When I first saw B...something came over me. I'm not sure what it was. I got goosebumps...and tears filled my eyes. I swear I had never seen such a beautiful human being...ever. I just had to make him mine. So I wanted to message him...but then I was like: *Maybe I shouldn't because I KNOW I'm not his type. He looks like the type that goes out with model chicks and that definitely ISN'T me.*
But...surprisingly when I got the balls to message him...he said I was beautiful.
That was crazy...that's when I came to the conclusion that there was no possible way that the guy I SAW and the guy I'm CHATTING with...could be the same person. Guys like him don't find girls like me attractive. But appearantly he did.
So we talked and talked and we started to like each other. I made the mistake of being his girlfriend way too soon though. I knew everything was too good to be true. As soon as I got to my aunt's house everything was starting to go wrong.
I held on though. A few months later I'm still trying to hold on and I find my heart being constantly broken. I'll never forget the time he told me he loved me though. I told him that I loved him too...at first I wasn't sure if I should have said that.
But then..after a while it wasn't so bad because I really felt it. What's strange is that...not only did I love him...but I was falling in love. It was crazy...I had never experienced it before.
The feeling was nice. It still is at times. It's good to that know that I haven't completely forgotten how to love after all the shit my ex's have put me through. If B and I make this...it's going to be a huge relief.
If we don't make it...well, I really don't think I'll trust anyone ever again. This time I'm serious.
I left him this loooong ass offline message on yahoo after he didn't pick up his phone. I was angry as hell. I tried not to cry. After I tried calling him a second time...I hung up and my mother called right after..at first I thought it was him calling me. But...in my heart I knew it wasn't.
I was hurt to the core.
Lasnite we tried to talk about everything that's been going down lately. He tried to explain but that wasn't good enough. I want to know everything. everything there is to know.
It's weird because when he commented on one of my journal entries once...it logged his IP address and the address said that he wasn't even in Richmond. That he was in Axton, Virginia. I think that's like the deep south or something. Quite frankly I don't care where he lives...as long as he lived in Va I guess. But I just think it's weird. When I asked him about it...he was like, * I don't know what that's about* He's famous for that answer.
I don't know...I don't want to come right out and say that he's lying to me because I have no proof. But I also have no that's he's...whoever. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to come right out and say : *Are you really some 50 yr old white dude? Or some 15 yr old white kid?* Something that like that you know?
he always gets cranky when I asked questions like that...I mean, I wouldn't have to ask those dumbass questions if he would just tell me everything that I wanna know and be straight about it.
sometimes I think I might be over analysing everything...but I just...I don't know. I just don't wanna get hurt. It's going to be so hard for me to pick up and move on after this if it doesn't work. I want this to work because I can't stand the thought of him loving anyone else other than me. And I swear on everything that I couldn't see myself loving someone else the way I love him.
It's so crzy. We talk about having babies and getting married. The thing is that I'm serious about it.
I really don't want to get hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore because I'm tired of the bad moods. It's so horrible because in my heart I KNOW that...things just. Look, I told him that I was going to leave it up to him.
I just get so sad though...whenever I think about his kids and him trying to be the best father that he can be. And I think about the pressure from his friends that he says he's getting. And some guy has a mark on his now...waiting to kill him. I just want to cry because I keep telling him that I'm going to be here by his side even though I know that there isn't much I can do.
And now...I'm telling him that we should be just friends. It just hurts...I don't want to let him go...but I know that I have to. Because he's not giving. I don't have anything to go on.
I want this to work so badly. He says he does too..sometimes I believe it..sometimes I don't. He says that I wouldn't understand...well...MAKE me understand. I want to KNOW EVERYTHING SO THAT I WONT HAVE TO BITCH AND MOAN TO HIM ANYMORE.
I remember a few days ago I kept saying...if it's not in God's Will..then it wont work...but I ALSO heard that if you let him in on all your plans...then you'll be successful...SO I'm confused.
I want him to be one that I'm with years from now. I want him to be the one that I walk down the aisle to. I want to be In bed and arguing over who's going to get up and feed the baby or some mushy crap like that.
And then he tells me...If something happens to me...promise me you'll love again?
What tha fuck am I supposed to say to that???
So I didn't promise him shit. Never make a promise you aren't going to keep.
Whatever it is that he has to do to get himself to gether...I hope he does it soon because this is getting ridiculous. I told him that when ever he's ready...we can do it again....see, this is what I mean...I keep giving him chance after chance...when I am going to get REALLY tired and just be like....fuck it??? WHEN?
I don't know...I hope he doesn't keep me waiting too long...because...I just might not be here.