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The
pregnancy

My husband and I had decided to have another baby with the other two we had.
This was just before Christmas. I remember taking my temperature and
telling my husband the” day” would be the 8th of January. Indeed it was,
and I waited a couple of weeks before doing a pregnancy test at my
doctor’s.
I remember having mixed
feelings, like I should be happy but I was only half happy. It was like
something wasn’t right, even then, but I didn’t realise it.

I
was really excited to have the 18-week scan done. I guess our main concern was
to decide whether or not we should ask the sex of the baby. Today, I realise
that no scan will ever be the same, but once again, another thing I couldn’t
have known then. I had three different doctors looking at the baby, and I
assumed they were really not good at working their machines. It never occurred
to me that MY baby could be sick. No, not my baby, I was a healthy 25 year old
with two previous and perfect pregnancies, how could ANYTHING be wrong with my
baby?

I remember
sitting in a small office wondering what kind of problems my baby could
have? An extra finger? Down syndrome? What kind of operation will she
need? The doctor was really sorry and announced that my baby had some
kidney disease and would die at birth, if she even survived until then.
Then, I don’t really
remember what happened. I know I saw at least three doctors who all told
me different things and was given many choices but I left knowing I had
to come back the next day to see a genetic counsellor and discuss
terminations.
The next
night was endless. Nobody could understand what the big” fuss” was
about.” It was only a foetus; an abortion was the best thing to do for
all of us. We could try again; we had other children…” I was
devastated. My baby was alive and I loved her, I couldn’t contemplate
having an abortion, just because some doctors I had never met thought
she had a kidney disease…
We decided to go on with the
pregnancy.
The
pregnancy was happy enough. We told our children that the baby was sick,
that her body was broken but that her spirit was really happy and
special and that she would go and live with Jesus. They seemed content
with that. I had scans and different things every couple of weeks .I had
been warned that the baby would be fine until 30 weeks and that it might
be a little more complicated then, as she was breech and had no fluid
around her at all.
I still
cherished every second of her being inside me. My husband and I, as
active Christians, had decided to accept whatever was coming. We had
faith that all was planned and that we would all be reunited one day, if
she died.
I
can honestly say that this pregnancy was just as happy as the other two.
Occasionally, we would wonder if a miracle could happen, but not one day,
did I get up feeling like the experience was horrible. We knew we
weren't alone and trusted in the lord's spirit to carry us trough.

I
will not lie to any parent in telling them that it was always easy. The
physical pains of this pregnancy were worse than the others. The mental
and emotional challenges were overwhelming and the anticipations (such
as organising the funeral of a live baby) close to unbearable, but I
knew that if my daughter was going to die, she would not be doing it by
herself. This is one thing I was granted to do for her.
The
pregnancy
The Birth
The hospital
Home
The Party
Photo
gallery
Coping
Thanks

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