Two Weirdos in My House Eating Sushi There are two weirdos in my house eating sushi.
So I was, like, sitting in my room, right? And I'm just having a good time like I always do. I wasn't masturbating... I don't masturbate. Not ever. Not once in my life! I was just having a good time. I don't need to masturbate to have a good time. I'm perfectly capable of having a good time without masturbating. So I was having a good time. But my hand was not on my penis, and I was not stroking my penis. Suddenly, I heard a knock on the front door.
So I zipped up my pants and went to answer it.
WAIT A SECOND!
No, actually I didn't zip up my pants, cuz my pants weren't unzipped in the first place. I was not masturbating! Goddamit why won't you believe me? Fuckin' perv... I bet you just want to think I was masturbating. Well screw you! I don't need to masturbate! I'm perfectly capable of getting sex from other people.
Well actually I guess 'people' is a misleading word. But I prefer donkeys to people anyway.
So I heard that knock on my door, right? So I wiped up my cum and went to open the door.
WAIT A SECOND!
Actually I didn't wipe up any cum. There was no cum to wipe up! None at all! Cuz I was not masturbating!
So I opened the door and these two people I had never seen before said hi.
And I'm like, "who are you peoples?"
They're like "we're the two weirdos."
"Well you certainly are weirdos... just knocking on people's doors, ruining a perfectly good off-wacking."
WAIT A SECOND!
Actually I didn't say that. I was not wacking off, so why would I have said I was? I was not masturbating!
So they said, "yeah, we're pretty weird. We were just wondering if we could eat some sushi here."
"Well, as long as you don't open the door to my room while I'm wacking off, sure. I don't have any sushi though."
Actually, I didn't tell them not to open the door while I was wacking off, because I wasn't wacking off. I never do. So I had no reason to tell them that.
They replied, "oh, that's okay. We have our own sushi."
"Okay, that's cool," I told them. So I went back into my room. I started reading serious literature. Yeah, that's what smart people like me do... we read serious literature. We don't wack off... we smart people have much better stuff to do than that.
And there were two weirdos in my house eating sushi.
So suddenly I hear them talking:
"Hey, Weirdun, what do you think of this place?"
"Oh, Weirdoo, it's awful nice for sushi eatation. I mean, it's got walls that are yellow, and I always prefer eating in yellow-walled houses to eating in, say, blue-walled houses."
"Oh, please, don't even mention blue-walled houses! I hate blue-walled houses! Why don't those motherfuckers get the fucking picture! Blue walls are not good for eating sushi!"
"Yeah, please, man. Makes me wanna puke. I mean, dude, blue does not go with sushi."
"No, it definitely does not. Hey, man, do you wanna get high?"
"Uh, sure, dude."
So they started to smoke sushi. These were very weird people.
"Hey, man, this sushi is some real good shit! I am so fuckin' wasted!"
"Yeah, I know, man. I feel like I'm a fish or somethin'. But, like, since these walls aren't blue it's like I'm swimming in piss or somethin', ya know, man?"
"Hehe, ya man, it's pretty fuckin' weird, dude."
"Hey, that guy in there is really going at it... howling orgasmically... wouldn't it be funny if we walked in and took a picture of him?"
"Ha! It would, dude, it would!"
So then suddenly these two weirdos in my house eating sushi came in to my room and took a picture of me. And, I was not jacking off. But somehow they doctored the picture to bear an uncanny resemblance to me jacking off. And they posted the picture on the internet. And when my girlfriend saw it she dumped me. She just said "eee-awwww" and walked out.
I tried to grab her tail but she just kicked me with her two hind legs and galloped away. She is one stubborn bitch.
But I love her, I do. And I just hope she sees this and realizes that I do not masturbate! I never needed to masturbate when I had an ass like hers. And, I tell you, that ass had an amazing ass... even for an ass. And a simply divine tail. And her hooves... I'm about to cum myself this instant.
If you happen to see an outstandingly sexy donkey around your way, then email me please. She has "Property of Farmer Bill" branded on her thigh and she isn't a virgin. Tell her I love her, and tell her I want her back. And please, in addition to all that, tell her I don't masturbate.