When I feel down or mellow I always ask my self this question again and again... Not to rekindle my self but just to get my trust and confidence back in the things, nature and may be in HIM. Holidays always bring those emotions back to me ...maybe that is my insomnia featured nights or just the fact that she is not there anymore with me. May be she was never been there ; do u know how difficult is to make a shadow a reality a figure in our perfect World and then one day it is gone it breaks all our Worlds apart . Both Worlds; one where we live one where we wanna be.. What Love is ? do you know I asked so many people these questions like I usually do when I am weak in my resolve about Him being here and then I get so many philosophical answers and angry mutes that I give up and think like if so many people are saying he is there so may be he is. Once I read a verse from a sufi stating that " when you want to destroy ..destroy everything you dont trust whether its a religious shrine or a prayer place but never ever destroy a persons heart as GOD lives there". What beautiful words ...people found GOD in them and I found Love in them. Thats what Love is ... You have to live in it you have to experience it to remember how alive you are. No matter what end awaits us but the main thing the destiny in our lives is the fate we meet when we feel it ; the majestic touch the feeling as one of my friends wrote me some days back to remind me what love is and it shook my disbeliefs away for long " I live , breathe , eat love and I love him to death " may be insane words for some of you but look in your hearts if you have that place still empty you gotta fill it my friends because without it this World is nothing but stock market_ where you trade every day and loose or win for a sleep over. Long time ago one another being reminded me what love is ...a few years back out of my mind I decided to have my cat declawed when she came back to my home she was in pain I could feel her pain I could feel my heart ripped in pieces. In the night when I lay trying to pat her and tears flowing on my cheeks in regret what I had done , "Sneakers" my cat caressed me with her declawed hand as if saying dont worry I still love you ; I always love you no matter what. She was right she is still with me after so many years. Love is blind ; you cant control it ...I tried these days but I cant . I can hide it , I try on some extent it works. One of my wise friends wrote me if you care for some one so much that you know they are not happy with you or maybe they are better with some one else how to let them go is the strongest act of courage you will ever do in your life .But..!! how I can let her go ...I always remember my friends word " you have to make them hate you then only they will let you go" is it possible ? I dont know I still dont have courage and pain endurance to do that I am still trying. I am still in quest of the perfect words that could explain or answer my question .I think this will be a long tiring search but may be someday I will know. Now I am just learning how to let go..its not easy believe me after so many sleepless nights and negative vibes around me I try not to write any thing , any poem or any story or even any email as my emotions will spill on you I don’t want that. Its just like the text messaging long time ago I had a phone I could send her text messages knowing she will read them but couldn’t answer as her phone had no sent option. There was a soothing calm that yes my messages are going there making her smile maybe. Now…she has another phone and now when I don’t get answers from her it breaks my heart in anticipation why my message go unreplied …see how expectations change from something to anything. Negative vibes they are also in themselve makers or destroyers or ones being or one’s emotions. Are you a fighter ? another paradox of our lives having another clue to my question “ What love is..?” . Some say if you know she is the one don’t ever let her go “fight “ for her .. I don’t know I ask if I fight how I will learn to let go ? may be she is the one for me but may be I am not the one for her ? How could I fight a war where there is no enemy then myself. I don’t want to fight my self as if I am not the one for her then may be I am not the one for myself too. I cant fight . I never fight as I never hate . May be that’s the reason I have to let her go in every life and suffer but atleast I know that I did it for her .Do you agree ? tell me I will be waiting.. Everytime when I have doubts about her I suffer . Every time when she is sick or not feeling well I cant eat .Every time when I see I am overcrowding her I let her go in silence. Still knowing that without her every second every tiny moment I am crucifying myself but I don’t want to be there where I don’t belong. May be I am confusing thoughts between a relationship and love. But if I have been a rebel whole my life why I have to follow the rituals if I love her I have to tell her I love her why I have to hide it till the day she will be ready to experience the fact. Why ..I have to show being jealous to prove my love. What is jealousy? I don’t know ..its far difficult thing to experience.May be one day when she will walk away from me then I will regret that I was not jealous enough to show her my resolve. Is there any tragedy other then being in love and still suffer the pain .May be not but this pain take my words worth then any other treasure in the World or even universe. Remember the words? One said longtime ago that “ a touch of her worth loosing my immortality “ .May be that’s my answer ?. Many many years ago when I fell in love with Victoria , world came to a standstill we enjoyed our time till the fate took her away . I never learnt to let her go ..how can I let this one go then ..I waited so many years …so many nights for her… Is there a way out of the question , I don’t know .but still every breath every heartbeat remind me of her . I cant sleep …as nights remind me of her .I cant cry as tears just remind me when we cried together. I cant run because I am tired of running away . I still trying to find the answers but for the time being my love is in eyes of small little angels whose smiles keep me alive . Love is in the eyes of mothers who cry to think of their babies at home and they have to work till 5 to make ends meet and then hug their precious ones. For me love is every sip of vodka that goes into me and makes me a “better” man then before …. Knowing some day I will find the answers and may be her..