5-14-2003 Shortly After A Mental Meltdown In Stabilized Captivity at Samaritan Medical
I stare out of the windows in jealousy of the people I see walking in the sun, laughing, enjoying life, and taking it for granted. I would give anything to have the "will to live", and to be "glad that I wake up in the morning" and get another chance to make it through a day. I've read through some of my old journals, and its amazing to see just how happy and content that I was with my life. It seems like it was another lifetime, since it was so long ago. I feel like there are so many things that I should be happy about, and thankful for, but there's an obstacle, a type of nemesis, bigger and stronger than me. Today, I still have thoughts of hurting myself, but they're further away from my grasps than usual. Everyday that I wake up, I turn my thoughts into a ship that travels through the journeys of my mind, and shows me all of the different reasons that I have for feeling the way that I do. In my own thoughts, theres a host of parasites biting at me, tearing me apart, and spitting the pieces back at me, as if to mock me.