Preface:

This is a beginning and not yet complete. Underneath any content which includes frustration, there is sadness on behalf of both men and women, specially the children of divorce. The purpose is not to blame, but is to identify the major problems, so that both men and women can work together to find the much needed solutions to the crisis in the Muslim family:
 

A)   Introduction:

In one generation, the divorce rate among American Muslims has gone from 1 to 35%. Many American Muslims in their twenties and thirties are having trouble getting married and staying together. Some career women have been very vocal, asking "Why is it so hard". It's like Bush asking rhetorically, "Why do they hate us". What they seem to have forgotten is: A man seeks to get married to a woman, for love. By nature, women are complex and men are simple. It takes a feminine woman and a masculine man to create a mutually rewarding relationship and a functional family.

The most influential member of the family is the woman. The major problem single Muslim women have these days is immaturity and role confusion. It is also a legitimate complaint that often single men are found to be immature. The solutions are "not that hard" but the Muslim community seems to like the pain it's in, and therefore don't feel they require pre-marital training courses. Such (semester) long term lectures and labs would provide the tools and wisdom required for overcoming immaturity and role confusion.
 

B)    Analysis of the Problems:

In the mean time, if women want constructive feedback, here are some of the problems that men see:

1) Men Have Not Gone Insane:
A man seeks a woman for marriage who loves him unconditionally. He needs to be trusted and respected. He requires loyalty and mature communication. He wonders, "How Hard Can It Be" for her to do that?

2) Erosion of Women's Relationship Skills:
The best book containing time-tested wisdom on relationships, for women is: "What Really Works With Men", with the subtitle "Solve 95% of Your Relationship Problems and Do Something About the Rest". For example, the author, A. Justin Sterling asks a question to working women:
Do you want to be a career woman or a woman with a career?

3) The Endangered Species: Honorable Men:
The landmark book for men is "Iron John" with the subtitle "A Book About Men". The author, and famous American poet Robert Bly started doing seminars called "A Gathering of Men", which showed on PBS starting around 1992, and promoted the men's movement. He states, that for thousands of years, boys in most cultures went through "Rites of Passage". This "Initiation into Manhood" is often a process of two to seven years, in which the elder men teach the boy everything he needs to know to survive as a successful man. Thus the ancient wisdom of how to be a man, was handed down generation after generation

4) The Downfall of the Muslims:
It is a tragedy that in the Muslim community, no such training exists. It is obvious that parents have not been able to provide the required knowledge to their children, to prepare them for a healthy marriage. So a man lacking maturity can end up in divorce because he had no pro-active or long-term help available from a masjid. Also, a Muslima who lacks maturity, could end up marrying a non-Muslim man, as a result of a bitter divorce

5) Crimes of the Father:
A father's job toward his son is to teach him everything he needs to be successful as a man. He serves as the example of a man, to his daughter who ends up choosing a husband like her father. But instead, often the father behaves like a dictator, ordering around family members, expecting them to obey blindly. He emphasizes university education to his children, but doesn't teach them how much individuals need nurturance from their families for survival. The children spend four to ten years in universities, learning how to make money. But they don't spend even one semester learning about family dynamics and how to create a healthy marriage

6) Mama's Boys:
The mother needs to break from the boy so that he can grow up to be a man. This is why it is not uncommon to see a fifty year old man who is emotionally dependent on his mother as if he's still a boy. It is extremely common for example in the South Asian culture that the wife thus has to compete with her husband's mother

7) Like Mother Like Daughter:
It is mainly the mother's responsibility to train her daughter and teach her how to create a mutually rewarding relationship with her future husband. Most of the mothers of Muslima's were housewives, born and raised in other countries. They have not been effective in training their daughters, specially those who have careers. When the daughter starts making money, she gets a taste of independence. This newness and unfamiliar terrain of independence can get confused with ego, or arrogance, or rebellion, or a power trip in the politics of relationships

8) Lack of Good Examples:
A woman learns about womanhood from other women. A woman can't really teach someone how to be a man, because she isn't one. A man needs to learn how to be a man from other men. Around 1990, the Christians started "The Promise Keepers" program to achieve this goal. Some "Muslim" nations have a lot more money than "Christian" or "Jewish" nations. But other than that, in general, the Muslim community has a lot of catching up to do with the other nations. For example, there is no desire to be a part of any Muslim group like "Promise Keepers". So the new American Muslim community lacks a progressive attitude, and has been unable to provide a comprehensive set of tools to individuals, to ensure a 100% success rate in a marriage

9) Happily Single versus Doubly Miserable:
Why does anyone want to get married in today's world? America's a free society and when Muslims want to date in public or in private, no one can stop them. They don't want to be tied down with the "wrong" person who will make them both miserable. So instead, some single Muslims keep dating while searching for that ideal soul mate

10) Surrender Toward God and Devil's Advocate Toward Fellow Muslims:
Confused Muslims tend to fight tooth and nail, to make sure they don't agree with each other. The individual's purpose seems to be "I want to be right by making the other person wrong", even when the other person may be saying something truthful. An immature and egotistical Muslim feels that if she agrees or listens to the other person, she will be perceived as a loser. So there is a constant one-upmanship battle going on. Muslims have become so mistrustful of each other that it looks like we're paranoid. Our communities are full of cynical, arrogant, self-righteous, closed minded, skeptics who enjoy playing the game of the devil's advocate. Any thinking individual can't tell the forest from the tree, and so even he's restricted to operate on an island like the other Muslims

11) Dating as Marriage:
Many Muslims today are entering into marriage with the premise that if it doesn't work out, oh well, divorce will be okay. Often it is exactly like dating, except it has a label of marriage. But according to Islamic teachings, divorce is just past the haraam line, and is the least desirable among halal actions. The American TV culture of dating has infiltrated and defeated the culture of marriage

12) Shortcutting and Skipping Steps:
First, the person has to know themselves. Second, she should make a list of qualities she seeks in a man, with whom she is willing to give her all, to make a marriage work. Third, the spouse with that criteria needs to be found. Fourth, a lifetime commitment needs to be made while marrying the person. Fifth, the daily sacrifice and devotion needs to be made to make the marriage last a lifetime. Sixth, a mutually rewarding relationship is further developed so that the children can be provided proper parental guidance to help them succeed in a very challenging world. The premise should be "I will make this marriage work, resolving any obstacles which come in the way". Starting many years before getting married, the Muslim's daily actions need to indicate an honorable commitment to the construction of a loving family environment. But instead, most of the time, couples skip steps one through five and are shocked to find themselves unable to reach step six. They end up in a miserable state, living as roommates who can't get along.

13) Divorce as Suicide:
A depressed individual needs to make a decision that suicide is not an option. This helps him to focus on a large number of other options on the spectrum of possible actions. Similarly, when a person decides that like suicide, divorce is not an option, then she will spend her efforts on positive actions like marriage counseling, self help books on relationships, assistance from some wise elders, personal development, educating himself about the roles and responsibilities of males, versus females, etc. etc. Beginning the marriage with a committed view that "I will not get divorced", can help the couple to lay down a pro-active pattern, working toward that goal. In the West, marriage is celebrated on the wedding anniversary and on Valentines day. Yet, to develop a deep and lifelong bond, the relationship needs consistent attention three hundred and sixty five days of the year

14) The Auto-Pilot Expecting Miracles:
Often the condition of a Muslim is the hands-off, passive attitude, letting circumstances rule his life. He blames his lazy life in the comfort zone, on God's Will. Before marriage, she has inadequate preparation, and puts no effort in trying to understand how to make a relationship successful. She expects her knowledge and life will be miraculously transformed after the wedding day. She leaves her relationship skills on auto-pilot, before and after marriage, pretending that things will work themselves out, on their own. When the natural tendency of entropy leads to disorder, she then blames the man for the crashing relationship

15) Using Selfish Relationship Models:
Men's lives didn't change much in the last few decades. But women changed significantly as they entered the work force. The American woman became independent even from her husband and children. This freedom model failed for the general American population, where half the marriages end within three years and 75% of marriages end within seven years. Perceiving themselves to be modern, powerful and free, Muslim women started following this faulty American model of relationships, which doesn't work even for Americans. Progressive Americans on the other hand, are going back to the traditional model and build upon those fundamentals. A forward thinking Muslim woman needs to focus on the traditional Islamic model also, while finding positive ways to correct the mistakes of their parents' example

16) Having Fun versus Having Vision:
There are basically two types of relationships. The first is dating for fun, sex, fashion, looking good and impressing others. The pleasure principle of desiring instant gratification, achieves superficial rewards. The second kind of relationship is marriage, which requires maturity, commitment, responsibility and self sacrifice. The main purpose is, to create a loving partnership so that good parental guidance can be provided to the children. Some Native Americans support long term vision in this way: Before making any major decision in life, imagine what effect you will cause on the next seven generations

17) Form versus Content:
Over-stimulation by TV, teaches a person to emphasize physical images. Good looking, slender bodies which have an appealing form, often have a contrasting ugly content which is unable to create contentment in a relationship

18) If Your Priorities are Superficial, That's What You'll Get:
Distractions of the American lifestyle encourage a Muslim man to think with a dating perspective. A man who dates, usually looks for superficial physical beauty. So if he chooses a woman for her face or figure, often that is mostly what he will get from her in the long run. Many good looking women are very demanding and the price they require for maintenance is very high. Often she thinks that by being pretty, she is doing more than enough favors to her Muslim husband. A mature man seeks a priceless gem of a Muslim woman whose traditional approach will create a loving home with him

19) Be My Shining Light:
The mature and generous Muslim woman is a beacon of light to her family and her community. Her children, her husband, her Muslim community and humanity are all in desperate need of her flexible feminine nature, and her deeply caring motherly abilities to nurture, teach and inspire us

20) He's Never Good Enough:
Some women saw their mothers bickering and complaining to their fathers. Some Muslim mothers talk badly about the father, behind his back. Combine this with the image of the father portrayed on American TV since the 1950's as a distant, cold, fool. Some women thus have such a negative prejudice against men, that no matter what the husband does, it is impossible to make her happy

21) A Control Freak Who's Out of Control:
An insecure woman uses her subjective opinions to make up self-serving rules to control her husband. She re-invents the wheel every day. An infantile vision assumes there's nothing to be learned from the wisdom of the past. She then expects the man to pretend that he was born yesterday. Even if her subjective method doesn't work, she wants it all today, at the expense of trashing what worked in the past

22) The Beauty of Motivation:
When the woman decides that she will not listen, there is no way a man can convince her to change her mind. On the other hand, women have much more persuasive skills to maneuver a relationship with a man

23) What Have You Done For Me Lately versus Gratitude:
A selfish woman sings this song because she becomes a bottomless pit. As hard as the man might try, he cannot fill her needs. When he doesn't get the appreciation at home, this drains his emotional, physical and spiritual energies. Thus the woman helps him to fail in life. Not being grateful is a part of kufr. So her lack of gratitude makes herself fail, not only in marriage, but ultimately she's a loser in her personal life also

24) Behind Every Successful Man There's A Supportive Woman:
If a man has to fight life's daily battles alone, he gets exhausted after some time. Like her, he needs love and a supportive home environment to re-charge his batteries. He needs the wife to be on his side and to enjoy his wins in life together. Joy is increased by sharing, and sorrows are decreased by sharing

25) Man Seeks Husband:
From a man's point of view, what is the extra bonus in a woman if she has a good career? More money for the home? It is the woman who usually looks for a man with a good career. And the man looks for a woman who has developed the fundamental skills for being a wife and mother. If he wants achievements in the corporate world, partnership with a career-oriented woman would be helpful to him. Instead, what he really wants is a family-oriented woman who is not confused about roles

26) Money Can't Buy Her Love:
If love is a high priority, she will focus on her family life. If money is her high priority, then she will focus on her career. Thus a career woman shouldn't be surprised when she has lots of money, plus lots of loneliness. She will have to choose devotion to family or dedication to career, as the highest priority in life. Would she rather neglect her career or neglect her children?

27) The Unmarriageable Woman:
The Prophet was not intimidated by Hazrat Khadija's money and business. But Islam says the best reason for marrying a woman is for her Deen. Hazrat Khadija excelled in Islamic teachings and was not following the corporate deen of the time, that is why she was not an unmarriageable woman. Today's career woman justifies her ego and upside-down priorities by emphasizing Hazrat Khadija's business skills, while brushing under the rug the family and relationship skills of the Prophet's wife

28) Woman Seeks Butler:
Usually, one spouse has to be more family-oriented. So an ideal for a career woman might be to find a man who sits at home. Of course, this doesn't work, because it is very contrary to a man's natural tendencies, and a woman hates to see a man who sits at home

29) It's All About Me:
It is a masculine trait, to be career-oriented. It is a feminine trait, to be family-oriented. For the family to survive, a man's career has to be a high priority. A mature man finds a way to successfully integrate his work, family and personal lives. Traditionally, for the successful woman, the highest priority has to be the children, then her husband, and lastly herself. In the area of family, also for the man, the highest priority has to be the children, then his wife, and lastly himself. The major problem today in family life is selfishness, where either the husband or wife, make their individual self the highest priority

30) The Hell of Marriage:
When the marriage starts going downhill, the husband doesn't care how many PhD's his wife has. What he prays for at that time is a caring, feminine woman who brings out the best in him. For the children of divorce, it is no consolation that their mother prefers her job over their father

31) The Death Sentence - Divorce:
Children are traumatically effected when their parents get divorced. The children prefer to deal with the death of both parents. Divorce means putting the children's lives in danger. In a family and community, divorce is the weapon of mass destruction

32) What's Common Between Suicide, Warfare and Divorce?
Suicide is not an option, warfare is the very last option, divorce is very close to the border of being haraam. First, the person needs to make a commitment that he will not commit suicide, which is an extreme on the spectrum of actions. Then he can start working on solutions. The same thing with warfare, nations have to be committed to negotiation and peacemaking. At the time of marriage, both people promise they'll make it work. But when trouble happens, they kill the family by getting a divorce
 

33) Only My Way, Not a Bi-way:
Insisting that one partner must adopt the dictates of the other creates too much resentment. If the current method is not working, then the family deserves a second method to make the relationship prosper. The woman has to be open, and to admit it when her way is not working. So she can read books, seek counseling, and find another way that really works with men

34) The Bargain Hunter:
A relationship is a two way street. But the selfish person wants to do very little and get a lot in return. The bargain hunter wants to get a better deal while giving the other person the short end of the stick

35) Dictator versus Student:
Instead of being a dictator, it works better to have a student's point of view, with the willingness to learn

36) The Masjid Can't Save a Troubled Marriage:
Many Muslims make the excuse that they don't need to go anywhere for help "because all the answers are in the Quran". At the same time, they don't follow the general teachings of Islam. In case of physical injury, they don't run to the masjid, they go to a doctor. But after being emotionally and psychologically injured in marriage, they go to seek help from the masjid. At the masjid, the imam usually does not provide referrals in his self-righteousness, and the couple is not advised to seek professional marriage and family counseling

37) Not Selling Out the Marriage:
It is good for a woman to be well educated. But in the process, if her family values and relationship skills are destroyed, then she has actually defeated herself. A successful woman is the one who is family oriented first, and uses her education and job, to enhance the pre-requisite of her relationship skills

38) Wishful Thinking vs. Reality:
As a community, we make the "Dawa" or proclamation that Islam is the best religion and Muslims are the best humans. We give plenty of emotional lip service, but don't back it up with actions, to prove the excellence of Islamic teachings. The best dawa is by living as a good example. A non-Muslim person would see the value in becoming a Muslim if he gets a good answer to the question: Can Muslims give me a program which creates a fulfilling marriage and avoids divorce? The answer is, no such practical training exists today. Though the theories are strong in Islam, 35% of Muslims in America still end up in divorce. Similarly, can Muslims help an alcoholic to quit drinking? No such practical program exists among Muslims, but millions of people have received the solution through Alcoholics Anonymous

39) Me vs. the Prophet:
As individuals, we make the "Dawa" of being good Muslims, but in practice, the relationship between husband and wife proves we don't practice the Prophet's teachings. For example, a wife wants her husband to follow her own personal desires, whims and opinions. Or the man follows his ego instead of higher principles

40) Getting Real:
Some people call themselves Muslim but say "Get Real! We are not prophets, we are ordinary humans". Using this excuse, they actually say that they don't need to follow the example of Prophet Muhammed

41) That Was Then, This Is Now:
When a Muslim says that Islamic teachings are outdated and don't apply in today's complex world, it is an indication of lack of faith. Adaptation is useful, but throwing the baby out with the bath water is self destructive

42) Judging a Book by its Cover:
The leader at the masjid has a very bad reputation and needs to make great efforts to undo the stereotypes which are commonly believed about him. It is thus easy to not be able to see a good tree in a forest of bad examples. Many Muslims don't trust men who have beards or who look "religious". Many Muslims also think that in the hijab is a good woman. But a beard, robe, hat or hijab can also be used as a mask to hide hypocrisy. On the other extreme, a modern American "Muslim" wife sometimes wants a divorce because she thinks her husband is too religious or too oppressive

43) Bollywood vs. Familyhood:
Indian movies and Network American TV, promote a romanticized view of life and relationships. Some viewers start believing that movies are truthful depictions of practical life. Thus they develop unreasonable, high expectations, desiring a perfect marriage partner who should be prince charming or a super model. The male gets brainwashed and seeks a beautiful, slim, spunky, sociable woman. The female viewer gets conditioned into believing that the romanticized version of life presented in soap operas and movies, is real, and the norm. She envisions a rich socialite, with fast cars and a palace. And when her husband does not match the romantic model on TV, she hates him

44) The Prima Donna Material Girl:
Some "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and dance, yet want to be seen "Like A Virgin", as if they are fit for worship like the original "Madonna", mother of Prophet Jesus. She wants her man to prostrate and litter her feet with expensive gifts and sacraments

45) The Gold Miner / Doc Hunter:
As long as he has plenty of money, she's happy. The doctor or wealthy man could have poor manners, or bad character, but this she can overlook. But if he gets sued for malpractice, loses his license, and thus can't maintain the old standard of living, then she says "sorry honey, bye bye, I'm just not in love with you any more"

46) Nice Girls Finish Last?
He could take her for granted and think she's a pushover. So he pushes the boundaries further and further by mistreating her. Similarly, for some women, it's easy to take advantage of nice guys

47) The Bigger Better Deal:
The more you make, the more you spend. For an upwardly mobile, all American Muslim, an upgrade is always overdue, for a newer car, a bigger house, and a better partner. The present situation is never good enough because material consumption cannot fulfill spiritual hunger

48) He's Good Enough Only When He's Dead:
After the husband's death, she may start singing his praises. But while he was alive, he did not receive much thanks or respect from her

49) Ready for Marriage But Only in Your Imagination:
The individual communicates to parents, family, friends and through matchmakers and internet matrimonial ads that she is ready for marriage. But her attitude and actions show that she's just having fun, flirting, enjoying the attention, and not yet serious about settling down into a marriage commitment

50) Playing the Victim Role:
Blaming others by pretending to be the victim and not taking ownership of her own life and actions. Milking negative events of the past to control the partner

51) Playing Dum:
Still in the playing phase, pretending to be naive, in order to manipulate the partner. Stating that "I don't know" is a good way, of escaping from taking responsibility

52) A Sorry State of Affairs:
Thinking that saying sorry should be enough for the harmed partner. Hoping to avoid any consequences or accountability, of any action (large or small), by simply saying "I'm Sorry" and refusing to look deeper at the issue

53) Spoiled Rotten Princess Seeks Miracle Worker:
Part of bad training by the parents is to give the daughter whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. She grows up thinking that her husband should also grant all her wishes and work miracles

54) The Empty Nest On the Hill:
Unfortunately, there has been a lot of bad news for women. It's true they work hard at school, and at work, develop rewarding careers, but still feel unfulfilled without the love of a man. All the material and career gains don't make her family dreams come true

55) Do Feminists Hate Men?
Til the early 1990's, there was no agreed upon definition of "Feminism". The feminist movement demanded human rights for women, but also did a lot of damage to family life. Many pioneers in the feminist movement are homosexual. Often women went overboard and tried to become like men, because they received mixed messages from feminists

56) Homosexual Teachers of Relationships vs. Heterosexual Teachers of Marriage:
Wisdom can be learned from Gandhi, and from feminists too, but the meat and potatoes are to be found in our own tradition, in the example of the Prophet and his wives. Couples who follow these traditions as a foundation of their relationship, will need to make only minor adjustments to survive in the modern world. But since they haven't had good parental guidance, they require relationship training based on the Prophet's family traditions

57) Men Cannot Become Women:
Americans are realizing the truth that "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and are turning toward traditional models to make marriages work in today's world. Unfortunately, Muslims are still behind, because they're following the failed modern models of American relationships

58) Lack of Knowledge:
One can be the president, a priest, a doctor or a PhD and still be prejudiced. Education and degrees are not a cure-all, and they don't make a human a know-it-all. Knowledge about business and sciences cannot be used as a replacement for lack of knowledge in relationships. 99 % of people with degrees didn't take a single class on relationships, or on being a man or on being a woman. As if on auto-pilot, dreaming to suddenly develop on the wedding day, a high quality of masculinity, fatherhood, femininity or motherhood

59) Women Don't Trust Men:
Emphasizing equality, women have lost the long term vision of family. They have trouble finding trustworthy men. But if she trusts a man and gives him her best, an honorable man will give her in return, a lot more than he receives. But since she holds back, he follows her example

60) Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places:
Television and magazine ads, sell images. People start believing that reality equals marketing. When she mimics the western woman's image, the Muslima is rewarded by men who give her more attention. She feels she's more in demand when she talks, walks, dresses, and acts like an Americanized woman. Low cut tops and jeans do get her more attention, but it's from men who are usually interested in a short-term recreational relationship. When people are giving attention to her physical shape, she might mistake it to mean they are giving her love

61) "Save Me From Homosexuality":
Some women from Muslim families develop the view that men are not able to make them happy. Some try sexual relationships with women, and blame the community that high quality of Muslim males were not made available to them, so they went elsewhere. Some women say they will stop being with women, for the right man. Some women offer this deal to their Muslim husbands to be: I'll let you have two wives at a time, if you let me have a girlfriend on the side

62) The Unwilling to Sacrifice Ego:
Most of our mothers were not well educated, and our fathers generally oppressed them. So the daughters see this model, and in their rebellion against it, they go to an extreme. With a good salary to back her up, she wishes to dominate the husband to take revenge on her mother's behalf. A woman with only a high school degree will tend to have a smaller ego, and will find it easier to make compromises with her husband. The higher the degree, the bigger the salary, and the bigger is her ego, and the less is the caring. And so a careless career woman is much less likely to keep her ego in check. Her big ego will make her think in a masculine way. Jihad against others is easier than Jihad al-rooh, meaning it's difficult battle to looking inside one's own self. So her degree and salary can become the demons (if she lets them), who stop her from doing Jihad al-Nafs, which is required to make a marriage work

63) The High Maintenance Brat:
In a severe role-confusion, the woman wants the marriage to be 50/50. She holds back, giving only a conditional 50%, becoming lazy and overly demanding of her husband. She may feel like a super woman, a super achiever, who becomes super demanding. There is no super man who is willing to become a super slave to provide her such an unrealistic high standard of maintenance

64) Feminized Men and Masculine Women:
A woman is supposed to be feminine. Very rare Muslim men are looking for a masculine woman. Men's masculinity hasn't changed much in the past few decades. But since the 1960's, on the path of competing with men in the work environment, then competing with men at home, women have become less feminine and more masculine. This is a big turn off for men. Usually, wimpy men and macho women are not considered desirable by the opposite sex. Instead, both need to be empowered and well rounded individuals so they don't need to be in political power struggles

65) Eat Your Corporate Competition For Breakfast:
A woman who experiences "success" at work, unconsciously applies the corporate model at home. But the family environment gets destroyed if in the home there's a dog eat dog, rat race

66) "Treat Me Like a goddess":
Some parents give the fantasy message to a daughter that she is perfect and she starts believing she can do no wrong. The Muslim woman in college and work, sees all her colleagues dating. Specially if she's good looking, she is constantly asked out on a date. Men will lift her to the heavens with their compliments, telling her how exotic she is, til she starts believing she's a goddess. She may refuse the dates, but expects the same fantasy treatment and lies from her husband. Some women actually say to their husbands "while dating, I have been treated like nothing less than a goddess". The man has to slap himself to make sure he's awake cause he hasn't met any walking "god" in his life, only idols

67) Dating the Husband:
There are basically two types of relationships between a man and a woman: Short-term is dating for fun and temporary, sensual gratification. Long-term is mature, spiritually intimate, serious, for marriage and kids. The career woman may think that a long-term relationship requires the low level of "commitment" of a short-term. Some are proud to say "lie to me". In that model, she will end up a single parent, adding to her children's confusion

68) Women Are Better Than Men in Almost Every Way:
Men and women are different, and have their own strengths. So there is no need to compete. According to psychology, women are social and relationship-oriented. While men are individual and rule-oriented. Using her God-given superior skills in relationship management, a feminine woman can enlist her husband's cooperation

69) Confusing Pieces of the Puzzle:
What sons and daughters are taught at home, in the masjid, at school and at work, is mixed messages. Thus we end up shooting in the dark, using tools which give hit and miss results. What's needed is clarity on the basics of the roles, through a semester long Islamic course called "Fundamentals of Marriage"

70) Making Yourself Right til Divorce:
There are such programs available in the non-Muslim arena. But Muslims are unwilling to learn from those sources. Muslim couples would rather get divorced than to resolve their issues by going to a psychologist who provides marriage counseling. When the troubled couple goes to the masjid for "counseling", usually the administration is not qualified enough to help save their marriage. The Imam at the masjid is usually too pompous to refer the couple to a psychologist for relationship counseling. An ideal treatment would be by a Counselor who has training in psychology, and combines those tools with Islamic teachings

71) Prejudice Against the Muslim Male:
Having lived with the parents' model which required the wife to be like a maid, in the presence of a dictator, the backlash today is that the career woman wants to dictate her own terms which would only work with a domesticated man who behaves like a male maid. Based on that prejudice, she is shut down to this type of feedback from a mature male. The career woman tends to believe that a Muslim man is only out to oppress her

72) Incoherent Priorities:
The career woman behaves like a man, when she expects her husband to make the wife as the number one priority in his life. At the same time, her number one priority is her career. Her second priority is herself. Her third priority is her children. And the way she treats her husband, proves that he is at the bottom of her priority list. So why would he want to get married to a woman like that? The cons far outweigh the pros, in the man's view

73) She Needs a Man She Can Lean On:
In the past few decades, the role of a husband hasn't changed. He always went to work and was the main provider. He needs to make a small change in the traditional model, which is to honor his wife more. He also needs to stop being an insecure Mama's Boy and grow up to be a well-rounded, mature man

74) The Most Sacred Ambition:
For a Muslim woman who follows in the footsteps of the Prophet's wives, the most sacred ambition is to be known as the best wife and best mother. Being the best doctor, lawyer and professors should be secondary. Otherwise, a woman for whom career ambitions are the highest priority; feels empty inside, and as she grows older, she becomes harder, more bitter, and even less desirable

75) Excellence in Career But Incompetence in Marriage:
The reality is that Muslim women have worked hard for their education and careers, at the expense of not working hard toward marriage and family life. Frequently, she's proud doing an excellent job at school, at work, treating her boss, colleagues and clients in the best way, but mistreating her husband at home

76) Freedom or Corporate Slavery:
A career woman gets a false sense of freedom from her degrees, career and salary. Deep inside she knows that her feminine instincts long for a fulfilling relationship with a loving husband. If she's lucky, she realizes her predicament, and changes before age 36. Since women are much more skilled than men in relationships, hopefully they will focus more on their feminine-self development to attract mature men, as the biological clocks keeps ticking away

77) A Virtuous Woman:
A fundamental reason for the decline of the Muslim family, specially the divorces in America, is the lack of virtuous women and honorable men. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "The world and all things in it are valuable; but the most valuable thing in the world is a virtuous woman." {Sahih Muslim, Hadith 704}

78) Empty Pride in Being a Muslim:
We can't be proud of making the "Dawa" that the divorce rate among Muslim Americans is better than the American norm of 50%. The divorce rate of American Muslims is going up from 35%. What's more tragic is, there are no statistics on the damage done to the children of divorced homes. Such a child suffers abandonment issues and often blames herself for the parents' divorce

79) The Ability to Empathize:
A child develops certain cognition skills around age five. This is when playing peek-a-boo doesn't work. Because before then, she doesn't have the mental ability to look from the point of view of the other person. When the parent hides behind a wall, the infant thinks they have disappeared. After age 5, the child develops the ability to put himself in another's shoes. This quality is called empathy, which is one of the highest spiritual principles. An immature person has a lot of trouble looking at the other's point of view

80) Mature Men and Women Help Us Win:
The result of immaturity and role confusion is that the whole family is defeated. Is it worth it if somebody's career wins? As an extension of the family, the whole Muslim Community loses
 

D) Solutions:

1)  A Muslim scholar teams up with a psychologist to develop the contents of semester long training courses. Each class should meet once a week for three hours, over a period of four months. Some beginning courses would be:

IS 101:    Fundamentals of Becoming a Real Muslim Woman
or
IS 102:    Fundamentals of Becoming a Real Muslim Man

IS 110:    How to Create a Healthy Marriage Which Will Last a Lifetime

IS 120:    How to Provide Excellent Parental Guidance

IS 130:    Your Roles and Responsibilities in Uplifting the Muslim Community

IS 140:    Constructive Community Service:
                        Volunteer for Improving the Condition of Humanity

2)  A Halaqa organization needs to be created and supported, like the Muslim version of the Christian PromiseKeepers. Men will meet once a week and help each other in personal development. Through the program, an individual will also learn how to become a better husband and father. As the condition of the individual is improved, this will have a very positive impact on his relationships and surroundings

3)  A similar women's organization needs to be created, where females help each other in self development, in how to be a better wife and mother

4)  The women's group and men's group meet together to do community service projects which result in community construction and empowerment