The Vast Thereness Wazzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaa. My name is Bart. That means I'm stupid… cuz Bart's just a real stupid name, don't you think? Plus, I say wazzzzzzaaaaaaaaa. Anybody who says that is stupid.
Bart is short for Bartholomew. My parents were smart so they assumed I'd be smart too… so they gave me a smart name. But then the doctor dropped me. And I didn't learn how to speak until I was three. And my parents tried to do mind-executing exercises with me but they didn't work. Cuz I didn't work. Cuz I was broken. And they tried to return me but the hospital wouldn't take me. So they just decided to change my name to Bart to reflect my stupidity.
I know this guy, and his name is Chubbs. He's my best friend. He's my jigga dog, yo! I don’t know why we call him Chubbs.. We just do. Maybe there is a reason… but I forget. Cuz my name is Bart, so I'm stupid.
I have a girlfriend. Her name is Bob. Her parents were hippie transvestites and they vowed to call their child a name that corresponded with the opposite sex. So they had a girl and they called her Bob.
Bob likes rhinos.
She is very skinny. So she goes to the zoo and slips into the cages and rapes rhinos.
She eats a lot of plums. That's why she's so skinny. She eats nothing but plums.
So one day I was, like, standing there.
I forget where I was standing… I tend to forget stuff like that… but I was, like, standing… somewhere there… somewhere in the vast there-ness, ya know?
So I was standing, and suddenly I see Chubbs. So I say, hey, Chubbs, come over here man!
So Chubbs came over and I said wazzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaa.
And he told me to shut the fuck up.
So I apologized for my stupidity and began to make small talk… which is the only kind of talk I have the intelligence to make.
So then he told me that he had just boughten new shoes. So I looked down at his shoes and I'm like, those are weird shoes man!
And he's like what the fuck! I just spent a hundred fucking dollars on these shoes and you're dissing them?
And I'm like, well, sorry, man.
So he's like I don't give a fuck how sorry you are! You're always dissing me and everything I do! I can't take this shit, dude! And you tell me I'm you friend… that's such bullshit!
So I'm like, dude, I said they were weird shoes, that's all.
And he's like fuck you! And he went to the bus stop to wait for a bus to take him home.
So then Bob came over… and she's like hi.
And I’m like wazzzzzzzaaaaaaaa.
And she told me to shut the fuck up with the wazzzzaaaa shit or she wouldn’t have sex with me for the rest of the week.
So I apologized for my stupidity.
So then I began to stare at her tits while pretending to be interested in what she was saying.
Then she yelled at me for staring at her tits.
Then she pulled a plum out of her pocket and started eating it.
And then she told me about how she had just gone to the zoo and raped a rhino.
So I asked her why she fucked rhinos everyday but I had to beg her just to get her to fuck me once every week.
And she told me that it was because the rhinos were smarter than me.
And I said, so?
And she's like… well, I like having an intellectual discussion every once in a while.
And I'm like… uh… no you don't.
And she's like fuck you.
And I'm like I really wish you would.
And she's like well I won't… cuz the truth is the rhinos are better fuckers than you are.
So then she started bitching at me while I stared at her tits.
Suddenly there was a gigantic roar and she turned around.
While she turned around, I stared at her ass.
Suddenly she fell over, and I realized that a wild rhinoceros had just trampled her!
Then the rhino told me that my girlfriend was cheating on me with the zoo rhinos, and I'm like I know dude. So then he told Bob that next time she tried to rape a rhino he was gonna call the cops.
So she got up and started yelling at me. She was mad pissed that I hadn't protected her from the rhino. Yeah, like I'm gonna get trampled by a rhino to save her untouchable ass… please, dude, I'm not that stupid. So I pretended to listen and I pretended to feel bad about not protecting her… and meanwhile I stared at her tits.
So suddenly she told me that she was breaking up with me and she turned around. I stared at her ass as she walked away.
She went over to Chubbs, who was still waiting for a bus. She began to make out with him. Then she put her hand down his pants… and then they stripped and began to fuck right in front of my eyes until the bus came. Then Chubbs went back home. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he was gonna masturbate for hours in commemoration of the aforementioned experience.
And Bob went to the zoo to rape a rhino.
And I kept on standing there, in shock. I was just standing there… I forget exactly where, cuz I'm Bart so I'm stupid… but I was standing somewhere in the vast thereness.