Deep Thoughts With Matt Perky

When I got home late from work it was dark, assuming the family was asleep I didn't ring the door bell. I slid my key into the knob and noticed that it no longer worked, the locks had been changed. "Damn," I thought. My wife had taken it too far this time. So I worked my way to the side of the house in a "sleek" like fashion and opened the window to our living room. I slid in and noticed that we in fact had new furniture, and everything had been re-arranged, there were even different pictures in place of our old pictures. I then walked down the hall to my room. When I opened the door I heard the pumping of an oxygen tank and saw some old lady in my wife's spot. "Shit," I thought, "I must have entered some kind of time warp or somthing." And I've been in this "warp" ever since.

The old man's face looked like it had seen many a day, wrinkles ran along his cheeks and down his neck. His skin was worn, like leather. Then a bird shit on his face, this just made him look more old and worn, like the old man that he was.

A good angle to approach any problem is the try-angle.

You know what would be funny? A guy comes home from a hard day at work and he goes to turn on his street, but there is a traffic jam of like a lot of cars on his street, in the middle of his neighborhood! He gets really pissed off, cause the traffic isn't moving. So he gets out to check out what the problem is. And do you know what he sees inside each car? SKELETONS!

I haven't emptied my trash can for months. It has now filled and trash has flowed out onto the floor. I have developed a sort of "trash corner" where I just throw my trash in the general direction of the other trash in the corner.

Whenever I get out of the shower, I leave the curtan in the "open" position. I have my reasons. One does not know of the dangers that lurk behind the shower curtain. You may say "But there is nothing but thin air behind the shower curtain," and that is exactly what the werewolves want you to think.

bacon and eggs: a daily job for the chicken... a lifetime investment for the pig.

Just because i have a short attention span doesn't mean that I....

Sometimes when I can't fall asleep at night, I read a book, other times I take a thumbtack and see how many times I can stab myself with it before it starts to hurt.

Have you ever been eating lunch at a restaurant, and you see someone wearing a plad orange and green shirt, with blue slacks, and brown shoes, or black shoes that are brand new, and make that irritating squeaking noise as they walk across the tile floor, and you just want to make that noise stop, so you do, by killing them.

At a point in my life I thought it would be really funny to release a herd of cattle on an interstate highway to see what happened, but now, I realize that that would just be immature.

Sometimes on the weekends when I'm bored, I'll stand on an overpass, and drop what some people might call boulders into on-coming traffic.

If I were a physician, I think it might be good entertainment while performing surgery, to just start cutting things, and see what happens.

One time I was enjoying a walk through the park, when I saw a duck flying through the sky, it was beautiful, then a hunter shot it down.

My dad says that sometimes, at night, if your really quiet, you can hear people in Australia talking, I've never tried this, but I bet it's true.

I bet that if animals could talk, the word they would use the most often would be "don't."

When I was a child, someone threw a baseball through my bedroom window in the middle of the night. My dad told me that Babe Ruth did it, and from that night on until one fateful day in high school, I told everyone that I knew that Babe Ruth had thrown a baseball through my bedroom window, just for me to have. Then, I found out that it wasn't true, and all the kids made fun of me. Thanks a lot dad!

Man, can you imagine if pigs could fly, man, they would pee everywhere!

God made the birds and the bees, but why did God make leeches?

One time, when I was six, I had my first sleep over. The friend I had over was Mike, Mike wet the bed. After that Mike never came over again.

I think instead of canned tuna, they should have bagged tuna, 'cause man, it just makes more sense.

I was walking in the mall and I said to this guy "Hey man how are you doing?" he gave me a puzzled look, then I realized I didn't know him.

When I grow up, I'm going to invent a toilet bowl launcher, because then you couldn't just toilet paper someone's house, but you could toilet bowl it too.

I don't recommend wearing diapers everywhere you go because then people might think that you poop your pants.

A good thing would be if you saw a trolley riding down the street, and it pulled over and the driver said "Hey, want a free ride?" and you would be like "Yeah I do want a free ride" the only part that would kinda be tricky would be that you wouldn't have anywhere to put your car. So then you couldn't get your free ride on the trolley. Man, that would just plain make me mad.

It's usually bad if a little girl walks up to her mommy and starts pointing at you and says "Yes mommy that's the bad man" most of the time I just say "Who me?" and after that, the beating starts.

I was thinking while laying in my bed, doctors say that different things aren't healthy for your body, yet, these things that aren't healthy for your body, feel good. For instance, according to most physicians it is unhealthy to eat seven bowls of pasta, then take a two-hour nap. But why? I usually feel pretty good after I do that.

If I ever had a million or so dollars, what I would really like to do is just buy a big fully stocked grocery store and have a big food fight, that would be great!

You know what, spinach is a pretty good food. Except for when it's sautéed, or when it's canned. I don't really like it in salads either. Never mind, I don't like spinach.

What if your name was Jonah? I bet a lot of people would make fun of you, just because of your name. I'm not really sure why...but isn't that crazy?

I bet it would be kind of weird to get your house turned upside down from a tornado. But the good part about that is, you can call a friend up on the phone and say, "Dude, my house got turned upside down by a tornado!"

I think it would be funny if one day the president was just like "Hey, nuke Nebraska." Because then maybe we could finally get some use out of those weapons. I mean besides, nobody likes Nebraska, they beat everyone in football.

I find it extremely offensive if someone is smarter than me, it makes me mad. This explains why I am always so upset.

If someone ever tries to argue with you, just tell them that you know everything. It always works, because then they can't argue with you, because, you know everything.

I really like to go out into nature, where nobody is. Because, the best thing about it is, since nobody is around, you can yell and yell, and nobody cares, because nobody is there. So, do you get it now?

About once a week at night I wonder, why I breathe out of my mouth, then I start to think, what if I didn't have a mouth because then I couldn't breathe at all, but then I remember that I have a nose.

One time when I was driving my car, I hit a deer. I got out and realized that it was still alive. Rather than letting it suffer, I decapitated it.

One time the trash man emptied my trash, then threw my trash can onto my lawn. I picked it up, threw it at his truck, then said "See how it feels!"

When I was a kid, I told my grandpa that I thought it would be pretty funny to see a kangaroo poop its pants. But then my grandpa told me that that couldn't happen because kangaroos don't wear pants.

If I were ever an umpire I think it would be fun to instead of saying "Strike", for strike, to say "oink" for it, and instead of saying "Ball", for ball, say "wall" because I'm fure that would make the game a whole lot more fun for everyone and, c'mon these days it's all about the kids.

I think it would be a kinda funny joke if God decided some day to make the foul poles at a baseball game disappear, I wonder what people would do.

If you shit your pants, it's going to smell.

I bet if you went to a Barbour shop and you said, "shave a little off the top" they would probably think that you meant your hair, but they would be wrong.

I bet that sticking your finger in a light socket will give you more of a high than any drug on the market, but I'll let you test that out.

You know someone who has more than two-million dollars or so, how you call them a "multi-millionaire", well what if you know someone with more than two-hundred-thousand dollars, I mean, what do you call them? A "multi-hundred-thousand-dollionaire?"

I bet a thing that sucks is, when you go to the golf course and as soon as you get out of your car, a golf ball hits you in the face.

Today I shot a crow perched in a tree in the forest behind my back yard. I listened to its massive body break the peaceful silence, as I heard branches snap as it fell. Then, I heard a loud "thud" as it's body reached the ground. It tried to fly away, but it couldn't because its wings didn't work anymore. Good times, good times.

Have you ever seen one of those TV shows where they are cops that solve murders and stuff? Well you know how some of the cereal killers that leave clues behind on purpose, you know, to kinda mess with the cops' head? Well, if I was ever a cereal killer, the clues that I would leave behind would be, at the first murder, a baby carrot, at the second murder, a mozzarella stick, and at the third, I would leave a Sony portable CD player. I wouldn?t commit a fourth murder, because that's the part that really gets the cops going, because, they will have no clue how where to go from there.

I saw this kid one time, and I said "Hey," then he said "Hey" back. The conversation ended there.

When I was a kid, I thought that the only reason people went to baseball games was to catch the foul balls. Later on in life, I found out that I was wrong, from there, I learned these things called rules, I didn't understand rules.

You know those people who do the census? The people that count the population of a city. Well, I have a question. How can they be so sure that they are so accurate. What if they are off by one or two people, then what happens? Plus, I mean they just go around counting people all day? Man, I wish I had that much free time.

When I was out on my porch one time, I looked at the grass in my lawn and thought?you know what, if I had a dollar for every blade of grass growing in my yard I would be a rich man. Then I thought, no, what if I had a hundred dollars for every blade of grass, then I would surely have a lot of money! Then I started thinking, what if I had a million dollars for every blade of grass, and I kept thinking and thinking, until I realized that for every number there is, you can always add one more number. Jeeze! What's up with that?

You know what the best thing about a canoe is? The very best part is that you can put really big rocks inside it, then when you see a turtle or something on a log, you can throw rocks at it, and knock the turtle off the log.

Ashley told me that if you stare at the ceiling long enough it looks like it's moving, I told Ashley that she was on drugs.

I don't think that the worst type of torture is dripping water, but dripping hot sauce on the person's forehead, 'cause then it's not just annoying, but it also burns like crap!

What has this world come to? Is it so bad that even the mice have to die?

Many animal activists want better treatment for fish? "Do you really have to use a hook to catch them?" they say, "Isn't there any other way?" they ask. But here is my question, Why wail on about how hooks hurt them? Doesn't it hurt them more when you chop their heads off when you clean them? Also, no, there is no other way.

If the apes do ever really take over this planet like they say they will, I sure hope that they don't eat all the bananas because I want some too.

I bet that whenever Indians would see a meteor hit the ground they would be really confused then they would throw a big party because they really wouldn't have a clue what was happening. I also bet that they used that peace pipe a whole lot because they were real depressed that they had no clue what was happening.

I bet that the thing that best represents mankind is the chair because we sure do use them a lot, and I think that the chair is very important to mankind. Plus, it also has arms and legs just like humans.

In my school they won?t let us wear hats, I wonder why. I bet that it is just because the teachers' boss wouldn't let them wear hats so they have to make us suffer too. I think we should have the right to wear hats in school. Aw what the heck, lets have a war.

I never did think that I would have to do it, but now I realize that sometimes mowing the lawn just has to be done. I think that I have come a long way now, and that makes me feel good inside.

When the acorn fell on the lawn I knew that the old man was up there. He was throwing them at me. Stop old man, stop! He didn't, they just kept falling. Then the old man jumped down from the tree and I saw his gray body along with the his wooshy tail. Then I came to the realization that it was not an old man at all, but only a turtle.

Although I was in the out-house, I still wasn't safe from the worms. They were coming, and coming fast. I couldn't stand the thought that it was going to happen, the worms were in the ground, and they might eat me!

If peas are green and round then I guess the opposite of a pea would be the secret vegitable, the carrot. The carrot is not green, but orange, which is a warm color, not a cold color. Also, a carrot is not round it is, well, it is another shape besides a round shape.

Whenever the windows in my house get shot out, I like it because then I get brand new windows each week, and I don't even have to pay for it! It's called insurance buddy! Ha, take that!

I really like to fish, with dynamite that is!

When I take my morning walk and all of the sudden houses just start blowing up, I don't blame myself, after all, they are only houses, just material possessions, just as long as the people inside those houses are alright.

Some day I hope someone builds a big bridge all the way around the world because that way people who can't afford to travel by air can travel by car.

If the people of India want food, then how about they stop feeding those stupid rats, they may think that they are reincarnated ancestors, I mean C'MON INDIA!

Amanda told me that she wanted to have some nice raunchy sex with her girlfriend and video tape it..."I'll go get the camera" I thought, but then I got to thinking and contemplated whether it was right to video tape it, because sex is such a sacred thing.