So here it is how this darkness pervades my thoughts my very soul blackened with fear with a longing that can never be sated somewhere in this sick sad world I went wrong distanced from all that is and was from everything that anybody ever tried to accomplish the sun is black putrid festering boils and abscesses dripping and oozing like some worm or slug just waiting to be baked in heat or drown in the rain how the rain pours down how the agony flows with tears from my eye I am like to make an ocean with these blackened waters where did it all go wrong so far is that ocean I would to float on it drown myself in a sea of misery at least then I wouldn’t be here or would I maybe that’s it I can never escape what’s the use in trying anymore where is that light where is the rainbow the daylight shining in through the end of a cavernous impenetrable darkness cloaked in smog and soot of the city this city is just like me forgotten rundown all the buildings boarded up the only sure thing here is that someone’s gonna get shot true I did it my self its not my fault but then again krsna would say it is everything is my fault but what did I do to deserve this I think I just have to end it take the final plunge funny that’s what I am really doing standing here thinking waiting to fall waiting to land on some innocent passerby wouldn’t that be strange someone just passing I know they don’t see me someone just passing by gets landed on plop by some dope falling to his demise what of their family would he called a victim a martyr would his eulogy say he came to his end to soon where is he now is he waiting does he want me to fall on him so he isn’t responsible is it possible that someone’s life is as black as mine where are all the children did they run away they used to talk to me keep me company now its just me in a little apartment no one cares my family is dead and I never had anyone else there’s nothing left no way I can survive even if I survived I would not be living god how I wish I knew what went wrong but that cant happen we can never know that’s what they say just let us keep living and dying all the while knowing the secrets meditating on god or Vishnu or Allah or Jaweh or Buddha or Odin or Hale Bop that lit the heavens then disappeared its like me really what does it matter in the end we all die we all end and the rest is like this blackness surrounds me think of it I am already dead seething in the stench of hell like Dante brought to hell by his companion searching and knowing him and her maybe like Faust visited and served by the devil is that my misguided step did I give up my soul and not know it why would the heavens mock me so is it subtle may be I should’ve had sex before marriage may be I should have cheated on my wife she seems happy enough now with some Fabio look alike and all the money in the world all my money and my job good bye to that they are looking for innovation out with the old in with the new since when was ten years ancient whatever happened to seniority I am older I am more creative than these pink haired punks and their flock of seagull haircuts or is that what I need a thousand piercings I’ll pierce my dick if that’s what it takes the Mayans used to do that to worship their gods is that how I should worship the new millennium the 21st century all it has done is kill my soul am I the only one sure the bug didn’t hit I knew it wouldn’t and who believed me no they laughed then acted like they knew it all along why is the world so afraid of failure one little misstep and everything goes down the shitter into that stinking place where everything rots and smells and mixes together my shit with the shit of a million other people carousing in brownish bacteria infested water its like life really a bunch of shit mingling trying to make sense of it all and every so often one gets dissolved ceases to exist like I will soon or will I will I just go on to live again mingle with different shit more less the same souls different bodies is it just my time why time what has time ever done for me sure there was enough time for the kids enough time for work enough time for her enough time to get the chores the bills the fence done but never time for me is that why she left did I take too good care of her why didn’t she just tell me sure its dumb now that was so long ago but I lost both my dogs and we never had her kids why were they hers is it like the mantis take from me what you can get and eat me alive well here I am babe eat this up is this what you wanted I know it is what he wants is that all there is to it is like a leap of faith if I jump will a bridge appear will god save me from my mortal plight will I drink from the cup I haven’t seen that movie in so long why couldn’t I have been a templar one of the six that lost his way maybe I could have found it like I did in this life sure I found it for them but its too late now why did they never follow me was I a joke may be they just never knew may be my manuscript sat on the desk of some fat publisher and got a little Italian dressing and dego red dripped on it and thrown out may be it was sabotaged may be I just made it up maybe my whole life is made up I knew no one would see me but I wish they would some strange woman out of the darkness Mary Magdolin telling me to let the sins of the people rest on their souls can I do that can I martyr myself who would care who would know I would be shunned for being cowardly I should slit my wrists I cant stand being cut I wouldn’t be such a coward then if I ended it squirming and uncomfortable is that what they mean go out with a bang I am that ground is not soft one step and I come face to face with god if that’s who he is could be the face of grampa will he yell at me sure I have so much going for me like every damn grandson they all have so much going for them and how many fail how many don’t make it none of them do none of them make it as far as they can they have so damn much potential and now the wing is breezing by the ground is closer its mocking me damn this is going to hurt and I have enough time to think one more though this is it.
The rest is darkness.