The Mental Anguish Of My Life

| VINCE'S POETRY | | Collected Poetry |

| HELLBANE | FRIEND'S PICTURES | FORMAL PICTURES |

Remembering

I trace my scar with

my finger

the slught upwelling

of skin

makes me cry

remembering

when it happened

how it happened

... why it happened

Crime Scene

The carpet gleams

with brightly coloured droplets

of red

blue walls oozing with

crimson handprints

fragments of shattered skull scattered about

the room

untouched hands

sprawled about in add angles

angry, dead

lack of a head

hypothesis

Suicide

Nothing is ever the way that you want it to be.

I know that things aren't bad,

I'm actually doing all right,

But that doesn't matter.

I'm still not happy.

I can't explain why.

Sometimes, you feel empty inside.

Other times you feel like you're jumping out of your skin.

But there is always this feeling that you can't explain,

It makes you hate everything.

Well, maybe not everything,

But it makes you hate yourself.

All I want to do is stop this feeling,

And I start to believe that this isn't any way of stopping it.

There is no way of making things better in life.

Then this idea comes,

this sliver of an idea that makes you wonder,

"What if I did? What if?"

But I know I don't have the guts

And I feel worse because now,

on top of everything,

I am a coward.

So, I wake up and put on a smile.

Like I do everyday

And I hope to "god" that no one notices that it's fake.

I laugh at all the jokes you might have a while ago

And I even smile for pictures.

But when I see the pictures they make me sick

Because I'm so fake and "happy" in them

And I hate yourself for lying to everyone.

And I can't understand how people don't notice that you aren't happy at all.

But I thank "god" that they don't.

I want them to like you,

As if it would help,

But I can never believe that they do,

Who would like someone like me?

And I will live your life thinking that there is nothing good about myself

And that there is no way out,

Well, maybe there is a way out,

But I'm still a coward.

All I know is that no one else in the world is feeling the way that you do,

that there has to be something wrong with me.

All I want to do is escape,

Permanently.

No one would miss me,

And if they did,

They'd get over it.

Distance

When it hurts so bad,

why does it feel so good?

I wish this all made sense,

I wish I understood.

Not having you here with me is tearing me up inside,

but I can't stop thinking about you no matter how hard I try.

You know how I feel about you,

and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,

but it's so hard to do when I can't even be next to you.

Why does it gotta be so complicated?

Loving you feels so right,

but at the same time,

knowing I can't have you keeps me awake at night.

I just want this to be simple,

I just want you here with me,

to look into your eyes,

be held in your arms...then I'd truly be happy.

Right now this distance between us is out of our control,

but I'm still hoping one day soon,

I'll get what I'm wishing for.

Confessions

Silence

Only tears

As I press the blade

Against my pale skin

Red

The blood flows

From the wounds

Echoing my inner pain

Satisfaction

As I feel the knife

Slicing into me

I only deserve pain

Anguish

As I realize what I've done

I feel accomplishment

As I gaze at the marks upon my skin

Stares

People are horrified

Don't understand why

Neither do I

Alone

Am I Alone?

I get a funny feeling,

it comes from deep inside.

I get all mad and angry,

wanting to go and hide.

My doctor calls it depression,

my dad says it's just me.

But the thoughts and feelings,

no one will ever be able to see.

Some say I'm psycho,

some say I'm just weird.

It's like I'm a different person,

and the old me just disappeared.

I get really edgy,

I want to commit suicide real bad.

Then I get a headache,

followed by feeling sad.

I wish I could get help,

I wish it would go away,

...Hopefully someday !

Suicide

I don't know why I did it, I was just fooling around.

I never knew life was so precious, until I hit the ground.

I was mad, I remember I got a knife, I slit my wrists which took my life.

The blood kept flowing, it wouldn't stop, my hair and my clothes were like a mop.

It was the worst kind of feeling, when I made myself die, all I could do was lie there, I couldn't even cry.

I tried it before, although not the same way. I had an overdose, at least that's what they say.

I told no one, I kept it all inside, when I was confronted I sat there and lied.

I never should have done it as you can tell, because I committed suicide,

I shall burn in hell!

Incisions

By Robert Greig ©

-----

Pissed off and angry

"it's been a long day"

shut your damn mouth

I don't need it, ok ?

-----

You've had it bad

or so you claim

and my life, to you

is just a little game.

-----

Take a look

just open the door

to see my mind

in it's own civil war.

-----

I have problems too

in this hell called life

so what do I do ?

I pick up a knife.

-----

Not for suicide

cause I don't wanna die

just need to take away

the pain from inside.

-----

A little cut here

maybe just one more

just a little deeper

opps... my skin tore.

-----

It really doesn't hurt

like you would think

so into addiction

my soul won't sink.

Fuck the world

By Robert Greig ©

-----

Slit your wrist,

let it bleed,

now you know,

how it feels to need.

-----

Watch it now,

let it drip,

darkness rolls,

you start to tip.

-----

Fuck the world,

let it die,

hang the roses,

up to dry.

-----

Never again,

to see the light,

chaos is now,

there is blight.

-----

Sweet suicide,

peace at last,

no more pain,

of my past.

Untitled

By Robert Greig ©

-----

Online,

at work,

at times,

on th outside.

-----

I look fine,

I seem fine,

I feel good,

I have somewhat a positive attitude.

-----

But, inside, alone,

I carry dark and strong thoughts...

thoughts of suicide.

Wish you were here

By Robert Greig ©

-----

I wish you were here,

to watch the sunrise,

and the flowers bloom.

-----

I wish you could hear,

the laughter of children,

and the singing of birds.

-----

I wish you could see,

all that life has to offer,

and love it has to give.

-----

I wish there was a way,

you could come back,

for just one single day.

-----

Then we'd show you,

how much we care,

and the love that burns inside.

Death of a friend

By Robert Greig ©

-----

Suicide claimed my friend one morning

she was so young

she didn't even get to live her life to the fullest

why did she have to do that to herself

-----

she was so full of life and energy

she was so beautiful on the inside and outside

she cared about everyone

she had big plans in life

-----

why did she have to die that way

did she feel any pain before she died

she was the only person I actually care about

I miss her so much

-----

R.I.P, Sara, my friend..

Dead

By Robert Greig ©

-----

I wanted to die last night,

I laid in bed,

And counted the stars,

wanting to slash myself that many times,

I laid in bed wanting to die,

wishing that I had the strength to end my worthless, lonely life.

-----

I traced a line across my wrists,

with a sharp razor blade,

I want to die,

I want to see blood,

my own,

pouring out of me.

-----

Till all my strength is gone,

till I'm dead,

till I'm burried,

and you're smiling.

-----

I hate who I am,

I hate everything about me,

I want to die.

-----

I'm going to,

hell with all this,

all this will stop,

when I'm dead....

Fuck You

By Robert Greig 28th November, 2002©

-----

I can't sleep at night cause I'm thinking of you

Your painful words keep racing through my head

I hate all the pain that your putting me through

I wish those painful words were never said

-----

I was so happy when I was with you

But now we are apart

All I want is for you to love me too

Even though I hate you so much for breaking my heart

-----

Fuck you!

Fake

By Robert greig 28th November, 2002©

-----

On the outside you look real

But your inner self you hide

Your words and actions prove to me

You're not the same inside

-----

You pull the wool over nicely

Doing things for image sake

But there's no way of fooling me

You're just a fucking fake

Reasons

By Robert Greig 28th November, 2002©

-----

I wish I knew just what it was

That makes me love you so

Is it your laugh or just your smile

Perhaps I'll never know

-----

Your love shines like the brightest star

Although my eyes don't see

I know deep down inside my heart

You really do love me

-----

The sweet things that you do for me

Or loving words you say

Go straight deep down inside my heart

Forever there to stay

-----

You never hold the things I do

Against me for too long

You try your best to get us through

Everything that goes wrong

-----

You wait for me no matter what

While holding your love true

All of these things and many more

Are reasons I love you

I Live For You

By Robert Greig 28th November, 2002©

-----

I promise to never

Let you shed a tear

I promise to be there

And take away your fears.

-----

Cause it's for you I'd cry

And it's for you I'd die

So mark my words

Into your heart

For as long as I live

We will never be apart

I live for you.

-----

And your sweet touch

You're the only thing in the world

That I've ever loved so much.

-----

It's your sweet smile

I can see from a mile

And it's your sweet eyes

That sparkle in the skies.

-----

So live with me forever and ever

Because to me,

You're the only thing that matters.

Laughing

By Robert Greig 12th October, 2002 ©

-----

All they do is laugh at me

Do you really want to see me cry

Are you that vein that you don't see

that your making me wanna break down and die.

-----

Maybe one day you'll gain guts

Pick up that knife

And give me more elusive cuts

And maybe even take my worthless life.

-----

Lets climb to the top of that tree

Then tie that rope

Am I something that you see

While smoking that shit you call dope

But on my head-stone when I choke

"He was a troubled child but I swear

No-one ever cared!!"

"Why"

By Robert Greig, 10th October, 2002 ©

-----

You're just a stupid bitch,

Something I wanna get rid of,

Like a fucking itch.

-----

Why do you treat me so bad,

You're not my mother nore my dad.

-----

Am I just something you throw around,

But soon you won't have to worry,

For I'll be six foot underground.

Voices

By Robert Greig, 9th October 2002 ©

-----

In this sanction I like to bleed

I only do it to for-fill their needs

-----

They say as each day goes by

They shall make me break down and cry

-----

But one day it will all stop

As I begin to chop my already scarred wrists

-----

With each twist of this knife

As I begin to take my life

"Remember"

By Robert Greig, 25th September 2002 ©

-----

Unchain the colours before my eyes,

Yesterday's sorrows, tomorrow's white lies.

Scan the horizon, the clouds take me higher,

I shall return from out of fire.

-----

Tears for rememberance, and tears for joy,

Tears for somebody and this lonely boy.

Out in the madness, the all seeing eye,

Flickers above us, to light up the sky.

-----

Unchain the colours before my eyes,

Yesterday's sorrows, tomorrow's white lies.

Scan the horizon, the clouds take me higher,

I shall return from out of fire.

"DEAD"

By Robert Greig 3rd September, 2002 ©

-----

Looking out from this coffin

In which I shall lay

-----

One day you will remember

How I told you that you would pay

-----

Even now people laugh at me

But they clearly see that the carpet

-----

Stains are still red

From the bullet to my head

-----

From that very day

You wished I'd go away

"Tears"

By Robert Greig 30th August, 2002 ©

-----

My sorrows i feel

In this life

You steal

With this knife

In my wrist

-----

I don't see the deal

With each twist

Tears shall fall

I'll teach this stupid bitch

-----

For my life is nothing now

No-one see's me

No-one fucking cares

For my tears

They say

-----

"Are just a problem for this day"

For that those motherfuckers will .....PAY !!!

"Pitiful."

By Robert Greig ©

-----

As I gaze upon the shattered mirror, I stumble upon my reflection.

A reflection of: pain, misery, and tears.

It’s a hurricane of emotions that has built up during the years.

A jagged piece of mirror sticks out of my wrist’ as the blood squirts on my clothes,

I tell myself I can end this life I call hell with a simple twist And that’s what I do.

As I tumble to the ground I say why, why I didn’t have to die.

Could the reason be that no body likes me is because I’m usually high.

I see the puddle of blood forming below me;

“can’t someone see I need help.”

As I gasp for my last breath.

I scream, “please, please someone call 000… oh man what have I done.

From the darkness of my soul comes a response to fill the hole.

“My son you have climbed the final rung to heav'… Hell ha, ha, ha.

Finally, Finally to days later two cops, on their way to the donut store,

smell a faint aroma of death coming from my door.

Later an ambulance arrives and they put a sheet over my head.

But this can’t be, I can’t be dead.

To dread and waste away a life just because you may experience a little strife is not only stupid,

but also pitiful.

"WATCHING"

By Robert Greig ©

-----

Watching you from across the room

sends searing pain through my heart.

I think back about 2 weeks ago,

when I thought we'd never part.

My love for you just won't die down -

it just grows with each new day.

I wish you'd dare to look at me

and hear what I have to say;

"I love you and I want you back - "

but these words you just won't hear.

You don't seem to remember them -

all the memories I hold dear.

You were my first kiss, my first love

*well first real love*

and now you don't even care.

How could you just blow it away?

We were the perfect pair.

you seem content to let me go -

You're doing fine as you are,

while I'm still missing how we were.

We had the best love by far.

SHIT

By Robert Greig ©

-----

I'M SO SCARED

BECAUSE NOBODY CARES

IF I KILLED MY SELF

WOULD YOU GIVE A SHIT?

-----

IT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY

TO SEE ME SUFFER AND DIE

IT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY

IF I CRAWLED AWAY AND DIED

-----

WELL I DONT CARE WHAT YOU WANT

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF ME

I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU

AND I WISH YOU WOULD DIE TOO

YOU'E KILLED ALL MY INSIDES

BURED AND TORTURED MY SOUL

WHAT IS LEFT OF THE PERSON I USED TO BE?

WHEN DID SHE GO AWAY?

-----

THIS IS NOT HOW I WANTED TO BE

I WAS GOING TO BE A NICE TYPE OF GUY

WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ME?

ALL I WANNA DO IS BE NORMAL

-----

YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT

I WANNA FLUSH YOU AWAY

HOW CAN I GET AWAY?

-----

UNINSPIRED

OUT OUF CONTROL

THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE IS

IS IT WORH IT...TO LIVE?

-----

SOME PEOPLE HATE ME

SOME ACT LIKE THEY CARE

I KNOW DEEP DOWN INSIDE

THIS IS SHIT

YOU ARE SHIT

EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO SHIT

"Love?"

By Robert Greig 10th October, 2002 ©

-----

I tell you "I love you",

and you smile and nod.

-----

I wrap my arms around you,

and you brush me off.

-----

I try to hold back the tears as you walk away,

pretending not to hear as I call your name.

-----

I gave you everything...my heart, my love,

and you didn't even notice.

-----

Yet you string me along like a goddamn toy,

this endless tease of love and despise,

this sick little game you play in your head.

-----

I love you, and I hate you,

I wish I had never met you,

I wish you would just fade away...

Call Me

By Nicole Campodonico 28th November, 2001 ©

-----

If one day you feel like crying,

Call me, I don’t promise to make you laugh,

But I can cry with you.

If one day you want to run away,

Call me, I don’t promise to stop you,

But I can run with you.

If one day you don’t feel like talking to anyone,

Call me, I promise to be very quiet.

But if one day you call and there’s no answer,

Come quickly to see me, I might just need you!

Email: mafiarevenge@hotmail.com