Zeke and Elmont Up at my country house, I have two friends from the city named Zeke and Elmont. In the country we live within a mile from each other, but in the city Elmont lives in Greenwich Village, I live around midtown, and Zeke lives in upper Harlem. There's a big difference between Zeke and Elmont. Sure, they're both the same ages, both do something at City College, (Elmont is a genius, so that's where he goes to school, and Zeke's on the baseball and basketball team), but they're different. Zeke is my age, 10 years old, but he is 6'4" and he weighs 195 lbs. Elmont is my age, and he's an A+ student in college. Elmont likes to see scientific documentaries when we go to the movies, but Zeke looks for movies with the most blood and gore. Well, you get the picture. Now you can hear about how my story all started on that September day, just before school had started.
Elmont was at my country house. We have these ponds where there used to be frogs, but Zeke scared most of them off. Elmont was doing an extra credit project for science about frog's behavior, but all of the frogs jumped away when they laid their eyes on the massive body of Zeke Smith. Elmont was clearly annoyed, but you can't say anything negative to a guy twice as big as you. Zeke asked if there were any bullfrogs in the pond, because he enjoyed torturing them. Elmont answered his question by saying, "There were until you walked by." Zeke was obviously pleased.
He said, "I scared those wimpy things off! I'm Super Zeke!" Then he started jumping up and down, yelling "Super Zeke" I don't know how many times. Then we both noticed that Elmont looked like he had seen a ghost. We asked him what was the matter, and he said, "Look over there."
We looked at what he was pointing at. Elmont looked scared, I looked amazed, but Zeke looked ticked off. "What are you doing in MY pond? You worthless maggot of a frog," he said to the biggest frog I, and probably anybody, had ever seen. It must have been as big as Zeke's head. As big as his head is, it's nothing compared to his head when it swells up with anger. He ran over to the frog and tried to catch it in his hands, as we used to do before the frogs started running from the sight of Zeke. The frog jumped out of the way so fast that Zeke didn't know which direction he had jumped. Then when he finally laid his eyes on the frog, it jumped onto his head. I stood there, in disbelief, and even Elmont was gawking. Then Zeke took his big hand and smashed the frog, but the frog stayed the same shape as usual, and it actually looked a little ticked off. I could just imagine steam coming from its ears. It kicked Zeke in the head with one of its big feet, and that was it for Zeke.
He caught the frog in his hands, and squeezed as hard as he could. Elmont and I said "No, Zeke," but we didn't try to restrain him since the frog was nonchalantly ignoring everything Zeke was doing. That was it for me, and I fainted. When the frog jumped to the ground, Zeke looked a little surprised, but while he was trying to catch it, it untied his shoe. Then Elmont fainted. When it hit Zeke with the shoe, Zeke fainted.
When we awoke to my mom's cry of "Lunch is ready!" we found Zeke's shoe in the pond.
The next day we agreed to go to a movie. Actually, we agreed to go to three movies. One of the movies was a documentary about some kind of weird frog behavior that Elmont was going to watch so that he didn't have to go to my pond again to study frogs. The second movie was Saving Private Ryan. Zeke wanted to watch it not because he was interested in the story, but because seeing body parts scattered around made him feel good. The movie I picked was a called Being John Malkovich. Elmont's movie made me feel stupid, and it was one of the most boring movies I had ever seen. Zeke's movie made my stomach churn, but my movie turned out as good as I expected, and is currently #1 on my top 10 list, right above The Matrix. We went back to my house after the movies were over.
At my house we saw the frog again, and Zeke was going to rechallenge it. When we got there, the frog said to Zeke "Back for more, huh? Well, if you want it, you got it."
No joke. The frog spoke to us. You want to hear something else? The frog was smoking one of my father's cigars. We all fainted on the spot.
The next day we all had to go back to the city. We rode in the car, and when we got back we hoped that school would be good this year. I was in fifth grade, and I got terrible luck teacher wise. When you were in kindergarten, you would always hope to get Mr. G in fifth grade. You call him G because his real name is Jahotma Gungliotiotiahuealatan and people have trouble memorizing it. He was a world reknowned old-school rapper, and he had green hair. His class was like a party. If you got Mrs. Napple-Korshunoca, no big deal. She was okay. Just as long as you didn't get my teacher, Mrs. Duckopadale, a.k.a duckhead. She never smiled. People said that she had gotten a face-lift so that she couldn't smile. She never talked, she just screeched. She didn't just give homework, she gave HOMEWORK. Not only did she supervise your homeroom, but she taught you history and English as well. Have you ever heard of a teacher who gave out homeroom homework? Duckhead does. She hates typing down the numerous worksheets that she gives out for homework every day, so she makes her students do it for her. The other terrible thing about her class? Mr. G doesn't teach you any subjects. There are two history and English teachers in the fifth grade. Duckhead teaches her homeroom and a sixth grade homeroom, and Mr. G teaches the other two fifth grade homerooms. Mrs. Napple-Korshunoca teaches all three homerooms math, and there are other numerous teachers who teach different classes. I was in for a year of torture for sure this year.
Finally a weekend came! For five days I would have to sit from homeroom until lunch in Duckhead's class, and when I got home I would have to do homework until I went to sleep. I hoped that she would get fired or put in jail to serve a life sentence for child abuse. Well, now I was in the country, and my troubles were over. We agreed to go to Zeke's house, remembering that frog that was smoking a cigar. Zeke's house was sportsmania. He had a tennis court that could be converted to a volleyball court with the push of a button. He had a basketball court that could change to a hockey arena. He had a batting cage and a wrestling and boxing ring. Outside he had a hunting range that could be converted into a golf course. Elmont didn't care for sports, so he spent his time making Zeke a robot that he could fight with in his boxing ring. I watched Zeke hit 100 mile per hour serves in tennis, I watched him break the machine in the batting cage I don't know how many times, and I watched him hit golf balls to China. Then we took a break. I asked him how school was, and I thought I knew the answer. I was wrong. He liked school this year. You know why? He was in Mr. G's homeroom. Mr. G's English class was reading Silence of the Lambs, while we were stuck reading Gary Johnson's Analyzation of Why Technology is Ruining our Planet. Mr. G's history class was learning about the history of television, while we were suffering through the time of the explorers from Columbus to Magellan.
Then we played on Zeke's computer. When I went home I decided to try and find that frog. When I did find him, I saw that all the other frogs had come back. I heard them plotting on a way to take over our country house and build a millitary base in it. I started keeping track of the meeting in my head, since they were speaking in English. The big, troublesome frog seemed to be their leader, but there were a few frogs that didn't want to become an atomic bombing nation. Then I sneezed. All of the 100 or so frogs turned around. Their leader, whose name was Mr. Big, yelled "KILL!"
Do you know what it's like to be chased by 100 frogs, one of them that could probably lift you up and throw you into a river? Well, now I do, and it isn't an experience that I enjoyed. I got up and sprinted towards the house. I had tried to dodge the frogs, but there were too many. I finally ran and tried to climb up our house and onto the roof. Well, I came pretty close, but when Mr. Big jumped and started hanging onto my shoe, I lept down. All of the frogs tried to help Mr. Big, seeing if he had any broken bones or anything, while he was yelling "Kill him! Obey me you numbskulls! Kill that human!" They finally listened, but I was inside of the house and had just closed the door. I ran by my parents. I expected them ask me what the rush was, but they were reading The Wall Street Journal. When they read the newspaper, they READ the newspaper. They don't have eyes or ears for anything but the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Not even when a legion of frogs is trying to ransack their house. I ran to the telephone and dialed Zeke's number.
When he picked it up I said "Zeke, you remember that frog?" "Do I remember that frog?" was the reply. He was about to go about cursing off the frog, but I butted in and said something.
"Zeke, get here fast. There's 100 or so frogs trying to ransack my house. Try and shoo them away." I don't know how he believed me, but he believed me.
Next I called Elmont. When he picked it up, I said, "Hi Elmont."
He said, "Hi, I was just about to call you! You remember that supernatural frog? Well, I was studying about frogs, and I think that this is the legendary frog."
I didn't know what he was talking about, but I said "Elmont, that legendary frog is trying to ransack my house. I have no time for a legend!"
What Elmont said next surprised me. "Do you know how to get him away?"
"No way! If I did I would have!"
"Cornmeal." Was the reply.
"Cornmeal?" I asked doubtedly. Then I remembered that this was Elmont, the genius, and I believed him. "What do I do with the cornmeal?" I asked.
"You dump it on him. Then he'll stop pestering you." I ran towards the pantry, and pulled out the cornmeal. I opened the door, and dumped it on Mr. Big. Then weird things began to happen. Mr. Big asked me, "hey, do you know how to play poker? Blackjack? Slapjack?" I nearly fainted. Then one of the other frogs asked me "I hope that you have something other than Celine Dion. We despise Celine Dion."
Another one of the frogs asked, "are you kidding? Look at that CD player! He's got Offspring, Manson, Orgy, and some other good stuff! No Celine Dion fan here!"
Then Mr. Big said "Let's party!!!" I was glad to see that my parents were still reading the newspaper, because I had a feeling that this was going to be a PARTY.
Suddenly a voice yelled "Charge!" from outside, and Zeke busted in. He says "Okay, all of you frogs get on out!"
Then I said "Come on, Zeke, don't ruin the party!"
Then I called up Elmont and told him what he was missing. When he heard that a party was going on, he said, "Come on! You know that I'm still working on my animal behavior project."
"Elmont, if you come to this party, you'll have a great example of weird animal behavior. That supernatural frog and some of his accomplices are holding a concert. The supernatural one is the lead singer, one of his friends play the guitar, and another plays the drums." Elmont agreed to come over, and we had the best, weirdest inter-species party ever.
I brought the frogs along with me to the city, and they rode with me in the backseat. I had an idea to get rid of Duckhead. I started chatting with Mr. Big, and he agreed to put on such a show in school that Duckhead will go insane. This is what happened during English class:
"Okay, class, I certainly hope that you've studied for the vocabulary test, because I've added a few extra words into it!" Duckhead screeched.
In response to that I said "Mrs. Ducka something or another, I have an expert on the English language that I'd like to show you."
"What?!!! You want to waste the class' time just to show us this English expert?" She was really screeching now.
"Yes, here he is, Mr. Big."
When a 25 pound frog walked in the class with a leather jacket on, a few kids fainted. When he said "How's it goin' down?" a few more fainted. When he got an A+ on the test, Duckhead went insane and didn't leave Shady Acres Mental Hospital until she died. The class was split up between Mrs. Napple-Korshunoca and Mr. G. I got Mr. G, and so did most of the frogs. When they finally got a new teacher, the grade was divided into new homerooms. Almost all of the frogs were with Mr G, as was Zeke and I. Elmont wasn't; he went to college. The frogs continued to come to school, and they lived in my apartment.

Epilouge Zeke Smith went on to become a major league pitcher, and a very good one at that. You have to be good to win a Cy Young award for every year you play and get into the Hall of Fame.
Elmont Micklewits went on to become a scientist, and discovered a lot of things. If you're the kind of person that wants to read about them, read his autobiography.
The main character, who's name is left unsaid through the whole book, and will remain that way through the epilouge, became a frog psychologist and did many studies on frogs, his 100 accomplices by his side. When he died Mr. Big wrote a biography for him, and it's a highly recommended book. Mr G was a teacher at that school for a few more years, and then he retired to host MTV Jams. Mrs. Napple-Korshunoca taught for 20 more years, and then she retired. Duckhead, as you have heard, went insane, and died there, not happy but insane.