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My DickCheese

This Site is underconstruction, but come back soon, I'll be setting up some stuff.
A couple months ago, some teenagers tried to bum cigarettes off of me as I walked by. Since I don't smoke, I told them I didn't smoke. What I should've done is given them the Lam's family backhand and a complimentary dragon-kick to the 'nads. That would've messed their sperm up more than cigarettes do.

Here are 5 reasons why I think smoking is stupid: (let me break it down with some Tom Wong logic)

1) You're paying $7.89 a pack to smell like crap

2) You're paying money to slowly kill yourself

3) While you're busy slowly killing yourself, you're also taking resources that other more productive people need, ie. food, air, shelter, clothing, etc.

4) a) I pay taxes to cure smokers from illnesses they suffer from smoking. Fair? Nah... not really

b) Even worst, they sit in the hospital from their totally preventable diseases and take up spots from people who actually deserve treatment.

5) If you smoke, you're dumbing down you're sperm/eggs and creating stupid and ugly children.

Edit: 6) This one's for Tom: "it'll blow up any gas station when you smoke". You see, Tom's very concerned about the well being of oil prices and various global and political issues. Being a fan of George W. Bush's oil crusade, Tom Wong implores you not to smoke at gas stations because that would drive the price of oil up if you were to have an accident.


British people call their cigarettes 'fags'. Kids, next time you want to smoke, remember, you're placing a fag in your mouth. Suck it, suck that fag. Breathe it, taste it, then blow it. Blow that smoke like you just don't care. You're cool now.



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Anyone notice how kids nowadays type all stupid? They think they're all cool and stuff, but they actually look really foolish.

First they pretend to be Black Chinese people: 'Yo dawg, look @ meh, i'm da bomb dude, i'm in da 9th grade an i dun even no how ta spell. I lystin ta 50 cent. I'm wai kewl. Yo, word'

And then it regresses to the honger typing: 'ooo, i luv yu babi. frenz 4eva la~ to da end~~~ ^_^ dun forget ah, call me up wor~ c u. p.s. ~~~ letz go take sum card fotos at da mall la~** fun fun la'

oh wait, then there's the even worst honger capitals shifting: 'hEy, yA wAnNa gO rAcE ouR riCErs dOwN NuMbEr 3 rOaD eN kILL a pOLiCe oFFiceR liKe jImMy nG? Mah 03 cIvIc sI woUld sOooO kiCk uR 98 cIviC's Ass.'

Stupid crap. Let's see these kids type up their resume like that. Or lets see them speak like that during a job interview. Stupid kids; just learn how to speak and write English, that's what school is for. It's so you can learn not to look like an ass. Hongers: you'd never write your (insert college located beside lansdowne mall) university term paper like that, so why do you type like this in your spare time? Does it really make you that much cooler??

When I was a teenager I wasn't stupid like this... I just broke stuff... stuff that belonged to hongers....



I'm heading off to Toronto for a week, so I won't be around to perform the ritual of updating my xanga. However, I'll do my best to give you guys a double dose of Lam humour and imitation Tom Logic. Hope you guys get a good larf out of this.

Warning: This is going to be a long one. Maybe you should section it off, or if you're going for the gusto, take your crap first. I don't want you leaving in the middle...

Yesterday I went to my Aunt's house. My parents weren't around, and since I'm a starving and lazy student, I went to bum some BBQ food off of her. As nice as my aunt is for giving me food, she is a super honger. I can't believe someone in the family could be a honger. The Lam's family name has been disgraced.

Yesterday she had some of her honger friends and their honger children come over. Those honger kids are so freaking spoiled. They make me want to introduce them to my friend Mr. Fist and his partner Mr. Broomstick. That stupid kid kept riding his scooter into my aunt's car on purpose. He thought it would be funny to see how many dents he could make. I told him to stop, and 5 minutes later he just did it again. So I went over to him and stared the 7 year old kid down and demanded to know why he hit the car. He said that he didn't do anything. So I said in my broken Chinese, because he's too stupid to speak English, "Are you calling me a liar? I just saw you ride your stupid scooter into that car. Are you telling me I'm mistaken in what I saw??" The stupid kid had enough guts to say 'yes' twice! I was so shocked that I had to ask him to repeat it because I thought I heard wrong. So I just ended up grabbing the scooter from him and smoked him in the head with it. Then he started crying and his mom called the ambulance and stuff... nonono, haha i didn't do that. I just put the scooter away. I think he found other stuff to do, like running into the car, or throwing rocks at the house or something stupid like that...

Just so you guys know, I'll NEVER raise my child to be like that. There will be NO spoiled children in my household, EVER. If children want to visit my house, I'll make them right before they leave. The perfect cure for a rebellious and spoiled child, like the example given above, is a steady and constant stream of regimented discipline. You gotta keep the backhands flowing freely. The way parents outta do it is this: If you just randomly, but frequently, beat your child, they'll never know what to expect. That way you'll never give them an opportunity to behave poorly. If you beat them enough, it'll just cancel out for the times they messed up when you weren't around, or even for the future when they'll mess up in a couple hours.

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Being in my Aunt's house, I get to catch glimpses of retarded television programming like Chinese Beauty Pagents. I really don't know what is stupider- the women that compete in the pagent or the horny old men in the audience that drool over these ugly girls. I can see how much fortitude it takes to be on a show like that though, being asked all those questions and lying through your teeth about being a virgin and the stuff you like and the things you've accomplished. I really don't know what is worst, the lies and stories these women make up, or the people that fall for this sort of crap.

It's all lies. Lies, lies, and more superficial lies. They never did their grade 10 piano. They never did humanitarian work. Well I suppose if they help their brothers wash the blood off their ricermobiles after they've mowed a half-dozen people over it could be counted as helping the needy. Otherwise it's all lies, just like the lies that try to cover up the talent they don't have, and the fact that they hired a tutor to teach them to sing the night before...

Not only are the women in the pagent honestly very ugly, but they also say really retarded things. I remember, because it was so stupid that I ran to my notebook to write down what they said. Some lady, (I'll just say contestant number 17) when asked about what's important in life responded, "Well, I believe that IQ isn't the most important thing. It's important to have EQ too." Well, I would say to this lady, "You don't seem to have either, because if you had IQ, you'd notice that men only care about you because you're half naked and they're horny, not because you've done some sort of miracle to deserve their recognition. And moreover, you don't have EQ either, because if you did, you wouldn't need to gain acceptance and approval by coming on a show like this and reducing your own dignity by being the object of people's lusts. And besides, sewing your own evening gown doesn't even count as doing good works for underpriviledged people....

Haha, and then the annoucer guy asked some other lady (contestant number fugly) the same question and her answer was even funnier. She said "Well, being a beautiful woman is more than just glamour. It's making the lives of the people around you better. That's why, for me, it's important to smile all the time." Hahaha, I'm not even going to bother writing a paragraph to her stupid response. Two sentences will be plenty.

You have ugly teeth, lady. Don't smile.


So to cap it off, be smart and don't join beauty pagents. You're not that great-looking either.

Cheers

MY HAPPIEST HOUr

MY PALS

GRHL