this entry is something from my livejournal that i wrote in March...so it's a tad old. But I had to read it over again.
i was cruising thru some of the communities that this one girl belonged to on www.livejournal.com
i forget her name...i came across her name because i was looking up ppl who were interested in plus size modeling...when i looked at her user info...i found thar she belonged to a community called *our_bruises* i decided to take a look at the community. i read the stories of girls who were being beat on by loved ones. as i read some of those entries, i felt blessed that i was never battered as a child. i also feel blessed that leon wasn't violent towards me. leon's mother used to beat on him...i remember when he first told me that, something tore through my heart...cut me...made me cry inside. i couldn't understand why a mother would beat on her child...or anyone for that matter.
later i entered a community on livejournal about girls who were raped or sexually abused...i was trying to muster up the courage to write about it. to be just like every girl in that community. to join that community. but, i couldn't. i wasn't ready....i mean, i'm ready now...i guess.
those girls have been through a lot...like me...the only difference between me and those girls is that...i pretend like it never happened. sometimes, i can go days...even months without thinking about it...without feeling bad...without letting it out. but then...but then i'm reminded that i'm playing the *naughty know-it-all* *the unvirgin* and that's when i have to act like the person that ppl think am i.
when ppl meet me...they automatically assume i'm not a virgin...i guess it's the way i act. but let me tell you something, in all honesty...virgins can be freaky too. i don't want to call out any names, but someone i met in china over the summer last year ... she just assumed that i was not a virgin. when i told her i was, she thought i was joking...so i went along with it...because this was my chance to re-invent myself. this was a chance for me to...escape my past and act like nothing had happened. so i told her i lost my virginity to a boyfriend of mine when i was 17. then she told me she was still a virgin and i couldn't believe it.
but before i go on. i'd like to share something that happened to me about an hour and something ago...
as i began to write this entry...to write about what happened to me when i was younger...i began to cry...i cried because of the pain, because of the confusion i felt, the betrayal, the guilt. i've always told my friends that i was only *molested* but that was putting it mildly.
so, i put my head down on my desk and cried my heart out...cried like, i've never done before. cried because of the lies that formulated around my past. i prayed to God to take the pain away...to take the memories away...to lift it from me. i felt as if my body were under going a massive change. i remembered a story that i read...a story about the blood of Christ being able to wash away all pain, all sin, all burdens. and this is what i needed.
to wash away the pain. so i cried...and then when i blew my nose...i opened my eyes to find blood in the tissue. i started to cry even harder...i was scared. i wanted to call someone...leon...someone. but there was no one around...i couldn't go to my hall mates. so i stuck it out...freaked out...then i felt myself go very weak.
i kept asking God to make it stop. i questioned why did it have to happen to me? someone so dear to me...and then some one who i barely knew. someone that i still have to look in the face every now and then. I still remember who sat and watched as some little kid was trying to penetrate me. i was so little. had i lost my virginity??? no. but....sadly...there were many other times after that. had i lost my virginity??? i still don't know. i can't remember.
so i made up a fantasy in my mind. i told ppl i had lost my virginity to my boyfriend kobe my junior year...please, we never got around to having sex. he was so ready. i thought i was...but i really wasn't. i don't know. i'm glad i didn't lose my virginity to him. kobe. but then there's the confusion was i a true virgin....did i have the right to call myself that...even before i gave it to leon when i was at HU?
so yes, as i was saying, i felt weak earlier tonite, my nose started to bleed...i was scared for my life...i thought maybe i was dying? was God punishing me? no. because none of this was my fault. i was little. but, there's always that guilt that girls have after they've been raped or sexually abused. but God told me it wasn't my fault. so, i went to go lay down because i was feeling so tired and i wanted to stop my nose from bleeding. (hoping i wouldn't choke or anything) and then i just..let it out. i prayed like a muthasucker. my body began to shake...the anger...the pent up anger...the secret...the weight of not telling anyone. i needed God more than anything right then. as i cried...i felt my body jerk up in an upward movement...my back arched...then everything was calm for a while.
my cheek was wet from the puddle of tears. i lay quietly with my wet washcloth over my eyes. and everything was so...peaceful. then i felt as if these great arms were surrounding me. embracing me? i was so tired. then the room felt like it was shaking but it was really just me experiencing something. i lay motionless...like the life had been sucked out of me. i didn't get up for a while...when i finally did. i felt as i were another person...as i were...outside myself? i walked around with an unusual slump. kind of like how everyone was walking around after Jason Jih (God rest his soul) committed suicide. i felt as if,..a piece of me died.
i'm still trying to figure out what happened. but i think maybe...some of the pain had been lifted. i just feel exhausted right now.
i don't think that i want anyone touching me though. i don't want james touching me or even hugging me and i don't want leon touching me unless i know that things will be alright. i wont have sex with him until i feel that i'm ready again and that he understands tha meaning of two people coming together sexually. it's not just physical. it's emotional...so yes, leon was my first. I was 18.