Jason's Page

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My Little One

Just a few weeks ago I found out there was a little life forming inside of me, a baby. Made out of love and just as quick as I found out you were there, you were gone, taken from me, no heart beat any longer just not there. The heartbeat was gone; so why do I cry so much for you? You were a hope for me, a chance to be a mom again, a part of me and daddy, you were a chance for me to be needed again.

I have no idea why and will never understand why you weren’t meant to be but for a life time and more I’ll miss you and right now I wish I could hold and cuddle you. I wish I could feel your baby breath on my neck as you cuddle close. That is something I’ll never know with you. You are my little one, you’re my tiny little angel sent from God for only short time, now you are his little angel once again.

I know in my heart something must have been wrong and God needed to make you perfect, he knew somehow his little creation needed some more work. It will not make losing my little one any easier, for my tummy feels bare and my arms and heart are vacant, like a mommy bird I feel I have an empty nest without you there now. Emptiness I can’t seem to fill in again.

My little one is gone the dream of holding you completely leveled to the bottom of my soul. My little one I only hold you now in my mind and in my lonesome dreams at night. Losing you my little one meant I lose something more, my dreams, my hopes, my world all are once again destroyed but somehow I know with you and Anna up there I am going to survive and smile a little when I dream of you.

A.M. (Mommy)
10-10-02

Copyright © 2002

In the short time I carried you in my belly Jason, you brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart.

I will miss you forever my beautiful angel boy!

Mommy

One in three pregnancies end in a miscarriage, bringing heartache, empty arms and a general sense of feeling lost and dazed. The overwhelming emotional aspect of a miscarriage is enough to leave any mother feeling hopeless.

These are our lost children, the ones no one can talk about because they are afraid of “hurting” the mother. These are our children, don’t be afraid to talk about them with us. We maybe hurting and crying and dying on the inside but what we need the most is a loving shoulder and someone to cry with us. There is a saying and I am not sure who the author of this saying is but it is one of my favorites…”Don’t be afraid to say my child’s name, it may bring tears to my eyes but it is music to my heart.” ~~author unknown~~

Here is Jason’s and my journey on his way to becoming an angel.

Jason's Journey

In March, after Anna passed away I made a move to Georgia to help my surviving daughter, Angela survive. I met a wonderful man once I got to Georgia. He helped to put a smile on face again and taught me how to love again, not an easy task after losing the love of my life.

At the end of June he left to help his surviving son cope with issues many teens face today. In July I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared about the pregnancy. Once I confirmed the pregnancy I called the baby’s daddy and told him. He was excited and scared as well. Once I accepted the fact I was pregnant I was excited about having another child in my home. I looked at Jason as my hope, a beacon of light at the end of a dark and dreary tunnel. But that light too would soon be extinguished and my hopes and heart crushed again.

At the end of July I went for an ultrasound and as I looked at the monitor I knew I didn’t see a heartbeat but I thought well maybe I just calculated wrong. I wasn’t as far as long as I thought. I waited and watched as the technician continued to measure the sac, she measured and measured for what seemed an eternity. When she finished and told me to get dressed, she put me in a room and when the midwife came in so did 2 others, I knew then I was facing a nightmare. The only words I remember hearing was “no heartbeat” and apparently the baby died in utero some time before. My world once again crashed.

I was given the option to wait and let my body expel the baby naturally or go through with a D&C. I scheduled the surgery but wanted to wait a week. In that week I went for a second opinion and another ultrasound. I received the same information yet again, “no heartbeat,” I was devastated. My hopes extinguished right there.

On August 5, 2002 I went in for the D&C, alone and scared. The baby’s daddy opted to not come home. Once the procedure was completed and I was in recovery the nurse came in and I just started crying. I could not believe that a life that was there was now gone, in the blink of an eye. I remember them sending me home and telling me to be glad I wasn’t any further along. I was furious. That was my baby, my angel how dare them to tell me to be glad. He was gone and nothing would bring him back. Jason Seth Martin-Harmon fell asleep in Jesus’ arms on August 5, 2002.

My Angel Baby

Have you ever wondered when a baby dies, where it goes to live? Have you ever wondered when a baby in the womb dies what happens? Have you wondered when a baby dies who holds it tightly and loves it?

When a baby dies it goes to heaven in the loving arms of God and Jesus. I cry tears of sorrow and of my loss, however, just knowing that you, my baby, are in the arms of angels and cuddled in the warmth of their love brings some comfort.

We never got to meet or say hello to one another nor did I get to hold you in my arms and love you and I will miss that for the rest of my life. I know you are in a better place and you will be happy and peaceful.

I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry I could not bring you into the world to live with us. I want you to know little angel you were loved from the day I knew I was pregnant with you and I’ll cry for you daily.

My heart died a little with you and my soul will forever bleed for you. Just knowing that I’ll never hold you close to my breast or count your fingers and toes one by one makes it enough to feel enough sorrow for a lifetime and more.

I will always wonder if you were going to be a girl or a boy, if you would have brown hair and eyes like your daddy or like me, your mommy. I will never know your laughter or cry, I’ll only know now I have a baby angel above me, watching.

I never wanted you to go away, I wanted you to stay and be my baby but God said “No” and called you back baby to be with him some more to play in his garden and bring laughter and joy to his courtyard, God has you in his arms now.

Although we never got the chance to fall in love with each other and touch for the first time or set eyes on one another for even a short period of time, I will love you and miss you for the rest of my life.

Click on the plaque to view Jason's quilt square on the Spreading Smiles's Sleeping Angels Memory Quilt

Plaque lovingly created by Rosemary at God Hears You. Thank you Rosemary.