Welcome to BDSM 101, also known as frequently asked questions...smiles.
To say that all the information on this page is original and mine would be untrue. I borrowed most of it from other sites (all of which have links on this page if you want to read more).
I hope you find some of the information useful and some answers to your questions....warm regards, Torans_soft
What the heck does BDSM mean?
The term BDSM is comprised of three distinct elements. Bondage and Discipline(B&D). Dominance and submission (D/s), Sadomasochism (SM) These elements describe an negotiated exchange of power between Mature consenting adults. In the context of safe, sane and consensual (SSC). This is the only mention of the term abuse. Because there is no room in an healthy relationship for it. and In a BDSM relationship the requirements of Trust , mutual love , caring and understanding will not allow it. (DungeonRealm)
B&D
Stands for bondage and discipline. This term describes an activity in which one person physically restrains another for the purpose of mutual stimulation. Using rope , straps , scarves , strips of cloth , strips of rubber , chains , handcuffs , leg irons ,etc... And can range from light (can easily free yourself) to heavy (unable to free yourself without assistance) Often associated with discipline in the form of spanking , caning , flogging , whipping , paddling. (from DungeonRealm)
Dominance/submission
Stands for Dominance and submission. Which describes more of an emotional aspect of the lifestyle. Through an negotiated exchange of power. One person is the controlling partner. Dominant (Dom-male Domme-female) and one person is the submissive/slave. (DungeonRealm)
S&M
Stands for Sadomasochism or Sadism masochism. This is generally the category most people associate these types of relationships with. Which in fact is but one aspect of the lifestyle. Sadism is when a person derives pleasure and/or sexual stimulation from the inducement of pain or discomfort to another. This term was derived from Marquis De Sade who's writings described sadistic fantasies. Masochism conversely is when a person derives pleasure and/or sexual stimulation from discomfort or pain. and is derived from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (author of Venus in Furs and many other novels) whose flogging descriptions and fantasies spawned the term "masochism." (DungeonRealm)
SSC
Safe , sane and consensual. this is the basic foundation of a power exchange relationship. SAFETY is a prime consideration and responsibility for both the Dominant and submissive partner. BDSM can be dangerous some BDSM activities/scenes are more so than others which is why it is always imperative that safe practices are adhered to. When in doubt, research...ask questions...never, ever take chances with safety. Remember, there are times when you are actually taking someone's life in your hands. This is not limited to physical safety but emotional as well. There may be times when your play crosses upon a repressed memory or a hidden fear and it suddenly brought to light. Stop the activity immediately and take time to evaluate the situation. SANELY practice BDSM play. This can also be considered staying within the context of the law .Don't engage in play where the increased likelihood of injury or Death may result. Consensual - a cornerstone of these relationships. Everything should be negotiated and agreed upon before entering into play. (DungeonRealm)
Bottom
The submissive or slave. The one at the receiving end, or recipient of stimulation in a scene/activity, sexually. Can refer to one to as a bottom when "sumbitting" for purely sexual gratification, or to define the typical role they play in the relationship.
Top
The dominant - see bottom. This term can be used just in relation to the scene itself and doesn't need to imply anything about the participants' regular practice. However, it is also quite typically used to describe their regular "role".
Switch
Someone who switches between being a Top and Bottom. This may be from scene to scene, or it may relate to a dominant who is also a masochist and, at times, prefers to be at the receiving end.
24/7
24/7 – refers to those who live, practice BDSM (whatever their kink) on a regular daily basis, and/or in a long-term, commited relationship. For example, I live with my dominant partner – we are in a 24/7 relationship. And, the boundaries of our relationship are defined within a D/s model.
Real-life, Real-time(r/l, r/t)
Face-to-face "real life" situations versus online or phone. Many do not consider these types of relationships as “real” however; many of those people involved will strongly dispute that notion. I believe that whatever your kink, it’s what you make of it.
Total Power Exchange(TPE)
Total power exchange is just that – a complete exchange of power from the submissive/slave to their dominant. TPE gives the dominant absolute power and control over every aspect of the submissive’s life. In a TPE relationship the submissive/slave is typically viewed as property – the property of his/her dominant. The submissive gives up all right to make even basic decisions on his/her own. However, being submissive/slave does not allow a person to give up their legal and moral responsibility for their own actions it is understood between the dominant and submissive/slave that they may only be released, or withdraw their consent to TPE under very special circumstances.
Those who claim to practice TPE typically do so on a 24/7 basis – hence the confusion of these two terms. TPE is another source of much discussion for those in the BDSM lifestyle. Often times, TPE and BDSM are used to mean the same thing - they don't!
Erotic Power Exchange(EPE)
Erotic power exchange is used by some as a synomn for BDSM. This term refers to relatiohsips where the partners, actively and willfully incorporate the power exchange element into their sexual activities - lovemaking.
BDSM Emblem
The three divisions represent the various threesomes of BDSM. First of all, the three divisions of BDSM itself: B&D, D&S, and S&M. Secondly, the three-way creed of BDSM behavior: Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Thirdly, the three divisions of our community: Tops, Bottoms, and Switches.
It is this third symbolism that gives meaning to the holes in each unit. Since BDSM is at the very least a play style and at its greatest a love style, the holes represent the incompleteness of any individual within the BDSM context. However "together" and "whole" individuals may be, there remains a void within them that can only be filled by a complimentary other. BDSM cannot be done alone.
The resemblance to a three-way variation on the Yin-Yang symbol is not accidental. As the curved outline of Yin and Yang represent the hazy border between where one ends and the other begins, so do the curved borders here represent the indistinct divisions between B&D, D&S, and S&M. (The BDSM Emblem Project)
Collaring
Collaring is the term commonly used by those of this lifestyle to describe the commitment of a submissive/ slave to a Dominant/Master and vice versa. It is an outward symbol of that relationship. To those in the lifestyle, the collaring carries with it the same weight as a wedding band, and implies the same depth of commitment between the parties. Having said that, it is generally acknowledged that a marriage can be disolved by either party. Whereas, traditionally it is held that a submissive/slave must be "released" from their collar by their dominant. Realistically however, the submissive/slave is a human being with the same rights as all other humans - should the relationship be harmful, or totally dysfunctional they can always leave. There are typically three types, or levels, of collaring; the collar of consideration, the training collar and the formal collar or slave collar.
Contracts
Many couples entering into a "formal" D/s relationship find it useful to have a written contract; to define what the expectations are, and what is expected, of each party, and to help give direction to the relationship. It also helps to create and/or strengthen the bond between Dom/sub or Master/slave and the contract signing itself can serve as a "ceremonial start" to the relationship.(Vixen's)
Limits
What is a limit? A limit is simply something a person is not willing to do – be they dominant or submissive. We often refer to “hard” and “soft” limits. One person’s favourite kink, or activity may be another person’s most hated. Limits are as individual as people are. Hard limits imply these will never be attempted for most people and are explicitly spelled out in their contract. Soft limits are those that can be explored, challenged and pushed. It may refer to something one has never tried but might consider trying in the future with a person they respect and trust. Limits may be explored or pushed but they must always be respected.
Submissive or Slave?
This question has been asked, answered, asked again, answered... There are many different views on what the difference is, if there is one. I contend that submission is voluntary - whereas slavery is not. It is generally accepted that a submissive negotiates his/her rights, privileges and limits at the outset of the relationship, as does the slave. However, the slave typically may not change their limits, rights, privileges once negotiated. Some say that a slave submits at a deeper level, they place a greater trust in their dominant and follow his/her lead without question. However, I also believe that the answer lies within you. Only you can decide if you are a slave or submissive. To read more, see "A Slave's Love...Submissive vs Slave, by Mistress Steel"
SAM (sammy)
A submissive who deliberately rebels or misbehaves - a smartass.
OTK (Over the knees)
Sensual spanking or those who enjoy sensual spanking.
Obedience
Obedience in a BDSM relationship must be consensual in this basic sense: 1) Whatever fantasy is in play, the submissive cannot truly be property; 2) the services he/she performs are consensual and voluntary; and 3) any punishments he/she incurs likewise. These may be a good few notches sharper than he/she can easily take but, in the nature of such a relationship, they cannot be harsher than he/she can willingly take. If they were, he/she would use his/her safe word and, at the limit, he/she would walk. Essentially, they are reminders that he/she has erred, and should be more careful next time. Consensuality in this sense must be part of any BDSM relationship that is legally and morally acceptable. Without this kind of consensuality, we are speaking of exploitation and abuse, not of legitimate BDSM.
With this understanding, It remains for Dom(me) and sub to negotiate to what extent and in what detail the submissive partner's life will be controlled. At one extreme is the so-called total power exchange (TPE) relationship, with its ideal of complete dependency and obedience on one side, matched by total responsibility on the other. At the other extreme is what sasha calls "consensual obedience" (sasha’s site), in which it is understood that the sub has a life, interests, opinions and wishes of his/her own, but has promised to put those of the Dom(me) first. In return, the Dom(me)promises to consult with the sub and then decide in both their interests, and in the interest of their relationship.
Punishment
It is no small thing, the right to punish. It includes the right to judge, to say this is acceptable and this is not, and also the right, and the ability, to modify behaviour. When you give somebody the right to punish you, you give him or her the right to change how you think. (Frank)
The dominant and submissive, typically, agree early on in the relationship on what may be considered as “correct” or “incorrect” behaviours, or actions. Should incorrect behaviour arise, it is the dominant’s responsibility to punish the submissive. A dominant should neither “under-punish” nor “over-punish”. With the power to punish, comes a significant responsibility.
CBT (Cock/Ball Torture or Training)
Inflicting pain or humiliation on a male submissive by striking the genitals (by hand or with a flogger, paddle, etc.), or enclosing them in rings, cages, or attaching weights, clamps, or other objects.
Gorean (Gor)
Gor is a fictional world based on the novels of John Norman. It is a series of 25 books. A Gorean (Gor) refers to those who follow the beliefs and preaching of the novels. The Gorean society is made up of "castes" - high castes and lower castes. These castes define who you are in Gor. The most common and noticeable relationship on Gor is that of Master and slave (or kajira). There are many practices and traditions of the Gorean novels that are adopted by slaves/submissives. Be that in an online or real life situation. Many of these traditions, such as the Nadu Kneel, or various slave dances are quite beautiful and enhance or add to the scene or situation.
Do people really live as a Gorean slave?
This question has been asked by many, many people. I don't know - is my simple answer. In my opinion, I don't think one can truly live that way - many sites will refer to a Gorean slave as nothing more than a piece of furniture, or no better than an animal.
And I quote:
"What it is to be slave : in the eyes of goreans, the slave is an animal. She is not a person, but an animal. She has no name, saving what her master might choose to call her. She is without caste. She is without citzenship. She is simply an object, to be bartered, or bought or sold. She is simply an article of property, completely, nothing more - Hunters of Gor pg 168"
So, to answer the question....I don't know.
Safe Word
A Safe-word may also be called a Stop-word. It may be a single word or group of words that are agreed upon before commencing the scene that will stop or alter the direction of the scene. For example, Red stops the scene, while Yellow may alter or slow down the scene. You may choose to use a signal, like dropping scarf, if you're gagged during the scene. It is a safety device and a way of ensuring continued consent, throughout the scene. When the submissive/slave safe-words or signals it means an immediate stop or change of direction. Whether the dominant wishes to continue the scene or not, the submissive's use of a safeword must be honoured, in my opinion, or the trust is broken.
Thank You and Credits
Thank you Toran, Sir, for your help and input on this page. Thank you to all those who have published web sites where one can gather all this wonderful information.
