so people i know
Mood:  party time!
Topic: friends and life
so i was just thinking that there is going to be the most best thing to happen to me and my friends in just about a month,....the party that we are going to throw is going to be the best,...

so, the things we learn
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: jake johnson
Topic: relationships
so i like roberto and he likes me and this morning he asked me to go out with him,...it was like 2 hours ago,...i was so happy and i know that it took him a while to ask because of the things that have happened to him, like he had a lot of things to do at home and there was some family things happening and all, and i told myself that he was going to asks me out when he was ready and i didnt really think that he was going to ask me really soon, but he did. and i am so happy. so i dont know,...but then there were things with james and matt, they are moving out here in a couple of months. to the same city,..or at least that is what matt says,...but james dosnt know about it yet,...so i dont know, james says that he still loves me and all and i dont know what to say about it,.. there are still some feelings that i have about him,...but i dont know if they are real or if they are just some lust thing that i am not over,....who knows,....but im with roberto now,..so i wont let that mess this up,....

everything
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: what ever is on in my AC lab
i dont know, everything seems to be going down hill, even before me and James broke up there wasnt that much for me to say was going good, school os good, but this project that we had to do in English, that was really hard for me cos we had to think about a time that we were we can write a journal entry on. and make a map of the neigbourhood and all and i didnt like it, cos i was thinking about Eric and that was one of the people that i didnt want to think about. he was always there for me and he was kool and we all got along,....but when he would do his drugs that is when everything would go to pieces. he would beat my mom and he was just so out of control. and that was all he needed to do was to stop the drugs and just be with us,...but he couldnt there was something really wrong with him. and i dont really like my real dad and he does pot and all and i was over there this weekend and he was smoking it around me and when i went home, it was still all over me, even after i took 3 showers and and everything....and i havent been to the doctors for 6 months and i was suppost to go back the week after my appointment and all , but then things started to happen with steve so all the doctors visites were used for him and only him, my mom went once nad when i want to go to see what is wrong with me, i have to waite another month,....i dont understand that,...she would rather save the life of her husband then her own child,...what if i died in my sleep because there was sum thing wrong with me and they didnt know cos i didnt go to the drs????i bet that she would feel bad then,.....

everything
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: what ever is on in my AC lab
Topic: homelife
i dont know, everything seems to be going down hill, even before me and James broke up there wasnt that much for me to say was going good, school os good, but this project that we had to do in English, that was really hard for me cos we had to think about a time that we were we can write a journal entry on. and make a map of the neigbourhood and all and i didnt like it, cos i was thinking about Eric and that was one of the people that i didnt want to think about. he was always there for me and he was kool and we all got along,....but when he would do his drugs that is when everything would go to pieces. he would beat my mom and he was just so out of control. and that was all he needed to do was to stop the drugs and just be with us,...but he couldnt there was something really wrong with him. and i dont really like my real dad and he does pot and all and i was over there this weekend and he was smoking it around me and when i went home, it was still all over me, even after i took 3 showers and and everything....and i havent been to the doctors for 6 months and i was suppost to go back the week after my appointment and all , but then things started to happen with steve so all the doctors visites were used for him and only him, my mom went once nad when i want to go to see what is wrong with me, i have to waite another month,....i dont understand that,...she would rather save the life of her husband then her own child,...what if i died in my sleep because there was sum thing wrong with me and they didnt know cos i didnt go to the drs????i bet that she would feel bad then,.....

only place
Mood:  chatty
okay so this is the only place that i can talk and not have to worry about my boyfriend or mom looking at it, i dunno what is going to happen between my and james,.....he could be bad....

only place
Mood:  chatty
okay so this is the only place that i can talk and not have to worry about my boyfriend or mom looking at it, i dunno what is going to happen between my and james,.....he could be bad....

Friends with benefits
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: NOFX
Topic: relationships
so yesterday i was haning out with chelley and jake and cody. we were at the park next to the mcdonalds, and we were just hanging out. there was not going to be anything really big that was going to happen,or at least not to me. so i was just chillin and then jake came over and we were talking. we had been talking about stuff eariler but nothing really stuck with me. we were just talking to be talking at that point. and i really still like jake and i know that he still likes me and he told me that yeasterday, more then once, and i told him and all. but the thing that really gets me is that there was not going to be anything between us anymore, or at least nothing in that way, cos of his family. but he had a way of getting around it, he wants to be friends with benefits, not like the sex, but the relationship part. and i didnt really answer him. but then he kissed me, and i let him, so in a way that was me saying yes, right? i mean, i let him kiss me more then once. so that was a yes, but then i dont want to get too invaled. but then i have. i fell for him again, and really hard this time.i dunno what to do, i mean i dont expect to get roses again or anything else and i am fine with that. but the emotional part of it is hard....i just dunno what to really do about him....

just one day at a time
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: "Don't Cry" Seal
Topic: relationships
so all the time that i have been friends with chelley, i always felt like i was the 2nd best, that in order to get to chelley, guys would go through me, so then i would pass on the word to her that they were all nice and good and that they would do anything. and so i played along, and never told chelley. cos i didnt want to hurt her. so i went along with it, and i even dated one of her ex's and so did maddie, and they were both bad boyfriends, but they are all nice when they want chelley, when they want to show her that they are good b/fs. then once they dont get her or get her and she breaks up with them, then they go back to their oldselves. and that bugs me. i have been there and had them act the way they always are and then they see her and they go crazy. even when i was going out with jake, it was hard cos deep down inside, i knew that he liked chelley. and it is hard. so it is like, well why do i even try to get a b/f or find someone that i can be close to and not have them like chelley. and then yesterday, neil and sean and one of their friends called me over and was talking to me at lunch. and i felt good! that they were going to talk to me and that they werent going to talk to chelley. personnally, i think that sean likes chelley. but the thing that got me was that, in the begining of the year, chelley tried to talk to neil, but she couldnt. and then she had me go up to him and tell him that she was sorry that everyone was bugging him and that she wanted to get to know him and that she wanted to talk to him but she wasnt going to go up to him, that he would have to go to her. and he said that he doesnt go to girls, that they have to come to him. and the fact that, well he didnt do it personnally, i was called over and talked to,...well it was great. even though guys like to use me to get to chelley, i am the one that see who they really are and i am the one who talks to them. so that was a plus,....but yeah i like neil, and chelley likes sean and if sean wants to go out with chelley, then he just needs to know that the relationship will not be that long....i know that i shouldnt be saying all this stuff about my best friend, but i cant tell anyone, and i dont care if she reads this, cos this is just me venting.

everything
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: what ever is on TBS
i've been thinking so much lately.not just about homelife, but also about what has happened this year. there were so many things that i want to take back and so many people i wish i never met. but then i think," well they were all there for a reason and everything that happened made me better." and then i dont know how i feel. like i get all depressed. and i hate it when i get like that. people dont see my emothions and so they dont ask, they dont know and when they do see my emotions, they think that there is really something bad, or wrong with me. like i have gone crazy or something. and i dont see why people just cant see why they dont understand that if you dont know me all that well, that i put up walls and hide my emotions. then when and if i get close to anyone, and i do show my emotions, its not as bad.... that was just one thing that was on my mind....

then why do people tell you things that you dont want to know? and why do they talk to you when you have clearly tried not to answer them or hang out with them? i dunno what i am writing about n e more...

there are just things that are getting to me and i am trying not to be like i was b4. and thats hard. so i guess that i blame stuff on other things.

i dont know what to write now, so i am going to stop....