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~It Was All A Dream~
Sunday, 13 July 2003
I'm reposting this...
this entry is something from my livejournal that i wrote in it's a tad old. But I had to read it over again.

i was cruising thru some of the communities that this one girl belonged to on
i forget her name...i came across her name because i was looking up ppl who were interested in plus size modeling...when i looked at her user info...i found thar she belonged to a community called *our_bruises* i decided to take a look at the community. i read the stories of girls who were being beat on by loved ones. as i read some of those entries, i felt blessed that i was never battered as a child. i also feel blessed that leon wasn't violent towards me. leon's mother used to beat on him...i remember when he first told me that, something tore through my heart...cut me...made me cry inside. i couldn't understand why a mother would beat on her child...or anyone for that matter.

later i entered a community on livejournal about girls who were raped or sexually abused...i was trying to muster up the courage to write about it. to be just like every girl in that community. to join that community. but, i couldn't. i wasn't ready....i mean, i'm ready now...i guess.
those girls have been through a me...the only difference between me and those girls is that...i pretend like it never happened. sometimes, i can go days...even months without thinking about it...without feeling bad...without letting it out. but then...but then i'm reminded that i'm playing the *naughty know-it-all* *the unvirgin* and that's when i have to act like the person that ppl think am i.

when ppl meet me...they automatically assume i'm not a virgin...i guess it's the way i act. but let me tell you something, in all honesty...virgins can be freaky too. i don't want to call out any names, but someone i met in china over the summer last year ... she just assumed that i was not a virgin. when i told her i was, she thought i was i went along with it...because this was my chance to re-invent myself. this was a chance for me to...escape my past and act like nothing had happened. so i told her i lost my virginity to a boyfriend of mine when i was 17. then she told me she was still a virgin and i couldn't believe it.

but before i go on. i'd like to share something that happened to me about an hour and something ago...
as i began to write this write about what happened to me when i was younger...i began to cry...i cried because of the pain, because of the confusion i felt, the betrayal, the guilt. i've always told my friends that i was only *molested* but that was putting it mildly.
so, i put my head down on my desk and cried my heart out...cried like, i've never done before. cried because of the lies that formulated around my past. i prayed to God to take the pain take the memories lift it from me. i felt as if my body were under going a massive change. i remembered a story that i read...a story about the blood of Christ being able to wash away all pain, all sin, all burdens. and this is what i needed.
to wash away the pain. so i cried...and then when i blew my nose...i opened my eyes to find blood in the tissue. i started to cry even harder...i was scared. i wanted to call someone...leon...someone. but there was no one around...i couldn't go to my hall mates. so i stuck it out...freaked out...then i felt myself go very weak.

i kept asking God to make it stop. i questioned why did it have to happen to me? someone so dear to me...and then some one who i barely knew. someone that i still have to look in the face every now and then. I still remember who sat and watched as some little kid was trying to penetrate me. i was so little. had i lost my virginity??? no. but....sadly...there were many other times after that. had i lost my virginity??? i still don't know. i can't remember.
so i made up a fantasy in my mind. i told ppl i had lost my virginity to my boyfriend kobe my junior year...please, we never got around to having sex. he was so ready. i thought i was...but i really wasn't. i don't know. i'm glad i didn't lose my virginity to him. kobe. but then there's the confusion was i a true virgin....did i have the right to call myself that...even before i gave it to leon when i was at HU?

so yes, as i was saying, i felt weak earlier tonite, my nose started to bleed...i was scared for my life...i thought maybe i was dying? was God punishing me? no. because none of this was my fault. i was little. but, there's always that guilt that girls have after they've been raped or sexually abused. but God told me it wasn't my fault. so, i went to go lay down because i was feeling so tired and i wanted to stop my nose from bleeding. (hoping i wouldn't choke or anything) and then i just..let it out. i prayed like a muthasucker. my body began to shake...the anger...the pent up anger...the secret...the weight of not telling anyone. i needed God more than anything right then. as i cried...i felt my body jerk up in an upward back arched...then everything was calm for a while.

my cheek was wet from the puddle of tears. i lay quietly with my wet washcloth over my eyes. and everything was so...peaceful. then i felt as if these great arms were surrounding me. embracing me? i was so tired. then the room felt like it was shaking but it was really just me experiencing something. i lay the life had been sucked out of me. i didn't get up for a while...when i finally did. i felt as i were another i were...outside myself? i walked around with an unusual slump. kind of like how everyone was walking around after Jason Jih (God rest his soul) committed suicide. i felt as if,..a piece of me died.
i'm still trying to figure out what happened. but i think maybe...some of the pain had been lifted. i just feel exhausted right now.

i don't think that i want anyone touching me though. i don't want james touching me or even hugging me and i don't want leon touching me unless i know that things will be alright. i wont have sex with him until i feel that i'm ready again and that he understands tha meaning of two people coming together sexually. it's not just physical. it's yes, leon was my first. I was 18.

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 8:12 PM EDT
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Saturday, 12 July 2003
Me??? A Bride??? Whooaaaaaa.....
I didn’t sleep very well lastnite. Come to think of it...I didn’t sleep at all. I went to bed after watching *That’s So Raven.* It was about 2am. That’s when B got offline. We had a very interesting convo. I think that was part of the reason I couldn’t sleep. I’m feeling the effects right now because I’m exhausted as hell.
He finally asked when it was going to happen. He didn’t exactly *Pop the question*....but he just asked when.
I was definitely caught off guard. I’m trying to gather my thoughts so I can make a decent entry but my mind is racing. So many questions...
I can’t even begin to tell you how happy I was when he brought it up. I have to be honest though, I was a bit skeptical at first. A little scared even. I’ve been thinking about this for about 3 months now I think. I know it was after we started talkin’ for a bit. We always kinda hinted at it...played with the idea but never really talked about it.
It’s just so strange talking about marriage to someone you’ve never even really seen before. Although I’m very like...hyped about this...I’m also scared. I just don’t want to be hurt again. I’ve been let down so many times...I just don’t want it to happen again.
This is my dream we’re talking about here. A WEDDING! MY WEDDING?! I’ve been planning my perfect wedding ever since I was in my aunt’s wedding back in September of 99. Omg....I start crying just thinking about it. I’m such an idiot. It’s just that no one understands...marriage is like...the BIGGEST step next to having kids!
And then he started talking about how everything would look and how he envisioned beautiful...I could see it so clearly it brought tears to my eyes. The whole wedding dress thing...I know exactly how I want my dress to look and what color. I could go into major detail but I don’t want to get too happy.
I asked when he wanted to do this...he said *ASAP* I’m like *damn you gotta deadline to meet???*
He says he just wants to be with me and no one else. God, that’s so sweet. I really hope that this is real and that he’s isn’t playing with me. I mean...I know he didn’t ask yet...I’d rather that he didn’t ask me yet until I see him. So....I guess this is all supposed to happen after I get back home from China.
Hopefully he’ll have his life together by then or he has taken care of whatever it is that he needs to take care of.
God...I couldn’t stop crying lastnite. I far he hasn’t really shown me that he’s serious but....if I get back from Beijing....and this is real...don’t you know I’ll be the happiest woman in this universe???
I mean...I could be marrying the man of my dreams. Me...Demetria Yvonne Parham....a Bride? A Wife? And later...a Mommy AND a Step mom? I don’t believe it...nothing that great ever happens to me. I always get screwed over some how.
He’s everything I could ask for. I always ask for this to be real. Because so far it doesn’t seem like it. I mean...I look bad on all the other girls he tells me about that just didn’t seem to make it...and I keep asking I do it’s not going to be any different with me? What makes me think that I’m not going to be just another girl?
I’m trying to keep my faith. But be honest with me often is it that people run into that person that they’re looking for exactly and everything is just....perfect. I, things have been far from perfect with us. But we’re still together....
But maybe...maybe I’ll be rewarded for all the pain I’ve been through?
You know...I promised myself that I wasn’t going to get too hyped about this but I couldn’t help it. NO, I didn’t tell anyone yet. I’m not saying shit until I know for a fact this is real. But I got so hyped that I went to *Blushing*’s that serious.
Yes...I was looking at gowns because that’s how much of idiot am I. Trust. No one wants this more than me. No one. And then I just had to listen to these 2 songs while I was at it....
*We Must Be In Love* -Pure Soul. I truly love this song. I always cry when I hear...just imagine...
I mean...I close my eyes and I see my whole life...with B of course...just...float by? I don’t know.
*He Proposed*- By Kelly Price.
I’m such an idiot.
Please let this be real. I don’t want to be with anyone else but him. I really can’t imagine being happy with someone else. So many people to chose from and I don’t want any of them. Because there’s no one like my Brandon. I can’t wait to have babies by this man. Do you have any idea how beautiful they’d be???
Ronda warned me about this though... Something about...*you’ll get pulled in and then he’ll hurt you. None of this is real. he isn’t real.* So I’m like...*what would be the purpose of him bringing me this far? Telling me he loves me. All the things he says? * She said that it happened to her once...and that the dude never gave her any explanation as to why he did it. She says *he obviously doesn’t respect you as a person or a woman if he keeps letting you doesn‘t matter if he says he loves you...they‘re just words.* But, what does he have to gain from hurting me??? I one is this world is that evil...
I don’t know...sometimes I think she might be right. I know one thing though....this is gonna hurt like a bitch if when I get home...I find out that....1) someone has taken my place. 2) he hasn’t done what he’s supposed to do 3) I really have to go on???
I don’t know...what makes it worse is that...for some...I just can’t let him go. He’s someone that...
OMG...Omg omg omg...I just realized something...
That’s it...
I once heard from someone....
that there’s a way....for you to be able to tell if you’re really in love with someone....I mean REALLY in love...
you in love that you are willing to take this huge plunge....
just ask yourself....and be honest....

Can you see yourself living without this him/her?

No. No, I can not see it.


I keep swearing to myself that I’m NOT going to let anyone in anymore.
No more I love you’s.....

How do I know if he...this whole thing is real....

I’m an idiot.

If this isn’t real...and this is some...joke or whatever...or he’s just messing around...and he’s not who he says he is....and he knows that this will never be....

then he should at least have the decency to...say something.


Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 4:28 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 12 July 2003 4:31 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003
Convo With Ronda....
cherry_siren69: yeah b and are i cool.
cherry_siren69: hes stressed as hell right now tho....
qtfriend2all: why is that
cherry_siren69: his mothers kids are trying to get custody of them for no reason
qtfriend2all: oh he has custody now?
qtfriend2all: have u guys talked on the phone again?
cherry_siren69: nope
cherry_siren69: i dunno. we haven't been talking much lately.
cherry_siren69: he hasn't been getting any sleep and he's been so tired...i don't know whats going on with him
qtfriend2all: crazyness. i hope things get better with him for your sake
cherry_siren69: thnk u
cherry_siren69: Ronda..he used to be so happy...
cherry_siren69: and i don't know whats going on with him...
cherry_siren69: hes hardly online anymore now that he's not on house arrest anymore..
cherry_siren69: i mean...i feel like he's drifitng..
qtfriend2all: maybe he's dating someone there?
cherry_siren69: oh boi
cherry_siren69: well...the thing is..
cherry_siren69: we're...well...
cherry_siren69: you know..
cherry_siren69: so...i don't i know..
qtfriend2all: what>
qtfriend2all: ?
cherry_siren69: he says he wants me...
cherry_siren69: and he wants to be with me...
cherry_siren69: you know that kinda thing...
cherry_siren69: see...i've been wondeirng about know...if he was seeing someone else and all...
qtfriend2all: well the mouth can make the lips say anything girl
cherry_siren69: i kno
qtfriend2all: he has to show u this girl
cherry_siren69: i was just hoping you wouldn't say that...
qtfriend2all: Well I want you to be realistic Demi... I have been down that road with internet fuckers
cherry_siren69: Ronda I'm so in lvoe with him tho...I swear I've never felt like this ever...
cherry_siren69: it kills me when we're not talking...i mean...i don't think he'd do that to me...
qtfriend2all: Demi.... thats what I have said a million times before and it's never worked. I am going to tell you right now you cannot put yourself out like that or it's going to hurt you worse in the end
cherry_siren69: i kno...
qtfriend2all: you're actually scaring me
cherry_siren69: i don't know what it is tho...and i just don't wanna be with anyone..
qtfriend2all: because i know you're going to get hurt... you are saying all of the things that I used to say last year and I know how much that fucked my head up
cherry_siren69: yeah i'm scaring my self too ronda...i don't usually do this...
qtfriend2all: Demi, please.... until you meet this guy, dont grow attached
cherry_siren69: everytime i think about saying i don't want to be with him..this invisble hold just...gets me..
cherry_siren69: well...if he's that bad...why would he do all of this? what the hell is the point of all this?
cherry_siren69: i mean..if hes going to see someone else behind my is the point? i just don't get it...
qtfriend2all: Because thats what guys do! Someone has done that to me before
qtfriend2all: and they have offered no reason why
cherry_siren69: I wanna meet him.
cherry_siren69: i don't press the issue tho...
qtfriend2all: I would
qtfriend2all: this needs to be done
qtfriend2all: u guys have too much behind this
cherry_siren69: what do you mean by the last statement..
qtfriend2all: I mean that you guys supposedly love one another, why would u meet
cherry_siren69: he said something about not hving his shit together...
cherry_siren69: i'm thinking hes doing really bad...i dunno. i just..can't leave. i don't want to. i just don't know how hard it is for me...everytime i think about not talking to him again it just..cuts me.
qtfriend2all: well how is he doing bad
cherry_siren69: no more job...his friends are trying to pressure him into getting back in a gang and selling drugs...
cherry_siren69: plus that baby momma crap...
qtfriend2all: oh lord.... well cant u talk to him
cherry_siren69: about
cherry_siren69: ?
qtfriend2all: About everything
qtfriend2all: tell him how u feel
cherry_siren69: i mean...he says hes not going to do it...u know...get back in the gang and evreything...
cherry_siren69: i wanna talk to him about how i feel but...i dunno...
cherry_siren69: i don't wanna put a strain on him ..he's already under enough pressure
qtfriend2all: Fuck that
qtfriend2all: you have feelings invested in it
qtfriend2all: he has to show u some kinda respect dude
cherry_siren69: i'm bored as hell
cherry_siren69: call me crazy but i really think he likes me...
cherry_siren69: if i didn't think he did i wouldn't say it
qtfriend2all: No I dont think you're crazy. BUT I also know I have been in your EXACT situation before and heard the EXACT things and look where I am now! Have never even met the asses who were "in love" with me
cherry_siren69: hmmm
cherry_siren69: i don't wanna ask you what u think i should do because i'm not going to like your answer...
cherry_siren69: i just...can't let go for some reason...
qtfriend2all: Demi, it's not a question of liking it,it's a question of using your head
qtfriend2all: do you want the pain he is going to be giving you constantly?
cherry_siren69: no
cherry_siren69: hell no
qtfriend2all: well honestly sweetie, if he were different, and all that he said he was, he would be trying to see you RIGHT NOW
cherry_siren69: youre right.
cherry_siren69: i mean...he's everywhere but here....
cherry_siren69: i mean...i know he has kids and all but damn...
qtfriend2all: and im not even saying this because of my dislike for him. Demi, I honestly feel like you're me, doing the same fuck up thing that I did to hurt myself
qtfriend2all: and i dont want you to get hurt and jaded like how i was
qtfriend2all: cuz thats how they can do us
cherry_siren69: eh
cherry_siren69: ronda so many guys are me their numbers and offering me to take me out and do whatever...i maen....theyre REAL...
cherry_siren69: but always say no..
cherry_siren69: why?
cherry_siren69: because of him. but i don't believe in doing anyone wrong.
qtfriend2all: WHAT
qtfriend2all: why in the hell do you do that
qtfriend2all: Demi
qtfriend2all: You and Brandon are NOT together, no matter what he says
qtfriend2all: I dont care
cherry_siren69: these dudes STILL talk to me EVERYNITE! like...*can i come see you* i'm like no....
qtfriend2all: until he has the fucking balls to come see u, he has no right to make that kind of claim on your heart
cherry_siren69: ok
qtfriend2all: You are yougn
qtfriend2all: young rather
qtfriend2all: and you need to go out and have your fun
cherry_siren69: sooooo many dudes like me...
cherry_siren69: you know he should consider himself blessed...pplz just don't...appreciate me enough...
qtfriend2all: Exactly
cherry_siren69: i'm kinda irritated with dudes right now tho...
cherry_siren69: i mean..really...
qtfriend2all: i would be too
cherry_siren69: hes so sweet tho...and he really makes me laugh...
cherry_siren69: and he tries so hard to be a good daddy and all that..its so hard..
qtfriend2all: How is it hard Demi? You have not met him yet! I can understand liking him a lto but you cant love him
cherry_siren69: no. i do.
cherry_siren69: i know it.
cherry_siren69: it's not something you question.
cherry_siren69: thats how i know. i just know it. i'm sorry...i can tell me all you want that he's not good for me...ok...that part i will listen to u talk about...fine. can not tell me what i feel and what i don't feel. ronda i love you...but sometimes it's dunno. i'm in love with the guy and that's it...its how i feel.
cherry_siren69: i think feel its pefectly possible to love someone you've never touched before...PERFECTLY possible.
qtfriend2all: Alright, so maybe it is possible. Demi, I am not going to tell you how you feel. I was wrong for that. But I will just say that when he breaks your heart or doesn't. I will be here. I cant do anymore to help you because you have to learn for yourself
cherry_siren69: i do understand where youre coming from tho..
qtfriend2all: it's just harder for me not to say anything because i think we were in the same exact situations
cherry_siren69: yeah...i know what you mean because i was giving this same exact advice to one of my friends about 2 yrs ago...
cherry_siren69: we were in china the dude she was in love with was all the way in texas...
cherry_siren69: can u believe this girl was going to give this dude all her allownce come christmas time so he could catch a plane to china to come see her?????
cherry_siren69: i was like tina you b!tch are you fuckin' outta your mind?!
qtfriend2all: WHAT
qtfriend2all: LOL dayum
qtfriend2all: see
qtfriend2all: it's some crazy shit
cherry_siren69: i know..
cherry_siren69: this guy Byron really likes me...
cherry_siren69: at first we were just talking every now and then...but the he started dropping hints like bombs in the past few days.
cherry_siren69: he has my number and i have his but...i'm just not ready to talk to him.
cherry_siren69: i told him please not to call me tho.
qtfriend2all: Well Demi, you must live and learn
qtfriend2all: and you have a hard lesson coming to you, but you have to take it
cherry_siren69: eh
cherry_siren69: i guess i should talk to him if he comes on later.
qtfriend2all: you lose more than you gain if you dont
cherry_siren69: just thinking about it hurts and makes me cry tho...
cherry_siren69: because...i know if i keep talking to him..we're always going to be like...*i miss you* and then we're going to try and work shit out again...
cherry_siren69: but then if i stop talking to him altogether...i'm just going hurt..ALOT
cherry_siren69: cuz i'll miss talking to him..
qtfriend2all: well then tell his ass to meet u
cherry_siren69: i want to...
cherry_siren69: but i dunno..i'm just afraid of what he'll say...
cherry_siren69: another excuse or something..and then i'm going to be really hurt.
qtfriend2all: Yeah I agree
cherry_siren69: sometimes i just wanna say if you don't come see me now...don't ever bother talking to me again..
cherry_siren69: but that would be mean...
qtfriend2all: No why would it be?
cherry_siren69: i dunno.
cherry_siren69: i guess ur right...
cherry_siren69: i am way too cute for this yo...
qtfriend2all: LOL
cherry_siren69: i'm fa real yo..
cherry_siren69: shit..
cherry_siren69: LOOK AT ME!
qtfriend2all: you are wild
cherry_siren69: i kno right..
cherry_siren69: but you know it's true..
cherry_siren69: if you were a dude you know you'd wanna hit this...
cherry_siren69: LOL!

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 4:52 PM EDT
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Sunday, 22 June 2003
Like A Breath of Fresh Air..
I just got out of the bathtub alittle while was really nice. I guess being alone isn't so bad.
I think I really needed that. Instead of having the lights on when I took a bath I lit a candle. I just soaked in the bubbles. I meditated alittle. That was just too rich. Did some breathing exercises. My nerves were really killing me today. My hormones are going crazy...I've been crying and all kinds of crap.
You's really sad. I didn't talk to B all day yesterday. He wasn't online or anything. I was so worried. I'm talking to him now so I guess it's cool. No, I'm not going to ask him where he was...what do I look like??? Although...I really do wanna know...Nah never mind.
But anyway, like I was saying my nerves were killing me so before I got in the bathtub I took some pepto-bismal...
Bad Idea.
That just made me throw up.
Just like yesterday.
What's really sick....
is that after I throw up...
I feel better.

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 9:20 PM EDT
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Saturday, 21 June 2003
He called...
B called at 3 this morning. I was shocked to shit. I'm glad he called though. At first when he was talking I was saying in my mind *who tha' fuck is this???* In all honesty it sounded like a chick at first...and then all I could think about was that ex-g/f of his that he told me about that took over his page. I thought maybe it was some sick prank. I don't know...but then I thought about it later. I was like, well what would be the point of fuckin' with me like that?
Simple. There is no point. Unless he/she really wanted to hurt me.
So, I've decided that...well, I'm going to let him love me. If that's what he really wants to do.
I want to be there for him and I want him to be here for me as well.
I'm trying to be as trusting as possible.
I feel bad for putting things off again...fro breaking up with him like that...again.
I always do this...I get ALITTLE scared and then I just...let go.
The whole phone thing pissed me off...but I guess it really wasn't his fault.
I mean...I don't know what to do though. Because I wanna tell him that I'm sorry about that...but, I know he's tired of us breaking up and making up all the time.
He says he's tired of all the drama...I'm tired of it too. I just want all of this to blow over.
Today I was thinking about him alot...I couldn't get over the fact that he called. I mean, I guess that kind of restored a new faith in my heart.
It still doesn't heal the other wounds.
I don't want to get too happy though.
Ronda says that him calling was a HUGE step. I think it was too.
I just hope that was really him.
I am soooo in love with him.
But anyway,
Mom called me at 9:12 am. I was sleeping beautiful too. She had to call and wake me up. My plan was to sleep all day...but noooo. So then she started getting on me about the job thing. I just wanted to cry or something. So...since none of the places that I applied to are *Actively hiring* I'm going to walk over to Hardees and apply for a motherfuckin' job. Ew.
I was tryin' to stay away from the fast food joints.
Speaking of food. I thought I was going to throw up again today. I really feel sick. I wonder if the doctor is going to find anything in my lab work she did on me.
I'm hungry but I can't eat anything because the thought is digusting. I don't like eating.
It's family always tells me...*Mimi, I've never seen you eat anything.* They've seriously never seen me eat. My mom has seen me eat...but that's about it. I guess because eating is gross.
My nerves has been killing me. For once I'd like to have a day when my nerves as nice and calm and I don't have to deal with any BS.
Anyway, I'm sleepy so I'm out.

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 4:12 PM EDT
Updated: Sunday, 22 June 2003 12:22 AM EDT
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Step Inside My Heart
When I first saw B...something came over me. I'm not sure what it was. I got goosebumps...and tears filled my eyes. I swear I had never seen such a beautiful human being...ever. I just had to make him mine. So I wanted to message him...but then I was like: *Maybe I shouldn't because I KNOW I'm not his type. He looks like the type that goes out with model chicks and that definitely ISN'T me.*
But...surprisingly when I got the balls to message him...he said I was beautiful.
That was crazy...that's when I came to the conclusion that there was no possible way that the guy I SAW and the guy I'm CHATTING with...could be the same person. Guys like him don't find girls like me attractive. But appearantly he did.
So we talked and talked and we started to like each other. I made the mistake of being his girlfriend way too soon though. I knew everything was too good to be true. As soon as I got to my aunt's house everything was starting to go wrong.
I held on though. A few months later I'm still trying to hold on and I find my heart being constantly broken. I'll never forget the time he told me he loved me though. I told him that I loved him first I wasn't sure if I should have said that.
But then..after a while it wasn't so bad because I really felt it. What's strange is that...not only did I love him...but I was falling in love. It was crazy...I had never experienced it before.
The feeling was nice. It still is at times. It's good to that know that I haven't completely forgotten how to love after all the shit my ex's have put me through. If B and I make's going to be a huge relief.
If we don't make it...well, I really don't think I'll trust anyone ever again. This time I'm serious.
I left him this loooong ass offline message on yahoo after he didn't pick up his phone. I was angry as hell. I tried not to cry. After I tried calling him a second time...I hung up and my mother called right first I thought it was him calling me. my heart I knew it wasn't.
I was hurt to the core.
Lasnite we tried to talk about everything that's been going down lately. He tried to explain but that wasn't good enough. I want to know everything. everything there is to know.
It's weird because when he commented on one of my journal entries logged his IP address and the address said that he wasn't even in Richmond. That he was in Axton, Virginia. I think that's like the deep south or something. Quite frankly I don't care where he long as he lived in Va I guess. But I just think it's weird. When I asked him about it...he was like, * I don't know what that's about* He's famous for that answer.
I don't know...I don't want to come right out and say that he's lying to me because I have no proof. But I also have no that's he's...whoever. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to come right out and say : *Are you really some 50 yr old white dude? Or some 15 yr old white kid?* Something that like that you know?
he always gets cranky when I asked questions like that...I mean, I wouldn't have to ask those dumbass questions if he would just tell me everything that I wanna know and be straight about it.
sometimes I think I might be over analysing everything...but I just...I don't know. I just don't wanna get hurt. It's going to be so hard for me to pick up and move on after this if it doesn't work. I want this to work because I can't stand the thought of him loving anyone else other than me. And I swear on everything that I couldn't see myself loving someone else the way I love him.
It's so crzy. We talk about having babies and getting married. The thing is that I'm serious about it.
I really don't want to get hurt. I don't want to be hurt anymore because I'm tired of the bad moods. It's so horrible because in my heart I KNOW that...things just. Look, I told him that I was going to leave it up to him.
I just get so sad though...whenever I think about his kids and him trying to be the best father that he can be. And I think about the pressure from his friends that he says he's getting. And some guy has a mark on his now...waiting to kill him. I just want to cry because I keep telling him that I'm going to be here by his side even though I know that there isn't much I can do.
And now...I'm telling him that we should be just friends. It just hurts...I don't want to let him go...but I know that I have to. Because he's not giving. I don't have anything to go on.
I want this to work so badly. He says he does too..sometimes I believe it..sometimes I don't. He says that I wouldn't understand...well...MAKE me understand. I want to KNOW EVERYTHING SO THAT I WONT HAVE TO BITCH AND MOAN TO HIM ANYMORE.
I remember a few days ago I kept saying...if it's not in God's Will..then it wont work...but I ALSO heard that if you let him in on all your plans...then you'll be successful...SO I'm confused.
I want him to be one that I'm with years from now. I want him to be the one that I walk down the aisle to. I want to be In bed and arguing over who's going to get up and feed the baby or some mushy crap like that.
And then he tells me...If something happens to me...promise me you'll love again?
What tha fuck am I supposed to say to that???
So I didn't promise him shit. Never make a promise you aren't going to keep.
Whatever it is that he has to do to get himself to gether...I hope he does it soon because this is getting ridiculous. I told him that when ever he's ready...we can do it again....see, this is what I mean...I keep giving him chance after chance...when I am going to get REALLY tired and just be like....fuck it??? WHEN?
I don't know...I hope he doesn't keep me waiting too long...because...I just might not be here.

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 12:39 AM EDT
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Friday, 20 June 2003
It's been 2 hours....
I've been awake for about 2 hrs now...I keep saying that I'm going to work out but...I haven't lifted my big ass off of this chair. I'm in my work out clothes though...*Two cheers...YEAY!!!*
Yup, it's about that time that I pick it up again. I used to be pretty solid. But now...well...I'll spare the details.
I think I got caught up in trying to edit my BlackPlanet page. I'm trying to make it look fun. Yoshi just happened to be online so I asked him to make it look good. I'm like...yeah, put a picture of Ginuwine up there as my background. I think I want some music up there too.
When B comes on later I'm going to ask him if I can post his pic up there. He'll probably say no. LOL. Hmmm, I wonder why. I think it wold make more since if I had a picture of us TOGETHER don't you think?
Anyway, I woke up with the worst stomach ache this morning. I'm probably lemme stop, that's not even funny. I think I ate too much lastnite.
Dione came over. I had fun. I'm glad she came since Boogie didn't get the chance.
We took a ride down was pretty fun. Somehow we got on the subject of Hispanic guys...
after that I couldn't stop talking about B...I'm dumb as hell. *OMG my baby is soooo fiiine and he's such a sweetheart....!!!*
Dione was like...*Isn't he the one with baby momma drama???*
I was like, yeah... but it's alright I guess. I mean...when you REALLY love'll stick by no matter what. He's going through a tough time right now. Lastnite we were talking and he finally told me why he hasn't been able to see me...everything just came out, which was a huge relief for me because for a while....I didn't know what tha fuck was going on. I thought he was some fake or something and he was me the run around...I dunno. he says he doesn't have his *shit straight* I'm all-too-familiar with this term. He says I wouldn't understand. but I beg to differ. Everything that he's going through right now either I've been through it with an ex or with my brother. The fighting...the drugs...all that.
I admit when I first met him I didn't think he was about any of that...but now all of a sudden it's back in the picture. It's a bit scary because...I want him to be careful...but yet I mean....he has this dude that's looking for him. I don't know what could happen to him..well, actually I DO know what could happen but I really don't want to think about it.
Dione says that I should give him his space since he's going through all of this.
I mean, he just doesn't have time for me. But I don't really wanna give up that easy.
I don't know the whole story...there's a few things that he's not telling me and I'm sure of that. I told him that he should be able to tell me anything.
I guess I don't want him to think that I don't love him because I DO with all my heart...I want nothing more than to be this guy.
It's so strange...loving someone like this...ppl think I'm crzy. Whatever.
I think my real fear is that...if we take a know, until he gets himself together...that he'll fall in love with someone else. I one can help who they fall in love with. I just don't want to lose him.
But I also don't want some drug-dealing gang-banger boyfriend. No. I'm through with all of that. I can do better than that...and I know he can too. He seems like a strong man...he takes really good care of his kids and I love that about him. It's crazy kinda makes me wish I had kids with him, but Shhhh * Don't tell anyone*
I just know he's stronger than all that. I just hope that he's very careful. I just don't want to be a hassle for him.
I just think it's messed up that he goes everywhere else but to see me....
I wish there was something I could to do help him. But I know there isn't...I can't fix everything.
I asked him to come and stay with me until all this mess blows over....or atleast come over whenever he know....threatened or something.
He was like, *na, I don't wanna bring that around you*
PLEASE! Like something's going to happen to ME! He obviously doesn't know WHO I am and WHO my mother is. But that's ok. I'm not about to tell.
I think the reason why I want him over here is because...well, I'm lonely...I really don't like living here...alone. It's a bit scary. I don't do's not like I have to work...although I know I should.
Eh...I'm going to stop writing now...I'm going to go and do my Tae-Bo. Then I'm going to stuff my face.

Posted by poetry/sensual_chocolate84 at 10:23 AM EDT
Updated: Friday, 20 June 2003 10:38 AM EDT
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