When Chopsticks Get Trippy Hi, my name is Pulga. Once I had a chopsick. Then it got trippy. I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant one day. I was eating with my chopstick. I have a lot of chopsticks at my home. I am a chopstick collector. This chopstick's name was Jerry. I was eating food. With my chopstick. Sometimes I eat things besides food with my chopstick. Like shoes. I like to eat shoes. Once I went to a shoe store to buy a new pair of shoes and I ended up eating all of the shoes in the store. Then I ran out before the owner noticed that I had eaten up all of his profits and I moved to a different state and changed my name and got plastic surgery done. Now I look like an armadillo instead of a human. But it doesn't really matter. I like armadillos.
I was talking to Jerry.
"Why, hello, Jerry."
"Why, hello, Pulga."
"Are you enjoying the chopstickation that I am putting you through as of this moment?"
"Yes. I am enjoying."
"Good. I wonder where our waiter is. I would like to order something else to eat with you, my beloved chopstick."
Suddenly a waiter came up to me.
"Hello, my name is Billy Bob, and I'll be your waiter for the evening."
"But I already have a waiter. He gave me the food which I am eating with my chopstick Jerry right now." I was eating food.
"Yeah, your waiter was Walter, right?"
"I don't know his name... but he certainly did look like a Walter."
"Tall... big nose... long face?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Oh. Well I shot him."
"Oh good. I didn't like him. He made me feel short."
"He made my nose feel short. So my nose told me to shoot him. And I always obey my nose." Then he crossed his eyes and began to say, "isn't that right, Larry, yes I always obey you! When you say shoot a Walter I shoot Walter."
"Yeah, I think I heard your gun go off. At first I thought that there had been some sort of explosion and that I was going to die, so I'm glad to hear that it was just a Walter that died. Could I order some food, since you are now my waiter?"
"Not yet. I have to lecture you on Larry's behalf first. I'm glad you appreciate what I did. Because if you didn't appreciate Larry's orders then Larry might ask me to kill you. Anyway, would you like a milkshake?"
"Sucks to your milkshakes!"
"Of course you want a milkshake. Larry loves milkshakes. And you do too."
I decided not to argue. After all, Larry did seem like a reasonable nose. He ordered the death of a waiter whom I disliked, so I could trust that his decision regarding my beverage preferences would be just. Jerry hadn't liked the waiter either. Because the waiter had asked me if I wanted a chopstick. This offended Jerry; that the waiter would consider giving me a chopstick other than himself.
"Oh, can you bring Walter's body out with the milkshake? I would like for to eat him with my chopstick Jerry. Isn't Jerry a pretty chopstick?"
"Yes. Larry wants you to eat Walter with your chopstick. He assures you that Jerry is very pretty. Why, he would fuck Jerry had they compatible reproductive systems."
"No he wouldn't. I wouldn't let him fuck Jerry. Jerry is my chopstick."
"Larry tells me to tell you that you would and will let him do whatever he wants to do. And Larry wants you to stand on the table and do a funny dance."
So I stood on the table and did a funny dance. And in turn Billy Bob went to the kitchen and brought Walter and some milkshake out. He placed Walter on the table and asked, "What flavor would you like?"
"Hmm. I'd like a shoe flavored milkshake," I told him while eating Walter vigorously.
"Sure thing... oh wait, what's that Larry? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to settle for Kiwi milkshake."
"Okay."
So he held my glass in his hand and he filled it with kiwi milkshake. Then he overfilled it. And he wouldn't stop pouring.
"Um, you can stop now," I told him.
"No I can't. Larry hasn't tolden me to stop yet."
"Oh. Whatever." I wasn't about to argue. You know, the more milkshake he pours, the more milkshake I get.
Soon the table was covered with kiwi milkshake. But Larry didn't want Billy Bob to stop pouring.
Soon the table was so immersed in kiwi milkshake that the milkshake began to pour onto my dress. I was a bit vexed, because I had just bought this dress and it was quite expensive, so I rose out of my seat.
After consulting with Larry, Billy Bob told me, "you're going to have to sit down. Larry doesn't want you standing up."
So I sat.
Soon the pitcher of milkshake was empty. "I'll be back with more milkshake momentarily."
I ate some more Walter.
"Jerry, are you enjoying the Walter that Billy Bob brought to you?"
"Yes. I am enjoying the Walter that Billy Bob brought to me. I love eating Walter. I wish I could eat Walter every day."
Suddenly a CIA agent walked into the room and took a picture of me.
So I eat my milkshake with Jerry. "Jerry, we have a lot of milkshake. Do you think you can chopstick all of it?"
"Yes, I am the best chopstick in the world. I can chopstick all of it."
Jerry sucked on the straw.
This created a vaccuum and the milkshake went from the glass, through the straw, into Jerry, and then I hooked up with Jerry and the milkshake went into my mouth. People think it's weird that I have a sexual relationship with my chopstick. It's obvious that they don't have a chopstick like Jerry. Anybody would have a sexual relationship with Jerry. Except for socialists. They don't have sexual relationships.
Then I swallowed.
Then I began to feel dizzy.
Then a CIA agent came in and took a picture of me. Then it left.
Then Billy Bob came back from the kitchen. "Oh yeah, Larry wanted me to tell you that there was LSD in that kiwi milkshake."
"Oh, that's great," I said. After all, most people pay for LSD. I was getting a free dosage.
Jerry began to feel dizzy too.
"I am dizzy."
"I am dizzy too."
Suddenly I stared at Jerry. He was no longer a chopstick. He was a cow. A very trippy cow.
Jerry said moo. I mooed back at Jerry. Then we had sex.
So Billy Bob began to pour more milkshake. He didn't notice that there was a cow in the room.
Then a homeless person walked in.
"Hi. You must be Billy Bob. Can I speak to Larry?"
Billy Bob crossed his eyes and asked Larry if he wished to speak to the homeless person.
"Yes. You can speak to him. May I ask what your name is?"
"Hi, Larry, this is Bubba. Yeah, I just wanted to ask Larry if he wanted an eggbeater."
"Yes, Larry wants an eggbeater."
"How much does Larry want to pay for it?"
"He wants me to give you all of my wordly possessions for your eggbeater."
Bubba pulled an eggbeater out of his pants and gave it to Billy Bob. Larry ordered Billy Bob to go to his house and gather up all of his wordly possessions for Bubba. Billy Bob told me that he would be back in a few hours.
Bubba asked me if I wanted to buy an eggbeater.
But then suddenly it wasn't Bubba. It was a hippie penguin.
"Hi, hippie penguin!" I said to it.
Bubba asked me if I wanted an eggbeater. But then suddenly I noticed that it wasn't Bubba; again it was a hippie penguin, and it was asking me if I wanted to buy world peace, man.
So I told the hippie penguin that I did want some world peace. So it pulled a world peace out of it's pants and gave it to me for five dollars.
The world peace smelled like nutsack. A sack of nuts, that is. Like, pecan nuts. Once Jerry and I saw a pecan nut tree and he chopsticked pecan nuts all day long. Then he put them in a sack. And that's what the world peace smelt like.
Then everything turned purple and the table turned into a fish. It ate the hippie penguin.
I said, "hi, Mr. Fish!"
It responded to me, but I couldn't understand what it was saying. Then it ate me.
This reminded me of a time 5 years ago.
You see, I was having sex on a beach with Jerry. Then we went swimming in the ocean, and we came accross a big fish. Then it ate us. Then it ate an ice cream truck. And then we lived for a year inside of the ice cream truck inside of the fish. Jerry chopsticked ever so much ice cream. And then one day I decided to go outside of the fish. So I did. And then Jerry came. And then he left the fish too.
Then the CIA agent came in along with a SWAT team that wore shirts that said "NARCOTICS". And there were also dogs.
But the CIA agent was a lizard now. And the SWAT members were green monkeys. And the dogs... were dogs.
The dogs ran up to me and they began to sniff me. They barked a bit and then they sniffed eachother's asses. Because that's what dogs do.
Then the lizard took a picture of me. And green monkey pulled out wooden sticks and hit me with them.
Then the dogs ate the cow. Because they were hungry. I was sad because it was my favorite cow.
Then the Green Monkeys tied me up. And then everything went blank.
Once I had a chopstick. Then it got trippy.