Heart with Speed
I  tend to forget my past a lot. then it comes swarming back to me sometimes like when i start remembering or thinking about the past. Thats when the memories come in. With the memories comes emotion. the emotion that ive always ran from. the pain that was cast on me in my youth that i ran from and hid from and cried from and locked it up and now it comes back with every memory. i'll never forget it or deal with it. I will be haunted for the rest of my life. Your past is part of you it becomes you and it cant be locked up or ran from, but for some reason my heart wont believe my fingers or my voice. I can say all i want and yet my heart will forever run.

Like an old classic car,, my mothers trust
Mood:  down
Now Playing: silence

so i was told i should try to write again cuz supposedly my stuff is good. well lets go for it,, not gaurunteeing that itll be any good at all but whatevva..

[[having trouble getting back to it but its slowing coming]] 

so many emotions

my heart feeling hard as a rock and fake as bubblegumm all at the same time

my lungs might explode for i cannot breathe

as i lay here thinking of he, and all ive done,, and all my faults and regrets,,, theres so many

i cannot begin to describe how much grief i feel for messing up and doing what i did.

 

 

 

 

 

my explosion of feelings

[[ok its back mostly]]

my mothers trust cannot be regained and inside my heart i feel all the pain ive caused for her, the children influenced, the girls affected, and the adults disgusted and dissappointed plus so much more. i have hurt others before but not like this. i have been dissapointed in myself before but yet again i say never like this. i will forever remember and never be able to forget the mistakes ive made to this day. Here now i lay feeling dissappointment and ashamed,, i have to remember how to breathe and try my hardest to not let my heart talk to me. the more i have to deal with my problems the more problems swarm back to my present. all those times i felt i was dealing and making my problems vanish was only creating more pain, torchure, and suffering. all those aches that i covered up and forgot about found their way back to the surface now as i fear having to deal with them in counseling i wonder if it was worth all my experimenting to say that i have the experience of a drinker, a cutter, and a smoker?? my head has not stopped hurting for about a month and my stomache seems to be getting more and more jittery. my lungs have begun to deflate and my eyes have gotten even deeper. ive been told my eyes behold mystery and depth,, only pain and experience. this sux beyond belief what i am now faced with. my best friend, my mother, my loving fatherfigure, and my sister all have the right to be not just pissed at me or infuriated,, but disgusted and hurt causing my grief to expand. see but now i do not even threaten to hold a knife in my hand. this wristband covering the scars has seen too many and been used as cover way too many times. i want to be able to wear it as a fashion accessory and a memoir instead of a mask. i long to see my wrists again with only my ponytail holders and clean skin. cuts are not cute or attractive, they dont even give depth. theyre embarrasing and bring shame that i have stooped down to that level of violence and ignorance that i would rather tear up my skin which hold little to no importance than to deal with my problems and admit that i as a person really have issues that maybe are worth someones worries. Flurries in my stomach tell me i am truly disturbed, pounds in my head let me kno i am unwell and the constant shaking of my entire body, the twitches and uneasyness shows me and others that i am disturbed to the bone. now my colorful past is mixed with black and white to start but not yet finish the painting of my correction.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[another one kinda silly but true]] 

rusty trust

Its entire self should be kept nice. Washed and waxed, protected and sacred. my mothers trust or a classic car?? well it could be both but one is more important than the other. can a car hold you close when you lose something held dear? can a piece of metal provide love and care? no but a mother can do it all,, my mothers trust or a piece of rust?? it is all in one at the moment i fear but a classic car no matter how rare is not even close to the worth of a mothers warmth. How could i have messed up so badly? how culd i have become such a lie and a distance from who she raised and what she wanted? a mother molds her child is that not correct?? she gave me the mold and i dripped and slipped out until there was a mess,, counselings the rag i suppose to fix it all according to her.. shes trying, what a shame she even has to. my mothers trust has been covered with rust.

<33

long time no talk
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: regret, love, shame, missing
so i havent been on here in forever. i just thought id put something for ppl that might read this.

these poems here are ones of my past.
but my past built my present.
so these emotions and feelings and poems are PART of how i am today.

i am not these poems anymore.
but they were me.
the entire me
everything about me.



i have grown and matured and learned.
i now have expierienced and matured beyond expectations.
i will say without feeling vain that i am more mature than many ppl twice my age are.

and i take pride in it.

but i aint bitchy bout it either.
i love life, how i am today, who i have become, what i do, and what ive learned.

i have done things, but not just for the hell of it.
i did it so now ppl can come to me for help cuz i have first hand exerience.

i will do anything for my brothers and sisters i swear to god,, i will die for them.

<333333333333333333

Who really cares?
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: You got me
Topic: someone special

Part I January 29, 2007

How do i kno u care when its not in ur eyes,
theres no touch of affection. can a relationship carry on when theres little to no communication?
ive had better, ive had worse, but it hurts so much to think in reverse. Do you care? does he? do they? actions speak louder than words, but what if your actions are masking the true emotion within? then the actions, words, they all mean nothing... but when u act one way then that's the only thing i have to go off of so how am i supposed to kno??
you see i keep walking away and u never follow. i smile and you seem to look right past me. is this how u show u care? is this ur idea of a relationship or even a friendship? it just doesnt seem fair.
When i want a relationship, he doesnt. when he wants what i wanted all along, i get scared. will i ever be able to love fully again? is it my fault my relationships feel like hell? ive experienced love to the extremes, heavenly and hurt like hell. I wanna feel that strongly again, express my emotions and feelings, not care bout outside opinions and feel warmth from the inside out. are my expectations too high? are they only my expectations or the expectations of ppl all around the world? am i really that different? or is it you that needs the help?
Y do i complain over little things but let the big things slide by as if they dont matter. they dont matter to me, but the little things drive me crazy. its the little things that i write all over my notes during the school day, it is the little things that stress me out, but the things that are supposed to matter, i forget and blow them off.... is it just me? surely im not the only one... but i cant explain what i mean by the big things, there really arent many. or maybe thats just cuz i let them go. my life is perty dang good, infact i love the life im living, the ppl, the person i am. im blessed and thankful for everything i have, but i let the little things bother me until it sounds to others as if theres something wrong when infact its nothing but its something only something itty bitty. one tiny imperfection. the thing that i cant stop thinking bout...

 

Part II March 4, 2008 

 It's funny how you can meet someone, just one glance, one smile and one catch of the eye and kno that he's the one i've been waiting for. I once wrote wondering if I would ever find a love so true and find a relationship so real. I have. There's finally nothing missing, no itty bitty. There's just love, magic, and complete perfection. It seems so silly to me to think of how I used to settle for such emptiness now that my heart is so full, I've found the missing piece to the puzzle. The itty bitty is filled with the look in his eyes saying I love you with all my heart. the words "id do anything fr you" and "you're my world" make me melt. I really feel completely for this one forever and ever. Theres nothing missing. Who really cares? my baby cares

I remember
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: someone special
The look in your eyes
The depth of your love
the warmth of you arms
the comforting of your hold
the passion in your kisses
the playfulness of your jokes
the seriousness in our discussions and
the love in your heart
I remember..... do you?
How could you forget? how can you blow it off and push it aside? you said you loved me, and i replied.... but is it possible that you lied? Are you lieing now? to yourself? to your pride?
are you looking up somewhere, thinking of me, remembering the same things i do, missing the feeling that someone actually cared? You lost me, your doing, your loss, my tears...

So long...
Mood:  lyrical
Topic: someone special
I can't breathe, i cant think
My mind has stopped breathing and my heart stopped bleeding.
So many ways has my love been torn
For that girl i used to be, I must morn
Her death has seemed to go unnoticed, shes been forgotten.
Replaced has she been, and now no longer can i think of when i was but a mere lover and friend. To you i am now the past, but in my heart you will always last. Tonight, forever, i will always morn. Goodnight my lover, I am no longer yours.
You treated me like shit and then let me go, but i just wanted you to know that i will always love you so. And though i may treat you like i haven't a care in the world, the truth is that it hurts so much that i put on a mere show.
You were my friend, brother, shrink and lover.
So now listen to me when i say that i no longer wish to be urs, just that it brings me to tears to think of how your fears are being bottled up and ur heart turned cold, you will not survive like this for long. I cannot deal with this knot in my heart so now i must say so long.

Can I be me now?
Mood:  down
I have one question, just one thing id like to kno. I once was someone... what happened? I once had importance... where did it go? Where‘s the love now? and what happened to my purpose? Can I care and be me again or is that just a thing of the past? Please dont let this be it. there must be something left of who i once was. i just wanna be me again, for this isnt me, this is nothing of me, but everything of who im being. But who ive been now hates who i am but everything i was has seemed to die and so as i look deep inside i see a child, too scared and embarrased to come out once more. Her skin so white and her tears blood red... her wrists have been crying and her heart frozen. This is me, or was, or will be.....

The Angel of Knowledge Gave Birth to the Angel of Sin who Killed his Sister, the Angel of Innocence
Mood:  accident prone
This is about a girl. This girl has a lot. She’s blessed, cared for, pathetic, and stupid. She holds knowledge, guilt, emotion, and experience. But what is experience other that the ability to recognize when you mess up again? What does emotion bring other than pain and suffering? But all things in the world are pain and suffering if you think about it, no? She is looked upon as someone to be jealous of, but why? She holds nothing of true value other than the knowledge she gained through suffering and mistakes. She does not crave what she has, but what she once had and lost. She longs for that kiss, that passionate meaningful holding of love and importance. She wants warmth, love, the strength she once held before it was lost. She just wants feeling, is that too much to ask? Can she not receive care from another human being or maturity from others? Her heart seems so bare and her tears so hot, where did her true self go?
You see, these words have been written describing me. They describe me as i mourn the loss of care i once received, love i once gave, and importance i once felt before my innocence committed suicide and i lost myself.

Blood Black Dream
Mood:  down
Topic: my poetry
how long? how long must my heart cry out and my voice bleed until my wrists catch on? my heart has seemed to stop pumping and my lungs have stopped breathing. my emotions are racing and temptation stirring. catch me im falling. As i fall closer and closer to the rock hard bottom i think of this girl i kno. her heart so big and her love so pure. I hit the bottom with a crash. mirrors surrounding me i look at myself, what happened? so little ago i was flying... now shattered glass surrounds me. im crying tears of my pain. my heart bleeding tears of loneliness. how long? how long until my wrists catch on and cry bloody tears of the past? how long will this misory last?

Impossible
Mood:  lyrical
Why do people always say that everything is possible? Nothing is possible with todays society consuming our beliefs. Life is havock. Mixed emotions cluttered with swarming thoughts make living with ourselves unbearable. Stress isnt what tears people to pieces, its fear and loneliness. Emotions in general seem to eat away all sanity. Forget caring, heartache, loneliness. Forget it all. happiness backfires; it was too good to be true. Heartache destroys the ability to make good relationships. and loneliness talks to you, telling you that you arent worthy of friends. If God really cared, hed get rid of it all, instead of laying it all out on us, his children, making it impossible to think straight and make good decisions!
Theres no way that dreams can come true. Theres no possibility of this mess inside going away.
If God is so powerful, then why doesnt he fix this mess? I wish I could say were afraid, but I do not think we fear, I think fear has consumed us. Fear of what others think, of what will happen, of our futures, and social status.
Why does God tell us that we should fear him and then tell us to lay down all our fears for him? It doesnt make sense, just like him saying everything is possible.... impossible.

Stranger to Myself
Mood:  accident prone
Topic: im scaring myself
As i step outa my body, i see a girl writing, she looks so pathetic: pathetically normal, but i dont recognize her. ive never seen this girl before. She lifts up the sleeve to her sweater... OMG theres cuts on her arm, lines, stripes. she sighs, ashamed she covers them up again. so sad, y? i observe her room, looks like the room of a girl with friends nd a caring family. it looks like she has fun. her pictures, so many smiling faces.... she must be loved. ive read her thoughts though.... how does she do it? how does she go from this life of shame and fear to her life outside? y? y does she do it? y cut? y ruin her life? y is she so confused... to me its plain and simple.... just be happy. i want to yell at her, but i know that thats what she wants. she just wants ppl to yell at her, be mad, angry, start an argument, but everyone is too nice. she is too though. she gets blamed for being too nice, but she's only nice to everyone but herself... i still dont get it,y do it? y does she cut? she had everything going for her, friends, famil;y, trust, love, and she betrayed them all. she just ruined it... she's so stupid!!! she tries everything to look her best on the outside, but thats for everyone else. she tears up and demolishes her insides, thething that she has to deal with, she just doesnt seem to care. she needs to just GROW UP! y? y wont she? y is she so freaking stupid? y wont she listen to me? y is she so stubborn and selfish and stupid?! she had everything and she just threw it away with ne quick swift of the razor. i wish i was there when it happened... but i dont remember it... all i remember is looking at the blood on my arm, the guilt, the pain. i wish i was ther when it happened... i wish i could have stopped her... its too late now. its time for me to get her going on homework, so now, as i step back into my body, i realize, im a stranger to myself.

recognize
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: scars by papa roach
It started with one little lie, now she can't stop... she keeps lieing to everyone she loves, her parents, herself, her friedns, she feels so guilty, so unclean and so unworthy. she sits in her room, all alone, thinking of how she should die, how she doesnt desearve to live, to have everything she has, to be cared for so much by the people that mean everything to her.... the people she's betrayed. so now, as this little girl, so scared of the world, life itself, sits in this empty room, filled with only her belongings and hateful music filling her mind, she writes the two most meaningful words she's ever written... im sorry.
i watch her, this girl i should recognize, this girl ive known all my life, i don't kno her. i cant recognize myself. im not me... i dont know her, me, the girl with the cuts on her arm. i dont kno you. i feel like a stranger everywhere i go... i feel worn out, used, lonely, even when ppl that love me, and i love them, are surrounding me. i dont know my family, i dont know nething nemore... if i did this thing that i wasnt gonna do.... what else will i do? what else am i not gonna be able to control.... i admit it, i have a problem. i am addicted to cutting. i dont want to be. i dont like it. i went without it for so long... y is it haunting me, tempting, not leaving me alone. just GO AWAY! leave me alone, voices stop tlking, thoughts go away, music stop playing.... breathe... 1,2,3...

Forgive
Mood:  cheeky
forget ur fucking emotions, bury them in a hole. forget the whole wide world, forget about ur soul. my feelings for you have become bitter and cold. listen to me for this is what ive been told, everything happens for a reason, but i cant feel myself bleeding. ive lost all feeling. inside i hide. the pain i long for im not allowed to feel so now with all my heart i kneel, father forgive me so. i have been told of ur undieing forgiveness, this is what i need, i plead lord please give me strength, comfort, loving and contentment. god, i apologize for all my resentment. ruler of all men, father i pray, amen.

Stripes
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Nas
Topic: im scaring myself
Crack, the stripes hit the wall. ball in the socket, a picture of him in a locket around my heart. Solids, stripes, cuts on my arm. Red, lines, laughter, tears, emotional chaos.... together equals a toxic venom.. high? me? only with freedom. jump high, as high as i feel. dance, shout, ignore the bitch. everything happy... except for my loss. loneliness can't go. but all life is stripes.

shelter
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: You & Me- JKwan
SO scared, i just wanna disappear. so many options but i cant do anything. as i feel the need to keep going the only thing i feel moving is the tear down my cheek. as it keeps going i wanna reach for that blade. once again i gotta deal with my emotions and im so scared. if only i had a scar to look at as my shield. i look out at the earth nothing but a flat field... theres nothing to hide in or behind... nowhere a person will be kind. Forward theres nowhere to go and im too far ahead to turn back now so instead im stuck here ticking like a bomb... tick, tock, tick tock where can i go? tick tock tick tock....

Death
Mood:  on fire
Death is death
leave it be
dont worry bout the one dieing
They wont be the one crying
Death is like escape
it frees the living from pain
when you die, pain stops
when you die youre free
when you die, your spirit soars
death is death, let it go
death is death, thats all we kno

Helping
Mood:  down
Topic: thoughts
Words have to stop flowing emotions must die. Fear of everything anything all and none. im not afraid, fear has just taken over. I do not fear, i am fear. My thoughts, the voices, the pain, all in my imagination. Thats what fear does to someone weak and vulnerable.. me. So i put up my safty shield and hide from my worries but if its so good why must i hide it? why am i ashamed of what makes me feel so great? If it helps me why must it hurt others. and if it hurts others then is it really helping? if my pain disappears then how come it always comes back? whats the use of this medicine if it never heals? i alwayus need it and want more i shiver, cold

Mood:  hug me
holding back i just wanna see blood. i feel the need for the pain, the blades, running against my skin. the sting, the red, bright, ruby, rich. so thick i just wish to see it drip through again. i hold the razor but the faces of my friends flash through my head. i see you and im scared of what u think. all of a sudden this sharp thing in my hand is as heavy as a brick. i cry the tears of the ppl closest to me. all the worry, the risks, all of a sudden its not worth it anymore. i still want to see blood tho, just one sight of relief. once ive felt the way it feels i just want it more and more. its addicting like a drug... GOD IM SUCH A HYPOCRIT! help me hold me someone i dont wanna hurt u... just me. is that wrong? i am in charge of my own blood, not you. but u care so much.... i feel so ashamed. the flame dies with the thought of u crying over me. funny how one tear can demolish an once uncontrolable fire. now i feel the drops of ur thoughts, im sorry, sometimes self control is useless.

untitled
Mood:  chillin'
Topic: my poetry
I finally lie down with this pencil in hand. so many thoughts yet words can only express so much. adjectives, verbs, exageration is nothing compared to the actual feeling within. i may talk enought that a person can think they know me yet when they read my poetry my innerself, my life they suddenly feel me as a stranger. my voice can only tell a fraction of what my mind is saying. my head opens up with a pencil in hand. so many thoughts swirling around wishing to be free... escape. a pencil is nearly a paintbrush, words are paint- some brighter than others some dull yet fascinating. i am an artist creating a painting of words, flowing together in a motion of poetry. i am myself. the paper never lies. no one can copy my style for nobody has the same thoughts and feeling as me. i am a poet, an artist, i care and i love. i love with an open heart and write with an open mind, thinking in all my spare time. i care, that is my weakness. i can be dark and hollow or brights full and cheery, yet no matter what i constantly have thoughts running through my head and my heart is always feeling something. i spead and you listen, u think u kno me because u listen to me, but until u read what i write u have no clue. poetry lets the real you shine through. a person's book of rhyms equal nothing in dimes yet more than humanly possible. the best poetry comes from the heart the mind and thy self. it cant be copied like a signature only enjoyed by a person matured enought to realize the truth and feeling a poem carries. as this poet lies down this pencil and places it on the shelf the reader should comprehend that this is my love, my art and my own self.

boundary lines
Mood:  sharp
Topic: GRRRRR!
Love joy happiness sadness, i am overflowing with emotions. thoughts in my head resting on this pillow upon thy bed, swirling every which direction's making me nautious. i am cautious of how closedly one's ears may be listening. i pass a stranger whistling, out for a walk, ppl tlk. they speak truth rumors opinion and fact. so many voices, whom should i believe? I must find out for myself, be my own individual. i am fully aware of their eyes looking at me as if they were spies trying to find any default i have. when i get weak is when they attack, brings me down til i wanna die, but soon i will fly. i will soar higher than the enemy, they will flee to their hiding places. i am smart i know my boundries. they do not. they follow the crowds and light that joint.... i think i just made my point.