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The following passages are unauthored by me.I received them in various emails and I have placed them for your leisurely pleasure. How may we salute them? ------------------------------- Our millions hats off to them ! -------------------------------
================================= ============================= 60 Ways To Keep Your Wife's Love ============================= 1- Make her feel secure- dont joke about divorcing her, this will put a hole in your marriage. 2- Always greet her whenever you arrive 3- Your wife is a fragile vessel so take care of her- In this vessel there is a lot of goodness so treat her in a gentle manner. 4- Advice her in privacy and the best timing. Dont advice her in the presence of others, it can be a type of humility 5- Be generous with her 6- Move out of your way for her, when shes coming to sit get up and let her sit on your seat tell her: sit here honey I warmed up the seat for you 7- Avoid anger. 8- Look good for her and smell great. 9- Dont be rigid, you will broken- just because you are a man doesnt mean you have to be harsh hearted 10- Be a good listener 11- Say yes for flattering and no for arguing. 12- Call your wife with the best names she likes to hear. 13- Surprise her secretly. Example: Bring her a watermelon when its not the season of watermelons. Pick and choose in surprising her, be an artist in surprising her pleasantly 14- Preserve the tongue 15- Accept her shortcomings/ everyone has one 16- Show your appreciation to her 17- Encourage her to be in touch with her kin relations 18- Speak topics of her interest. 19- Speak of her goodness in the presence of others 20- Shower her with gifts. The Prophet Muhammad said: give gifts and youll love each other Its doesnt matter how cheap or expensive the gift is, its the thought that counts! 21- Get rid of the same old routine once in a while, scrub the rust. Example: Buy her ticket to a vacation cruise or something that she will enjoy. 22- Think good of her 23- Ignore some of the words/actions you dont like 24- Add a drop of patience- It can go a long way- Example: at her time of pregnancy, mensesetc 25- Expect and respect her jealousy. 26- Be humble 27- Dont put a price on her happiness. 28- Help her around household chores just like Prophet Muhammad did. 29- You cant force her to love her in laws, but help her respect and love your parents. 30- Show her that she is an ideal wife; each and every wife is an ideal wife in many ways, so make her feel that. 31- Make duaa (pray) for her and always remember her in your Prayers. 32- Leave her past to ALLAH (GOD) 33- Dont show her that you are doing favors by doing your duties 34- Satan is your enemy NOT your wife! 35- When eating, dont only feed yourself, feed her TOO! - Not only does it go to the stomach but to the heart too. 36- Look at her as a precious pearl, treat her and take care of her like a precious pearl 37- Speaking of pearls show her YOUR pearls SMILE! . Dont put your smile out-of-service when you reach home! Dont be rigid, smiling is Sadaqah (Sadaqah (plural sadaqat) (Arabic: صدقة, IPA: [sˤɒdqɒh]) is an Islamic term that means "voluntary charity". Prescribed charity collected or received for public welfare is known as Zakat.This concept encompasses any act of giving out of compassion, love or generosity (e.g. famine appeals). 38- Dont hold grudges. Deal with the littlest matters and dont ignore them, it will build up and will create a wall between you and your wife. 39- Avoid being harsh hearted and moody. 40- Respect her thinking; her thinking strengthens you. 41- Help her discover/develop her skills and her success within 42- Respect the boundaries of the intimate relationship- its a fragile matter. 43- Help her with the children; its not only her job its yours too! 44- Complement her! give her the gifts of the tongues 45- Dont be a stranger to her meals, know your wifes meals, and eat her food. 46- Let her know when you are traveling dont just disappear, and also let her know about your arrival. 47- When arguments arise, deal with it and dont run away from it. 48- Dont share your home secrets with your friends. Keep your privacy, and dont make it a garage sale. 49- Encourage each other to worship/obey ALLAH (GOD) Go for umrah (pilgrimage) together; listen to a lecture/recitation. 50- Engrave her rights in your heart and in your conscious 51- Treat her with kindness through happiness and sorrow 52- Dont jump on your wife like a ball!, in fact polish your love with many kisses- A kiss is a messenger- alqubulah rasool 53- When disputes happen between you and your wife, dont go and share it with the whole world. Dont leave your wounds open for the germs 54- Show her that you care for her health. 55- Dont think that you are right all the time!-No one Is perfect but Allah (God) 56- Share you happiness and sorrow with her. 57- Have mercy on her. 58- Be the shoulder she can lean on! 59- Accept her as she is, shes a bent rib so dont try to straighten it. *Side note: A dear friend once said: a bent rib cannot be straightened, and in fact the beauty of it lies within its curve! 60- Have good intentions for your wife. 60 Ways to Keep Your Husband's Love 1. Behave like a female, i.e. all the tenderness of a femalea man doesn't want a man for his wife! 2. Dress pleasantly/attracti vely. If you are a home -maker, don't stay in your sleeping suit all day. 3. Smell good! 4. Don't lay out all your problems on your husband as soon as he walks in. Give him a little mental break. 5. Don't keep asking him, "What are you thinking?" 6. Stop nagging non-stop before unless Allah (God) gives you something really to complain about. 7. Absolutely no talking about your spousal problems to anyone you meet, not even under the pretense of seeking help! If you think you want to solve legitimate marital issues, then go seek counseling with the right person who can give advice in either: 8. Be kind to your mother-in-law the same way you would like your husband to be kind to your own mother. 9. Learn all the rights and obligations of each other in Islam. Focus on fulfilling your obligations, not demanding your rights 10. Race to the door when he comes home, as if you were waiting for him. Smile and hug him. 11. Keep your house clean, at least to the level that he wants it. 12. Compliment him on the things you know he's not so confident about (looks, intelligence, etc.) This will build his self-esteem. 13. Tell him he's the best husband ever. 14. Call his family often. 15. Give him a simple task to do at home and then thank him when he does it. This will encourage him to do more. 16. When he's talking about something boring, listen and nod your head. Even ask questions to make him think you're interested. 17. Encourage him to do good deeds. 18. If he's in a bad mood, give him some space. He'll get over it, inshaAllah (God willing). 19. Thank him sincerely for providing you with food and shelter. It's a big deal. 20. If he's angry with you and starts yelling, let him yell it out while you're quiet. You will see your fight will end a lot faster. Then when he's calm, you can tell him your side of the story and how you want him to change something. 21. When you're mad at him, don't say "YOU make me furious", rather, "This action makes me upset". Direct your anger to the action and circumstance rather than at him. 22. Remember that your husband has feelings, so take them into consideration. 23. Let him chill with his friends without guilt, especially if they're good guys. Encourage him to go out, so he doesn't feel "cooped up" at home. 24. If your husband is annoyed over a little thing you do (and you can control it), then stop doing it. Really 25. Learn how to tell him what you expect without him having to guess all the time. Learn to communicate your feelings. 26. Don't get mad over small things. It's not worth it. 27. Make jokes. If you're not naturally funny, go on the internet and read some jokes, and then tell them to him. 28. Tell him you're the best wife ever and compliment yourself on certain things you know you're good at. 29. Learn to make his favorite dish. 30. Don't ever, EVER talk bad about him with friends or family unnecessarily. If they end up agreeing with you, you will see that it hits you back in the face because you get more depressed that you have a bad husbandand other people also think you have a bad husband. 31.. Use your time wisely and get things accomplished. If you're a home-maker, take online classes and get active in your community. This will make you happy and a secondary bonus is that it impresses your husband. 32. Do all of the above feel sabeelillah and you will see Allah (God) put barakah (good luck) in everything you do. 33. Husband and wife should discuss and communicate with wisdom with each other to convey what they like and dislike of each other to do or not to do. Do NOT give commands or instructions like he's your servant. "They are garment to each other" [Surah Baqarah, 2:187] 34. Tell your husband you love him, many, many times. Aisha, radiallahu anha, narrated that the Prophet Muhammad, used to ask her how strong was her love for him, she said like "a knot." And the next time he would ask her, "How is that knot?" He also used to reply to her saying, "Jazzakillah, O Aishah, wallahi, you have not rejoiced in me as I have rejoiced in you." 35. Have a race with your husband and let him win, even if you are much fitter and stronger than him. 36. Keep fit and take care of your health so you will remain a strong mother, wife, cook and housekeeper, InshaALLAH (GOD) you will not get FAT and frumpy.. 37. Refine and cultivate good mannerisms i.e do not whine, don't laugh or talk too loud or walk like an elephant. 38. Do not leave the house without his permission and certainly not without his knowledge. 39. Make sure all his clothes are clean and pressed so he is always looking fresh and crisp. 40. Don't discuss important/controver sial matters with him when he is tired or sleepy. Find right time for right discussion. 41. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. 42. Always let him know that you appreciate him working and bringing home the "dough". It makes it easier for him to go to work. 43. Make sure you ALWAYS have something for dinner. 44. Brush your hair, everyday. 45. Don't forget to do laundry. 46. Surprise him with gifts. Even necessities, such as new shoes, can be gifts. 47. Listen to him. (Even when he talks about extremely boring things like basketball or computers.) 48. Try (hard as it might be) to take interest in his hobbies 49. Try not to go shopping too much and spend all his money. 50. Look attractive and be seductive towards him. Flirt with him. 51. Learn tricks and "techniques" to please your husband in intimacy. (Of course goes both ways.) 52. Prepare for special evenings with him with special dinner and exclusive time (no children permitted).. 53. Take care of your skin, especially your face. The face is center of attraction. 54. If you are not satisfied intimately, talk to him and tell him. Help him or provide resources, don't wait until matters become worse. 55. Ask Allah (God) to strengthen and preserve the bonds of compassion and love between the two of you, every day, every prayer. Ask him to protect that bond from satan. When a lesser devil destroys the love between spouses, he is the most beloved of satan. Nothing works like du'ah (prayer), and love only exists between spouses where Allah (God) instills it. 56. Don't EVER compare your husbands to other husbands! For example don't say, "Well her husband doesn't do that, why do you " (thats a killer!) 57. Be happy with what you have because no one is perfect. If you want perfection, wait until you enter Jannah (heaven) together inshaAllah (God willing)and of course, vice versa! 58. Strive for Allah (God)'s love first and foremost! if all wives try to seek Allah (God)'s love and pleasure, surely, they can keep their husbands love too. And rememberif Allah (God) loves you, the angels will love you, and the entire creation will love you. 59. If you pack a lunch for your husband to take to work, from time to time, sneak in a little love note or sweet poem. If he doesn't take a lunch, leave the note somewhere else for him to find, like in his briefcase, or wallet or on the car steering-wheel 60. Pray together (Wake him up for Qiyam ul-Layl (in the last third of the night) and ask him to pray with you.) (Above is written by a Muslim, hence references to Allah (God), Prophet Muhammad and Holy Quran (the Holy book of Muslims with a little editing by me. Adopt what you can to make your marriage a success ==============END===================== ====================== 10 Amazing Coincidences ====================== What's in a Name? A computer error gave two women in America called Patricia the same social security number. When the two women were brought together in an office to rectify the blunder they discovered that They had both been born with the names Patricia Ann Campbell Both of their fathers were called Robert Campbell Their birthdays were on 13th March 1941 They had both married military men in the year 1959 (within eleven days of each other) They each had two children aged 19 and 21 They both had an interest in oil painting Both had studied cosmetics Both had worked as book-keepers ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- Bullet With Your Name on It In 1893, Henry Ziegland ended a relationship with his girlfriend. Tragically, his girlfriend took the news very badly, became distraught and took her own life. Her distressed brother blamed his sister's death upon Henry, he went round to Henry's house, saw him out in the garden and tried to shoot him. Luckily, the bullet only grazed Henry's face and embedded itself in a nearby tree. In 1913, twenty years after this incident, Henry decided to use dynamite to uproot a tree in his garden. The explosion propelled the embedded bullet from the tree straight into Henry Ziegland's head - killing him immediately. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- Lucky Hughs? On December 5th 1660, a ship sank in the straights of Dover - the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams. On 5th December 1767, another ship sank in the same waters - 127 lost their lives, the only survivor was noted to be Hugh Williams On 8th August 1820, a picnic boat capsized on the Thames - there was one survivor - Hugh Williams. On 10th July 1940, a British trawler was destroyed by a German mine - only two men survived, one man and his nephew - they were both called Hugh Williams. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- With a Quack Quack Here Mr McDonald was a farmer who lived in Canada - nothing extra-ordinary in that - until you learn that his postcode contained the letter sequence EIEIO. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- 'Til Death Did Them Part In 1996, Paris police set out to investigate a late night, high speed car crash, both drivers had been killed instantly. Investigations revealed that the deceased were in fact man and wife. Police initially suspected some kind of murder or suicide pact but it became apparent that the pair had been separated for several months - neither could have known that the other would have been out driving that night - it was just a terrible coincidence. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- She's Behind You! Michael Dick had been travelling around the UK with his family to track down his daughter, Lisa - who he had lost contact with ten years earlier. After a long fruitless search, he approached the Suffolk Free Press, who agreed to help him by putting an appeal in their newspaper. Fortunately, his long lost daughter saw the appeal and the pair were reunited. The odd thing was, his daughter had been right behind him when the free paper took the photograph - shown in the photograph above. What are the chances of that! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- Licensed To Thrill A fifteen year old pupil at Argoed High School in North Wales was to sit his GCSE examinations in 1990. His name was James Bond - his examination paper reference was 007. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- What Goes Around. In 1965, at the age of four, Roger Lausier was swimming off a beach in Salem - he got into difficulties and was saved from drowning by a woman called Alice Blaise. In 1974, on the same beach, Roger was out on a raft when he pulled a drowning man from the water - amazingly, the man he saved was Alice Blaise's husband. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- Lightning Never Strikes Twice? British cavalry officer Major Summerford was fighting in the fields of Flanders in the last year of WW1, a flash of lightning knocked him off his horse and paralysed him from his waist down. He moved to Vancouver, Canada, six years later, whilst out fishing, Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again and the right side of his body became paralysed. After two years of recovery, it was a summers day and he was out in a local park, a summer storm blew up and Major Summerfield was struck by lightning again - permanently paralysing him. He died two years after this incident. However, four years after his death, his stone tomb was destroyed - it was struck by lightning! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- Practice What You Preach Businessman Danie de Toit made a speech to an audience in South Africa - the topic of his speech was - watch out because death can strike you down at any time. At the end of his speech, he put a peppermint in his mouth, and choked to death on it! ====================END============== ================= How to Catch a LION ================= Newton 's Method: ---------------------------- Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies you caught lion. Einstein Method: ----------------------- Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily. Indian Police Method: ------------------------------- Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion. Rajnikanth Method : ----------------------------- Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself. Jayalalitha Method: --------------------------- Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping ! Manirathnam Method (director): ------------------------------ Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted. Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide. Karan Johar Method (director): ------------------------------ Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other. Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion. First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest. You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont! Yash Chopra method (director): ----------------------------- Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location. Govinda method: ------------------------ Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. Menaka Gandhi method: ------------------------------------ Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously. George bush method: ------------------------------- Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!! Rahul Dravid s method: ---------------------------------- Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run Lion tired and surrenders Software Engineer Method: ----------------------------------------- Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion. ================END============ ============== Lessons in Logic ============== If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity. ..................................................................................... .... I was born intelligent - education ruined me. ..................................................................................... ..... Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect....... so why practice? ..................................................................................... .... If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? ..................................................................................... .... Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak. ..................................................................................... .... How come "abbreviated" is such a long word? ..................................................................................... .... Money is not everything.. There's Mastercard & Visa. ..................................................................................... .... One should love animals. They are so tasty. ..................................................................................... .... Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. ..................................................................................... .... Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. ..................................................................................... ..... The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise. ..................................................................................... ..... Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. ..................................................................................... .... Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. ..................................................................................... .... "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep ..................................................................................... .... There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning ..................................................................................... .... "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk ..................................................................................... ..... "Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours ..................................................................................... ..... God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. ..................................................................................... .... The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So... why learn. ..................................................................................... ........ A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........ __._,_.___ ============================ Interesting Facts one should Know!!! ============================ 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand . And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'MT. ? (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes) . (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e I O U) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes . A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!) Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.. The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Now you know more than you did before =================END==================== ==================== ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER ===================== Ever wonder about the abbreviation of A. S. A. P. ? Generally we think in terms of even more hurry and stress in our lives. If we think of this abbreviation in a different manner, we may begin to find a new way to deal with those rough days along the way. ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER Theres work to do, deadlines to meet Youve got no time to spare. But as you hurry and scurry ASAP ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER In the midst of family chaos, quality time is rare. Do your best; let God do the rest ASAP ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER It may seem like your worries are more than you can bear. Slow down and take a breather ASAP ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER God knows how stressful life can be and wants to ease our cares. Hell respond to all your needs ASAP ALWAYS SAY A PRAYER Today Im saying a little prayer that God will send a smile to you and send you special blessings through everything you have to do. ===================================== ======================== Charli Chaplin's 3 Statements:- ======================== 1st Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles 2nd I like walking in the rain, because nobody can see my tears 3rd Important The most wasted day in life, is, the day, in which, we have not laughed ========================================== =============== ========================= We have 3 stupid stages of life ========================= [1] Teen age: Have Time + Energy but No Money [2] Working Age: Have Money + Energy but No Time [3] Old age: Have Time + Money but no Energy. =================END============== ================== The secret of marriage. ================== When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want? Dumas I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Sigmund Freud 'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' 'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.' Sam Kinison 'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.' James Holt McGavra Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.... Nash You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Anonymous My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Henny Youngman A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' Anonymous First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' Anonymous =========================================== ======= Attitude =================================== 1. Lost his job 2. Got defeated for legislature 3. Started business and failed 4. Wife died of a fatal disease 5. Experienced nervous breakdown 6. Contested in election for speaker in legislature and lost 7. Tried for nomination in a political party and lost 8. Applied for post of land officer and didnt get it 9. Contested for senate and lost 10. Contested for vice president and lost 11. Again contested for senate and lost AND TWO YEARS LATER.. GOT ELECTED AS PRESIDENT OF AMERICA ABRAHAM LINCOLN ===================END==================== =============================== =================== INTERESTING STUFF =================== Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. ------------------------------------------- The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ------------------------------------------- Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury. ------------------------------------------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------------------------------------- Coca-Cola was originally green. --------------------------------- ---------- It is impossible to lick your elbow.. ------------------------------------------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska ------------------------------------------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ------------------------------------------- The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? A. Their birthplace ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?< /B> A. Obsession ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? A.. One thousand ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All were invented by women. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day ------------------------------------------------------------ In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by th is practice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when... 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2.. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to f orward this message. 14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.. 15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list. =================END================= ============================= Funny full forms of Big Companies ============================ 1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT 2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output 3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses 4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions 5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems 6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping 7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds 8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines 9.. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly 10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors 11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings 12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible 13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort 14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers 15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go 17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd. 18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India 19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees. 20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana 21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques, No ============================================= ========== Matrimonial ------------------ A news paper had a humour page with following matrimonials published in it. ======================================== BANKER: Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service. CAR MECHANIC: Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average. DOCTOR: Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply. DRUNKER: Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alchoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preffered will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample. LAWYER: I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord I.e. Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. SOFTWARE ENGINEER: Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities). There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. LowBugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She Must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer. ===============end========================= ================================== PATNI CHALISA ============= Namo-namo patni maharani, tumhari mahima koi na jani... || 1 || Hamne samjha tum abla ho, par tumto sabse badi bala ho... || 2 || Jis din haath me belana aawe, Uss din PATI khub chillave.... || 3 || Saare bed pe PATNI sove, PATI baith farsh par rove.... || 4 || Tumse hi ghar MATHURA KASI, aur tumse hi ghar Satyanasi... . || 5 || PATNI CHALISA jo nar gave, sab sukh chhod param dukh paave..... || 6 || ================================= ========================= The Basics of RSS By Werner Schamberger (c) 2007 What is RSS? ========================= You probably have seen this three-letter acronym in the course of your internet surfing. RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication or Rich Site Summary; syndicating means republishing an article that comes from another source such as a website. A RSS feed is a means of publicizing updates about websites. It may or may not include a summary and photos of the latest posting. But those that provide summaries (thus Rich Site Summary) allow users to skim through the article so that they can decide later on if they want to access the website source. The RSS feed usually contains the title of the update originating from the website. It is also usually the link to the website source. What are the Benefits of RSS? RSS provides benefits to both readers (users) and web publishers. 1. It gives you the latest updates. Whether it is about the weather, new music, software upgrade, local news, or a new posting from a rarely-updated site, you can learn about the latest as soon as it comes out. 2. It saves on surfing time. Since an RSS feed provides a summary of the related article, it saves the user's time by helping s/he decide on which items to prioritize when reading or browsing the net. 3. It gives the power of subscription to the user. Users are given a free-hand on which websites to subscribe to in their RSS aggregators which they can change at any time they decide differently. 4. It lessens the clutter in your inbox. Although your email address will be required to enjoy the services of online RSS aggregators, RSS does not use your email address to send the updates. 5. It is spam free. Unlike email subscriptions, RSS does not make use of your email address to send updates thus your privacy is kept safe from spam mails. 6. Unsubscribing is hassle-free. Unlike email subscriptions where the user is asked questions on why s/he is unsubscribing and then the user is asked to confirm unsubscribing, all you have to do is to delete the RSS feed from your aggregator. 7. It can be used as an advertising or marketing tool. Users who subscribe to or syndicate product websites receive the latest news on products and services without the website sending spam mail. This is advantageous to both the web user and the website owner since advertising becomes targeted; those who are actually interested in their products are kept posted. What are the Drawbacks of RSS? The disadvantages of RSS stem from user-preference concerns and the fact that it is a new technology. 1. Some users prefer receiving email updates over an RSS feed. 2. Graphics and photos do not appear in all RSS feeds. For conciseness and ease of publication, RSS feeds do not display the photos from the original site in announcing the update except for some web-based aggregators. 3. The identity of the source website can be confusing. Since RSS feeds do not display the actual URL or name of the website, it can sometimes get confusing on what feed a user is actually reading. 4. Publishers cannot determine how many users are subscribed to their feed and the frequency of their visits. Moreover, they do not know the reasons why users unsubscribe which could be important in improving their advertising. 5. RSS feeds create higher traffic and demands on the server. Most readers still prefer the whole update over a brief summary of the entry, thus they still access the site. 6. Since it is a new technology, many sites still do not support RSS. How Do I Start Using RSS? There are two things needed: an RSS feed and an RSS aggregator or reader. The RSS feed comes from an RSS-supported website. There are also websites that provide a list of RSS feeds from different websites. An RSS aggregator is used to read the RSS feed from the source website. It scans and collects data on the latest RSS feeds from the worldwide web. An aggregator comes in two forms: a downloadable program, also known as a desktop aggregator, and an online or web-based aggregator. Downloadable aggregators may require payment before they can be acquired, while internet-based aggregators are usually free of charge. All you need to do is to register an account and you are ready to use their services. Both versions allow you to customize, or choose, which RSS feeds to enter. Paid aggregators are usually chosen by more experienced users and they usually allow more freedom in customizing feeds. 1. Choose an RSS aggregator to use. For beginners, web-based aggregators are recommended since they are usually user- friendly. 2. Scan the homepage of your target website for the RSS or XML button. It contains the RSS code you need to enter in the aggregator. Copy this code. Syndic8 (http://www.syndic8.com/) provides a directory of websites that support RSS. 3. Paste the code (which contains the URL of the website) in your aggregator. There is a space provided for pasting the code. After you have done these three easy steps, you can start reading the RSS feeds coming from the website. New postings appear as they are published in real time at the source website. RSS and Internet Marketing The original idea of RSS came from Netscape, where the intention was to provide a means for users to customize their personal homepages with links to websites that were of interest to them, similar to bookmarking websites. The application of RSS to internet marketing was an unforeseen development to RSS technology developers. Since users are given the freedom to add RSS feeds to their aggregators, those who are interested in particular products and services available on the internet can now be notified real time. Marketing becomes more specific to interested people and not a hit-and-miss operation. Medium to big-scale companies who intend to use RSS for marketing their products and services should consider linking up with email account providers, (e.g. Yahoo, MSN, Google mail); networking websites (e.g. Friendster, Multiply, My Space, Hi5); websites of newspapers and television network websites (e.g. New York Times, CNN). Smaller companies can also look at networking websites as well as personal blog websites (e.g. Blogspot) and websites of clubs and organizations that would probably make use of their products or services e.g. a fishing supplies store can look for the website of their local fishing club for possible RSS marketing. Clearly, RSS is an innovation in worldwide web information management as well as online marketing. We can expect better RSS technology in the not-so-distant future as its popularity increases among users and website owners alike. ====================================================== ========== Werner Schamberger is CEO of http://www.homework-online.ws and http://www.best-articles-online.info. He is an entrepreneur and author. ---------------------------- ================== ARTICLE START ================== There are many ways in which you can create a blog, the easiest being to use a blog host such as Blogger or Wordpress.com. Using these, you can create your blog on any topic you want and even customize it to suit your needs to a certain extent. I say `to a certain extent' since no blog that is operated from a blog host's website can ever be truly yours, and you consequently have limited control over the design and occasionally even the content of your blog. That is because neither the software needed to manage the blog, nor the files that hold your content, are contained on your website, but on that of somebody else. That `somebody else' is either the operator of Blogger or of Wordpress, or whatever blogging host you happen to be using. So what does that mean to you in practise? I have no intention of going over the pros and cons of the hosted versions of Wordpress and Blogger, and have provided a link on my website that provides that information for you, but it should be clear to anybody that if you host your own blog from your own website, you have much more control and latitude in the design, formatting and content of your blog. It is not difficult to upload Wordpress to your website and run it from there. You can then upload any number of the multitude of plugins and templates available to enable you to design your blog in any way you want. You can change the appearance and content not only of your navbar, but can use html to change practically every aspect of your blog to suit your needs. The question you will be asking is how you get Wordpress onto your own website. It is easier than you think. Wordpress.org provides the software, and you have to upload it to your website into a directory of your choice. The easiest way is to use an ftp client, and you can get information on good free ftp software on my website or blog. You then have one or two alterations to make to some of the files and you are done. You have a blog that you can change to suit your own needs without any of the restrictions that are imposed by the Wordpress website. You can change the template to any of the thousands on offer online, either free or paid, and you can also use software to design your own or to customize the templates to your own design. You can change the whole look and feel of your blog, and offer whatever links that you feel necessary. You can put whatever adverts on your blog that you want, including Adsense blocks, and use your blog to make you money. Creating a blog is easy, and if you know how to create a blog exactly as you want it, then you will have a great tool at your disposal that you can use to promote any product you want, and also to make direct sales, either of products or of advertising. There are many ways in which you can use your blog either to promote products or to earn money through advertising. You have few restrictions when operating a Wordpress blog from your own website; all you have to know is how to do it. Once you know how to create a bog on your own site, you can harness the power of blogs to achieve what want to achieve with your website. There are few limits and your imagination will be your major asset, so use it. About The Author: To learn bow to create a blog on your own website and how to use your blogs to make money, check out Pete's website http://www.create-a-blog.net where you will not only be given useful tips, but also links to websites that can help you. ============================ [1] હશે કારણ કોઈ બીજું કે હું લથડી ગયો હોઈશ, હકીકતમાં તો હું પીતો નથી પણ પી ગયો હોઈશ ! - જલન માતરી [2] અમને તો મહોબ્બત છે પછી તારી જે મરજી ટપલી કે તમાચો હો અમે ગાલ ધર્યો, લે ! - મરીઝ [3] શોકનો માર્યો તો મરશે ન તમારો ઘાયલ હર્ષનો માર્યો મરી જાય તો કહેવાય નહીં ! - અમૃત ઘાયલ [4] નૈન ભીના, શ્વાસ ઊના એટલે થઈ જાય છે, કોઈ પણ ખાનું ઉઘાડો, એમનો કાગળ હશે ! - કીર્તિ વાઘેલા [5] જીવનનો અર્થ આવ ! કાનમાં કહું તને, પહેલો પુરુષ એક વચનની એ શોધ છે ! - શોભિત દેસાઈ [6] અમારા દોસ્તનો જરા આ પ્યાર જોઈ લો, જનાજો નીકળ્યો ત્યારે દિલાસો આપવા આવ્યા ! - આશિત હૈદરાબાદી [7] જમાનાના બધા પુણ્યો જમાનાને મુબારક હો, હું પરખું પાપને મારા, મને એવા નયન દેજે ! - નાઝિર દેખૈયા [8] વિતાવી મેં વિરહની રાત તારાં સ્વપ્ન જોઈને, કરૂં શું મારી પાસે એક પણ તારી છબી નહોતી ! - બરકત વિરાણી બેફામ [9] ભૂલથી પણ એ ભાવ તો પૂછે, આખે આખી દુકાન આપી દઉં ! - ઉદયન ઠક્કર [10] નજર લાગી જવાનો જેમને ડર હોય છે નૂરી હું બંધ આંખો કરીને એમના દર્શન કરી લઉં છું ! - મૂસા યુસુફ નૂરી [11] મન ઘણી વાર અકારણ ઉદાસ પણ લાગે, નર્યા એકાંતનો ખુદને ય ભાર પણ લાગે ! - ડૉ. રશીદ મીર [12] સતત ફરતા રહે છે ચક્રના પૈડાની ઝડપે સૌ, અહીંયા ઘૂમવાનો અર્થ માણસ એટલે માટી ! - મનોજ ખંડેરિયા [13] જીવનનાં બધાં પાપ જે ધોઈ નાખે, નયન પાસ એવું રૂદન માગવું છે ! - મુકબિલ કુરેશી [14] સહન કરેલ તમાચા સમાજના છે અમીન અમારા ગાલ ફક્ત કુદરતી જ લાલ નથી ! - અમીન આઝાદ [15] હું મારા ઘરમાં રહી ખુદ મને મળી ન શકું, ખુદા કોઈને કદી એમ લા-પતા ન કરે ! - નૂર પોરબંદરી [16] ભલે દેખાવમાં ભોળાં અને નિર્દોષ લાગે પણ, મચાવ્યા છે ઘણા દિલમાં ઘણા તોફાન ફૂલોએ ! - અજ્ઞાત [17] પગલાં પૂજાય એવું ગમન હોવું જોઈએ, સમજાય છે કે કેવું જીવન હોવું જોઈએ ? - રતિલાલ અનિલ [18] કથા બે દિલની જુદી છે જે કહેવામાં નથી હોતી, અલગ છે મૌનની ભાષા, જે લખવામાં નથી હોતી ! - ચંદ્રા જાડેજા [19] યુવાની ગઈ છતાં પણ એ જીવન શણગાર લાગે છે, કળી કરમાઈ ગઈ છે, તો ય ખુશબૂદાર લાગે છે ! - આસિમ રાંદેરી [20] અંધને આંખો મળે એ રીતથી મળ્યા તમે, ચાંદ બદલે આજ તમને તાકવાનું મન હતું ! ========================== આદમથી શેખાદમ સુધી_ શેખાદમ આબુવાલા ========================= સત્તા એક પતંગિયું ખુરશી પર બેઠું હતું સામે કરોડો હાથીઓ ધ્રુજતા ઉભા હતા. પેન્શન ડેરીફાર્મની સામે એક ગાય વાગોળે દૂધનાં બિલો જુનાં.. પ્રાર્થના એક ઉંદર પ્રાથના કરતો હતો ! હે પ્રભુ આખો હિમાલય ચીઝનો થઈ જાય તો તારા ચરણમાં પાંચ શ્રીફળ ચીઝનાં, નાઇટ_લવ બેવફા સૂરજથી કંટાળીને ઘૂવડોએ રાત સાથે પ્રીત બાંધી. સિંહાવલોકન ગીરમાંથી આવેલા મારા એક મહેમાને પ્રાણી ઘરના પિંજરમાં પહેલી વાર જિવનમાં મારી સાથે સિંહ જોયો. કાગવાણી એક કાગડો ઊડી હંસની કને પહોંચ્યો, હાથ જોડી એ બોલ્યો: ઓળખ્યો મને કાકા, હું તમારો ભત્રીજો ! ગર્દભ _ખેડાણ દોડ્યા દોડયા દોડ્યા ખંભાતથી ખેડા બની શકયા ના બની શકયા ના બની શકયા ના ઘોડા કદી ગધેડા. ઇચ્છા એક ઉંદરે જઈને હાથીને કહ્યું : સાથી આજ બીજું કંઇ નહીં તો તારું દર મને દેખાડ. મચ્છર મોજીલો એક મચ્છર ફલીટના શાવર બાથમાં મોજીલા મૂડમાં નહાતો હતો ગાતો હતો મેલેરિયાનું એક ગીત. ગૌ પ્રશ્ન દૂધ ભરેલી પ્લાસ્ટિકની કોઠળી જોઇ એક ગાયે પૂછ્યું બીજી ગાયને; આ આંચળ કેવા ? અશ્વ દ્રિધા ગાડીવાન થોડો છું ? ગાડીવાન ચબુક માર હું તારો ઘોડો છું. બે કલાકના બદલે દસ કલાક મોડો છું. ================================ Shayaris about Tajmahal ============================= ચમકતો ને દમકતો શાહજહાંનો મહેલ જોવા દે મને નાદાન મજનુએ કરેલો ખેલ જોવા દે પ્રદર્શન કાજે જેમાં પ્રેમ છે કેદી જમાનાથી મને એ ખૂબ સૂરત પથ્થરોની જેલ જોવા દે. -શેખાદમ આબુવાલા સ્નેહના સૌદર્ય સામે કાળને મોહતાજ જોયો, એકાન્ત એ યમુનાતટે યમદેવનો સુકુમાર લિહાજ જોયો. મેં તાજ જોયો- ઉમાશંકર જોષી તાજનું શિલ્પકાવ્ય નીરખીને, હર્ષનાં આસું કૈક લૂછે છે; દાદ આપે છે શાંજહાંને સૌ, એના શિલ્પીને કોણ પૂછે છે? -રતિલાલ અનિલ કોઈની યાદમાં નવતર રિવાજ જોયો છે પ્રતિક પ્રેમનું જોયું છે, તાજ જોયો છે કળા બતાવે નહીં બીજે એથી સર્જકનાં જે હાથ કાપી લે એવો સમાજ જોયો છે -શકીલ કાદરી તાજ તેં જોયા અમારા હાલને ? તું રડે છે મુસ્લિમોની કાલને ? પારખી તેં કાળ કેરી ચાલને ? ઠોકરો મારે છે જન પામાલ ને ? -બેકાર રાંદેરી યે ચમનજાર, યે જમના કા કિનારા, યે મહલ, યે મુનક્કશ દરો-દિવાર, યે મહરાબ, યે તાક , એક શહનશાહ ને દોલત કા સંહારા લેકર, હમ ગરીબોં કી મુહબ્બત કા ઉડાયા હૈ મજાક! મેરી મહબૂબ કહીં ઔર મિલાકર મુઝ સે! -સાહિર લુધાયનવી =========================== ============================= [1] ઉતાવળે પરણીને આપણે નિરાંતે પસ્તાઈએ છીએ ! [2] ભેગા થવું એ શરૂઆત છે, ભેગા રહેવું તે પ્રગતિ છે, પરંતુ ભેગા મળી કામ કરવું તે સફળતા છે. [3] નથી તેની ચિંતા છોડશો તો છે તેનો આનંદ માણી શકશો. [4] જીભ કદાચ તોતડી હશે તો ચાલશે, પરંતુ તોછડી હશે તો નહિ ચાલે. [5] મેળવજો નીતિથી, વાપરજો પ્રીતિથી, ભોગવજો રીતિથી, તો બચી જશો દુર્ગતિથી. [6] દુશ્મન કરતાં દોસ્તને માફ કરી દેવાનું કામ વધુ કપરું છે!! [7] જરૂર કરતાં વધારે જમવું એટલે સ્મશાનમાં જવું ! [8] પત્નીની વાત પતિ ખરેખર સાંભળતો ત્યારે હોય છે, જ્યારે પોતાની પત્ની ઉચ્ચારતી ન હોય તેવો શબ્દેશબ્દ એ સમજી જતો હોય ! [9] લગ્ન જીવન સફળ બનાવવા માટે અનેક વાર પ્રેમમાં પડવું જરૂરી છે હંમેશા એની એ વ્યક્તિ સાથે. [10] માતાનું હૈયું એ શિશુની શાળા છે. [11] એક કુટુંબનું જે નિર્માણ કરે છે ને તેને ટકાવી રાખે છે, અને જેના હાથ હેઠળ બાળકો ઊછરીને ખડતલ ને ચારિત્ર્યવાન નરનારીઓ બને છે, તે નારીનું સ્થાન એકમાત્ર ઈશ્વરની પછી આવે છે. [12] સફળતાની સડક એવા પુરુષોથી ભરચક હોય છે જેમને પીઠ પાછળથી એમની પત્નીઓ આગે બઢાવતી હોય છે. [13] સર્જનહારની સમસ્ત સૃષ્ટિમાં સુંદરમાં સુંદર ને સૌથી દિવ્ય છે બાળકો. [14] પ્રાણ એ પ્રથમ ભેટ, સ્નેહ એ બીજી અને સમજણ એ ત્રીજી. [15] વસ્તુની નજીક જઈએ એટલે એનું સૌંદર્ય પ્રગટ થાય છે, પણ એનું કાવ્ય તો દૂરથી જ ખીલે છે. [16] માણસ ફુલાવાનું જલ્દી સ્વીકારે છે, યોગ્ય રીતે પણ સંકોચાવાનું નહીં ! [17] સૌને મન ભરીને માણવું છે, જીવવું છે- પણ મન ક્યારેય ભરાતું નથી, પેટની જેમ ! [18] વ્યક્તિની પ્રસન્નતા એની આંતરિક સુંદરતા દર્શાવે છે, વિચારો એના મનોજગતના આંદોલનોની સ્થિતિ બતાવે છે અને વર્તન એનાં હૃદયની ભાષા વ્યકત કરે છે. [19] મનની વિચાર દષ્ટિને પણ મોતિયો આવે છે ખરો ! [20] જીવનનો પહેલો સંઘર્ષ મન સાથે કરવો પડે છે. કારણ કે એને નકારાત્મક વલણનો સહેલો રસ્તો જ પસંદ છે. [21] માણસને મોતથી વધુ એનાં ડર ની બીક લાગે છે ! [22] આદત ધીમેધીમે જરૂરિયાત બની જાય ત્યારે માનવીની મજ્બૂરી જીવનને મૂરઝાવી દે છે. [23] પૃથ્વી પર લહેરાતાં ફૂલો, ફૂલો પર રહેલાં ઝાકળબિંદુઓ અને બાળકો ઈશ્વરના દસ્તખત છે. [24] માણસનો વ્યવહાર અને વૃત્તિઓ એનું દર્પણ છે. [25] આત્મપ્રશંસા જેવું કોઈ ઝેર નથી, આત્મનિંદા જેવું કોઈ અમૃત નથી ! [26] ખાઈમાં પડેલો બચી શકે, પણ અદેખાઈમાં પડેલો ન બચી શકે ! [27] પુરુષના જીવનમાં અહંકાર અને સ્ત્રીના જીવનમાં અલંકાર તોફાનો સર્જે છે. [29] જે આળસુ છે તેને માટે જ ભગવાને આવતીકાલ સર્જી છે ! [30] માણસ હોંશિયાર છે કે નહીં તે એણે આપેલા જવાબ પરથી આપણે કહી શકીએ. એ શાણો છે કે કેમ તે એના સવાલો પરથી ! [31] લગ્ન પહેલાં તમારી આંખો ખૂબ ઉઘાડી રાખજો, અને પછી અરધી મીંચેલી. [32] જગતમાં માત્ર બે જ વ્યક્તિ મૂર્ખ છે. એક નિંદા કરનારી અને બીજી, રસપૂર્વક નિંદા સાંભળનારી ! ================================= ==== WOW ==== =============================== પ્રભુભક્તિમાં જેમ બને તેમ તત્પર રહેવું, મોક્ષનો એ ધુરંધર માર્ગ મને લાગ્યો છે. -શ્રીમદ્ રાજચંદ્ર મારો શિષ્ય એક જ છે અને તે છે મોહનદાસ ગાંધી. એને કેળવતાં અને કાબૂમાં રાખતાં મારો દમ નીકળી જાય છે. બીજો શિષ્ય કરવા ક્યાં જાઉં ? -ગાંધીજી જે પ્રેમ નિત્ય નવીન નથી હોતો, તે એક આદત અને છેવટે એક બંધન બની જાય છે. -ખલીલ જિબ્રાન પ્રેમ કરવો તે કલા છે, પણ તેને નિભાવવો એ સાધના છે. -વિનોબા ભાવે સરસ જિંદગી એ છે જેમાં જ્ઞાનનું માર્ગદર્શન હોય અને પ્રેમની પ્રેરણા હોય. -બર્ટ્રાન્ડ રસેલ હે પરમાત્મા, મારી વાણી મારા મનમાં સ્થિર થાઓ અને મારું મન મારી વાણીમાં સ્થિર થાઓ. -ઐતરેય ઉપનિષદ દરેક વ્યક્તિમાં અનંત શક્યતા છે. આપણામાંના પ્રત્યેકમાં કોઈક એવું બીજ છે જેમાંથી વૃક્ષ પ્રગટી શકે. -પ્રે. મહાદેવ ધોરિયાણી તમારી આકાંક્ષાઓ એ તમારી શક્યતાઓ છે. જેવી આકાંક્ષા તેવી સિદ્ધિ. -રોબર્ટ બ્રાઉનીંગ જેણે મનને જીતી લીધું છે, તેને ટાઢ-તડકો, સુખ-દુ:ખ, માન-અપમાન બધું સરખું છે. -ચાણક્ય જો તમને એક ક્ષણનો પણ અવકાશ મળે, સમય મળે તો તમે તેનો ઉપયોગ શુભ કાર્ય માટે કરો, કારણ કાળનું ચક્ર અત્યંત ક્રુર અને ઉપદ્રવી છે. -બેન્જામીન ફ્રેન્કલીન જો તમારે સફળતા પ્રાપ્ત કરવી હોય તો તમારી પાસે પ્રચંડ ખંત અને દઢ ઈચ્છાશક્તિ હોવાં જોઈએ. -સ્વામી વિવેકાનંદ પહેલાં ઈશ્વર પ્રાપ્ત કરો. પછી ધન કમાઓ. આથી ઊલટું કરવાની કોશિશ ન કરો. જો આધ્યાત્મિકતા પ્રાપ્ત કર્યા પછી તમે સાંસારિક જીવન ગાળશો તો તમે મનની શાંતિ કદી નહીં ગુમાવો. -શ્રી રામકૃષ્ણ પરમહંસ પાંડિત્ય પુસ્તક વાંચવામાં છે, પુસ્તક-સંગ્રહમાં નથી. શૌર્ય તલવાર વાપરવામાં છે, કેડે લટકાવવામાં નથી. -કાકા કાલેલકર જેની સિદ્ધિનો આધાર બીજા ઉપર છે, તેવું કર્મ કદી ન આરંભો. પણ જેની સિદ્ધિનો આધાર પોતાની જાત પર જ છે તે કર્મ અવશ્ય આરંભો. -ભગવાન મનુ બુરાઈ નાવમાં છિદ્ર સમાન છે, તે નાનું હોય કે મોટું, નાવને ડુબાડી દે છે. -કવિ કાલીદાસ મનુષ્ય કેવી રીતે મરે છે તે મહત્વનું નથી, પરંતુ તે કેવી રીતે જીવે છે તે મહત્વનું છે. -હજરત અલી મનુષ્યનું જીવન શ્રદ્ધા અને વિવેકથી ચાલે છે. વિવેક ન હોય, પરંતુ શ્રદ્ધા હોય તો બીજાના વિવેકથી લાભ ઉઠાવી શકાય છે. બીજાના વિવેકથી લાભ ઉઠાવવાની યોગ્યતાનું નામ શ્રદ્ધા છે. -સ્વામી અખંડઆનંદ સરસ્વતી જીવનમાં નિરંતર તાજગી અને અતૂટ દિલચસ્પી ત્યારે જ મળે છે કે જ્યારે આંતરિક વિકાસ નિરંતર થયો હોય. -શ્રી અરવિંદ જ્યાં સુધી લોકો પોતાને સ્વયં સુધારવાનો પ્રયત્ન નહીં કરે ત્યાં સુધી સુધારો થવો અસંભવ છે. -કનૈયાલાલ મુનશી જેણે ધન ભેગું કર્યું અને તેને ગણવામાં જ રહ્યો છે તે એવા ભ્રમમાં હોય છે કે ધન તેને જીવિત રાખશે. -કુરાન પોતાની આવશ્યકતાઓ ઓછી કરીને આપ વાસ્તવિક શાંતિ પ્રાપ્ત કરી શકો છો. -મહાત્મા ગાંધી કેળવણી બે પ્રકારની છે. એક કેળવણી માણસને માણસાઈનું ભાન કરાવે છે. બીજી કેળવણી માણસની માણસાઈ લઈ લે છે. -સરદાર વલ્લભભાઈ પટેલ સજા આપવાનો અધિકાર કેવળ પ્રેમ કરવાવાળાને જ છે ! -રવિન્દ્રનાથ ટાગોર મનને હજાર પાંખ છે. હૃદયને એક જ પાંખ છે. છતાં જીવનનું સઘળું તેજ પ્રેમના અસ્ત સાથે વિલીન થઈ જાય છે. -ફાન્સિસ બાઉડિર્ણાન જેમ કાંટાળી ડાળને ફૂલ સુંદર બનાવી શકે છે તેમ સુશીલ સ્ત્રી ગરીબ માણસના ઘરને સુંદર અને સ્વચ્છ સ્વર્ગસમુ બનાવી શકે છે. -યોગવસિષ્ઠ પવિત્ર વિચારોનું સદા મનન કરવું જોઈએ અને હલકા સંસ્કારોને દૂર કરવા મથવું જોઈએ. -સ્વામી વિવેકાનંદ કવિતા એ બધા જ માનવીય જ્ઞાન, વિચાર, ભાવ, અનુભવ અને ભાષાની સુગંધ કળી છે. -જયશંકર પ્રસાદ માણસ, નિશ્ચિત આકાર અને ઈન્દ્રિયોના સમુહના સજીવ ઢીંગલા ઢીંગલી એ માણસ નહીં પણ પોતાના મૂળ સુધી પહોંચવાનો પ્રયત્ન કરી તેને ઓળખી, તેનો અહર્નિશ આભાર માનતાં જિવંત મંત્રો એ જ માણસ ! -ડૉ. ભરત મિસ્ત્રી સાચુ બોલવાનો આગ્રહ રાખનાર માણસ બિલકુલ નિર્દોષ હોય તો પણ દુ:ખી થાય, એવો રુગ્ણ સમાજ આપણે કહેવાતા ધર્મની ઓથે રચી બેઠા છીએ. -ગુણવંત શાહ દુનિયા આપણે માનીએ છીએ એટલી સાવ ખરાબ કે દુષ્ટ નથી. એ છે ત્યાંથી જલદી બહુ ઊંચે આવતી નથી, એટલી જ દુ:ખની વાત છે. -કાકા કાલેલકર સર્વ મનુષ્યોના અંતરમાં ઈશ્વરે જે બધાં સત્ય અને સૌંદર્ય મૂકેલાં છે, તેનું સતત દર્શન કવિતા આપણને કરાવતી રહે છે. -જેઈમ્સ લોવેલ ============================== ===================== For Those Who Thought They Knew Everything !! ==================== ************ ********* ********* *** ************ ********* ********* ********* ***** The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma. ************ ********* ********* *** ************ ********* ********* ********* *** No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead...I'll wait... ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* * Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass ) ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****** You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* * The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******* The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you ?) (That women are going the 'right' direction... .?) ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *** Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning . ************ ********* ********* ****** ************ ********* ********* ***** Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN ! ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****** **** The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE! ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ******** PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR ! ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *** The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* **** It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****** A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ****** Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !) ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *** And the best for last.... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU ?) ==================End======================== ================================= Funny full forms of Big Companies ================================= 1. NIIT : Not Interested in IT 2. WIPRO : Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output 3. HCL : Hidden Costs & Losses 4. TCS : Totally Confusing Solutions 5. INFOSYS :Inferior Offline Systems 6. HUGHES : Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping 7. BAAN : Beggars Association and Nerds 8. IBM : Implicitly Boring Machines 9. SATYAM : Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly 10. PARAM : Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors 11. C-DOT : Coffee During Office Timings 12. AT&T : All Troubles & Terrible 13. CMC : Coffee, Meals and Comfort 14. DEC : Drifting & Exhausted Computers 15. BFL : Brainwash First and Let them go 17. TISL : Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd. 18. PSI : Peculiar Symptoms of India 19. ORACLE : On-line Romance And Chatting with Lady Employees. 20. MASTEK: Mad And Stupid Technitians Enroute to Kabaarkhana 21.PATNI : Pathetic Appraisal Techniques , No Increments =============END============= ================================ John Smith started the day early having set his: =============================== alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).. He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia ) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE ) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA. ============END============= ======== Doubts.. ======== I've some doubts.. Can u please clarify me.. 1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought) 2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking) 3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows) 4. Can you cry under water? (let me try) 5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sitaround all day? (I think they meant something else) 6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell) 8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by oneseyes) 9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stayand watch) 10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oilis made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 11. What should one call a male ladybird? (Nocomments) 12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they rememberthat they forgot? (can somebody help ) 13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can) 14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it) 15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically) 16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? 17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice) 18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? 19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars? ****** ================== Work on this: Don't think much ================== Always Be the reason of someone's happiness Never just a part of it Be the part of someone's sadness.. Never the reason for it Today before you think of saying an unkind word Think of someone who can't speak Before you complain about the taste of your food Think of someone who has nothing to eat Before you complain about your husband or wife Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion Today before you complain about life Think of someone who went too early to heaven Before you complain about your children Think of someone who desires children but they're barren Before you argue about your dirty house; someone didn't clean or sweep Think of the people who are living in the streets And when you are tired and complain about your job Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around Life is a gift... Live it... Enjoy it... Celebrate it... And fulfill it.... ============END========== =========================== On Your Health.Personality, Society,Life. =========================== 1. Drink plenty of water. 2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy. 5. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. 6. Play more games. 7. Read more books than you did in 2008. 8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 9. Sleep for 7 hours. 10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile. On Your Personality: 11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 13. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 16. Dream more while you are awake. 17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you. 22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 23. Smile and laugh more. 24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. On Society: 25. Call your family often. 26. Each day give something good to others. 27. Forgive everyone for everything. 28. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 29. Try to make at least three people smile each day. 30. What other people think of you is none of your business. 31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch. On Life: 32. Do the right thing! 33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 34. GOD heals everything. 35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. 36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 37. The best is yet to come. 38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.. 39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. ==============END=========== ====================== EASY ....... DIFFICULT ====================== Easy is to get a place is someone's address book. Difficult is to get a place in someone's heart. Easy is to judge the mistakes of others Difficult is to recognize our own mistakes Easy is to talk without thinking Difficult is to refrain the tongue Easy is to hurt someone who loves us. Difficult is to heal the wound... Easy is to forgive others Difficult is to ask for forgiveness Easy is to set rules. Difficult is to follow them... Easy is to dream every night. Difficult is to fight for a dream... Easy is to show victory. Difficult is to assume defeat with dignity... Easy is to admire a full moon. Difficult to see the other side... Easy is to stumble with a stone. Difficult is to get up... Easy is to enjoy life every day. Difficult to give its real value... Easy is to promise something to someone.. Difficult is to fulfill that promise... Easy is to say we love. Difficult is to show it every day... Easy is to criticize others. Difficult is to improve oneself... Easy is to make mistakes. Difficult is to learn from them... Easy is to weep for a lost love. Difficult is to take care of it so not to lose it. Easy is to think about improving. Difficult is to stop thinking it and put it into action... Easy is to think bad of others Difficult is to give them the benefit of the doubt... Easy is to receive Difficult is to give Easy to read this Difficult to follow Easy is keep the friendship with words Difficult is to keep it with meanings. =============END================================== ====================== Scientific Instruments ====================== 1) Aerometer : Instrument for measuring weight and density of air and gases. 2) Altimeter : Instrument used in aircraft to measure altitude. 3) Ammeter : Instrument used to measure electrical current flowing in a circuit. 4) Anemometer : Instrument to measure the force and velocity of wind. 5) Audiometer : Instrument to measure intensity of sound. 6) Barometer : Instrument used to measure the atmospheric pressure. 7) Calorimeter : Instrument used for measuring quantities of heat. 8) Cardiogram : A medical instrument for tracing heart movements. 9) Crescograph : Instrument for use in recording growth of plants. 10) Dynamo : Instrument for transforming mechanical energy into electrical energy. 11) Fathometer : Instrument used for measuring depth of the ocean. 12) Geiger Counter : Instrument for recording the amount of radiation emitted by a source of radio-activity. 13) Hydrometer : Instrument used for measuring the specific gravity of liquids 14) Hydrophone : Instrument used for recording sound under water 15) Hygrometer : Instrument for measuring the amount of water vapours (humidity) in the atmosphere. 16) Kymograph : Instrument used to record graphically various physiological movements i.e., blood pressure,heart beating, study of lungs etc. in living beings. 17) Lactometer : Aparatus used for measuring the purity of milk. 18) Manometer : Apparatus used for determining the pressure of a gas. 19) Odometer : Instrument by which the distance covered by wheeled vehicles is recorded. 20) Oscillograph : Instrument for recording electrical or mechanical vibrations. 21) Photometer : Apparatus used to compare the illuminating power of two sources of light. 22) Pyrometer : Instrument for recording high temperatures froma great distance. 23) Radiometer : Instrument for measuring the emission of radiant energy. 24) Rain gauge : Apparatus for recording of rainfall at a particular piece. 25) Refractometer : Instrument to measure refractive indices. 26) Saccharimeter : Instrument for determining the amount of sugar in a solution. 27) Sextant : An optical instrument used for finding out the altitude of celestial bodies and their angular distances. 28) Sphygmomanometer : Instrument used for measuring arterial bolld- pressure. 29) Spherometer : Instrument for measuring curvature of surfaces. 30) Seismograph : Instrument used for recording earthquake shocks. 31) Tachometer : Instrument for determining speeds of aeroplanes and motor boats. 32) Thermostat : Instrument used to regulate the temperature to a particular degree. 33) Transformer : An electrical apparatus used to convert high voltage to low and vice versa ================END============= ======================================== America's Most and Least Favorite Cities Prashant Gopal Jan 5th, 2009 Where Americans Do—and Don't—Want to Work and Live Best Cities to Work and Live: ======================================== New York Rank: 1 Workers who would like to move there: 11% Median household income: $48,631 Median home value: $584,761 Annual home price change: -2.18% New York, one of the world's great cities, is home to Wall Street, the Broadway theatre district, and many of the best bars, art movie houses, and restaurants in the world. The city's largest employers include New York-Presbyterian Healthcare System, and financial companies such as Citigroup and J.P. Morgan Chase. Top attributes include entertainment options, professional/personal opportunities, and ease of transportation. Entertainment was cited by 51% of respondents. San Diego Rank: 2 Workers who would like to move there: 11% Median household income: $61,863 Median home value: $393,029 Annual home price change: -14.7% San Diego, California's second-largest city, has 70 miles of beaches, a world-famous zoo, major scientific research institutions, and numerous military installations. The largest employers include the military, the state and federal government, the Sharp Healthcare hospitals, the University of California at San Diego, and major companies such as AT&T. Workers said the city's best attributes were its environment (climate, parks, natural features, etc.), its image, and entertainment options. The environment was cited by 77% of workers. San Francisco Rank: 3 Workers who would like to move there: 9% Median household income: $68,023 Median home value: $766,985 Annual home price change: -5.5% San Francisco is one of the most beautiful cities in the world (it's also one of the most expensive). It's a progressive city with a vibrant economy, a vibrant arts and cultural scene, and a busy seaport. The University of California, San Francisco is one of the nation's top medical colleges. The city has become a biotech and technology center like neighboring Silicon Valley. The city's top attributes, according to the survey, were the environment (climate, parks, natural features, etc.), entertainment options, residents' background, talents and perspectives, and professional/personal opportunities. Las Vegas Rank: 4 Workers who would like to move there: 8% Median household: $55,996 Median home value: $195,825 Annual home price change: -25.2% Las Vegas moved up the list this year, partly because—with home prices plunging—it has become more affordable to live here. Residents love the entertainment options, which go far beyond gambling. The city also has become a destination for foodies. Celebrity chefs have opened many expensive eateries. But delicious and affordable Asian and Latin-American restaurants have popped up in strip malls away from the Vegas Strip. Vegas' top attributes, according to the survey, are the entertainment options, affordability, and environment (climate, parks, natural features). The city's best attribute was its entertainment options, which 56% of respondents cited, followed by affordability, which half of workers cited. Los Angeles Rank: 5 Workers who would like to move there: 8% Median household income: $47,781 Median home value: $466,630 Annual home price change: -17.8% Los Angeles, probably best known as the home of Hollywood, is a great place for people hoping to break into the movie, television, and music industries. But it also is home to excellent universities such as the University of Southern California and large corporations such as aerospace contractor Northrop Grumman. Workers answering the survey said the city's best attributes are its entertainment options, personal and professional opportunities, and the environment (climate, park space, and natural resources). About 42% cited entertainment options as the city's best attribute. Seattle Rank: 6 Workers who would like to move there: 8% Median household income: 57,849 Median home value: $416,028 Annual home price change: -7.5% The Seattle area's largest employers include Boeing and Microsoft. But many people come here for the lifestyle. The city is surrounded by lakes and mountains and has a great music and arts scene. The city's best attribute by far, according to the survey, is the environment (including the climate, park space, and natural resources), which 62% of workers cited. "Community—connectivity and sense of place" was mentioned by 29% of respondents. Denver Rank: 7 Workers who would like to move there: 7% Median household income: $44,444 Median home value: $206,669 Annual home price change: -6.7% The Mile-High City, located near the foot of the Rocky Mountains, is a popular place for outdoor enthusiasts. It has a large park system, 300 days of sunshine each year, and opportunities for biking, skiing, rafting, and hiking. The city's largest employers include Qwest Communications, HealthOne, Lockheed Martin Corp., the University of Denver, and United Airlines. Environment (climate, park space, natural resources) is the city's best attribute (It was cited by 74% of workers in the survey). Also high on the attribute list: affordability and image. Phoenix Rank: 8 Workers who would like to move there: 6% Median household income: $48,061 Median home value: $176,176 Annual home price change: -20.2% Phoenix, one of the nation's largest cities, has become a popular place for retirees because of its warm climate and affordable housing, which keeps getting more affordable with the rising tide of foreclosures and plummeting home prices. The area also has plenty of opportunities for golfing, hiking, biking, and camping. Phoenix's top employers include Allied Waste Industries, the Apollo Group, and PetSmart. Environment and affordability are the city's best attributes, according to the survey. Chicago Rank: 9 Workers who would like to move there: 6% Median household income: $45,505 Median home value: $234,643 Annual home price change: -8.9% Chicago, hometown of President-elect Barack Obama, is the third-largest city in the U.S. and is one of its major financial centers. The city is known for its architecture, museums, shopping, and nightlife. The area's top employers include Jewel-Osco supermarkets, United Airlines, and J.P. Morgan. The city's best attributes, according to the survey, include entertainment options, affordability, and personal and professional opportunity. Boston Rank: 10 Workers who would like to move there: 6% Median household income: $50,476 Median home value: $352,429 Annual home price change: -3.9% Boston is one of America's oldest cities and home to some of the country's most venerated universities and hospitals. Many of Boston's residents work in finance, education, health, and law. The city's largest employers include Massachusetts General Hospital, Fidelity Investments, and Boston University. Respondents to the survey said the Boston area is a good place to raise a family, has nice outdoor features such as park space, and offers good entertainment options. Worst Cities to Work and Live New York Rank: 1 Workers who would not like to move there: 15% Median household income: $48,631 Median home value: $584,761 Annual home price change: -2.18% Americans have a love/hate relationship with New York. It does have loads of high-paying jobs, Central Park (one of the largest urban parks in the nation), a great public transportation system, and one of the best restaurant, bar, music, and art scenes in the world. But people sacrifice to live here, paying sky-high rents for tiny apartments, and enduring long, crowded subway commutes. And by the way, the city's top restaurants sometimes require customers to make reservations months ahead of time. The high cost of living is an unattractive attribute of New York, according to 72% of respondents. Health and safety was also listed as a negative attribute by 45% of respondents. Detroit Rank: 2 Workers who would not like to move there: 14% Median household income: $28,097 Median home value: $80,140 Annual home price change: -9.3% Detroit has a bit of an image problem. The population is dwindling, many of the city's residents are in poverty, the auto industry housed here is near collapse, and former Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick went to jail last month for perjury in a sex scandal. The top two negative attributes of the city, according to the survey, were health and safety (55%) and image (49%). Los Angeles Rank: 3 Workers who would not like to move there: 12% Median household income: $47,781 Median home value: $466,630 Annual home price change: -17.8% Like New York, Los Angeles is a city that brings out strong feelings. It's an exciting place to live. But it's expensive, polluted, and traffic-clogged. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were affordability (61%), health and safety (42%), and environment (36%). New Orleans Rank: 4 Workers who would not like to move there: 11% Median household income: $38,614 Median home value: $135,128 Annual home price change: 13.7% New Orleans has seen its population shrink, its murder rate increase, and tourism suffer since Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005. The job market has gotten a bit of a boost from the heavy investment in rebuilding the city. But its image is suffering. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were health and safety (55%), image (49%), and environment (45%). Chicago Rank: 5 Workers who would not like to move there: 8% Median household income: $45,505 Median home value: $234,643 Annual home price change: -8.9% Chicago has a lot of jobs, entertainment, and culture to offer, but for many people, winters in the Windy City are simply too cold. The city also has a tough image that dates back to the era of Al Capone. Among the city's worst attributes, according to the survey: environment (including climate), community (connectivity and sense of place), and affordability. Washington, D.C. Rank: 6 Workers who would not like to move there: 7% Median household income: $54,317 Median home value: $354,069 Annual home price change: -14.0% The nation's capital has a reputation for expensive home prices and high crime rates. Last year, murders increased 7% to 181 from 2006. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were affordability (67%) and health and safety (60%). Las Vegas Rank: 7 Workers who would not like to move there: 7% Median household income: $55,996 Median home value: $195,825 Annual home price change: -25.2% Las Vegas' economy has taken a hit with falling home prices and struggling casinos. Clark County, which includes the city of Las Vegas, recently estimated that its population dropped for the first time in a decade. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were environment, including climate, park space, natural resources (45%); image (44%); and affordability (44%). Cleveland Rank: 8 Workers who would not like to move there: 6% Median household income: $28,512 Median home value: $120,259 Annual home price change: -1.4% Cleveland's population has been falling at a dramatic rate. The city has lost 8% of its population—about 40,000 people, since 2000. Like many rust-belt cities, Cleveland is feeling the impact of a weak manufacturing industry. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were environment—climate, park space, natural resources (58%); health and safety (45%); and image (42%). Dallas Rank: 9 Workers who would not like to move there: 5% Median household income: $40,986 Median home value: $123,248 Annual home price change: -3.3% Dallas' economy is doing better than many other parts of the country partly because of Texas' robust energy industry. But the city has a reputation for traffic, crime, and sprawl. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were the people—their backgrounds, talents, and perspectives (49%); environment—climate, park space, natural resources (39%); and image (38%). Miami Workers who would not like to move there: 5% Median household income: $29,075 Median home value: $238,708 Annual home price change: -23.9% Miami, like much of South Florida, is facing a foreclosure crisis. Home prices are plunging and the economy has problems. The city also has a reputation for crime that hasn't completely dissipated since the Miami Vice television show spotlighted the city's drug and gun problems. The top negative attributes, according to the survey, were environment—climate, park space, natural resources (47%); affordability (41%); and image (40%). ===================================== ==================== Records Held by Sachin Tendulkar ==================== 1. Highest Run scorer in the ODI 2. Most number of hundreds in the ODI 41 3. Most number of nineties in the ODI 4. Most number of man of the matches(56) in the ODI's 5. Most number of man of the series(14) in ODI's 6. Best average for man of the matches in ODI's 7. First Cricketer to pass 10000 run in the ODI 8. First Cricketer to pass 15000 run in the ODI 9. He is the highest run scorer in the world cup (1,796 at an average of 59..87 as on 20 March 2007) 10. Most number of the man of the matches in the world cup 11. Most number of runs 1996 world cup 523 runs in the 1996 Cricket World Cup at an average of 87..16 12. Most number of runs in the 2003 world cup 673 runs in 2003 Cricket World Cup, highest by any player in a single Cricket World Cup 13. He was Player of the World Cup Tournament in the 2003 Cricket World Cup. 14. Most number of Fifties in ODI's 87 15. Appeared in Most Number of ODI's 407 16. He is the only player to be in top 10 ICC ranking for 10 years. 17. Most number of 100's in test's 38 18. He is one of the three batsmen to surpass 11,000 runs in Test cricket, and the first Indian to do so 19. He is thus far the only cricketer to receive the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, India's highest sporting honor 20. In 2003, Wisden rated Tendulkar as d No. 1 and Richards at No. 2 in all time Greatest ODI player 21. In 2002, Wisden rated him as the second greatest Test batsman after Sir Donald Bradman. 22. he was involved in unbroken 664-run partnership in a Harris Shield game in 1988 with friend and team mate Vinod Kambli, 23. Tendulkar is the only player to score a century in all three of his Ranji Trophy, Duleep Trophy and Irani Trophy debuts 24. In 1992, at the age of 19, Tendulkar became the first overseas born player to represent Yorkshire 25. Tendulkar has been granted the Rajiv Gandhi Khel Ratna, Arjuna Award and Padma Shri by Indian government. He is the only Indian cricketer to get all of them. 26. Tendulkar has scored over 1000 runs in a calendar year in ODI's 7 times 27. Tendulkar has scored 1894 runs in calendar year in ODI's most by any batsman 28. He is the highest earning cricketer in the world 29. He has the least percentage of the man of the matches awards won when team looses a match.. Out of his 56 man of the match awards only 5 times India has lost. 30. Tendulkar most number man of match awards(10) against Australia 31. In August of 2003, Sachin Tendulkar was voted as the "Greatest Sportsman" of the country in the sport personalities category in the Best of India poll conducted by Zee News. 32. In November 2006, Time magazine named Tendulkar as one of the Asian Heroes. 33. In December 2006, he was named "Sports person of the Year 34. The current India Poised campaign run by The Times of India has nominated him as the Face of New India next to the likes of Amartya Sen and Mahatma Gandhi among others. 35. Tendulkar was the first batsman in history to score over 50 centuries in international cricket 36. Tendulkar was the first batsman in history to score over 75 centuries in international cricket:79 centuries 37. Has the most overall runs in cricket, (ODIs+Tests+ Twenty20s) , as of 30 June 2007 he had accumulated almost 26,000 runs overall. 38. Is second on the most number of runs in test cricket just after Brian Lara 39. Sachin Tendulkar with Sourav Ganguly hold the world record for the maximum number of runs scored by the opening partnership. They have put together 6,271 runs in 128 matches 40. The 20 century partnerships for opening pair with Sourav Ganguly is a world record 41. Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid hold the world record for the highest partnership in ODI matches when they scored 331 runs against New Zealand in 1999 42. Sachin Tendulkar has been involved in six 200 run partnerships in ODI matches - a record that he shares with Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid 43. Most Centuries in a calendar year: 9 ODI centuries in 1998 44. Only player to have over 100 innings of 50+ runs (41 Centuries and 87 Fifties) (as of 18th Nov, 2007) 45. the only player ever to cross the 13,000-14,000 and 15,000 run marks IN ODI. 46. Highest individual score among Indian batsmen (186* against New Zealand at Hyderabad in 1999). 47. The score of 186* is listed the fifth highest score recorded in ODI matches 48. Tendulkar has scored over 1000 ODI runs against all major Cricketing nations. 49. Sachin was the fastest to reach 10,000 runs taking 259 innings and has the highest batting average among batsmen with over 10,000 ODI runs 50. Most number of Stadium Appearances: 90 different Grounds 51. Consecutive ODI Appearances: 185 52. On his debut, Sachin Tendulkar was the second youngest debutant in the world 53. When Tendulkar scored his maiden century in 1990, he was the second youngest to score a century 54. Tendulkar's record of five test centuries before he turned 20 is a current world record 55. Tendulkar holds the current record (217 against NZ in 1999/00 Season) for the highest score in Test cricket by an Indian when captaining the side 56. Tendulkar has scored centuries against all test playing nations.[7] He was the third batman to achieve the distinction after Steve Waugh and Gary Kirsten 57. Tendulkar has 4 seasons in test cricket with 1000 or more runs - 2002 (1392 runs), 1999 (1088 runs), 2001 (1003 runs) and 1997 (1000 runs).[6] Gavaskar is the only other Indian with four seasons of 1000+ runs 58. He is second most number of seasons with over 1000 runs in world. 59. On 3 January 2007 Sachin Tendulkar (5751) edged past Brian Lara's (5736) world record of runs scored in Tests away from home 60. Tendulkar and Brian Lara are the fastest to score 10,000 runs in Test cricket history. Both of them achieved this in 195 innings 61. Second Indian after Sunil Gavaskar to make over 10,000 runs in Test matches 62. Became the first Indian to surpass the 11,000 Test run mark and the third International player behind Allan Border and Brian Lara. 63. Tendulkar is fourth on the list of players with most Test caps. Steve Waugh (168 Tests), Allan Border (158 Tests), Shane Warne (145 Tests) have appeared in more games than Tendulkar 64. Tendulkar has played the most number of Test Matches(144) for India (Kapil Dev is second with 131 Test appearances) . 65. First to 25,000 international runs 66. Tendulkar's 25,016 runs in international cricket include 14,537 runs in ODI's, 10,469 Tests runs and 10 runs in the lone Twenty20 that India has played. 67. On December 10, 2005, Tendulkar made his 35th century in Tests at Delhi against Sri Lanka. He surpassed Sunil Gavaskar's record of 34 centuries to become the man with the most number of hundreds in Test cricket. 68. Tendulkar is the only player who has 150 wkts and more than 15000 runs in ODI 69. Tendulkar is the only player who has 40 wkts and more than 11000 runs in Tests 70. Only batsman to have 100 hundreds in the first class cricket So Pass this to all your friends who are indians and take pride to be an indian !!!!! =================end============= ===================== USA Finance Humour !! ===================== 1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno 3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie! 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left. 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno 7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno 8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno 9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno 10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's ================END================== =========================== Definitions of Designations =========================== Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby. Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby. HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!! Rajarama Rao ===============END================ =================== Evergreen Advice By: Dr M J kapadia =================== Markets ------- We all know that markets have slumped We read about job-loses in news papers People talk about atleast 24 months of recession Early entrants are not getting jobs Companies are closing Sales are not picking up Suddenly cash has evaporated from the market Profitability is severely hit I am employee -------------- I need to keep my job I need to pay EMIs I have a family to run I need to keep working to sustain myself I need to feel secure I need to save a little money for a rainy day Basic Don'ts ------------ Do not take too much vacation Do not complain Do not waste time gossiping Don't resist a transfer Don't resist travel Don't resist a salary cut Don't resist extra-work load Don't resist extra time at office if needed Don't change jobs in this market. It is too risky. Basic Do's ---------- Daily Expenses Take a stock of your expenses – actually write it down Tick "Need to have" vs. "Nice to have" Knock off all "Nice to have expenses" – Right Now! Assuming you didn't have a job – Plan for cash to survive for 24 months. Apparently, this recession will take atleast 24 months to come out of. Sit on cash! Other tips to cut expenses – -------------------------- Going to malls is expensive Good restaurants are expensive Impulsive shopping is expensive Taking flights is expensive Eating out daily is expensive Check services which you are not using but have subscribed to Going on vacations is expensive These suggestions are tough – do I live life or not? ------------------ The new principle – "Happiness is inversely proportional to expectations/desires". More the expectations / desires – lesser the happiness and vice versa Some other ways to live great life – ---------------------------------- Spend time with family – go for a picnic in a nearby garden Exercise and walk a lot, drink lots of water Listen to Radio, watch some TV Visit Libraries, read books which you purchased, but never had a chance to open them Go to friends place a for a dinner Enroll into a hobby – music, painting etc Do social service – start teaching, mentoring etc Spend more time with your children Join laughter forum, attend conferences and meet interesting people Go for concerts Don't worry – what goes down will always go up Markets will rebound – these tips will prepare you to be a winner ============END============== =========================== INTERESTING DEFINITIONS =========================== School: A place where Papa Pays and Son Plays. ********* Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. ********* Nurse: A person who works up to give you sleeping pills. ********* Love Affairs: Something like the game of Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test match. ********* Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters. ********* Divorce: Future tense of Marriage. ********* Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power. ********* Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either" ********* Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. ********* Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. ********* Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. ********* Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. ********* Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. ********* Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. ********* Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. ********* Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. ********* Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. ********* Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. ********* Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. ********* Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. ********* Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead. ********* Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. ********* Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. ********* Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet." ********* Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. ********* Father: A banker provided by nature. ********* Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. ********* Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. ********* Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. ********* Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. ================================ =========================== Great people,Great thoughts =========================== Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. - Winston Churchill. I have always been impressed by the fact that there are a surprising number of individuals who never use their minds if they can avoid it, and an equal number who do use their minds, but in an amazingly stupid way. - Carl Jung. If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life. - Albert Camus. To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live according to its dictates a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity and trust. It is to solve some of the problems of life, not only theoretically, but practically. - Henry David Thoreau. All our philosophy is dry as dust if it is not immediately translated into some act of living service. - Mahatma Gandhi. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely re- arranging their prejudices. - William James. It is never too late to give up our prejudices. - Henry David Thoreau. Not doubt, certainty is what drives one insane. - Friedrich Nietzsche. It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself. - Thomas Paine. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. - Oscar Wilde. How shall I know if I do choose the right? - William Shakespeare. People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. - Joseph Campbell. Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. - Oscar Wilde. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire. Most of the luxuries, and many of the so called comforts of life, are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind. - Henry David Thoreau. Perhaps it would be a good idea, fantastic as it sounds, to muffle every telephone, stop every motor, and halt all activity for an hour some day, to give people a chance to ponder for a few minutes on what it is all about, why they are living and what they really want. - James Truslow Adams. Today, like every other day, we wake up empty and frightened. Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument. Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground. - Rumi. Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom. - Albert Einstein. Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new. - Brian Tracy. Where is the life we have lost in living? Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge? Where is the knowledge we have lost in information? The cycles of heaven in twenty centuries Bring us farther from God and nearer to the Dust. - T. S. Eliot. Most people do not understand the things they experience, nor do they know what they have learned; but they seem to themselves to have done so. - Heraclitus. There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. - William Shakespeare. Much learning does not teach understanding. - Heraclitus. The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. - William Shakespeare. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain. And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. - Kahlil Gibran. Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of the nonessentials. - Lin Yutang. Whenever suffering happens, don't collect it. Allow it to happen, but don't nourish it. Why go on talking about it? Everyone talks about his suffering. Why is there so much emphasis on it? Why give so much attention to it? Remember one of the laws: that whatsoever you pay much attention to grows. Attention is a growth helping element. If you pay attention to something, it grows more. - Osho. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson. People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in the world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them. - George Bernard Shaw. To love oneself is the beginning of a lifetime romance. - Oscar Wilde. I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost more than 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life... And that is why I succeed. - Michael Jordan. It's not that I'm so smart , it's just that I stay with problems longer. - Albert Einstein. In the long run, you hit only what you aim at: Therefore aim high. - Henry David Thoreau. Maturity has nothing to do with your life experiences. It has something to do with your inward journey, your experiences of the inner. The more a man goes deeper into himself the more mature he is. When he has reached the very center of his being he is perfectly mature. But at that moment the person disappears, only presence remains. The self disappears, only silence remains. Knowledge disappears, only innocence remains. - Osho. If one recognises the selfish motives which underlie all human conduct, one has not the slightest desire to return. Life, moving in a circle, would still be the same. As far as I am concerned, I am perfectly content to know that the eternal nuisance of living will be finally done with. Our life is necessarily a series of compromises, a never-ending struggle between the ego and his environment. The wish to prolong life unduly, strikes me as absurd. - Sigmund Freud. And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. - Abraham Lincoln. I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room. - Blaise Pascal. The life which is unexamined is not worth living. - Plato You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain No matter who you are, however powerful you may be, outer situations of life will not always be under your control. Living in fear that you are a slave to external situations becomes torturous because anticipating what will happen threatens your peace of mind. Yoga is the process of restoring peace and happiness, which are basic to human nature. Everyone has the intelligence to choose to be joyful. But they are not naturally happy because the life energy is happening unconsciously and Yoga is the science of making the life energy function consciously— to become the master of your destiny. - Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev. For the total development of the human being, solitude as a means of cultivating sensitivity becomes a necessity. One has to know what it means to be alone, what it is to meditate, what it is to die; and the implications of solitude, of meditation, of death, can be known only by seeking them out. These implications cannot be taught, they must be learnt. One can indicate, but learning by what is indicated is not the experiencing of solitude or meditation. To experience what is solitude and what is meditation, one must be in a state of inquiry; only a mind that is in a state of inquiry is capable of learning. But when inquiry is suppressed by previous knowledge, or by the authority and experience of another, then learning becomes mere imitation, and imitation causes a human being to repeat what is learnt without experiencing it. - J. Krishnamurti. The twentieth century was about speeding and scaling up… the twenty- first century will almost certainly have to be about slowing down. - Anonymous. Only the empty can be filled; if I have nothing, I am rich. How can I learn what it is to have nothing? I am so full; nothing cannot enter. Desires and imaginations, convictions and opinions, habits and reflexes, I cannot even contain them. They drip and exude from me, they slop over me, leaving a trail; wherever I go I leave a trail of arguments and contradictions, of requests and insinuations, pouring my imagination over life, masking it, covering it with my own projection of myself. O to be sensitive; O to receive impressions instead of blocking their inflow with my desire to impress. Stop. Be quiet. Stand aside and watch. This is the secret. Your voice is loud in argument; listen, no more. Your brain is hot with indignation; feel it, no more. Your hands reach out in desire; see them, no more. They are your voice, your brain, your hands, not you. It is they that are full, not you. Only the empty can be filled; If I have nothing, I am rich. - Anonymous. Do not seek to follow the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought. - Basho. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. - Albert Einstein. Too lazy to be ambitious, I let the world take care of itself. Ten days worth of rice in my bag; a bundle of twigs by the fireplace. Why chatter about delusion and enlightenment? Listening to the night rain on my roof, I sit comfortably, with both legs stretched out. - Ryokan. To hold and fill to overflowing is not as good as to stop in time. Sharpen a sword-edge to its very sharpest, And the edge will not last long . . . Withdraw as soon as your work is done. Such is Heaven's Way. - Lao Tzu. To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to- morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. - William Shakespeare. ============================== ================== Stress management: Understand your sources of stress ================================= The kids are screaming, the bills are due and there's a pile of work on your desk that's growing at an absurdly swift pace. It's undeniable — life often seems full of stress. But understanding the types and sources of stress — big and small, short-term and long-term, internal and external — is an important part of stress management. So where does your stress come from? Two main types of stress Stress is your body's reaction to the demands of the world, and stressors are events or conditions in your surroundings that may trigger stress. Two main types of stress you face are: * Acute stress. Also known as the fight-or-flight response, acute stress is your body's immediate reaction to a significant threat, challenge or scare. The acute-stress response is immediate, it's intense, and in certain circumstances, it can be thrilling. Examples of stressors that may cause an acute-stress response are a job interview, a fender bender or an exhilarating ski run. * Chronic stress. This results from long-term exposure to acute stress. The chronic-stress response is much more subtle than is the acute- stress response, but the effects may be longer lasting and more problematic. The stressors that may lead to chronic stress are the nagging, day-to-day life situations that often seem unrelenting. This includes relationship problems, work difficulties and financial woes. Effective stress management involves identifying and managing both acute and chronic stress. Symptoms of stress While mild stress can actually be beneficial — it can spur you into action, motivate and energize you — it's often the buildup of the little things that can really "stress you out." Persistent stress can lead to many adverse health problems, including: * Physical symptoms, such as headache and fatigue * Mental symptoms, such as poor concentration * Emotional symptoms, such as irritability and depression * Social symptoms, such as isolation and resentment Know your stressors External exasperations External stressors are events and situations that happen to you. While you may have control over some of these stressors and how much you let them affect you, there are times when they extend beyond your control. Some examples include: * Major life changes. These changes can be positive — a new marriage, a planned pregnancy, a promotion or a new house. Or they can be negative — the death of a loved one or going through a divorce. * Environment. These stressors could include a noise disturbance, such as a barking dog, or excessive light, as from a billboard across the street. * Unpredictable events. This category could include an increase in monthly bills, an uninvited houseguest or a pay cut. * Family. The occasional spousal spat, a teenager who refuses to cooperate or a nagging mother-in-law can all contribute to stress. * Workplace. Perhaps an overwhelming workload or an impossible boss. * Social. For example, a blind date or making a speech to a room full of co-workers. Internal irritations Not all stress stems from things that happen to you. Some of the stress response can be self-induced. Those feelings and thoughts that pop into your head and cause you unrest are known as internal stressors. Examples include: * Fears. These can be things, such as a fear of flying or heights, or more-subtle apprehensions such as participating in a discussion with a group of strangers at a meeting. * Uncertainty. Stemming perhaps from a looming restructuring at the office or waiting for medical test results. * Attitude. Having a negative view of the world can be stressful, since you create an unpleasant environment in which to live. * Unrealistic expectations. A perfectionist or controlling personality may lead to unnecessarily high stress levels. Overscheduling and not planning ahead can lead to worries. Stress is here to stay Not a day in your life goes by without encountering a situation or event that may trigger stress. And that's OK. By identifying and understanding the sources of your stress, you learn to better manage it. So what stresses you out? ================END============ ========================= Newton Laws for Software ========================= Law 1 ..Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager. Law 2. The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied. Law 3. For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation. Bonus :-) Law 4 .. Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant. ============END================= ====================== Some medi definition --Very Witty-- ====================== Antibody - against everyone Artery - The study of the paintings. Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria. Caesarean section - a district in Rome. Cardiology - advance study of poker playing. Cat scan - searching for lost kitty. Chronic - neck of a crow. Coma - punctuation mark. Cortisone - area around local court. Cyst - short for sister. . Diagnosis - person with slanted nose. Dilate - the late British Princess Diana. . Dislocation - in this place. Duodenum - couple in blue jeans. Enema - not a friend. Fake labour - pretending to work. . Genes - blue denim. Hernia - she is close by. . Impotent - distinguished/ well known. Labour pain - hurt at work. Lactose - people without toes. Lymph - walk unsteadily. Microbes - small dressing gown. Obesity - city of Obe. . Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize. Proteins - in favour of teens. Pulse - grain. Pus - small cat. Red blood count - Dracula. Secretion - hiding anything. Tablet - small table. Ultrasound - radical noise. Urine - opposite of you're out. Varicose - very close. ===============END============== ================= Some useful tips ================ Almonds: To remove the skin of almonds easily, soak them in hot water for 15-20 minutes. Ants: Putting 3-4 cloves in the sugar container will keep the ants at bay. Biscuits: If you keep a piece of blotting paper at the bottom of the container, it will keep biscuits fresh for a longer time. Butter: Avoid the use of butter. If it is essential to use, use a butter containing low saturated fat or with plant stanols (which avoid absorption of cholesterol by our body) or similar substitutes. Apples: Apply some lemon juice on the cut surface of the apple to avoid browning. They will look fresh for a longer time. Banana: Apply mashed banana over a burn on your body to have a cooling effect. Bee and Scorpion Sting Relief: Apply a mixture of 1 pinch of chewing tobacco and 1 drop of water. Mix and apply directly and immediately to the sting; cover with band aid to hold in place. Pain will go away in just a few short minutes Bitter Gourd (Karela): Slit Karelas at the middle and apply a mixture of salt, wheat flour and curd all round. Keep aside for 1/2 an hour and then cook. Stuffed Karela Celery: To keep celery fresh for long time, wrap it in aluminium foil and place in the refrigerator. Burnt Food: Place some chopped onion in the vessel having burnt food, pour boiling water in it, keep for 5 minutes and then clean. Chilli Powder: Keeping a small piece of hing (asafoetida) in the same container will store chilli powder for long time. Chopping: Use a wooden board to chop. It will not blunt the knife. Don't use a plastic board, small plastic pieces may go with the vegetables. Coriander/Mint: You can use dried coriander and mint leaves in coarse powder form in vegetable curry or chutney, if fresh ones are not available. To keep them fresh for a longer time, wrap them in a muslin cloth and keep in a fridge. Cockroaches: Put some boric powder in kitchen in corners and other places. Cockroaches will leave your house. Coconut: Immerse coconut in water for 1/2 an hour to remove its hust. Dry Fruits: To chop dry fruits, place them in fridge for half an hour before cutting. Take the fruits out and cut them with a hot knife (dip it in hot water before cutting). Dough/Rolling pin: If the dough sticks to the rolling pin, place it in freezer for a few minutes. Egg peeling off: Make a small hole in the egg by piercing a pin before boiling it. You will be able to remove its skin very easily. Egg fresh: Immerse the egg in a pan of cool salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh; if it rises to the surface, it is certainly quite old. Garlic: Garlic skin comes off easily if the garlic cloves are slightly warmed before peeling. Ghee: Avoid the use of ghee. If it is necessary, substitute it with canola oil. Even for making halwa, you can partly substitute it with oil. Green Chillies: To keep the chillies fresh for a longer time, remove the stems before storing. Green Peas: To preserve green peas, keep them in a polythene bag in the freezer. Idlies: Place a betel (paan) leaf over the leftover idli and dosa batter to prevent them sour. Do not beat idli batter too much, the air which has been incorporated during fermentation will escape. If you add half a tsp of fenugreek seeds to the lentil and rice mixture while soaking, dosas will be more crisp. Fruits: To ripen fruits, wrap them in newspaper and put in a warm place for 2-3 days. The ethylene gas they emit will make them ripe. Frying: Avoid deep frying. Substitute deep frying with stir frying or oven bake. Don't pour the oil, but make a habit of spraying the oil in the utensil for cooking. Heat the utensil first, then add oil. This way oil spreads well. You will use less oil this way. Left Over: Don't throw away the foods left over. Store them in Fridge. Use them in making tasty dishes. Lemon/Lime: If the lemon or lime is hard, put it in warm water for 5-10 minutes to make it easier to squeeze. Lizards: Hang a peacock feather, lizards will leave your house. Milk: Moisten the base of the vessel with water to reduce the chances of milk to stick at the bottom. Keep a spoon in the vessel while boiling milk at medium heat. It will avoid sticking the milk at the bottom of the vessel. Adding half a tsp of sodium bicarbonate in the milk while boiling will not spoil the milk even if you don't put it in the fridge. Mixer/Grinder: Grind some common salt in your mixer/grinder fro some time every month. This will keep your mixer blades sharp. Mosquitoes: Put a few camphor tablets in a cup of water and keep it in the bed room near your bed, or in any place with mosquitoes. Noodles: When the noodles are boiled, drain all the hot water and add cold water. This way all the noodles will get separated. Onions: To avoid crying, cut the onions into two parts and place them in water for 15 minutes before chopping them. Wrap the onions individually in a newspaper and store in a cool and dark place to keep them fresh for long time. Oven: Watch from the oven window to conserve energy because the oven temperature drops by 25 degrees every time its door is opened, To clean the oven, apply a paste of sodium bicarbonate and water on the walls and floor of the oven and keep the oven on low heat for about half an hour. Dried food can easily be removed. Paneer: To keep paneer fresh for several days, wrap it in a blotting paper while storing in the refrigerator. Do not fry paneer, immerse it in boiling water to make it soft and spongy. Papad: Bake in microwave oven. Wrap the papads in polythene sheet and place with dal or rice will prevent them from drying and breaking. Pickles: To prevent the growth of fungus in pickles, burn a small grain of asafoetida over a burning coal and invert the empty pickle jar for some time before putting pickles in the jar. Popcorn: Keep the maize/corn seeds in the freezer and pop while still frozen to get better pops. Potato: To bake potatoes quickly, place them in salt water for 15 minutes before baking. Use the skin of boiled potatoes to wipe mirrors to sparkling clean. Don't store potatoes and onions together. Potatoes will rot quickly if stored with onions. Refrigerator: To prevent formation of ice, rub table salt to the insides of your freeze. Rice: Add a few drops of lemon juice in the water before boiling the rice to make rice whiter. Add a tsp of canola oil in the water before boiling the rice to separate each grain after cooking. Don't throw away the rice water after cooking. Use it to make soup or add it in making dal (lentils). Add 5g of dried powdered mint leaves to 1kg of rice. It will keep insects at bay. Put a small paper packet of boric powder in the container of rice to keep insects at bay. Put a few leaves of mint in the container of rice to keep insects at bay. Samosa: Bake them instead of deep frying to make them fat free. Don't fry the filling potato masala. Preserve the samosas in freezer. For eating, take out of the freezer two hours in advance and bake them over low temp. Sugar: Put 2-3 cloves in the sugar to keep ants at bay. Tadka: Use sprouted mustard seeds (rayee) and fenugreek (methi) seeds for your tadkas. Both of them when sprouted have more nutritional values. Also this add flavour to the dish and can be more beneficial, besides giving decorative look to the dish. Submitted by MS Itisha Madhav Tomato: To remove the skin of tomatoes, place them in warm water for 5-10 minutes. The skin can then be easily peeled off. When tomatoes are not available or too costly, substitute with tomato puree or tomato ketchup/sauce. Place overripe tomatoes in cold water and add some salt. Overnight they will become firm and fresh. Tamarind: Tamarind is an excellent polish for brass and copper items. Rub a slab of wet tamarind with some salt sprinkled on it on the object to be polished. Gargles with tamarind water is recommended for a sore throat. Utensils: Use nonsticking utensils. Use thick bottom utensils, they get uniformly heated. For electric stoves, use flat bottom utensils. Add a little bit of common salt to the washing powder for better cleaning of utensils. Vegetables: Don't discard the water in which the vegetables are soaked or cooked. Use it in making soup or gravy. To keep the vegetables fresh for a longer time, wrap them in newspaper before putting them in freeze. Chop the vegetables only when you are ready to use them. Don't cut them in too advance. It would spoil their food value. Sink (Blocked): To clear the blocked drain pipe of your kitchen sink, mix 1/2 cup sodium bicarbonate in 1 cup vinegar and pour it into the sink, and pour about 1 cup water. In an hour the drain pipe will open. Soup Salty: Place a raw peeled potato in the bowl, it will absorb the extra salt. Yoghurt (Home Made): To set yogurt in winter, place the container in a warm place like oven or over the voltage stabliser. Yogurt: If the yogurt has become sour, put it in a muslin cloth and drain all the water. Then add milk to make it as good as fresh in taste. Use the drained water in making tasty gravy for vegetables or for basen curry. To keep the yogurt fresh for many days, fill the vessel containing yogurt with water to the brim and refrigerate. Change the water daily.. ===========END============ ========================== The 10 Top American Givers by Aili McConnon and Lawrence Delevingne Thursday, November 27, 2008 provided byBusinessWeek ========================== Warren Buffett Many of America's ultra-rich continued to give big donations to charity in 2008, despite the worst financial crisis in decades. In the past year, seven philanthropists gave north of $200 million and nine gave more than $100 million to causes ranging from wilderness preservation to fighting malaria. Warren Buffett and Bill Gates remain far and away the biggest givers overall, but two of 12 newcomers to the list pledged to give more than $1 billion away: William Barron Hilton, co-chairman of the Hilton hotel chain who pledged late last year to give away 97% of his wealth -- some $1.7 billion -- to his family's humanitarian foundation and Peter G. Peterson, co-founder of the investment firm Blackstone Group, who gave $1 billion this year to establish a foundation that promotes fiscal responsibility. Read their stories -- and those of the 48 other philanthropists on BusinessWeek's list -- here. More from BusinessWeek.com: • A Year of Mega-Bequests • Social Entrepreneurs Turn Business Sense to Good • Feeling Pinched, Some U.S. Philanthropists Give More 1. Warren Buffett Berkshire Hathaway CEO 2004-08 Giving* $40,655 million Buffett's $31 billion commitment to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, announced in June 2006, resonated throughout the philanthropic community. The giving is aimed at funding education and global health initiatives. This year the commitment to the Gates Foundation still resonates, inspiring other donors with a new model of philanthropy. Buffett, the world's second-richest man, also earmarked billions for the Susan Thompson Buffett Foundation, the Howard G. Buffett Foundation, and the NoVo Foundation -- independent family foundations that support causes ranging from reproductive health to worldwide conservation. For more, visit the Warren Buffett Philanthropy. BusinessWeek112608_Melinda.jpg Getty Images 2. Bill & Melinda Gates Microsoft co-founder 2004-08 Giving* $2,625 million Bill and Melinda Gates give through their massive Seattle-based family foundation, which says it is "committed to ensuring all people have the opportunity to lead healthy, productive lives." With an endowment of nearly $36 billion, the foundation works with partners to give people a chance to lift themselves out of hunger and extreme poverty in developing countries and, in the U.S., to ensure that all people have the opportunities they need to succeed in school and life. Its endowment is eventually expected to double, thanks to a long-term $31 billion gift from investor Warren Buffett, which pays out in installments. Recent initiatives include $100 million in micro medical-research grants; a $164 million grant to the Alliance for a Green Revolution in Africa; and $125 million to fight global tobacco use as part of a $500 million partnership with New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. For more, visit the Gates Foundation. 3. George Kaiser Oil and gas, banking, investments 2004-08 Giving* $2,377 million Kaiser's focus remains on early intervention in the cycle of poverty. Giving through his Tulsa-based foundation provides services that include early childhood education, pre-natal health care, public health, in-home parenting, and secondary education, as well as more generalized safety net services that deal with the symptoms of poverty. More recent initiatives have focused on women's incarceration, secondary schools, and reserving land to create an arts and entertainment district in Tulsa. The biggest payout may be yet to come: Kaiser has said he plans to increase his gifts "until I die with one dollar left, assuming I can get the timing just right." For more, visit the George Kaiser Family Foundation. BusinessWeek112608_Soros.jpg Getty Images 4. George Soros Investor 2004-08 Giving* $2,214 million Soros distributes $400 million or more each year through his charitable network, which aims to foster open and democratic societies around the world. This year Soros gave some $535 million to dozens of initiatives, including education in Liberia, microfinance in India, and mental health in Moldova. In 2005 he gave an extra $200 million for his Central European University, a graduate school he helped found in Budapest in 1991. An immigrant from Hungary who made his first billion dollars in England, Soros has given nearly $7 billion to support his network of foundations in more than 60 countries. For more, visit the Open Society Institute. 5. William Barron Hilton Heir and former CEO of Hilton Hotels 2004-08 Giving* $1,700 million New to list Following in his father's footsteps, Hilton late last year announced his intention to leave 97% of his wealth to charity after his stakes in Hilton Hotels and Harrah's Entertainment were bought out by private equity groups for billions. Hilton's fortune will go to his family's foundation, the Conrad N. Hilton Foundation, which works to alleviate the suffering of the world's most disadvantaged, with an emphasis on children and support for the work of Roman Catholic nuns. Grants go to causes such as stopping trachoma, the world's leading cause of preventable blindness in Africa; helping homeless families in the U.S.; and providing clean water in Mexico. For more, visit the Hilton Foundation. BusinessWeek112608_Walton.jpg Getty Images 6. Walton Family Family of Wal-Mart founder 2004-08 Giving* $1,380 million The world's richest family is also one of the most united when it comes to philanthropy. The secretive Waltons commit the bulk of their gifts through the Walton Family Foundation, which supports a variety of charitable causes. Their areas of focus: K-12 education reform, quality-of-life initiatives in northwest Arkansas (home to Wal-Mart), economic development initiatives in the Mississippi Delta region of the U.S., and most recently, marine and fresh water fishing sustainability initiatives. For more, visit the Walton Family Foundation. 7. Herbert & Marion Sandler Golden West Financial co-founders 2004-08 Giving* $1,329 million The Sandlers have given away more than $1 billion to the Sandler Foundation, which works to strengthen progressive causes, such as: exposing corruption and abuse of power; advocating for vulnerable and exploited people and environments; and advancing scientific research. Last year, for example, the foundation committed $10 million a year to launch and sustain ProPublica, an independent non-profit newsroom, under the leadership of former Wall Street Journal Managing Editor Paul Steiger, that produces investigative journalism in the public interest. The foundation also helped establish the liberal think-tank Center for American Progress with a $50 million gift in 2004. For more, visit the Sandler Foundation. 8. Peter Peterson Blackstone Group co-founder 2004-08 Giving* $1,168 million New to list Using his proceeds from Blackstone Group's IPO, Peterson donated $1 billion to establish the Peter G. Peterson Foundation this year. The focus: to encourage greater fiscal responsibility in the U.S. The foundation has already purchased, promoted, and distributed the documentary I.O.U.S.A. to educate Americans about swelling national and personal debt. (The film is likened by many to Al Gore's documentary on global warming, An Inconvenient Truth.) The former Commerce Secretary's timing was uncanny as the financial crisis underscored his urgent message about excessive spending. For more, visit the Peter G. Peterson Foundation. More from Yahoo! Finance: • Million-Dollar Giveaways: A Trend of the Times • Stave Off the Ever-Circling Credit Crunch • The Year of Wall Street's Fallen Idols Visit the Banking & Budgeting Center 9. Donald Bren Real estate developer 2004-08 Giving* $908 million Using property and wealth from his real estate business, Bren has given more than $1 billion, much of it to support education. Bren's commitment to schooling runs the gamut from students to principals to school districts to university scholars on his Irvine Ranch. This year Bren gave $8.5 million to THINK Together after-school programs, one of the largest private donations to after-school programs in California history. In 2007 gifts included $20 million for a new law school at University of California at Irvine and $3 million in annual grants, teacher recognition, and student scholarships. In 2006 he gave a $20 million gift to fund elementary fine arts, music, and science programs at schools in Irvine, Calif. For more, visit the Donald Bren Foundation. 10. Michael Bloomberg Bloomberg founder, NYC Mayor 2004-08 Giving* $903 million This year, Bloomberg added a $250 million, four-year commitment to his Initiative to Reduce Tobacco Use, which was established in 2005 and has received more than $375 million from the New York City mayor. The new money is in partnership with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. Late last year, Bloomberg's Family Foundation gave $9 million to promote global road safety, among others on the mayor's long list of charitable causes each year. Dedicated to making strides in education, he has also committed $100 million to alma mater Johns Hopkins University and purchased a townhouse on the Upper East Side for his future foundation. Bloomberg gave $10 million to the World Trade Center Foundation. Since 1997, Bloomberg has pledged more than $1.5 billion to charities and initiatives. For more, visit the Bloomberg Philanthropies. *Based on public records and interviews with donors Data: BusinessWeek, The Chronicle of Philanthropy and the Center on Philanthropy at Indiana University =============END================ ============================ The Best 50 of Murphy's Law ============================ You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. *********** Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.. *********** Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. *********** Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. *********** If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. *********** The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. *********** The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. *********** An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. *********** Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. *********** All great discoveries are made by mistake. *********** Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. *********** Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. *********** All's well that ends. *********** A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. *********** The first myth of management is that it exists. *********** A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. *********** New systems generate new problems. *********** To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. *********** We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. *********** Any given program, when running, is obsolete. *********** Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. *********** A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. *********** The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state. *********** Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. *********** Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. *********** The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. *********** To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. *********** After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. *********** Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. *********** A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. *********** If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. *********** Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. *********** Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." *********** Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. *********** If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. *********** The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. *********** In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday. *********** Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. *********** All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. *********** The only perfect science is hind-sight. *********** Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. *********** If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. *********** If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. *********** When all else fails, read the instructions. *********** If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. *********** Everything that goes up must come down. *********** Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. *********** Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. *********** Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. *********** The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. *********** ============================ =============== magic of MATHS =============== 1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321 ================================ ============= THE TAX POEM ============= Tax his land, Tax his bed, Tax the table At which he's fed. Tax his tractor, Tax his mule, Teach him taxes Are the rule. Tax his work, Tax his pay, He works for peanuts Anyway! Tax his cow, Tax his goat, Tax his pants, Tax his coat. Tax his ties, Tax his shirt, Tax his work, Tax his dirt. Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink, Tax him if he Tries to think. Tax his cigars, Tax his beers, If he cries Tax his tears. Tax his car, Tax his gas, Find other ways To tax his ass. Tax all he has Then let him know That you won't be done Till he has no dough. When he screams and hollers; Then tax him some more, Tax him til He's good and sore. Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave, Tax the sod in Which he's laid. Put these words Upon his tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom...' When he's gone, Do not relax, Its time to apply The inheritance tax. Accounts Receivable Tax Airline surcharge tax Airline Fuel Tax Airport Maintenance Tax Building Permit Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Death Tax Dog License Tax Driving Permit Tax Excise Taxes Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment (UI) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Petrol Tax ( too much per litre) Gross Receipts Tax Health Tax Hunting License Tax Hydro Tax Inheritance Tax Interest Tax Liquor Tax Luxury Taxes Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Mortgage Tax Personal Income Tax Property Tax Poverty Tax Prescription Drug Tax Property Tax Provincial Income Tax Real Estate Tax Recreational Vehicle Tax Retail Sales Tax Service Charge Tax School Tax Telephone Tax Telephone, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Water Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middleclass, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What in the hell happened? Can you spell 'politicians? ' [I received this in an email.] [Thanks to the sender] ============================= ======================= Can you please clarify? ======================= 1. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought) 2. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking) 3. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows) 4. Can you cry under water? (let me try) 5. Why do people say, "you've been working like adog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else) 6. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 7. Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell) 8. Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes) 9. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight I will stay and watch) 10. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 11. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 12. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help ) 13. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can) 14. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isn't it) 15. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! Able to hear it? (got to think scientifically) 16. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? 17. Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice) 18. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? 19. If drink & drive is not allowed why the hell they have parking in Bars? ================================ ===================== Significance of "108" ===================== It is the practice in every calculation and transaction of the currency or any thing to round off the figure to one, by removing the decimals and also to ten, hundred and thousand so on. But in every pooja, we worship God/Goddess in 108 names which we call it as �Ashtottara�.. Why not 100 a round figure? If we go deep into its significance: The Indian Subcontinent rosary or set of mantra counting has 108 beads. 108 has been a sacred number in the Indian Subcontinent for a very long time. This number is explained in many different ways. The ancient Indians were excellent mathematicians and 108 may be the product of a precise mathematical operation (e.g. 1 power 1 x 2 power 2 x 3 powers 3 = 108) which was thought to have special numerological significance. Powers of 1, 2, and 3 in math: 1 to 1st power=1; 2 to 2nd power=4 (2x2); 3 to 3rd power=27 (3x3x3). 1x4x27=108 Sanskrit alphabet: There are 54 letters in the Sanskrit alphabet. Each has masculine and feminine, Siva and Sakti. 54 times 2 are 108. Sri Yantra: On the Sri Yantra there is marmas where three lines intersect, and there are 54 such intersections. Each intersection has masculine and feminine, Siva and Sakti qualities. 54 x 2 equals 108. Thus, there are 108 points that define the Sri yantra as well as the human body. 9 times 12: Both of these numbers have been said to have spiritual significance in many traditions. 9 times 12 is 108. Also, 1 plus 8 equals 9. That 9 times x 12 equals 108. Heart Chakra: The chakras are the intersections of energy lines, and there are said to be a total of 108 energy lines converging to form the heart chakra. One of them, sushumna leads to the crown chakra, and is said to be the path to Self-realization. Marmas: Marmas or marmastanas are like energy intersections called chakras, except have fewer energy lines converging to form them. There are said to be 108 marmas in the subtle body. Time: Some say there are 108 feelings, with 36 related to the past, 36 related to the present, and 36 related to the future. Astrology: There are 12 constellations, and 9 arc segments called namshas or chandrakalas. 9 times 12 equal 108. Chandra is moon, and kalasa are the divisions within a whole. Planets and Houses: In astrology, there are 12 houses and 9 planets. 12 times 9 equal 108. 1, 0, and 8: 1 stands for God or higher Truth, 0 stands for emptiness or completeness in spiritual practice, and 8 stands for infinity or eternity. Sun and Earth: The diameter of the sun is 108 times the diameter of the Earth. Numerical scale: The 1 of 108, and the 8 of 108, when added together equals 9, which is the number of the numerical scale, i.e. 1, 2, 3 ... 10, etc., where 0 is not a number. Smaller divisions: The number 108 is divided, such as in half, third, quarter, or twelfth, so that some malas have 54, 36, 27, or 9 beads. Islam: The number 108 is used in Islam to refer to God. Jain: In the Jain religion, 108 are the combined virtues of five categories of holy ones, including 12, 8, 36, 25, and 27 virtues respectively. Sikh: The Sikh tradition has a mala of 108 knots tied in a string of wool, rather than beads. Chinese: The Chinese Buddhists and Taoists use a 108 bead mala, which is called su-chu, and has three dividing beads, so the mala is divided into three parts of 36 each. Stages of the soul: Said that Atman, the human soul or center goes through 108 stages on the journey. Meru: This is a larger bead, not part of the 108. It is not tied in the sequence of the other beads. It is the guiding bead, the one that marks the beginning and end of the mala. Dance: There are 108 forms of dance in the Indian traditions. Pythagorean: The nine is the limit of all numbers, all others existing and coming from the same. i.e.: 0 to 9 is all one needs to make up an infinite amount of numbers. There are 108 Upanishads contained in the Muktikopanishad. The same are given hereunder, in four categories according to the particular Veda to which each of them belong. Rigveda(10): Aitareya , Atmabodha, Kaushitaki, Mudgala, Nirvana, Nadabindu, Akshamaya, Tripura, Bahvruka, Saubhagyalakshmi. Yajurveda(50): Katha, Taittiriya , Isavasya , Brihadaranyaka, Akshi, Ekakshara, Garbha, Pranagnihotra, Svetasvatara, Sariraka, Sukarahasya, Skanda, Sarvasara, Adhyatma, Niralamba, Paingala, Mantrika, Muktika, Subala, Avadhuta, Katharudra, Brahma, Jabala, Turiyatita, Paramahamsa, Bhikshuka, Yajnavalkya, Satyayani, Amrutanada, Amrutabindu, Kshurika, Tejobindu, Dhyanabindu, Brahmavidya, Yogakundalini, Yogatattva, Yogasikha, Varaha, Advayataraka, Trisikhibrahmana, mandalabrahmana, Hamsa, Kalisantaraa, Narayana, Tarasara, Kalagnirudra, Dakshinamurti, Pancabrahma, Rudrahrudaya, Sarasvatiirahasya. SamaVeda(16): Kena, Chandogya, Mahata, Maitrayani, Vajrasuci, Savitri, Aruneya, Kundika, Maitreyi, Samnyasa, Jabaladarsana, Yogacudamani, Avyakta, Vasudevai, Jabali, Rudrakshajabala. Adharvanaveda(32): Prasna , Mandukya, Mundaka, Atma, Surya, Narada-Parivrajakas, Parabrahma, Paramahamsa-Parivrajakas, Pasupatha-Brahma, Mahavakya, Sandilya, Krishna, Garuda, Gopalatapani, Tripadavibhuti-mahanarayana, Dattatreya, Kaivalya, Nrusimhatapani, Ramatapani, Ramarahasya, Hayagriva, Atharvasikha, Atharvasira, Ganapati, Brhajjabala, Bhasmajabala, Sarabha, Annapurna, Tripuratapani, Devi, Bhavana, Sita. ===========END============== ====================== NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS ====================== CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. ===========END================== ================= Girls are always incomplete without boys ================== WOMAN has MAN in it ******** SHE has HE in it ******** Mrs. Has Mr. In it ******** LADY has LAD in it ******** MISTRESS has MISTER in it ******** MADAM has ADAM in it ******** HOSTESS has HOST in it ******** FEMALE has MALE in it so on the list is unending ******** Girls are always incomplete without boys *************END******************* ======================= 40 Tips for Better Life ======================= 1. Take a 10-30 minutes walk every day. And while you walk, smile. 2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 3. Sleep for at least 7 hours. 4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy. 5. Play more games. 6. Read more books than you did last year. 7. Make time to practice meditation, yoga, and prayer. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives. 8. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6. 9. Dream more while you are awake. 10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 11. Drink plenty of water. 12.. Try to make at least three people smile each day.. 13. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip. 14. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his / her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness. 15. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment. 16. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime. 17. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar. 18. Smile and laugh more. 19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others. 20. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. 21. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. 22. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present. 23. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. Don't compare your partner with others'. 24. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.. 25. Forgive every one for every thing. 26. What other people think of you is none of your business. 27. GOD heals everything.. 28. However good or bad a situation is -- it will change. 29. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Friends will. Stay in touch. . . 30. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. 31. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. 32.. The best is yet to come. 33. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. 34. Do the right thing ! 35. Call your family often. 36. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy. 37. Each day give something good to others. 38. Don't over do. Keep your limits. 39. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it. 40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about. TAKE CARE...... LOVE YOURSELF.... .... ===============XXX=============== ===================== Silly Questions! Stupid Answers ! ================== 1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here? Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here.. 2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt? Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again. 3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people. Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you? 4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good?? Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it. 5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big. Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. 6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask.... Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good? Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money. 7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping? Answer:- No.. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron. 8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair.... Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut? Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding...... 9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts? Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed. 10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke. Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ........it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!! =====x=====x======== ================== Killing English ================== Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigerette... ? " Class teacher once said : " pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!" once Hindi teacher said...."i'm going out of the world to America.." "..DON'T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK.." Dont..laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down..... it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said " why is fan not oning" (ing form of on) teacher in a furious mood... write down ur name and father of ur name!! "shhh... quiet... the principal is revolving around college" My manager started like this "Hi, I am Pinky, Married with two kids" "I'll illustrate what i have in my mind" said the professor and erased the board "will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF" LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ," IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE" Chemistry HOD comes and tells us.... "My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter" Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father "why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!" Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. "I understand. You understand. Computer how understand?? Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. "Keep quiet, the principal has passed away" ================================== ======================= 16 things it took me over 50 years to learn: By:Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist ========================= 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' 3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.' 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. 14. Your friends love you anyway. 15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic. 16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ ============== DES & Pardes ============== 1. Mother-in law: In Des - A women capable of making your life miserable. In Pardes - A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? 2. Husband: In Des - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. In Pardes -Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed. 3. Friend: In Des - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome. In Pardes -A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. 4. Wife: In Des - A woman who gives you your towel when you go to take a shower. In Pardes - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. 5. Son: In Des -- A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. In Pardes - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn. 6. Daughter: In Des - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave. In Pardes - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time. 7. Father: In Des - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed. In Pardes -A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. 8. Engineer: In Des -A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai. In Pardes -A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. 9. Desi Doctor: In Des -- A respectable person with ok income. In Pardes - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor ki biwi". 10. Bhangra: In Des - A vigorous punjabi festival dance. In Pardes - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. 11. Software Engineer: In Des - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue consulate visa line. In Pardes - The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year. 12. A Green Card holder bachelor: In Des - the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there. In Pardes - the guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan , dreams of owning a BMW. =================================== =========================== Read to laugh and learn !!! =========================== GREAT INDIANS ============= ARYABHATT (476 CE) MASTER ASTRONOMER AND MATHEMATICIAN Born in 476 CE in Kusumpur (Bihar), Aryabhatt's intellectual brilliance remapped the boundaries of mathematics and astronomy. In 499 CE, at the age of 23, he wrote a text on astronomy and an unparallel treatise on mathematics called 'Aryabhatiyam. ' He formulated the process of calculating the motion of planets and the time of eclipses. Aryabhatt was the first to proclaim that the earth is round, it rotates on its axis, orbits the sun and is suspended in space - 1000 years before Copernicus published his heliocentric theory. He is also acknowledged for calculating p (Pi) to four decimal places: 3.1416 and the sine table in trigonometry. Centuries later, in 825 CE, the Arab mathematician, Mohammed Ibna Musa credited the value of Pi to the Indians, 'This value has been given by the Hindus.' And above all, his most spectacular contribution was the concept of zero without which modern computer technology would have been non-existent. Aryabhatt was a colossus in the field of mathematics. BHASKARACHARYA II GENIUS IN ALGEBRA Born in the obscure village of Vijjadit (Jalgaon) in Maharastra, Bhaskaracharya' s work in Algebra, Arithmetic and Geometry catapulted him to fame and immortality. His renowned mathematical works called 'Lilavati' and 'Bijaganita' are considered to be unparalled and a memorial to his profound intelligence. Its translation in several languages of the world bear testimony to its eminence. In his treatise 'Siddhant Shiromani' he writes on planetary positions, eclipses, cosmography, mathematical techniques and astronomical equipment. In the 'Surya Siddhant' he makes a note on the force of gravity: 'Objects fall on earth due to a force of attraction by the earth. Therefore, the earth, planets, constellations, moon, and sun are held in orbit due to this attraction.' Bhaskaracharya was the first to discover gravity, 500 years before Sir Isaac Newton. He was the champion among mathematicians of ancient and medieval India. His works fired the imagination of Persian and European scholars, who through research on his works earned fame and popularity. ACHARYA KANAD FOUNDER OF ATOMIC THEORY As the founder of 'Vaisheshik Darshan'- one of six principal philosophies of India - Acharya Kanad was a genius in philosophy. He is believed to have been born in Prabhas Kshetra near Dwarika in Gujarat. He was the pioneer expounder of realism, law of causation and the atomic theory. He has classified all the objects of creation into nine elements, namely: earth, water, light, wind, ether, time, space, mind and soul. He says, 'Every object of creation is made of atoms which in turn connect with each other to form molecules.' His statement ushered in the Atomic Theory for the first time ever in the world, nearly 2500 years before John Dalton.. Kanad has also described the dimension and motion of atoms and their chemical reactions with each other. The eminent historian, T.N. Colebrook, has said, 'Compared to the scientists of Europe, Kanad and other Indian scientists were the global masters of this field.' NAGARJUNA (100 CE) WIZARD OF CHEMICAL SCIENCE He was an extraordinary wizard of science born in the nondescript village of Baluka in Madhya Pradesh. His dedicated research for twelve years produced maiden discoveries and inventions in the faculties of chemistry and metallurgy. Textual masterpieces like 'Ras Ratnakar,' 'Rashrudaya' and 'Rasendramangal' are his renowned contributions to the science of chemistry. Where the medieval alchemists of England failed, Nagarjuna had discovered the alchemy of transmuting base metals into gold. As the author of medical books like 'Arogyamanjari' and 'Yogasar,' he also made significant contributions to the field of curative medicine. Because of his profound scholarliness and versatile knowledge, he was appointed as Chancellor of the famous University of Nalanda. Nagarjuna's milestone discoveries impress and astonish the scientists of today. ACHARYA CHARAK (600 BCE) FATHER OF MEDICINE Acharya Charak has been crowned as the Father of Medicine. His renowned work, the 'Charak Samhita', is considered as an encyclopedia of Ayurveda. His principles, diagoneses, and cures retain their potency and truth even after a couple of millennia. When the science of anatomy was confused with different theories in Europe, Acharya Charak revealed through his innate genius and enquiries the facts on human anatomy, embryology, pharmacology, blood circulation and diseases like diabetes, tuberculosis, heart disease, etc. In the 'Charak Samhita' he has described the medicinal qualities and functions of 100,000 herbal plants. He has emphasized the influence of diet and activity on mind and body. He has proved the correlation of spirituality and physical health contributed greatly to diagnostic and curative sciences. He has also prescribed and ethical charter for medical practitioners two centuries prior to the Hippocratic oath. Through his genius and intuition, Acharya Charak made landmark contributions to Ayurvedal. He forever remains etched in the annals of history as one of the greatest and noblest of rishi-scientists. ACHARYA SUSHRUT (600 BCE) FATHER OF PLASTIC SURGERY A genius who has been glowingly recognized in the annals of medical science. Born to sage Vishwamitra, Acharya Sudhrut details the first ever surgery procedures in 'Sushrut Samhita,' a unique encyclopedia of surgery. He is venerated as the father of plastic surgery and the science of anesthesia. When surgery was in its infancy in Europe, Sushrut was performing Rhinoplasty (restoration of a damaged nose) and other challenging operations. In the 'Sushrut Samhita,' he prescribes treatment for twelve types of fractures and six types of dislocations. His details on human embryology are simply amazing. Sushrut used 125 types of surgical instruments including scalpels, lancets, needles, Cathers and rectal speculums; mostly designed from the jaws of animals and birds. He has also described a number of stitching methods; the use of horse's hair as thread and fibers of bark. In the 'Sushrut Samhita,' and fibers of bark. In the 'Sushrut Samhita,' he details 300 types of operations. The ancient Indians were the pioneers in amputation, caesarian and cranial surgeries. Acharya Sushrut was a giant in the arena of medical science. VARAHAMIHIR (499-587 CE) EMINENT ASTROLOGER AND ASTRONOMERA renowned astrologer and astronomer who was honored with a special decoration and status as one of the nine gems in the court of King Vikramaditya in Avanti (Ujjain). Varahamihir' s book 'panchsiddhant' holds a prominent place in the realm of astronomy. He notes that the moon and planets are lustrous not because of their own light but due to sunlight. In the 'Bruhad Samhita' and 'Bruhad Jatak,' he has revealed his discoveries in the domains of geography, constellation, science, botany and animal science. In his treatise on botanical science, Varamihir presents cures for various diseases afflicting plants and trees. The rishi-scientist survives through his unique contributions to the science of astrology and astronomy. ACHARYA PATANJALI (200 BCE) FATHER OF YOGA The Science of Yoga is one of several unique contributions of India to the world. It seeks to discover and realize the ultimate Reality through yogic practices. Acharya Patanjali, the founder, hailed from the district of Gonda (Ganara) in Uttar Pradesh. He prescribed the control of prana (life breath) as the means to control the body, mind and soul. This subsequently rewards one with good health and inner happiness. Acharya Patanjali's 84 yogic postures effectively enhance the efficiency of the respiratory, circulatory, nervous, digestive and endocrine systems and many other organs of the body. Yoga has eight limbs where Acharya Patanjali shows the attainment of the ultimate bliss of God in samadhi through the disciplines of: yam, niyam, asan, pranayam, pratyahar, dhyan and dharna. The Science of Yoga has gained popularity because of its scientific approach and benefits. Yoga also holds the honored place as one of six philosophies in the Indian philosophical system. Acharya Patanjali will forever be remembered and revered as a pioneer in the science of self-discipline, happiness and self-realization. ACHARYA BHARADWAJ (800 BCE) PIONEER OF AVIATION TECHNOLOGY Acharya Bharadwaj had a hermitage in the holy city of Prayag and was an ordent apostle of Ayurveda and mechanical sciences. He authored the 'Yantra Sarvasva' which includes astonishing and outstanding discoveries in aviation science, space science and flying machines. He has described three categories of flying machines: 1.) One that flies on earth from one place to another. 2.) One that travels from one planet to another. 3.) And One that travels from one universe to another. His designs and descriptions have impressed and amazed aviation engineers of today. His brilliance in aviation technology is further reflected through techniques described by him: 1.) Profound Secret: The technique to make a flying machine invisible through the application of sunlight and wind force. 2.) Living Secret: The technique to make an invisible space machine visible through the application of electrical force. 3.) Secret of Eavesdropping: The technique to listen to a conversation in another plane. 4.) Visual Secrets: The technique to see what's happening inside another plane. Through his innovative and brilliant discoveries, Acharya Bharadwaj has been recognized as the pioneer of aviation technology. ACHARYA KAPIL (3000 BCE) FATHER OF COSMOLOGY Celebrated as the founder of Sankhya philosophy, Acharya Kapil is believed to have been born in 3000 BCE to the illustrious sage Kardam and Devhuti. He gifted the world with the Sankhya School of Thought. His pioneering work threw light on the nature and principles of the ultimate Soul (Purusha), primal matter (Prakruti) and creation. His concept of transformation of energy and profound commentaries on atma, non-atma and the subtle elements of the cosmos places him in an elite class of master achievers - incomparable to the discoveries of other cosmologists. On his assertion that Prakruti, with the inspiration of Purusha, is the mother of cosmic creation and all energies, he contributed a new chapter in the science of cosmology. Because of his extrasensory observations and revelations on the secrets of creation, he is recognized and saluted as the Father of Cosmology. =================================== ======================== Old wine in New Bottle ! ======================== 1 ) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints" But now they are called.. " IT professionals " 2 ) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt: "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off" 3. ) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.. Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many, 4. ) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..! BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..! 5. ) Philosophy of life At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD , Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..! 6. ) What is a Fear? Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams...! 7. ) Useful Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer" No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..! 8.) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes? Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!" Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..! 9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you...! " Applicant: What is it? Interviewer: Its called the "door..!" 10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company.. Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us ================================= ============================= Newton in Romantic Mood: Universal law of Love: ============================= " Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money " ************ * First law of Love: " a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. " ************ * Second law of Love: " the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. " ************ * Third law of Love: " the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ." ********* =================================== =================== SUNDAY HOLY HUMOUR. =================== A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!' His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means? The son replied, 'I do know!' 'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?' 'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk. 'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady. ======== 'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.' ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.' ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.' ======== While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.' ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.' ======== People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, And The centre of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.' ======== The minister (in Canada) was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played, 'O Canada.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ================================ =================== Latest Love Letter =================== My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much ,I dare to say that You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and BOSCH (Invented for life) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI(Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Deliver ing a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones). If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers) Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other) . Now that HYUNDAI(we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life) , SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy ) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more). LG (Digitally Yours) !!!!! bye bye ======================= TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA ======================= 1) Qus. : What are you doing? Ans. : Business. Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX! 2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business? Ans. : Selling the Goods. Tax : PAY SALES TAX!! 3) Qus. : >From where are you getting Goods? Ans. : From other State/Abroad Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI! 4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods? Ans. : Profit. Tax : PAY INCOME TAX! Qus. : How do you distribute profit ? Ans : By way of dividend Tax : Pay dividend distribution Tax 5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods? Ans. : Factory. Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY! 6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX! 7) Qus. : Do you have Staff? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX! 8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX! Ans : No Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax 9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank? Ans. : Yes, for Salary. Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX! 10) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner? Ans. : Hotel Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX! 11) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX! 12) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX! 13) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount? Ans. : Gift on birthday. Tax : PAY GIFT TAX! 14) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX! 15) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going? Ans. : Cinema or Resort. Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX! 16) Qus.: Have you purchased House? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE ! 17) Qus.: How you Travel? Ans. : Bus Tax : PAY SURCHARGE! 18) Qus.: Any Additional Tax? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!! 19) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax? Ans. : Yes Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY! 20) INDIAN :: can i die now?? Ans :: wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!!! ============================= ================================ =============================== These are some of the romantic countries in the world. =============================== H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies. I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You. L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also. F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End. C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here..I Need Affection. B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always. N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers. I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration. ===================================== ============================= 21st CENTURY LIFELESSNESS..!! ============================= Our communication - Wireless, Our telephone - Cordless, Our cooking - Fireless, Our youth - Jobless, Our religion - Creedless, Our food - Fatless, Our faith - Godless, Our labor - Effortless, Our conduct - Worthless, Our relation - Loveless, Our attitude - Careless, Our feelings - Heartless, Our education - Valueless, Our Follies - Countless, Our arguments - Baseless, Our bosses - Hopeless, Finally, Our Salary - Veryless, This Email - Meaningless, AND ......... ......... ......... The person who is reading it - useless....!! !! --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ ============================= ======================= Love Marriages Why Love marriages are better than arranged marriages? Because Known Devils Are Better Than Unknown Devils. LAWYER MARRIAGE I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e.)Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence. DOCTOR MARRIAGE Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage. I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins. Be it Anacin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply. Pre-marital Love We were in long nine months before our marriage. One day my wife asked - "You don't love me as you did before our marriage." I replied - "I don't like to continue the pre-marital affairs." Beautiful Woman The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." Marrige Cost A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Wishful Thinking A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?". ======================= ============== DES & Pardes ============== 1. Mother-in law: In Des - A women capable of making your life miserable. In Pardes - A women you never fight with, because where else you will find such a dedicated baby sitter for free? 2. Husband: In Des - A boring human species, who listens more to his mother than you, and orders you around to serve him, his parents and siblings. In Pardes -Still boring, but now a useful human species that comes in handy when the house needs to be vacuumed. 3. Friend: In Des - A person whose house you can drop into any time of the day or night and you'll always be welcome. In Pardes -A person who you have to call first to check and make sure he is not busy. 4. Wife: In Des - A woman who gives you your towel when you go to take a shower. In Pardes - A woman who yells at you not to leave tub dirty when you go to take bath. 5. Son: In Des -- A teenager, who without asking will carry your grocery bags from the market. In Pardes - A teenager, who suddenly remembers he has lot of homework when you start mowing the lawn. 6. Daughter: In Des - A lovely doll, who brings tears to your eyes when her doli is about to leave. In Pardes - A lovely doll, who brings you to tears long before any doli time. 7. Father: In Des - A person you are afraid of, and who is never to be disobeyed. In Pardes -A person to whom you pretend to obey, after all he is the one paying your college tuition. 8. Engineer: In Des -A person with a respectable job and lots of upper ki kamai. In Pardes -A person without a secure job, who always dreams one day he will be rich. 9. Desi Doctor: In Des -- A respectable person with ok income. In Pardes - A money making machine, who has a money spending machine at home called "doctor ki biwi". 10. Bhangra: In Des - A vigorous punjabi festival dance. In Pardes - A desi dance you do, when you don't know how to dance. 11. Software Engineer: In Des - A high-tech guy, always speaks in American accent, always anxious to queue consulate visa line. In Pardes - The same hitech guy, who does Ganapati puja everyday, and says 'This is my last year in the US (or wherever)' every year. 12. A Green Card holder bachelor: In Des - the guy can't speak Hindi, parents of good looking girls are dying to hook him, wears jacket in summer, says he has a BMW back there. In Pardes - the guy can't speak English, wears jacket all the time, works in a Candy store at Manhattan , dreams of owning a BMW. =================================== ======================== Old wine in New Bottle ! ======================== 1 ) Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints" But now they are called.. " IT professionals " 2 ) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt: "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off" 3. ) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.. Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many, 4. ) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..! BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..! 5. ) Philosophy of life At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD , Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..! 6. ) What is a Fear? Fear is the Deep, Wrenching feeling in your stomach When pages of your book still smell new and Just few hours left for your exams...! 7. ) Useful Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer" No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..! 8.) Girl: Do you have Cards with sentimental Love quotes? Shopkeeper: Oh sure..@! How about this card, it says "To the only boy I ever loved.!" Girl: That's good, Give me 12 of them..! 9) After reading the form filled by an applicant.. The employer said: " WE do have an... opening for you...! " Applicant: What is it? Interviewer: Its called the "door..!" 10) A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company.. Drive Slowly, Don't kill our Employee.... . Leave them to us ============================================================ ============================= Newton in Romantic Mood: Universal law of Love: ============================= " Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money " ************ * First law of Love: " a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. " ************ * Second law of Love: " the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. " ************ * Third law of Love: " the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ." ********* =================================== =================== SUNDAY HOLY HUMOUR. =================== A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!' His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' What the Bible means? The son replied, 'I do know!' 'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?' 'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly, ' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' ======= There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. 'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk. 'Only the Ten Commandments. ' answered the lady. ======== 'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.' ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then, he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.' When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.' ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.' ======== While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.' ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.' ======== People want the front of the bus, The back of the church, And The centre of attention. ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt. ' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.' ======== The minister (in Canada) was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.' At that moment, the substitute organist played, 'O Canada.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ================================ =================== Latest Love Letter =================== My dear FAIR and LOVELY (ek chand ka tukda) , after WIPRO (Applying Thought) so much ,I dare to say that You are my TVS SCOOTY (First love) and BOSCH (Invented for life) and my AIWA (Pure passion). I always BPL (Believe in the best) and you are SANSUI(Better than the best). You are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a million smiles) for me. This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh ) feeling for me. I want you to be my life partner but I think you are worried about your father who is KAWASAKI BAJAJ CALIBER (The Unshakable) and my father who is CEAT (Born Tough) but don't worry as I am also FORD ICON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our family members are KELVINATORS (The Coolest ones). If they say no, we will run away and marry and PHILIPS (Let's Make Things Better). They will feel MIRINDA (Zor ka jhatka dhire se lage) but I believe in COCA COLA (Jo chahe ho jaye). For our marriage SAMSUNG DIGITALL (Everyone's Invited) and after marriage we'll be WHIRLPOOL (U and ME - The World's best homemakers) Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people) who love each other. And we are WILLS (Made for each other) . Now that HYUNDAI(we are listening) the song of love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (Real taste of life) , SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, Fast, Easy ) and PARX (Always Comfortable). So never forget me. Ok bye! I wrote little but PEPSI (Yeh dil mange more). LG (Digitally Yours) !!!!! bye bye ====================== India “Truth alone triumphs” ====================== Present * 5,000 year old ancient civilization * 325 languages spoken – 1,652 dialects * 18 official languages * 29 states, 5 union territories * 3.28 million sq. kilometers - Area * 7,516 kilometers - Coastline * 1.3 Billion population. * 5600 dailies, 15000 weeklies and 20000 periodicals in 21 languages with a combined circulation of 142 million. * GDP $576 Billion. (GDP rate 8%) * Parliamentary form of Government * Worlds largest democracy. * Worlds 4th largest economy. * World-class recognition in IT, bio-technology and space. * Largest English speaking nation in the world. * 3rd largest standing army force, over 1.5Million strong. * 2nd largest pool of scientists and engineers in the World. India has the largest movie industry in the world, producing over 800 movies a year. * Bharat Forge has the world's largest single-location forging facility, its clients include Honda, Toyota and Volvo amongst others. * Hero Honda with 1.7M motorcycles a year is now the largest motorcycle manufacturer in the world. * India is the 2nd largest tractor manufacturer in the world. * India is the 5th largest commercial vehicle manufacturer in the world. * Ford has just presented its Gold World Excellence Award to India's Cooper Tyres. * Suzuki, which makes Maruti in India has decided to make India its manufacturing, export and research hub outside Japan. * Hyundai India is set to become the global small car hub for the Korean giant and will produce 25k Santros to start with. * By 2010 it is set to supply half a million cars to Hyundai Korea. HMI and Ford. * The prestigious UK automaker, MG Rover is marketing 100,000 Indica cars made by Tata in Europe, under its own name. * Aston Martin contracted prototyping its latest luxury sports car, AM V8 Vantage, to an Indian-based designer and is set to produce the cheapest Aston Martin ever. India: Technology Superpower * Geneva-based STMicroelectronics is one of the largest semiconductor companies to develop integrated circuits and software in India. * Texas Instruments was the first to open operations in Bangalore, followed by Motorola, Intel, Cadence Design Systems and several others. * 80 of the World’s 117 SEI CMM Level-5 companies are based in India. * 5 Indian companies recently received the globally acclaimed Deming prize. This prize is given to an organization for rigorous total quality management (TQM) practices. * 15 of the world's major Automobile makers are obtaining components from Indian companies. * This business fetched India $1.5 Billion in 2003, and will reach $15 Billion by 2007. * New emerging industries areas include, Bio-Informatics, Bio-Technology, Genomics, Clinical Research and Trials. * World-renowned TQM expert Yasutoshi Washio predicts that Indian manufacturing quality will overtake that of Japan in 2013. * McKinsey believes India's revenues from the IT industry will reach $87 Billion by 2008. * Flextronics, the $14 billion global major in Electronic Manufacturing Services, has announced that it will make India a global competence centre for telecom software development. India: Trade * Tata Motors paid $ 118 million to buy Daewoo commercial vehicle Company of Korea. * Ranbaxy, the largest Indian pharmaceutical company, gets 70% of its $1 billion revenue from overseas operations and 40% from USA. * Tata Tea has bought Tetley of UK for £260M. * India is one of the world's largest diamond cutting and polishing centres, its exports were worth $6 Billion in 1999. * About 9 out of 10 diamond stones sold anywhere in the world, pass through India. * Garment exports are expected to increase from the current level of $6 billion to $25 billion by 2010. * The country's foreign exchange reserves stand at an all-time high of $120 Billion. * India's trade with China grew by by 104% in 2002 and in the first 5 months of 2003, India has amassed a surplus in trade close to $0.5M. * Mobile phones are growing by about 1.5Million a month. Long distance rates are down by two-thirds in five years and by 80% for data transmission. * Wal-Mart sources $1 Billion worth of goods from India - half its apparel. Wal-Mart expects this to increase to $10 Billion in the next couple of years. * GAP sources about $600 million and Hilfiger $100 million worth of apparel from India. India: Self-Reliance * India is among six countries that launch satellites and do so even for Germany, Belgium, South Korea, Singapore and EU countries. * India's INSAT is among the world's largest domestic satellite communication systems. * India’s Geosynchronous Satellite Launch Vehicle (GSLV) was indigenously manufactured with most of the components like motor cases, inter-stages, heat shield, cryogenic engine, electronic modules all manufactured by public and private Indian industry. * Kalpana Chawla was one of the seven astronauts in the Columbia space shuttle when it disintegrated over Texas skies just 16 minutes before its scheduled landing on Feb 1st 2003, she was the second Indian in space. * Back in 1968, India imported 9M tonnes of food-grains to support its people, through a grand programme of national self-sufficiency which started in 1971, today, it now has a food grain surplus stock of 60M. * India is among the 3 countries in the World that have built Supercomputers on their own. The other two countries being USA and Japan. * India built its own Supercomputer after the USA denied India purchasing a Cray computer back in 1987. * India’s new ‘PARAM Padma’ Terascale Supercomputer (1 Trillion processes per sec.) is also amongst only 4 nations in the world to have this capability. * India is providing aid to 11 countries, writing-off their debt and loaning the IMF $300M. * It has also prepaid $3Billion owed to the World Bank and Asian Development Bank. India: Pharmaceuticals * The Indian pharmaceutical industry at $6.5 billion and growing at 8-10% annually, is the 4th largest pharmaceutical industry in the world, and is expected to be worth $12 billion by 2008. * Its exports are over $2 billion. India is among the top five bulk drug makers and at home, the local industry has edged out the Multi-National companies whose share of 75% in the market is down to 35%. * Trade of medicinal plants has crossed $900M already. * There are 170 biotechnology companies in India, involved in the development and manufacture of genomic drugs, whose business is growing exponentially. * Sequencing genes and delivering genomic information for big Pharmaceutical companies is the next boom industry in India. India: Foreign Multi-National Companies Top 5 American employers in India: General Electric: : 17,800 employees Hewlett-Packard : 11,000 employees IBM : 6,000 employees American Express : 4,000 employees Dell : 3,800 employees * General Electric (GE) with $80 Million invested in India employs 16,000 staff, 1,600 R&D staff who are qualified with PhD’s and Master’s degrees. * The number of patents filed in USA by the Indian entities of some of the MNCs (upto September, 2002) are as follows: Texas Instruments - 225, Intel - 125, Cisco Systems - 120, IBM - 120, Phillips - 102, GE - 95. * Staff at the offices of Intel (India) has gone up from 10 to 1,000 in 4 years, and will reach 2000 staff by 2006. * GE's R&D centre in Bangalore is the company's largest research outfit outside the United States. The centre also devotes 20% of its resources on 5 to 10 year fundamental research in areas such as nanotechnology, hydrogen energy, photonics, and advanced propulsion. * It is estimated that there are 150,000 IT professionals in Bangalore as against 120,000 in Silicon Valley. India: R&D Labs Established in 2002 with just two people, has scaled up to 20 specialists today. Plans exist to double its headcount by the beginning of 2004. Is totally dedicated to high-level research on futuristic technologies, with special focus on emerging markets. Bangalore. Established in 1996 with 10 people, has scaled up to 895 people today, and will be further scaled up to 1,000 before the end of 2003. Works on developing software for Philips products. Almost all Philips products that use software have som e contribution from this centre. It is the largest software centre for Philips outside Holland. Innovation Campus, Bangalore. Established in November 1998 with 100 people, the Lab swill be scaled up to 1500 by the end of 2004. That will double 3000 staff by middle of 2006. It is the largest single-location R&D lab for SAP outside Walldorf, Germany. Nearly 10 percent of SAP's total R&D work is carried out from the Indian lab. Labs India, Bangalore. Established in 2001. Works on all IBM software like WebSphere, DB2, Lotus, Tivoli and Rational. The centre has added many new areas of activities such as middleware and business intelligence. Software Lab, Bangalore, Pune. Established in 1988 with 20 people, has scaled up to 1,000 today. Drives nearly 60 percent of the company’s global development delivery. R&D Centre, Bangalore and Mumbai. Established in mid-1999 with 20 people, has scaled up to 500 people today. Does work mainly on Sun's software which includes Solaris and Sun One. India Engineering Centre, Bangalore The Bangalore centre was established in 1994; the Hyderabad one in 1999. Oracle’s largest development centre outside the US currently has 6,000 staff. Does work on Oracle's database products, applications, business intelligence products and application development tools, besides other activities. India Development Centre, Bangalore, Hyderabad. Established in 1984. The centre started with just 20 people, now has 900 people working on VLSI and embedded software, which goes along with a chip or into the chip. R&D Centre, Bangalore Highlights R&D Centre India: BPO * The domestic BPO sector is projected to increase to $4 billion in 2004 and reach $65 billion by 2010. (McKinsey & Co.). * The outsourcing includes a wide range of services including design, architecture, management, legal services, accounting and drug development and the Indian BPOs are moving up in the value chain. * There are about 200 call centers in India with a turnover of $2 billion and a workforce of 150,000. * 100 of the Fortune 500 are now present in India compared to 33 in China. * Cummins of USA uses its R&D Centre in Pune to develop the sophisticated computer models needed to design upgrades and prototypes electronically and introduce 5 or 6 new engine models a year. * Business Week of 8th December 2003 has said "Quietly but with breathtaking speed, India and its millions of world-class engineering, business and medical graduates are becoming enmeshed in America's New Economy in ways most of us barely imagine". William H. Gates, Chairman and Chief Software Architect Microsoft Corporation (b-1955): “…after the Chinese, South Indians are the smartest people in the world.” India: Technology Superpower * Over 100 MNCs have set up R&D facilities in India in the past five years. These include GE, Bell Labs, Du Pont, Daimler Chrysler, Eli Lilly, Intel, Monsanto, Texas Instruments, Caterpillar, Cummins, GM, Microsoft and IBM. * India’s telecom infrastructure between Chennai, Mumbai and Singapore, provides the largest bandwidth capacity in the world, with well over 8.5 Terabits (8.5Tbs) per second. * With more than 250 universities, 1,500 research institutions and 10,428 higher-education institutes, India produces 200,000 engineering graduates and another 300,000 technically trained graduates every year. * Besides, another 2 million other graduates qualify out in India annually. * The Indian Institute of Technology (IIT) is among the top three universities from which McKinsey & Company, the world's biggest consulting firm, hires most. Indians abroad A snapshot of Indians at the helm of leading Global businesses The Co-founder of Sun Microsystems (Vinod Khosla), Creator of Pentium Chip (Vinod Dahm), Founder and creator of Hotmail (Sabeer Bhatia), Chief Executive of McKinsey & Co. (Rajat Gupta) President and CFO of Pepsi Cola (Indra Nooyi) President of United Airlines (Rono Dutta) GM of Hewlett Packard (Rajiv Gupta) President and CEO of US Airways (Rakesh Gangwal) Chief Executive of CitiBank (Victor Menezes), Chief Executives of Standard Chartered Bank (Rana Talwar) Chief Executive officer of Vodafone (Arun Sarin) President of AT & T-Bell Labs (Arun Netravali) Vice-Chairman and founder of Juniper Networks (Pradeep Sindhu) Founder of Bose Audio (Amar Bose) Founder, chip designer Cirrus Logic (Suhas Patil ) Chairman and CEO of Computer Associates (Sanjay Kumar) Head of (HPC WorldWide) of Unilever Plc. (Keki Dadiseth) Chief Executive Officer of HSBC (Aman Mehta) Director and member of Executive Board of Goldman Sachs (Girish Reddy) Chief Economist of the International Monetary Fund (Raghuram Rajan) Former CTO of Novell Networks (Kanwal Rekhi) Indians in the USA. * Of the 1.5M Indians living in the USA, 1/5th of them live in the Silicon Valley. * 35% of Silicon Valley start-ups are by Indians. * Indian students are the largest in number among foreign students in USA. Statistics that show: 38% of doctors in the USA, 12% of scientists in the USA, 36% of NASA scientists, 34% of Microsoft employees, 28% of IBM employees, 17% of INTEL scientists, 13% of XEROX employees, … are Indians. 1. India 44% 2. China 9% 3. Britain 5% 4. Philippines 3% 5. Canada 3% 6. Taiwan 2% 7. Japan 2% 8. Germany 2% 9. Pakistan 2% 10. France 2% US H1-B Visa applicants country of origin “IIT = Harvard + MIT + Princeton” “IIT = Harvard + MIT + Princeton” , says CBS ‘60 Minutes’. CBS' highly-regarded ‘60 Minutes’, the most widely watched news programme in the US, told its audience of more than 10 Million viewers that “IIT may be the most important university you've never heard of." "The United States imports oil from Saudi Arabia, cars from Japan, TVs from Korea and Whiskey from Scotland. So what do we import from India? We import people, really smart people," co-host Leslie Stahl began while introducing the segment on IIT. “…the smartest, the most successful, most influential Indians who've migrated to the US seem to share a common credential: They are graduates of the IIT.” “…in science and technology, IIT undergraduates leave their American counterparts in the dust.“ “Think about that for a minute: A kid from India using an Ivy League university as a safety school. That's how smart these guys are.” There are “cases where students who couldn't get into computer science at IIT, they have gotten scholarships at MIT, at Princeton, at Caltech.” Sounds of India Fashion and Miss World Year Position Miss India 2002 Semi-finalist Shruti Sharma 2001 Non Semi-finalist Sara Corner 2000 Winner Priyanka Chopra 1999 Winner Yukta Mookhey 1998 Non Semi-finalist Annie Thomas 1997 Winner Daina Hayden 1996 3rd runners up Rani Joan Jeyraj 1995 Non Semi-finalist Preeti Mankotia 1994 Winner Aishwariya Rai 1993 Non Semi-finalist Karminder Kaur 1992 Non Semi-finalist Celine Shyla 1991 Semi-finalist Ritu Singh 1990 Non Semi-finalist Naveeda Mehdi 1966 Winner Reita Faria Science of Yoga “…The science of yoga was born in an age when mankind as a whole was more enlightened, and could easily grasp truths for which our most advanced thinkers are still grasping.” The science of yoga meditation had been taught by the ancient, sages, gurus, yogis, through oral tradition for thousands of years, they were finally put to Sanskrit by Patanjali in 500 b.c. “…It is because the groping for these truths has begun again that great yogis have reintroduced this ancient science to humanity at large.” Pre-eminent among them, even today, are the sages of the Himalayas. Today, the word yoga is much used and much misunderstood these days, reduced from its knowledge on the control of the conscious to that of the control of the body. Indians of note Rabindranath Tagore, Poet and writer of India’s national anthem and Nobel Prize for Literature in 1913, (18611941): "Oneness amongst men, the advancement of unity in diversity – this has been the core religion of India.“ Swami Vivekananda, (1863-1902): “I am proud to belong to a religion which has taught the world both tolerance and universal acceptance. We believe not only in universal toleration, but we accept all religions as true. I am proud to belong to a nation which has sheltered the persecuted and the refugees of all religions and all nations of the earth. I am proud to tell you that we have gathered in our bosom the purest remnant of the Israelites, who came to Southern India and took refuge with us in the very year in which their holy temple was shattered to pieces by Roman tyranny. I am proud to belong to the religion which has sheltered and is still fostering the remnant of the grand Zoroastrian nation. I will quote to you, brethren, a few lines from a hymn which I remember to have repeated from my earliest boyhood, which is every day repeated by millions of human beings: ‘As the different streams having their sources in different paths which men take through different tendencies, various though they appear, crooked or straight, all lead to Thee.’ ” Sri Aurobindo, (1872-1950): “…Like the majority of educated Indians, I have passively accepted without examination, the conclusion of European scholarship.” “…That we turn always the few distinct truths and the symbols or the particular discipline of a religion into a hard and fast dogmas, is a sign that as yet we are only infants in the spiritual knowledge and are yet far from the science of the Infinite.” "...The mind is not the highest possible power of consciousness; for mind is not in possession of Truth, but only its ignorant seeker.” Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948): Gandhi was once asked what he thought about Western Civilization. His response was: "I think it would be a good idea.” "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.“ “You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.” “The only devils in this world are those running around inside our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought.” “If all Christians acted like Christ, the whole world would be Christian.” “Woman, I hold, is the personification of self-sacrifice, but unfortunately today she does not realize what tremendous advantage she has over man.” “Indians, will stagger humanity without shedding a drop of blood. ” “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” Guru Tegh Bahadur (1621-1675): The Kashmiri Brahmins, who were being persecuted by the Mughal emperor Aurangzeb, seeked the council of Guru Tegh Bahadur. The 9th guru of the Sikhs upon hearing of the Brahmins predicament, responded: “Unless a holy man lays down his head for the sake of the poor Brahmins, there is no hope for their escape from imperial tyranny .”, his young son reminded him “Revered father, who would be better equipped for this than yourself?” During Guru Tegh Bahadur’s subsequent imprisonment by Aurangzeb, he spoke out: “Hinduism may not be my faith, …but I would fight for the right of all Hindus to live with honour and practice their faith according to their own rites…. “ “All men are created by God and therefore must be free to worship in any manner they like. I neither convert others by force, nor submit to force, to change my faith.” The enraged Aurangzeb, upon realising Guru Tegh Bahadur would not convert to Islam, ordered his public beheading by the sword. His body was left in the dust as no one dared to pick up the body for fear of the emperors reprisal. Sir C.V. Raman, (1888 – 1970) 1930 - Nobel Laureate in Physics for work on scattering of light and Raman effect. Sir Jagdish Chandra Bose, (1858 – 1937) USA based IEEE has proved what has been a century old suspicion amongst academics that the pioneer of wireless-radio communication was Professor Jagdish Chandra Bose and not Guglielmo Marconi. Satyendranath Bose, (1894-1974) Indian Physicist, who solved one of the mysteries of quantum mechanics, showing that in the quantum world some particles are indistinguishable. His collaborations with Albert Einstein led to a new branch on statistical mechanics know commonly known as the “Einstein-Bose” statistics. Srinivasa Ramanujam,(1887 – 1920): Great Indian Mathematician, whose interest from academics at Trinity, College, Cambridge, led him to collaborate there and postulate and prove well over 3,542 theorems. Amartya Sen, (b-1933): 1998 - The Nobel Prize for Economics for his redefining work on ethical welfare economics. Currently residing as Lamont University Professor Emeritus at Harvard, after stepping down from the prestigious post of Master of Trinity College, Cambridge. Subramanyan Chandrasekhar, (1910-1995): 1983 Nobel Laureate in Physics. His many contributions to physics, on the structure and evolution of stars including rotational figures of equilibrium, stellar interiors, black holes, radiative transfer, hydromagnetic stability, stellar dynamics. Har Gobind Khorana, (b-1922 ): 1968 - Nobel Laureate in Medicine for work on interpretation of the genetic code . Currently residing as professor at MIT. Civilized Past India India never invaded any country in her last 10,000 years of history. It is the only society in the world which has never known slavery. India was the richest country on Earth until the time of the British in the early 17th Century Robert Clive’s personal wealth amassed from the blunder of Bengal during 1750’s was estimated at around £401,102 It has been estimated that the total amount of treasure that the British looted from India had already reached £1,000,000,000 (£1Billion) by 1901. Taking into consideration interest rates and inflation this would be worth close to $1,000,000,000,000 ($1Trillion) in real-terms today. Vedic Civilization Indus & Saraswati Civilizations Rise of Jainism and Buddhism Mauryan Period Golden Age of Indian Arts & Sciences Muslim Invasions The Mughal Empire Portuguese Invasion The British East-India Company The British Empire India's Freedom Struggle Independence Modern India 2020 Vision A Brief History of Time India * India invented the Number System. Zero was invented by Aryabhatta. The place value system, the decimal system was developed in India in 100 BC. * Aryabhatta was the first to explain spherical shape, size ,diameter, rotation and correct speed of Earth in 499 AD. * The World's first university was established in Takshila in 700 BC. Students from all over the World studied more than 60 subjects. * The University of Nalanda built in the 4th century was one of the greatest achievements of ancient India in the field of education. * Sanskrit is considered the mother of all higher languages. Sanskrit is the most precise, and therefore suitable language for computer software - a report in Forbes magazine, July 1987. * Ayurveda is the earliest school of medicine known to humans. Charaka, the father of medicine consolidated Ayurveda 2500 years ago. * Today Ayurveda is fast regaining its rightful place in civilization. * Christopher Columbus was attracted India's wealth and was looking for route to India when he discovered the American continent by mistake. * The art of Navigation was born in the river Sindh 6000 years ago. The word ‘Navigation’ is derived from the Sanskrit word NAVGATIH. The word navy is also derived from Sanskrit 'Nou'. * In Siddhanta Siromani (Bhuvanakosam 6) Bhaskaracharya II described about gravity of earth about 400 years before Sir Isaac Newton. He also had some clear notions on differential calculus, and the Theory of Continued Fraction. Languages of India Hindi Sanskrit Tamil Gujarati Urdu Punjabi Malayalam Bengali Marathi Konkani Kannada Assamese Telegu Oriya Rajasthani Vedic Philosophy The Vedas are the oldest written text on our planet today. They date back to the beginning of Indian civilization and are the earliest literary records of the human mind. They have been passed through oral tradition for over 10,000 years, and first appeared in written form between 2500 - 5,000 years ago. Veda means “Knowledge” in Sanskrit. The Ancient Vedic Hymns Rig Veda - Knowledge of Hymns, 10,859 verses “There is only one truth, only men describe it in different ways. “ Yajur Veda - Knowledge of Liturgy, 3,988 verses Sama Veda - Knowledge of Classical Music, 1,549 verses Ayur Veda - Knowledge of Medicine, over 100,000 verses Upanishads Jyotisha – Astrology and Astronomy. Kalpa – Rituals and Legal matters. Siksha – Phonetics. Aitareya – Creation of the Universe, Man and Evolution. Chandogya – Reincarnation, Soul. Kaushitaki – Karma. Kena – Austerity, Work, and Restraint. Dharnur Veda – Science of Archery and War. Mundaka – Discipline, Faith and warning of Ignorance. Sulba Sutra – Knowledge of Mathematics Yoga Sutra - Knowledge of Meditation Kama Sutra - Knowledge of Love and Sex Sanskrit (संस्कृत ) Sanskrit was the classical language of India, older than Hebrew and Latin. It is the oldest, most scientific, systematic language in the world. It became the language of all cultured people in India and in the countries that were influenced by India. Sanskrit literally means “refined” or “perfected” 'measuring the earth’ 'measuring triangular forms‘ ‘first person pronoun’ ‘the same’ mother papa / father brother sister geometry trigonometry door me name smile equal matar pitar bhratar svasar gyaamti trikonamiti dvaar ma naman smi eka Sanskrit meaning English meaning Sanskrit word India * Theory of Continued Fraction was discovered by Bhaskaracharya II. * Indians discovered Arithmetic and Geometric progression. Arithmetic progression is explained in Yajurveda. * Govindaswamin discovered Newton Gauss Interpolation formula about 1800 years before Newton. * Vateswaracharya discovered Newton Gauss Backward Interpolation formula about 1000 years before Newton. * Parameswaracharya discovered Lhuiler’s formula about 400 years before Lhuiler. * Nilakanta discovered Newton’s Infinite Geometric Progression convergent series. * Positive and Negative numbers and their calculations were explained first by Brahmagupta in his book Brahmasputa Siddhanta. * Aryabhatta also propounded the Heliocentric theory of gravitation, thus predating Copernicus by almost one thousand years. * Madhavacharya discovered Taylor series of Sine and Cosine function about 250 years before Taylor. * Madhavacharya discovered Newton Power series. * Madhavacharya discovered Gregory Leibnitz series for the Inverse Tangent about 280 years before Gregory. * Madhavacharya discovered Leibnitz power series for pi about 300 years before Leibnitz. * Bhaskaracharya calculated the time taken by the earth to orbit the sun hundreds of years before the astronomer Smart. Time taken by earth to orbit the sun: (5th century) 365.258756484 days * Infinity was well known for ancient Indians. Bhaskaracharya II in Beejaganitha(stanza-20) has given clear explanation with examples for infinity Similarities to Greek mythology Hercules (Herakles) fighting the Lernaean Hydra Krishna (Harekrsna) fighting the Kaliya Serpent Similarities to Greek mythology Dionysus (Dionysos) holding a Trident Shiva, holding the Trident, resting on a leopard skin with a Cobra perched beside him, his abode is Mount Kailas, Himalayas Dionysus (Dionysos) encircled with a snake, with leopard by his side, with the moon in the background, his abode is Mount Olympus Similarities to Biblical mythology The ancient Vedic Aryan Hindus (Indus Saraswati) spoke about a series of Ten Pitris who ruled before the global Flood. Ancient Babylonian legend speaks of a pre-Flood series of ten kings. The ancient Egyptians described Ten Shining Ones who ruled consecutively before the Deluge. The last of these kings in the aforementioned lists was the hero who led seven others aboard a vessel in which they survived the global Flood. In ancient India, the hero was Manu who survived the global- Flood "pralaya" with the Seven Rishis. In ancient Babylon, the hero's name was Zisudra who spear-headed the survival on the Ark of seven other humans, the Seven Apkallu. In ancient Egypt, the Flood hero was Toth who survived the Deluge along with the Seven Sages. Did the Vedic Aryans travel as far as Easter Island? The Easter Islands located in the Pacific Ocean, were situated far away from any civilization. The craftsmanship of these islands corresponds to the one of the ancient Incas. The sign script of the Easter Islands almost equals the ancient scripts of Indus Valley. Easter Island symbols Indus Saraswati symbols Were the Ancient Vedic civilisation of Indus Saraswati valley Trans-Oceanic seafarers? The Surya Siddhanta, A textbook on astronomy of ancient India, last compiled in 1000 BC, believed to be handed down from 3000 BC by aid of complex mnemonic recital methods still known today. Showed the Earth's diameter to be 7,840 miles, compared to modern measurements of 7,926.7 miles. Showed the distance between the Earth and the Moon as 253,000 miles, Compared to modern measurements of 252,710 miles. India * The value of "pi" was first calculated by Boudhayana, and he explained the concept of what is known as the Pythagorean Theorem. He discovered this in the 6th century long before the European mathematicians. This was ‘validated’ by British scholars in 1999. * Algebra, trigonometry and calculus came from India. Quadratic equations were propounded by Sridharacharya in the 11th century. * The largest numbers the Greeks and the Romans used were 106 whereas Hindus used numbers as big as 1053 with specific names as early as 5000 BC during the Vedic period. Even today, the largest used number is Tera: 1012. * Maharshi Sushruta is the father of surgery. 2600 years ago he and health scientists of his time conducted complicated surgeries like caesareans, cataract, artificial limbs, fractures, urinary stones and even plastic surgery. * Usage of anaesthesia was well known in ancient India. Over 125 surgical equipments were used. * Detailed knowledge of anatomy, physiology, aetiology, embryology, digestion, metabolism, genetics and immunity is also found in many texts. * When many cultures were only nomadic forest dwellers over 5000 years ago, Indians established Harappan culture in the Sindhu Valley Civilization. India Brahmagupta, 630 A.D., said, the following about Gravity, “Bodies fall towards the earth as it is in the nature of the earth to attract bodies, just as it is in the nature of water to flow". * The world famous and priceless “Kohinoor” diamond, which is set in the Crown of the British monarch (Queen Victoria, and Elizabeth II), was acquired from India. * According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the only source for diamonds to the world. * Chess (Shataranja or AshtaPada) was reportedly invented in India. * The game of snakes & ladders was created by the 13th century poet saint Gyandev. It was originally called 'Mokshapat.' The ladders in the game represented virtues and the snakes indicated vices. India * RigVedas (1.50), a hymn addressed to the Sun, refers quite clearly that the Sun traverses 2,202 yojanas in half a nimesha. This is in fact refers to the speed of light. * The World's First Granite Temple is the Brihadeswara temple at Tanjavur in Tamil Nadu. The shikhara is made from a single '80-tonne' piece of granite. Kalarippayat - Origin of Martial arts – 200 BC Kerala, South India, guardians of the origins of modern martial-arts, influenced by Yoga and connected to the ancient Indian sciences of war (dhanur-veda) and medicine (ayur-veda). The origin of kung-fu begins with the legend of a monk named Bodhidharma (also known as Ta Mo) who travelled from India to China around 500 A.D. Manipuri Bharata Natyam Odissi Mohini Attam Kuchipudi Kathakali Kathak 7 Classical Dance forms India's ancient achievements in Medical Science 20th Century Yogsootra Cunavidhi Definition of Sleep Prashna-Upanishad Bose, 19th Century Mahabharat Life in trees and plants 19th – 20th Century Upanishad 16 Functions of the Brain Eitereya Haneman, 18th Century S-Bhagwat (1-5-33) A material producing a disease can prevent or cure the disease in minute quantity 20th Century Mahabharat Developing Embyro in Vitro (Mahabharat)(5500 BCE) Mahabharat Eitereya Upanishad (6000 BCE) Shrimad Bhagwat Shrimad Bhagwat Mahabharat Mahabharat Heart Eitereya Upanishad -(6000 BCE) RigVed Shrimad Bhagwat Mahabharat (5500 BCE) RigVed (1-116-15) Ancient Reference 20th Century Cell Division (in 3 layers) 19th Century Embryology 18th Century Micro-organisms Not yet Elongation of Life in confirmed Space Travel Not possible yet Not possible yet Test Tube Babies ( from the ovum only) Test Tube Babies ( from the sperm only) 1860 – 1910 A.D. Chromosomes 20th Century Parthenogenesis Robinson, 1972 Beginning of the Foetal Labyrinth Analysis of Ears 20th Century Combination of Male and Female 1890 A.D. Number of Chromosomes (23) 20th Century Artificial Limb Modern Reference Knowledge India's ancient achievements in Physical Science 1800 A.D. Shrimad Bhagwat (4000 B.C.) Atom (Divisible) & (Indivisible) ---- RigVed,Ramayana,Samarangan Sutradhara (1050 A.D.) Aeroplanes ---- Samarangan Sutradhara (1050 A.D.) Robot ---- Valmiki Ramayan (7300 B.C) Entry in South America by Aeroplanes 1960 A.D. Valmiki Ramayan (7300 B.C) Phosphorescent Trident at the Bay of Pisco, Peru, S.America RigVed (23720 B.C) Eitereya Upanishad (6000 BCE) Vishvaruchi(Mundakopanishad) Spullingini (Mundakopanishad) Manojava (Mundakopanishad) Sudarshan, Sulohita (M.U) Sudhumravarna - (Mundakopanishad - M.U) (6000 B.C) Shankaracharya (500 B.C) Shrimad Bhagwat (4000 BC) Mahabharat (5500 BC) RigVed - Sayan Bhashya (1400 A.D) Ancient Reference 20th Century Black Holes 19th Century Embryology ---- Monsoon at Summer Solstice 20th Century Nuclear Energy 1968 Tachyons faster than light ---- Infra-Red Band ---- Ultraviolet Band 17th Century Gravitational Force (Prashnopanishad) Under trials Space Travel to another solar system 17-19th Century Trans-Saturnean Planets 19th Century Velocity of Light Modern Reference Knowledge Quotes J. Robert Oppenheimer, American nuclear physicist (1904-1967): "If the radiance of a thousand suns were to burst into the sky, that would be like the splendor of the Mighty One. . . . Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.“ Oppenheimer "the father of the atomic bomb" quoting from the Hindu scripture Bhagavad-Gita upon witnessing the mushroom cloud resulting from the detonation of the world’s first atomic bomb in New Mexico, U.S.A., on July 16, 1945. “Access to the Vedas is the greatest privilege this century may claim over all previous centuries. “ Victor Cousin, French Philosopher (1792-1867): "When we read the poetical and philosophical monuments of the East – above all, those of India, which are beginning to spread in Europe – we discover there many a truth, and truths so profound, and which make such a contrast with the meanness of the results at which European genius has sometimes stopped, that we are constrained to bend the knee before the philosophy of the East, and to see in this cradle of the human race the native land of the highest philosophy.“ Hu Shih, former Ambassador of China to USA (1891-1962): "India conquered and dominated China culturally for 20 centuries without ever having to send a single soldier across her border.” Dr. Arnold Joseph Toynbee, British Historian (1889-1975): "It is already becoming clear that a chapter which had a Western beginning will have to have an Indian ending, if it is not to end in the self-destruction of the human race. At this supremely dangerous moment in human history, the only way of salvation for mankind is the Indian way." Albert Einstein (1879 -1955): “When I read the Bhagavad-Gita and reflect about how God created this universe everything else seems so superfluous.” "We owe a lot to the Indians, who taught us how to count, without which no worthwhile scientific discovery could have been made.“ Will Durant, American historian, (1885-1981): "India was the motherland of our race, and Sanskrit the mother of Europe's languages; she was the mother of our philosophy; mother, through the Arabs, of much of our mathematics; mother, through the Buddha, of the ideals embodied in Christianity; mother, through the village community, of self-government and democracy. Mother India is in many ways the mother of us all". “Perhaps in return for conquest, arrogance and spoilation, India will teach us the tolerance and gentleness of the mature mind, the quiet content of the unacquisitive soul, the calm of the understanding spirit, and a unifying, a pacifying love for all living things.” Sir William Jones, Jurist, (1746-1794): “…The Sanskrit language is of wonderful structure, more perfect than the Greek, more copious than the Latin and more exquisitely refined than either. “... a stronger affinity than could possibly have been produced by accident; so strong, indeed, that no philologer could examine them all three, without first believing them to have sprung from some common source... ” Ralph Waldo Emerson, Philosopher (1803-1882): "I owed a magnificent day to the Bhagavad-Gita. It was the first of books; it was as if an empire spoke to us, nothing small or unworthy, but large, serene, consistent, the voice of an old intelligence which in another age and climate had pondered and thus disposed of the same questions which exercise us.“ “The Indian teaching, through its clouds of legends, has yet a simple and grand religion, like a queenly countenance seen through a rich veil. It teaches to speak truth, love others, and to dispose trifles. The East is grand - and makes Europe appear the land of trifles. ...all is soul and the soul is Vishnu ...cheerful and noble is the genius of this cosmogony” “When India was explored, and the wonderful riches of Indian theological literature found, that dispelled once and for all, the dream about Christianity being the sole revelation. - Nature makes a Brahmin of me presently.” Arthur Schopenhauer, German Philosopher (1788-1860): "In the whole world there is no study so beneficial and so elevating as that of the Upanishads. It has been the solace of my life – it will be the solace of my death." “It is the most rewarding and the most elevating book which can be possible in the world. “ “I believe that the influence of the Sanskrit literature will penetrate not less deeply than did the revival of Greek literature in the fifteenth century.” Henry David Thoreau, American Philosopher (1817-1862): “…In the morning I bathe my intellect in the stupendous and cosmological philosophy of the Bhagavad-Gita in comparison with which our modern world and its literature seem puny and trivial." “…Whenever I have read any part of the Vedas, I have felt that some unearthly and unknown light illuminated me. In the great teaching of the Vedas, there is no touch of the sectarianism. It is of ages, climes, and nationalities and is the royal road for the attainment of the Great Knowledge. When I am at it, I feel that I am under the spangled heavens of a summer night.“ Mark Twain, American Author (1835-1920): “This is India! The land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth and fabulous poverty, of splendor and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and Aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of a hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human speech, mother of history, grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of tradition, whose yesterdays bear date with the mouldering antiquities of the rest of the nations – the one sole country under the sun that is endowed with an imperishable interest for alien persons, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for all the shows of all the rest of the globe combined. Even now, after a lapse of a year, the delirium of those days in Bombay has not left me and I hope it never will.” Ken Wilber American Philosopher and Author (b-1949): “Larry [Warchowski] is just about as philosophically /spiritually well read as anyone you're likely to find, and The Matrix films are a stunning tribute to that fact. Larry said that when he found Ken's work, "It was like Schopenhauer discovering the Upanishads." Professor Max Muller, (1823-1900): "India, what can it teach us?, "If I were to look over the whole world to find out the country most richly endowed with all the wealth, power and beauty that nature can bestow, in some parts a very paradise on earth, I should point to India. If I were asked under what sky the human mind has most developed some of it choicest gifts, has most deeply pondered on the greatest problems of life and has found solutions of some of them which will deserve the attention even of those who have studied Plato and Kant, I should point to India. And if I were to ask myself from what literature we, here in Europe, who have been nurtured most exclusively on the thoughts of the Greeks and Romans and of the Semitic race and the Jewish may draw that corrective which is most wanted in order to make our inner life more comprehensive, more universal, in fact a more truly human life, again, I should point to India". The Encyclopaedia Britannica says: "Man must have an original cradle land whence the peopling of the earth was brought about by migration. As to man’s cradle land, there have been many theories but the weight of evidence is in favour of Indo-Malaysia.” "If there is a country on earth which can justly claim the honour of having been the cradle of the Human race or at least the scene of primitive civilization, the successive developments of which carried into all parts of the ancient world and even beyond, the blessings of knowledge which is the second life of man, that country is assuredly India.“ George Harrison, Beatles (1943 - 2001): "For every human there is a quest to find the answer to why I am here, who am I, where did I come from, where am I going. For me that became the most important thing in my life. Everything else is secondary." "Here everybody is vibrating on a material level, which is nowhere. Over there [India], they have this great feeling of something else that's just spiritual going on. “ Lin Yutang, Chinese writer, (1895-1976): “India was China’s teacher in religion and imaginative literature, and world’s teacher in Trigonometry, quadratic equations, grammar, phonetics, Arabian Nights, animal fables, chess as well as in philosophy, and she inspired Boccasccio, Goethe, Schopenhauer and Emerson." Voltaire Author and Philosopher, (1694-1778): "It does not behove us, who were only savages and barbarians when these Indian and Chinese peoples were civilized and learned, to dispute their antiquity." Aldous Huxley, English novelist (1894-1963): “The (Bhagavad) Gita is one of the clearest and most comprehensive summaries of the perennial philosophy ever to have been done. Hence its enduring value, not only for the Indians, but also for all mankind. It is perhaps the most systematic spiritual statement of the perennial philosophy. “ Dalai Lama, (b-1935): “Hindus and Buddhists, we are two sons of the same mother." Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936): “Now it is not good for the Christian's health to hustle the Hindu brown. For the Christian riles and the Hindu smiles and weareth the Christian down ; And the end of the fight is a tombstone while with the name of the late deceased and the epitaph drear , ‘A fool lies here who tried to hustle the east’ ". Apollonius Tyaneus Greek Thinker and Traveller, 1st Century AD "In India I found a race of mortals living upon the Earth, but not adhering to it. Inhabiting cities, but not being fixed to them, possessing everything but possessed by nothing." John Archibald Wheeler Theoretical Physicist, who coined “Black Hole” (b-1911): “I like to think that someone will trace how the deepest thinking of India made its way to Greece and from there to the philosophy of our times.” Guy Sorman, author of “Genius of India”: “Temporal notions in Europe were overturned by an India rooted in eternity. The Bible had been the yardstick for measuring time, but the infinitely vast time cycles of India suggested that the world was much older than anything the Bible spoke of. It seem as if the Indian mind was better prepared for the chronological mutations of Darwinian evolution and astrophysics.” Adam Smith, Father of economics, and author of “Wealth of Nations”: (1723-1790) "The difference between the genius of the British constitution which protects and governs North America, and that of the mercantile company [British East India Company] which oppresses and domineers in the East Indies[India], cannot perhaps be better illustrated than by the different state of those countries." H.G. Wells, Sociologist, and Historian and Author of “Time Machine” and “War of the Worlds” (1866-1946): "The history of India for many centuries had been happier, less fierce, and more dreamlike than any other history. In these favourable conditions, they built a character - meditative and peaceful and a nation of philosophers such as could nowhere have existed except in India." Friedrich Mejer: “It will no longer remain to be doubted that the priests of Egypt and the sages of Greece have drawn directly from the original well of India, that it is to the banks of the Ganges and the Indus that our hearts feel drawn as [if] by some hidden urge.” Jean-Sylvain Bailly, French Astronomer, (1736-1793): “The motion of the stars calculated by the Hindus before some 4500 years vary not even a single minute from the tables of Cassine and Meyer (used in the 19-th century). …The Hindu systems of astronomy are by far the oldest and that from which the Egyptians, Greek, Romans and - even the Jews derived from the Hindus their knowledge.” George Bernard Shaw, Irish dramatist, literary critic, socialist spokesman (1856-1950): “The Indian way of life provides the vision of the natural, real way of life. We veil ourselves with unnatural masks. On the face of India are the tender expressions which carry the mark of the Creator's hand.” Dr David Frawley, American Teacher, Doctor, Author, Speaker, Historian “India possesses a great indigenous civilization dating back to 7000 BC, such as recent archaeological discoveries at Mehrgarh clearly reveal. It had the most extensive urban culture in the world in the third millennium BCE with the many cities of the Indus and Sarasvati rivers. When the Sarasvati river of Vedic fame dried up in the second millennium BCE, the culture shifted east to the more certain rivers of the Gangetic plain, which became the dominant region of the subcontinent. Gone is the old idea of the Aryan invasion and an outside basis for Indian culture. In its place is the continuity of a civilization and its literature going back to the earliest period of history. Unfortunately, over the first fifty years since Independence, India has not discovered its real roots. Its intellectuals have mimicked Western trends in thought. They have forgotten their own profound modern sages like Swami Vivekananda and Sri Aurobindo who projected modern and futuristic views of the Indian tradition. While Westerners come to India seeking spiritual knowledge, Indian intellectuals look to the West with an adulation that is often blind, if not obsequious.” Francois Gautier, French Journalist and Writer (b-1950-): “Cry! O my beloved India!“ “The BJP government has fallen. You are exulting, O Christians! You seem to forget how much this country gave you: the first Christian community in the world, that of the Syrian Christians, was established in Kerala in the 1st century.” The BJP government has fallen. You are rejoicing, O Muslims! You seem to forget that Arab merchants came to Hindu India long before the first Muslim invasions of the 7th century. They were also welcomed and allowed to practise their religion in peace and to trade as they liked. The BJP government has fallen. You are rejoicing, O Marxists! But do you understand that Marxism is dead all over the world; and that even in China it is Marxism in name only, as its government actually implements capitalist policies? The BJP government has fallen. Your are rejoicing, O members of the Indian intelligentsia! You think that reading the latest New York Times bestseller, speaking polished English, and putting down your own countrymen, specially anybody who has a Hindu connection, makes you an intellectual. But in the process you have not only lost your roots, you have turned your back on a culture and civilisation that is thousands of years old and has given so much to the world. Cry O my beloved India, look what thy children have done to thee! Sights of India Mount Kailas, Himalayas “abode of snow” – in Sanskrit The Beauty of Kashmir Varanasi, Ganges River Western Thar Desert, Rajasthan “Gods Own Country”, Kerala The Gods of India 1 Billion people, 1 Billion Gods Rama Ganesha Saraswati Lakshmi Nanak Buddha Christ Devi Krsna Murugan SARASWATI Destroyer Shiva Preserver Vishnu Creator Brahman The Trinity The Ancient Indian Epics Ramayana Mahabharata Longest Epic in world literature with 100,000 two-line stanzas, first composed about 5000 years ago. The first Indian epic consisting of 24,000 verses divided into 7 books, composed about 6500 years ago. “After many births the wise seek refuge in me, seeing me everywhere and in everything. Such great souls are very rare.” "Your very nature will drive you to fight, the only choice is what to fight against.” “On action alone be your interest, Never on its fruits. Let not the fruits of action be your motive, Nor be thy attachment to inaction. “ “This is how actions were done by the ancient seekers of freedom; follow their example: act, surrendering the fruits of action.” “For certain is death for the born, and certain is birth for the dead; Therefore over the inevitable you should not grieve. “ “For the uncontrolled there is no wisdom. For the uncontrolled there is no concentration, and for him without concentration, there is no peace. And for the unpeaceful how can there ever be happiness? “ “When a man dwells on the objects of sense, he creates an attraction for them; attraction develops into desire, and desire breeds anger.“ The words of Lord Krsna crystallized in the Bhagavad Gita. Lord Krsna counsels Prince Arjuna during the Great Mahabharata War, in Kurukshetra, India, circa 3100 B.C., The 4 kinetic ideas behind Hindu Vedic Spirituality Karma Maya Nirvana Yoga The law of universal causality, which connects man with the cosmos and condemns him to transmigrate. The world is not simply what it seems to the human senses. Absolute reality, situated somewhere beyond the cosmic illusion woven by Maya and beyond human experience as conditioned by Karma. The state of absolute blessedness, characterized by release from the cycle of reincarnations; freedom from the pain and care of the external world; bliss. Implies integration; bringing all the faculties of the psyche under the control of the self is the Sanskrit word for; Amen (Christian) Amin (Muslim) Aum (Hindu) Hūm (Bhuddist) “AUM” or “OM” The first sound of the Almighty – Infinite Reality - Oneness with the supreme Future India has started construction of the World’s largest Buddha statue, it is being designed to last for the next 1,000 years. The statue will be situated at Kushinagar, Uttar Pradesh, where the Buddha passed away. The statue, destined to bring world peace, will be seated on a throne 17-storeys high, housing a huge temple with the feet resting on a Lotus, touching the Earth. India: World's Largest Maitreya Buddha Statue "In India today, we have a lady born a Catholic (Sonia Gandhi) stepping aside so a Sikh (Manmohan Singh) could be sworn in by a Muslim president (Abdul Kalam) to lead a nation that's 82% Hindu. I defy anyone to cite another country with such diversity and tolerance to its political leadership." Secular Tolerance Goldman Sachs Report of 1 October, 2003 – "Dreaming with BRICs: The path to 2050" India's GDP will reach $ 1 trillion by 2011, $ 2 trillion by 2020, $ 3 trillion by 2025, $ 6 trillion by 2032, $ 10 trillion by 2038, and $ 27 trillion by 2050, becoming the 3rd largest economy after USA and China. In terms of GDP, India will overtake Italy by the year 2016, France by 2019, UK by 2022, Germany by 2023, and Japan by 2032. Progress during the last 20 years Poverty (incidence) 1980s 1990s 2000 44% 36% 26% Education (literacy rate) 1980s 1990s 2000 44% 52% 65% Health (life expectancy) 1980s 1990s 2000 56 60 69 Source: World Bank (2003) Ex-Prime Minister, Sri Atal Bihari Vajpayee A treaty was signed on 6 January, 2004, establishing a South Asian Free Trade Area among the seven SAARC countries (India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Bhutan, Nepal, Sri Lanka and Maldives) in the region. India committed to a South Asian Union as the ultimate objective, with mutual security cooperation, open borders and a single currency in Southern Asia in the long run. "The bonds of ethnicity and culture which hold together the peoples of this region are more enduring than the barriers of political prejudice that have been erected quite recently.“ ”….Friends, India is ready to do everything that is necessary, to walk as many extra miles as may be required, to make this vision a reality.” Dr Abdul Kalam, President of India, father of India’s space, missile and satellite programme and author of “India 2020 Vision”. “I have three visions for India.” 1. “ In 3000 years of our history people from all over the world have come and invaded us, captured our lands, conquered our minds. From Alexander onwards. The Greeks, the Turks, the Moguls, the Portuguese, the British, the French, the Dutch, all of them came and looted us, took over what was ours. Yet we have not done this to any other nation. We have not conquered anyone. We have not grabbed their land, their culture, their history and tried to enforce our way of life on them. Why? Because we respect the freedom of others. That is why my first vision is that of FREEDOM. I believe that India got its first vision of this in 1857, when we started the war of independence. It is this freedom that we must protect and nurture and build on. If we are not free, no one will respect us. “ 2. My second vision for India is DEVELOPMENT. For fifty years we have been a developing nation. It is time we see ourselves as a developed nation. We are among top 5 nations of the world in terms of GDP. We have 10% growth rate in most areas. Our poverty levels are falling. Our achievements are being globally recognized today. Yet we lack the self-confidence to see ourselves as a developed nation, self-reliant and self-assured. 3. I have a THIRD vision. India must stand up to the world. Because I believe that unless India stands up to the world, no one will respect us. Only strength respects strength. We must be strong not only as a military power but also as an economic power. Both must go hand-in-hand.” India’s population to be the largest in the world India is set to overtake China as the world's most populous nation by 2050. India’s population is expected to grow from 1.08bn to 1.63bn people, overtaking China, which is forecast to reach 1.44bn from 1.3bn currently. India, will also have the highest working population in the World — 700 million people out of 1.1 billion people are young; the young population will continue till 2050. Annie Wood Besant, British Theosophical Society, (1847-1933): “After a study of some forty years and more of the great religions of the world, I find none so perfect, none so scientific, none so philosophical and none so spiritual than the great religion known by the name of Hinduism. Make no mistake, without Hinduism, India has no future. Hinduism is the soil in to which India's roots are stuck and torn out of that she will inevitably wither as a tree torn out from its place. And if Hindus do not maintain Hinduism - who shall save it? If India's own children do not cling to her faith * who shall guard it? * India alone can save India and India and Hinduism are one.” ============================ ====================== Here to there ! There to here ! ====================== DILIP VENGSARKAR When you rearrange the letters: SPARKLING DRIVE PRINCESS DIANA When you rearrange the letters: END IS A CAR SPIN MONICA LEWINSKY When you rearrange the letters: NICE SILKY WOMAN DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION hen you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER =============End============== ============ Get amazed ============ 1 x 8 + 1 = 9 12 x 8 + 2 = 98 123 x 8 + 3 = 987 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321 =============================== ====================== STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS: ====================== BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy. GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me... GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?? BOY : Sure, what's your phone number?? GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest. BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever. BOY : Don't you ever want to improve?? BOY : I love you and I could die for you! GIRL : How soon?? BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you! GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?? MAN : You remind me of the sea. WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting? MAN : NO, because you make me sick. WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other. HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth. MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter? PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly. 1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?" Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday". 2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" Pupil : "The moon". Teacher : "Why?" Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it". 3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" Pupil : "A teacher". 4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?" Customer : "What other colors do you have?" 5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. 6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !" Sam : "It's a family tradition". Teacher : "What do you mean?" Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher". Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman". 7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?" David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated". 8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love". 9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook". 10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?" Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died". 11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father coincidencely got married on the same day and at the same time." =====================END================ =============== Famous Mothers =============== COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?" NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me." ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you." GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!" THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!" PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?" =============END================= ================ Brilliant Doubts - Unanswered ================ 1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird) 2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be give a thought) 3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd) 4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking) 5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows) 6.Can you cry under water? (let me try) 7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else) 8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell) 10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes) 12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch) 13.What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed) 14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help ) 17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can) 18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isnt it) 19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically) 20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i dont have a chan ce to try) 21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice) 22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice) 23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law) ================END================= ============================= Pyramid Of Life Use this In Your Life ====================== Talk------Softly Walk-----------Humbly Eat----------------Sensibly Breathe-----------------Deeply Sleep----------------------Sufficiently Dress------------------------------Smartly Act-----------------------------------Fearlessly Work--------------------------------------Patiently Think---------------------------------------Truthfully Believe----------------------------------------Correctly Behave-------------------------------------------Decently Learn--------------------------------------------Practically Plan---------------------------------------------------Orderly Earn-----------------------------------------------------Honestly Save--------------------------------------------------------Regularly Spend-----------------------------------------------------Intelligently Love----------------------------------------------------------Passionately =========================================== ================================== =============== I AM THANKFUL: =============== FOR THE WIFE WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME, AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. [] FOR THE HUSBAND WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS. [] FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS. [] FOR TAXES I PAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED [] FOR MESSES TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. [] FOR CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. [] FOR MY SHADOW WHICH WATCHES ME WORK BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE [] FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. [] FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.. [] FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION . [] FOR MY HUGE ELECTRICITY BILL BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM Cool. FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR. [] FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. [] FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. [] FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE. [] AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MANY E-MAILS BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. =============END============== ================== Headlines for the year 1st Jan 2025 ================== Dhoom 17 ready for release. I will play next world cup - Sachin Tendulkar Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend Aishwarya's 3rd marriage. Mein to ab bhi jawan hoon - Dev Anand's new movie set for release where he plays son of Aamir Khan & Madhuri Dixit. After remakes of 45 films of Amitabh, Shahrukh now to play Amitabh's role in remake of "Jhoom Barabar Jhoom" . Amitabh's new movie with Shahrukh Khan's daughter "Ek aur Nishabdh" Petrol Rs. 999 / ltr. Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes & Baa has completed 400yrs. Coach Ganguly resigns, as India went out of The World Cup in 1st round after losing to Korea . N.Siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he is the Host & the Guest too. Riots in the Parliament as the newly elected MPs Mallika Sheravat & Rakhi Sawant enter the assembly. Maruti launches its new Hovercraft "SX-25". Honda, Toyota & Tata to follow. A cap found in Mithi river - Sources say it belonged to a species called Himesh Reshammiya. ===========END========= ==================== Take these Mistakes ==================== If a barber makes a mistake , It's a NEW STYLE If a driver makes a mistake, It is a NEW PATH If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a NEW VENTURE If a politician makes a mistake, It is a NEW LAW If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a NEW INVENTION If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a NEW FASHION If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a NEW THEORY If parents makes a mistake, It is a NEW GENERATION. If our boss makes a mistake, It is a NEW IDEA If an employee makes a mistake, It is a MISTAKE ONLY ==============END================= ================ CHINESE PROVERBS ================ Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. Man who run in front of car get tyred. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator smell different to midget. =================END=================== ===================================== STATEMENTS,Statements and statements: ===================================== 1. God is real, unless declared integer 2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more. 3. Death is hereditary. 4. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side. 5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing. 6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them. 7. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 8. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets. 9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come . 10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. 11. Well done is better than well said . 12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking. 13. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 14. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. 15. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives. 16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die ===============END=============== ====================== WINNERS VERSUS LOSERS ====================== ♦ The Winner is always part of the answer; The Loser is always part of the problem. ********* ♦ The Winner always has a program; The Loser always has an excuse. ********* ♦ The Winner says, "Let me do it for you"; The Loser says, "That is not my job." ********* ♦ The Winner sees an answer for every problem; The Loser sees a problem for every answer. ********* ♦ The Winner says, " It may be difficult but it is possible"; The Loser says, "It may be possible but i t is too difficult." ********* ♦ When a Winner makes a mistake, he says, "I was wrong"; When a Loser makes a mistake, he says, "It wasn't my fault." ********* ♦ A Winner makes commitments; A Loser makes promises. ********* ♦ Winners have dreams; Losers have schemes. ********* ♦ Winners say, "I must do something"; Losers say, "Something must be done." ********* ♦ Winners are a part of the team; Losers are apart from the team. ********* ♦ Winners see the gain; Losers see the pain. ********* ♦ Winners see possibilities; Losers see problems. ********* ♦ Winners believe in win-win; Losers believe for them to win someone has to lose. ********* ♦ Winners see the potential; Losers see the past. ********* ♦ Winners are like a thermostat; Losers are like thermometers. ********* ♦ Winners choose what they say; Losers say what they choose. ********* ♦ Winners use hard arguments but soft words; Losers use soft arguments but hard words. ********* ♦ Winners stand firm on values but compromise on petty things; Losers stand firm on petty things but compromise on values. ********* ♦ Winners follow the philosophy of empathy: "Don't do to others what you would not want them to do to you"; Losers follow the philosophy, "Do it to others before they do it to you ." ********* ♦ Winners make it happen; Losers let it happen. ********* ♦ Winners plan and prepare to win. The key word is preparation. ********* ================END============== ================ Tongue Twisters =============== 1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand! ********** 2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish. ********** 3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds. ********** 4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea. ********** 5 . Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People ********** 6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch? ********** 7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much. ********** 8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?" ********** 9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside. ********** 10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES ********** 11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn. ********** 12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors? "When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way" ********** 13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not. ********** 14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely . ********** 15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue ********** 16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues. ********** 17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw ..... ****** ========================END========================= ====================== So near and yet so far. ======================= No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, youare going to say . a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.) Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Babies are born without kneecaps They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that) There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. ======================================================= =========================== Winners of the Nobel Prize in LITERATURE since 1960: ======================================= 2007: Doris Lessing, Britain. 2006: Orhan Pamuk, Turkey. 2005: Harold Pinter, Britain. 2004: Elfriede Jelinek, Austria. 2003: J.M. Coetzee, South Africa. 2002: Imre Kertesz, Hungary. 2001: V.S. Naipaul, Trinidad-born Briton. 2000: Gao Xingjian, Chinese-born French. 1999: Guenter Grass, Germany. 1998: Jose Saramago, Portugal. 1997: Dario Fo, Italy. 1996: Wislawa Szymborska, Poland. 1995: Seamus Heaney, Ireland. 1994: Kenzaburo Oe, Japan. 1993: Toni Morrison, United States. 1992: Derek Walcott, St. Lucia. 1991: Nadine Gordimer, South Africa. 1990: Octavio Paz, Mexico. 1989: Camilo Jose Cela, Spain. 1988: Naguib Mahfouz, Egypt. 1987: Joseph Brodsky, Russian-born American. 1986: Wole Soyinka, Nigeria. 1985: Claude Simon, France. 1984: Jaroslav Seifert, Czechoslovakia. 1983: William Golding, Britain. 1982: Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Colombia. 1981: Elias Canetti, Bulgarian-born Briton. 1980: Czeslaw Milosz, Polish-born American. 1979: Odysseus Elytis, Greece. 1978: Isaac Bashevis Singer, Polish-born American. 1977: Vicente Aleixandre, Spain. 1976: Saul Bellow, Canadian-born American. 1975: Eugenio Montale, Italy. 1974: Eyvind Johnson and Harry Martinson, Sweden. 1973: Patrick White, British-born Australian. 1972: Heinrich Boell, West Germany. 1971: Pablo Neruda, Chile. 1970: Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Russia. 1969: Samuel Beckett, Ireland. 1968: Yasunari Kawabata, Japan. 1967: Miguel A. Asturias, Guatemala. 1966: Shmuel Y. Agnon, Polish-born Israeli, and Nelly Sachs, German-born Swede. 1965: Mikhail Sholokhov, Russia. 1964: Jean-Paul Sartre, France (declined award). 1963: Giorgos Seferis, Turkish-born Greek. 1962: John Steinbeck, United States. 1961: Ivo Andric, Yugoslavia. 1960: Saint-John Perse, Guadeloupe-born French ==============END=============== ======================== TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA ======================== 1) Qus. : What are you doing? Ans.: Business. Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX! 2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business? Ans.: Selling the Goods. Tax: PAY SALES TAX!! 3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods? Ans.: From other State/Abroad Tax: PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI! 4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods? Ans..: Income. Tax: PAY INCOME TAX! 5) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods? Ans.: Factory. Tax: PAY EXCISE DUTY! 6) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX! 7) Qus. : Do you have Staff? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX! 8) Qus. : Doing business in Millions? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY TURNOVER TAX! 9) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank? Ans.: Yes, for Salary. Tax: PAY CASH HANDLING TAX! 10) Qus. : Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner? Ans.: Hotel Tax: PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX! 11) Qus. : Are you going Out of Station for Business? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX! 12) Qus. : Have you taken or given any Service/s? Ans.: Yes Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX! 13) Qus. : How come you got such a Big Amount? Ans.: Gift on birthday. Tax: PAY GIFT TAX! 14) Qus. : Do you have any Wealth? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY WEALTH TAX! 15) Qus. : To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going? Ans.: Cinema or Resort. Tax: PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX! 16) Qus. : Have you purchased House? Ans.: Yes Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE ! 17) Qus. : How you Travel? Ans.: Bus Tax: PAY SURCHARGE! 18) Qus. : Any Additional Tax? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!! 19) Qus. : Delayed any time Paying Any Tax? Ans.: Yes Tax: PAY INTEREST & PENALTY =============END=============== ===================== Bill Gates Profile ===================== Name: Bill Gates Nickname: Trey Date of birth: 28 October 1955 Place of birth: Seattle, Washington, USA Birth name: William Henry Gates III Height: 5' 10 Family and Early Childhood - On October 28, 1955, shortly after 9:00 p.m., William Henry Gates III was born. He was born into a family with a rich history in business, politics, and community service. His great-grandfather had been a state legislator and mayor, his grandfather was the vice president of a national bank, and his father was a prominent lawyer. [Wallace, 1992, p. 8-9] Early on in life, it was apparent that Bill Gates inherited the ambition, intelligence, and competitive spirit that had helped his progenitors rise to the top in their chosen professions. In elementary school he quickly surpassed all of his peer's abilities in nearly all subjects, especially math and science. His parents recognized his intelligence and decided to enroll him in Lakeside, a private school known for its intense academic environment. This decision had far reaching effects on Bill Gates's life. For at Lakeside, Bill Gates was first introduced to computers. First computing Experience - In the Spring of 1968, the Lakeside prep school decided that it should acquaint the student body with the world of computers [Teamgates.com, 9/29/96]. Computers were still too large and costly for the school to purchase its own. Instead, the school had a fund raiser and bought computer time on a DEC PDP-10 owned by General Electric. A few thousand dollars were raised which the school figured would buy more than enough time to last into the next school year. However, Lakeside had drastically underestimated the allure this machine would have for a hand full of young students. Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and a few other Lakeside students (many of whom were the first programmers hired at Microsoft) immediately became inseparable from the computer. They would stay in the computer room all day and night, writing programs, reading computer literature and anything else they could to learn about computing. Soon Gates and the others started running into problems with the faculty. Their homework was being turned in late (if at all), they were skipping classes to be in the computer room and worst of all, they had used up all of the schools computer time in just a few weeks. [Wallace, 1992, p. 24] In the fall of 1968, Computer Center Corporation opened for business in Seattle. It was offering computing time at good rates, and one of the chief programmers working for the corporation had a child attending Lakeside. A deal was struck between Lakeside Prep School and the Computer Center Corporation that allowed the school to continue providing it's students with computer time. [Wallace, 1992, p. 27] Gates and his comrades immediately began exploring the contents of this new machine. It was not long before the young ha�kers started causing problems. They caused the system to crash several times and broke the computers security system. They even altered the files that recorded the amount of computer time they were using. They were caught and the Computer Center Corporation banned them from the system for several weeks. Bill Gates, Paul Allen and, two other ha�kers from Lakeside formed the Lakeside Programmers Group in late 1968. They were determined to find a way to apply their computer skills in the real world. The first opportunity to do this was a direct result of their mischievous activity with the school's computer time. The Computer Center Corporation�s business was beginning to suffer due to the systems weak security and the frequency that it crashed. Impressed with Gates and the other Lakeside computer addicts' previous assaults on their computer, the Computer Center Corporation decided to hire the students to find bugs and expose weaknesses in the computer system. In return for the Lakeside Programming Group's help, the Computer Center Corporation would give them unlimited computer time [Wallace, 1992, p. 27]. The boys could not refuse. Gates is quoted as saying "It was when we got free time at C-cubed (Computer Center Corporation) that we really got into computers. I mean, then I became hardcore. It was day and night" [Wallace, 1992, p. 30]. Although the group was hired just to find bugs, they also read any computer related material that the day shift had left behind. The young ha�kers would even pick employees for new information. It was here that Gates and Allen really began to develop the talents that would lead to the formation of Microsoft seven years later. Roots of Business Career - Computer Center Corporation began to experience financial problems late in 1969. The Company finally went out of business in March of 1970. The Lakeside Programmers Group had to find a new way to get computer time. Eventually they found a few computers on the University of Washington's campus where Allen's dad worked. The Lakeside Programmers Group began searching for new chances to apply their computer skills. Their first opportunity came early the next year when Information Sciences Inc. hired them to program a payroll program. Once again the group was given free computer time and for the first time, a source of income. ISI had agreed to give them royalties whenever it made money from any of the groups programs. As a result of the business deal signed with Information Sciences Inc., the group also had to become a legal business [Wallace, 1992, p. 42-43]. Gates and Allen's next project involved starting another company entirely on their own, Traf-O-Data. They produced a small computer which was used to help measure traffic flow. From the project they grossed around $20,000. The Traf-O-Data company lasted until Gates left for college. During Bill Gates' junior year at Lakeside, the administration offered him a job computerizing the school's scheduling system. Gates asked Allen to help with the project. He agreed and the following summer, they wrote the program. In his senior year, Gates and Allen continued looking for opportunities to use their skills and make some money. It was not long until they found this opportunity. The defense contractor TRW was having trouble with a bug infested computer similar to the one at Computer Center Corporation. TRW had learned of the experience the two had working on the Computer Center Corporation�s system and offered Gates and Allen jobs. However thing would be different at TRW they would not be finding the bugs they would be in charge of fixing them. "It was at TRW that Gates began to develop as a serious programmer," and it was there that Allen and Gates first started talking seriously about forming their own software company [Wallace, 1992, p. 49-51]. In the fall of 1973, Bill Gates left home for Harvard University [Teamgates.com, 9/29/96]. He had no idea what he wanted to study, so he enrolled as prelaw. Gates took the standard freshman courses with the exception of signing up for one of Harvard's toughest math courses. He did well but just as in high school, his heart was not in his studies. After locating the school's computer center, he lost himself in the world of computers once again. Gates would spend many long nights in front of the school's computer and the next days asleep in class. Paul Allen and Gates remained in close contact even with Bill away at school. They would often discuss ideas for future projects and the possibility of one day starting a business. At the end of Gates's first year at Harvard, the two decided that Allen should move closer to him so that they may be able to follow up on some of their ideas. That summer they both got jobs working for Honeywell [Wallace, 1992, p. 59]. As the summer dragged on, Allen began to push Bill harder with the idea that they should open a software company. Gates was still not sure enough to drop out of school. The following year, however, that would all change. The Birth of Microsoft - In December of 1974, Allen was on his way to visit Gates when along the way he stopped to browse the current magazines. What he saw changed his and Bill Gates's lives forever. On the cover of Popular Electronics was a picture of the Altair 8080 and the headline "World's First Microcomputer Kit to Rival Commercial Models." He bought the issue and rushed over to Gates's dorm room. They both recognized this as their big opportunity. The two knew that the home computer market was about to explode and that someone would need to make software for the new machines. Within a few days, Gates had called MITS (Micro Instrumentation and Telemetry Systems), the makers of the Altair. He told the company that he and Allen had developed a BASIC that could be used on the Altair [Teamgates.com, 9/29/96]. This was a lie. They had not even written a line of code. They had neither an Altair nor the chip that ran the computer. The MITS Company did not know this and was very interested in seeing their BASIC. So, Gates and Allen began working feverishly on the BASIC they had promised. The code for the program was left mostly up to Bill Gates while Paul Allen began working on a way to simulate the Altair with the schools PDP-10. Eight weeks later, the two felt their program was ready. Allen was to fly to MITS and show off their creation. The day after Allen arrived at MITS, it was time to test their BASIC. Entering the program into the company's Altair was the first time Allen had ever touched one. If the Altair simulation he designed or any of Gates's code was faulty, the demonstration would most likely have ended in failure. This was not the case, and the program worked perfectly the first time [Wallace, 1992, p. 80]. MITS arranged a deal with Gates and Allen to buy the rights to their BASIC.[Teamgates. com, 9/29/96] Gates was convinced that the software market had been born. Within a year, Bill Gates had dropped out of Harvard and Microsoft was formed. by - John Mirick * 1955 - William Henry Gates III is born on October 28th in Seattle, Washington. Popularly known as Bill Gates, his family called him "Trey" when he was little. * 1967 - Bill enrolls in the Lakeside School in Seattle and met Paul Allen. * 1969 - Bill and Paul (a.k.a "Lakeside Programming Group") reports bugs in exchange for computer time. * 1972 - Bill and Paul forms Traf-O-Data and develops hardware/software to record highway traffic. * 1973 - Bill Gates graduates from Lakeside High and enrolls in Harvard University, where he majors in pre-law. * 1974 - Bill Gates and Paul Allen forms Micro-soft. * 1975 - Bill and Paul writes the first computer language called BASIC and license it to MITS. * 1976 - Bill writes software routines for BASIC on the Altair to use diskettes for storage. Gates writes his famous "Open Letter to Hobbyists", accusing them of software piracy. Bill Gates drops out of Harvard. * 1977 - Bill Gates and Paul Allen officially registers a partnership, and Micro-soft becomes Microsoft. * 1980 - Tim Paterson began writing an OS for use on Seattle Computer Products' (SCP) 8086-based computer. IBM representatives meet Gates and Steve Ballmer to write the OS for their upcoming computer. They meet again and IBM showed the "Acorn" computer running on an 8-bit 8080 processor. Gates recommends the use of a 16-bit 8086 processor instead and promises an operating system. SCP ships QDOS 0.10 (Quick & Dirty Operating System). Paul Allen approachs SCP and purchased the rights to resell to an unnamed client for $50,000 - IBM. Microsoft propose to be in-charged of IBM's entire software development and convert DOS for IBM's PC. * 1981 - Microsoft buys all the rights to SCP's DOS and renames it MS-DOS. IBM introduces its first desktop, Data master, which runs on the 16-bit 8086 CPU and Microsoft's MS-DOS. * 1983 - Microsoft announces Windows 1.0. * 1985 - Bill Gates gives keynote speech at Comdex. Microsoft releases Windows 1.0. * 1986 - Microsoft is taken public at an IPO price of $21/share. Bill Gates became a billionaire at 31 years old - the youngest person to do so. * 1990 - Microsoft releases Windows 3.0 and Microsoft's sales top $1 billion for the first time. * 1994 - Bill Gates and Melinda French gets married in Hawaii on January 1st. Bill Gates becomes the richest person in America later in the year. * 1995 - Microsoft releases Windows 95 and Bill Gates becomes the richest person in the world. * 1996 - Jennifer Katherine Gates is born on April 26th. * 1998 - Bill, Melinda and Jennifer move into their new multi-million dollar house in Medina, Washington. Microsoft releases Windows 98. * 1999 - Bill's fortunes swell to $90 billion and maintains his position on Forbes list as the wealthiest person alive. * 2000 - Microsoft releases Windows 2000 and Windows ME. * 2001 - Microsoft releases Windows XP. * 2002 - Stocks and lawsuits bring Gates' net worth down to $53 billion - still good enough for #1 on Forbes list. * 2003 - Microsoft releases Windows Server 2003. * 2004 - Microsoft announces a new OS, codenamed Longhorn. * 2005 - Longhorn is officially named Windows Vista. * 2006 - After numerous delays, Windows Vista is finally released to business users. Microsoft also RTMs Office 2007. * 2007 - Bill Gates officiates the public release of Windows Vista in New York's Times Square at midnight on January 30th. ===================END======================= ================================ IF BILL GATES START MAKING FILMS IN BOLLYWOOD ! NAMES OF HIS "WOULD BE FILMS." ================================ 1 Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!! 2. Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai 3. Aao Chat Kare 4. Programmer No.1 5. Mera Naam Developer 6. Java Wale Job Le Jayenge 7. Hum Apke Memory Mein Rehte Hein 8. Do Processor Baarah Terminal 9. Tera Code Chal Gaya 10. Har Din Jo Mail Karega 11. Network Ke Us Paar 12. Debugging Koi Khel Nahi 13. Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehta Hai 14. Raju Ban Gaya MCSE .! 15. Client Ek Numbari Programmer Dus Numbari 16. Login Karo Sajana 17. Naukar PC Ka 18. 1942 -- A Bug Story 19. Kaho Na Virus Hai 20. Crash Se Crash Tak 21. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai 22. Password De Ke Dekho 23. Terminal Apna Login Paray ==================END================ ===================== Humor for Lexophiles (lovers of words) ===================== I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. Police were called to a day care where a three year old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. The butcher backed up into a meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. When the smog lifts in Los Angelas, U. C. L. A. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed. With her marriage the bride got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-Flat Miner. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: T'aint yours and t'aint mine. A boiled egg is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. ===============END==================== ==================== Bhagwan Shri Krishna wants to tell you. ==================== Hey Parth (Employee), Incentive nahi mila, Bura Hua salary cut rahi hai, Bura Hua Extra shift hogi, woh bhi buri hogi. Tum pichhla incentive na milne ka paschatap na karo, Tum agle incentive ki chinta na karo, Bus apni salary main santusht raho.... Tumhari pocket se kya gaya, jo rote ho? Jo aaya tha sab yahee se aaya. Tum jab nahi the, tab bhi company chal rahi thee Tum jab nahi hoge, tab bhi chalegee. Tum koi experience leker nahi aaye the.. Jo experience mila yahi mila... Jo support diya company ke liye... Degree leker aaye the, experience leker chalo. Jo system aaj tumhara hai... Woh kal kisi aur ka tha.... Kal kisi aur ka or parso kisi aur ka hoga.. Tum ise apna samajh kar kyo magan ho rahe ho.. Yahi khushi tumhari tension kaa kaaran hai. "Kyo vyarth chinta karte ho, kisse vyarth darte ho, Kaun tumhe nikaal sakta hai......" Policy change company ka rule hai. Jise tum policy change kahte ho, wahi to trick hai. "Ek pal main tum Best performer or Hero no.1 ya Super Star ban jaate ho, Dusre pal main tum worst performer or target nahin achieve kar paatey ho." Appraisal, incentive etc. etc. mann se hata do, vichaar se mita do, Phir company tumhari hai or tum company ke. na yeh increment wageyrah tumhare liye hai na tum iske kabhi ho, Parantu job secure hai Phir tum tension kyon lete ho........? Tum apne aap ko company ko arpit kar do, Yahi sabse bada golden rule hai, Jo is golden rule ko jaanta hai, woh review, incentive,recession,retirement aadi se sada ke liye muqt ho jaata hai.... HURRY (H)OM(e). ===================================== ---- ======================= Mr.Warren Buffet... The second richest man ====================== There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity. Here are some very interesting aspects of his life: 1. He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late! 2. He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers. 3. He still lives in the same small 3-bedroom house in mid-town Omaha, that he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence. 4. He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him. 5. He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company. 6. His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year.He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis. He has given his CEO's only two rules. Rule number 1: Do not lose any of your share holder's money. Rule number 2: Do not forget rule number 1. 7. He does not socialize with the high society crowd. His past time after he gets home is to make himself some pop corn and watch Television. 8. Bill Gates, the world's richest man met him for the first time only 5 years ago. Bill Gates did not think he had anything in common with Warren Buffet. So he had scheduled his meeting only for half hour. But when Gates met him, the meeting lasted for ten hours and Bill Gates became a devotee of Warren Buffet. 9. Warren Buffet does not carry a cell phone, nor has a computer on his desk. His advice to young people: "Stay away from credit cards and invest in yourself and Remember: A. Money doesn't create man but it is the man who created money. B. Live your life as simple as you are. C. Don't do what others say, just listen them, but do what you feel good. D. Don't go on brand name; just wear those things in which u feel comfortable. E. Don't waste your money on unnecessary things; just spend on them who are really in need rather. F. After all it's your life then why give chance to others to rule our life." =================END================= ============================== Four Thoughts for thoughts ============================== # Thought 1 # When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from? ------------------------------------------------------ # Thought 2 # The average man's life consists of : Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too. -------------------------------------------------------- # Thought 3 # A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?" -------------------------------------------------------- # Thought 4 # Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life. " Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me." The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom. ======================END===================== ================== Rhyming couplets ================== [A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.] ==================== ********* My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe " go to hell" ********* Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. ********* Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face ********* Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not ********* I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face ********* I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies ! ********* I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming ********* My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way ================END=============== ============= Funny Quotes ============= "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper." "If it were not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark." "Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf." "An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing." "Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do?Turn out the lights!" "I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier." "The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things." "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." "When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum." "Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. " "It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week." "Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills. Making the last car payment." "They've finally come up with the perfect office computer.If it makes a mistake,it blames another computer." "Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak." "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.But not in that order" "When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half." "Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." "Compatible Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet." "When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?" "Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." "There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side." "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." "Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when you're finished. " "Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference." "Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. " "We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt then things get worse." "It's always darkest before dawn So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. " "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office" "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." "The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. " "If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?" "You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark? " "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,dishonesty is the second-best policy." "If you can't convince them, confuse them." "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."; Download These Quotes and Put them as a Screensaver =================END========== ==================== TRUTH: 21st Century ==================== Our communication - Wireless Our telephone - Cordless Our cooking - Fireless Our youth - Jobless Our food - Fatless Our Labour - Effortless Our conduct - Worthless Our relation - Loveless Our attitude - Careless Our feelings - Heartless Our follies - Countless Our arguments - Baseless Our BO$$ - Brainless Our Job - Thankless Our Salary - Very less. =========END=========== ======================== The A - Z of Friendship ======================== A Friend ... Accepts you as you are. Believes in you. Calls you just to say "hi." Doesn't give up on you. Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts). Forgives your mistakes. Gives unconditionally. Helps you. Invites you over. Just likes being with you. Keeps you close at heart. Loves you for who you are. Makes a difference in your life. Never judges you. Offers support. Picks you up. Quiets your fears. Raises your spirits. Says nice things about you. Tells you the truth when you need to hear it. Understands you. Values you. Walks beside you. X-plains things you don't understand. Yells when you won't listen. Zaps you back to reality ===============END=========== ================== Play with words ================== DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE ============END================ ========================== Love Letter from a Farmer ========================== My sweet potato, do you carrot all for me? You are the apple of my eye. With your radish hair and turnip nose. My heart beets for you. My love for you is as strong as onions. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry, and we will be a happy pear! ============END============ ======================= Universal Chaayageet ====================== 1. AMERICA ASKS WORLD TO UNITE AGAINST TERRORISM : sathi haath badhana, sathi haath badhana, ek akela thak jayega, milkar bojh uthana 2. UK, THE BIGGEST CHAMCHA OF US, FIRST TO SUPPORT ae maalik tere bande hum 3. PAK PLEDGES SUPPORT IN RETURN OF FINANCIAL HELP : jo tumko ho pasand wahi baat kahenge, tum din ko agar raat kaho, raat kahenge dete na aap saath to mar jaate hum kabhike pure hue hai aap se armaan jindagi ke hum jindagi ko aapki saugaat kahenge tum din ko agar raat kaho raat kahenge. 4. US SAYS IT IS PLEASED WITH PAKISTANI RESPONSE aap jo mere meet na hote, hotho pe mere geet na hote 5. PAK TOO PLEASED WITH US STAND, ESPECIALLY AS THEY WERE NOT ON VERY GOOD TERMS OF LATE : PAK : kabhi raat din hum door the, din raat ka ab saath hai US : wo bhi ittefaak ki baat thi, ye bhi ittefaak ki baat hai 6. TALIBAN SHOCKED WITH PAKISTANI STAND : bahaaro ne mera chaman loot kar khija ko ye iljaam kyo de diya? kisi ne chalo dushamani kee magar ise dosti naam kyu de diya? 7. PAK SAYS IT HAS NO OPTION : hum bewafa hargiz na the, par hum wafa kar na sake ................ 8. INDIA OFFERS RE-FUELLING FACILITIES TO US : o gore gore, o baa ke chore, kabhi meri gali aaya karo 9. US SAYS TIES WITH PAK WON`T AFFECT INDO-US RELATIONS : na tum bewafa ho, na hum bewafa hai, magar kya kare apani raahe juda hai 10. BUSH (B) ASKS OMAR (O) TO HAND OVER OSAMA : B : e, kya bolta tu? O : e, kya mai bolu? B : sun, O : suna! B : deta kya Osama? O : kya, karega? nahi diya to Osama? B : are maarenge peetenge bomb barsaayenge war karenge aur kya? 11. TALIBAN REFUSES TO HAND OVER OSAMA : hame tumse pyaar kitna, ye hum nahi jaante, magar jee nahi sakte, tumhare bina! 12. ANOTHER SETBACK TO TALIBAN AS Saudi Arab, UAE SNAP TIES : kasme waade pyaar wafa sab, baate hai baato ka kya? koi kisi ka nahi ye jhoothe naate hai naato ka kya? 13. AS ATTACKS START, TALIBAN LAUNCHES ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE. BUT SAYS US PLANES TOO HIGH TO BE HIT : meri arji maan le maula, tu hai sabkuch jaanne wala, mai hu tera maanne wala, apni firing lift karaade, thodi si to lift karaade 14. MUSLIM COUNTRIES SUPPORT ATTACKS, TALIBAN DISGUSTED : dekhi jamane ki yaari, bichde sabhi baari baari 15. OSAMA DECLARES JIHAD AGAINST US : tum humko maarte ho? hum tumko maarte hai! hum apne jihad ka aailaan karte hai! 16. IN INDIA, THAKRE SAYS NO POINT IN SUPPORTING US, AS IT IS NOT INTERESTED IN KASHMIRI TERRORISM : tum to thehere pardesi, saath kya nibhaaoge? Osama pakda jayega to Ghar ko laut jaoge =========================END=================== ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------- 1) Longest English Word: Praetertranssubstantiationalistically has 37 letters. 2) Book Without Letter "e" : GADFY, written by Earnest Wright in 1939 is a 50,000+ word book, which doesn't contain a single word with 'e' in it 3) Word without Vowel: Rhythm Sky Fry Cry 4) Human Brain: Organ of body which has no sensation when cut. 5) Crocodile : Only animal & reptile which sheds tear while eating. 6) No:of Alphabets, which SOUND AS WORDS : They are ** **B* Bee * ** **C* Sea* ** **G* Zee* ** **I* Eye * ** **Q* Queue* ** **R* Are * ** **S* Yes * ** **T* Tea* ** ** **U* You * ** **Y* Why Fascinating Animals, Birds, Trees : 1) SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tongue. 2) A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes. 3) DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open. 4) A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tones of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months. 5) The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species. 6) The fierce DINOSAUR was TYRANNOSAURS which has sixty long & sharp teeth, used to attack & eat other dinosaurs. 7) DEMETRIO was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal. 8) CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRD, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw. 9) The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body. 10) OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food. 11) POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles / hr of speed. 12) KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell. 13) ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds. 14) OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees. What are They : 1) If we say 'MUMMY', they come together & go apart when we say DADDY': LIPS 2) What goes up & never comes down: AGE 3) Patches over patches but no stitches: CABBAGE 4) What is that we cannot see, but is always before you: FUTURE 5) What goes up & down a hill, but never moves: ROAD 6) You can never wet it: SHADOW 7) What belongs to You, but used by your friends more often you do: YOUR NAME In 24 Hours Average Human: 1) HEART beats 1,03,689 times. 2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times. 3) BLOOD flows 16,80,000 miles. 4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches 5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches 6) Take 2.9 pounds WATER (including all liquids) 7) Take of 3.25 pounds FOOD. 8) Breathe 438 cubic feet AIR. 9) Lose 85.60, BODY TEMPERATURE. 10) Produce 1.43 pints SWEAT. 11) Speak 4,800 WORDS. 12) During SLEEP move 25.4 times ===================END================ ============================ HEADLINES DATED 1ST JAN 2023: ============================ 1. President Sonia gandhi and prime minister priyanka gandhi receive Italy prime minister rahul gandhi. 2. Dhoom 17 ready for release. 3. I will play next world cup - sachin tendulkar 4. Salman, Vivek and Abhishek attend aishwarya's 3rd marriage. 5. Mein tau aabhi jawan hu - dev anand. 6. Petrol Rs.999/lt. 7. Kyunki saas bhi kabhi bahu thi completed 2,50,000 episodes & Baa has completed 400yrs. 8. Coach ganguly resigns, as india went out of world cup in 1st round after losing to korea 9 N.siddhu will launch his own TV channel where he can speak for a whole day. ------------------END----------------- ===================== Do You Know? [in English language] ===================== Letters 'A', 'B', 'C' & 'D' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99 (Letter 'D' comes for the first time in Hundred) Letters 'A', 'B' & 'C' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999 (Letter 'A' comes for the first time in Thousand) Letters 'B' & 'C' don't appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999 (Letter 'B' comes for the first time in Billion) And Letter 'C'does not appear anywhere in the spellings of entire English Counting ==========END============ ============================ Why I am Glad to be a Women: ============================= We got off the Titanic first. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point). We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay! We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. So congratulations girls!! Guys, better luck next time. =============END=============== ============================= THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH ============================ My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until your father gets home." My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:. "You are going to get it when we get home!" My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE: "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." & "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to The store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT: "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." My Mother taught me about SEX: "How do you think you got here?" My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father." My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like." My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" =================END========= ================== Why SURAT is BEST ? ================== 1=> DIAMOND CAPITAL OF THE WORLD -- 80 % OF THE WORLDS DIAMOND IS CUT & POLISHED IN SURAT !! -- IN 2005 92% OF THE WORLDS DIAMOND WAS CUT N POLISHED IN SURAT !! 2=> TEXTILE CAPITAL OF INDIA -- 2 OUT OF EVERY 10 SAREE IN INDIA IS MANUFACTURED IN SURAT !! 3=> SILK CAPITAL OF INDIA . 4=> 2nd CLEANEST CITY OF INDIA . 5=> MOST No. OF FLYOVERS IN GUJARAT . 6=> FIRST AND ONLY MULTILAYER FLYOVER OF GUJARAT IS IN SURAT . 7=> WORLDS FASTEST GROWING CITY -- U.N.SURVEY 8=> SURAT STANDS AS THE BEST CITY IN INDIA TO EARN FAST MONEY AND INVEST MONEY. ? THE TIMES OF INDIA . 9=> INDIA 'S ONLY ZERO UNEMPLOYMENT CITY. 10=> Surat is one of the most industrially active cities that connect to it- BIG CORPORATE HOUSES IN SURAT LIKE?ESSAR, ONGC, RELIANCE, SHELL, L&T, HP, I.O.C, G.A.I.L AND MANY MORE... 11=> ATLEAST ONE PERSON FROM EACH VILLAGE OF GUJARAT HAVE A LINK WITH SURAT . 12=> EVERY INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT TO/FROM INDIA HAS ATLEAST ONE PASSENGER FROM SURAT . 13=> ONLY CITY IN GUJARAT TO HAVE "FAME" & "ADLABS" THEATRE'S BOTH. 14=> HIGHEST CONSUMPTION OF LIQUOR IN GUJARAT IS IN SURAT . 15=> MOST NO. OF "WOMEN LIQUOR LICENSE HOLDERS" IN GUJARAT ARE FROM SURAT . 16=> HIGHEST INCOME TAX PAYING CITY IN ASIA . 17=> SMC - SURAT MUNCIPAL CORPORATION EARNS Rs. 1 CRORE DAILY FROM OCTRO THIS IS HIGHEST IN INDIA . 18=> DOMINO'S FIRST PIZZA OUTLET IN GUJARAT WAS IN SURAT . 19=> IN DASSHERA 2006... SURAT MADE A RECORD IN WESTERN INDIA ...OF MOST NO. OF 4 WHEELERS AND 2 WHEELERS SALE . 20=> ONE OF THE LONGEST FLYOVER OF INDIA IS LOCATED IN SURAT . 21=> INDIA 'S ONLY READYMADE GARMENT PARK IS SITUATED IN SURAT . 22=> WORLD'S ONLY PUBLIC SECTOR JEWELLERY PARK IS SITUATED IN SURAT . 23=> IN PAST SURAT WAS A GLORIOUS PORT WITH SHIPS OF MORE THAN 84 COUNTRIES ANCHORED IN ITS HARBOUR. 24=> 40% OF INDIA 'S TOTAL MAN-MADE FABRIC PRODUCTION IS IN SURAT . 25=> 28% OF INDIA 'S TOTAL SYNTHETIC OUTPUT IS FROM SURAT . 26=> RICHEST CITY OF GUJARAT . 27=> FASTEST No. OF GROWING CROREPATI'S IN INDIA ARE IN SURAT . 28=> FAMOUS CITY FOR MAKING "manja" --THREAD USED FOR KITE FLYING. 29=> FAMOUS CITY FOR ITS UNIQUE FOOD...SURTI CUISINE ESPECIALY "UNDHYU" 30=> SURAT IS THE CITY, WHERE THE BRITISHERS FIRST LANDED IN INDIA . 31=> SURAT HAS ONE OF THE HIGHEST PER CAPITA INCOME IN ASIA . 32=> PONK IS A ROASTED MILLET VARIETY THAT IS AVAILABLE ONLY IN SURAT IN WHOLE WORLD. 33=> SURAT HAS BEEN ALLOTED A "S.E.Z . ? SPECIAL ECONOMIC ZONE" BY THE CENTRAL GOVERNMENT ==================END=============== ===================== The top 10 languages spoken in the world ===================== 10. French -- Number of speakers: 129 million Often called the most romantic language in the world, French is spoken in tons of countries, including Belgium, Canada, Rwanda, Cameroon, and Haiti. Oh, and France too. We're actually very lucky that French is so popular, because without it, we might have been stuck with Dutch Toast, Dutch Fries, and Dutch kissing (ew!). To say "hello" in French, say "Bonjour" (bone-JOOR). 9. Malay—Indonesian Number of speakers: 159 million Malay-Indonesian is spoken - surprise - in Malaysia and Indonesia. Actually, we kinda fudged the numbers on this one because there are many dialects of Malay, the most popular of which is Indonesian. But they're all pretty much based on the same root language, which makes it the ninth most-spoken in the world.Indonesia is a fascinating place; a nation made up of over 13,000 islands it is the sixth most populated country in the world. Malaysia borders on two of the larger parts of Indonesia (including the island of Borneo), and is mostly known for its capital city of Kuala Lumpur. To say "hello" in Indonesian, say "Selamat pagi" (se-LA-maht PA-gee). 8. Portuguese -- Number of speakers: 191 million Think of Portuguese as the little language that could. In the 12th Century, Portugal won its independence from Spain and expanded all over the world with the help of its famous explorers like Vasco da Gama and Prince Henry the Navigator. (Good thing Henry became a navigator . . . could you imagine if a guy named "Prince Henry the Navigator" became a florist?) Because Portugal got in so early on the exploring game, the language established itself all over the world, especially in Brazil (where it's the national language), Macau, Angola, Venezuela, and Mozambique. To say "hello" in Portuguese, say "Bom dia" (bohn DEE-ah). 7. Bengali -- Number of speakers: 211 million In Bangladesh, a country of 120+ million people, just about everybody speaks Bengali. And because Bangladesh is virtually surrounded by India (where the population is growing so fast, just breathing the air can get you pregnant), the number of Bengali speakers in the world is much higher than most people would expect. To say "hello" in Bengali, say "Ei Je" (EYE-jay). 6. Arabic -- Number of speakers: 246 million Arabic, one of the world's oldest languages, is spoken in the Middle East, with speakers found in countries such as Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, and Egypt. Furthermore, because Arabic is the language of the Koran, millions of Moslems in other countries speak Arabic as well. So many people have a working knowledge of Arabic, in fact, that in 1974 it was made the sixth official language of the United Nations. To say "hello" in Arabic, say "Al salaam a'alaykum" (Ahl sah-LAHM ah ah-LAY-koom) . 5. Russian -- Number of speakers: 277 million Mikhail Gorbachev, Boris Yeltsin, and Yakov Smirnoff are among the millions of Russian speakers out there. Sure, we used to think of them as our Commie enemies. Now we think of them as our Commie friends. One of the six languages in the UN, Russian is spoken not only in the Mother Country, but also in Belarus, Kazakhstan, and the U.S. (to name just a few places). To say "hello" in Russian, say "Zdravstvuite" (ZDRAST-vet- yah). 4. Spanish -- Number of speakers: 392 million Aside from all of those kids who take it in high school, Spanish is spoken in just about every South American and Central American country, not to mention Spain, Cuba, and the U.S. There is a particular interest in Spanish in the U.S., as many English words are borrowed from the language, including: tornado, bonanza, patio, quesadilla, enchilada, and taco grande supreme. To say "hello" in Spanish, say "Hola" (OH-la). 3. Hindustani -- Number of speakers: 497 million Hindustani is the primary language of India's crowded population, and it encompasses a huge number of dialects (of which the most commonly spoken is Hindi). While many predict that the population of India will soon surpass that of China, the prominence of English in India prevents Hindustani from surpassing the most popular language in the world. If you're interested in learning a little Hindi, there's a very easy way: rent an Indian movie. The film industry in India is the most prolific in the world, making thousands of action/romance/ musicals every year. To say "hello" in Hindustani, say "Namaste" (Nah-MAH-stay) . 2. English -- Number of speakers: 508 million While English doesn't have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language. Its speakers hail from all around the world, including the U.S., Australia, England, Zimbabwe, the Caribbean, Hong Kong, South Africa, and Canada. We'd tell you more about English, but you probably feel pretty comfortable with the language already. Let's just move on to the most popular language in the world. To say "hello" in English, say "What's up, freak?" (watz-UP-freek) . 1. Mandarin -- Number of speakers: 1 billion+ Surprise, surprise, the most widely spoken language on the planet is based in the most populated country on the planet, China. Beating second-place English by a 2 to 1 ratio, but don't let that lull you into thinking that Mandarin is easy to learn. Speaking Mandarin can be really tough, because each word can be pronounced in four ways (or "tones"), and a beginner will invariably have trouble distinguishing one tone from another. But if over a billion people could do it, so could you. Try saying hello! To say "hello" in Mandarin, say "Ni hao" (Nee HaOW). ("Hao" is pronounced as one syllable, but the tone requires that you let your voice drop midway, and then raise it again at the end.) =================END================ ==================== REFINED DEFINITIONS ==================== School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present... Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. Dictionary : A place where 'Success' comes before 'Work'. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he's got caught. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read. Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead ===============END============= =========================== Laugh to heart's content ! =========================== Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know Maths. Ted: You don't know my father! Mother: David, come here. David: Yes, mum. Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now. Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test? Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8 Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer? Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear. Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love Man: How old is your father? Boy: 1 year older then me Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog! Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good! Teacher: Where were you born? Student: Singapore , Sir. Teacher: Which part? Student: All of me, Sir. Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair? Ah Kow: No comb, Sir. Teacher: Use your dad's then. Ah Kow: No hair, Sir. A boy came home from school with his exam results. "What did you get?" asked his father. "My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do you mean 'under water'?" " They are all below 'C' (sea) level!" ===============END============== ==================== Obituary Of The Late Mr. Common Sense" ==================== Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well- intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Tylenol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense took a beating as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense lost the will to live when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the ghost, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone ===================END============== =========== Poor Man !! =========== God created Donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. .............................................. God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years. " God granted his wish. .............................................. God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. .............................................. Finally God created man and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little,give me the 30 years that the donkey refused,the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. " God granted man's wish .............................................. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man ,marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown,he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old,he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren. That's Life. Is'nt it ? =============END================ =========================== Funny Algebric Equations !! =========================== 1. SSC + HSC + B.Tech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT 2. An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com 3. One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896 4. Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan 5. Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park 6. 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in Hindi movie 7. Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own production company = Kajol 8. Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your wife's favorite serials 9. Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega +Crorepati = SUPERSTAR 10. Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan +Talent = Abhishek Bachchan 11. Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan 12. 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda 13. 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan 14. 1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt 15. 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol 16. 1 engagement + 2 weddings + 3 wedding songs + 400 relatives + 1 house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya film 17.1 software engineer + No Work = 20 forwarded mails ... =========END============ ==================== Geography of a Woman ==================== Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India,very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia,lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there ============END=================== ================ LOVE IN MATHS !! ================ My Dear SweetHeart, Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function. Truly Yours =============END============== ================== A Great Thief !!! ================= There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he entered, the man told the guard at the door: "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape me unplundered." This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, but nothing was to be found. On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the guard, saying, "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even better. " So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said ================END============== ============================== T h e B e s t M o me n t s I n Li f e ============================== 1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing till your stomach hurts. 3. Enjoying a ride down the country side. 4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio. 5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside. 6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with a warm, fuzzy towel. 7. Passing your final exams with good grades. 8. Being a part of an interesting conversation. 9. Finding some money in some old pants. 10. Laughing at yourself. 11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your friends. 12. Laughing without a reason. 13. "Accidentally" hearing someone say somthing good about you. 14. Watching the sunset. 15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important person in your life. 16. Receiving or giving your first kiss. 17. Feeling this buzz in your body when seeing this "special" someone. 18. Having a great time with your friends. 19. Seeing the one you love happy. 20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and smelling his/her perfume. 21. Visiting an old friend of yours and remembering great memories. 22. Hearing someone telling you "I LOVE YOU" ============END=========== =============== Human Body,WOW! =============== Our heart beats around 100,000 times every day. Our blood is on a 60,000-mile journey. Our eyes can distinguish up to one million color surfaces and take in more information than the largest telescope known to man. Our lungs inhale over two million liters of air every day, without even thinking. They are large enough to cover a tennis court. Our hearing is so sensitive it can distinguish between hundreds of thousands of different sounds. Our sense of touch is more refined than any device ever created. Our brain is more complex than the most powerful computer and has over 100 billion nerve cells. We give birth to 100 billion red cells every day. When we touch something, we send a message to our brain at 124 mph. We have over 600 muscles. We exercise at least 30 muscles when we smile. We are about 70 percent water. We make one liter of saliva a day. Our nose is our personal air-conditioning system: it warms cold air, cools hot air and filters impurities. In one square inch of our hand we have 9 feet of blood vessels, 600 pain sensors, 9000 nerve endings, 36 heat sensors and 75 pressure sensors. ============END============== ===================== Hidden Meaning! =================== Today's Professional Management FUNDAS 1."We will do it" means "You will do it" 2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you" 3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same" 4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!" 5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do" 6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied" 7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later" 8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time" 9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time." 10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought" 11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me" 12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!" 13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is" 14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..." 15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed" 16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it" 17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble" ************ ==============END============= ================== Now It is This !!! ================== Once upon a time leadership mattered, now dealership rules the world. ********* Once upon a time quality was craftsman's pride, now it is a departmental mess. ********* Once upon a time mouse was an untouchable mammal, now it is handheld pest. ********* Once upon a time wisdom was cultivated by wise people, now it is flashed on T-shirts. ********* Once upon a time teacher tought and students learnt, now teacher trade and students consume. ********* Once upon a time population was a problem, now it is a flourishing mass market. ********* Once upon a time competition brought out the best, now it brings out the worst in people. ********* Once upon a time there was a golden rule, now if you have gold, you rule. ********* Once upon a time truth telling was good for your soul, now it is bad for promotion. ********* Once upon a time success meant living by ideals, now it is about using above all principles. ********* Once upon a time beauty was in the eye of the beholder, now it is booming business. ********* Once upon a time the government was clean and sex was dirty, now one doesn't know. ***************E N D ************** ======================= KEYBOARD SHORTCUTS ======================= Here are more then 100 keyboard shortcuts to pace up your work and Impress others CTRL+C (Copy) CTRL+X (Cut) CTRL+V (Paste) CTRL+Z (Undo) DELETE (Delete) SHIFT+DELETE (Delete the selected item permanently without placing the item in the Recycle Bin) CTRL while dragging an item (Copy the selected item) CTRL+SHIFT while dragging an item (Create a shortcut to the selected item) F2 key (Rename the selected item) CTRL+RIGHT ARROW (Move the insertion point to the beginning of the next word) CTRL+LEFT ARROW (Move the insertion point to the beginning of the previous word) CTRL+DOWN ARROW (Move the insertion point to the beginning of the next paragraph) CTRL+UP ARROW (Move the insertion point to the beginning of the previous paragraph) CTRL+SHIFT with any of the arrow keys (Highlight a block of text) SHIFT with any of the arrow keys (Select more than one item in a window or on the desktop, or select text in a document) CTRL+A (Select all) F3 key (Search for a file or a folder) ALT+ENTER (View the properties for the selected item) ALT+F4 (Close the active item, or quit the active program) ALT+ENTER (Display the properties of the selected object) ALT+SPACEBAR (Open the shortcut menu for the active window) CTRL+F4 (Close the active document in programs that enable you to have multiple documents open simultaneously) ALT+TAB (Switch between the open items) ALT+ESC (Cycle through items in the order that they had been opened) F6 key (Cycle through the screen elements in a window or on the desktop) F4 key (Display the Address bar list in My Computer or Windows Explorer) SHIFT+F10 (Display the shortcut menu for the selected item) ALT+SPACEBAR (Display the System menu for the active window) CTRL+ESC (Display the Start menu) ALT+Underlined letter in a menu name (Display the corresponding menu) Underlined letter in a command name on an open menu (Perform the corresponding command) F10 key (Activate the menu bar in the active program) RIGHT ARROW (Open the next menu to the right, or open a submenu) LEFT ARROW (Open the next menu to the left, or close a submenu) F5 key (Update the active window) BACKSPACE (View the folder one level up in My Computer or Windows Explorer) ESC (Cancel the current task) SHIFT when you insert a CD-ROM into the CD-ROM drive (Prevent the CD-ROM from automatically playing) Dialog Box Keyboard Shortcuts ----------------------------- CTRL+TAB (Move forward through the tabs) CTRL+SHIFT+TAB (Move backward through the tabs) TAB (Move forward through the options) SHIFT+TAB (Move backward through the options) ALT+Underlined letter (Perform the corresponding command or select the corresponding option) ENTER (Perform the command for the active option or button) SPACEBAR (Select or clear the check box if the active option is a check box) Arrow keys (Select a button if the active option is a group of option buttons) F1 key (Display Help) F4 key (Display the items in the active list) BACKSPACE (Open a folder one level up if a folder is selected in the Save As or Open dialog box) Microsoft Natural Keyboard Shortcuts ------------------------------------- Windows Logo (Display or hide the Start menu) Windows Logo+BREAK (Display the System Properties dialog box) Windows Logo+D (Display the desktop) Windows Logo+M (Minimize all of the windows) Windows Logo+SHIFT+M (Restore the minimized windows) Windows Logo+E (Open My Computer) Windows Logo+F (Search for a file or a folder) CTRL+Windows Logo+F (Search for computers) Windows Logo+F1 (Display Windows Help) Windows Logo+ L (Lock the keyboard) Windows Logo+R (Open the Run dialog box) Windows Logo+U (Open Utility Manager) Accessibility Keyboard Shortcuts -------------------------------- Right SHIFT for eight seconds (Switch FilterKeys either on or off) Left ALT+left SHIFT+PRINT SCREEN (Switch High Contrast either on or off) Left ALT+left SHIFT+NUM LOCK (Switch the MouseKeys either on or off) SHIFT five times (Switch the StickyKeys either on or off) NUM LOCK for five seconds (Switch the ToggleKeys either on or off) Windows Logo +U (Open Utility Manager) Windows Explorer Keyboard Shortcuts ----------------------------------- END (Display the bottom of the active window) HOME (Display the top of the active window) NUM LOCK+Asterisk sign (*) (Display all of the subfolders that are under the selected folder) NUM LOCK+Plus sign (+) (Display the contents of the selected folder) NUM LOCK+Minus sign (-) (Collapse the selected folder) LEFT ARROW (Collapse the current selection if it is expanded, or select the parent folder) RIGHT ARROW (Display the current selection if it is collapsed, or select the first subfolder) Shortcut Keys for Character Map ------------------------------- After you double-click a character on the grid of characters, you can move through the grid by using the keyboard shortcuts: RIGHT ARROW (Move to the right or to the beginning of the next line) LEFT ARROW (Move to the left or to the end of the previous line) UP ARROW (Move up one row) DOWN ARROW (Move down one row) PAGE UP (Move up one screen at a time) PAGE DOWN (Move down one screen at a time) HOME (Move to the beginning of the line) END (Move to the end of the line) CTRL+HOME (Move to the first character) CTRL+END (Move to the last character) SPACEBAR (Switch between Enlarged and Normal mode when a character is selected) Microsoft Management Console (MMC) Main Window Keyboard Shortcuts ---------------------------------------- CTRL+O (Open a saved console) CTRL+N (Open a new console) CTRL+S (Save the open console) CTRL+M (Add or remove a console item) CTRL+W (Open a new window) F5 key (Update the content of all console windows) ALT+SPACEBAR (Display the MMC window menu) ALT+F4 (Close the console) ALT+A (Display the Action menu) ALT+V (Display the View menu) ALT+F (Display the File menu) ALT+O (Display the Favorites menu) MMC Console Window Keyboard Shortcuts CTRL+P (Print the current page or active pane) ALT+Minus sign (-) (Display the window menu for the active console window) SHIFT+F10 (Display the Action shortcut menu for the selected item) F1 key (Open the Help topic, if any, for the selected item) F5 key (Update the content of all console windows) CTRL+F10 (Maximize the active console window) CTRL+F5 (Restore the active console window) ALT+ENTER (Display the Properties dialog box, if any, for the selected item) F2 key (Rename the selected item) CTRL+F4 (Close the active console window. When a console has only one console window, this shortcut closes the console) Remote Desktop Connection Navigation ------------------------------------ CTRL+ALT+END (Open the m*cro$oft Windows NT Security dialog box) ALT+PAGE UP (Switch between programs from left to right) ALT+PAGE DOWN (Switch between programs from right to left) ALT+INSERT (Cycle through the programs in most recently used order) ALT+HOME (Display the Start menu) CTRL+ALT+BREAK (Switch the client computer between a window and a full screen) ALT+DELETE (Display the Windows menu) CTRL+ALT+Minus sign (-) (Place a snapshot of the active window in the client on the Terminal server clipboard and provide the same functionality as pressing PRINT SCREEN on a local computer.) CTRL+ALT+Plus sign (+) (Place a snapshot of the entire client window area on the Terminal server clipboard and provide the same functionality as pressing ALT+PRINT SCREEN on a local computer.) Microsoft Internet Explorer Navigation ---------------------------------------- CTRL+B (Open the Organize Favorites dialog box) CTRL+E (Open the Search bar) CTRL+F (Start the Find utility) CTRL+H (Open the History bar) CTRL+I (Open the Favorites bar) CTRL+L (Open the Open dialog box) CTRL+N (Start another instance of the browser with the same Web address) CTRL+O (Open the Open dialog box, the same as CTRL+L) CTRL+P (Open the Print dialog box) CTRL+R (Update the current Web page) CTRL+W (Close the current window ==============END================= ============ What a MIND? =========================== Galileo : Great Mind Einstein : Genius Mind Newton : Extraordinary Mind Bill Gates : Brilliant Mind ME : Master Mind YOU : Never Mind =========END=============== ======================= Innocent Par Excellence ======================= 1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" *********** 2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." *********** 3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." *********** 4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" *********** 5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, She asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" *********** 6) POLICE # 2 It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, My K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?" *********** 7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" *********** 8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." *********** 9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes." *********** 10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" *********** 11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. ; ; "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear. " *********** ============END================= ======================= Have You Ever Wondered? ======================= Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting,who tests it? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress =================END================ ================================= HUMOROUS HRD NOTICE OF A COMPANY TO ALL EMPLOYEES ================================= [ A circular was found in one of the office notice boards ] Dear STAFF , Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm. 1) TRANSPORTATION : It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 2) ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). - They are called SUNDAYs. 3) LUNCH BREAK : a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. 4) SICK DAYS : We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 5) TOILET USE : Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary. 6) SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. 7) INTERNET USAGE : All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. - Important Note : Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection. Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. ===============END============= ======================= State Cultures of India Dinesh Vora ======================== [1] GOANS One Goan is Remo Fernandes. Two Goans is a Feni distillery. Three Goans is a football club. Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party. [2] MALAYALEES One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop. Two Malayalees is a boat race. Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket. Four Malayalees is an oil slick. [3] TAMILIANS One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler. Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad. Three Tamilians is a classical music school. Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club. [4] ANDHRITES One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver. Two Andhraites is a spice shop. Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry. [5] BENGALIS One Bengali is a rosagulla shop. Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie. Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group. Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement. [6] RAJASTHANIS One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller. Two Rajasthanis is a mason. Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show. Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama. [7] MANGALOREANS One Mangalorean is a supari seller. Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another. Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant. Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha. [8] BOMBAYITES One Bombayite is a hawker. Two Bombayites is a film industry. Three Bombayites is a slum. Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd. [9] MAHARASHTRIANS One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor. Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match. Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession. Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha. [10] GUJARATIS One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train. Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train. Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train. Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long. [11] KUTCHIES One Kutchis is a kirana shop. Two Kutchis is a stationery shop. Three Kutchis is a saree shop. Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade. [12] SARDARJIS One Sardarji is a truck-driver. Two Sarda rjis is a roadside dhaba. Three Sardarjis is a raagi jatha for kirtan. Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes. [13] SINDHIS One Sindhi is a currency racket. Two Sindhis is a papad factory. Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop. Four Sindhis is big show-off parties [14] BIHARIS One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis is a caste killing. Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state. [15] BHAIYYAS One Bhaiyya is a milkman. Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala). Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad. Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop. (And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family). [16] KASHMIRIS One Kashmiri is a boatman. Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory. Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency. Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit. [17] KANNADIGAS One Kannadiga is a coffee estate. Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant. Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factory. Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad. [18] PUNJABIS One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week. Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night. Three Punjabis is a public fist fight. Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight. [19] PARSIS One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BCs and MCs. Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer. Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters. Four Parsis is half their remaining population !! ============================= ==================== Men vs. Women ==================== What is the difference between men and women? 1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ******* 2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ******* 3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. ******* 4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. ******* 5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage. ******* 6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ******* 7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ******* 8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! ******* 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ******* 10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance. ******* ================END=============== ============================ Why English Is So Difficult ============================ We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim. ================END================ ============ LOVE QUOTES ============ If music be the food of love, play on. - Shakespeare One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. - Rita Mae Brown Never judge someone by who they are in love with; judge them by their friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people. Take a cool, appraising glance at their pals. - Cynthia Heimel Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be. - Robert Browning Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. - Jules Renard Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without having asked any clear question. - Albert Camus (1913-1960) At the touch of Love every one becomes a poet. - Plato Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile. - Sean Connery Love doesn't grow on trees like apples in Eden - it's something you have to make. And you must use your imagination too. - Joyce Cary Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. - Jerome K. Jerome To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. - Oscar Wilde One advantage of marriage is that when you fall out of love with him, or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in love again. - Judith ==========END============== ======================== Why Drink Coconut Water? ======================== CocoWater is naturally: Low in Carbs 99% Fat Free Low in sugars Coconut Water contains organic compounds possessing healthy growth promoting properties that have been known to help: Keep the body cool and at the proper temperature Orally re-hydrate your body, it is an all natural isotonic beverage Carry nutrients and oxygen to cells Naturally replenish your body's fluids after exercising Raise your metabolism Promote weight loss Boost your immune system Detoxify and fight viruses Cleanse your digestive tract Control diabetes Aid your body in fighting viruses that cause the flu, herpes, and AIDS Balance your PH and reduce risk of cancer Treat kidney and urethral stones Boost poor circulation May 29,2007 ================================== ================================== What a marvellous way to define!!! ================================== School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays. Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich. Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and a woman gains her masters. Divorce: Future tense of Marriage. Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. Father: A banker provided by nature. Criminal:A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions ============END============= =============================== THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SUCCESS =============================== SPEAK TO PEOPLE - There is nothing as nice as cheerful greeting. SMILE - It takes 72 muscles to frown-only 14 to smile. CALL PEOPLE BY NAME - Everyone is pleased when u remember their name. BE FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL - And others will respond in like manner. SPEAK AND ACT - As if everything u do is a genuine pleasure. BE GENUINELY - Interested in people. BE GENEROUS - With praise cautious with criticism. BE CONSIDERATE - With the feeling of others,it will be appreciated. BE THOUGHTFUL - Of the opinions of others,listen them... BE WILLING - To give service,what counts most in life is what we do for others ===========END=============== ========================= A LOOK at WORLD ECONOMICS ========================= ---------------------- TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS: ---------------------- You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income. ---------------------- ----------------- INDIAN ECONOMICS ----------------- You have two cows. You worship them. ------------------ PAKISTAN ECONOMICS ------------------ You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world ---------------------- --------------------- AMERICAN ECONOMICS --------------------- You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows. ------------------ ---------------- FRENCH ECONOMICS ---------------- You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. -------------------- ------------------ GERMAN ECONOMICS ------------------ You have two cows. You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. -------------------- ------------------- BRITISH ECONOMICS ------------------ You have two cows. They are both mad. ------------------ ------------------- ITALIAN ECONOMICS ------------------ You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch. ------------------ SWISS ECONOMICS ------------------ You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. ---------------------------- ------------------ JAPANESE ECONOMICS ------------------ You have two cows. You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. ----------------------- ------------------ CHINESE ECONOMICS ------------------ You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers. ------------------------- ----------------- RUSSIAN ECONOMICS ----------------- You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of Vodka ==============END============ ===================== Roles in the Heaven: ===================== Brahma:Systems Installation Vishnu: Systems Administration & Support Lakshmi: Finance and Accounts consultant Saraswati: Training and Knowledge Management Shiva: DBA (Crash Specialist) Ganesh: Quality Assuarance & Documentation Narada: Data transfer Yama: Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant Chitragupta: IDP & Personal Records Apsaras: Downloadable Viruses Devas: Mainframe Programmers Surya: Solaris Administrator Rakshasas: In house Hackers Ravan: Internet Explorer WWWF Kumbhakarnan: Zombie Process Lakshman: Support Software and Backup Hanuman: Linux/s390 Vaali: MS Windows Sugreeva: DOS Jatayu: Firewall Dronacharya: System Programmer Vishwamitra: Sr. Manager Projects Shakuni: Annual appraisal & Promotion Valmiki: Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) Krishna: SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle ) Dharmaraj Yudhishthira: ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) Arjun: Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him) Abhimanyu: Trainee Programmer Draupadi: Motivation & Team building Bhima: MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM Duryodhana: Microsoft product Written in VB Karna: Contract programmer Dhrutarashtra: Visual C++ Gandhari: Dreamweaver 100 Kauravas: Microsoft Service Packs and patches ======================== ================= The Simple Facts ================= 1. Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world? 2. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. 3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 4. Banging your head against a wall uses an average of 900 calories an hour. 5. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death. 6. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. 7. "I am ." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 8. The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. 9. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. 10. Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 11. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. 12. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. 13. Every time you lick a stamp,you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. 14. Cat's urine glows under a black light. 15. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. 16. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 17. Babies are born without knee caps.They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. 18. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. 19. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. 20. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 22. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30's lobbied against hemp farmers they saw it as competition. 23. You know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. 24. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 25. There are 2 credit cards for every person in the US. 26. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." 27. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 28. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 29. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds,dogs only have about ten. 30. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. ================================= ============= Laws of Love ============== {1} Universal law of Love: " Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money " {2} First law of Love: " A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. " {3} Second law of Love: " The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. " {4} Third law of Love: " The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ===================== Some funny lines ===================== ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ******** OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime ******** SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. ******** GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ******** HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ******** LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ******** PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. ******** DISCUSSION T! ECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. ******** HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ******** SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT. ******** ================END============= ========================== Computer acronyms list Humorous Computer-Related Acronyms ========================== IBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De- accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems Expectations Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer Companies APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit- Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot Pursuit IBM: I Blame Microsoft MAC: Most Absurd Computer MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers NEXT: Now EXchange for Trash OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. WARP: What A Rot Program Acronymns for Other Computer Terms: AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language DOS: Defective Operating System ISDN: It Still Does Nothing LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics SCSI: System Can't See It WWW: World Wide Wait ============END============== ============== Three Things ============== .......... Three things in life that, once gone, never come back: Time Words Opportunity ------------------------- Three things in life that may never be lost Peace Hope Honesty -------------------------- Three things in life that are most valuable Love Self - Confidence Friends ------------------------- Three things in life that are never certain Dreams Success Fortune ------------------------- Three things that make a man/woman Hardwork Sincerity Commitment ------------------------- Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman Alcohol Pride Anger -------------------------- Three things in life that, once lost,hard to build-up Respect Trust Friends ------------------------- Three things in life that never fail True Love Determination Belief Feb.07,2007 ------------------------ ========== Oxymorons ========== Why is it that we park in driveways and drive on parkways? Act naturally Resident alien Genuine imitation Good grief Almost exactly Sanitary landfill Legally drunk Jumbo Shrimp American history Small crowd Soft rock Sweet sorrow "Now, then ..." Taped live Peace force Plastic glasses Tight slacks Pretty ugly Working vacation Found missing Advanced BASIC Same difference Alone together Silent scream Living dead Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Clearly misunderstood Exact estimate =================== =================== What do they mean!? ==================== AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographers studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW =============== ============== English Homonyms ================================================== · We must polish the Polish furniture. · He could lead if he would get the lead out. · The farm was used to produce produce. · The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. · The soldier decided to desert in the desert. · This was a good time to present the present. · A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. · When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. · I did not object to the object. · The insurance was invalid for the invalid. · The bandage was wound around the wound. · There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. · They were too close to the door to close it. · The buck does funny things when the does are present. · They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. · To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. · The wind was too strong to wind the sail. · After a number of injections my jaw got number. · Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. · I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. · How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? ------------------------------------- ============================================================== Rhyming couplets [A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.] ============================================================== ********* My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe " go to hell" ********* Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. ********* Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face ********* Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not ********* I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face ********* I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies ! ********* I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming ********* My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way =============******============ ===================== Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense ===================== Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 -year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. 2/19/2007 =============END==================== ====================== Humor from Great Minds ====================== 1.As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... -- Sir Norman Wisdom 2.One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. -- Edgar Watson Howe 3.A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! -- Doug Larson 4.A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie! -- Eric Bolton 5.When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Erno Philips 6.I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. -- Robert Paul 7.We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller 8.Laughter is the closest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge 9.Start every day with a smile and get it over with. -- W.C. Fields 10.Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. -- Will Rogers 11. Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. -- Mickey Rooney 12.Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. -- Tim Allen 13. If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner 14.I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen 15.Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. -- Erica Jong 16. Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard 17.Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson 18.In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. -- Joey Adams 19.I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -- Henry Youngman 20.Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ? -- Benny Hill ======================================== ====================== Office Etiquette - Some Suggestions ====================== (Cellular) Mobile Phones ........................ Use your vibrating alarm feature. Taking a call in a restaurant is okay, but not if it is going to become involved. Excuse yourself and go where you won't disturb others. Watch your speaking volume. Folks tend to speak louder than is necessary on wireless phones. When in a meeting or even in a public place, it is best to have your voice mail set to receive your calls -- unless you are looking for an important call (Then you'd use your vibrating alarm). Never take a call at a public gathering such as a theater or a church. Get a "hands-free" kit for making and taking calls while driving. Stop the car to make calls if possible. ................ Office Etiquette Dos and Don'ts ................ ===Do====… Say good morning Say thank you Say please Be helpful Be friendly Be polite Seek help for anger problems Dress professionally Ask permission to enter a co-workers' space or cubicle Show appreciation Control your emotions Have a sense of humor Be courteous and show respect toward others Take responsibility for your mistakes Be helpful; ask if help is needed ===Don't===… Talk harshly Condescend Backstab Gossip Be rude to customers Bad mouth the company Bring your personal life to work Take long breaks or lunches Say it's not your job Interrupt others Have an office romance Use drugs or alcohol at work Wear provocative clothing Be a chronic complainer ===Taking Incoming Calls=== ----------------------------- Smile. It really shows through. Stand when you want to give your voice more energy. Always answer with the name of your company or business. If it's someone's office, you may use their name --Good morning. Mr. Smith's office. This is Mr. Jones. How may I direct your call? Never just say "Hello?" Try to answer before the third ring. Do not "fight back" with a rude or obnoxious caller. Your mission is to resolve any conflict peacefully. Speak distinctly. Rushing your speech, will make it harder for the listener to make out what your are saying. Transfer callers only if you are sure the person you are transferring them to can help them. Never transfer a caller without telling them you are transferring them. It is best to ask if you may transfer them. And always tell them to whom they are being transferred. If you must put the caller on hold, come back "at least" once a minute, preferrably every 30 seconds, to let the caller know what's happening. Offer to call them back so that they dont' have to wait 2/19/2007 ==============END========= ===================== The Road to Success ===================== The Road to success is not straight There is a curve called failure A loop called confusion Speed bumps called friends Red lights called enemies Caution lights called family You will have flats called jobs, But, if you have a spare called determination An engine called perseverance Insurance called faith A driver called God You will make it to a place called Success! ======================END======== ========== Oxymorons ========== Why is it that we park in driveways and drive on parkways? Act naturally Resident alien Genuine imitation Good grief Almost exactly Sanitary landfill Legally drunk Jumbo Shrimp American history Small crowd Soft rock Sweet sorrow "Now, then ..." Taped live Peace force Plastic glasses Tight slacks Pretty ugly Working vacation Found missing Advanced BASIC Same difference Alone together Silent scream Living dead Synthetic natural gas Passive aggression Clearly misunderstood Exact estimate =================== =================== What do they mean!? =================== AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographers studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW =============== ============== English Homonyms · We must polish the Polish furniture. · He could lead if he would get the lead out. · The farm was used to produce produce. · The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. · The soldier decided to desert in the desert. · This was a good time to present the present. · A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. · When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. · I did not object to the object. · The insurance was invalid for the invalid. · The bandage was wound around the wound. · There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. · They were too close to the door to close it. · The buck does funny things when the does are present. · They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. · To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. · The wind was too strong to wind the sail. · After a number of injections my jaw got number. · Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. · I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. · How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? -------------------------------------------------------- ============= Three Things ============= ============= 1. Three things in life that, once gone, never come back: Time Words Opportunity ------------------------- 2. Three things in life that may never be lost Peace Hope Honesty -------------------------- 3. Three things in life that are most valuable Love Self - Confidence Friends ------------------------- 4. Three things in life that are never certain Dreams Success Fortune ------------------------- Three things that make a man/woman Hardwork Sincerity Commitment ------------------------- 5. Three things in life that can destroy a man/woman Alcohol Pride Anger -------------------------- 6. Three things in life that, once lost,hard to build-up Respect Trust Friends ------------------------- 7. Three things in life that never fail True Love Determination Belief Feb.07,2007 =========================== =========================== ========================================= This is India i.e. Bharat i.e. Hindustan ======================================== 01 The first multipurpose project in India is Damodar Valley 02 The place in North East India which receives the highest annual rainfall is Chirrapunji 03 The largest Indian river flowing into the Arabian Sea is Narmada 04 Indian broadcasting was nationalised in 1930 05 The Indian forests are divided into how many regions Eight 06 The place where Indian Standard time coinsides with local time is Allahabad 07 The industry for which Vishakapatnam is famous for is Ship Building 08 The state which is the largest producer of iron ore in India is Karnataka 09 The longest railway platform in India measuring 836.63 mts. is located at Kharagpur 10 The Indian state which is largest exporter of cashewnut is Kerala 11 The main occupation of Indians is Agriculture 12 Nagarjuna Sagar dam is built across the River Krishna 13 Madras state was renamed as Tamilnadu in the year 1969 14 The main industry of Assam is Tea Industry 15 The Indian state which has maximum number of districts is Uttar pradesh 16 The length of Indian coastline is 7500 kms 17 The longest day in India is 21st June 18 The biggest museum in india is Indian Museum,Calcutta 19 The source of river Indus is Mount Kailash,Tibet 20 Kodaikanal, a famous holiday resort is located in Tamilnadu 21 Bangalore city is also called the Garden city 22 The only place in India where rock salt is found is in Mandi,Himachal Pradesh 23 The Gandhi Sagar dam is constructed across the river Chambal 24 The river that passes through the Thar desert is Sindhu 25 Nagoor,a place in Tamilnadu,is famous for Famous muslim shrine 26 The Hindustan Ship Yard is located at Vishakapatnam 27 The Indian state that tops in the production of cocoa is Kerala 28 The first major steel plant established in India was Tata Iron & Steel Co,Jamshedpur 29 Crude oil is found in south Gujarat at Ankleshwar 30 The first oil well drilled in India was at Naharpong in Assam 31 Calcutta is situated on the banks of river Hoogli 32 The largest opium growing state in India is Uttar Pradesh 33 Hindustan Antibiotics Ltd,India's largest manufacturer of penicillin is located at Pimpri 34 The former name of Arunachal Pradesh was NEFA 35 Khajuraho temples are located at Chattarput,M.P. 36 The Indian freedom fighter who turned into a famous spiritualist was Aurobindo Ghosh 37 The king who installed a `Chain of Justice' outside his place was Jehangir 38 The name of the mines in Rajasthas from where we get zinc is Zawar 39 Singereni in Andhra Pradesh is famous for Coal Mines 40 Amaravathi is located on the bank of river Krishna 41 Agra was founded in the year 1506 42 Ajmer was founded by Raja Ajay Dev Chauhan 43 The only Indian state where we find nickel ore is Orissa 44 The Udaygiri caves were built by Karavelu 45 The strength of Lok Sabha is 545 members 46 The National Museum of Natural History is located at New Delhi 48 The Indian Prime Minister who nationalised the banks was Mrs.Indira Gandhi 49 The birth date of Jawaharlal Nehru is 14th November 1889 50 The Environment protection Act came into effect in 1986 51 The capital city founded on the bank of river Gomathi is Lucknow 52 The president of the Indian National congress at its first session held in 1885 was Womesh Chandra Banerji 53 Bhaskara-II was a famous Mathematician 54 The Bhopal Gas leak incident occured in December 1984 55 The city that is called the city of golden Temple is Amritsar 56 Traveller Hawkins visited India in the year 1608 AD 57 Mahadevi Varma won the Jnanpith for her book titled Yama 58 The headquarters of Oil and Natural Gas Commission is located at Dehradun 59 `Satyartha Prakash'was written by Swami Dayananda Saraswati 60 Emperor Akbar's Revenue Minister was Todarmal 61 The elder brother of famous sitarist Ravishankar is Uday Shankar,dancer 62 The first batsman to score a century in each of his first three tests is Mohammed Azharuddin 63 The 10th Vice-President of India is Krishan Kant 64 The first Chief of Indian Navy was R.D.Katari 65 The longest road in India is the Grand Trunk Road 66 The first modern college in India is the Fort William college,Calcutta 67 The first purely Indian bank is the Punjab National Bank 68 Lalit Kala Academy of India is situated at New Delhi 69 The first Indian to win Oscar Award is Bhanu Athaiya 70 Goa was liberated in the year 1961 71 Sharda Act was enacted to prevent Child Marriage 72 National Science day is celebrated on 28th February 73 Jamnalal Bajaj Awards are given for Constructive work 74 Rabindranath Tagore give up his knighthood because of the tragic incident of Jallianwala Bagh massacre 75 The Chief minister of a state who was awarded the Bharat Ratna was M.G.Ramachandran 76 Baba Amte's real name is Muralidhar Devidas Amte 77 Mihirsen,India's famous long distance swimmer,was by profession An Advocate 78 Dr.Pramod Karan Sethi is famous for the Jaipur foot 79 Rabindranath Tagore was born at Jorasanko,Calcutta 80 The name of the school started by Rabindranath Tagore was Shanti Niketan 81 Neyveli Thermal Power Station is located in Tamil Nadu 82 The earlier name of Assam was Kamrup 83 Sir C.V.Raman was born at Thirunavannikaval 84 The Indian Academy of Science was founded by C.V.Raman 85 The Indian Academy of Science is located at Bangalore 86 All India Institute of Medical Science is located at New Delhi 87 Atomic Energy Commission is located at Mumbai 88 Cement Research Institute of India is located at Balabhgarh 89 Space Applications Centre is located at Ahmedabad 90 Jog falls is located at Jog,Karnataka 91 Jawaharlal Nehru died in the year 1964 92 Aurangzeb died in the year 1707 93 Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan died in the year Frontier Gandhi 94 Rabindranath Tagore died in the year 1941 95 Mahatma Gandhi died in the year 1948 96 Zakir Hussein died in the year 1969 97 Raja Ram Mohan Roy died in the year 1833 98 India's second Prime Minister was Gulzarilal Nanda 99 The first Law Minister of Independent India was Dr.B.R.Ambedkar 100 Jawaharlal Nehru's biography "With No Regrets"was written by Krishan Hathisingh 101 India's first test tube baby was born in June 1986 102 The leader whose death was announced in the Lok Sabha before his actual death was Jayaprakash Narayan 103 The Gold mines located in Andhra Pradesh are Ramagiri Gold Fields,Ananthapur district 104 The Homeguards were organised in India in the year 1962 105 Ankleshwar oil field is located in Gujarat 106 The Indian Prime Minister who wrote the book `Nature Cure'was Morarji Desai 107 Burma seperated from India in the year 1937 108 `Sea Bird'project is located at Karwar 109 The name of the artificial harbour along the west coast India is Kandla 110 The first medical college was established in India at Calcutta 111 Jawaharlal Nehru's mother's name was Swaroop Rani 112 The pin code was introduced in India in the year 1972 113 In his last years,Ambedkar converted to Buddhism 114 Gandhiji's mother's name was Putli Bai 115 Gandhiji was born on 2nd October 1869 116 Khushwant Singh is a famous Journalist 117 The film actor who became the chiefminister of Andhra Pradesh was N.T.Rama Rao 118 Satyajit Ray was awarded the Bharat Ratna in the year 1992 119 Central Research Institute is located at Kasauli 120 The movie Raja Harishchandra was released in the year 1913 121 The first Indian Prime Minister to resign from office was Morarji Desai 122 The largest railway bridge in India is Sone Bridge,Bihar 123 The largest dome in India is the Gol Gumbaz,Bijapur 124 Air Force Day is celebrated on October 8 125 Indian Military Academy is located at Dehradun 126 The postal department was set up in India in the year 1854 127 Army day is celebrated on 21st Century 128 Navy day is celebrated on 4th December 129 The national flower of India is Lotus 130 NABARD was established in the year 1982 131 Koradi Thermal power Station is located at Maharashtra 132 PTI stands for Press Trust of India 133 Rail Coach Factory is located at Kapurthala 134 The construction of India was adopted on 26-11-1949 135 The construction of India became effective on 26-1-1950 136 `Mrinalini'was written by Bankim chandra Chatterjee 137 Bhagat Singh was hanged in the year 1931 138 Sheik Abdulla was popularly known as Sher-e-Kashmir 139 Goa attained statehood on 30 May 1987 140 Gujarat attained statehood on 1 May 1960 141 Haryana attained statehood on 1 November 1966 142 The capital of Haryana is Chandigarh 143 Panipat is popularly known as Weaver City 144 Dal lake is located in Jammu and Kashmir 145 Madhya Pradesh attained statehood on November 1956 146 The capital of Madhya Pradesh is Bhopal 147 Manipur attained statehood on 21st January 1972 148 The capital of Manipur is Imphal 149 Meghalaya attained statehood on 21st January 1972 150 The capital of Meghalaya is Shillong 151 Meghalaya state was carved out of Assam 152 Mizoram attained statehood on 20th February 1987 153 The capital of Mizoram is Aizawl 154 Before attaining statehood,Mizoram was one of the districts of Assam 155 Nagaland attained statehood on 1 December 1963 156 The capital of Nagaland is Kohima 157 Orissa was earlier known as Kalinga 158 The capital of Orissa is Bhubaneshwar 159 The main airport of Orissa is located at Bhubaneshwar 160 Rajasthan attained statehood in the year 1958 161 The capital of Rajasthan is Jaipur 162 The capital of Sikkim is Gangtok 163 India's highest peak is the Kanchenjunga 164 Mount Abu, a famous hill station is located at Rajasthan 165 The main attraction of Mount Abu are the Dilwara Jain Temples 166 Hussain Sagar Lake is located at Hyderabad 167 The Samadhi of Gandhiji is known as Rajghat 168 The Samadhi of Gandhiji is located on the bank of river Yamuna 169 The largest state in India is Madhya Pradesh 170 The highest TV tower in India is located at New Delhi 171 The most literate state in India is Kerala 172 Golconda Fort is located near Hyderabad 173 Gateway of India is located at Mumbai 174 Buland Darwaza is located at Fatehpur Sikri 175 Badrinath is located at Uttar Pradesh 176 Elephanta Caves are located on an island near Mumbai 177 Ajanta caves are located near Aurangabad 178 Humayu's tomb is located at New Delhi 179 Jantar Mantar is located in New Delhi 180 Jantar Mantar is an Observatory 181 Jantar Mantar was constructed by Maharaja Jai Singh II 182 Mughal Gardens is located at New Delhi 183 Qutb-Minar is located at New Delhi 184 Rashtrapati Bhawan was built by Edwin Lutyens 185 The samadhi of Indira Gandhi is known as Shakti Sthal 186 The Tower of Victory is located at Chittoor 187 Victoria Memorial is located at Calcutta 188 The highest airfield of India is the Chushul airfield,Ladakh 189 The largest lake of India is the Wular lake,Kashmir 190 The largest Zoo of India is the Zoological Garden,Calcutta 191 The most populated state of India is Uttar Pradesh 192 Central Bureau of Investigation was formed in 1963 193 BSF stands for Border Security Force 194 ITBP stands for Indo-Tibetan Border Police 195 The actual name of Mother Teresa was Agnes Gonxha Bejaxhiu 196 A programme launched by Chandrababu Naidu,Chief minister of Andhra Pradesh, to clean the city of Hyderabad was named Janmabhoomi 197 Vajpayee Government was sworn in for the second time on 19 march, 1998 198 Miss World 1997 contest was held at Seychelles 199 The Miss World 1997 title was won by Diana Hayden 200 The Miss World 1996 Contest was held at Bangalore 201 Mother Teresa died on 5 September 1997 202 Bill Gates visited India in March 1997 203 The Carnatic volalist who won the Bharat Ratna Award was M.S.Subbulakshmi 204 The first musician to get the Bharat Ratna M.S.Subbulakshmi 205 Kerala attained statehood on 1st November 1956 206 Sahar airport is located at Mumbai 207 Dum Dum airport is located at Calcutta 208 The first ever railway train travelled from Bombay-Thane 209 The only Indian metro railway system is at Calcutta 210 Air India was formed in 1946 211 Indian Airlines was formed in 1953 212 Indira Gandhi airport is located at Delhi 213 Meenambakkam airport is located at Chennai 214 The Export-Import Bank of India is also known as EXIM Bank 215 The Navy Academy is located at Cochin 216 In 1983,Bharat Ratna was posthumously awarded to Acharya Vinoba Bhave 217 Mrs.Indira Gandhi was assassinated on 31-10-1984 218 Mr.Rajiv Gandhi was assassinated on 21-5-1991 219 The strength of Rajya Sabha is 250 220 The supreme commander of Army,Navy and Airforce is the President 221 The Chairman of the Lok Sabha is the Speaker 222 Pong dam is located in Punjab 223 The fastest train in India is the Shatabdi Express 224 The oldest refinery in India is the Digboi refinery 225 The largest refinery of India is the IOC Refinery at Koyah,Gujarat 226 The Bhakra dam is built across the River Sutlej 227 The first General Elections were held in India in the year 1952 228 The first engineering college established in India is the Thompson college,Roorkee 229 The first library established in India is the William Carey library,Serampore 230 The oldest english daily newspaper of India is The Times of India 231 The largest post office in India is the GPO,Mumbai 232 The largest prison in India is the Tihar Central Jail,Delhi 233 The first Indian state formed on linguistic basis after Independence was Andhra Pradesh 234 The largest cave temple in India is Ellora 235 The only diamond producing area in India is Panna Diamond Belt,M.P. 236 The biggest public sector bank in India is the State Bank of India 237 Reserve Bank of India was established in 1935 238 The oldest tree in India is the Monus Serrata at Joshimutt 239 The first Education Minister of free India was Maulana Abul Kalam Azad 240 Who is known as the Father of Indian industry Jamshedji Tata 241 Gandhiji was assassinated by Nathuram Godse 242 VDIS was launched on July 1, 1997 January 04,2006 ========================== ========================== Very Interesting theorems ========================== After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one. If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings. The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 6/20/2006 ===================================== ============== H U M O U R ============== How to kill a mosquito: Catch it alive,Tie its legs then make gudgudi in its stomach and when it laughs,Catch its mouth & pour a spoon of poisson ..... ----------------------------------- why do monkeys love banana.... - oops i am so sorry ........ - thats your personal matter! -------------------------------------------- MURGI USKE TEEN BACHCHO KE SAATH ROAD CROSS KAR RAHI THI ... ROAD CROSS KARNE KE BAAD BACHCHE NE BOLA MUMMY HUM PANCHO NE ROAD CROSS KAR LIYA............... AB BOLO 5 KAISE HUE...??? BOLO BOLO.... ITNA BHI NAHI SAMAJHTE ..... BOLO BOLO... BACHCHA HAI YAAR KUCH BHI BOL SAKTA..HAI.... --------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle, Million soldiers 2 protect a Country, BUT just ONE man 2 make a Happy HOME! Lets say thaNks to Our Ramu. ----------------------------------- ---------------------------------- HAR KHUSI KO TERI TARAF MOD DENGE, TERE LIYE CHAND TARE TOD DENGE, TERE LIYE KHUSIYON KE DARVAAJE KHOL DENGE, 1 BAAR HAS KE TO DIKHA TERE SAARE DAAT TOD DENGE HA..HA..HA.. ------------------------------------------- --------------------------------- A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses wife instead: Im afraid he died last week. she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. I told you the wife replies, he died last week. The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: IVE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING? Coz . . . he replied laughing, I just love hearing it. . . . --------------------------------------- --------------------------------- what a chicken will say when its been coocked with green chilli- "hum pe ye kisine hara rang dala.......maar dala .......maar dala" --------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- Thought 4 de day: kabhi hosla bhi azmana chahiye, bure waqt me muskurana bhi chahiye, chahe kitni bhi thand pade hafte me ek baar to nahana chahiye Gunghat Mein Tujhe Dekha To Deewanna Hua, Sangeet Ka Taraana Hua, Shamaa Ka Parwana Hua, Masti Ka mastaana Hua, Jaise Hi Gunghat Uthaya Is Duniya Se Ravana Hua ----------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- When i fall i need ur hand 2 hold me, when i win i need ur hand 2 pat me, when i lose i need ur hand 2 console me, In short.... YE HAATH MUJHE DE DE, THAKUR! ------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------- Bhagwan ke naam pe 1 patni dede... Apni nahi toh dusre ki dede... Bhagwan tujhe 1 kay badle3 dega Anurag ki tarah Prerna kay saath Aparna aur komolika free dega ---------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------- When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!.. & When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!! .... -------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------- Jaise lohe ko loha kaatta hai,zehar ko zehar kaat ta hai, Heere ko heera kaat ta hai,Waise hiee ek din tumko kutta katega.... --------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast n fast n fast,do u think its LOVE? na Munna na its called high B/P... ---------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ Last night I dreamt that I was walking with GOD & I told him that I have a friend Like U ...he smiled & said,Beta! Yeh sab Pichle Janam Ke paap hain. ------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------ Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko....... Bakari chadhi pahad par , pani peene ko......... pani mila nahin, bakari neeche ootar aayee wah! wah! wah! wah! --------------------------------------------- 9/5/2006 ============================================= Q:WHICH IS THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD? A 1:Its light, Nothing can travel faster than light A 2:It's the Thought; b'cos thought is so fast it comes instantly in your mind. A 3:Its Blink, you can blink and its hard to realize you blinked Foolman answers:Its Loose motion. Last night after dinner,I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps,and before I could THINK,BLINK,TURN ON THE LIGHTS,it was over! ======================================= ================== ASTONISHING FACTS: ================== 1) LONGEST ENGLISH WORD: Praetertranssubstantiationalistically 2) BOOK WITHOUT LETTER 'e': GADFY, written by Earnest Wright in 1939 is a 50,000+ word book,which doesn't contain a single word with ' e' in it 3) WORD WITHOUT VOWEL: RHYTHM 4) BRAIN: Organ of body which has no sensation when cut. 5) CROCODILE: Only animal & reptile which sheds tear while eating. 6) No of Alphabets, which SOUND AS WORDS: 10. They are B Bee C Sea G Zee I Eye Q Queue R Are S Yes T Tea U You Y Why FASCINATING ANIMALS, BIRDS, TREES: ---------------------------------- 1) SNAILS have 14175 teeth laid along 135 rows on their tounge. 2) A BUTTERFLY has 12,000 eyes. 3) DOLPHINS sleep with 1 eye open. 4) A BLUE WHALE can eat as much as 3 tonnes of food everyday, but at the same time can live without food for 6 months. 5) The EARTH has over 12,00,000 species of animals, 3,00,000 species of plants & 1,00,000 other species. 6) The fierce DINOSAUR was TRYNOSAURS which has sixty long & sharp teeth, used to attack & eat other dinosaurs. 7) DIMETRODON was a mammal like REPTILE with a snail on its back. This acted as a radiator to cool the body of the animal. 8) CASSOWARY is one of the dangerous BIRD, that can kill a man or animal by tearing off with its dagger like claw. 9) The SWAN has over 25,000 feathers in its body. 10) OSTRICH eats pebbles to help digestion by grinding up the ingested food. 11) POLAR BEAR can look clumsy & slow but during chase on ice, can reach 25 miles / hr of speed. 12) KIWIS are the only birds, which hunt by sense of smell. 13) ELEPHANT teeth can weigh as much as 9 pounds. 14) OWL is the only bird, which can rotate its head to 270 degrees. WHAT ARE THEY: -------------- 1) If we say 'MUMMY', they come together & go apart when we say 'DADDY': LIPS 2) What goes up & never comes down: AGE 3) Patches over patches but no stitches: CABBAGE 4) What is that we cannot see, but is always before you: FUTURE 5) What goes up & down a hill, but never moves: ROAD 6) You can never wet it: SHADOW 7) What belongs to to You, but used by your friends more often you do: YOUR NAME IN 24 HOURS AVERAGE HUMAN: --------------------------- 1) HEART beats 1,03,689 times. 2) LUNGS respire 23,045 times. 3) BLOOD flows 16,80,000 miles. 4) NAILS grow 0.00007 inches 5) HAIR grows 0.01715 inches 6) Take 2.9 pounds WATER (including all liquids) 7) Take of 3.25 pounds FOOD. 8) Breathe 438 cubic feet AIR. 9) Lose 85.60, BODY TEMPERATURE. 10) Produce 1.43 pints SWEAT. 11) Speak 4,800 WORDS. 12) During SLEEP move 25.4 times. 7/11/2006 ============================================== ==================== Try Or don't Try ==================== If u r smart then try to answer the questions below or else dont try it 1. If all the nations in the world are in debt (I am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (Weird) 2. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (To be given a thought) 3. What is the speed of darkness? (Absurd) 4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (Very good thinking) 5. Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (Who Knows?) 6. Can you cry under water? (Let me try) 7. Why do people say, "Youve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (I think they meant something else) 8. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows) 9. Do fish ever get thirsty? (Let me ask and tell) 10. Can you get cornered in a round room? (By ones eyes) 11. What does OK actually mean? (OK, I don't know) 12. Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (Tonight I will stay and watch) 13. What came first, the fruit or the color orange? (Seed) 14. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments) 15. What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments) 16. If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (Can somebody help?) 17. Can you blow a balloon up under water? (Yes u can) 18. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (Strange isn't it) 19. If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be able to hear it? (Got to think scientifically) 20. If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (I don't have a change to try) 21. Why is it called a TV set when there's only one? (Very nice) 22. I f a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (This is nice) 23. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (Stupid, break the law) 8/4/2006 ===================================================== =========== Invitation =========== || ~Shree Khaa Naa Ya Peena Namaha~ || Mrs. and Mr. Sambhar Chatni Request the pleasure of the company of Mrs. & Mr. Idli On the occasion of the Marriage of their grandson, SADA DOSA ( Son of Mrs. & Mr. Masala Dosa) with PANI PURI (Daughter of Mrs. & Mr. Bhel Puri) on 10th January 2006, 12.00 a.m. at Dahi Wada Hall, Samosa Building, Cham Cham Road, Opposite Papad Theatre, Haldiram, Mumbai Rasgulla 400 000. Res. : "Nariyal ka Chatni", Paneer Rd. Chola Battura Avenue, Mumbai Dhokla 400 111. Tel. 91-22-25618241 email id: Stomach_upset@indigestion.com NO GIFTS PLEASE, ONLY PRESENTS. Best wishes from : Mr. Ghee roast dosa and Mrs. Dahi puri 6/10/2006 ================================== These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things attorneys actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters ,who had to suffer from the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ================================== ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: &! nbsp; Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. 6/5/2006 ================= JUST READ THESE ================= 1) The night was dark, the moon was high, I stopped my car....u wondered why? I leant so close, u felt shy. I uttered those three words.... I ......la.......puncture !! 2) Friends r like mirrors, they r our reflection. You r damn lucky I look good !!!! 3) You = cute You = hot You = sweet You = intelligent You = amazing You = perfect Me = liar. 4) I have a confession to make, ever since I have known u, Its kinda hard for me to forget u. Every night u appear in my dreams, And I find my self shouting..... BHOOT !!! BHOOT !!! 5) I look at the stars, the stars r beautiful Then I look at you...... I ...... I ....... I rather look at the stars again. ***** 6) Look at the world as one big chocolate cake. It would never be complete without few sweets n nuts. Sweets like ME and nuts like YOU. 7) U r 100% beautiful, u r 100% lucky u r 100% sweet , u r 100% nice, and u r 100% stupid to believe these words 8) Good looking people r hard to find. That's why u don't ...... That's y u don't see me often. 9) A good speech should b like a women's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject, And short enough to create interest. 10) When u feel sad.... To cheer up just go to the mirror and say, "damn I am really sooo cute" u will overcome ur sadness. But don't make this a habit..... Coz liars go to hell !!!! 11) Jassi singh tells his gf, "come home tomorrow, no one will b at home." When she goes the next day to his home....... There was NO ONE at home. 12) What frustrates the sardarji when his wife delivers twins??? He wonders who is the father of the second child. 13) Your brain will be refreshed in the next five seconds..... 5...... 4....... 3....... 2....... 1........ LOADING..... ERROR: no brain detected. 14) WIFE : " I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in ur hands all day." HUSBAND : " I too wish that u were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday." 15) A SARDARJI is in the library , he bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story". LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away?? 16) God created ME to b ur friend. He picked ME out from all the REST coz he knows I am ....well one of the BEST. AHEM !! don't argue with God now 6/5/2006 ================END================== ============= Add one more Finished ==================================== Bengali One Bengali = poet. Two Bengalis = a film society. Three Bengalis = political party. Four Bengalis = two political parties. More than four Bengali's = Countrywide agitation to bring Ganguli into Team. Bihari One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav. Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad. Three Biharis = caste killing. Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna. Punjabi One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky. Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky. Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds. Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one. Mallu One Mallu = coconut stall. Two Mallus = a boat race. Three Mallus = Gulf job racket. Four Mallus = oil slick. UP Bhaiyya One UP bhaiyya = a milkman. Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop. Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly. Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad. Gujju One Gujju = share-broker in a Bombay train. Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train. Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant. Four Gujjus = stock market scam. Andhraite One Andhraite = chili farmer. Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey. Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit. Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie. Kashmiri One Kashmiri = carpet salesman. Two Kashmiris = carpet factory. Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit. Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order. Tamil-Brahmin One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple. Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class. Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m. Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara. Bombayite One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall. Two Bombayites = film studio. Three Bombayites = slum. Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train at rush hour. Sindhi One Sindhi = currency racket. Two Sindhis = papad factory. Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar. Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association. Marwari One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator. Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta. Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis. Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community. Haryanvi One Haryanavi = tube light Two Haryanavi = agriculture Three haryannavi= Lathi squad Four haryanavi = actually just one was 5/25/2006 ==================================== ================= This,then,is LIFE ===================================== God created the donkey And said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tryingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. "The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years. "God granted his wish. God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. "The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. Finally God created man And said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to b