Me??? A Bride??? Whooaaaaaa.....
I didn?t sleep very well lastnite. Come to think of it...I didn?t sleep at all. I went to bed after watching *That?s So Raven.* It was about 2am. That?s when B got offline. We had a very interesting convo. I think that was part of the reason I couldn?t sleep. I?m feeling the effects right now because I?m exhausted as hell.
He finally asked when it was going to happen. He didn?t exactly *Pop the question*....but he just asked when.
I was definitely caught off guard. I?m trying to gather my thoughts so I can make a decent entry but my mind is racing. So many questions...
I can?t even begin to tell you how happy I was when he brought it up. I have to be honest though, I was a bit skeptical at first. A little scared even. I?ve been thinking about this for about 3 months now I think. I know it was after we started talkin? for a bit. We always kinda hinted at it...played with the idea but never really talked about it.
It?s just so strange talking about marriage to someone you?ve never even really seen before. Although I?m very like...hyped about this...I?m also scared. I just don?t want to be hurt again. I?ve been let down so many times...I just don?t want it to happen again.
This is my dream we?re talking about here. A WEDDING! MY WEDDING?! I?ve been planning my perfect wedding ever since I was in my aunt?s wedding back in September of 99. Omg....I start crying just thinking about it. I?m such an idiot. It?s just that no one understands...marriage is like...the BIGGEST step next to having kids!
And then he started talking about how everything would look and how he envisioned it...so beautiful...I could see it so clearly it brought tears to my eyes. The whole wedding dress thing...I know exactly how I want my dress to look and what color. I could go into major detail but I don?t want to get too happy.
I asked when he wanted to do this...he said *ASAP* I?m like *damn you gotta deadline to meet???*
He says he just wants to be with me and no one else. God, that?s so sweet. I really hope that this is real and that he?s isn?t playing with me. I mean...I know he didn?t ask yet...I?d rather that he didn?t ask me yet until I see him. So....I guess this is all supposed to happen after I get back home from China.
Hopefully he?ll have his life together by then or he has taken care of whatever it is that he needs to take care of.
God...I couldn?t stop crying lastnite. I mean...so far he hasn?t really shown me that he?s serious but....if I get back from Beijing....and this is real...don?t you know I?ll be the happiest woman in this universe???
I mean...I could be marrying the man of my dreams. Me...Demetria Yvonne Parham....a Bride? A Wife? And later...a Mommy AND a Step mom? I don?t believe it...nothing that great ever happens to me. I always get screwed over some how.
He?s everything I could ask for. I always ask for this to be real. Because so far it doesn?t seem like it. I mean...I look bad on all the other girls he tells me about that just didn?t seem to make it...and I keep asking myself...how I do it?s not going to be any different with me? What makes me think that I?m not going to be just another girl?
I?m trying to keep my faith. But be honest with me people...how often is it that people run into that person that they?re looking for exactly and everything is just....perfect. I mean....no, things have been far from perfect with us. But we?re still together....
But maybe...maybe I?ll be rewarded for all the pain I?ve been through?
You know...I promised myself that I wasn?t going to get too hyped about this but I couldn?t help it. NO, I didn?t tell anyone yet. I?m not saying shit until I know for a fact this is real. But I got so hyped that I went to ummm....www.brides.com *Blushing* Yeah....it?s that serious.
Yes...I was looking at gowns because that?s how much of idiot am I. Trust. No one wants this more than me. No one. And then I just had to listen to these 2 songs while I was at it....
*We Must Be In Love* -Pure Soul. I truly love this song. I always cry when I hear...just imagine...
I mean...I close my eyes and I see my whole life...with B of course...just...float by? I don?t know.
*He Proposed*- By Kelly Price.
I?m such an idiot.
Please let this be real. I don?t want to be with anyone else but him. I really can?t imagine being happy with someone else. So many people to chose from and I don?t want any of them. Because there?s no one like my Brandon. I can?t wait to have babies by this man. Do you have any idea how beautiful they?d be???
Ronda warned me about this though... Something about...*you?ll get pulled in and then he?ll hurt you. None of this is real. he isn?t real.* So I?m like...*what would be the purpose of him bringing me this far? Telling me he loves me. All the things he says? * She said that it happened to her once...and that the dude never gave her any explanation as to why he did it. She says *he obviously doesn?t respect you as a person or a woman if he keeps letting you down...it doesn?t matter if he says he loves you...they?re just words.* But, what does he have to gain from hurting me??? I mean...no one is this world is that evil...
I don?t know...sometimes I think she might be right. I know one thing though....this is gonna hurt like a bitch if when I get home...I find out that....1) someone has taken my place. 2) he hasn?t done what he?s supposed to do 3) well...do I really have to go on???
I don?t know...what makes it worse is that...for some...I just can?t let him go. He?s someone that...
OMG...Omg omg omg...I just realized something...
That?s it...
I once heard from someone....
that there?s a way....for you to be able to tell if you?re really in love with someone....I mean REALLY in love...
you know...so in love that you are willing to take this huge plunge....
just ask yourself....and be honest....

Can you see yourself living without this him/her?

No. No, I can not see it.


Damn...damn...damn...

I keep swearing to myself that I?m NOT going to let anyone in anymore.
No more I love you?s.....
God...

How do I know if he...this whole thing is real....


I?m an idiot.

If this isn?t real...and this is some...joke or whatever...or he?s just messing around...and he?s not who he says he is....and he knows that this will never be....

then he should at least have the decency to...say something.

right?