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My Chamber Of Thoughts and Dreams
Sunday, 18 July 2004
And so she thought..
I'm watching the movie 'Dragon Fly'. Lately I've been thinking alot about death. I'm not sure why..Maybe the movies I've been watching lately, are all somehow connected to it, so alas, it depicts the pain, and it just makes me think..What movies have provoked my thoughts in death? Tupac Ressurection, De-Lovely, Michael Moores Movie Far. 9/11.. You know whats odd? I don't fear death, what so ever, and I really haven't lost anyone before in my family..But I fear losing those who i care about with such intensity that it drives me absolutely insane..I shouldn't think about it anymore..Thinking is what gets me like this.

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 9:26 PM
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Wednesday, 14 July 2004
sleeeepy marshmellooo..
Its been a rather long time since I last posted. Its One fourty six in the freakin' morning, and I'm verrry sleepy..:) I have to stay up because i'm the champiON though, and I want to win, so yesh
:(..Tomorrow is my birthday :)..I'm going to be 19 years old. I'm definitely going through my midlife crisis right now :). I can't even fathom how I'll react when I turn thirty :)


Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 4:34 AM
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Tuesday, 6 July 2004
June 16, 2003
"Its eleven o' seven and I'm thinking about everything..Lately I have been very frustrated..I guess its because i've been so stressed, and the disappointment really got to me..How am I supposed to learn from this experience if I can't accept it, i keep asking myself. So I'm trying a little at a time..And i have my babeys hand to help me along the way..He's been so stressed out though..I can see something building up inside him..However he places such high standards on himself when it comes to me, that he always has his strong face on. Sometimes I wish I can just hold him for hours at a time, gently caressing his face, to make him realize that I'm here for him. He doesn't need to hide anything from me, because he thinks I'm stressed, or what i feel is more significant then what he feels..Yesterday I started crying..I got so frustrated, and i just locked myself in my mothers bathroom, and sat in the corner of the bathroom crying..I kept calling out to god, pleading for him to answer me. To help me. Because I felt so alone, more alone then i have in the longest while. And I got upset, and hurt, because nothing would happen as I cried out to him. I could feel myself angrily asking 'why won't you answer me, please answer me', and when nothing happened, i got up and called my boyfriend crying..He consoled me, and then after talking to him, i realized, how could i be so ignorant, so blind? God did answer me, just not the way I expected. I had just gotten off the phone with my answer, and for the first time in the whole day I smiled..


ps.My stupidface hamster is trying to escape "

I wrote this nearly a year and a month ago..I found this while I was reading over some old pieces..all in which I haven't read in a while..It was odd..Because most of them were soo happy. I mean, I spoke about the things that bothered me, I spoke about the things that drove me crazy, or made me sad. But somehow embedded within each entry was happiness, more so ever though, hope. Lately I know I've been changing. My entire perspective of things have. I sleep more than I once did, My inspiration or yearning to write has left me entirely, I cry alot, I just don't see anything getting better. I guess this was God's plan, for me to find this entry tonight..Because somehow something clicked inside me..because just because things are so difficult for me right now, difficult to the extent in which its affecting who I am..and making me want to forget..does not mean I've lost everything..I mean, one things the same, and that is that I still have my baby..My love, my angel, my world, my bestfriend, my everything, who's going thru exactly the same thing I am..Who's missing me thru every second of the day, like I do him. And its still his voice that makes me realize that one day things will be okay, they'll be perfect. And its still his voice that makes me realize that its still okay to dream. And its still his voice in which consoles me, and soothes my heart and mind, when I begin to cry, or when I get mad, or if he senses that I miss him really bad..I've been soo busy being angry at God lately, for not being there, for things being the way they are, for not giving me a single sign that somehow things will be okay, that I didn't see what was in front of me all along..The teddy bears on my bed, the ring on my finger, the pictures that surround my bed, the poems taped onto my closet wall, a cd that i listen to everyday with his voice singing our lullabyes, 'bate bate, the choo choo song, twinkle twinkle'. I've had my sign, an angel god gave me for my very own since I require so much attention, like the greedy little marshmellooo I am. I mean, I have my love, I've had him yesterday, I have him today, and I will have him tomorrow..So after realizing all of this, something happened. Something I haven't done, and have meant, for a really long time..I smiled.

ps. My hamster doesn't want to escape anymore, he knows better, cuz i run shit :)..

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 2:47 AM
Updated: Tuesday, 6 July 2004 2:59 AM
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Thursday, 1 July 2004
I broke my glasses. AGAIN.
Things have been rather confusing as a whole lately. I don't know what to believe anymore. I question my faith, more than I ever have in my entire life. The emotions that I endure, have been taking its toll on my heart..And I feel very alone. Its difficult to live thru each day knowing that by the end of the day, all you'll have is you, and your thoughts. Sadness doesn't seem so far away recently, but happiness does. I ponder whether or not, I'm recieving the love in return, that i feel for others. Because it seems as though, I've been left in the dark in many occasions. And those who come my way, are those of the past. Those who either want to make amends, or those who question along with me too. You know, what gets to me the most however? What drives me incredibly insane?. When people think I'm absolutely oblivious to everything. I wonder if people in general realize, what comes around goes around..but most importantly, just because i don't have the best when it regards vision, does not mean, I do not see the truth. Because truth reveils itself to me..More than people realize.

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 9:36 PM
Updated: Thursday, 1 July 2004 9:37 PM
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Monday, 28 June 2004
...........
DEDICATION
TIME SPENT
LOYAL AND TRUE,
FUCK ALL THESE THINGS,
ALL THESE THINGS I WERE FOR YOU.

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 9:50 AM
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Sunday, 27 June 2004
Tick Tock
Hellow! :) I think my internal clock is losing its little ol' tick tockity mind, right about now :) Last night I stayed up until six in the morning, and then I woke up at nine :). Then I fell asleep today at eight o'clock, and woke up at one fourty am. :) Ahh well :) Today Helmer left to key largo :(..He's going to be gone until friday. But he's already called me TWO whole times since he's left at five o'clock in the afternoon. :) I didn't pick up one time cuz i was sleeping, but he left me a sweet message, so i feel special :). I'll see him on friday, so I'm trying to tough it out :). I was watching the movie 'ghost ship' on HBO, until my brother changed the channel. :). I thought it wouldn't be such a good movie, but as far as I watched it I enjoyed it. I've eaten sooo much today!! :) I feel like i'm going to explode. Helmer wants me to gain weight, cuz I've lost weight since i started working, so I'm stuffing anything and everything in my mouth. Well except meat :). But yesh, I'm on a mission. :) Yesterday night, I saw the movie 'stepford wives'. The concept was incredibly good, but the movie needed to be way more developed than it was. So it kind of dissapointed me. I hate when that happens to me, it happened with the last movie i saw 'the day after tomorrow'. As I was signing onto my hotmail, I saw an article about the new batman movie that is coming out, so I read it :) its gonna be soo wicked :). And since my baby love, is absolutely and completely convinced that he is batman, i sent him the article. lol, thats going to be quite a reality check for him :).

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 4:34 AM
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Thursday, 24 June 2004
Good Morning :)
I know I should be sleepy right now, but honestly I feel incredibly awake. I went to sleep rather late yesterday, g should have never told me about the movie 'Re-animation', and anyone with a big brown eyes, and lots of hair, should definitely be granted a curfew. Ahh well. :) Yesterday, I realized how much I have missed writing..I had stopped for a really long time. I ceased because I felt I had no inspiration anymore, I mean, usually my pieces reflect on what i'm feeling inside my heart, and I had been feeling empty. Its hard to live life, feeling scared, scared because ultimately all you have is you.. But I contemplated and contemplated some more, and I decided that I defintitely am not going to worry so much like I have , and embrace all that life throws at me..like the pang of sleepiness that just came over me for instance. :)..

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 8:20 AM
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Wednesday, 23 June 2004
Its been a while..
I haven't written in the longest time..Not even on paper. So its odd to be back, and to be writing again. Well, now I'm living in Miami Beach. Its absolutely beautiful. The sight has to be a glimpse of what heaven is, if it does actually exist. Living here has had its ups and downs. I've grown alot as a person, I feel. Its sad though, to come to the realization, that the people who might have walked with you in the beginining of the growing transition, suddenly don't want to be there anymore. I'm specifically thinking of one individual. One individual who was my inspiration, when i didn't see hope. Who wiped the tears off my face with their laugh. Who persuaded me that their friendship was worth more than any drug would ever be. You think that friends would be there always..well actually I thought that. And it makes me want to cry, because I feel I've taken this individuals friendship for granted. But what can I do but wait. Wait and hope, and maybe somehow make this person see the hope too, like they made me see. You will be my example, my past, and my lesson. I will wait and see, and learn from you, the answer to the question; does love really conquer everything?

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 8:24 AM
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Saturday, 10 January 2004
Don't let the days go by..
Glycerine.

The past became today, yet a better memory to cherish, and it is more obvious then my reflection's smile upon the mirror, that God has endowed me with an angel.

I feel absolutely estastic today. :) A feeling, I have long been missing for quite sometime. And what a lovely feeling it is. Love is freedom yet, without him, all I have are restraints. I am bounded by my anger, my sadness, and my tears. How easily though, he can vanish them all away, and replace my pain, with his kisses, and my tears, with his embrace. I am absolutely, uterrly, and undoubtfully, deeply in love, and may God help me, because I can no longer lean to my old age philosophy, 'all you have is you', because I realize now, I've never been enough, and he is.

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 12:44 AM
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Wednesday, 7 January 2004
Just a memory.
How can someone miss something that was never ever there?..I keep asking myself that question, but I can't seem to figure out the answer. Instead I just look down, and hope the memory of the situation just lingers away. Hopefully it will take my tears along with it. At the beginining I felt numb. And I felt guilty, and incredibly distressed, because I simply did not know what to feel. But now, i feel irratiable, and more alone then I've ever been. I wonder if he realizes how much I needed him this week, maybe he thinks it isn't supposed to hurt?..I'm pressing on the bruises on my legs, the bruises remind me of my heart. They were here last week though, at least they're with me, i can feel them even in the dark. Is it supposed to hurt so much? Missing a love that I never got to bare. How can someone miss something that never ever was there?..

Posted by poetry/xpreciousillusionsx at 8:54 PM
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