates a separate brain when you are stoned. (kinda like creating a new
folder on your computer) Early in a stoners smoking stature (life) the brain is
infant like; simple things and ideas appear to be difficult and the stoned person has
impared movement and gets paranoid easily etc. The more the person gets stoned
the more advanced the stoner brain becomes. It grows like a child does, and
becomes more experienced until a point when it matures and skills are enhanced
past the level of a normal stone free mind. My theory of marijuana brain
enhancement along with long term research concludes that smoking marijuana can
make you smarter and better at almost everything than not smoking marijuana. So
in conclusion I recommend getting stoned often because practice makes perfect."

"Dude, I know why we can't sleep.. Because our pupils are so big that our eyelids
can't fit over them."

"Roll, roll, roll a joint, pass it down the line, take a toke, inhale the smoke, now
yer feelin' fine"

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana, Jack got high, unzipped his fly, but Jill said "I don't wanna."

Don’t yell profanity at a cop in the middle of crowded street when you are an inebriated minor that just happens to be with a group of other minors who’ve also been drinking heavily. Turned out ok the first time…but in general…bad idea.

When using a urinal for the love of god DO NOT TAKE THE MIDDLE STALL…. because from then on you are the guy that took the middle stall and there is nobody worse than middle stall guy.

Do not completely trash a pop machine that is less than a block away from your friend’s house…and if you do decided to do this. Lie to the fucking cops but don’t lie to the cops for two months and then decided to tell the truth…. that just makes it look like you have no principles.

Do ridicule old people….. In general it is a good time.

Don't doubt the ability of a good racial slur to break the ice in a room full of strangers.

Do say more positive things about Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Do yell and shout random obscenities at referees while attending any sporting event. P.S. "The fat guy lies"...is always a big hit.

Don't choose Political Science as your major in college, you think I'm joking....but really...don't do it...pick anything else....just not poli sci.

Don't drink for 16hrs. without eating.

*Don't spend a day digging a fire pit right next to a giant propane tank. submitted by: Dave O. Bozeman, MT

*Don't spend another day digging a fire pit a long ways from a popane tank and then never use the fire pit. submitted by: Dave O. Bozeman, MT

*Don't run out of your bathroom naked screaming "abooga booga booga" before you find out if your girlfriend is alone. submitted by: Dave O. Bozeman, MT

*Don't hide a cheeseburger in a cupboard while the cops are looking in the window. submitted by: Dave O. Bozeman, MT

Do begin all conversations with strangers with the line " Alright Jagoff make this quick."

Don't take anyone who uses the phrase "gatfood yo" very seriously.

Do make an attempt to use the phrase "easy peasy Japanesey" every time you are talking to an Asian foreign exchange student.

Don't knock on heaven's door......just ring the bell and run...I hear they really hate that.

Don't take shit from midgets.

Don't go out drinking when you know that you have to work early the next day. Because even though you think you will be able to stop drinking and go home fairly early...you will never make it back home and you will be forced to go to work completely hung over and still kind of drunk. submitted by: anonymous

Don't trust a man with Velcro shoes.

Do buy stuff from Wal-Mart, use it one time and take it back.

Don't sneeze while taking a piss.

Don't tell someone you hope 'they die in a fiery car crash', because they will just say 'I hope your driving'....man how did I not see that coming.

Don't throw beer at a bartender....from what I've experienced you are likely to get banned for life from that bar.

Don't spend 2 1/2 hours and $20 to make a large sign that says "of Beers" just so that you can hang it under a sign that says "Jesus is King" because some rat bastard will come an tear it down be for the world really has a chance to appreciate it.

Don't be one of "Those" people.

Don't steal a fat man's French fries.

Don't ride the bus.

Let us burn one from end to end,
And pass it over to me my friend.
Burn it long, we'll burn it slow,
To light me up before I go.

If you don't like my fire, then don't come around,
'cause I'm gonna burn one down.
Yes, I'm gonna burn one down.

My choice is what I choose to do,
And if I'm causing no harm, it shouldn't bother you.

Your choice is who you choose to be,
And if you're causin' no harm, then you're alright with me.

If you don't like my fire, then don't come around,
'cause I'm gonna burn one down.
Yes, I'm gonna burn one down.

Herb the gift from the earth,
And what's from the earth is of the greatest worth.
So before you knock it try it first,
Oh, you'll see it's a blessing and not a curse.

If you don't like my fire, then don't come around,
'cause I'm gonna burn one down.
Yes, I'm gonna burn one, oohhh

-- Ben Harper - Burn One Down

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis.

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent."
RD Laing.

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace.

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips.

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening.

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin.

"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
Joan Rivers.

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen.

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John.

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Munroe.

"I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person."
Jo.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
WC Fields.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"I like children - fried."
W.C. Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
Sacha Guitry.

"Life is a bitch and then you die."

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
Al Capone.

"I rob banks because that's where the money is."
Willie Sutton.

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
Gore Vidal.

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?"
Steven Wright.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit."
Peter Beckmann.

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Rich Cook.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."
Woody Allen.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are."
Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

"You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants."
Eddie Izzard.

"Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."
Denis Leary.

Keep Road Rage to Yourself...Hit a Tree!

If a person with an artificial heart still loves their parents. Then love is all in the mind!"

"I can do it...I'm just not into it right now!"

"Don't worry about it kid. Having your first major league at bat against Koufax is like losing your virginity to the prom queen."

Jenny Jones being the impartial host that she is, asked the girl questions that everybody wanted to know: "why are you doing it"? I guess Jenny forgot that it doesn't matter why 11 year olds do anything, because they're, get this, 11. The bovine-like mother just sat back nodding her head saying "I can't control her! I've tried everything!" Yeah? Well have you tried GROWING SOME BALLS AND STOMPING YOUR LITTLE SHIT INTO SUBMISSION, YOU DUMB BITCH? She's 11 years old. Do something about it. Holy shit people are stupid. Why is this on TV?

You are welcome back to view common updates that will be located under the last quote/story.

If anyone knows who said any of these quotes that just dont have names under them please let me know so i can correct my little page. Also if you feel one of these entries was "lame" let me know. Email me at Nickmo86@msn.com.

days 'til 4/20/2003.