To try and come to terms with the overwhelming grief that shadows my son’s Heavenly Birthdays each year, I decided that this year I would keep a daily journal of my feelings as they came to me, and try to see how I may be able to get through Elliott’s most special day in Heaven...

Today was a hard day for me. I knew it was going to be from the moment I woke up this morning. We are now into the final one week countdown to your 3rd Heavenly Birthday.

After taking your big sister, Chloë to Nursery School, I drove to the office of the local newspaper a few short miles away to book the insertion for you in the “Birthday Remembrance” section of the weekly newspaper.

These are the words which we have dedicated for you:

As usual, we will cut out the piece that is printed in the newspaper and place it with your other published announcements in your little Album, which we keep safe in your Box of Memories...

Today, as with your other two birthday anniversaries you have had, I find myself re-living the whole episode of discovering your diagnosis, and then losing you to Heaven, as each day unfolds nearer to your birthday.

After lunch, all four of us (Mummy, Daddy, Chloë and Phoebe) drove to Rachael’s Florist to order your “special flowers” for your 3rd Heavenly Birthday next week. I really hope that you like them, Elliott. Chloë picked out the colours for you... something bright and cheerful, like the little boy I am so sure that you are, up in the blue skies of Heaven.

It broke my heart today to be ordering those flowers for you, my sweet little son. I should be going to the toy store to get a Thomas The Tank Engine for you, or some trucks to play with... not a wreath of flowers for your grave.

With a heavy and aching heart, I hope that tomorrow bring some relief to the sadness that I feel so very much right now.

Today I tried to make myself get through the day, keeping as occupied as I could with cleaning the house and getting the chores done; but you are always in my thoughts, Elliott, not just at this time of the year, but each and every single moment of every single day.

I went back to Rachael’s and got you some fresh tulips for your vases at your little resting place... in lovely bright shades of yellow and red. I hope you like them Elliott.

I miss you so much, son...

This was the day three years ago when Daddy phoned Dr Sparey at the hospital to say that we were going to induce your arrival.

Oh Elliott... my heart is so heavy right now... this is an awful day for me.

If we had been told that you would have been alright and not in any pain after arriving here into our arms, I just know that we would have waited that little while longer for you to come to us.

We were told that you would probably have some considerable pain and suffering because of your tiny little lungs and we could not have stood by and watched you in pain and waited for you to go home to God to get your Angel Wings.

It would have been so horrifically cruel for Mummy and Daddy to do that to you, little fella. Yes, I am so deeply and tragically saddened that I did not have the opportunity to see into those baby-blue eyes, or hear that most gorgeous sound of your cry; or feel your warm little form snuggle up into my loving arms, but these are things that I shall savour in my heart to look forward to when I am finally in Heaven with you for eternity.

Darling sweet Elliott... I hoped and prayed that I would be able to deal with this time of the year... the time approaching your 3rd Heavenly Birthday... but the pain that wells up inside of me sometimes is so much that I struggle to take breath...

I so wish for that inner peace that you so lovingly came and gifted to me just before Christmas to wash over me again, and make me feel at peace and at one with myself.

It is the weekend now... Saturday morning. I started the day with the usual weekend chores of cleaning and shopping for groceries. I am just trying to get through the day being as busy as I can possibly be. Yet again, I feel those arms of mine ache to hold you once more.

Today, three years ago, was the day which I took the first set of medication to start the induction process. I can still think back to then; feeling you move around inside of me, being your usual playful self as if you did not have a single care in the world... but then, you didn’t did you, my sweet little fella?

Now my womb is still; you are not there... the house does not have the raucous laughter of a mischievous little three year old boy ~ YOU, my son.

It’s Sunday. Two days until your 3rd Heavenly Birthday, son. Daddy is so quiet; we find this time of the year so hard... I know that Daddy tries to be brave, but I know how much he loves and misses you.

I remember three years ago when we had that special “bathtime” together for the very last time... you adored the splashing of the bathwater onto my rounded maternal tummy; the soft soothing sounds as Mummy tried her best to sing your favourite Brahm’s Lullaby to you...

My heart feels like it is in shreds here. I am missing you so terribly, Elliott; yet I know that you are safe and sound where you are.

This evening, something very special happened on your quilt. Mummy asked Dixie to put a special birthday square on your quilt from all of us. However, Dixie, being the kind and wonderful person she is, got all of the quilters at Spreading Smiles to add a birthday square of their own... and your Memorial Quilt looks simply marvellous, Elliott. I do hope you like the little pictures!

Today was the day three years ago that I went into Leeds General Infirmary to have you, my sweet son.

I hate this day. I am continuously replaying the time when I was in labour with you, on this day three years ago, and it is torturing my mind...

I posted your 3rd Heavenly Birthday onto the Potter’s Forum and created a little poem for you. It is called “Without You” and here it is:

Darling son, we miss you,
More than words can say.
The pain of you not being here,
Grows bigger every day.

But we will hold you once again,
And see your face once more.
When we leave this earth and journey on,
Through Heaven’s eternal door.

~ Words by Mummy ~

~~~

I am trying so hard to keep busy to block it all out, the pain, the tears and the heartache... but it is not working...

Stayed up with your Daddy until after midnight, so that I could wish you a Happy Heavenly Birthday, and post a message to your guestbook. This is getting so hard... the tears are coming...

This is it! Your Heavenly Birthday! Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Elliott! Just after midnight, I posted to your guestbook on your brilliant little piece of cyberspace that “Aunty Justine” created just for you. Daddy came upstairs to bed and the tears started... they welled up so quickly, they fell to the pillow just as fast... They did not stop until we both cried ourselves to sleep. I hope that we have some inner peace when we wake later this morning...

Just before taking Chloë to Nursery School, a parcel delivery arrived... Your wonderful sweet “Aunty Justine” and “Uncle Andrew”, Ben and Sophie have sent the most loving, most special and most precious gifts for your Heavenly Birthday...

After collecting Chloë from Nursery School, we went to collect your balloons and flowers from Rachael’s and went to your little resting place.

I really hope you like the number “3” floral tribute we have had specially made for your Heavenly Birthday, Elliott. Chloe also wrote her name in her best writing on the little card that accompanies the flowers for you.

I have attached the most gorgeous “Kipper The Dog” balloon that “Aunty Justine” and “Uncle Andrew”, Ben and Sophie have got for you to your Memorial Vase... it is fluttering away furiously in the swift winds that are blowing today... it is so beautiful.

Your big sister Chloë was amazing today... she held so tightly onto those three bright orange balloons until Mummy said “1, 2, 3... Go!” and then she released them heaven-bound for you... I hope that you are going to enjoy playing with the balloons that Chloë sent for you. Also, I hope that you remember your manners and share them with Jack and Sam!

I went online later that today and saw that “Aunty Justine” has created the most astonishing birthday page for you... it is simply breath-taking! She has also added a Birthday Square to your Memorial Quilt which is such a really sweet thing to do...

As your Birthday draws to a close, we find ourselves completely drained emotionally, physically and spiritually... however, a very moving and touching thing happened at just after 10.45pm today...

I was sat at the computer, taking some time out with you at your website, and looking at the new graphics that Justine has created and loaded up for Jack and Sam’s site when I heard a faint whimper...

I immediately got up and went to check on Phoebe and Chloë sleeping in their rooms to see if they were alright. Both were sound asleep... fast asleep... not a murmur from either of them!

I went back to the computer and felt really cold... icy cold. Moments later, Justine logged onto the MSN Messenger and I told her about it. She was in no shadow of a doubt... it was Elliott (you)... telling me that he was OK and that he loved me. Oh, how I hope that it is the case.

The day is always hard; the year that follows is just as hard, but we manage, somehow, to get through it all and try to live with the most beautiful and precious memory of you in our hearts...

Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Elliott... we love and miss you so!

After doing this journal, I have decided that I will not do this exercise in future years... although I find creating poetry and verse a very soothing and cathartic thing to do; when it comes to dealing with raw emotion surrounding the date on which Elliott was heaven-bound, I am completely and utterly bereft... it is still so raw three years further on in my life... and I feel that the Heavenly Birthdays get so harder to deal with each passing year...

Actually taking the time to write down how I feel, regardless of the swift speed at which I am able to type, forces me think over and over about my feelings as I put my emotions into written format. I find it way too painful an exercise and shall, in future, dedicate my time to creating verse in honour of my son...

At least when I am only thinking of how I feel, and not recording it into the written word, I am able to try and quickly change my thoughts and try to focus on something else... a task which is impossible when journal writing as I have to concentrate on what I am putting on paper...

I shall always commemorate my dear son’s Heavenly Birthday, along with pictures and updates to his most precious website, to share with his family, his dear Potters Playmates families, and YOU!

Please feel free to visit my most special son, Elliott, at his beautiful website:

http://www.angelelliott.dabsol.co.uk

Thank You