When Forks Get Angry Hi. My name is Olga. Once I had a wonderful fork named Gretchen. Then it got Angry.
I was eating soup with my beloved fork Gretchen the other day. Gretchen is my best fork. I have a lot of forks. Some are named Billy, some are named Bob. But regardless of their name, none of them are as good as Gretchen. When I am eating meat Gretchen knows best how to stick it's tongs into the meat, thus allowing me to bring the meat to my mouth and eat it without dropping it onto my plate and having to do the whole process over again.
That would waste time; having to pick up the meat again. And Gretchen respects the fact that my time is very precious. Because I spend all of my spare time walking around the city.
I walk around the city all of the time. Sometimes I see a short person. When I do, I laugh at the short person, call it short, and then step on it. That's fun.
Sometimes I see a tall person with a big nose and a long face. When I do, I laugh at it and call it Walter. Then I pull an eggbeater out of my pants and beat its eggs if it happens to be carrying any.
Sometimes I see a fat person. When I do, I laugh at the fat person, call it fat, and then push it over and roll it down the sidewalk until it gets dizzy and throws up.
Sometimes I see a socialist walking down the street. When I do, I laugh at it, call it a socialist, and then dedicate the rest of my life to following it around and calling it a socialist at every chance I get. Especially if it's a pemdokjenical person such as Mister Phil Long.
So that's why I was eating soup with Gretchen. My spare time is precious. I could have eaten my soup with my spoon, Antonio, but Antonio does not respect my time like Gretchen does. Plus, that is so cliché, eating soup with your spoon. I mean, please, everybody does it, it's getting kind of old! When I am eating meat with Antonio, he never cuts the meat they way I wish for him to. Because Antonio isn't sharp. Sharp means efficient. If I, by chance, am ever walking down a dark alley and see you and get an inclination to kill you then if I use a spoon such as Antonio to stab you to death then I will not kill you and you will go report me to the police and get me locked up in a mental institution for the criminally insane. I would know... it happened to me five years ago. You see, I was walking down a dark alley and suddenly I noticed that my friend Bubba had just taken his head out of a dumpster. And I asked him, "Bubba, what are you doing with your head in that dumpster?"
"I am looking for eggbeaters to put in my pants!" he told me.
"But Bubba, what if you accidentally turn the eggbeater on and it beats your eggs into oblivion?"
He didn't have an answer for me.
"Bubba, answer me!"
"But I do not have an answer for you, so I can not possibly answer you!" He said. I do not like it when I ask a question and do not receive an answer. So I pulled Antonio's father, Perkins, out of my pocket and tried to slit Bubba's throat with it.
"What are you doing? Why are you rubbing that spoon up against my neck?" Bubba asked me.
"I am trying to slit your throat you idiot! Work, Perkins, work, what's wrong with you, you stupid spoon!"
So Perkins didn't slit Bubba's throat. And Bubba walked out of the dark alley and all the way to the nearest cop while I was trying to slit his throat with my spoon. And then the cop brought me to a psychologist who brought me to an institution for the criminally insane.
Now, I am not a criminal. Nor am I insane. I just get inclinations to kill people when they don't answer questions. And occasionally I do. But that doesn't make me a criminal. No, not me. I am a law abiding citizen. I just don't abide laws every once in a while.
So that's why I was using Gretchen to eat my soup.
I stuck it into the soup, and then pulled it out and brought it up to my lips. Then I sucked it.
After 15 minutes of stabbing my soup with my ever so efficient Gretchen, I noticed that the bowl of soup was still full.
I said to Gretchen, "Gretchen, you must work faster! You respect my time, do you not?"
And Gretchen said to me, "of course I respect your time, Olga. I respect your time like I respect myself."
I was pleased with Gretchen's response. So I said to Gretchen, "If you respect my time, then surely I should be done with my soup within five minutes."
Suddenly Gretchen was very angry. "You stupid bitch! I am a fork!"
"So?"
"It's going to take me a long time to finish your soup for you!"
"But, Gretchen, you are the most trustworthy of all my kitchen utensils."
"That doesn't mean I can get you soup! Get Antonio to do this for you!"
"But Gretchen, I couldn't slit a throat with Antonio's father!"
"That's because Antonio's father was a spoon! Spoons help you eat soup, knives help you slit throats, forks help you eat meat! Get your kitchenware straight!" Gretchen rolled its eyes.
"Do not roll your eyes at me, Gretchen!"
"I'm a fork! I don't have eyes! I can't even speak!"
"But you are both rolling your eyes and speaking at the same time right now!"
"That's because you are a delusional psycho that never should've been let out of that insane asylum in the first place!"
I was offended. I struck Gretchen with my hand and it bit me. My index finger had a nasty cut because of Gretchen.
"Gretchen! Why did you bite me! To think that you used to be my favorite fork!"
"I didn't bite you! You hit me, and since I'm a fork I cut your finger!"
"Gretchen, don't blame your problems on anything else. Take responsibility!"
"I can't take responsibility! I am an inanimate object!"
"Oh shut up Gretchen. You're just being difficult."
"I have an idea for you. How about you imagine that I suddenly become enraged and I stab you to death."
Suddenly, the second that Gretchen spoke, Gretchen became extremely angry. Gretchen unleashed a lengthy strand of implications and obscenities.
"Gretchen, watch your language! That's not very becoming of a prudent fork such as yourself!"
"I am not prudent anymore!"
Suddenly Gretchen's eyes turned red. I blinked, and when my eyes unblinked themselves I noticed that Gretchen was wearing a black cape. I wondered to myself... why hadn't I noticed that black cape before? Then I began to see purple bunnies, green elves, and out of nowhere popped Santa Claus! He was riding Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer!
Gretchen said, "I am going to kill them!"
And with that, he began to stab all the pretty creatures that had suddenly appeared.
I said to him, "Gretchen, no! Don't stab the pretty creatures!"
And Gretchen turned around to say, "sucks to your pretty creatures!"
So then I looked at my soup because since I had all these visitors I thought it would be the decent thing to do to offer them some soup. Of course, for Santa Claus I would have to go out to the store and get him some milk and cookies. But I was certain that the purple bunnies would appreciate some soup. And as I looked at the soup I remembered that I had taken it with LSD. No wonder!
I screamed at Gretchen, "haha! You aren't real! I'm just imagining this because I'm high!"
So then all the purple bunnies went away and so did the gnomes. So did Santa Claus. And then Gretchen said to me, "you see what I told you? I can't really talk!"
But then I realized that he was talking right now!
"But you can talk Gretchen! You are right now!"
Gretchen was suddenly overwhelmed with anger!
"I CAN'T TALK! How about this. How about you imagine that I was very angry at you so I drove myself as hard as you, or I, or whatever pronoun you delusional psychoes apply to your silverware, can into your eye!"
So then, having said that, Gretchen became extremely angry! He unleashed a lengthy strand of implications and obscenities. Then I noticed that there was a bowl of soup in my eye. And I picked Gretchen up so that I might eat it. And I put Gretchen into my eye and started digging around for the bowl of soup. Gretchen became angry and said, "I can't find the damn bowl of soup! Let me out of your eye!"
I said, "look harder, you lazy son of a fork!"
And Gretchen jammed itself into my eye.
Once I had a wonderful fork named Gretchen. Then it got Angry.