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Car Definitions

Here are some useful terms used to describe your car, other people, or other people's POS's. If you can think of one you dont see, email me.

American Car: Basically, American cars took a turn for the worse circa 1970 (there are some exceptions - the Hemi was offered until 1971, thank you Chrysler). I'll be the first to admit that, but they ARE coming back as contenders in every field. Luxury, performance, economy, there is a fine American Automobile for everone out there. While I am an avid campaigner for the anti 80's car movement, I will respect any American car infinitely more than a performance Jap-crap.

Brake-Torque: A burnout done with the brakes applied. This is cool if you have a two-tire fire car (note: Posi is a Chevrolet assembly, not a general term for 2 tire fire, as is commonly thought). Otherwise, it's real, real dumb looking: "Hey, I can smoke one 7" wide tire when I put the brakes on!" You can see how this would be stupid. The other side to this is the parking brake applied - front wheel drive burnout. For the love of all things holy, do not do this.

Burnout: To spin the tires of your car on dry pavement, causing the tires to smoke violently. If your car does not do this naturally, i.e. with the car at rest, foot on the brake, in drive, please do not attempt this. My favorite "burnouts" are by the Honda Whores that rev their lawn mower plants to 15,000 rpm, and then either dump the clutch (manual) or drop the car in gear (auto). This results in a pitiful chirp, followed by the "WUMP WUMP" of the transmission shattering, and lots of laughter from me. If you have a car with one tire fire (one legger), please do not do a burnout, as this is highly retarded (observe the O.J.: "Here's some stench for your ears dogg!" - proceeds to do a one tire fire smoke in his 89 IROC Camaro). Also, don't pull the Adam Wilkerson, which is rolling in reverse, then dropping it in gear and flooring it, also causing a minor squak of the tires. If you plan on doing a burnout, do it right, with lots of smoke. I currently hold first place in the burnout contest at my old high school for front wheel drive minivans. (see also: light 'em up, light a patch, smoke 'em, roast 'em)

Cross Breeding I think this is the saddest thing ever. People that take a car/chassis of one brand and put the powerplant/drivetrain of a different manufacturer into it. This is sad, sad. Keep your car's brand consistent. Typical conversation at a Street Rod car show:

NOOOOOOOO!!!! Why?!?! Couldn't you get like a Ford 351? Yeah, you could. I think the worst case of this is one I saw in Hot Rod (aka Camaro Rod). It was a '66 Cuda with a blown Chevy 454. This is the ultimate crime. Why didn't you get real and get a Hemi, pal? I plan on scanning this guy's picture and making a full feature on it.

GM (Chevy, Buick, Olds, Pontiac, Geo, Cadillac: Don't get me wrong, I love old, old Chevy's. From the '55-'57 Chevy Bel-air's/Nomads to the '59 Cadillac to the '61-'63 Bel-Air 409 Bubble top to the 327 fuellie C1 to a 427 C2 to the 327 Impala (Brino-mobile), they had some cool cars. And, when someone takes the time to restore one, they are awesome in my book. My gripe is the jerks that are in love with their 71-91 Camaros / Monte Carlo's with 305s and 350s. Ultimate crap. Cars after 1971 are NO GOOD!! They look stupid, not to mention the fact that they are slow as hell. To guys that drive real GM cars, do something about these asswipes that ruin a half decent image.
Also consider this: How many car designs has Chevy made that have been outlawed due to their superiority? None! In fact, NHRA, NASCAR, and various other sanctioning bodies had to penalize Ford and Mopar for making awesome stuff so that Chevy could keep up. Hemi? banned. 427 Cammer? banned. Jeff Gordon's illegal intake manifold? Oh, since Chevy made it, it probably sucks, so it's deemed legal. Chevy Schmevy.

Eighties Car: The Eighties was single-handedly the WORST decade for cars in the history of all cars. On top of boxy, ugly designs with ugly interior and color combos (brown w/ puke green interior - YEAH!), the bodies were mated to poor engine designs. These cars have absolutely NOTHING going for them. Just look at any car from this decade: Monte Carlo, Chrysler Aries K, Early Mustang. Yuck to everything made during the 80's. I will go out on a limb and say that every car from the eighties is terrible, and that I will never own one (save for my pro street '88 Voyager).

Honda: A fine automobile for daily commuting and transportation. They are well engineered for getting 40 mpg and reliability to 600,000 miles. But by NO MEANS should they ever be considered "performance vehicles." One reason for this: the motor cycle engines. Japan makes great motor cycle motors, but they literally put these same engines into their cars. They aren't fast, and putting turbos, nitrous, exhaust, and gay crap on them make them run 14's and ruin the engine at the same time. Buy a real car, guys: Classic Rear Wheel Drive American Autos!!

Honda Whore: These are the kids that take the below "pimped out" list and apply every item to their Honda Civic / Prelude / Accord. They also look like either Backstreet Boys or pseudo-skaters. A conversation with one:

Since when was it acceptable to have pride in 16 second ET's? BURN IN HELL, FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!

Low Rider: This car is usually owned by a professional lawn care expert named Allejandro. Typically a large late 80's/early 90's American car with ridiculous 10" gold spoke rims (sometimes protruding 8" from the wheel wells), tons of cheap add on chrome, a hideous metallic paint job from Maaco, purple window tint, a ghetto thumper sound system, naked women and other lines airbrushed onto the trunk lid, and usually a windshield visor with "ALL EYEZ ON ME" or "ROLLIN" or some other ghetto phrase in Gothic (gangsta) letters. The exception to the 10" rims would be 15" smoothie rims with 30" tall whitewalls. Be really afraid (especially in Des Plaines), these doggz might "smoke" you if you piss 'em off! Be sure to check back here, as I'll fully document these cars while I'm back in DP.

Mopar: The Greatest Car Manufacturer EVER. Creators of the 426 Hemi, 426 & 413 Max Wedges, 440 six pack, 340, 225 + 170 Slant 6 Leaning Towers of Power, and sole utilizers of the Dana 60 rear axle. Does anything beat a Hemi 'Cuda? Or how bout a Hemi Dart? Or a six-pack Charger? Or a Viper? Or a #4 condition 1968 Plymouth Fury III? NO!!

Pimped out: A car with any one of the following items added:

POS: Piece of Shit. Term can be applied to any car you proclaim shitty. This would be especially appropriate for Hondas. Used in a sentence (by Mr. Killian): "YOU KIDS BUY THESE PIECES OF SHIT, AND YOU THINK THEY'RE GOLD!"

Taco Bell: This is a place for the POS's of Des Plaines / MW to showcase their crappy high-school budget cars (thank you Sean Flanagan for that wording). Some morons do drag racing here. Although I am a firm advocate for illegal street drag racing, this is so dumb. This is a place where families take their kids to eat dinner. There are hundreds of people standing around, what are the odds of someone running in front of you? I wouldn't participate in anything this stupid if my life depended on it. By far, the most fucking dumb thing I've ever seen at Taco Bell is the "rev-a-thon," in which all the cool car kids gather their cars in the back lot and rev up their engines. Folks, please do your part to help clean this up.

Toyota: Basically, see Honda above, but I thought I'd mention the moron that has a Toyota "Duracell" with a damn fart cap on it. When I went back to school to visit, the kid was in a Looped Sophomore Algebra class! He's 20 years old!! He drives it like a real jerk. If you see a maroon Toyota Tercel with a fart cap in Des Plaines...well, just do your part.


No Honda:

Anti-Honda Page for Anti-Honda Guys

Everything you hate about Hondas: right here!

Guestbook Responses!
If you hate Hondas, click here to vomit!
Rice-Boy Page!
MOMA Page!
The Honda "apology"
The first editorial
Second Editorial
DPHC Destroyed!
Car Definitions!