Sadly, I still write to you - in my dreams, my journal and my heart.
~jenna
I wish I could pour my heart out to someone and spill forth all the pain,
sadness, frustration, anger, confusion and every other heartbreaking
emotion you caused me. But I feel it would fall on deaf ears. "It's been
too long," they say, "since you two broke up. You need to get over it."
I still see you in my dreams - dreams of reconciliation and you
coming back saying you never stopped loving me, never stopped
thinking about me. I find emmense comfort in those dreams and am
saddened when the alarm goes off or when I stir just enough to wake
me from my sweet, deep slumber.
All I do is remember all the goodness of those four years. And
pretty much all of it was good. I could have said, "I love you" more
often, but I was a virgin in more ways than one. A virgin to feeling
that kind of happiness. A virgin to being in love. A virgin to having
someone love me. I was learning as I went along. I made mistakes - not
showing/explaining my feelings enough. But you knew I couldn't wait
to spend the rest of my life with you - my best friend, my lover,
my confidant, my guide, my John.
But one phone call wiped away all the happiness, warmth, love
and everything else we'd shared together. After 4 years of being
together and being in love, a phone call destroyed it all. I was your
lover, your best friend, your "soulmate" and fiance' and after 4 years,
all I got was your cowardly voice from thousand of miles away. All the
years we'd been together I'd respected you, admired you, and looked
up to you. You were always a man of high values, very responsible,
a hard worker; my whole family thought very highly of you. But then
the phone call came and everything that most people had thought
about you turned into a lie. You weren't any of those things. You were
now a coward, and not a MAN at all. We were apart only a few months -
that was enough to change your life forever? A few months of being
apart compared to 4 years of being together . . . . You really must not
have wanted the relationship if you didn't want to put more effort into
staying together.
I do still wonder, though, if you only broke up with me because
of the job - that that had to be the main priority and that's the only
way you could go about doing it. But, then why wouldn't you have
been able to say, "ok, this is how it is. . .but I want you to wait for me."
Maybe that would have been too selfish on your part and you didn't
want me to put my life on hold while you lived yours out. Because
when you initially broke up with me in March you did say it was
because of the job. But then in May when you called, you said you
didn't love me anymore. And your voice was so cold and heartless
in a sense - you weren't the same John. Or were you? Sometimes I
want to slap myself for having all of these thoughts. I should just
accept the fact that you broke up with me. There is no us. There is no
wedding; no children; no grandchildren; no life or future with you.
But then I start to think about all of the times you said you
couldn't wait to be my husband and me, your wife. All the times
you said you wanted to grow old with me. All the times. . .
I suppose I am holding on to too much. And the "too much"
is in the past. You aren't here now. You aren't telling me you love
me now. You aren't hugging me and kissing me and laughing with
me and brushing my hair and making love to me now. That was
then. That was all then. I should stop holding onto the past. But then I
read or hear about couples that were toether a long time, and broke up
and then later on got back together - be it a week or a year or more.
I secretly hope and pray that that's what happens with me and you.
I've always felt, deep down and even beyond the shadow of a doubt
that we were meant to be together. I felt it then and I feel it now. It felt
like we'd been together before - like in another life. And we just meshed
well. We fit perfectly. Like, your strengths were my weaknesses and
vice versa. We were such an "opposites attract" couple but we just
fit. . . so well together. It was amazing how good we were together.
We could finish eachothers sentences and we knew what eachother
was thinking at certain times and our ways together ...was like a graceful
dance. We just moved so well together. It was comfortable. And our
friends......our friends thought we were made for each other, we'd be
together forever. I didn't know forever only lasted four years.