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Suicide Diaries
Friday, 13 August 2004
My Life...Really
As much as I would love to pretend that my life is some extraordinary exception to fate...Its not. Im single, beautiful and funny...creative..prone to depression...musically, verbally and artistically talented...and troubled. But, I love Jesus, love my cat, and love my family. I woke up this morning...sleepy and drooling, and Im making it through this day DAMMIT! hahaha Thats it for now..Later People! I dont know ya, but I love ya anyways.

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 10:35 AM
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My Lebanese Friend
Over the course of many moons, I have met some questionable characters over the "net." From late night married perverts, to the psychologically disabled, to the just-plain-dumb, Ive seen alot...and learned even more. One day, I discovered a gem...Yahoo Pool...WHOA! I love it!(alot of people do, so dont hate!) Anyhoo, so Im playing pool, getting my ass kicked, and creating tables for more losses..and in pops this guy. I thought to myself.."Cute avatar..wonder if hes gonna kick my ass too?!?" As the games progressed, and my score plummeted..his score skyrocketed and we got to know each other. Hes a student in Lebanon studying, and very articulate. We talked about everything from the population of our perspective countries, to genocide to sports. It was fun...and it still is...ELI...this is for you....~kisses~ Bei

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 10:28 AM
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Spoken Like A True Materialist
Living a life far from the essence of poverty, Has earned me the bragging rights at the social events, mixers, and meetings of mediocre society. Ironic isnt it? Once one takes into consideration that my financial splendor is not of my own course, but the fruition of the sweat fallen from anothers brow. Nonetheless, I galavant around, head lifted, nose high...Unaware of less fortunate onlookers. Unless of course, they fall prey to my dry wit in regards to their misfortunate placement in societies economic ladder. At times, my compassion, hope and sentiment get the best of me. I have been known to visit a homeless street kitchen, from time to time. Although I am sure that my presence at prominent gatherings of intellect, fashion and fame are more duely noted. In a sense, I feel that each of us are responsible for our own state of affairs. I dont pity the poor, because to me, they are simply irresponsible, reckless haggarts...People who in spite of opportunity chose comfort. The lackidasical lumps in the barnacles that bring the spirit of the responsible of mankind plummeting to the bare, unforgiving earth. Thats the bottom line. There really is no more for me. You either make yourself, take whats yours and live your life....Or let life happen to you, pray, trust good luck, and frequent regret and self-pity. I chose my path. What about you? (Writers Discourse: After a disgruntled conversation with my family, and a pleasant refresher with CNN...I had an urge to write...and LO and BEHOLD!! this is what came out...lol Go figure! Is this me? NO!! Am I rich? NOO!!! Where did I learn to speak from external motives? I have no phucking idea!!) Hope ya liked it!

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 10:20 AM
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2-04-2002 Thrashing Woes of Doubt (past loves)
Thrashing all of my woes of doubt...His love engulfs me...His irresistible kiss and daring stare...Sweetly caress me and display his care. A-an undying force of unconditional love in my life. A-allowing me to reach new heights of happiness. R-realization of all my desires, the alpha and O-Omega and N-Nemesis of anything that wishes to harm me....Geez...talk about being in love...Love is BLIND! hahaha

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 10:07 AM
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1-8-2002 A Letter Aaron Wrote To Me Days Before Our Anniversary
Treena, You make me feel so strong and beautiful and powerful. Like I can do anything, or be anything. It hurts me so bad when I remember that Im not. Im so shallow. Theres nothing to me. Im so average and normal. Capable of nothing special. Im so ugly and stupid. You deserve someone who brings you joy and beauty into your life, someone who will never hurt you. Ill never be able to be any of this. Sometimes it hurts me so bad that you are wasting your time with me. I just want to run awau and give you the time to think clearly and see this all for yourself. Sometimes your touch alone, hurts me so badly that I cry. I will never be the man you need or deserve. Ill never be anything. All I know is that I love you completely, with my mind, body and soul. But I still dont understand how you can love me. Im nothing. Im empty and fake. I dont know how Ive managed to forget these things about myself. When they resurface, it hurts so bad. Especially now, that Im not alone. I love you, and I know you love me but sometimes I dont understand what there is for you to love.

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 9:58 AM
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1-17-2003 To My Husband On Our 1 Year Anniversary
Aaron, So far, you've been everything I've ever wished for, and all that I need. You've been strong enough to care for me when I could not care for myself, and the reason I could make it through a day for a year now. To My Loving, Caring Husband On Our Anniversary Enveloped in a world of chaos, and sorrow, You're my peace. Like a cool breeze on a sunny day, You're there. Quietly working your magic, Showing me just how beautiful life can be. Oh my love, I see you within my eyes, Like a breeze from the skies, I need you to blow through my love. Aaron and I are now divorced, but at one time things were amicable and quite lovely.

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 9:53 AM
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5-18-2003 When If First Woke Up
Today, when I woke up I felt very slow, tired and lethargic. My eyes feel very heavy, and I think that today might not be as good for me as Saturday (yesterday) was. I really miss having music to listen to. I want to ask about it, but I'm pretty sure that it would be a big deal to get to doctor to approve something like that for me. I was so excited, and anxious yesterday. I'm not really sure why. But it was an awesome day from the moment I woke up until the second I went to bed last night. Maybe this medication is kicking in?!? Mom and Dad sent me a BEAUTIFUL English Ivy today. It was, and still is, the talk of the loony bin. Anytime someone comes by the room, they peek in , look at it, and smile. Im gonna talk to her today (the ivy). Im also going to name her, but Im not quite sure about the name yet. It really helps the mood of the room, and improves my spirit just to have her here. Im gonna talk to her today, and encourage myself to get better.

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 9:45 AM
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5-14-2003 Shortly After A Mental Meltdown In Stabilized Captivity at Samaritan Medical
I stare out of the windows in jealousy of the people I see walking in the sun, laughing, enjoying life, and taking it for granted. I would give anything to have the "will to live", and to be "glad that I wake up in the morning" and get another chance to make it through a day. I've read through some of my old journals, and its amazing to see just how happy and content that I was with my life. It seems like it was another lifetime, since it was so long ago. I feel like there are so many things that I should be happy about, and thankful for, but there's an obstacle, a type of nemesis, bigger and stronger than me. Today, I still have thoughts of hurting myself, but they're further away from my grasps than usual. Everyday that I wake up, I turn my thoughts into a ship that travels through the journeys of my mind, and shows me all of the different reasons that I have for feeling the way that I do. In my own thoughts, theres a host of parasites biting at me, tearing me apart, and spitting the pieces back at me, as if to mock me.

Posted by poetry/suicide_diaries at 9:37 AM
Updated: Friday, 13 August 2004 9:37 AM
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