Too Late
Enticingly, she dances with purity like an Aborigine
to the beat of a hollow drum...
hypnotic by sight and intent with desire
While she exists among the sick; thoughts inherited by those devoured by hope
Let her be, wallowing alone in the darkness
Where she has been guided off of the
intended path of childhood
Not understanding to question the answers
of philosophical reasons
Life and friends are divided among these mystic realms
that separate fiction from reality
Where she conflicts her developmental issues with sexual love
Every encounter seems to be followed by the next
leaving her even more disenchanted with the ultimate goal,
being accepted
She wonders if death has a life to call it's own
The price to pay for being thrown into the world not meant for innocent children
~6/25/95~
Oh, please don't deny me
deny me of being alone anymore
Loneliness grows to be my friend
A friend that always offers support
Support to figure out what is wrong
Nothing seems to be wrong accept…
accept for the fact that I am strange
Strangely enough no one else can see
The social mediocrity draining me
Feeling weak and like a sponge
Absorbing every little piece of the issue
A new issue which brings me today
and today is not as good as then
Then was the past and it's time
time to stop watching time tick by
in these overplayed hours
These hours are leaving me a wreck
Mother, send my regards to neglect
~7/28/95~
You say that I’m wanted
and yet you leave
I asked you for answers
but you’d rather be…
the one with the questions
only you can’t see
I’ve wanted to break through
your nasty disguise
Be with your angels
without all the lies
There are too many problems
for you to realize
Now that your loaded
I bet you feel fine
Go away with your worries
but do it time
All of your aggression
has sided with mine
Dig yourself deeper
Like you did today
Everything seems to be
going your way
Even though your name is clear
there are still debts to pay
The role of the liars
That we’re both suited to play
~8/11/95~
Listen to the doves
how they whisper sweetly
I lie to them and in return they believe me
Companionship and friendship is what they gave
All I wanted was a lover
Did you not want the same?
Listen to the doves
how they whisper sweetly
Listen to the doves
how they die, rot, and weaken
~8/20/95~
Place together the intricate parts to the puzzle
that you have seemed to have reduced my life to
Wisdom is in the hands of this social acceptance
Where I am always right
and the right is always wrong
Sanctify the ritual of belief
for it seems to be all that remains true
~9/15/95~
Obey the urge to feel my mind
to distant realms that you too can find
All my will to reason or to fight your words ceases to exist
The fortitude to try is not a factor any longer
The urges to fend myself from the onslaught of argument
have seemed to draw a bore
My instinct is strong that I am wrong for you
has this happened before?
~10/19/95~
don’t return the favor
unstoppable flavor
tainted lies to savor
with your dirty self hate
mending your delusion
with your confusion
ending our illusion
with your dirty self hate
~11/08/95~
~12/5/95~
My mental stability is coming to an end
...and my senses are now renewed
there must be a cure for this disease
and some say that it is love
though, not as long as I’m still with you
everything she does seems to hurt
more than help
I just can’t stay in control
I tend to lose direction of myself
~12/18/98~
Why did I lie young
I’m just like you
There’s nothing to follow
that shit just falls through
There’s many stories I’d like to tell
For example a nice walk through hell
Marching through the marches
Agitated, back off
I’ll stand on both sides
and take credit for both
The air is thick
and your anger is strong
Don’t try to tell me what I'm saying is wrong
Monday's, Sunday's, Wednesday's... every day is the same
I should have left when these problems came
That’s okay because I am doing just fine
~12/17/98~
The hours that I had,
I thought would stay
But when you left,
they slipped away with the rain
~12/23/95~
Time, there never seems enough
and I can never leave
without leaving a piece of you
And everything seems to change
And I will never be the same
We can never go back in time
I'll never be able
to touch your hair
to hold your hands
to feel your skin, so fair, ever again
ever again
~12/29/95~
Just when everything was clear
my darkest fears came true
and everything started to disappear
I’m not the same
to put you before myself
All my dreams have changed
to fit into your constructed world
Did you think I wouldn’t fight?
Do you think I'm so fucking polite?
You’ll never find yourself without a home
even though your never right
I’m now running all over, up and down
Did you think I wouldn’t notice the sound
of you being around
...each holding our breath?
~1/03/96~
They talk about being secure
and I wasn’t sure
that I’d make it out of this hole
Over time I had lied
and said everything was fine
but you broke down that wall
that separated pain from sane
and I am glad you finally came
The others from the past
pushed me deeper than this
and those times won’t be missed
because they were pulling me down
I took a blow to the middle
for opening up to wide
so I said goodbye and hid
in this disheartening life
I couldn’t open these eyes
until you eclipsed the proverbial blinding of the sun
I want to thank you for showing
me that life does goes on
and that there are going to be
better days that lie ahead
If it wasn’t for this
I think I’d be dead
Thank you for saving my life
~1/10/96~
No stranger to the darkness
as I've walked through it each day
Grayish haze of the stormy sky
reflects in the puddled rain
I've been dragging my heels with a bitch called hope, sloshing against the grain...
Where to go ?
Thousands of questions run in vain
to deny that things won’t go wrong
In and out of miseries hands
Memories of laughter are faint
as the foundation shifts... dividing ever slowly apart
Directions wallow between lost and forgotten
Controlling the mind today
is confusion and isolation
wrapped up in a strangely disguised smile
~02/10/96~
Relations are factors that motivate us to wake up
each and every day
to hold on and keep going
even though it all does not make much sense in the beginning
Although misery grows on the soul of an individual
who seems that hope is not what it’s worth
It will all even out in the end
Maybe it’s all a game that our creator likes to
play [with our minds] as he watches us grow further
and further apart
While some only seem to grow closer in time
It will never make much sense to the human soul,
but beyond everything
there is the truth that there is more to human nature
than
appearance, desire, happiness, anger, properties and sex
~02/25/96~
Let me make my mark and impression in your head
diluted misconception of what I really am
Never under estimate my power, strength, desire and tenacious will
eventually seeping into you like the needle
through the twill
Deal with the notion that I will be your drink
to toast tomorrow’s efforts towards a new beginning
of new found youth with colliding thoughts of ancient sanctuaries
to reprise the godly essence from the earth below
and bestow the helpless emotions that control
your every look, touch, sense of smell, sound and taste
Keep this on a level that bounces back and forth
like the reverberated conversations that you have grown accustomed to
Tone down the loud sensations of eroticism
that rules each heart to heart conversation...
that connects the pieces of life like a puzzle
tighter to wear and smooth the rough edges of mistrust
Involve my aura of mystery to your everyday
lifestyle that motivates
you to dial the number that puts into touch two
lost souls trying to truly find each other
and revolve around the evolution factor of getting
adapted to everyday change
~02/25/96~
Freedom of a spirit that holds my every thought
to keep the circulation flowing through the veins
of a beat up corpse,
that forces itself to walk through this fallible life
It’s a shame that these problems came too quickly
only to be recognized later as blatant lies
that projected themselves as a chance of hope
much like that light that we all look forward to
at the end of the tunnel
All while trying to overcome the overwheliming fear of the darkened entrance that coincidentally
represents the emptiness that fills our souls
~03/01/96~
I don’t want this as I pass you by
the respected stains that fill my eyes
Many loves have come, maybe in love with much like
You’re out with your dreams while you’re in my
heart
I want you now to hold you until then
When then has a name that I haven’t found yet
I’ve regressed too much
while time has gone by
I want you forever
to place a sweet kiss
I don’t ever want to know what it’s like to
be forgotten and missed
You’re the perfect form to rest
in my home
A home of thoughts,
A home of what is real
No complications that we
both tend to feel
I can’t imagine a world without your
drowning eyes, tender touch,
captivating smile, and emotion of life
I never want to see you leave and
be a past presence of time
~4/19/96~
Take me so high where I can fly
to nestle in the darkness where I feel I might die
So cold and so grand
Meet me in the end and reach out for my hand
Medicine man preaches about the hardships
of being the blamed, what a shame, that
no one seems to win this game
Never have I felt so profound and so aloof
Reaching out for answers while sitting on the roof
Kicking around and stealing time
Magic in my hand with walls to climb
While alone a parasite sits waiting for it’s victim
that will never suspect the danger that it is in
So small, and so clear
the questions stare back because
all of the answers are right there
Thinking back to way back when
about money, love, and the ever-famous revenge
It is a blank that I draw so hard
like a bittersweet feeling that I see from afar
War dreams circle and square, surreal
My feelings are numb and all for you
Numb to the needs of a blood-drained heart
That rests in the heavens of a need that I grasp
as dear
Away from the energy that stabs my mind
Subconscious misery is so sublime
Purple-colored sky to fill my eye
of wonder filled love that embraces this lie
What it is today, will not exist next year
Unless you cross my heart as a person that I hold dear
~5/09/96~
Dear Nicole
A thousand laughs and a million smiles
To all your friends and the lives you’ve touched
Too much, too fast, too soon
No one can shake this reality
Life’s own nightmare came with irony
So much energy and strength you had
It seems like a never ending dream
that we’ll soon all wake from and you’ll be there
The many thoughts that filled your head
have touched us during the times
And we are left with great memories even though
you have passed.
~6/28/96~
The sun casts shadows
on the belly of a blackbird
Shrewd on the mind
and during this innocent time
visions cross my mind
more than once
and maybe that’s too much
Magic words on hand
grace their opinion tonight
questioning reality
I’ll take my time with the breezes and rain
that linger like the gentleness of a dove
and the caress of a virgin touch
~8/22/96~
Candles illuminate a darkened room
and flicker with just a few more seconds of life
as I filter through the reserves of my memory
to bring forth the times of a simple life
but still I sit in a shadow cast room
where the pastel walls clash with a miserable soul
The flames are slowly dying out
much like this miserable soul
and soon they’ll both reside in complete darkness
~8/26/96~
Thick Skinned
The dusty movie reel rolls out the same old scene
a little love
a little hate
with something in between
Blur the eroticism that pivots in my head
back and forth
This feeling’s got me wrong
The days are only plays
Make your move and hope it’s not your last
I walk on broken glass
Cut my feet and stain the ground below
I know it’s not enough
Sensitive touch of grace
~8/27/96~
Distinguishing between lies and truths
It lies in the pit of an empty stomach
Malnourished and fed with only fruitless words
of it’s own imagination
Satisfaction of this and yet it lives to breath
and absorb any style of life
It must be nice to have everything at once
and coast on the same wavelength of serenity
Your enemy and you hero
are simply the same
Insane and still holding onto past reflections
and blotched images of a finger printed negative
revealing a beautiful sunset taken last year in November.
~8/30/96~
The Crux
Instrumental wisdom
A smile of denial to a tainted lover
Disown no other because of love rather hate
Disown no other because of trust rather deceit
Probable cause to an attempted suicide
with a morning glow protruding through the Mississippi sky
And from a world up above God wonders why
belief is dead
while many pretend to hold faith and “prey”
They’ve placed their existing and eternal fate of well-being
into the hands of a thought
~9/22/96~
Desert Night
The music on the radio is faint along with the
voiced inside your head
Simultaneously occurring all at once
Continue to feel the breeze brush up against your
body
like one large entity trying to intertwine with yours
attempting to create one great soul
You feel the breeze wrapping around your body
and controlling the movement of your hair,
clothing, and mobility
The ground below is tantalizing to every nerve
in your feet as you walk though the desert night.
~10/01/96~
Masterpiece
Swimming in the shadows
that fall from overhead
From the ancient riddled clouds
and templesque trees
Evoking questions that come about within my mind
Questions of existence and life
Unbearable persistence to engage oneself
to move every second of every hour
Aren’t we entitled to know how
and why everything in life seems to be a part
of a complicated cycle
much like that of a carnival’s carousel?
Only going through the motions of advancement
while restricted to the confines of a
predetermined rotation
Worries and spirits seem to coincide
with one another resembling reality
Why must the gears of life eventually run down
to a certain point in time?
And what is time but just another one of
our human instruments
Why must life be made so complicated and robotic?
Walking around hypnotic
and detached from the feelings of why we ever started this
~11/20/96~
Turmoil
~Not long ago before the restless winds and the undying snow
in an everlasting eternity of evermore
there were achievements.
Now just left with a label of scorn~
Hypnotizing walls and endless thought provoking ideas
of what possibly could have been
are now swallowed by a memory that produced
permanent scars
Sacred ponds secure the thoughts within
Enlighten the seeds of darkness
and lay me down in a field of prepared treatments
and purity
Listen to the voices inside my head
that agree with one another
and blend together
on opposite spectrums of sanity
~12/06/96~
Abandoned myself a while ago
~1/18/98~
Tinderbox
of the determination that always
drove me right to the edge of the ledge
that created an abundant view of powerful souls
and soft skinned rats
The same ones that scurry amongst you
and I and try to gain the spotlight
Each of us and all and me and
you and them and we and any other
configuration of a group
that can be thought of is everyone’s dream
The dream to be included into any one of these groups
No intentions have I to be a we an us or them
Should I start all over again?
Vibrations
~1/20/98~
Before the Change
Swimming with the serpents
Dancing with the dead
Keeping up with heroes made up in my head
I’m speaking truths yet hearing your lies
Hidden innuendo’s pass
Ignoring all of these cries
Walking through stomping grounds
With cracks beneath the sea
Heaven’s glare with Satan’s snare
Doubting what I’ll achieve
Watching the rise and fall of myself
And the one that had no name
~2/11/98~
Wither
As I stare at you through the misty rain
Can you sense the feelings change within my mind?
Could you let this rest as I kiss your face?
Want to tell you that I love you
Everyday as we burn
Can you see my thoughts as our eyes connect?
Will you say that you need me?
I could tell you things never told before
For your thoughts to unravel on their own
~2/11/98~
You Know It’s Over (Emotion version)
Driving towards forever with no beginning and
obviously no dramatic or systematic ending
Where my real thoughts of now drift again
to an inevitable dream as I reflect upon our past
The past that we shared and it’s quite possible to make
the bad times good and the good times better because
this is my possession, my time, and most importantly my dream
It was apparent that we would’ve never spoke from that day on
I’ll never be able to touch you, hold you, or feel
you in my arms ever again
The bridge I passed over takes me
back to those days we drove and kept
driving to never ending evenings of what seemed to
be perfect nights
I can also hear the songs we always heard
and no matter how many times I change these
stations every one of them reminds me of you, or some sort
of action that eventually leads back to you
And soon I will come from this dream
I must realize the fact that you are gone
Those days are gone and all I’ll have
are these fictitious thoughts that I’ve deconstructed
then recreated to suit my own needs and desires
I’ve made all of this up to create you
as the most perfect girl ever imagined
~2/22/98~
Drain
The angels align themselves
with the serpents in the sky
Ivy shadows descending from the ending of this life
Things come and go only to leave
weltering scars that ache for eternity
~5/26/98~
Juvenile Smile
Forgive and forget though never regret
the tangled webs you’ve weaved
Live on the edge with minimal chance
of living out your dreams
Chasing wild horses with little success
Answer those cries as you
undress your mind, soul, and the body that you sold
Bare to the world your ignorance
and stray from the one place left, home
~6/09/98~
Minneapolis
~7/31/98~
Desire
The raindrops pound along with the rhythmic beat
of my heart as it grows swollen to
feel your breath and taste your skin
savagely inviting me in
to an unconscious sense of desire
~8/11/98~
Esoteric
Manipulate the truth to
underline fictitious fabrications
Enabling the lacerations to
be placed upon my back
Undying heavens’ sorrow
ending the trail of tears
while they fall on yesterdays tomorrow
~11/22/98~
Undying Virgo
feelings that fade
and the fires that die
when the weeks turned to months
as I just passed you by
never glancing an eye over
to one or the other
as if we weren't even there
life keeps moving on and ahead
as the stalemate exists
leaving the moments of then
in the distant mist
~9/03/98~
180 Degrees
Clouds roll by…
The lights eventually fade
The stage is set with drawn shades
Beginning of ends and making amends
Lovers embrace as the combatants rage
Emotions of love and hate are fueled, ready to engage
The effort put forth is one and the same
~11/28/98~
Climbing Himalaya
~11/29/98~
I Was There
I've walked many miles
I've been through pain
I've cried many rivers from which you've probably drank
I've marched through heaven to sleep in hell
Goes to say that you never can tell
Through it all I've come away with a Cheshire grin
I've god-sized thoughts
Never look into the past because the memories
always make me want to make it last
Swallow fists of neglect to build up immunity
Join those hands of doubt to create a type
of unity to say that I was there
~3/01/99~
Stay Away
Lately I've decided
to leave you when you speak
When I listen to your cries I get a little weak
I give in to temptations and hold you when you're down
Lift you up again just to be let down
The game you play is typical
for the kind of girl you are
I'm a little skeptical
when you come around
I believe it’s over between you and I
Heavy is the hand
that holds you down, a wise man has said
Don't come around looking for a place where you’re believed
A situational soul to kiss, bleeding and suspend
Diluted interpretations are driven to an end
Question me and hold me back
from what I try to be
My sight is straight and I've strayed from
what I’ve seen
It's over between you and I
~7-12-99~
I Want
~I'm trying so hard to make the best of this situation
but my happiness seems so far away~
I find the key
in the bottom of the bottle that has taken over me
The only things that exists
are the things I do, to keep my mind off the one I miss
I think so much
Is it worth the hassle for that yearning touch?
I've figured out
that I know the person I want and I know the feelings that I have had
but lying in between is that questionable doubt
I'm so confused
I want a soul that seems to be deeper than a scratch on the surface
I want a soul that knows it's purpose
I want an honest emotion for more than a day
I want out of this game that I started to play
I want to live without fear of a superficial thought
I want to take back the things that I have bought
I want to slow down the pace to keep up with this run
I want to look out the window and look for the sun
I want to share an intimate moment with no apprehensions
I want to continue our relationship with no dissension
I want to look at your face like I have done before
Before the point to all of this was to keep score
I want to see the tears in your eyes when you were admired
I want to reflect on the past
before you became too tired of this and that and all of the thoughts
I want tell you that I love you and know you feel the same
I want a spontaneous moment and dance in the rain
I want you to do things for me with true emotion
Not to do it just to do it, but to do it
because we've been through it
I want you to go out of your way and be proud
I want you to know how to love me without being around
I want you to respect the important things in life
without going out of your way
I want to fall asleep without hesitation
For, tomorrow is another day
~12/19/00~
Listless Hearts
Whirlwinds of lust
stirring the dust
that settled at the bottom of our
listless hearts
Inspiring hopes
unraveling ropes
that bound the emotions of our
listless hearts
Rains of regret
from expectations never met
the obvious reasons for our listless hearts
~7/03/02~
About Her
As days went by and I looked into your eyes
I still had thoughts about her
The times we shared as I stroked your hair
I still had thoughts about her
As you playfully smiled at my innocent denial
I still had thoughts about her
When we acted out desires and tried to get higher
I still had thoughts about her
As I breathed in your air without a single care
I still had thoughts about her
When you would say goodnight as tomorrows plight
I still had thoughts about her
As nights closed in and I felt your skin
I still had thoughts about her
As our love strayed and we went our seperate ways
I began to have thoughts about you
~7/03/02~
Bent
The mind perceives what the mind believes
a hollow example of something so weak
Fragile is the mind during these innocent times
Overwhelming anxiety captures a moment
A moment of panic
A moment of despair
A moment of helplessness...
Normalcy crumbles in one fell swoop
I challenge the demons that seem to exist
and succumb
unwillingly to these physical effects
Minutes pass and relief sets in as the shadows of
futility lift from my mind.
A mind that has been flawed, tainted with poetic impuissance.
~3/10/03~
Struggle Within
I ride the insignificant waves that crash to an abandoned shore
Waves of regret, reason, wonder and so much more
Replaying old images that drift through my thoughts
What should have been said or what should have been done?
Had things been done differently, would I be content?
Had I said those words or done those things
that I wish that I would've done;
would I still be pondering old memories, without some sort of regret?
Unsettled attempts at proving myself right
Inevitably exempt, still I continue this fight
I continue this struggle…
the struggle within
~3/10/03~
Whispers
This may be my last chance to dream
the last chance to seem excused from the
inept depth in which I stand
Coincidentally, distant whispers approach
quickly with intent
as they surround the vulnerabilities
(the bed in which I rest)
The persistent callings lurk within the shadows
and grow louder with each echoing step that I take
towards a positive direction
~3/12/03~
Grandeur
In the silence, this solitude
contented visions roam within
Evoke arcane, nonsensical thoughts
the divided conscience now runs parallel
I feel them breaking at the seams
from the nuisance that lies beneath
Elicit laughter, like aria
from the heavens of long ago
Melancholic angels fly
tattered wings; souls brought to life
~3/15/03~
