The Secret Lives of Fridge Magnets Hi. I am a fridge magnet. I live with a female human of about 80 years of age.
I've lived with this old lady for 60 years. She moved into this house one day… and I'd been lying around in a plastic container with other fridge magnets since the time of the dinosaurs, practically. And you might think I was just rotting away there, but that isn't so.
There was another fridge magnet in this plastic container. Her name was Rosa. We were attracted to each other like we were magnets… well, come to think of it, I guess that would make sense.
We had sex all day long… those were the best years of my life.
40 years ago, when this old lady wasn't so old, she and a male counterpart retired to her quarters and they screamed and shouted jubilantly whilst the springs of the bed incessantly exhibited creaks.
9 months later a tiny, wet, deformed, ugly human appeared.
And when that human had aged 40 years, suddenly another ugly human appeared.
And then one day the old lady noticed that I, a fridge magnet, had been lying around in the dust of her kitchen cupboard for 80 years. So she stuck me to her cold refrigerator up against a picture of this second ugly human, and she gave Rosa to the first ugly human for to put pictures of the second ugly human on her refrigerator. Rosa and I were to be forever separated, united only by the fact that we both were clung to ugly pictures.
So all day long I froze my northern pole off and stared at ugly people. Sounds like fun, right?
Well, you know the saying… life's a bitch and then you die so fuck the world let's get high.
So, before I knew it, the human had aged two years and I had been attached to a picture of a damn fuckin' ugly newborn ever since.
And I realized that life was a bitch. Either you're an old lady who has nothing better to do than look at ugly pictures or you're a fridge magnet who has no choice but to look at ugly pictures. Either way, life's a bitch.
And I'd been hoping that one day the old lady would come to her senses… maybe stick me to some pictures more worth my time… such as, oh, say… nude pictures of Jenny McCarthy?
And it isn't like I'm an especially horny dude… I mean, I'm no hornier than your average fridge magnet… but give me a break, man! I haven't gotten any ass for two entire years!
But then I realized that she was an old lady… and that old ladies don't usually hang nude pictures on their refrigerator.
So I just thought to myself… fuck the world, man!
So I'd completed half of the saying by now… so it was time to complete the "let's get high" part.
So one day, when the old lady was sleeping, I disobeyed all the laws that I'd been taught in the National School of Fridge Magnetry. I detached myself from the refrigerator, and crept across the kitchen counter, and picked up a butcher knife.
I waited for the old lady to wake up. She came into the kitchen to smoke her daily joint (for medicinal purposes, I assure you), so I plunged the knife into her as she opened the cabinet in which she stashed her pot.
And I went to the cabinet, and I took out her stash, and I rolled up a joint and I got high.
And I kept on getting high. And I didn't take any breaks.
A few days later I tried to take a break cuz I was getting sleepy… but I realized that I couldn't. I was addicted.
So a few days later I realized that I was out of pot. I scoured her house for more… but found none.
So I realized that it was high time I completed the adage… cuz without Rosa and without pot there just wasn't any reason to live.
Plus, life had been a bitch, I'd fucked the world, I'd gotten high… so it was now high time I killed myself.
So I removed the butcher knife from the old lady and I did just that.